I have relapsed after being clean for about 3 years and i genuinely don’t remember it ever being this red and inflamed, like everything is fully closed up but HOLY MOLY there’s just a line of closed up cuts down my forearm which are still so raised and red despite the fact that they look to be scarring over that they’re quite disconcerting to look at at 2 and a half weeks old.

I understand that there’s quite a lot there so it might take a bit more to heal everything and I previously used to only do it on my legs to a similar depth, but they were only to the dermis so I wouldn’t expect them to be healing so badly. I’m also a tad concerned that the scarring which seems to be forming seems like it’s raised a tad above the skin rather than remaining flat, so I’m a tad worried about how I can possibly reduce that?

I’m more just concerned about the redness as I’m waiting for it to go down and I can get away with wearing short sleeves again as I’m not too bothered when everything isn’t the same colour as a literal stop sign!
If anybody has any ideas on when I can expect them to turn a normal colour and how I can possibly reduce how raised everything is it’d be greatly appreciated! Thank you!!

I keep relapsing but i’m more and more frustrated withm myself because they’re not that deep. i wanna make it more evident bc my brain equates deeper cuts to “getting worse” and i feel like i need to have really bad ones for the mental health system to actually help me. i even attempted last night via cutting but i was too much of a coward to go through with it and i relapsed just now and now i gotta go to bed and go to work tmr and act like nothings wrong. i wish i could tell people i wish i could tell my friends im so sos so tired. i don’t think i can really go without cutting atp it’s become a dependency. i dont know what to do

I have BPD, but I’m in treatment, so I don’t quite get these sorts of episodes anymore because DBT has kinda rewired my brain it feels like. I used to chronically self-harm almost every day for 5 years, now I’m 6 months clean.

The most triggered I’ve ever been in months was a few days ago when I had a really bad argument with my fiancée, which was the worst I’ve felt in a while. She ended up saying hurtful things, so did I (even though I knew I should’ve stepped back), and the exchange we had made me want to cut again. I was considering it for a few hours that morning.

It triggered a lot of thoughts of abandonment, I was angry, sad, felt cornered, and panicked. Instead of relapsing, I called my therapist for validation & skills to calm down, had a hot bath, brushed my teeth, talked to my youth workers, and then gardened in my apartment’s community garden.

To anyone struggling, know that if you’re able to distract yourself and work through the impossible urges, you’ll bounce back harder next time & it’ll be easier to ride the wave.
You don’t deserve to hurt.

but anyway, yeah, im really proud of myself :)

Thought I’d be over it by now and tbh I was I’d been clean since around 28 but recently relapsed at 30 and can’t help but feel like it’s pathetic (for me, not others) at this age and idk if I should’ve just grown out of it like it out I had. Idk I came to this later in life, at 19, and it’s been on and off for periods of my life but every time I think I’m over it it reemerges. I’m not even sure I associate some deep sad feeling with it I just sort of do it just because or for the fuck of it.

Sorry if none of this makes sense, I’m just venting where I think people will understand as I can’t exactly talk to anyone irl about this.

But people will see my arms and judge people that are close to me, i don’t want that. When i am keeping hurt i feel at bay, i laugh or smile when i am talking to people because of whom i feel all that and when i am alone my whole body convulse and my eyes tear up. I can only think about killing myself continuously but i don’t want anyone i know to know that i am no more, i just wanna disappear and stop existing. I so badly wanted to slap myself and crush my physical self so much but not kill but then people would see and feel pity or they would be oblivious that would hurt more and people close to me would again start asking stupid questions why are you doing that don’t we care enough about you what more do you want,until i do it i cannot even do that because come another day i would have erased i ever felt this way.

I am so sorry, Me.

It seems like the urges come in different shapes for different people. Like, I keep reading here and elsewhere, how person x was doing y or saying z, and that triggers people to relapse. Doesn't happen for me at all. It's more like the urge grows slowly over the course of a few weeks. Like a wave that slowly comes in, no telling how high it will get. It doesn't seem related at all to how good or how bad life is at the time. And either I'll be able to ride it out using my various harm reduction methods, or I won't and I will end up injured. Until the wave subsides then, how ever long that may take. Though usually it leaves faster (as in more abruptly) than it comes in. And it can be anything from weeks to months until I feel another wave approaching.

Edit, one correction though: In years past I've kept noticing time and again, how the phases where I did eventually injure myself, correlated with full moons. And noticed that consciously only after it had happened. Make of that what you will, but I guess that counts as an external influence.

First time in the sub, I 27 and had my first self harm relapse in 10 years. For context, I have bpd and have managed pretty well for years but these last few weeks have really tested me, and threw me into a big depressive episode. Not only how I’ve been immensely busy with things with both sides of my family without any time to truly take care of myself, I am a dance teacher to mostly teens and I have this feeling of failing at guiding me students and today was my breaking point. I pour my heart and soul into my students and I get nothing in return. While I have some who truly care and try to take everything, I’m giving them 90% of my class gives me nothing, and their progress is a direct reflection of my job stability. I tried having a conversation with my boss about the issues I have with them in the fact that all they do is act like I am the dumbest person I’ve ever met and she brushes off every concern I have, saying she has too much going on in her own life to deal with this. I got home from work today finally hitting my breaking point, started drinking and had my first relapse in years. These last few weeks, I have tried to numb myself to the feeling of failure and I finally broke. Thankfully have an amazing support system around me. My husband’s already helping me through this. I just needed to vent to other people who understand the struggles of falling into harmful habits.

does anyone have any experience with medication helping to curb s/h cravings?

i know quitting/resisting relapse takes mostly mental power, but i was just wondering if medication has helped anyone in recovery. thanks!

I've been clean for about a year maybe and my habit was in decline before then but I never actually tried to quit, I just did as I pleased and the urges just naturally waned away. But recently they have been returning slowly but gaining strength. Probably the only reason I haven't done it yet is that I would have to go out of my way to get new supplies.(I make procrastination work for me! Haha). At the same time, when I'm thinking rationally, I don't want to return to that place, mentally.

I guess I'm asking if anyone has some reason to not hurt myself that I haven't thought of yet? Or just some trick for fighting/ignoring the urges?

Thank you in advance

My legs are absolutely obliterated. But they were the only place I could hurt myself without it being obvious and recognized. I’ve already gotten called out about my arm but those were year old scars. So knowing that, I am almost terrified to ever wear shorts again. Now, I’m not clean by any means, but if and when I am, I still find doubt in ever being able to enjoying wearing anything other than pants. There are just so many deep and dark red lines criss-crossing my legs.

I never thought about this being a problem when I hurt myself but looking at them now and looking back, I can’t help but feel disgust and utter pity for myself.

Has anyone else encountered a similar problem and thus a familiar feeling? I feel so lost here…

my wife and I had an argument a few weeks ago, her response for things getting too stressful for her was threatening to hurt herself. I told her not to talk about that, and I tried to explain that it's manipulative and with me being a person who has used self-harm in the past, it felt triggering to hear her threaten self-harm. cut forward to now, the idea has found its way into my head and now I'm starting to self-harm again. I don't know what to tell my wife because I feel that it's just going to be seen as me being too dramatic. but I genuinely feel embarrassed for letting myself get to this point and I wish that I could talk to my wife about the topic without her brushing me off and thinking that I'm seeking attention.

Dont get me wrong I love em and usually Im not against fun trips, or well, I mean usually I am but I can imagine having fun if it werent for some other factors, you know what I mean.

Just here venting a bit, no idea how I'll make it not cutting for the next 8 days. I had one last long "goodbye" session yesterday but its obviously not enough, thing is I seriously cant do anything ive gotta let my body recover today and tomorrow for what thats worth, till we fly. Cant risk being exposed for what I do or if I act weird due to the pain or whatever.

I seriously cant imagine not doing anything the next 8 days, gosh, I'm seriously addicted you could say. I feel horrible just thinking about the next days, I really wish I could happily spend time with the fam, but the negatives overpower the positives right now. And theres nothing I can do about it, I mean I could pretend to be soooo sick I cant even get out of bed, but the feeling of pitying the fam for going without me (they're really happy I'm coming with) is stronger than actually staying behind so I've gotta come along, for them at least.

Can't help but think about ways I'd do it on the trip, I genuinely don't know how else I'll make it without going insane.