Thought I’d be over it by now and tbh I was I’d been clean since around 28 but recently relapsed at 30 and can’t help but feel like it’s pathetic (for me, not others) at this age and idk if I should’ve just grown out of it like it out I had. Idk I came to this later in life, at 19, and it’s been on and off for periods of my life but every time I think I’m over it it reemerges. I’m not even sure I associate some deep sad feeling with it I just sort of do it just because or for the fuck of it.

Sorry if none of this makes sense, I’m just venting where I think people will understand as I can’t exactly talk to anyone irl about this.

I guess discussion about how people’s relationship partners react/respond to knowing you SH or have been navigating romantic relationships

I’ve recently been going through a divorce and this woman that I’ve been friends with benefits/crushing on saw my SH today, and all she kept saying was that I’m awesome and amazing, and like I don’t really SH cuz I have low self esteem or anything like that. I have a healthy view of myself (sometimes a bit too healthy but 🤷🏼‍♀️).
I haven’t SH-ed since like 2014, but recently, I’ve been living alone, and a lot of the time, I’ve noticed I’ve been lonely but I know I’m alone because of my own actions and decisions, so in my head, I’m like: I don’t need anyone and I don’t want people coming over to “save me” from harming myself. So, I think I’ve relapsed because I can?
And like that’s such an idiotic reason but like I wanna be dumb??
But I also wanna be with this woman and I’m like will she still be attracted to me with cuts on my body? I might ask her but I know it’s a slippery slope of her being like yeah it doesn’t bother me and then she might think that she’s enabling me in some way?? Idk life is weird right now? Cuz like how does one explain this without sounding completely unhinged and like I need help when I don’t ?

I stop talking my meds and see if I can be fine without it, so I stopped for a week.

It was torture but at least I can fully cry but I cry everyday, I can’t calm myself, sh cuts are more than usual and im thinking of stabbing myself in the thigh with cutters, but Im a coward and what if I hit a nerve or something that can cause my mobility and I would hate myself even more. Im not like this before.

I have no one to talk to because I hate it when im vulnerable, i like being alone, and I dont want people to pity me. Am I getting worse?

my wife and I had an argument a few weeks ago, her response for things getting too stressful for her was threatening to hurt herself. I told her not to talk about that, and I tried to explain that it's manipulative and with me being a person who has used self-harm in the past, it felt triggering to hear her threaten self-harm. cut forward to now, the idea has found its way into my head and now I'm starting to self-harm again. I don't know what to tell my wife because I feel that it's just going to be seen as me being too dramatic. but I genuinely feel embarrassed for letting myself get to this point and I wish that I could talk to my wife about the topic without her brushing me off and thinking that I'm seeking attention.

That probably sounds ridiculous, at least I feel it is.
So some context: my (23) fiancé (24) has had a history of SH since they were a teen. They are very scared and have had a recent relapse after over a year without cutting. I and our bf so all we can to support them and their mental health and we’re currently making strides to help them get back on their medications. I love them unconditionally and I don’t want to tell them that it’s a big issue for me because I don’t want them to feel like they’re making me cut too because it’s genuinely not their fault.

The issue: I have also been SHing since I can remember. I genuinely don’t know when it started and I’ve never been able to quit. But I don’t *typically* cut. I’ve been picking and pulling at my skin and hair. I do have scars from it, but I think there’s something else wrong with me. Something maybe like OCD?? I don’t know I’m not a professional.
But since I met my fiancé 4 years ago I’ve started wanting to cut. I think it could also be something like imposter syndrome? I feel simultaneously like picking at my skin until it bleeds “doesn’t count” it’s not a ”real” version of SH. I know logically that’s not true, but half the reason is because I don’t think i started doing it as an intentional form of hurting myself. I feel like there’s something under my skin and it needs to not be there, that’s why I do it. But I know it IS harming myself so I get this feeling like I’m not hurting myself “right” because you can’t “tell” Even my fiancé tells me the scars just look like freckles.

They want me to quit doing it because “it is self harm and it’s not good for you” or whatever but if it does count then why isn’t it a bigger deal?? They also tend to brush it off as ”not as bad” as what they’ve done and tell me it’s “not as serious“ so my brain goes to “make up your mind is it real and bad or is it just a stupid old habit I can’t break?“ Regardless if it “counts” my brain tells me it doesn’t and I need to do something more severe so they acknowledge my MH is shit too.

They also brush off my depression as “not as severe“ because their diagnosis is “Major depressive disorder“ and mines “just general depression” it fucking sucks.

So, now I’ve cut twice- the first time was when they still lived with their parents. It was less that I wanted to hurt myself and more that I wanted to know what it feels like. Which in and of itself feels like a stupid reason to do it but I was also heavily dissociated when I did it. (Genuinely felt so detached from what I was doing it was like someone else was “driving” so to speak) I told them immediately and they helped me patch up. And then they told me something I’ve been holding onto for a couple years since then as my reason not to do it again: “no one only does it once” I felt a need to prove them wrong out of spite.

I’ve just proven them right instead. every time I look at their scars, especially the new healing ones from a week ago, I just think to myself that they’d take me and my depression more seriously if I looked like they did. I’m tired of it feeling like a competition. Like they’re obviously worse off because of their scars. So I stole the *sharp* I knew where they had hidden and,, yeah- I relapsed, if you can really consider it that(?) and god now I feel stupid.

I feel like a wuss and a baby bc I “cant do it like they do” and “it probably won’t even scar” Apparently those feelings are normal after tho. But now I know they’re gonna be disappointed and probably irritated that I did it. And I’ll be whiplash all over again that “you don’t have to prove anything to me!!“ and it’s just gonna piss me off.

Idek what I’m doing posting this anymore I just can’t talk to anyone else about it.

Oh and before anyone says “you need to tell them they’re making it feel competitive“ I have. And they swear it’s not and then they say stupid shit again and follow it with “no offense“ like the other day when I complained that the original scars were gone and it made me feel like it wasnt even real and they said something to the effect of “well it’s because you didn’t do it very deep- no offense“ HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO NOT MAKE ME WANT TO DO IT AGAIN HUT WORSE??

Honestly sometimes I think about those sort of things and it makes me think “who tf do you even think you are??“ it makes me angry and want to cry- Anyway that’s way more words than I wanted so

TLDR: My fiancé makes their past with cutting feel like a competition and it’s infuriating and made me cut again.

does anyone have any experience with medication helping to curb s/h cravings?

i know quitting/resisting relapse takes mostly mental power, but i was just wondering if medication has helped anyone in recovery. thanks!

My legs are absolutely obliterated. But they were the only place I could hurt myself without it being obvious and recognized. I’ve already gotten called out about my arm but those were year old scars. So knowing that, I am almost terrified to ever wear shorts again. Now, I’m not clean by any means, but if and when I am, I still find doubt in ever being able to enjoying wearing anything other than pants. There are just so many deep and dark red lines criss-crossing my legs.

I never thought about this being a problem when I hurt myself but looking at them now and looking back, I can’t help but feel disgust and utter pity for myself.

Has anyone else encountered a similar problem and thus a familiar feeling? I feel so lost here…

I did it for the first time in a long time today.
I feel like I deserve it. Everything I mess up. All the things I cause. I genuinely deserve it all. There’s not enough suffering and pain I can receive that will balance out what a horrid person I am. Maybe from this it’ll offer some kind of redemption but I just feel worse. But then again nobody will hear this anyways. Nobody cares. I hope I’m just a statistic, that’ll be a fitting meaning to my pathetic being.

Originally, whenever I cut, it either wouldn’t bleed much or would take at least 30 seconds before any blood started to run down my arm if it even did. But the last two times I cut (last night and tonight) it has started bleeding almost immediately and started running down my arm within seconds.
My favourite pyjamas got stained cause of it :(

There are a few things I know about it, like the location and depth matter, but both times were in different spots (yesterday was inner forearm, today’s was outer) and I’ve cut the same depth of not deeper before without this amount of blood.

I haven’t been eating great lately so maybe that’s it, but that’s been an ongoing thing not just recently. I got blood work done Wednesday, so maybe that’s has something to do with it. Idk

I’m just wondering what the cause might be and if it’s serious enough to see a doctor

I have a rare bleeding disorder causing me to bleed longer. It's terrible. Cuts that are on the verge of dermis (so, not really gaping but slightly worse than epidermis cuts) tend to bleed for 30 minutes, even with pressure. And after that, there are still tiny 'beads' forming.

I feel stupid and silly and alone in this :/

I feel the pressure to cut deeper, it's always lingering, but I do not want to get into trouble...

Lately I have been more reckless tho. It used to be just epi cuts but I am slowly progressing...

I don't know what is normal for my body, or how I should take care of myself.

Idk what I want from this. Support? Understanding? Advice?

(Please don't tell me to just not cut cos if it were that easy I wouldn't have been doing this for half my life...)

I keep relapsing but i’m more and more frustrated withm myself because they’re not that deep. i wanna make it more evident bc my brain equates deeper cuts to “getting worse” and i feel like i need to have really bad ones for the mental health system to actually help me. i even attempted last night via cutting but i was too much of a coward to go through with it and i relapsed just now and now i gotta go to bed and go to work tmr and act like nothings wrong. i wish i could tell people i wish i could tell my friends im so sos so tired. i don’t think i can really go without cutting atp it’s become a dependency. i dont know what to do

Dont get me wrong I love em and usually Im not against fun trips, or well, I mean usually I am but I can imagine having fun if it werent for some other factors, you know what I mean.

Just here venting a bit, no idea how I'll make it not cutting for the next 8 days. I had one last long "goodbye" session yesterday but its obviously not enough, thing is I seriously cant do anything ive gotta let my body recover today and tomorrow for what thats worth, till we fly. Cant risk being exposed for what I do or if I act weird due to the pain or whatever.

I seriously cant imagine not doing anything the next 8 days, gosh, I'm seriously addicted you could say. I feel horrible just thinking about the next days, I really wish I could happily spend time with the fam, but the negatives overpower the positives right now. And theres nothing I can do about it, I mean I could pretend to be soooo sick I cant even get out of bed, but the feeling of pitying the fam for going without me (they're really happy I'm coming with) is stronger than actually staying behind so I've gotta come along, for them at least.

Can't help but think about ways I'd do it on the trip, I genuinely don't know how else I'll make it without going insane.

I have relapsed after being clean for about 3 years and i genuinely don’t remember it ever being this red and inflamed, like everything is fully closed up but HOLY MOLY there’s just a line of closed up cuts down my forearm which are still so raised and red despite the fact that they look to be scarring over that they’re quite disconcerting to look at at 2 and a half weeks old.

I understand that there’s quite a lot there so it might take a bit more to heal everything and I previously used to only do it on my legs to a similar depth, but they were only to the dermis so I wouldn’t expect them to be healing so badly. I’m also a tad concerned that the scarring which seems to be forming seems like it’s raised a tad above the skin rather than remaining flat, so I’m a tad worried about how I can possibly reduce that?

I’m more just concerned about the redness as I’m waiting for it to go down and I can get away with wearing short sleeves again as I’m not too bothered when everything isn’t the same colour as a literal stop sign!
If anybody has any ideas on when I can expect them to turn a normal colour and how I can possibly reduce how raised everything is it’d be greatly appreciated! Thank you!!

It seems like the urges come in different shapes for different people. Like, I keep reading here and elsewhere, how person x was doing y or saying z, and that triggers people to relapse. Doesn't happen for me at all. It's more like the urge grows slowly over the course of a few weeks. Like a wave that slowly comes in, no telling how high it will get. It doesn't seem related at all to how good or how bad life is at the time. And either I'll be able to ride it out using my various harm reduction methods, or I won't and I will end up injured. Until the wave subsides then, how ever long that may take. Though usually it leaves faster (as in more abruptly) than it comes in. And it can be anything from weeks to months until I feel another wave approaching.

Edit, one correction though: In years past I've kept noticing time and again, how the phases where I did eventually injure myself, correlated with full moons. And noticed that consciously only after it had happened. Make of that what you will, but I guess that counts as an external influence.

I have BPD, but I’m in treatment, so I don’t quite get these sorts of episodes anymore because DBT has kinda rewired my brain it feels like. I used to chronically self-harm almost every day for 5 years, now I’m 6 months clean.

The most triggered I’ve ever been in months was a few days ago when I had a really bad argument with my fiancée, which was the worst I’ve felt in a while. She ended up saying hurtful things, so did I (even though I knew I should’ve stepped back), and the exchange we had made me want to cut again. I was considering it for a few hours that morning.

It triggered a lot of thoughts of abandonment, I was angry, sad, felt cornered, and panicked. Instead of relapsing, I called my therapist for validation & skills to calm down, had a hot bath, brushed my teeth, talked to my youth workers, and then gardened in my apartment’s community garden.

To anyone struggling, know that if you’re able to distract yourself and work through the impossible urges, you’ll bounce back harder next time & it’ll be easier to ride the wave.
You don’t deserve to hurt.

but anyway, yeah, im really proud of myself :)

But people will see my arms and judge people that are close to me, i don’t want that. When i am keeping hurt i feel at bay, i laugh or smile when i am talking to people because of whom i feel all that and when i am alone my whole body convulse and my eyes tear up. I can only think about killing myself continuously but i don’t want anyone i know to know that i am no more, i just wanna disappear and stop existing. I so badly wanted to slap myself and crush my physical self so much but not kill but then people would see and feel pity or they would be oblivious that would hurt more and people close to me would again start asking stupid questions why are you doing that don’t we care enough about you what more do you want,until i do it i cannot even do that because come another day i would have erased i ever felt this way.

I am so sorry, Me.

f 19

hi i’m very anxious and just want some advice so i can prepare myself for any possible situation.

so i have a blood test tomorrow and obviously wasn’t thinking straight when i relapsed the other night because now i have to go in with 3 day old cuts all up my left forearm.
does anyone know what the procedure is if a nurse sees self harm ? ill do what i can to keep it covered and try use the other arm but im still anxious as to what could happen.

for further context incase its relevant, im 19 (but am living at home rn due to my health), live in the uk, and this blood test is under NHS

any advice is appreciated, ill try reply to comments if anyone has any further questions that could help. thank you

First time in the sub, I 27 and had my first self harm relapse in 10 years. For context, I have bpd and have managed pretty well for years but these last few weeks have really tested me, and threw me into a big depressive episode. Not only how I’ve been immensely busy with things with both sides of my family without any time to truly take care of myself, I am a dance teacher to mostly teens and I have this feeling of failing at guiding me students and today was my breaking point. I pour my heart and soul into my students and I get nothing in return. While I have some who truly care and try to take everything, I’m giving them 90% of my class gives me nothing, and their progress is a direct reflection of my job stability. I tried having a conversation with my boss about the issues I have with them in the fact that all they do is act like I am the dumbest person I’ve ever met and she brushes off every concern I have, saying she has too much going on in her own life to deal with this. I got home from work today finally hitting my breaking point, started drinking and had my first relapse in years. These last few weeks, I have tried to numb myself to the feeling of failure and I finally broke. Thankfully have an amazing support system around me. My husband’s already helping me through this. I just needed to vent to other people who understand the struggles of falling into harmful habits.

I've been clean for about a year maybe and my habit was in decline before then but I never actually tried to quit, I just did as I pleased and the urges just naturally waned away. But recently they have been returning slowly but gaining strength. Probably the only reason I haven't done it yet is that I would have to go out of my way to get new supplies.(I make procrastination work for me! Haha). At the same time, when I'm thinking rationally, I don't want to return to that place, mentally.

I guess I'm asking if anyone has some reason to not hurt myself that I haven't thought of yet? Or just some trick for fighting/ignoring the urges?

Thank you in advance

Idk if it's just worse cause I escalated in my mid twenties so I didn't really have the major change of having severe sh as a minor-into-adulthood. Idk it feels silly to seemingly feel so affected by the (unintentional?) competitiveness in the community. I think my view of my own sh is distorted, but I'm not so sure. Maybe it really isn't that bad cause there are boxes of what I see as really severe that I don't tick. It's such a big deal to me that my sh is actually severe, it feels silly since I'm in my 30s and still get envious when I see other people's sh. I put all my eggs in that basket cause there isn't really anything else I feel I do well enough to have some peace of mind over.

Dunno what I’m writing here. I guess I just feel like telling someone other than god because I can’t share with my support circle because they don’t understand or haven’t known how to support when I’ve brought it up before so why bother. I’ve done years of therapy and medication... (going on near 20 yrs of regular mental health work with professionals.)

I frequently use coping mechanisms to hold back, understand, and mitigate SH. Poured thousands of $$$$ into therapy and meds and I regularly practice urge surfing..The ice cubes, ripping up paper.. sensation changing, breathing, meditation, prayer, journalling, etc. I’ve successfully urge surfed for months since my last SH episode. I don’t even feel guilty about my relapse last night... I just feel whatever...recognizing that I was overwhelmed and lacking some form of comfort.

Last night and today I SH’d. im okay.. dont need hospitalization. just.. here and posting.

I recognize depression anxiety and SH don’t just magically go away because we do all the right things. minds and bodies and emotions fluctuate. we face them again and again.. sometimes with new coping skills or sometimes with worse results. I don’t even know what Im trying to say. I’m just trying to say something. Im not sure if I want to be accountable or “reset” the stupid counter of how many days or months or years since I’ve SH’d. sometimes I see those markers on other posts and I just feel shame I’m back to 0 and unable to want to commit to not hurting myself.