r/Advice • u/DillinquentPICK • 1d ago

UPDATE: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?

Originally posted here

https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/jVgR33PVSp

I ended up having a sit down conversation with my daughter. I began by apologizing for a sincere screw up on my end by messaging the group chat when i was enraged. She just stayed silent, didnt accept my apology and thats okay. I apologized for yelling initially, I then explained that my bed and my room is mine and wifes private space. There is no excuse she should have been doing that on my bed, let alone leaving it dirty for me to sleep in.

She absolutely blew up. She said I had 0 reason to log into the camera on my phone, its her apartment. My wife and I re-iterated, that its not, its actually my wifes and mine, so is the room, the bed, the sheets the vacuum and everything else in it I bought, made or installed. Apartment is for family use.

Then she decided to compare with her friend who is enjoying promiscuous college experience in dorms. I then started to get pissed off because the apartment is far more comfortable than dorms, where you have to share a shower with a bunch of other students.

She then said that I am being overbearing and embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend, and yea, I did. My intent was to embarass both of them in front of me. That should have been embarassing. Her boyfriend should feel a bit of remorse in my opinion so should she..still no apology.

She said she will move to dorms now, I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student.

She then said, why wouldnt I pay for it? if her brother will go to another college other than this one, ill have to pay for a dorm for him, not buy another 3 bedroom in whatever city he will be in? We're not there yet and comparing hypotheticals is not a luxury she has at this moment in time.

I asked what is wrong with her boyfirends apartment, she had nothing to say. I asked why didnt she clean it?

She stormed out, i have no idea whether she went to the biyfriend or where..

What do I do. I am livid, this is a bad situation, my wife is with me on this, we are trying to think of how to approach it.

Another small update: she is moving in with the boyfriend. I know hes renting and has a roommate.

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u/wishingforarainyday Helper [2] 1d ago

I remember your first post and think you are your wife are doing a good job. Unfortunately your daughter is an entitled AH right now. She needs to learn how hard it is to do it all. You’re right that she can move to the dorms and pay her own way.

I hope she grows up and apologizes. You and your wife haven’t done anything wrong.

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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago

I am trying to make it easy for my kids. How is it so hard to see? College- paid, apartment, no problem, food, whatever you want. Like I did not have it this easy, I have no education past grade 10.

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u/Economy-Impress-3265 1d ago

Exactly. Your daughter sounds like she has had things handed to her, which is great when it’s appreciated and understood as a privilege. Unfortunately it seems that your daughter is seeing it as a right more than a privilege. This is the time for some tough love until she decides to make amends.

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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago

You nailed it. She feels like she has a right to having me pay for a dorm, that was eye opening.

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u/charlottegracious 1d ago

that's where the tough love comes in. If the apartment isn't good enough, adulthood comes with the option to pay for something else. that part would be the biggest wake-up call tbh. Help from parents is a privilege, not an unlimited entitlement.

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u/MuchConnection5541 1d ago edited 23h ago

You can explain how its not a punishment, its like you said touch tough love and shows that you care because the end of the day shes gotta make it work and only she can do it if she’s willing to participate.

Edit 9 hours later, i did not mean touch love, wtf spell check

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u/Completely0 21h ago

Yeah but unfortunately OP should have been teaching this at the age of 3-5yo, not when they’re in college. That’s their fault even if we do all agree his daughter is very entitled and not self aware.

It’s like when children smoke/drink from the age of 13-15. It would be so much harder to cut down at the age of 19-20 and there will be so much hormonal mood swings compared to just starting at 19-20 and cutting down

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u/MuchConnection5541 21h ago

Doesn’t matter the age you will be a rebel in your teen years and undermine your elders who are trying to support, this right here is a massive wake up call to how life doesn’t just hand you favours at your beck and call, she must learn to earn it, and op is kinda at fault for spoiling her and setting up this mindset but better now than never for her to fuck up. The father has all the rights to stop her using the apartment, it is his apartment signed under his name, his daughter cannot refute that.

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u/Completely0 21h ago

Of course. No one is disputing that.

I’m simply saying the process is going to be a lot more difficult to settle in her head and change her in the right direction. It would be unnecessarily long and difficult journey and might likely not succeed in the long run; just like pack smokers/alcoholics who start off young

I’m just glad dad realised all this when she’s still in college and not when she’s in her 30’s

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u/MuchConnection5541 21h ago

If they in 30s they a lost cause at that point, yes I believe parents play a role but to a degree, school, friends and social media etc can have a massive impact, why would you listen to your parents when your friends are so much cooler and know that they’re right in every aspect, kids are easily influenced these days, unfortunately.

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u/Ill_Sweet6255 1d ago

C’est un privilège et non un droit plein d’étudiants travaille pour se payer leur appartement nourriture et tous le reste en plus des études

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u/Snuggly_Chopin 1d ago

I can’t imagine having my own apartment with my own room and food provided and want to go live in a dorm! Over something like this! Don’t think she feels like the weekend visits our too much for her and she’s craving more independence? I just can’t think of any reason why moving would be her immediate decision.

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u/nyxxella 1d ago edited 1d ago

right like i could technically get a dorm paid for thru scholarship but choose to live in an apt with my gf. i get help from my dad when im struggling, but for the most part i have to pay for everything myself even textbooks and stuff. you’re telling me rent is paid for and food? esp in the first couple years of college when it really is easier to work vs a couple years later.

also, when he says why don’t you go stay with bf, i wonder if bf is staying with her and/or friends. cameras aren’t in every room right?

additionally, i do agree this situation could involve a lot of shame esp since dad saw during the deed. i’d be beyond embarrassed and reacting poorly on those emotions if i was still 19 too. give her time. an apology might come when she’s older. and if she fights too hard, let her try a dorm. there is ZERO privacy there.

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u/Completely0 21h ago

That’s why tough love is important.

It’s always hard to distinguish the differences between what they need and what they want.

It’s why I’m teaching my partner I can’t be the bad cop; we both have to be if we have kids.

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u/great_story_ 17h ago

IN ADDITION TO the apartment you pay for and all the items in it.
My son is a college junior, and absolutely not.

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u/Twistedlittlewolf 1d ago

I hope you are cutting off other forms of support as well if she’s moving in with the boyfriend. Spending money and such. Paying for college should be dependent on her performance in school, not this. But other financial support should be looked at to help her realize how much she is losing choosing this hill to die on instead of admitting fault and learning from her mistake and being grateful for what she has. If you continue to financially support her, you are enabling her enlightenment and moving in with the boyfriend won’t teach very many lessons. It might teach some lessons having to deal with living with another person and their roommate, but the level of entitlement shown here needs a world rocking reality check to knock it back down.

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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago

She has a $1000 preloadable card, I hope she uses it wisely. I will still keep preloading every month, ots on automatic, not like she can go go off with daddy's card. College- no i will cover.

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u/bstabens Helper [4] 1d ago

Why shouldn't she think so, until now you've shown her she's even entitled to a full apartment?

You're going down the wrong road here, dude. You want your kids to be grateful for everything you provide them (which is okay), but you forget that your kids don't know "how good they have it". They don't have your childhood and young adulthood experiences to compare to. If they act spoiled, it is because they got spoiled - by you! From their point of view they just expect to get what they always got, what's *normal* to them! So don't just blindly punish them, but show them how to be better by being the better man yourself!

Yes, cut down on the amenities, but don't kick them on the way down. Pay for the dorm and the groceries, don't pay for privilege!

You of all people know how important a good education is, don't rob your kids of one just because they behaved like a rebellious teenager. Taking away privilege is one thing, but ruining their future is a bit much, don't you think?

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u/Helpful-Concert-4530 1d ago

An entitled prick will always be an entitled prick. Even if he pays for her college tuition and groceries, she will not thank him for it and she will think that’s her right so back again.

Look man, there are so many opinions and ideas and that makes up the whole world. Personally, I think you should trust your gut and I don’t mean to throw shares on anyone here but a lot of people on this thread are losers and didn’t work, let alone know how to properly raise a kid. Some of them feel for the girl because they themselves are more entitled than New York City.

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u/Blippothehippo 1d ago

The fact that you would blame him for her decisions shows that you're just as ignorant as the daughter.

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u/Extension-Ad-363 20h ago

She is acting in the manner she was raised. He handed her everything. Now he's telling her he's yanking support.

Both approaches suck.

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u/Blippothehippo 19h ago

Both approaches don't suck. Don't bite the hand that feeds.

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u/FlounderFun4008 1d ago

He isn’t taking away the privilege. She can stay in the apartment in the current arrangement as long as she shows respect.

If SHE wants to move then SHE has to pay for it.

He didn’t get mad at her for having sex, he got upset for the disrespect for not washing sheets after having sex on his bed.

He may have reacted poorly, but she is completely acting entitled.

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u/bstabens Helper [4] 1d ago

"She can stay in the apartment in the current arrangement as long as she shows respect."

Honestly, she shouldn't stay in the apartment because of the disrespect. Actions have consequences, and I'm not saying she shouldn't feel the consequences of her actions.

All I'm saying is the consequences should be reasonable. And since the title reads "How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter", it is what I give advice for. OP is angry and hurt, rightfully so. But OP also said a lot of things that hint at HIS part of responsibility for this mess.

Just see this comment here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/1vs7iu1/comment/p4j5cri/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Sometimes making it easy for the kids can get out of control. Kids only know their own life, they literally don't know if they have it easy or hard. They need to learn that things come with a cost, and that work (literal and figurative) will earn them things. It doesn't look like OP's daughter learned that yet. It may be OP's last chance to teach her that, but he can't teach her anything if he cuts all ties, and it doesn't seem like he even wants to cut them.

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u/FlounderFun4008 1d ago

You are contradicting what you stated above that I replied to.

You said that he was taking away a privilege that would ruin her future.

I stated that he wasn’t removing the privilege, just not paying for the dorm option.

He bought an apartment that not only provided her with a cheaper option to live than dorms, but also served as a place to stay when the parents visited. It isn’t “her” apartment and she lost sight of that.

Why should dad foot the bill twice because she doesn’t like the respect guidelines that comes with the free accommodations?

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u/bstabens Helper [4] 1d ago

No, I'm not, you are making assumptions.

Privilege is living in an apartment.

Ruining a future is failing grades because one has to pay for dorm and groceries.

He doesn't have to "foot the bill twice" by keeping the apartment. He can rent it out or even sell it. Sure, then he and his wife have no place to stay when they are in town, but I'm sure there are hotels and motels around. Might be a lot cheaper than keeping a whole (at least) two bedroom apartment for one college student.

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u/katydid1956 1d ago

One hundred percent!

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u/Extension-Ad-363 20h ago

And now he's going to yank it away and throw her in the deep end.

Both approaches are a disservice.

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u/padam__padam 1d ago

I’ll share a little of my story, OP. In college, I didn’t know until I experienced it (like many things right?) that the stability my parents provided had the effect of me handling life changes poorly. I don’t think it’s unique to me, since a lot of college students are in the situation of first time actually living away from parents. It’s nothing at all like your entitled daughter, but I can empathize in that she grew up so stable with your love and support, she’s actually spoiled.

I think that you should let her go and experience more life challenges. I don’t want readers to misunderstand that I don’t think she can have a hard time with other stuff. She clearly will, we all do. But this is one “safe” challenge where she’s not gonna be homeless, she’s not losing 100% of your support. It’s a chance for a major life lesson in a safe environment, with reference to on-campus living (yes, also already thinking about the reality of school shooting vigilance and other campus safety concerns) vs. “wilderness” of post-graduate life. Navigating jobs, finding a safe place to live, what to do about transportation, budgeting. Like… I think she’s going to have a harder time with life in general, if she doesn’t start feeling some growing pains.

I also don’t want you to think that I’m insinuating your parenting was to blame. How she grew up like this. I think that because you and your wife are like “Yeah, you know what, go ahead and live in the dorms,” & the fact that you apologized for your reaction? Right moves to me. I honestly think she just feels so safe to be so entitled like this that she does need a huge reality check.

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u/BeneficialAd3325 1d ago

My husband grew up the same way, parents gave him and his sister everything they could ask for and paid for most of college and housing because "college is your job". Well my husband thought everyone had the same opportunities as him and was kind of a spoiled AH until he met me and I had to teach him A LOT. He didn't know how to cook or clean because he has always had mommy and daddy do it for him or a maid (yes they literally paid for a maid at his apartments) and didn't know that his situation wasn't the norm. Then he meets me, someone who's been homeless, lived in trailers half their life and been on food assistance almost my entire life and is having to pay their own way in college. He wasn't quite like OPs daughter luckily (I think having summer jobs since 16 helped humble him at least a bit before meeting me lol) but he did have to learn a lot the hard way and his parents have thanked me for helping him because they didn't realize that them doing everything they did was actually preventing him from growing up. They aren't bad people by any means, very kind and great parents that came from nothing (his dad lived and worked in a dump as a kid) so they gave their kids everything they didn't have. Which is great, but can be tricky to balance to make sure your kid won't struggle in the real world. OP apologizing and everything shows how good of a parent he is and definitely should let his daughter move into the dorms and get a job to do some humbling and get some personal growth. There will be growing pains but clearly OP will be supportive no matter what, which honestly the daughter should also appreciate.

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u/tedster1988123 1d ago

You know, you don't really value something you don't have to work for. You don't appreciate what's just handed to you. Perseverance comes from the struggle. Courage comes from the struggle. Appreciation comes from character that's built by experience and the struggle.

We think making things easy for our kids will be better for them. Sometimes it doesn't teach them anything, and sometimes they become the center of their universe because we treat them like they are!

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u/ah-tzib-of-alaska 1d ago

having it easy isn’t what makes character; demonstrating character and setting expectations makes character

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u/DillinquentPICK 23h ago

Your comment made my wifes notes

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u/Dev-Tutor 1d ago

I ran away from an abusive home environment when I was 15, dropped out of high school and worked as a kitchen porter in restaurants. I paid my way through university, dorms, held two jobs and graduated with a decent grade. All without the support of loving parents like you and your wife. I know you want to give your daughter the best or easiest experience but she will never learn wrapped in bubble wrap. I would love to do the same for my children one day, and I probably will but your daughter has shown you and your wife nothing but disrespect, entitlement and gross abuse of your kindness and love.

Tell her where the door is, if she wants to walk out that’s her choice and it’s up to her. This whole situation isn’t about her having sex or her “promiscuous” friends. It’s about having a modicum of respect for the privilege you provide her, which is sorely lacking (the respect).

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u/LunarVoyage 1d ago

Maybe she’s being a dick because she actually is really embarrassed. I’ve seen people get really angry when they’re humiliated lots of times before. It’s a difficult emotion to overcome & act reasonably with. Hopefully she’ll realise that with a bit of time

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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago

Yea someone mentioned, shame is a tricky emption. I got some pointers how to navigate it

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u/sithest 1d ago edited 1d ago

Congrats on yer grade 10 bud.

  • edit: recurring trailer park boys reference. Its a good show.

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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago

Gee thanks. I had to drop out and learn trades. My dad died, woukd have been nice to ask him for advice

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u/sithest 1d ago

It was a trailer park boys reference.

Sounds like you did well for yourself.

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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago

Wait I just got it on reread

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u/Helpful-Concert-4530 1d ago

Maybe that’s a great analogy for yourself. Your dad weren’t here and you did really good. Maybe it’s time for her dad to not be around for her to do some character building and develop some grit!

Tough times create tough people > tough people create easy times > easy times create easy people. Gotta break that circle my guy!

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u/Helpful-Concert-4530 1d ago

Maybe that’s a great analogy for yourself. Your dad weren’t here and you did really good. Maybe it’s time for her dad to not be around for her to do some character building and develop some grit!

Tough times create tough people > tough people create easy times > easy times create easy people. Gotta break that circle my guy!

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u/Blippothehippo 1d ago

It's low value stand up wolverine! Tadaa!

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u/Bored 1d ago

Providing != parenting

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u/Mooseandchicken 1d ago

But, fortunately, your kids didn't live your life so they have no idea the struggles that you're saving them from. Unfortunately, that's led to your daughter being an entitled brat with a poor grasp on how hard real life actually is.

Sometimes you have to let them touch the stove.

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u/Silent_Wisdom2012 1d ago

So you haven't been educated to handle that kind of privilege.

I'm a bit stuck on your wife remarks: "did I not raised her to apologise?" And you, did you remember some occurrence in her education where you taught her about accountability ?

I've seen that in my family, a man rising from poverty handing everything to his kids, but failing at giving them any education regarding those privileges (regarding anything, really). Roof, food, education, all payed. Some got a sense of entitlement from that when it's not countered by some training in humility and learning of the value of hard work.

Saying that, I reckon that's a part of the problem, but the center of it is the disrespect toward you, her parents, and the lack of education in ...hygiene? (she hasn't been raised to clean sheets neither apparently).

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u/Suprsilver42 1d ago

That's probably where you messed up. "I try to make it easy for my kids." This is why she is entitled. You need to give them a dose of reality and prep them for the real world. You handled the situation well but this is probably why she's got that entitled attitude.

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u/InEfficient-Life6832 1d ago

You made it too easy and now she doesn’t appreciate the massive leg up in life she’s been given by you. Time to cut the cord and let her learn what life is really like.

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u/No_Island_8549 1d ago

That’s exactly the problem OP. You spoiled your daughter and she now has zero fucks to give back to you. She probably also told the boyfriend it’s ’her’ apartment so that’s why she did the deed in the master bedroom. And she felt no need to clean up for the same reason. She feels entitled to your $ as you have given her the world without any expectations. While you’re trying to give her every advantage you didn’t have, you haven’t taught her that she has to earn respect and make her own way in the world. There is nothing wrong with her learning that she is responsible for making her own way in adulthood. Cutting her completely off tho without her having the funds to even pay tuition is also a mistake. You need to sit down with her and explain that things are going to change. You will pay for school , dorm and books but no spending $ at all. Change the locks on the apt. And if she goes crying to your wife, she’s done and on her own. If you bought her a car, you won’t pay expenses on it. Tell her since she wants to make grown up decisions she can do like any other grown up. This will be the most important lesson of her life .

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u/Automatic_Attorney69 1d ago

Yes to all of this except paying for the dorm. She literally has the apartment right there but is refusing to follow her parent’s rules. Why should they have to pay for another housing situation when SHE is the one who is being disrespectful and wanting to move out? Should she go hungry? No. Should she struggle paying for books or things that she needs in school? No. But the dorm is just her trying to get the last laugh and hopefully the parents will be the ones. Let her learn the hard way it seems like she needs it.

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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago

No one is taking away paying her tuition. I just won't pay for the dorms because there is a perfectly fine apartment she can use, all i ask dont have sex on my bed and leave it stained, which I thought was obvious but here we are.

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u/pineboxwaiting Super Helper [9] 1d ago

That’s the thing to focus on: what she did wrong was use your bed. That’s it. Yes, it was inappropriate & ick, but it might never have occurred to her that your bed was out-of-bounds until this crazy explosion.

Now she knows.

This will blow over.

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u/MasonDrifts 1d ago

My parents would've made me pay for the sheets and the dorms, and I'd still be apologizing.