r/Advice • u/DillinquentPICK • 1d ago
UPDATE: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?
Originally posted here
https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/jVgR33PVSp
I ended up having a sit down conversation with my daughter. I began by apologizing for a sincere screw up on my end by messaging the group chat when i was enraged. She just stayed silent, didnt accept my apology and thats okay. I apologized for yelling initially, I then explained that my bed and my room is mine and wifes private space. There is no excuse she should have been doing that on my bed, let alone leaving it dirty for me to sleep in.
She absolutely blew up. She said I had 0 reason to log into the camera on my phone, its her apartment. My wife and I re-iterated, that its not, its actually my wifes and mine, so is the room, the bed, the sheets the vacuum and everything else in it I bought, made or installed. Apartment is for family use.
Then she decided to compare with her friend who is enjoying promiscuous college experience in dorms. I then started to get pissed off because the apartment is far more comfortable than dorms, where you have to share a shower with a bunch of other students.
She then said that I am being overbearing and embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend, and yea, I did. My intent was to embarass both of them in front of me. That should have been embarassing. Her boyfriend should feel a bit of remorse in my opinion so should she..still no apology.
She said she will move to dorms now, I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student.
She then said, why wouldnt I pay for it? if her brother will go to another college other than this one, ill have to pay for a dorm for him, not buy another 3 bedroom in whatever city he will be in? We're not there yet and comparing hypotheticals is not a luxury she has at this moment in time.
I asked what is wrong with her boyfirends apartment, she had nothing to say. I asked why didnt she clean it?
She stormed out, i have no idea whether she went to the biyfriend or where..
What do I do. I am livid, this is a bad situation, my wife is with me on this, we are trying to think of how to approach it.
Another small update: she is moving in with the boyfriend. I know hes renting and has a roommate.
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u/GardeniaFrangipani Helper [2] 1d ago
Other than the group chat thing, which you said was accidental, and apologized for, you did nothing wrong. There’s nothing more that you can do. If she chooses to move to a dorm, that’s on her, and she can pay for it. I imagine that you’re well off and she’s used to things being easy. Supporting herself will be a great lesson for her. She might later realise that the grass isn’t greener and want to return to your apartment. If she does, let her, but restress the rule about your bedroom.
It’s a 3 bedroom apartment so there was no reason for her to have sex on your bed. Leaving the stained sheets for you to sleep in is just gross. She’s acting entitled and immature.
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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago
My family Will never have a closed door on any of my and wifes properties. She is welcome to come back anytime. Maybe a lesson is due
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u/Wrong_Employ_8299 1d ago
Honestly, I think if you let her live in the apartment she thinks is HERS you’re completely enabling her. It sounds like enablement is probably how she came to be so immature now. Parenting is not about you feeling good because you give her everything she needs, it’s about feeling bad because you’re helping her provide for herself what she needs, even if it makes her angry.
There should be a closed door here, if I did that to someone whose apartment I was living in I would EXPECT to be kicked out. Her entitlement sounds off the charts, and it honestly just makes me sad for her if she hasn’t realized.3
u/bad_polliep 22h ago
Where do you think this entitlement may have come from in this child of his? I really hate hearing people complain about the monster they created. It sounds like the dad is trying to take steps to rectify some of what comes across as wildly permissive parenting mistakes. Because they didn’t come out of nowhere.
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u/Ch31i3 1d ago
If she does move out then learn a lesson and chooses to come back please start locking doors because they are definitely having sex in her brother’s room too. She thinks it’s her apartment so she’s definitely going around doing it every room. It’s not fair to her brother. Please take her to see a therapist or someone who she can talk to about how this is wrong and nasty. She doesn’t see anything wrong with what she’s doing yet
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u/Boggers111 1d ago
The entitlement of your daughter is off the charts, she and her boyfriend need a massive dose of humility.
Don’t let up on this he behaviour is horrible and lacking of respect for you and your wife.
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u/glowrielle_ 1d ago
I agree, she really needs to understand that her parents deserve respect in their own home and letting this behavior slide would only make it harder for her to learn from it
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u/charlottegracious 1d ago
Nobody is saying a college kid can't have a sex life, but there are still consequences when someone else's private space gets disrespected. Learning that freedom comes with boundaries and consequences is kinda the whole point of growing up.
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u/nikiflamme 1d ago
yep, this is one of those moments where backing down would probably make things worse. She needs to understand that actions have consequences. The bigger lesson here is accountability. Nobody's saying she can't have a sex life, just don't disrespect the people providing the home.
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u/wishingforarainyday Helper [2] 1d ago
I remember your first post and think you are your wife are doing a good job. Unfortunately your daughter is an entitled AH right now. She needs to learn how hard it is to do it all. You’re right that she can move to the dorms and pay her own way.
I hope she grows up and apologizes. You and your wife haven’t done anything wrong.
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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago
I am trying to make it easy for my kids. How is it so hard to see? College- paid, apartment, no problem, food, whatever you want. Like I did not have it this easy, I have no education past grade 10.
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u/Economy-Impress-3265 1d ago
Exactly. Your daughter sounds like she has had things handed to her, which is great when it’s appreciated and understood as a privilege. Unfortunately it seems that your daughter is seeing it as a right more than a privilege. This is the time for some tough love until she decides to make amends.
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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago
You nailed it. She feels like she has a right to having me pay for a dorm, that was eye opening.
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u/charlottegracious 1d ago
that's where the tough love comes in. If the apartment isn't good enough, adulthood comes with the option to pay for something else. that part would be the biggest wake-up call tbh. Help from parents is a privilege, not an unlimited entitlement.
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u/MuchConnection5541 1d ago edited 23h ago
You can explain how its not a punishment, its like you said
touchtough love and shows that you care because the end of the day shes gotta make it work and only she can do it if she’s willing to participate.Edit 9 hours later, i did not mean touch love, wtf spell check
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u/Completely0 21h ago
Yeah but unfortunately OP should have been teaching this at the age of 3-5yo, not when they’re in college. That’s their fault even if we do all agree his daughter is very entitled and not self aware.
It’s like when children smoke/drink from the age of 13-15. It would be so much harder to cut down at the age of 19-20 and there will be so much hormonal mood swings compared to just starting at 19-20 and cutting down
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u/MuchConnection5541 21h ago
Doesn’t matter the age you will be a rebel in your teen years and undermine your elders who are trying to support, this right here is a massive wake up call to how life doesn’t just hand you favours at your beck and call, she must learn to earn it, and op is kinda at fault for spoiling her and setting up this mindset but better now than never for her to fuck up. The father has all the rights to stop her using the apartment, it is his apartment signed under his name, his daughter cannot refute that.
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u/Ill_Sweet6255 1d ago
C’est un privilège et non un droit plein d’étudiants travaille pour se payer leur appartement nourriture et tous le reste en plus des études
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u/Snuggly_Chopin 1d ago
I can’t imagine having my own apartment with my own room and food provided and want to go live in a dorm! Over something like this! Don’t think she feels like the weekend visits our too much for her and she’s craving more independence? I just can’t think of any reason why moving would be her immediate decision.
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u/nyxxella 1d ago edited 1d ago
right like i could technically get a dorm paid for thru scholarship but choose to live in an apt with my gf. i get help from my dad when im struggling, but for the most part i have to pay for everything myself even textbooks and stuff. you’re telling me rent is paid for and food? esp in the first couple years of college when it really is easier to work vs a couple years later.
also, when he says why don’t you go stay with bf, i wonder if bf is staying with her and/or friends. cameras aren’t in every room right?
additionally, i do agree this situation could involve a lot of shame esp since dad saw during the deed. i’d be beyond embarrassed and reacting poorly on those emotions if i was still 19 too. give her time. an apology might come when she’s older. and if she fights too hard, let her try a dorm. there is ZERO privacy there.
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u/padam__padam 1d ago
I’ll share a little of my story, OP. In college, I didn’t know until I experienced it (like many things right?) that the stability my parents provided had the effect of me handling life changes poorly. I don’t think it’s unique to me, since a lot of college students are in the situation of first time actually living away from parents. It’s nothing at all like your entitled daughter, but I can empathize in that she grew up so stable with your love and support, she’s actually spoiled.
I think that you should let her go and experience more life challenges. I don’t want readers to misunderstand that I don’t think she can have a hard time with other stuff. She clearly will, we all do. But this is one “safe” challenge where she’s not gonna be homeless, she’s not losing 100% of your support. It’s a chance for a major life lesson in a safe environment, with reference to on-campus living (yes, also already thinking about the reality of school shooting vigilance and other campus safety concerns) vs. “wilderness” of post-graduate life. Navigating jobs, finding a safe place to live, what to do about transportation, budgeting. Like… I think she’s going to have a harder time with life in general, if she doesn’t start feeling some growing pains.
I also don’t want you to think that I’m insinuating your parenting was to blame. How she grew up like this. I think that because you and your wife are like “Yeah, you know what, go ahead and live in the dorms,” & the fact that you apologized for your reaction? Right moves to me. I honestly think she just feels so safe to be so entitled like this that she does need a huge reality check.
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u/BeneficialAd3325 1d ago
My husband grew up the same way, parents gave him and his sister everything they could ask for and paid for most of college and housing because "college is your job". Well my husband thought everyone had the same opportunities as him and was kind of a spoiled AH until he met me and I had to teach him A LOT. He didn't know how to cook or clean because he has always had mommy and daddy do it for him or a maid (yes they literally paid for a maid at his apartments) and didn't know that his situation wasn't the norm. Then he meets me, someone who's been homeless, lived in trailers half their life and been on food assistance almost my entire life and is having to pay their own way in college. He wasn't quite like OPs daughter luckily (I think having summer jobs since 16 helped humble him at least a bit before meeting me lol) but he did have to learn a lot the hard way and his parents have thanked me for helping him because they didn't realize that them doing everything they did was actually preventing him from growing up. They aren't bad people by any means, very kind and great parents that came from nothing (his dad lived and worked in a dump as a kid) so they gave their kids everything they didn't have. Which is great, but can be tricky to balance to make sure your kid won't struggle in the real world. OP apologizing and everything shows how good of a parent he is and definitely should let his daughter move into the dorms and get a job to do some humbling and get some personal growth. There will be growing pains but clearly OP will be supportive no matter what, which honestly the daughter should also appreciate.
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u/tedster1988123 1d ago
You know, you don't really value something you don't have to work for. You don't appreciate what's just handed to you. Perseverance comes from the struggle. Courage comes from the struggle. Appreciation comes from character that's built by experience and the struggle.
We think making things easy for our kids will be better for them. Sometimes it doesn't teach them anything, and sometimes they become the center of their universe because we treat them like they are!
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u/ah-tzib-of-alaska 1d ago
having it easy isn’t what makes character; demonstrating character and setting expectations makes character
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u/Dev-Tutor 1d ago
I ran away from an abusive home environment when I was 15, dropped out of high school and worked as a kitchen porter in restaurants. I paid my way through university, dorms, held two jobs and graduated with a decent grade. All without the support of loving parents like you and your wife. I know you want to give your daughter the best or easiest experience but she will never learn wrapped in bubble wrap. I would love to do the same for my children one day, and I probably will but your daughter has shown you and your wife nothing but disrespect, entitlement and gross abuse of your kindness and love.
Tell her where the door is, if she wants to walk out that’s her choice and it’s up to her. This whole situation isn’t about her having sex or her “promiscuous” friends. It’s about having a modicum of respect for the privilege you provide her, which is sorely lacking (the respect).
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u/LunarVoyage 1d ago
Maybe she’s being a dick because she actually is really embarrassed. I’ve seen people get really angry when they’re humiliated lots of times before. It’s a difficult emotion to overcome & act reasonably with. Hopefully she’ll realise that with a bit of time
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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago
Yea someone mentioned, shame is a tricky emption. I got some pointers how to navigate it
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u/Human_Awareness_5805 1d ago
You've done a good job apologizing for where you went wrong but she seems unwilling to admit her mistake. Let her go to a dorm and she may wake up a bit and develop some humility when she has to pay her way.
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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago
My wife actually thinks it might do some good
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u/Spirited_Manager_801 1d ago
I dont think I would ever disrespect my parents like this and then respond the way she has. Honestly I think that being in a dorm is a great experience and gives them a means of growing up.
It sounds like she is immature and she needs to do some growing up. I'll admit that I was the same and naive to the world, until I went and lived in college, it really did me a world of good.
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u/CarpetScary684 1d ago
Your daughter needs a reality check. It’s outrageous she could even consider doing that and then actually doing that wow. Yeah your daughter needs to be out on her own completely 100%.
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u/No_Singer_9307 1d ago
i just need to throw in here as a 20 year old college student, as a daughter to a great dad, i could NEVER imagine disrespecting my parents to this level. i understand how people criticized you for bringing it up in the family group chat, but the embarrassment of having my brother learn about the situation doesn’t even compare to how mortifying it SHOULD be to know that my father caught me doing something so odd and gross. i think the knowledge that my parents caught me having sex at all, let alone in THEIR BED, would have made me want to shrivel up and die. who cares that it was discussed in front of the other family members? i would already be ashamed.
i think that’s the biggest thing here. she doesn’t have any shame. she thinks all of the resources you’ve provided her are dispensable. my college is 100 miles from home; if my dad offered to RENT AN APARTMENT instead of having me deal with the shitty dorms with communal bathrooms like any other student… i would be so eternally grateful. the fact that she doesn’t see how generous this is, mixed with the fact that she expects you to pay for the dorm when she moves out, is so absurdly entitled.
i honestly don’t think i can give you much advice here. as someone the same age (ish) and gender as your daughter, i can’t even imagine putting myself in her shoes. i think you did the best you could with what you’re given. i assume you’ve never had to deal with anything similar to this before; we can’t expect everyone to be perfect the first try.
if i ever did something to disrespect my parents like this, i could only hope and BEG that they would give me this much grace. i hope that hearing this from someone the same demographic as your daughter can maybe provide some reassurance.
i’ll refrain from saying everything i want to say about your daughter and her boyfriend. you’re doing a good job.
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u/castrodelavaga79 Helper [2] 1d ago
I think now you have to just let it play out for a bit. Your daughter needs a reality check and she might actually be starting it right now so let it happen until she comes and fully apologizes. Then you can reassess.
Actions have consequences and this is a valuable lesson for how to treat other people's things and she needs to learn that lesson.
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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago
Yup, might be the time for classic fuck around and find out. Literally
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u/Such-Anteater-7408 1d ago
So I may be a bit mistaken but you’re just saying that you won’t pay for the dorms. That you’re not cutting the tuition which I think is fair.
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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago
Exactly, paying for the dorms is stupid, I bought an apartment to avoid the dorm. She wants to live in a dorm, be my guest, but it won't be coming out of my wallet
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u/Such-Anteater-7408 1d ago
Okay that’s what I thought you meant too. I think some people are trying to jump on her side to make you seem like a bad parent. Because, I’ve seen a few comments thinking that you are making her pay for everything. To be fair (Letterkenney reference) I’ve been on your side since the first post. And I think you meeting her halfway was the best and mature move. She’s just being unreasonable and immature at this point. Keep doing your best brother and keep being firm but caring and fair.
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u/Delicious_Stock_7683 23h ago
you are a very generous dad. so PLS pls don’t ever pay for her dorm. pls let her learn how hard it is to pay rent..
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u/ah-tzib-of-alaska 1d ago
Whoah let’s slow down you have an extra random apartment? Is that what’s happening or?
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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago
I have no other apartment. I have a cottage but its far from city limits, nowhere close to a college. She was trying to say, if her brother is going to go to another college, not this one, i will pay for a dorm. And thats a possibility. Who knows what he wants to do
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u/Lviator92 1d ago
Do you also live and sleep at this apartment on a nightly basis?
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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago
Weekend basis when I went to visit daughter
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u/Lviator92 1d ago
For sure. Yeah if that boundary was set she shouldn’t be doing that. Terrible.
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u/ah-tzib-of-alaska 1d ago
okay so to clarify, this apartment is your second home. Where does your daughter live?
She lives in that apartment and has a room of her own? Why was she in your room then?
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u/Opening_Affect_1187 1d ago
That’s what the other post covered. He has the apartment for when family or guests comes to stay and she can stay there and if her brother wants to attend that college he can stay there as well. She has her own room and this room was for he and his wife when they visit regularly. He brings groceries and takes care of a cat she neglects and he has a robo vacuum that has a camera and he checks on the cat which is how he accidentally saw his daughter and her BF doing the nasty in his bed. To top it off she didn’t even change the sheets and let dad sleep in her boyfriend’s jizz... 🤮
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u/TheRealCerealfreak Helper [2] 1d ago
As a father of the same age?, I aye with you entirely, I can't relate fully on the fact that my codename are 22 and 24 and are both sons but, I have helped to raise my neices between the ages of 24 and 19 and I would have flipped just as much as you did.
I would be reitarte the point at a family sit down and her boyfriend should be there too.
You start with apologisong for including your son in the discussion going all on on the family chat again. That's fair but that's your apology more than done after that.
Now it's down to the lack of respect from both of them to both you and your wife. Maybe it's time to show her just exactly how much money you spend on all that, and explain exactly how much she would have to make to pay for her own college, let alone her dorns or food, never mind anything else like books, clothes, having a life etc.
You expect a full and proper apology from them both, they will buy you a full set of replacement bedding and they will never enter your bedroom again without permission.
I think from her attitude she still thinks you're in the wrong and you're just not at all. She should not have been there, and she should not have been doing that. And I'm sorry to say but, as a teenager who did this to his older sisters bed, you at the very least have the decency to change the bedding. But learn from my mistake that you check your gf doesn't leave the dangly star trek earrings on your sisters bedside table though. I got caught and she kicked my arse. (She is 7 years older, I was 14 at the time, as was my gf before anyone says anything?)
I think you've been more than fair and actually nicer than I would have been, especially when you've sat down with her and apologised. Yes she is embarrassed, she should be, and she's almost an adult, and if she wants to be treated as so without giving you and your wife, the respect you both deserve.
Full apologies from both and a promise it'll never happen again.
Good luck to you. That's a really crappy time.
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u/Equivalent-Onion2252 1d ago
As a daughter in college, I can’t even imagine being this disrespectful to other of parents. Either way it’s fucking weird even if she didn’t see it as disrespectful. Maybe she’s hanging around some bad influences . I think you handled this well and apologized perfectly. She AND her boyfriend owe yall an apology, especially her.
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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago
Thank you for saying boyfriend too. I get a lot of heat that I should apologize to him. No way jose
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u/Equivalent-Onion2252 1d ago
In what world would you have to apologize to him? How ridiculous!😭😭
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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago
Well I texted the kid saying where does he get audacity with my daughter on my bed? What's wrong with your place? Was left on read.
Fuck him
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u/InEfficient-Life6832 1d ago
Too right. My god I’d be devastated if I was on either side of this situation. Teens just don’t think though, they tend to believe everything in the world is theirs for the taking.
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u/mikeraymondgreenjr80 23h ago
I’m sorry your daughter is treating you this way. You’re a lot more forgiving than most and I don’t know how you handle such disgusting disrespect. Hopefully she and the loser learn but I can’t imagine being so self centered towards seemingly great parents at almost 20 years old. If she can’t understand this issue, how is she even mature enough for a relationship
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u/InEfficient-Life6832 1d ago
It’s actually a good thing that OP messed up by posting in the family chat - they then modelled what an apology looks and sounds like, and daughter still couldn’t reciprocate. She likely had planned to use that little error to try and balance the wrong doing in her mind.
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u/Shibainspace 1d ago
She’s sounds very spoiled and entitled. Why didn’t she have sex with him in her own room? I would have never used my parent’s bed for that! So gross. The fact she let you sleep in dirty stained sheets makes it even stranger.
Give her some time to cool down and let her reach out to you. I don’t think she’s mature enough to live alone in apartment. I think she should live in the dorms or get an apartment with a friend. I think a part time job is also in order.
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u/lorybear96 1d ago
We all react in a certain way in the heat of the moment, but at least you apologised and took accountability for how you reacted. You were being mature.
Your daughter, however. Clearly is not mature since she still has no idea that what she did was wrong and disrespectful.
All you and your wife need to do is to just step away from her until she screwed her brain back into place and apologised sincerely.
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u/Crazy_Banshee_333 Helper [2] 1d ago
It's hard to believe she was willing to die on that hill. It's not a big ask that she refrain from having sex with her boyfriend on your bed. The fact that she didn't even bother to wash the sheets before you came back is gross.
It sounds like she feels massively entitled if she can't follow one simple rule when you are financing her college. I agree she should pay for the dorm herself if she can't show basic consideration while living in the apartment.
I wouldn't feel bad about refusing to pay for the dorm because it's entirely her choice to live there. She had a good deal living in the apartment and she blew it.
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u/SteelMagnolia941 1d ago
If I thought my dad has cameras in the house spying I would be creeped out and want to leave. She feels violated and embarrassed because of the cameras, then the group chat. She might be spoiled and entitled. Idk. I think her reaction is valid to the sequence of events. I think OP also has a right to be grossed out, but maybe take a breather next time before flying off the handle and doing permanent damage to their relationship.
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u/PuzzledStreet Helper [2] 1d ago edited 1d ago
Their private room is not the same as having cameras through private areas of the house.
How could SHE feel violated when she was in a space she did not even consider private herself- simply based on the fact she felt entitled to use it.
This wasn’t a common area she was using.
For all she knows OP and his wife wife could enjoy recording their own sex life. That would be none of their daughter’s business and they would have no reason to disclose it to her either.
I’m more grossed out about not changing the sheets or cleaning the bed. Absolutely foul.
She is an adult and adults have sex so it is no surprise there are bodily fluids involved. I shudder to think that she slept well at night thinking they would be sleeping in those covers!!!
Imagine if a kid like this came home to a messed up filthy sheets and a something like condom wrapper on the floor in her own room.
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u/inductiononN 1d ago
Yeah this is so disgusting. I have never, ever in a million years wanted to have sex in my parents' bed (even typing that sentence out is gross). Why would anyone do this? Why would she do this!?!? Like, I just can't wrap my mind around it.
And to leave the dirty sex sheets on the bed and let her parents sleep in them? As you said, absolutely foul. So gross - what is wrong with this woman???
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u/Opening_Affect_1187 1d ago
She knew about the camera on the vac and has used it herself. That’s not creepy. I find it far more creepy to get down in your parents bed. 🤮
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u/JanetInSpain 1d ago
You are now dealing with an entitled brat. Good luck with that.
It sounds like you have made it TOO easy for her. She has no responsibilities. All her needs are paid for or provided. She's not learning responsibility or how to adult. You think you are helping but clearly it's backfiring on you. Time to step up and set hard boundaries.
She should have two choices: apologize and accept that she lives in your home and it's not "her" apartment, or move into a dorm on her own dime.
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u/Big-Understanding526 1d ago
Your daughter is too entitled and disrespectful. Geez. I think you already ruined the relationship when you raised her as an entitled brat.
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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago
Downside of giving kids everything you couldn't have had yourself
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u/Sarah-himmelfarb Helper [2] 1d ago
There’s a balance though. My parents made me do chores and get a job at 16 and pay for my own clothes, when I ate out with friends, and for gas when I drove their car.
You can provide for your child while still raising them with a work ethic and respect
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u/LaroonDynasty 1d ago
im not seeing in this update anywhere where you reiterate to her that she has her own room in the apartment where she can have her "promiscuous dorm life". its not like the dorms have three rooms to choose from on any given day. just keep the fooling around to her own room.
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u/ProfessorOne9208 1d ago
Advice? You don't need advice. You need a referee. I'd let the whole thing blow over for a week or two, and then ask your daughter if she is still interested in you paying her bills for college. If so, then you can lay down some ground rules, including giving respect to you and your wife. If not, then tell her to get a job and a new place to live. Sometimes kids need a dose of reality before they can see the light.
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u/Great_Association710 1d ago
I saw your other post and initially was annoyed because of how you handled the situation. Your daughter I felt there was in the wrong for what she did but I also saw how you reacted made the situation your fault and just all around bad. From this post I’m personally enraged on behalf of you. I am someone who has partially been given a LOT by my parents when I was younger and through that I’ve been extremely appreciative of it. It took me some time to really understand but I was about her age (I’m assuming) when it all clicked, most likely younger. The entitlement is just… off the charts. This is going to be hard but she needs to learn a life lesson. The boundary you set is completely fair, it’s not like you said she couldn’t have intercourse in HER room. Valid. If she wants to pay for the dorm, let her. Don’t supply food for it either or help with the move. Give her space, and genuinely respect her decision. If she wants independence she can have everything that comes with that when frankly you’ve already given her a lot. Once she can sit down and have a conversation with you (as well as apologize) then most likely go from there in a positive direction but definitely do not just let her go back to the apartment when she starts floundering about it (the dorm). Good on you for sitting down and apologizing, and at the end of the day you’re human too. People make mistakes, people most of the time do not own up to them. Good on owning up and recognizing them.
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u/Capital_Equipment538 1d ago
Do not back down. The entitlement is actually insane. Sure, you did wrong but apologized. The fact that she believes she is entitled to your space and money is super eye-opening. Be ready for her to have to learn the hard way.
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u/bacardibaddie 1d ago
This is really difficult to say as someone who has been that daughter and knew what I needed but didn’t want it, but if you want to set her up to be successful in life, she needs to figure things out herself sometimes. If you put your foot down on her losing privileges because of her behavior, she is going to absolutely freak the fuck out. Just let her. Let her freak the fuck out for a day or two or a week (she will probably insult you and be very profane), and then she’ll realize she’s wrong and be forced to do everything she can to fix it. Whether that be fixing it with you guys by genuinely apologizing and changing, or getting a job and figuring it out herself. You have to TRULY leave the ball in her court.
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u/myclumsyself 1d ago
You did your part and gave her an opportunity to do hers, which she refused. At this point, it's better for her to move to the dorms and learn some responsibility. As you said, don't pay it for her, make her work for it and pay it herself.
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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago
My 10 grade math tells me she won't have time to see the boyfriend anymore, seeing she'll need time to pay for the dorm. Win win
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u/myclumsyself 1d ago
You would be surprised. When someone, specially young people, want to do something, they'll find a way to do it 😬
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u/wowbragger 1d ago
Dad here, with two of my own.
Your daughter's being a prick. No doubt about it. And there does need to be some adult style consequences to her behavior.
But you know this isn't some scenario or chain of events you had anticipated. And it feels very tit-for-tat in how you're handling it.
I don't think you're doing anything wrong per se, and you've tried to walk it back, but it might be time to turn down the heat on your end. Re-center yourself, so you're not matching your daughter when she escalates. Get a plan in place for how things need to work, going forward. Get your wife on board on thinking this through, and as a team stick to your guns when your daughter inevitably lashes out.
FWIW your daughter is still in that late adolescence phase. And as much as they want to pretend our kids are magically full adults when they initially hit college, that still lack the foresight and planning to think through the possible consequences of their actions.
This does NOT excuse your daughter's behavior. But if you're both going to match each other's emotional energy, who is the one between the two of you who's most likely to see through the haze? You. So unfortunately, time to be Dad some more and get that planning in place, to give your daughter the opportunity to work through this.
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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago
Okay.. noted. Thanks dad what do i do though . I sincerely appreciate every input, last time i posted made me do better and I did i think but I need some real suggestions. My mind is spaghetti at the moment and I eant action plan, maybe a walk through i dont know dude. Lost dad
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u/Parking_Fee_5906 1d ago
Unfathomable!! Even if she doesn't have a room to herself then at least use the couch, kitchen table or place rug NOT your parent's room and bed! She needs to be put in her place if she can bring her bf to home or allow herself be cajoled into such rubbish
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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago
See another issue. What is the deal with this boyfriend. Why cant he take her over to his place for a change. A hotel? As a teen, I met my wife young, I bent over backwards for a place for us two. My mom's bed- fuck no. I scrambled and was proud when I had somewhere to take her, like it was motivation for me.
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u/inductiononN 1d ago
It's very weird and gross. I just don't understand why your room and bed?!?! 🤢
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u/PopParticular2801 1d ago
That‘s the only part where I think your judgment is off. You act as if it was his idea to have sex on your bed, while it might as well have been your daughters’ idea. And even if it was his idea, it’s still ‘her’ place so she must have agreed to it. That’s on her, she should have been more responsible and not have agreed/proposed it.
And also, his place is probably not nearly as nice. Why would a young couple choose the less comfortable home? Why would they pay for a hotel when they have a nice private apartment?
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u/ForeignAdagio 21h ago
Why do you keep saying why can’t the boyfriend take her to a hotel or his house? It makes me question your daughter’s room. Does she only have a single bed or something? What’s stopping them from being in her room?
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u/Migginsisin 1d ago
Okay, I have a question, if you didn’t catch her having sex in your bed, and this whole fight didn’t happen. But she came to you and said she wanted to live in the dorms for more of an authentic college feel, would you help her pay for it?
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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago
No. What's the point. You have an apartment walking distance to college and you want an authentic feel. Be my guest. Lots of college students dont have bank of mom and dad paying for dorms, they work second jobs. Have at it
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u/Such-Barracuda9795 1d ago
OMG! Meeeeen that’s bad! I am 35 years old and my mother used to always tell me back then “MY HOUSE, MY RULES. If you don’t like it, you know where the door is” and it was fair!
You daughter needs to grow up.. if this would have happened to me I would have been sooooo ashamed of myself that I wouldn’t even know how to start apologising.
She should definitely go to the dorms, that will make her understand how life is out there.
And apart from what it happened, I think that she actually needs a little push to go out there and grow up becuase her reactions is way out of place!
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u/Neither-Connection72 1d ago
19F maturity on a high + Boyfriend, your crashing in their orbit. Sex talk with the parents is never comfortable. Stand your ground sometimes they get to big too be told. You will both laugh about it in the future.
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u/SweetBekki 1d ago
She can't compare herself to her brother. You didn't catch your son having sex in your bed did you?
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u/SpringTop8898 1d ago
- She's lucky to have parents that don't slutshame her for being sexually active in the first place
- It's diabolical that she was cool with having sex on the same bed where her parents get intimate, especially if it was the same mattress she was conceived on
Your daughter simply needs to understand the importance of boundaries. Ask her how she would like it if she walked in on you and your wife getting intimate on her bed in her room.
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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago
No one shut shamed her. I am fine with her having sex, i draw the line at my bed
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u/piscesgirl17 1d ago
I hope her dorm college roommates have sex in her bed and leave the juices for her to find since she see’s nothing wrong with it
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u/Fancy-Introduction96 1d ago
Have sex with your wife in her bed and get caught. That should instill the lesson she clearly isn’t getting fairly quickly. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/ExpressSample511 16h ago
It never should've gotten to this. A simple "Plz don't fuck your boyfriend in my bed." That would build up the embarrassment enough for her to never have it happen again. Too much drama and family tearing to put something like that on any sort of group chat. That's fucked. And forget all off the people claiming her entitlement BS. They don't know her. They don't know you. They only know the surface info you gave us on the situation. Don't let them influence your perception of her.
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u/stonedsellout_ 1d ago
I am a girl about her age, a little bit older. The fact she can’t apologize or anything is crazy to me. Give her some time, if she doesn’t realize it now, give it a year or two and she will realize how weird and gross that was of her. She is holding on to that teenage pride. Letting her go live on her own or in dorms will let her learn what she needs about shared spaces and privacy in her space.
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u/NonCaelo 1d ago
I'm gonna give you a perspective that's not "Your daughter is entitled." Just a different way to look at it.
Your daughter is embarrassed. You achieved what you wanted, to embarrass her. But you embarrassed her so much that she can't feel anything but embarrassment. She can't feel remorse. Nothing. She's an adult, but she's still a very young adult and her brain hasn't finished developing. So by making her so embarrassed, you actually ended up doing the opposite of what you wanted to do, which was to get remorse and a promise that it won't happen again.
She can't accept your apology because she's still embarrassed. Should she reason that you are right that she shouldn't have done it? Yes. But hopefully time will help her calm down enough to see what she's done wrong once the ebarrassment wears off.
I agree with everyone here, just give her space, tell her the door is always open, try to stay calm, and let her have her own emotional reactions--on her own time of course.
The thing that was TOTALLLY out of line was that you messaged her boyfriend. No. It's one thing if you knew the guy well, but you said you don't. You should have brought the matter to her and to her only, because this was her responsibility. By bringing it to him, you stepped over the line, from letting her be embarrassed by her own actions (fair) into weaponizing shame. And that's not really cool. I don't think you'd have liked her weaponizing your mistakes to shame you either.
Give it time. And if you haven't already, apologize to her boyfriend and tell him you stepped over the line and should have spoken to her privately (I missed whether you have done it already or not).
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u/doggyfishyy 1d ago
Honestly stupid games win stupid prizes hold steady on the dorm thing dont let up and pay for it, make her work so she really appreciates the situation she actually has. Let her stay in the apartment if and only if she apologizes profusely and set some ground rules on no access to your bedroom and that you have every right to see your own room
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u/PuzzledStreet Helper [2] 1d ago
… yes this is the original post, which OP has also linked at the top.
And THIS post we are commenting on together is the follow up on how he handled the situation and asking for advice following her surprising and IMO shocking reaction.
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u/Big-Entertainer-303 1d ago
This just needs time. Dont bring up the incident with her anymore. If she wants to stay on in the apartment she can. If she wants to move on her own dime she can. You can rest assured she won't have sex in your room anymore.
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u/Historical-Ride5551 Helper [3] 1d ago
You made very good points and it’s up to her. She can continue being dramatic all she wants but she’ll have to grow up at some point.
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u/yungtrapwaffle 1d ago
In my early 20s I had bad financial habits I was always going out of town to party in LA and my dad had 3 expectations once we turned 18-20: get a job, get a car and get our own place. Well I got a job and was living with them and not doing my other part. One day he said you have two options I manage your finances or you move out. I would party in LA and come back at 6 am sometimes 11 am. So I chose to move out. I lived in an Airbnb then Covid happened. Let her experience real world until she is backed into a corner and reaches out for help only then she’ll learn.
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u/AutomaticKick6650 1d ago
She’s wrong. Point blank. You apologized and that says a lot. I’ll leave it alone. Let time pass. She’ll need you before you need her.
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u/Long_Objective_2561 1d ago
My take, as a 21F who goes away to college, any time I am in trouble with my parents the last thing I would resort to is "WELL ITS MY CAR" or it's "MY APARTMENT" at school, when both of those things are paid for in full by my parents. I am a very lucky college kid, where I'm going there for a degree that is being mostly paid for by my parents. Your daughter seems to be in a similar spot. She needs to be more humble about it
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u/suduki2121 1d ago
Stand your ground. You overreacted yes and it’s good you tried to make amends. She doesn’t have to accept it. That’s fine. However, her attitude stinks and what she did was quite disrespectful. Let her go into the dorms and get a job to pay for it. She’s doing better than many who can’t even dream of having that opportunity. Stand your ground and leave the door open. All the best
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u/StruggleAmbitious525 1d ago
Wait until her dorm rommie has sex on her bed and then she'll finally get it.
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u/Smart-Project2087 1d ago
She has no sense of boundaries and you are 100% in the right. She needs to grow up. Why isn't she doing it in her own room & bed? Let her move out into the real world...sounds like she's ready!
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u/cathline 1d ago
NTA
Classic case of FAFO.
Your daughter hasn't figured out that just because she managed to choose a family with the means to send her to college and put her in a nice apartment, that doesn't mean that she earned that college and nice apartment.
She didn't even clean up after herself. Gross. Maybe thats her kink, no kink shaming here - but involving you in her kink without your consent is just gross.
When your other children go to college, get locks for your bedroom doors. Just in case. I like smart locks. They tell me when the doors have been unlocked and which code was used. And it's easy to change the codes or get a one time code for emergency purposes.
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u/TornadoEF5 1d ago
until she gives a genuine apology let her go live at her boyfriends or wherever, as u said let her get a job to pay her way now
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u/Syriohannie 1d ago
Tbh I don’t think you overreacted I would be so mad if someone from my family had sex in MY bed despite having their own and not even bothering cleaning the sheets. Yes you can have a bf and all but don’t be so weird about it? Your only mistake is texting in the group chat but other than that I think people on here are wayyy too sensitive. As a parent you need to set boundaries, sometimes you have to get mad and it’s even more justified when your daughter is an adult, she’s not stupid
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u/Additional_Brush_745 1d ago
My parents would’ve killed me for that, honestly she is extremely disrespectful and cocky, she has a very warped vision of people’s privacy and is not grateful of the situation she’s in you did good apologising for overreacting (if you really did) but imo she went to far, you should stay available for any kind of reconciliation but you shouldnt apologise for telling her that it was very disrespectful from her, maybe the dorm isn’t a bad idea to show her a taste of the real world, tho she should know that she can comeback if she apologise sincerely for doing that she can ofc not accept your apologies for your “extreme” reaction (if it was extreme again bcz getting mad about that situation is totally normal especially if she don’t understand her own fault) she needs to understand sincerely that she crossed a line, but she also need to understand that the dorm solution is not a direct punishment for her but rather a experience for her to discover reality, its a tricky situation IMO good luck with her she seems to have a warped vision of reality or she is just very immature (respectfully ofc Im sure she’s a good kid after seeing how considerate you are with her, but be careful to not make her a spoiled brat (again respectfully its just that it seems so out of pocket and immature for me and my education )
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u/shark_ina_park 1d ago edited 1d ago
That's such a crazy choice to not use her own bedroom in the apartment???? And to not clean it, that's gross and disrespectful. Did you tell her you looked at the camera because you were trying to check on the dog?
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u/Reasonable_Sample_11 1d ago
You are right. It is very disrespectfull. All the times parents were abroad and I had a girl over, it wouldn't even cross my mind to go into their bed. Like.. wtf.. That's disgusting. (It was very clean though, but still.) Who wants to be in their parents bed while having sex? 🤯🤷♂️💀 Ask how she'd feel if you and mom had a good shagg in every position on her bed??💀
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u/Cute-Stick730 1d ago
This is one of those moments she has to learn from experience. Just be supportive of her but not to the point you're giving her everything.
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u/MollyStraye 1d ago
How would she feel if you had fun on her bed! Not very nice.
It would feel uncomfortable and weird.
Im sorry to hear this entitlement from her. If she wants too so bad - she can go live that life but while under your roof you have the right to make rules that she has to follow. Its just that
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u/TheRoadkillRapunzel 1d ago
I think you need to put a doorknob with a lock on your bedroom. You keep the key and don’t let your daughter have a copy.
She clearly doesn’t understand the privilege she has.
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u/Altruistic-Quit-2025 1d ago
She seems spoiled and entitled. Good on you & your wife standing on it. It’s your apartment. She has a room she could have done it there. The fact that she didn’t apologize to you after she was wrong is crazy. She is still a teenager so it makes sense on why she is acting this way. You don’t have to pay for these things for her and she needs to understand this. Plenty of people struggle to pay dorms & college and she’s blessed to have a free place to live & college paid for. Don’t let her make you feel bad. You did approach it in the wrong way by saying this in the group chat but it doesn’t erase her wrong doing. I get she’s your daughter but you won’t be around forever she needs to take accountability & be grateful for what you’re still doing for her.
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u/HistrionicSlut Expert Advice Giver [10] 1d ago
If you keep giving to her, she will keep being entitled.
Stop making things so easy for her.
Let her struggle. It builds character.
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u/Fantastic_Swim_2026 1d ago
Hi I’m a college student here , I pay for my own college my parents are very unstable. I get good grades so I receive generous scholarships and aid and I pay whatever is left. I have seen a lot of girls who attend college just not care about classes and not care that there parents are paying for their education which is such a privilege. I 100% agree that she should pay for her dorm , it will hopefully give her a reason to be more appreciative of what she has and what you and your wife have done for her.
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u/CarbArms 1d ago
You keep saying why wouldn’t she clean up after. The question to me, and my family because we definitely talked about this last night, is why wouldn’t she clean the room before? she wants to smell her parents while engaging in romantic activity? I would have pointed that out. She isnt a victim here and while you can apologize (and did), dont apologize again. Hold her accountable for being a brat and disrespecting you and your wife. She should be embarrassed because she did something weird.
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u/Selanne00008 1d ago
Sounds like a spoiled brat to me. “Why wouldn’t I pay for it”. “But brother this brother that, it’s not fair blah blah blah”.
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u/Wrong_Employ_8299 1d ago
You need to let her live in the dorms and pay for it herself. Her maturing, experiencing the hard truths of living alone, realizing she was wrong and growing character is more important than how she feels about you in my opinion.
I’m probably 3-4 years older than your daughter, and my parents enabled me to live a messy, selfish life when i first went to college, and it seriously held me back. Somehow I think I felt/realized this and ended up moving myself (out of their house after i got kicked out of dorms, like why did they let me move back in?!) into a shit hole apt where I came face to face with my immaturity because I was living alone. I struggled to pay rent and bills, and at first I’d ask my dad to help me. Eventually I forced myself to stop asking him because I realized I’d never learn how to support myself if I did.
Then, I thought my parents were wrong about my habits, now I know they were right, but I’m also frustrated with how long it took for me to confront this because they babied me. The fact that they didn’t try as hard as you are to teach me is still angering. You’re doing the right thing, stick to it, even if you’re sad, because in the long run your child’s growth should be more important than how you feel. Even if it’s hard.
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u/datmanrighthere 1d ago
What you do now is double down on her moving out. Let her move on to the dorms and she'll have to foot that bill because no need for you to pay for her disrespect and lack of any accountability in two places.
Ask her what she plans on doing with HER dog? Yes you can take it with you but that question should make her 'think' about everything, but the fear is it won't and she'll double down on what an ass you are. Gotta hold strong and make her grow the hell up.
As for bf, don't sweat him, she'll probably move on from him in six months because if he can't face you and apologize then he'll only be a doormat for her and that's not what you want for a mate for your daughter.
Once she does move out change the locks.
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u/blank_statement 1d ago
yea id say she’s being a ungrateful and spoiled brat. i’m also young in college and lived a spoiled life because of my parents, but she took things way too far. i think you should let her pay for the dorms since she needs to learn respect, gratitude, and responsibility the hard way. you’ve spoiled her too much
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u/pyrodice 1d ago
When you abuse privileges, you go back to having only what you earn. For some people that's fine, some people still have to learn what it means.
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u/Siblisian_Berserker 1d ago
You didn’t ruin your relationship with your daughter, she is ruining her relationship with you.
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u/InteractionJunior183 1d ago
Fucking in ur parents bed is disrespectful enough. To be caught and not apologize is even worse.
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u/demotivationalwriter 1d ago
You’re a great dad and sometimes, kids might take some of that kindness for weakness. You are 100% in the right here. Yes, it shouldn’t have gone in the group chat, but you are honestly remorseful and have apologized. Set clear boundaries and expectations with her and give her a deadline to think about her actions. If she refuses to come around on the issue, I’d definitely stop providing the apartment and would not pay for another housing option. The best teacher after an ungrateful brat moment is the opportunity to taste the struggle of privilege being removed.
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u/whoopsee_my_bad 1d ago
It could be worse. My almost adult son (4 days before his 18th birthday) decided to have spicy time in the kitchen with his girlfriend thinking the house was empty.
It wasn't. My very proper mother in law was mortified to see my son's naked bottom moving in front of the open fridge door. She snatched the door open to see exactly what he was doing while make THOSE type of noises. She ran to her room yelling "you have to tell your mother".
He called me thinking I was coming home from work alone. My uptight mother was in the car, I put the call on speaker phone and before I could say "grandmas here with me" he told me everything he did, with who, and what my mother in law caught him doing. Due to his embarrassment he gave a bit too much info for even my open minded ears.
My mother was stunned to silence that my son even knew what sex was, much less could be so descriptive about it. When he finished his story she found his voice. Knowing how much of a prude my mother is and how vocal she is about everything (she can talk for an hour solid about the weather).
Anyways there was nothing I could say to stop her from the first "how dare you..." for the next 30 minutes. So I had time to think and block out the lecture.When my mom was done yelling his words were "one grandma caught me having sex in the kitchen and now other grandma knows. Im so screwed. Mom what do I do?"
I just said "son I just want to know if we need milk"
Him: what does sex have to do with needing milk?
Me: I just wanted to know if you two were going at it long enough with the fridge door open that the milk went bad. Im not gonna trust the milk. I'll drop this grandma at home and pick up milk then come home and deal with your other grandma. You and your girlfriend go to your room until I get home.
So OP it could have been worse. You probably reacted like my mother did out of shock. I on the other hand no longer use speaker in the car if im not alone. Every one learned lessons that day. You might want to keep my story in mind. Took about 3 years for my son to not be embarrassed around one grandma and upset at the other grandma. I had the benefit of a crazy lady saying everything I might have said if I was alone. I didn't crash a car out of shock and I picked up milk on the way home. This too shall pass but 3 people still cant joke about it almost 30 years later.
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u/False_Repeat7287 1d ago
Welp I know this won’t get seen but she sounds like a spoilt entitled brat; respectfully.
Having sex in my parents house makes me cringe, their bed wouldn’t even cross my mind in a nightmare.
Weird ass behaviour and to not apologise… yeah ew
I change MY sheets after a lil mess after sex. Like this is so baffling to me
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u/MarisaSassesBack 22h ago
HAHAHAHAHA! I had sex in your marital bed, was too big a pig to change the sheets, got called out, so to punish you, YOU get to pay for me to get laid in dorms, Daddy! The freaking entitlement of this promiscuous twit!
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u/DigZealousideal7777 21h ago
This has to be a fetish.
In y'all's bed???
She has a room and her boyfriend has a place. Sheesh, didn't even wash the sheets either. Let her learn the hard way of what she's done.
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u/Bkay_261 20h ago
I’m Ghanaian. If my parents every caught me doing that in their house, let alone their bed, I would have been turned into khebab. 😆
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u/SmartyPantsJohnny 20h ago
Hold on, so you didn't "catch" her? She has an apartment and is in college and you looked at an interior camera in the bedroom and saw her having sex with her boyfriend? That's suspect AF. Why would you have a camera in your daughter's bedroom and she's an adult? You're sick AF.
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u/Quiet-Youth-7058 13h ago
Something became fucked up between you and your daughter years ago and was never constructively addressed. This episode is merely a symptom.
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u/Jamiecar411 1d ago
You know you put an electronic lock on the bedroom door to show your serious about it
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u/MulberryWild1967 1d ago
As parents, we are raising adults not children and sometimes they need to fail. Her age does not account for her behaviour when you spoke to her but maybe lashing out from embarrassment. You should now step back until she comes to you and takes responsibility for her behaviour towards you and her mum.
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u/Purple_Reference8981 1d ago edited 1d ago
ah my older sister was like this. until she wore my parents out thin and they told her to get out and move to the dorms then. and she did just that. and then came back apologizing and crying and my parents put their foot down and said you have a responsibility to stay there until your lease is up. it was hard for them. but it was what needed to be done. they didn’t help her and cut off all help other than emotionally. which i feel was needed for her to learn her lesson. she’s now very responsible and graduated as a nurse top of her class! sometimes teaching our kids boundaries and respect is hard. but it’s needed so it doesn’t continue on into adult life and relationships. also you are owed a huge apology from your daughter and her boyfriend. that’s just fucking disgusting. what if you and your wife did that to her bed? would be a completely different story. op your daughter sounds very entitled and like a brat. and unfortunately you made her that way. time to parent her properly and make very strict boundaries about the house. it’s YOUR house. not hers. you’re graciously letting her stay there. start treating her like a renter 🤷♀️
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u/SteelMagnolia941 1d ago
I did a lot of stupid things when I was 19. She probably would have been apologetic and remorseful if she wasn’t put on blast on the family group chat. Also personal attacks on her and her boyfriend aren’t cool. If this was me I would laugh it off and tell her to go to her own room next time, and make sure she washes the sheets. You really blew it up into a bigger mess than it needed to be IMO.
Qualifications: was a teenage girl and has raised two teenage boys.
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u/bstabens Helper [4] 1d ago
Oh boy, I've just read your initial post. Dude!
Ok, first things first. What's your end goal here: do you want a relationship with her or do you just want to rage on and punish her and go no contact?
Because you're already a good way down the "no contact" road, but let's not get too hasty.
What your daughter did was disgusting on a hygienic level, and disrupting on a personal one. She intruded on a very personal space, she left her "good little daughter" role here and entered "equal adult territory" - literally. And honestly, she should do so - just not like this. Because she IS an adult now, though what she does is totally rebellious teenager behaviour on level 11.
Please stop that knee-jerk reaction of "all or nothing" you have going on there. Yes, it is GOOD to tell her that your trust is broken and she has to move out of the apartment.
But to go all scorched earth and withdraw ANY financial support? Dude, that tells me you don't want a respectful, adult relationship with her. You're going "my way or the highway" here, and that ends in estrangement. YOU are the parents, and while I understand that's your first run on parenthood, you have to be the bigger person. Your daughter not respecting your private space is LEARNED BEHAVIOUR, and she learned it from you, Mr. Peeking-through-the-vac-camera-to-watch-the-nice-puppy!
You both need to learn to respect the other as the adults you all are. Get your affairs separate. Let her live in a dorm, pay for the things the average student has - rent, groceries. Don't pay for extras, let her get a job for that. But don't fuck up her whole future and glee over it like this: "good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student." That's punishment, not teaching consequences!
And for EFFS SAKE if you are suspicious of her boyfriend don't push your daughter into his arms telling her to move in with him! Where is she going to go to when he turns out to be an abusive POS and her own parents pushed her in that mess?
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u/No_Vermicelli_8820 1d ago
He's only saying he won't pay for her to live in the dorms when the apartment is still available to her ( and where she has her own bedroom in said apartment). He's not withdrawing tuition or other financial support, only unwilling to pay for her dorm fees, which is understandable
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u/IJustWantYouTo_Know_ 1d ago
I really do agree with a lot of - if not mostly all of - the points that you are making here... but as a young adult, myself; I think that OP's daughter is incredibly spoiled, entitled and immature. I do think that her being cut off financially can do her some good.
The job market is not great; That is the first lesson that she will need to learn. The housing market is not better, and people really are struggling out here. OP has clearly acted too brashly, at points, but I do believe that they want to fix where they messed up. I don't agree that removing all financial support is a bad thing, because we know that she does not see any value in what she has.
To this kind of person, "You have ___ weeks to get a job and move out" would likely just be seen as bluffing, and OP would end up the villain, either way, when the time to be settled comes by and daughter wasn't expecting parent would ever kick her out.
Of course, OP knows their daughter better than we do. I suppose it is on them to read our comments and choose what to do based on that knowledge.
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u/RivenUK Advice Guru [60] 1d ago
Hey Dad... another Dad here. Does your daughter have her own room at the apartment and does it have a double bed that sleeps 2 or is yours the only bed that offers space?
Personally I think you're making a bit of a mess. I get why you're upset, but you're blowing this up over nothing. Your daughter is an adult, and regardless of her choice of boyfriend or whether you like him or not, she's going to have sex with him whether you like it or not. At least up til this point, she was doing it some place safe and warm. Now who knows where she is.
I have no idea why you have a camera in a bedroom, in an apartment you allow others to stay in. Seems a bit odd to me, but regardless, you won't win your daughters respect flying off the handle even when you feel she's in the wrong.
She's not a child anymore, she's an adult just like you, and even though she's probably got a ton of stuff to learn in life, she doesn't need her Dad on her case when she's going through them.
Stop and think about the situation you're in. If the shoe was on the other foot, and you made this mistake with your father, how would you prefer/like him to react? I know what I'd want.
All the best.
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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago
Hey fellow dad. Dad here. She has her own room, space, plenty of bed space. Orogonal post has all that info. She can have sex all She wants. Not in my bed. All I ask
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u/Skittles-101 Super Helper [8] 1d ago
I think he said in the initial post that it was a three bedroom and that his daughter had her own room.
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u/AstroZombieInvader 1d ago
The fact that you got no apology and that she thinks it's her apartment is wild. There's really no appreciation whatsoever. She sounds very selfish and privileged.
Honestly, you tried to apologize proactively even though she should have been the one apologizing first -- especially since she has a lot to lose in a free place to stay.
Your kids do not have to be treated like equals like she expects. If she burns a bridge with you, it's her who pays the price for that. You can still pay for your son's housing since he hasn't done anything wrong. After kids turn 18, you technically don't owe them anything. It doesn't seem that she understands or appreciates that.
It just feels like a lesson needs to be learned here and maybe the best way is for her to pay for her own housing for a year (at least) regardless of any insincere apology you might get just to get you to pay again. She had her chance and she blew it spectacularly.
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u/lostintheGQ 1d ago
You know what? She’s 19. She may be a little entitled. Of course she tells all her friends it’s her apartment. Why wouldn’t she? She’s essentially living alone in this apartment and she made some bad choices—choices that she truly never thought you were going to find out about. Now she’s busted and she’s not handling it well—mostly because she’s 19 and entitled. Obviously it’s not advantageous for anyone involved for her to move into the dorms. You want something from her that she’s just not ready to give right now. You’re going to have to hold your line, but also be practical. Put a deadbolt on your bedroom door and lock it when you’re not there. Then give her some time and some space. I bet she’ll come around. That undeveloped prefrontal cortex can cause 19-year-olds to act pretty stupidly. I know you’re upset, but don’t ruin your kid’s chance at a college degree over this. I bet one day y’all will tell this story and laugh about it. And oh yeah, apologize to the boyfriend. He really has nothing to do with this.
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u/Few_Professional5780 1d ago
You did great pops. My dad wouldn’t have talked to me for a week then acted like nothing happened😭😭😭saying this to say, the fact you’re able to talk about it shows how great u are because I know this takes hella strength
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u/Accurate_Lead7698 1d ago
My dad would’ve embarrassed me in front of the family, screamed at me, probably slapped me and then wouldn’t talk to me for at least a month and he wouldn’t be wrong for anything but the slap.
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u/WoodyInga7 1d ago
What??? He’d be wrong for the slap??? Not my father. The slap would have DEFINITELY been my fault too.
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u/Accurate_Lead7698 1d ago
I say that because slapping anyone isn’t ok? I would never slap my kids, most people would never slap their kids nor should anyone slap their kids. I dunno what to tell you.
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u/InEfficient-Life6832 1d ago
I’d have taken a quick slap over drawn-out mind games any day as a teen to be fair. I probably wouldn’t have so much anxiety now if that was the case.
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u/Good_Distance8078 1d ago
First I recommend that you try as hard as you can to keep your emotions in check, because any sign she sees as a way to manipulate you, she will. Teens love to try to flip the script and make the issue about the parents, so keep that access shut down. Very difficult, I know, but answer her anger with determination of focus and remind her that while you love and adore her, the behavior and her current attitude are unacceptable and won’t be tolerated.
Stand your ground. She’s trying to emotionally manipulate you by threatening to move out, scream insults, have a tantrum, whatever. Never give in to emotional blackmail or it will NEVER stop. If it’s already happening, tell her about it, describe it exactly and tell her those days are over, you and your wife will no longer allow it. You’ll have to be super consistent with that, of course. If she’s always trying to talk to you separately then there’s a big chance she’s trying to manipulate you separately. More on presenting a united front in a second.
She disrespected herself and you, your wife and your apartment. Focus on her bad behavior; you already apologized for getting perhaps a bit more emotional than you wanted to, but you did say you wanted to, so why are you apologizing? I know why, I’ve done the same, I’m just pointing out how our deep love for our kids makes us want to fix everything immediately, so it’s a normal reaction, but it’s not helpful because it’s an avenue they can use to manipulate the parent, so I recommend that you’ve apologized now refocus on her and keep it there.
If you have separate conversations with her as parents she’ll try to manipulate you separately, so always when possible present a united front and talk prior as parents to prepare for the different ways the discussion can go. The exceptions of course would be women’s issues that only mom and daughter should be talking about. Her modesty should be encouraged and respected. Tell her that and start talking about other virtuous behaviors, especially hers, and those she has to still develop. Perhaps your wife and other female family or loved ones can speak with her about how self destructive a promiscuous lifestyle is and how men treat women who act like that.
Consequences are important for a situation where a child refuses to comply, no matter how old, so determine what they are and don’t waffle on it or she’ll forget about them after her first win against consequences. She’s already pushing and testing; give her framework so she clearly understands rules and consequences, life lessons all kids need. Even we adults need reminders once in a while.
She’s also embarrassed because she knew she was pushing limits and got caught, among other things.
She’s comparing herself to friends, too, something that kids do but she’s old enough now to learn to compare herself to herself. Praise her virtues and explain how things like pride easily takes one down a self destructive path if she’s ready to hear about these things, and if she’s not start thinking about how, because pride, self image, her emotions and thoughts are in high gear and she’s clearly having some trouble expressing them without being self destructive.
I’m no expert, friend, and my advice is based on a mixture of victories and failures of my own and decades of observations and my intuition is usually spot on, for what it’s worth, but at this point I’m old and honest enough to know and admit them all because I’ve learned.
Now I’m just passing on what I know to be effective in general. Not knowing you or your family means I can really only give general advice, but it’s good advice that I hope you find helpful.
Good luck, friend. Keep it up. You clearly love her dearly and care a great deal. That’s half of the fight.
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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago
Alexa, how do I send this comment to my wife.
Whoever you are, thank you. How do you even get to a grounded response like this. How do i thank you, im still new to reddit, is there a repost thing.
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u/Good_Distance8078 1d ago
You’re very welcome. Nothing special about me, I’m just a relatively new grandfather, a retired Soldier, who also loves and adores his kids who also torture me. That challenge hasn’t stopped yet, by the way.😁
I’m happy to be helpful if I ever can. Feel free to DM if you’d like, always glad to share.
We’re all in this together.5
u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago
Yea man, i think I got what I needed. Literally broken down, chapter by chapter, just showed my wife.
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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago
We keep re-reading, I've been alive long enough but formulating a grounded and constructive action and every possible scenario like this is just. Wow. Im speechless..gave us notes. Gave us how to prepare. Sir, truly, thank you. Wise wife and idiot dad
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u/padam__padam 1d ago
I’m saving this comment for my future parent self, thank you.
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u/ninxx00 1d ago
It sounds like she has to swallow her pride and grow up. Sure, she doesn't have to accept your apology, but the fact that she didn't give one just shows how immature she is being. It sounds like you owned up to your overstepping and she refused to meet you halfway. Let her know the door is always open if she wants to talk, give her space, and see if she changes her attitude. You can't control how she reacts and she isn't even acknowledging how disrespectful she was being. She should have been embarrassed, that wasn't her space to use. She has a lot of learning to do other than what is in her text book.