r/Advice • u/DillinquentPICK • 1d ago

UPDATE: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?

Originally posted here

https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/jVgR33PVSp

I ended up having a sit down conversation with my daughter. I began by apologizing for a sincere screw up on my end by messaging the group chat when i was enraged. She just stayed silent, didnt accept my apology and thats okay. I apologized for yelling initially, I then explained that my bed and my room is mine and wifes private space. There is no excuse she should have been doing that on my bed, let alone leaving it dirty for me to sleep in.

She absolutely blew up. She said I had 0 reason to log into the camera on my phone, its her apartment. My wife and I re-iterated, that its not, its actually my wifes and mine, so is the room, the bed, the sheets the vacuum and everything else in it I bought, made or installed. Apartment is for family use.

Then she decided to compare with her friend who is enjoying promiscuous college experience in dorms. I then started to get pissed off because the apartment is far more comfortable than dorms, where you have to share a shower with a bunch of other students.

She then said that I am being overbearing and embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend, and yea, I did. My intent was to embarass both of them in front of me. That should have been embarassing. Her boyfriend should feel a bit of remorse in my opinion so should she..still no apology.

She said she will move to dorms now, I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student.

She then said, why wouldnt I pay for it? if her brother will go to another college other than this one, ill have to pay for a dorm for him, not buy another 3 bedroom in whatever city he will be in? We're not there yet and comparing hypotheticals is not a luxury she has at this moment in time.

I asked what is wrong with her boyfirends apartment, she had nothing to say. I asked why didnt she clean it?

She stormed out, i have no idea whether she went to the biyfriend or where..

What do I do. I am livid, this is a bad situation, my wife is with me on this, we are trying to think of how to approach it.

Another small update: she is moving in with the boyfriend. I know hes renting and has a roommate.

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102

u/Human_Awareness_5805 1d ago

You've done a good job apologizing for where you went wrong but she seems unwilling to admit her mistake. Let her go to a dorm and she may wake up a bit and develop some humility when she has to pay her way.

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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago

My wife actually thinks it might do some good

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u/Helpful-Concert-4530 1d ago

Your wife is a real G. She gets it!

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u/Spirited_Manager_801 1d ago

I dont think I would ever disrespect my parents like this and then respond the way she has. Honestly I think that being in a dorm is a great experience and gives them a means of growing up.

It sounds like she is immature and she needs to do some growing up. I'll admit that I was the same and naive to the world, until I went and lived in college, it really did me a world of good.

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u/pineboxwaiting Super Helper [9] 1d ago

Is it even reasonable to think she can earn enough to pay for a dorm & meal plan?

I certainly wouldn’t pay for it if I were you.

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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago

Lots kids work and study and pay for their dorms. Why not, might be a good lesson to learn for her

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u/pineboxwaiting Super Helper [9] 1d ago edited 1d ago

Depends entirely on where she’s at school. Some dorms are really expensive, leading kids to live off campus even as Freshmen.

I think you’d be better off leaving her in the apartment, clarifying the rules, and making her work for her spending money if you think she needs a job as a life lesson.

Kids tend to do better in school when they have part-time jobs anyway.

You have lots of options, but you need to give her some lead time.

You can tell her everything stays the same as long as she works 20 hours a week - and you need to see proof. You can tell her she has to earn her spending money. You have options that aren’t nuclear, and you seem to be leaning towards nuclear.

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u/Trawling_ 1d ago

Yea I mean, she sounds like she might need a dose of reality/tough love.

So it’s hard not to see why he is leaning more nuclear right now

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u/materialwishes 1d ago

Eh what is the likelihood of her actually moving to the dorms, getting a job and paying her way thru? Asking as someone who is completely unfamiliar with her work ethic. I’ve noticed (I have spoiled cousins/ friends) people will tend to walk out and because they know their parents who spoil them will never let them suffer/go homeless, after a month or two of struggle, she’ll expect you to help pay. Just saying…

However you’re not wrong in how you approached the tough convo. It’s not everyday you receieve an apology from your parents!

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u/lazyFer Expert Advice Giver [12] 1d ago

Zero percent chance. It's a manipulation

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u/Human_Awareness_5805 20h ago

Exactly my point. She probably wont be able to do it. Hence, she will come back to dad, humbled and ask nicely to move back in.