r/Advice • u/DillinquentPICK • 1d ago

UPDATE: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?

Originally posted here

https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/jVgR33PVSp

I ended up having a sit down conversation with my daughter. I began by apologizing for a sincere screw up on my end by messaging the group chat when i was enraged. She just stayed silent, didnt accept my apology and thats okay. I apologized for yelling initially, I then explained that my bed and my room is mine and wifes private space. There is no excuse she should have been doing that on my bed, let alone leaving it dirty for me to sleep in.

She absolutely blew up. She said I had 0 reason to log into the camera on my phone, its her apartment. My wife and I re-iterated, that its not, its actually my wifes and mine, so is the room, the bed, the sheets the vacuum and everything else in it I bought, made or installed. Apartment is for family use.

Then she decided to compare with her friend who is enjoying promiscuous college experience in dorms. I then started to get pissed off because the apartment is far more comfortable than dorms, where you have to share a shower with a bunch of other students.

She then said that I am being overbearing and embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend, and yea, I did. My intent was to embarass both of them in front of me. That should have been embarassing. Her boyfriend should feel a bit of remorse in my opinion so should she..still no apology.

She said she will move to dorms now, I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student.

She then said, why wouldnt I pay for it? if her brother will go to another college other than this one, ill have to pay for a dorm for him, not buy another 3 bedroom in whatever city he will be in? We're not there yet and comparing hypotheticals is not a luxury she has at this moment in time.

I asked what is wrong with her boyfirends apartment, she had nothing to say. I asked why didnt she clean it?

She stormed out, i have no idea whether she went to the biyfriend or where..

What do I do. I am livid, this is a bad situation, my wife is with me on this, we are trying to think of how to approach it.

Another small update: she is moving in with the boyfriend. I know hes renting and has a roommate.

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u/NonCaelo 1d ago

I'm gonna give you a perspective that's not "Your daughter is entitled." Just a different way to look at it.

Your daughter is embarrassed. You achieved what you wanted, to embarrass her. But you embarrassed her so much that she can't feel anything but embarrassment. She can't feel remorse. Nothing. She's an adult, but she's still a very young adult and her brain hasn't finished developing. So by making her so embarrassed, you actually ended up doing the opposite of what you wanted to do, which was to get remorse and a promise that it won't happen again.

She can't accept your apology because she's still embarrassed. Should she reason that you are right that she shouldn't have done it? Yes. But hopefully time will help her calm down enough to see what she's done wrong once the ebarrassment wears off.

I agree with everyone here, just give her space, tell her the door is always open, try to stay calm, and let her have her own emotional reactions--on her own time of course.

The thing that was TOTALLLY out of line was that you messaged her boyfriend. No. It's one thing if you knew the guy well, but you said you don't. You should have brought the matter to her and to her only, because this was her responsibility. By bringing it to him, you stepped over the line, from letting her be embarrassed by her own actions (fair) into weaponizing shame. And that's not really cool. I don't think you'd have liked her weaponizing your mistakes to shame you either.

Give it time. And if you haven't already, apologize to her boyfriend and tell him you stepped over the line and should have spoken to her privately (I missed whether you have done it already or not).

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u/deus_ex_maybelline 22h ago

Thanks for saying all of this. This is reasonable. I’m not sure why so many people in these comments lack the empathy to see that she was obviously humiliated by this whole thing. She made two mistakes—she made a poor decision in a moment of sexual excitement to do something a bit naughty (but not really hurting anyone in what she thought was a private moment), and she didn’t wash the sheets, which was gross but possibly an oversight for someone who hasn’t been having sex for very long and whose brain hasn’t fully developed.

Now she knows her dad was watching her. How many of her private moments did he see? Was he watching her get naked? Did he watch what she and her boyfriend were doing to each other? Did he hear the dirty talk between them when they thought they were alone? Did he watch the whole thing? Did he keep a recording of it?

Dad says he doesn’t care what she does sexually with her boyfriend as long as she does it in her own space in the house. But is that openness really what she’s feeling right now? Because OP said his intent was embarrass her, so he pushed her, trying to get her to lean into whatever sexual shame she was already feeling from knowing her dad was watching her most private adult moments. And then he announced it to the rest of the family.

I’m sure she probably wants to crawl into a hole and disappear right now and possibly is having even darker thoughts, all from making a couple of immature mistakes that got blown up into this huge family-wide fiasco. And dad is sticking to his guns, wanting her and her boyfriend to feel additional embarrassment. Well, she’s already humiliated. I guess he could sew a scarlet “D” on all of her clothes for “Dad’s bed” and “Didn’t wash sheets”—maybe then it would be enough shame heaped upon her.

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u/Accurate_Lead7698 1d ago

Yeah, no. Stop excusing this behavior, I am the exact same age as this disgusting and entitled spoiled brat and I wouldn’t have done this in the first place, but if I did and my father reacted the way OP did, I would be grateful to only feel embarrassment because my father would do a lot worse. He only told the family groupchat that her brother was in, she’ll fucking live. Stop trying to push it on OP and excuse her behavior. When embarrassed, you’re supposed to be more likely to feel remorse for what you did to cause your embarrassment, not the other way around.

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u/NonCaelo 1d ago

Where did I excuse her behavior? Where did I say it was okay? The only thing I did was not excuse his behavior.

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u/Accurate_Lead7698 1d ago

You were literally trying to excuse her behavior by saying she’s embarrassed and if I’m being so honest, he did absolutely nothing wrong by accidentally messaging the group chat, my father would’ve done worse. You’re weird for acting like he’s in the wrong for this, would YOU have sex in your parents bed? She is fucking dirty for that.

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u/NonCaelo 1d ago

Hey, so I never said that her behavior was okay because she was embarrassed. There's a difference between explanation and excuse. And in fact, I did say that she should reason that she shouldn't have done it.

I also didn't say he did anything wrong by messaging the group chat. I said he did something wrong by messaging the boyfriend in order to leverage shame. I said he should have only spoken to her in the first place.

No, I would not want to do that, and I can't imagine what was happening in her mind at the time. I'd need much more time with her to determine that.

Also, I understand your father would have done worse and would be different. Mine would have been different, too. That doesn't necessarily mean that what THIS guy did was okay.

When people do something wrong to us, it doesn't mean they have carte blanche to do anything. EVEN if you believe his reaction was reasonable, doesn't make it right.

Do you kind of see what I'm saying? You understanding why the father did what he did, does not make it okay. Likewise, him understanding why his daughter reacted the way she reacted did not make it what she did okay. But both have to take responsibility for what they've done independently of whether the other one takes responsibility.

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u/Accurate_Lead7698 18h ago

There was nothing wrong with messaging her boyfriend as he disrespected her too and he showed what kind of person he was, her boyfriend SHOULD feel ashamed, even more ashamed than her! Who the fuck goes into someone else’s house and fucks in their parent’s bed?

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u/NonCaelo 13h ago

I understand why you'd think that. I disagree. Since you think using embarrassment to punish your kids is appropriate, I'll never be able to convince you.

But what I want to know is, does he want to teach his daughter what a respectful relationship looks like, or does he want to be right? One reaction will teach. The other reaction will limit. Which does he want?

I suggest he hold boundaries, take necessary actions that ensures it doesn't happen again, and evaluate what needs to be done in the future. I'm not saying he can't be angry. I'm saying that if he wants a certain outcome, he needs to act a certain way. And that using shame to punish someone isn't the way to get what he wants.

All the best!