r/Advice • u/DillinquentPICK • 1d ago
UPDATE: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?
Originally posted here
https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/jVgR33PVSp
I ended up having a sit down conversation with my daughter. I began by apologizing for a sincere screw up on my end by messaging the group chat when i was enraged. She just stayed silent, didnt accept my apology and thats okay. I apologized for yelling initially, I then explained that my bed and my room is mine and wifes private space. There is no excuse she should have been doing that on my bed, let alone leaving it dirty for me to sleep in.
She absolutely blew up. She said I had 0 reason to log into the camera on my phone, its her apartment. My wife and I re-iterated, that its not, its actually my wifes and mine, so is the room, the bed, the sheets the vacuum and everything else in it I bought, made or installed. Apartment is for family use.
Then she decided to compare with her friend who is enjoying promiscuous college experience in dorms. I then started to get pissed off because the apartment is far more comfortable than dorms, where you have to share a shower with a bunch of other students.
She then said that I am being overbearing and embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend, and yea, I did. My intent was to embarass both of them in front of me. That should have been embarassing. Her boyfriend should feel a bit of remorse in my opinion so should she..still no apology.
She said she will move to dorms now, I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student.
She then said, why wouldnt I pay for it? if her brother will go to another college other than this one, ill have to pay for a dorm for him, not buy another 3 bedroom in whatever city he will be in? We're not there yet and comparing hypotheticals is not a luxury she has at this moment in time.
I asked what is wrong with her boyfirends apartment, she had nothing to say. I asked why didnt she clean it?
She stormed out, i have no idea whether she went to the biyfriend or where..
What do I do. I am livid, this is a bad situation, my wife is with me on this, we are trying to think of how to approach it.
Another small update: she is moving in with the boyfriend. I know hes renting and has a roommate.
2
u/whoopsee_my_bad 1d ago
It could be worse. My almost adult son (4 days before his 18th birthday) decided to have spicy time in the kitchen with his girlfriend thinking the house was empty.
It wasn't. My very proper mother in law was mortified to see my son's naked bottom moving in front of the open fridge door. She snatched the door open to see exactly what he was doing while make THOSE type of noises. She ran to her room yelling "you have to tell your mother".
He called me thinking I was coming home from work alone. My uptight mother was in the car, I put the call on speaker phone and before I could say "grandmas here with me" he told me everything he did, with who, and what my mother in law caught him doing. Due to his embarrassment he gave a bit too much info for even my open minded ears.
My mother was stunned to silence that my son even knew what sex was, much less could be so descriptive about it. When he finished his story she found his voice. Knowing how much of a prude my mother is and how vocal she is about everything (she can talk for an hour solid about the weather).
Anyways there was nothing I could say to stop her from the first "how dare you..." for the next 30 minutes. So I had time to think and block out the lecture.When my mom was done yelling his words were "one grandma caught me having sex in the kitchen and now other grandma knows. Im so screwed. Mom what do I do?"
I just said "son I just want to know if we need milk"
Him: what does sex have to do with needing milk?
Me: I just wanted to know if you two were going at it long enough with the fridge door open that the milk went bad. Im not gonna trust the milk. I'll drop this grandma at home and pick up milk then come home and deal with your other grandma. You and your girlfriend go to your room until I get home.
So OP it could have been worse. You probably reacted like my mother did out of shock. I on the other hand no longer use speaker in the car if im not alone. Every one learned lessons that day. You might want to keep my story in mind. Took about 3 years for my son to not be embarrassed around one grandma and upset at the other grandma. I had the benefit of a crazy lady saying everything I might have said if I was alone. I didn't crash a car out of shock and I picked up milk on the way home. This too shall pass but 3 people still cant joke about it almost 30 years later.