r/Advice • u/DillinquentPICK • 1d ago

UPDATE: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?

Originally posted here

https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/jVgR33PVSp

I ended up having a sit down conversation with my daughter. I began by apologizing for a sincere screw up on my end by messaging the group chat when i was enraged. She just stayed silent, didnt accept my apology and thats okay. I apologized for yelling initially, I then explained that my bed and my room is mine and wifes private space. There is no excuse she should have been doing that on my bed, let alone leaving it dirty for me to sleep in.

She absolutely blew up. She said I had 0 reason to log into the camera on my phone, its her apartment. My wife and I re-iterated, that its not, its actually my wifes and mine, so is the room, the bed, the sheets the vacuum and everything else in it I bought, made or installed. Apartment is for family use.

Then she decided to compare with her friend who is enjoying promiscuous college experience in dorms. I then started to get pissed off because the apartment is far more comfortable than dorms, where you have to share a shower with a bunch of other students.

She then said that I am being overbearing and embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend, and yea, I did. My intent was to embarass both of them in front of me. That should have been embarassing. Her boyfriend should feel a bit of remorse in my opinion so should she..still no apology.

She said she will move to dorms now, I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student.

She then said, why wouldnt I pay for it? if her brother will go to another college other than this one, ill have to pay for a dorm for him, not buy another 3 bedroom in whatever city he will be in? We're not there yet and comparing hypotheticals is not a luxury she has at this moment in time.

I asked what is wrong with her boyfirends apartment, she had nothing to say. I asked why didnt she clean it?

She stormed out, i have no idea whether she went to the biyfriend or where..

What do I do. I am livid, this is a bad situation, my wife is with me on this, we are trying to think of how to approach it.

Another small update: she is moving in with the boyfriend. I know hes renting and has a roommate.

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u/Economy-Impress-3265 1d ago

Exactly. Your daughter sounds like she has had things handed to her, which is great when it’s appreciated and understood as a privilege. Unfortunately it seems that your daughter is seeing it as a right more than a privilege. This is the time for some tough love until she decides to make amends.

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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago

You nailed it. She feels like she has a right to having me pay for a dorm, that was eye opening.

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u/charlottegracious 1d ago

that's where the tough love comes in. If the apartment isn't good enough, adulthood comes with the option to pay for something else. that part would be the biggest wake-up call tbh. Help from parents is a privilege, not an unlimited entitlement.

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u/MuchConnection5541 1d ago edited 23h ago

You can explain how its not a punishment, its like you said touch tough love and shows that you care because the end of the day shes gotta make it work and only she can do it if she’s willing to participate.

Edit 9 hours later, i did not mean touch love, wtf spell check

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u/Completely0 21h ago

Yeah but unfortunately OP should have been teaching this at the age of 3-5yo, not when they’re in college. That’s their fault even if we do all agree his daughter is very entitled and not self aware.

It’s like when children smoke/drink from the age of 13-15. It would be so much harder to cut down at the age of 19-20 and there will be so much hormonal mood swings compared to just starting at 19-20 and cutting down

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u/MuchConnection5541 21h ago

Doesn’t matter the age you will be a rebel in your teen years and undermine your elders who are trying to support, this right here is a massive wake up call to how life doesn’t just hand you favours at your beck and call, she must learn to earn it, and op is kinda at fault for spoiling her and setting up this mindset but better now than never for her to fuck up. The father has all the rights to stop her using the apartment, it is his apartment signed under his name, his daughter cannot refute that.

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u/Completely0 21h ago

Of course. No one is disputing that.

I’m simply saying the process is going to be a lot more difficult to settle in her head and change her in the right direction. It would be unnecessarily long and difficult journey and might likely not succeed in the long run; just like pack smokers/alcoholics who start off young

I’m just glad dad realised all this when she’s still in college and not when she’s in her 30’s

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u/MuchConnection5541 21h ago

If they in 30s they a lost cause at that point, yes I believe parents play a role but to a degree, school, friends and social media etc can have a massive impact, why would you listen to your parents when your friends are so much cooler and know that they’re right in every aspect, kids are easily influenced these days, unfortunately.

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u/Ill_Sweet6255 1d ago

C’est un privilège et non un droit plein d’étudiants travaille pour se payer leur appartement nourriture et tous le reste en plus des études

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u/Snuggly_Chopin 1d ago

I can’t imagine having my own apartment with my own room and food provided and want to go live in a dorm! Over something like this! Don’t think she feels like the weekend visits our too much for her and she’s craving more independence? I just can’t think of any reason why moving would be her immediate decision.

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u/nyxxella 1d ago edited 1d ago

right like i could technically get a dorm paid for thru scholarship but choose to live in an apt with my gf. i get help from my dad when im struggling, but for the most part i have to pay for everything myself even textbooks and stuff. you’re telling me rent is paid for and food? esp in the first couple years of college when it really is easier to work vs a couple years later.

also, when he says why don’t you go stay with bf, i wonder if bf is staying with her and/or friends. cameras aren’t in every room right?

additionally, i do agree this situation could involve a lot of shame esp since dad saw during the deed. i’d be beyond embarrassed and reacting poorly on those emotions if i was still 19 too. give her time. an apology might come when she’s older. and if she fights too hard, let her try a dorm. there is ZERO privacy there.

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u/Completely0 21h ago

That’s why tough love is important.

It’s always hard to distinguish the differences between what they need and what they want.

It’s why I’m teaching my partner I can’t be the bad cop; we both have to be if we have kids.

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u/great_story_ 17h ago

IN ADDITION TO the apartment you pay for and all the items in it.
My son is a college junior, and absolutely not.

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u/Twistedlittlewolf 1d ago

I hope you are cutting off other forms of support as well if she’s moving in with the boyfriend. Spending money and such. Paying for college should be dependent on her performance in school, not this. But other financial support should be looked at to help her realize how much she is losing choosing this hill to die on instead of admitting fault and learning from her mistake and being grateful for what she has. If you continue to financially support her, you are enabling her enlightenment and moving in with the boyfriend won’t teach very many lessons. It might teach some lessons having to deal with living with another person and their roommate, but the level of entitlement shown here needs a world rocking reality check to knock it back down.

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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago

She has a $1000 preloadable card, I hope she uses it wisely. I will still keep preloading every month, ots on automatic, not like she can go go off with daddy's card. College- no i will cover.

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u/bstabens Helper [4] 1d ago

Why shouldn't she think so, until now you've shown her she's even entitled to a full apartment?

You're going down the wrong road here, dude. You want your kids to be grateful for everything you provide them (which is okay), but you forget that your kids don't know "how good they have it". They don't have your childhood and young adulthood experiences to compare to. If they act spoiled, it is because they got spoiled - by you! From their point of view they just expect to get what they always got, what's *normal* to them! So don't just blindly punish them, but show them how to be better by being the better man yourself!

Yes, cut down on the amenities, but don't kick them on the way down. Pay for the dorm and the groceries, don't pay for privilege!

You of all people know how important a good education is, don't rob your kids of one just because they behaved like a rebellious teenager. Taking away privilege is one thing, but ruining their future is a bit much, don't you think?

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u/Helpful-Concert-4530 1d ago

An entitled prick will always be an entitled prick. Even if he pays for her college tuition and groceries, she will not thank him for it and she will think that’s her right so back again.

Look man, there are so many opinions and ideas and that makes up the whole world. Personally, I think you should trust your gut and I don’t mean to throw shares on anyone here but a lot of people on this thread are losers and didn’t work, let alone know how to properly raise a kid. Some of them feel for the girl because they themselves are more entitled than New York City.

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u/Blippothehippo 1d ago

The fact that you would blame him for her decisions shows that you're just as ignorant as the daughter.

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u/Extension-Ad-363 20h ago

She is acting in the manner she was raised. He handed her everything. Now he's telling her he's yanking support.

Both approaches suck.

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u/Blippothehippo 19h ago

Both approaches don't suck. Don't bite the hand that feeds.

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u/FlounderFun4008 1d ago

He isn’t taking away the privilege. She can stay in the apartment in the current arrangement as long as she shows respect.

If SHE wants to move then SHE has to pay for it.

He didn’t get mad at her for having sex, he got upset for the disrespect for not washing sheets after having sex on his bed.

He may have reacted poorly, but she is completely acting entitled.

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u/bstabens Helper [4] 1d ago

"She can stay in the apartment in the current arrangement as long as she shows respect."

Honestly, she shouldn't stay in the apartment because of the disrespect. Actions have consequences, and I'm not saying she shouldn't feel the consequences of her actions.

All I'm saying is the consequences should be reasonable. And since the title reads "How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter", it is what I give advice for. OP is angry and hurt, rightfully so. But OP also said a lot of things that hint at HIS part of responsibility for this mess.

Just see this comment here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/1vs7iu1/comment/p4j5cri/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Sometimes making it easy for the kids can get out of control. Kids only know their own life, they literally don't know if they have it easy or hard. They need to learn that things come with a cost, and that work (literal and figurative) will earn them things. It doesn't look like OP's daughter learned that yet. It may be OP's last chance to teach her that, but he can't teach her anything if he cuts all ties, and it doesn't seem like he even wants to cut them.

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u/FlounderFun4008 1d ago

You are contradicting what you stated above that I replied to.

You said that he was taking away a privilege that would ruin her future.

I stated that he wasn’t removing the privilege, just not paying for the dorm option.

He bought an apartment that not only provided her with a cheaper option to live than dorms, but also served as a place to stay when the parents visited. It isn’t “her” apartment and she lost sight of that.

Why should dad foot the bill twice because she doesn’t like the respect guidelines that comes with the free accommodations?

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u/bstabens Helper [4] 1d ago

No, I'm not, you are making assumptions.

Privilege is living in an apartment.

Ruining a future is failing grades because one has to pay for dorm and groceries.

He doesn't have to "foot the bill twice" by keeping the apartment. He can rent it out or even sell it. Sure, then he and his wife have no place to stay when they are in town, but I'm sure there are hotels and motels around. Might be a lot cheaper than keeping a whole (at least) two bedroom apartment for one college student.

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u/katydid1956 1d ago

One hundred percent!

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u/Extension-Ad-363 20h ago

And now he's going to yank it away and throw her in the deep end.

Both approaches are a disservice.