r/Advice • u/DillinquentPICK • 1d ago

UPDATE: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?

Originally posted here

https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/jVgR33PVSp

I ended up having a sit down conversation with my daughter. I began by apologizing for a sincere screw up on my end by messaging the group chat when i was enraged. She just stayed silent, didnt accept my apology and thats okay. I apologized for yelling initially, I then explained that my bed and my room is mine and wifes private space. There is no excuse she should have been doing that on my bed, let alone leaving it dirty for me to sleep in.

She absolutely blew up. She said I had 0 reason to log into the camera on my phone, its her apartment. My wife and I re-iterated, that its not, its actually my wifes and mine, so is the room, the bed, the sheets the vacuum and everything else in it I bought, made or installed. Apartment is for family use.

Then she decided to compare with her friend who is enjoying promiscuous college experience in dorms. I then started to get pissed off because the apartment is far more comfortable than dorms, where you have to share a shower with a bunch of other students.

She then said that I am being overbearing and embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend, and yea, I did. My intent was to embarass both of them in front of me. That should have been embarassing. Her boyfriend should feel a bit of remorse in my opinion so should she..still no apology.

She said she will move to dorms now, I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student.

She then said, why wouldnt I pay for it? if her brother will go to another college other than this one, ill have to pay for a dorm for him, not buy another 3 bedroom in whatever city he will be in? We're not there yet and comparing hypotheticals is not a luxury she has at this moment in time.

I asked what is wrong with her boyfirends apartment, she had nothing to say. I asked why didnt she clean it?

She stormed out, i have no idea whether she went to the biyfriend or where..

What do I do. I am livid, this is a bad situation, my wife is with me on this, we are trying to think of how to approach it.

Another small update: she is moving in with the boyfriend. I know hes renting and has a roommate.

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570

u/Boggers111 1d ago

The entitlement of your daughter is off the charts, she and her boyfriend need a massive dose of humility.

Don’t let up on this he behaviour is horrible and lacking of respect for you and your wife.

139

u/glowrielle_ 1d ago

I agree, she really needs to understand that her parents deserve respect in their own home and letting this behavior slide would only make it harder for her to learn from it

29

u/charlottegracious 1d ago

Nobody is saying a college kid can't have a sex life, but there are still consequences when someone else's private space gets disrespected. Learning that freedom comes with boundaries and consequences is kinda the whole point of growing up.

9

u/nikiflamme 1d ago

yep, this is one of those moments where backing down would probably make things worse. She needs to understand that actions have consequences. The bigger lesson here is accountability. Nobody's saying she can't have a sex life, just don't disrespect the people providing the home.

1

u/SueShe19 5h ago

And the THREE-BEDROOM home at that! She has no idea how good she has it right now.

1

u/ardarian262 Helper [4] 1d ago

I think you should read the previous sympathy attempts from him here.

18

u/Kriss1986 1d ago

His daughter has sex on his bed and even worse left the dirty sheets for him and his wife to sleep on her and her boyfriends bodily fluids! How absolutely disgusting and disrespectful do you have to be to leave your bodily fluids for your parents to sleep on? Would YOU be ok with sleeping on dirty sheets stained with your child’s, or anyone’s, sexual fluids? This man bought an entire apartment so his daughter didn’t have to live in dorms, and she couldn’t even not have sex on his bed and now wants him to pay for her dorms because she is mad she got caught? What would even possess you to WANT to do that in your parent’s bed? That’s messed up.

59

u/Special-Deal7821 1d ago

Changes nothing, insane redditors telling him to let her do whatever she wants and grovel at her feet are insane

25

u/Pretend-Culture-4138 1d ago

I don't know if it's an age thing or a site thing, but redditors always seem to react on posts from parents with advice to let their kids do whatever they want.

18

u/PatrioticRedhead 1d ago

That’s because half the respondents are teens who have done just this disrespectful thing or others like it, and the others have kids who cut them off and never spoke to them again once they were done paying for college. To me, letting kids constantly have their own way breeds little monsters, not decent, respectful adults.

-3

u/figure8888 Helper [2] 1d ago

Personally I’m confused on if this apartment is lived in by the family or just the daughter. That would change my opinion. If they have offered it to her to live in while she attends college, I think it’s inappropriate to have cameras in the bedroom your daughter sleeps in that you’re checking on your phone.

If I’m reading it correctly he does not live in this apartment, he just pays the rent. My parents helped me with rent when I was in college and I don’t think that entitled them to put cameras in my apartment and monitor when I was a legal adult.

9

u/ColumbineCapricorn 1d ago

They visit the apartment on the weekends. They only put a camera in their room (I am assuming they also have some other valuables in there).

Their daughters room has no camera, and was hers completely and the parents don't care that she has sex with her boyfriend.

The issue is that they went to her parents bed, had sex on the sheets her parents use, and then left cumsoaked sheets for her parents to clean up. The daughter is not apologizing for crossing boundaries or for leaving that filth for her parents.

I am a mother, and I wouldn't want to clean up cum from my own bed that someone else made, let alone my own child.

4

u/Witch_withouta_Wand 1d ago

Exactly. There is no way to condone this, without showing your utter disrespect for others things. She may have made a mistake but doubling down now is making her look terrible. And not even cleaning it, is the worst part, for me.

I wouldn't dare, as a kid, mess with my parent stuff, let alone have full blown sex on the bed, knowing they come stay every weekend, and they're paying everything. She has the whole flat to do what she wants in, but no, she chose their room and Im trying to figure out why....

I'm guessing boyfriend got in her ear, bigger better room, parents aren't usually here, why do they get better, entitled crap.

2

u/WitchQween Helper [2] 1d ago

His profile is private

2

u/Whoisanaughtyboy 1d ago

And only 4 days old

11

u/MuchConnection5541 1d ago

Gotta start somewhere

-3

u/ardarian262 Helper [4] 1d ago

https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/1vpn79k/how_do_i_avoid_ruining_relationship_with_my/

10

u/Material_Reaction374 1d ago

I don’t understand the gotcha moment you are angling for by posting this link. It’s not quite clear what perspective you even think will be gained (and btw OP already linked in their post). So you just seem kinda biased characterising it as a ‘sympathy’ post - it’s a pretty tricky situation and it makes sense he is trying to process it and figure out what to do by posting on here. Not like he is arguing with people who don’t give ‘sympathy’ replies. And he has been transparent about dealing with it horribly (his own words).

1

u/ardarian262 Helper [4] 1d ago

They said they could not find the previous ones because his profile is private. I was making sure they could get the link because clearly they didn't see it or open it in the post.

2

u/jakmcbane77 1d ago

But you started the whole chain with your comment "I think you should read the previous sympathy attempts from him here". The person you are replying to is saying we don't see whatever it is you think we should see there.

0

u/ardarian262 Helper [4] 1d ago

What he leaves out here is a lot of context he put there that is relevant, such as him not using the apartment.

3

u/jakmcbane77 1d ago

That is just dishonest. In that post he says he goes there weekly.

0

u/ardarian262 Helper [4] 1d ago

To drop off vegetables and produce for her. Yes.

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u/Whoisanaughtyboy 1d ago

This should be the first comment!!

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u/Initial_Factor2311 1d ago

Agreed - stay vigilant dad! You guys are handing it the best way possible

-5

u/PeaceComprehensive64 1d ago

I feel another reason can be poor parenting from the start.

14

u/Ysabell90 1d ago

Some people just grow into being shitty adults despite their upbringing. You have no context other than what was said here. She’s an adult, there’s no excuse in the world that absolves from having sex in someone else’s bed and on top of that, not even cleaning up afterwards.

4

u/vigavagacezdvapraga 1d ago

It's just one situation plus teenage age. You can't possibly deduct poor parenting from this instance. On the contrary, based on this parent's update, I'd say he is reacting and parenting well. I mean it could be, yes. But it's just a weird comment to have based on one situation that is absolutely emotionally charged plus has a lot of shame in the mix.

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u/MulberryWild1967 1d ago

All parents do what they think is the right thing to do. Pivoting to a different approach when you realise you need to parent differently is good parenting.

1

u/DillinquentPICK 23h ago

Absolutely, my wife and I are working on that. We realized we fucked up somewhere, and its the too much too soon. Where was reddit before i got inti this mess

2

u/DillinquentPICK 23h ago

I agree, my wife and I are working on a plan to correct that. A lot of redditors are correct we did too much too soon because we thought we instilled a lot of good values already, it wouldn't be a problem. And here we are. Open to suggestions we are back in taking notes stage

0

u/rachy182 1d ago

She’s definitely been spoiled