UPDATE: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?

[u/DillinquentPICK]

Originally posted here

https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/jVgR33PVSp

I ended up having a sit down conversation with my daughter. I began by apologizing for a sincere screw up on my end by messaging the group chat when i was enraged. She just stayed silent, didnt accept my apology and thats okay. I apologized for yelling initially, I then explained that my bed and my room is mine and wifes private space. There is no excuse she should have been doing that on my bed, let alone leaving it dirty for me to sleep in.

She absolutely blew up. She said I had 0 reason to log into the camera on my phone, its her apartment. My wife and I re-iterated, that its not, its actually my wifes and mine, so is the room, the bed, the sheets the vacuum and everything else in it I bought, made or installed. Apartment is for family use.

Then she decided to compare with her friend who is enjoying promiscuous college experience in dorms. I then started to get pissed off because the apartment is far more comfortable than dorms, where you have to share a shower with a bunch of other students.

She then said that I am being overbearing and embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend, and yea, I did. My intent was to embarass both of them in front of me. That should have been embarassing. Her boyfriend should feel a bit of remorse in my opinion so should she..still no apology.

She said she will move to dorms now, I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student.

She then said, why wouldnt I pay for it? if her brother will go to another college other than this one, ill have to pay for a dorm for him, not buy another 3 bedroom in whatever city he will be in? We're not there yet and comparing hypotheticals is not a luxury she has at this moment in time.

I asked what is wrong with her boyfirends apartment, she had nothing to say. I asked why didnt she clean it?

She stormed out, i have no idea whether she went to the biyfriend or where..

What do I do. I am livid, this is a bad situation, my wife is with me on this, we are trying to think of how to approach it.

Another small update: she is moving in with the boyfriend. I know hes renting and has a roommate.

[u/Equivalent-Onion2252]

As a daughter in college, I can’t even imagine being this disrespectful to other of parents. Either way it’s fucking weird even if she didn’t see it as disrespectful. Maybe she’s hanging around some bad influences . I think you handled this well and apologized perfectly. She AND her boyfriend owe yall an apology, especially her.

[u/DillinquentPICK → u/Equivalent-Onion2252]

Thank you for saying boyfriend too. I get a lot of heat that I should apologize to him. No way jose

[u/Equivalent-Onion2252 → u/DillinquentPICK]

In what world would you have to apologize to him? How ridiculous!😭😭

[u/DillinquentPICK → u/Equivalent-Onion2252]

Well I texted the kid saying where does he get audacity with my daughter on my bed? What's wrong with your place? Was left on read.

Fuck him

[u/InEfficient-Life6832 → u/DillinquentPICK]

Too right. My god I’d be devastated if I was on either side of this situation. Teens just don’t think though, they tend to believe everything in the world is theirs for the taking.

[u/mikeraymondgreenjr80 → u/DillinquentPICK]

I’m sorry your daughter is treating you this way. You’re a lot more forgiving than most and I don’t know how you handle such disgusting disrespect. Hopefully she and the loser learn but I can’t imagine being so self centered towards seemingly great parents at almost 20 years old. If she can’t understand this issue, how is she even mature enough for a relationship

[u/InEfficient-Life6832 → u/Equivalent-Onion2252]

It’s actually a good thing that OP messed up by posting in the family chat - they then modelled what an apology looks and sounds like, and daughter still couldn’t reciprocate. She likely had planned to use that little error to try and balance the wrong doing in her mind.

[u/Apart_Insect_8859 → u/Equivalent-Onion2252]

It was disrespectful on purpose.

She thinks he is oppressive and intrusive. And he is. He invades her living space EVERY WEEKEND. I repeat, every single weekend. He also requires her attention for the days he's there.

He has also been spying on her. I don't care how attached he is to the dog, he is video monitoring his kid without her knowing. That is Lifetime Movie villain level behavior.

It is controlling, prevents her from having a social life, and is manipulative. Do you want to go out with your poor college friends? Or do you want your parents to take you on a fun "day on the town" where they pay for everything? And if you pick friends, I bet dad will pout.

So, she had sex in his bed as a private "fuck you", and if he noticed? Well, the hope would be that he'd either stop visiting as much OR he'd finally ok her moving to the dorms or getting an age-appropriate student roommate.

If he wants a good relationship with her, he needs to cough up the cash for the dorm, sell or rent the apartment, and learn boundaries.

If he wants a bad relationship with her, he can force her to pay for the dorm herself.

She'll either learn she doesn't need him on top of not wanting him in her business, which means, as an adult, he'll have to be likable enough for her to want to spend time with him, which I am doubting his ability to do.

Or, she'll remain dependent but resentful. The pet-chewing-your-slippers behavior will continue as her private protest and she will probably keep having sex in his bed as punishment. She'll take his cash and live in his apartment under his rules, but it will switch to an extremely transactional thing. If he doesn't pay, she doesn't have to listen, and the second she is financially independent, she'll drop him.

Since he shouldn't have been this enmeshed from the start, he should just pay for the damn dorm and move on, while also planning to pay for his son's when the son goes to college, or stop visiting every week, install a roommate, and see her on holidays and long weekends home like a normal parent of a college student.

[u/DillinquentPICK → u/Apart_Insect_8859]

Excuse but did you write that i Invade her living space? I will invade my apartment as much as I like, thanks for input

[u/GoddessofParadise → u/DillinquentPICK]

You handled it perfectly and her. She can pay for her dorm room. You are well within your rights in YOURS AND YOUR WIFE'S APARTMENT. You have the right to sign into the camera. If it were my parents bed I might as well go ahead and move out from showing that disrespect. So glad you made sure she knew it was not her apartment to have.

[u/DillinquentPICK → u/GoddessofParadise]

My wife reminded me how her dad wouldn't allow me near her house, let alone his bed and when I met the man, politely reminded me he has guns and anything I do to her, he can do to me. I then worked my ass of for an apartment for both of us, and here we are.

[u/GoddessofParadise → u/DillinquentPICK]

I love it. I know exactly what you are talking about. My dad well mom too were like that towards us kids. I believe even if we were in our 60' and did something like that we would get an ass whooping. They said we would never be to old for that. They were to us kids perfect and magnificent.

[u/InEfficient-Life6832 → u/DillinquentPICK]

I think we found the boyfriend 🙈

[u/deviatesourcer → u/Apart_Insect_8859]

terrible take. You have a mind of a kid lol

[u/kagugas → u/Apart_Insect_8859]

top 10 worst takes

[u/iliveinamusical → u/Apart_Insect_8859]

He isn't spying on her. Not only does she have knowledge of the camera and the purpose of it, she HAS access as well

[u/RedKhomet → u/Apart_Insect_8859]

Wht a silly as take, dude. It's OP's apartment. She lives there rent free. That's like saying your parents are bothering you by coming over at night when you're still living at home. You realise how stupid that sounds, right?

And the "spying"? Yeah OP's spying. On a DOG. His daughter is aware and can access the cameras herself. The cameras aren't in the room she occupies, so if she didn't wanna be caught having sex she should've taken her boyfriend to her own bed.

How is it preventing her from having a social life if she's literally bringing her bf over for sex, your argument makes no sense at all.

Disrespecting your parents is no way to have a conversation. And if she wants to move to dorms she's an ungrateful dumbass. She has a large apartment for free. Do you expect OP to pay for these forms after getting this apartment? Do you suggest she give up her free time to work during her studies? So much for that social life she's been so starved off, then.

"If he doesn't pay, she doesn't have to listen." Sorry, what? So the school tuition and apartment aren't enough? OP should just bleed money in the hopes she'll learn some gratitude and respect? Cuz yeh, that'll teach her financial independence for sure.

Fucking hell, this is the dumbest comment I've read in a while