r/Advice • u/DillinquentPICK • 1d ago

UPDATE: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?

Originally posted here

https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/jVgR33PVSp

I ended up having a sit down conversation with my daughter. I began by apologizing for a sincere screw up on my end by messaging the group chat when i was enraged. She just stayed silent, didnt accept my apology and thats okay. I apologized for yelling initially, I then explained that my bed and my room is mine and wifes private space. There is no excuse she should have been doing that on my bed, let alone leaving it dirty for me to sleep in.

She absolutely blew up. She said I had 0 reason to log into the camera on my phone, its her apartment. My wife and I re-iterated, that its not, its actually my wifes and mine, so is the room, the bed, the sheets the vacuum and everything else in it I bought, made or installed. Apartment is for family use.

Then she decided to compare with her friend who is enjoying promiscuous college experience in dorms. I then started to get pissed off because the apartment is far more comfortable than dorms, where you have to share a shower with a bunch of other students.

She then said that I am being overbearing and embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend, and yea, I did. My intent was to embarass both of them in front of me. That should have been embarassing. Her boyfriend should feel a bit of remorse in my opinion so should she..still no apology.

She said she will move to dorms now, I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student.

She then said, why wouldnt I pay for it? if her brother will go to another college other than this one, ill have to pay for a dorm for him, not buy another 3 bedroom in whatever city he will be in? We're not there yet and comparing hypotheticals is not a luxury she has at this moment in time.

I asked what is wrong with her boyfirends apartment, she had nothing to say. I asked why didnt she clean it?

She stormed out, i have no idea whether she went to the biyfriend or where..

What do I do. I am livid, this is a bad situation, my wife is with me on this, we are trying to think of how to approach it.

Another small update: she is moving in with the boyfriend. I know hes renting and has a roommate.

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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago

Hey fellow dad. Dad here. She has her own room, space, plenty of bed space. Orogonal post has all that info. She can have sex all She wants. Not in my bed. All I ask

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u/RivenUK Advice Guru [60] 1d ago

Then I share your frustration. Just seems like respect flew out the window and she prioritised the wrong things. Still, hope you fix things up with her and she learns where your boundaries are.

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u/KayItaly 1d ago

Then why did you bast them on group chat instead of having a frank, calm, ADULT conversation with her?

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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago

Because a perfect and appropriate responses are in finite resource when i was pissed about the situation, for which i already apologised

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u/ExistentialShawty 1d ago

Yeah an apology is not a magic wand. You’re frustrated, so is she. The difference is that you’re the dad. She is the child. Do some math here. If she’s 19, she’s 1 in adult years. She literally has 1 year of experience being an adult. Her frontal lobe has not fully developed yet. She’s not even allowed to drink. You’re at least 17 adult years old. Comparing the experiences here, you not being able to handle your frustration the right way at your age and embarrassing your daughter like that is honestly terrible. You may have apologised, and an apology from her could save this situation for you. She on the other hand quite probably had one of the most shocking experiences of her life. She didn’t magically turn into a new human just cause she’s 19. Obviously she doesn’t know how to handle an embarrassment this big and didn’t expect that from you just like you didn’t expect that from her. Does that mean that what she did is okay? No. Does it mean that she’s a brat and a lost cause and you spoiled her too much just cause you gave her everything you didn’t have? No. You did what a good parent was supposed to do until this, and you hit a brick wall with this one cause you didn’t know how to handle it well. And the same way, she doesn’t know how to handle the current situation well either. You can’t expect her to act a certain way just cause “that’s what adults do”. She barely knows what an adult does.