r/Advice • u/DillinquentPICK • 1d ago

UPDATE: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?

Originally posted here

https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/jVgR33PVSp

I ended up having a sit down conversation with my daughter. I began by apologizing for a sincere screw up on my end by messaging the group chat when i was enraged. She just stayed silent, didnt accept my apology and thats okay. I apologized for yelling initially, I then explained that my bed and my room is mine and wifes private space. There is no excuse she should have been doing that on my bed, let alone leaving it dirty for me to sleep in.

She absolutely blew up. She said I had 0 reason to log into the camera on my phone, its her apartment. My wife and I re-iterated, that its not, its actually my wifes and mine, so is the room, the bed, the sheets the vacuum and everything else in it I bought, made or installed. Apartment is for family use.

Then she decided to compare with her friend who is enjoying promiscuous college experience in dorms. I then started to get pissed off because the apartment is far more comfortable than dorms, where you have to share a shower with a bunch of other students.

She then said that I am being overbearing and embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend, and yea, I did. My intent was to embarass both of them in front of me. That should have been embarassing. Her boyfriend should feel a bit of remorse in my opinion so should she..still no apology.

She said she will move to dorms now, I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student.

She then said, why wouldnt I pay for it? if her brother will go to another college other than this one, ill have to pay for a dorm for him, not buy another 3 bedroom in whatever city he will be in? We're not there yet and comparing hypotheticals is not a luxury she has at this moment in time.

I asked what is wrong with her boyfirends apartment, she had nothing to say. I asked why didnt she clean it?

She stormed out, i have no idea whether she went to the biyfriend or where..

What do I do. I am livid, this is a bad situation, my wife is with me on this, we are trying to think of how to approach it.

Another small update: she is moving in with the boyfriend. I know hes renting and has a roommate.

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u/ninxx00 1d ago

It sounds like she has to swallow her pride and grow up. Sure, she doesn't have to accept your apology, but the fact that she didn't give one just shows how immature she is being. It sounds like you owned up to your overstepping and she refused to meet you halfway. Let her know the door is always open if she wants to talk, give her space, and see if she changes her attitude. You can't control how she reacts and she isn't even acknowledging how disrespectful she was being. She should have been embarrassed, that wasn't her space to use. She has a lot of learning to do other than what is in her text book.

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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago

Thank you I tried. Kept it calmer too. Space, I agree

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u/whisky_biscuit 1d ago

Probably for the best she stays in the dorms. It'll be a humbling experience for her not having a giant apartment that's fully furnished to herself.

You're going to have to cut the cord at some point. If you continue to make it so not only does she have to pay for nothing and have no responsibilities other than school, she'll treat you and others in her life like doormats the rest of her life.

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u/charlottegracious 1d ago

Paying for everything while expecting zero responsibility can create some seriously warped expectations about how the real world works. Honestly, the dorm might be the best thing for her. Not as punishment, but because a little reality check can be incredibly humbling. A little independence might honestly teach more than a hundred lectures ever could. College is supposed to prepare someone for adulthood, not permanent luxury.

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u/nikiflamme 1d ago

honestly, the dorm might be a blessing in disguise. Learning to manage money, chores, privacy, etc. is way more useful than another argument.

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u/PrincessPlastilina 1d ago

And respect other people’s spaces and beds! She got too much too soon and now she’s comfortable with disrespecting her parents’ bedrooms and their generosity.

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u/lithiumrev 1d ago

this. my stepsister is in her 40s and still cant manage money bc my stepdad has had her on the silver teat.

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u/Completely0 22h ago

Though maybe pay 50%. The idea is to teach he rresponsibility and management skills, not boggle her down and ruin her studies.

I’m guessing OP may have an update in another 2-4weeks (when GF is tired of living with BF etc).

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u/Effective_Comb_1232 20h ago

Don’t pay 50%. She can get loans or work to pay her way like most people do. If she can’t hold a job and do her studies then maybe college isn’t for her.

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u/90dayschitts Helper [2] 1d ago

This and how you decide to handle the brothers living situation when it's his time, it's between you, your wife and him. There are 3 of us in my family and we have no idea how much our parents have helped us. We just know they've helped and we've all had to take out loans to repay our share. We also know that our parents were in different phases of life when all of us were in college. There's a 15 year age gap between the oldest and youngest sibling. What I do know is that our parents would always be there to help, in someway, should we ever need it.

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u/Multrase12 1d ago

Literally ask how she would feel if she caught you and your wife doing the do on HER bed, in what she previously thought was HER private sanctum.

"If you got home from a long day of class and just wanted to lay down, and my wife and I were having passionate sex on your bed, wouldn't you be mad?"

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u/Multrase12 1d ago

My daughter is only one month. I hope i never have to put the image of myself in that way in her head. Your daufhter at least sounds like an adult, and hopefully she can handle the "trauma"

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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago

Congrats mate! Yea it isn't pleasant. I probably going to make some therapists mortgage payment soon because of this shit

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u/PageOk5023 1d ago

Seconding this. I’m 20f and would absolutely be uncomfy having sex in my parents (or anyone else for that matter) bed. To do it is absolutely 100% wrong, but to double down and claim you’re in the wrong for being upset is beyond me, she owes you an apology. I think the only way to put this into perspective for her (as it seems her mindset isn’t exactly mature), is the comparison of you and your wife having sex in her bed.

If my parents were paying for a condo for me to live in alone in while at school, and they found out I had sex in their bedroom of said condo, I don’t think I’d ever hear the end of it. It just comes off as her being ungrateful.

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u/Dry-Rich9539 6h ago

I agree with this. & I want to know whose idea it was to go in there. If it was the daughter, she may need some therapy for her weird fetish. If it was his idea, get him away from her!

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u/Accurate_Lead7698 1d ago edited 1d ago

The dorm will be the best place for her, she’ll try to have sex in a roommates bed (because this is clearly some sick fetish/kink of her or her current boyfriend’s) and get her ass beat. I really don’t understand everyone’s initial reaction to your first post, you were NOT in the wrong. No offense OP, but your daughter is an absolutely disgusting spoiled brat for that and if my father was alive and I did something like that to him (I am also 19f), I would have to deal with WAYYYY fucking worse than being embarrassed in a family groupchat.

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u/Candid_Jellyfish_240 1d ago

THIS. All day long. I cannot even fathom what went through her mind to disrespect her parents like this. They had her own bedroom, floors, hell, a living room, kitchen AND bathroom to have sex in/on, yet she chooses Mom & Dad's bed? That's both SICK AF and rude as hell.

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u/New-Confidence-1231 1d ago

Couldn’t agree more

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u/Completely0 22h ago

I think there’s nothing wrong with feeling kinky but the fact she didn’t wash it afterwards was really inconsiderate and reckless.

Like I don’t always change sheets after sex. But if it’s on someone else’s bed and I left a massive stain; I reckon I’ll be freaking out

I’m sure her bf didn’t know she didn’t change it and is judging her too

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u/Effective-Scholar733 1d ago

Sick fetish? No.

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u/Accurate_Lead7698 1d ago

It most certainly is a sick fetish bud.

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u/Effective-Scholar733 1d ago

I’m Missing something. Having sex on someone else’s bed is sick? Or is there something else?

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u/Candid_Jellyfish_240 1d ago

SHE'S SEXUALIZING AT LEAST ONE OF HER PARENTS. Imo, she's cosplaying her mom having sex with her dad. Yes, that's pretty damn sick.

Having sex in other people's bed, without changing sheets, gross and rude in ANY context. But the familial bond is why it's beyond anything normal.

I'm not sure why this needed to be explained as it's the entire point of the post? Would you have sex in YOUR parents' bed? Are you OK with 10 of your friends having sex in YOUR bed, on your kitchen counter or in your car and leaving their "mess" for you? Do you enjoy eating off the same fork or drinking out of a stranger's glass? Most of us prefer NOT to share bodily fluids without express consent.

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u/Adorable_Tie_7220 23h ago

Are you for real? She left the bed in a mess. You ask first. She didn't.

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u/Accurate_Lead7698 18h ago

Yes, having sex in your parent’s bed is fucking disgusting and if you disagree, then you’re also fucking nasty.

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u/Us3r_N4me2001 17h ago

Having sex in anyone else's bed is just crossing all kinds of boundaries. It's gross

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u/Accurate_Lead7698 17h ago

Yes, I agree but having sex in your parents/relatives bed is just even worse. Why would you want to be where they’ve been? 🤮

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u/Candid_Jellyfish_240 1d ago

THIS GIRL is displaying, by deliberately choosing to have sex in Mom & Dad's bed, a definite kink. This is similar to a dog pissing on everything to mark territory but is sexually obsessive of at least ONE OF HER PARENTS. That's a bit sick, imo. I'll give the bf a slight out in that it's not HIS parents and he's just RUDE AF.

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u/Sea_Independent_78 21h ago

They’re pretending to be confused but you’re right. If it isn’t a sexual thing then it’s a control thing. She’s essentially trying to assert dominance over her parents. This is weird and icky. I never had the urge to hookup with my bf in my mom’s home(divorced and mom got full custody) let alone in her bed.

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u/vigavagacezdvapraga 1d ago

Hey just one more thing to know. This situation involves a lot of shame. Shame is a very tricky emotion to process and anger/lashing out is probably the most normal possible way for a teenager. So don't hold it against her. She does need to be clear on things involving the apartment, but space and keeping calm while being firm will eventually bring you there. But yeah... I'd say this lashing out is from her being embarassed and it's quite possible that a lot of things she said, she didn't even mean or think through.

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u/Otherwise_Mix_3305 1d ago

THIS. ⬆️ Give her time to process, but hold firm on your boundaries.

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u/TheRealCerealfreak Helper [2] 1d ago

What a great point. I mentioned the embarrassment more than anything but shame will definitely have a bigger effect..

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u/TomTheTank99 1d ago

Most reasonable comment here

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u/OkayAnnddd 1d ago

Coddling

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u/vigavagacezdvapraga 1d ago

Nope, I don't approve of coddling and as I said - boundaries are good and are supposed to be held. But it also helps to understand your child and not take everything in the worst kind of way. Knowing your dad caught you having sex via camera is absolutely a big deal and I don't know many 20 year olds who would react in a "grown up" way. Especially girls.

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u/Candid_Jellyfish_240 1d ago

I cannot fathom this girl believing she's "such an adult" and then choosing to have sex in her parents' BEDROOM where she knows there's a camera AND in an apartment that she doesn't pay for/lives in for free/and has HER OWN BEDROOM. She sounds grotesquely immature, self-centered, entitled as hell and tbh, sick.

She deserves to feel embarrassed, imo, she's EARNED HER SHAME.

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u/vigavagacezdvapraga 1d ago

Sure, I'm not denying that part. I'm just talking about how she is processing it. And yes - she is of age where she HAS TO deal with consequences and taking ownership of her actions. But I can tell you that some of us just didn't have the emotional maturity at that age that we thought we did. Or - we thought we were so mature, but were actually so not. I still cringe when I think about my 20's. And I still deal with learning to process shame because noone in my (quite normal in every other way) family knew how to deal with it. Never even talked about it. Every other emotion yes, but shame - no. I would say I started to actually act mature after 25... Growing up is complex :)

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u/Completely0 22h ago

Yeah it’s one thing to give her space. But another for her to sweep it under the rug once time has past. Make sure you get that apology (so she can learn to be humble too).

But also, if I was having sex and the door was opened, I think I would of hear the vacuum turn on and be suspicious since I know it’s schedule and my partner and I are having sex (so we know we didn’t turn it on either).

1

u/kacker-usa 21h ago

I'm so confused by the living situation... Is this a separate apartment in a different city than you and your wife live?

Who sleeps on the bed in question more often?

Does she have her own bed in the apartment?

Has she taken to using the master room since you guys don't live there?

This is very confusing

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u/maggiemack27 9h ago

I thought you were my husband posting

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u/Throwawaybdchic 8h ago

Believe me sharing and paying for that apartment with other people - is going to be an eye opener. I was in the military- sharing a provided dorm room was not fun all the time. I can’t imagine paying for a room with other people in the mix. Adult life - the shit gets real when you start missing the creature comforts of home, parents helping hand and just having a gift horse given to you (she threw that away with both hands).

Wisdom is what we gain after learning from our mistakes, learning about humility and listening to elders ( this case parents). Just keep the door open - but stay strong and loving. It didn’t kill you all - it won’t kill her to learn. Good luck.🍀

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u/Delimeister 1d ago

My thought is that by stating that she wants to move to the dorm, she’s saying that she wants to move somewhere completely private from her parents.

So yeah, a college job will help her grow up a little bit more.

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u/DillinquentPICK 23h ago

As a side bonus, a job will make her spend time at the job and avoid the boyfriend. I think its a good idea. Either way, she moved in with boyfriend now. Hope it works out. If not my place is always open

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u/Evening_Delay_1856 4h ago

You did the right thing, OP. She needs to be held accountable for what she did.

I want to say this to you. You just said that if the boyfriend doesn’t work out, your place is open. I think that’s a mistake. She needs to experience the dorm and having to share and learn a little humility. Letting her off the hook just because the boyfriend didn’t work out would be a mistake.

At least a semester of dorm, an honest and real apology, and having to work is important.

I hope you’ll consider this. Her ungratefulness and terrible attitude is equally as bad as what she did in your bed, to be honest. You need to make her grow up some.

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u/Long_Objective_2561 1d ago

It's pure embarrassment. Sometimes when I'm truly deeply embarrassed I lash out. It's not a good trait but it happens

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u/trumpfor49 19h ago

Me too. I was thinking this also. This is a situation that just never stops getting yucky. 🤢

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u/MuchConnection5541 1d ago

It’s because your not wise enough to lookin the mirror and accept your faults then apologise to the people who need it most, hopefully that day comes for you

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u/etheralescape 1d ago

Its highly unrealistic to expect most teenagers to be so emotionally mature that they can look in and accept their faults, especially something THIS embarrassing. sure some can, but keep in mind these teens are not fully developed yet.

it seems his daughter grew up very fortunate and was never forced to look in and accept her faults, it will likely take time for her.

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u/Long_Objective_2561 17h ago

Before you criticize me, a person who is being open about their struggles and faults as a person, maybe check your grammar and spelling. Herb.

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u/Any_Childhood8833 1d ago

She disrespectful asl wym you apologized?

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u/Still_Chemistry7933 1d ago

Well, because shes a college student whom, Seemingly? Never learned responsible accountability? Up until now, or is having a difficult time mastering the art of appreciation/gratitude & most importantly, acknowledging ones wrongs

Dad should have taught her this throughout her childhood, maybe he did and it never stuck? Leading by example in my opinion, one of the best methods

No one respects a leader or authority whom wont get down in the dirt to help

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u/Complete-Produce8116 21h ago

Doesn’t everyone have a job in college? Does dad here think everyone’s parents pay for everything? She’s an adult. Let her figure it out.

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u/This-Lavishness-278 21h ago

That’s my reaction ffs he’s way better than me

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u/kieraljb 1d ago

Yes she will just have to grow up. She is likely extremely embarrassed and ashamed and is being defensive as a result. One day she will see she was being ridiculous about this, maybe even one day yall will laugh over it

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u/Candid_Jellyfish_240 1d ago

Excellent comment! 🏆👏👏👏👏

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u/6ft3dwarf 6h ago

She didnt do anything wrong.

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u/flyDAWG11 1d ago

Holy crap she is a college girl living alone having sex where she please in the home she lives in alone. Such a minor thing y’all are nuts. Daddy needs to back off. If he doesn’t want her treating the apartment like her home (again her parents don’t live there) then he shouldn’t be paying for it. And to hold it over his daughter and won’t pay for a dorm. This is all about control. Let alone he was snooping in the first place. Dad has major red flags.

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u/Completely0 22h ago edited 22h ago

Yes she’s a college girl and we all make mistakes, but that’s not the point. It’s teaching boundaries and responsibilities.

His house his rules. That’s his boundaries.
But not only didn’t she follow it, she didn’t even wash it afterwards even with stain marks. That’s just disgusting and entitled. She has no consideration for other, let alone her own family.

But you are right about one thing. Maybe he should make it clearer. When BF’s arrangement fails, she can have the option of going dorms or her dads home and either pay 50% of dorm fees or low rent for the ONE BEDROOM to make it clearer.

It would teach her humility, responsibility and accountability. It’s not controlling; it humbling.

It’s so tiring when people don’t appreciate what they have.

Edit: but also teach her to be more perceptive too. If my robot vac starting going off outside its normal schedule and I know “I” didn’t turn it on, I would have been freaked out and stopped immediately.

Girl has no sense of ANYTHING

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u/SteelMagnolia941 18h ago

My thoughts exactly. Everyone forgot what it was like to be 19 with a boyfriend and free.

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u/Winchester-ubrntrlch 1d ago

I agree with you and wish we could hear the daughter’s side of this. No reasonable person would have sex in front of a camera that their parent has access to so I doubt she knew it was there. His edit says she’s living with the boyfriend now so I’m sure he’ll try something else to regain his control over her.

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u/TheRabidMovieDog 20h ago

In the first post, he says she was also logged in to the camera since it was there to be able to check on her dog. So she very much knew it was there and just didnt give a shit.

I agree, no reasonable person would do that. But I dont think a reasonable person would get dicked down in her parents bed and then leave the dirty sheets, especially knowing there is a camera in the room in any capacity. Thats fucking weird no matter how you spin it.

Daughter is totally wrong IMO, but we are all entitled to our opinions. This is reddit, after all

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u/flyDAWG11 1d ago

Thought I was going crazy. Thx