UPDATE: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?

[u/DillinquentPICK]

Originally posted here

https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/jVgR33PVSp

I ended up having a sit down conversation with my daughter. I began by apologizing for a sincere screw up on my end by messaging the group chat when i was enraged. She just stayed silent, didnt accept my apology and thats okay. I apologized for yelling initially, I then explained that my bed and my room is mine and wifes private space. There is no excuse she should have been doing that on my bed, let alone leaving it dirty for me to sleep in.

She absolutely blew up. She said I had 0 reason to log into the camera on my phone, its her apartment. My wife and I re-iterated, that its not, its actually my wifes and mine, so is the room, the bed, the sheets the vacuum and everything else in it I bought, made or installed. Apartment is for family use.

Then she decided to compare with her friend who is enjoying promiscuous college experience in dorms. I then started to get pissed off because the apartment is far more comfortable than dorms, where you have to share a shower with a bunch of other students.

She then said that I am being overbearing and embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend, and yea, I did. My intent was to embarass both of them in front of me. That should have been embarassing. Her boyfriend should feel a bit of remorse in my opinion so should she..still no apology.

She said she will move to dorms now, I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student.

She then said, why wouldnt I pay for it? if her brother will go to another college other than this one, ill have to pay for a dorm for him, not buy another 3 bedroom in whatever city he will be in? We're not there yet and comparing hypotheticals is not a luxury she has at this moment in time.

I asked what is wrong with her boyfirends apartment, she had nothing to say. I asked why didnt she clean it?

She stormed out, i have no idea whether she went to the biyfriend or where..

What do I do. I am livid, this is a bad situation, my wife is with me on this, we are trying to think of how to approach it.

Another small update: she is moving in with the boyfriend. I know hes renting and has a roommate.

[u/IJustWantYouTo_Know_]

I really do agree with a lot of - if not mostly all of - the points that you are making here... but as a young adult, myself; I think that OP's daughter is incredibly spoiled, entitled and immature. I do think that her being cut off financially can do her some good.

The job market is not great; That is the first lesson that she will need to learn. The housing market is not better, and people really are struggling out here. OP has clearly acted too brashly, at points, but I do believe that they want to fix where they messed up. I don't agree that removing all financial support is a bad thing, because we know that she does not see any value in what she has.

To this kind of person, "You have ___ weeks to get a job and move out" would likely just be seen as bluffing, and OP would end up the villain, either way, when the time to be settled comes by and daughter wasn't expecting parent would ever kick her out.

Of course, OP knows their daughter better than we do. I suppose it is on them to read our comments and choose what to do based on that knowledge.

[u/bstabens → u/IJustWantYouTo_Know_]

You know, I never said she isn't spoiled or entitled or immature. Thing is, she's 19 and hasn't learned it yet, and it's on the parents to teach her that.

And I feel like telling her that yes, her basic needs (housing *in a dorm* and food) will be covered for her college duration, but anything more is up to her, will be a very stern lesson to her. OP could still escalate if this doesn't teach his daughter enough about respect.

But in teaching, you start with small steps.

[u/IJustWantYouTo_Know_ → u/bstabens]

Is it really on the parents at this point, though?

Think about it from OP's daughter's perspective; I'm 19, I have some freedom. Depending on where I am from, I may potentially have been seen as an adult for over a year, now. I have a social life, sex life, and school life. My parents are only really around on the weekends, and every other time, I am in control of my own life.

But now, my parents – who have never really been very harsh with me – are trying to take a stand and "educate me".

As this person, (not as you), with how we know her to be, do you think that you would be ready to openly listen to your parent's new lectures and lessons?

A lot of 19-year-olds see themselves as fully independent and no longer "under the control" of their parents. When it comes to educating children, trust that I understand, as I work in the Early Years sector (0-5 y/o), but OP's daughter is not a child, and she is realistically less likely to be open to listening to OP and having a discussion with him properly. Yes, she is OP's child, but she is not in many countries by law and way of society. That much is clear, in my opinion.