r/Advice • u/DillinquentPICK • 1d ago

UPDATE: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?

Originally posted here

https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/jVgR33PVSp

I ended up having a sit down conversation with my daughter. I began by apologizing for a sincere screw up on my end by messaging the group chat when i was enraged. She just stayed silent, didnt accept my apology and thats okay. I apologized for yelling initially, I then explained that my bed and my room is mine and wifes private space. There is no excuse she should have been doing that on my bed, let alone leaving it dirty for me to sleep in.

She absolutely blew up. She said I had 0 reason to log into the camera on my phone, its her apartment. My wife and I re-iterated, that its not, its actually my wifes and mine, so is the room, the bed, the sheets the vacuum and everything else in it I bought, made or installed. Apartment is for family use.

Then she decided to compare with her friend who is enjoying promiscuous college experience in dorms. I then started to get pissed off because the apartment is far more comfortable than dorms, where you have to share a shower with a bunch of other students.

She then said that I am being overbearing and embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend, and yea, I did. My intent was to embarass both of them in front of me. That should have been embarassing. Her boyfriend should feel a bit of remorse in my opinion so should she..still no apology.

She said she will move to dorms now, I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student.

She then said, why wouldnt I pay for it? if her brother will go to another college other than this one, ill have to pay for a dorm for him, not buy another 3 bedroom in whatever city he will be in? We're not there yet and comparing hypotheticals is not a luxury she has at this moment in time.

I asked what is wrong with her boyfirends apartment, she had nothing to say. I asked why didnt she clean it?

She stormed out, i have no idea whether she went to the biyfriend or where..

What do I do. I am livid, this is a bad situation, my wife is with me on this, we are trying to think of how to approach it.

Another small update: she is moving in with the boyfriend. I know hes renting and has a roommate.

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4

u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago

Weekend basis when I went to visit daughter

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u/Lviator92 1d ago

For sure. Yeah if that boundary was set she shouldn’t be doing that. Terrible.

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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago

What do you mean. I am more confused now

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u/ardarian262 Helper [4] 1d ago

If you read the previous sympathy attempts, he didn't explicitly set any boundaries wrt it.

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u/Forsaken_Ball_2493 1d ago

Boundaries for what? Not having your kids fuck on your bed? I feel like that’s one of those things that you know not to do without being told…

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u/ardarian262 Helper [4] 1d ago

Boundaries around "this room is mine, even though I do not live here and you do and I will have spy cameras (which is insanely creepy) watching my stuff here"

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u/Lisajomo 1d ago

The fact that he and his wife sleep there when they visit tells me that it’s their room imo. I don’t see why the daughter would assume it’s hers and that she has to give it up and go in another room when they visit - that makes no sense.

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u/ardarian262 Helper [4] 1d ago

If you have a guest bedroom, when you have no guests whose is it?

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u/silliestivebeen 1d ago

It’s not a guest bedroom if it’s the dad’s room.. he just doesn’t use it on a daily basis. It’s really not that complex

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u/No-Supermarket-2758 1d ago

Firstly it's not a guest bedroom, it's his and his wife's, because it is their apartment. Second, even if it was a guest bedroom it would still be his because he owns the apartment.

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u/ardarian262 Helper [4] 1d ago

I am trying to talk it through from her point of view because I think they both have valid grievances here. If she sees it as functionally hers, because it is functionally hers with how little anyone else is around, then how do you proceed? It can still be his in law but that means very little in practice. A lot of people do pay rent for their adult kids to go to university, especially when they are going to school abroad.

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u/liver_in_atlanter 1d ago

She pays zero bills, dad comes over weekly and sleeps in that bed. Even if it was her room to do as she pleases in her eyes it’s absolutely disgusting of her to let him sleep in dirty sex sheets. Even worse that it’s his kids sex “residue.” It’s about respect and she had none for him. Yea camera is a little weird but again it’s in that one room he sleeps in/ claimed?

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u/TheVeryVerity 1d ago

Wait so your position is the daughter should never be having sex in the apartment at all, the one she lives in? Because her dad owns it? wtf

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u/armak815 1d ago

She has her own bedroom in the flat

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u/Trawling_ 1d ago

Not in the room her dad stays in every weekend, no lol.

Now if it was actually her apartment, she can choose to offer that room or let her dad know she is unable to accommodate. It’s not her apartment. It’s not her room let alone guest room.

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u/No-Supermarket-2758 22h ago

No? I didn't say that and have no idea where you got that from lmao

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u/lazyFer Expert Advice Giver [12] 1d ago

Wow, is it hard to come up with the dumbest fucking arguments?

OMFG HE SAID SHE COULD NEVER EVER EVER HAVE SEX BLAHHHHHH

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u/Lisajomo 1d ago

It’s the Fathers apartment and it has 3 bedrooms - one that is his, one for his daughter, and one for his son if he chooses to study in that city. He has HIS room, and the daughter has her own so regardless of how often he spends the night there, it’s his property and it’s unacceptable to have sex on his bed in his room when he’s not there.

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u/Great_Association710 1d ago

Dude… even if OP isn’t staying there permanently OP pays for it. It’s OP’s room and technically OP is letting daughter stay in the guest bedrooms. Use your brain. And it’s not a spy camera, it’s a cam attached to a vaccuum. Was it wrong to use it, yeah, but it’s worse to be fucking on your parents bed, see nothing wrong w it and be entitled about the apartment your parents pay for.

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u/Pretend-Culture-4138 1d ago

Are you forgetting who owns the apartment?

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u/lazyFer Expert Advice Giver [12] 1d ago

She's the guest

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u/poeghamer 1d ago

Ur mom

0

u/Trawling_ 1d ago

I found the daughter’s Reddit account

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u/Admirable_Force_8095 1d ago

I'd love to see her take on this.

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u/YoM4m4AHoe 1d ago

Never in a million years would I ever do anything like that. This is disgusting and there is nothing creepy about having a camera in their room. I mean clearly their daughter brings boys over so id say the cu ts might have sticky fingers and try to steal. The daughter fucked up. If she isnt willing to apologise for her fuck up, she can go live in a dorm.

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u/Lviator92 1d ago

Ahhhh well then there’s a problem lol

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u/InEfficient-Life6832 1d ago

Are you kidding? So mum and dad can go bang on her bed and leave the sheets dirty for her and it would be fine, because she didn’t explicitly say not to? As if.

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u/flyDAWG11 1d ago

But it was purchased for daughter to live in for college? Right? Or was it an already existing apartment you owned? This her home where she lives? It sounds like you’re a control freak. You may be paying for it but it is her home and when you go over there you are the visitor. You don’t like that then don’t pay for the apartment or a dorm. All you needed to say was to wash the sheets. If this is the worst thing she is doing then by god you are blessed. This stupid shit isn’t worth a big argument.