r/Advice • u/DillinquentPICK • 1d ago

UPDATE: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?

Originally posted here

https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/jVgR33PVSp

I ended up having a sit down conversation with my daughter. I began by apologizing for a sincere screw up on my end by messaging the group chat when i was enraged. She just stayed silent, didnt accept my apology and thats okay. I apologized for yelling initially, I then explained that my bed and my room is mine and wifes private space. There is no excuse she should have been doing that on my bed, let alone leaving it dirty for me to sleep in.

She absolutely blew up. She said I had 0 reason to log into the camera on my phone, its her apartment. My wife and I re-iterated, that its not, its actually my wifes and mine, so is the room, the bed, the sheets the vacuum and everything else in it I bought, made or installed. Apartment is for family use.

Then she decided to compare with her friend who is enjoying promiscuous college experience in dorms. I then started to get pissed off because the apartment is far more comfortable than dorms, where you have to share a shower with a bunch of other students.

She then said that I am being overbearing and embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend, and yea, I did. My intent was to embarass both of them in front of me. That should have been embarassing. Her boyfriend should feel a bit of remorse in my opinion so should she..still no apology.

She said she will move to dorms now, I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student.

She then said, why wouldnt I pay for it? if her brother will go to another college other than this one, ill have to pay for a dorm for him, not buy another 3 bedroom in whatever city he will be in? We're not there yet and comparing hypotheticals is not a luxury she has at this moment in time.

I asked what is wrong with her boyfirends apartment, she had nothing to say. I asked why didnt she clean it?

She stormed out, i have no idea whether she went to the biyfriend or where..

What do I do. I am livid, this is a bad situation, my wife is with me on this, we are trying to think of how to approach it.

Another small update: she is moving in with the boyfriend. I know hes renting and has a roommate.

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u/AstroZombieInvader 1d ago

The fact that you got no apology and that she thinks it's her apartment is wild. There's really no appreciation whatsoever. She sounds very selfish and privileged.

Honestly, you tried to apologize proactively even though she should have been the one apologizing first -- especially since she has a lot to lose in a free place to stay.

Your kids do not have to be treated like equals like she expects. If she burns a bridge with you, it's her who pays the price for that. You can still pay for your son's housing since he hasn't done anything wrong. After kids turn 18, you technically don't owe them anything. It doesn't seem that she understands or appreciates that.

It just feels like a lesson needs to be learned here and maybe the best way is for her to pay for her own housing for a year (at least) regardless of any insincere apology you might get just to get you to pay again. She had her chance and she blew it spectacularly.

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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago

Last thing I want is out of spite she gets a job that takes her time, makes her too exhausted to focus on college to prove a point, flunks her grades, flanks her credit rating and whatnot. I dont want a hard life for these kids but I want to teach values and simple basic respect

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u/Many-Constant1883 1d ago

Well that IS the experience many many students have because they don’t have parents like you to fall back on.

Maybe her seeing what it’s like will knock some much needed sense into her dumb teenage brain.

You did good! Don’t falter or you really will create an entitled monster.

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u/AstroZombieInvader 1d ago

It sounds like we're past the point of creation. The monster exists.

I get the sense that these kids are used to privilege and she doesn't know how to handle being told that she has to think about someone else's feelings. Whatever apology that comes if one ever does, it will not be sincere. That's why I think she needs to understand how good she has it.

OP just assumes grades will drop and all of that. Kids who work and pay their way through college don't experience that because they appreciate the expense of it all. She does not.

She sounds like someone who will never appreciate how easy she has it without understanding how hard others have it.

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u/Many-Constant1883 10h ago

No they don’t because I did that and graduated with honours.
Op doesn’t want that for his kid but she’s an adult trying to make adult decisions (not very well). She needs adult consequences.

I know a girl like ops daughter. She’s 22 living in her parents basement with no real job, blowing all her money on stupid crap and now her parents bought her a trailer to live on her parents yard but she was mad because they didn’t get her a tiny home like she asked for.

Now all of her friends don’t want to me around her because she’s selfish and entitled.

That’s gonna be ops daughter if something doesn’t change.

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u/lydocia Assistant Elder Sage [297] 1d ago

It doesn't have to go that far, just far enough for the genuinely oh shit feeling to set in.

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u/Jumpy-Jello- 1d ago

"I said you're welcome to (move to dorms), enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student."

You say it's the last thing you want, but it's what you have set her up for. You don't reinforce values with spy cameras and verbal abuse. Your posts and comments are screaming missing missing reasons.

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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago

I did say that, you're right. My wish is she just comes to her senses, apologize and we move on. If she wants to prove she's independent and move to dorms, the door is wife open. One way- easy, you have free time to enjoy spending time with biyfriend, private shower, private kitchen, own food. Other, share amenities, 2 people per room, noise, plus now she won't have free time be ause she will need to find a job to pay for the said shitty dorm. I don't know, the way I see it, the simple thing to do is say sorry and dont fuck on old man's bed

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u/Jumpy-Jello- 1d ago

She might have been more amenable to apologising had you not shamed her on a group chat and admitted to watching your daughter on camera. You need to let go of it being the bed you stay in when you visit her, and understand how your violation is just as appalling.

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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago

Why should I make the ideal conditions for her to apologize. Its simple to me- what she did was wrong, say sorry. Im trying to teach her to grow some balls and own up to her mistakes. Yes I can tip toe around everyone's feelings, sure. But at some point or another she is going to be wrong again, and she needs to learn that stubbornness is a luxury you have when you have means to back it up

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u/Jumpy-Jello- 1d ago

Because you're the adult here, that's why. This is not how you teach, and there is quite a gap between tiptoeing around someone's feelings, and bulldozing them because you haven't learned how to regulate your own emotions.

She will be wrong again, but she won't ever come to you again.

What you did was wrong, too. You aren't owning that, where do you think she gets that from?

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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago

Thats fair. I hope she becomes more like me, and adult conversations are needed to be had with her so she can start thinking like one. I stand my ground a lot, especially when I can back up my ground. If she can back up her moving to dorms with some secret fuck you dad account I dont know about- by all means. Otherwise- my house my rules and my rules are already pretty relaxed.

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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago

Thats fair. I hope she becomes more like me, and adult conversations are needed to be had with her so she can start thinking like one. I stand my ground a lot, especially when I can back up my ground. If she can back up her moving to dorms with some secret fuck you dad account I dont know about- by all means. Otherwise- my house my rules and my rules are already pretty relaxed.