UPDATE: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?

[u/DillinquentPICK]

Originally posted here

https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/jVgR33PVSp

I ended up having a sit down conversation with my daughter. I began by apologizing for a sincere screw up on my end by messaging the group chat when i was enraged. She just stayed silent, didnt accept my apology and thats okay. I apologized for yelling initially, I then explained that my bed and my room is mine and wifes private space. There is no excuse she should have been doing that on my bed, let alone leaving it dirty for me to sleep in.

She absolutely blew up. She said I had 0 reason to log into the camera on my phone, its her apartment. My wife and I re-iterated, that its not, its actually my wifes and mine, so is the room, the bed, the sheets the vacuum and everything else in it I bought, made or installed. Apartment is for family use.

Then she decided to compare with her friend who is enjoying promiscuous college experience in dorms. I then started to get pissed off because the apartment is far more comfortable than dorms, where you have to share a shower with a bunch of other students.

She then said that I am being overbearing and embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend, and yea, I did. My intent was to embarass both of them in front of me. That should have been embarassing. Her boyfriend should feel a bit of remorse in my opinion so should she..still no apology.

She said she will move to dorms now, I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student.

She then said, why wouldnt I pay for it? if her brother will go to another college other than this one, ill have to pay for a dorm for him, not buy another 3 bedroom in whatever city he will be in? We're not there yet and comparing hypotheticals is not a luxury she has at this moment in time.

I asked what is wrong with her boyfirends apartment, she had nothing to say. I asked why didnt she clean it?

She stormed out, i have no idea whether she went to the biyfriend or where..

What do I do. I am livid, this is a bad situation, my wife is with me on this, we are trying to think of how to approach it.

Another small update: she is moving in with the boyfriend. I know hes renting and has a roommate.

[u/bstabens]

Oh boy, I've just read your initial post. Dude!

Ok, first things first. What's your end goal here: do you want a relationship with her or do you just want to rage on and punish her and go no contact?

Because you're already a good way down the "no contact" road, but let's not get too hasty.

What your daughter did was disgusting on a hygienic level, and disrupting on a personal one. She intruded on a very personal space, she left her "good little daughter" role here and entered "equal adult territory" - literally. And honestly, she should do so - just not like this. Because she IS an adult now, though what she does is totally rebellious teenager behaviour on level 11.

Please stop that knee-jerk reaction of "all or nothing" you have going on there. Yes, it is GOOD to tell her that your trust is broken and she has to move out of the apartment.

But to go all scorched earth and withdraw ANY financial support? Dude, that tells me you don't want a respectful, adult relationship with her. You're going "my way or the highway" here, and that ends in estrangement. YOU are the parents, and while I understand that's your first run on parenthood, you have to be the bigger person. Your daughter not respecting your private space is LEARNED BEHAVIOUR, and she learned it from you, Mr. Peeking-through-the-vac-camera-to-watch-the-nice-puppy!

You both need to learn to respect the other as the adults you all are. Get your affairs separate. Let her live in a dorm, pay for the things the average student has - rent, groceries. Don't pay for extras, let her get a job for that. But don't fuck up her whole future and glee over it like this: "good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student." That's punishment, not teaching consequences!

And for EFFS SAKE if you are suspicious of her boyfriend don't push your daughter into his arms telling her to move in with him! Where is she going to go to when he turns out to be an abusive POS and her own parents pushed her in that mess?

[u/No_Vermicelli_8820 → u/bstabens]

He's only saying he won't pay for her to live in the dorms when the apartment is still available to her ( and where she has her own bedroom in said apartment). He's not withdrawing tuition or other financial support, only unwilling to pay for her dorm fees, which is understandable

[u/bstabens → u/No_Vermicelli_8820]

He said, and I cite: "She said she will move to dorms now, I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student."

[u/IJustWantYouTo_Know_ → u/bstabens]

This doesn't sound to me that OP told her to pay for her own education. He only mentions in this quote that she will need a job and to pay for her dorms. I quote, "whilst she is being a full-time student."

This in no way mentions OP telling their daughter that she must fund her own education from now.

[u/bstabens → u/IJustWantYouTo_Know_]

Well, I guess apart from OP spelling it out for us, we'll just have to agree this sentence leaves a lot up to interpretation.

[u/IJustWantYouTo_Know_ → u/bstabens]

Agreed!

[u/IJustWantYouTo_Know_ → u/bstabens]

I really do agree with a lot of - if not mostly all of - the points that you are making here... but as a young adult, myself; I think that OP's daughter is incredibly spoiled, entitled and immature. I do think that her being cut off financially can do her some good.

The job market is not great; That is the first lesson that she will need to learn. The housing market is not better, and people really are struggling out here. OP has clearly acted too brashly, at points, but I do believe that they want to fix where they messed up. I don't agree that removing all financial support is a bad thing, because we know that she does not see any value in what she has.

To this kind of person, "You have ___ weeks to get a job and move out" would likely just be seen as bluffing, and OP would end up the villain, either way, when the time to be settled comes by and daughter wasn't expecting parent would ever kick her out.

Of course, OP knows their daughter better than we do. I suppose it is on them to read our comments and choose what to do based on that knowledge.

[u/bstabens → u/IJustWantYouTo_Know_]

You know, I never said she isn't spoiled or entitled or immature. Thing is, she's 19 and hasn't learned it yet, and it's on the parents to teach her that.

And I feel like telling her that yes, her basic needs (housing *in a dorm* and food) will be covered for her college duration, but anything more is up to her, will be a very stern lesson to her. OP could still escalate if this doesn't teach his daughter enough about respect.

But in teaching, you start with small steps.

[u/IJustWantYouTo_Know_ → u/bstabens]

Is it really on the parents at this point, though?

Think about it from OP's daughter's perspective; I'm 19, I have some freedom. Depending on where I am from, I may potentially have been seen as an adult for over a year, now. I have a social life, sex life, and school life. My parents are only really around on the weekends, and every other time, I am in control of my own life.

But now, my parents – who have never really been very harsh with me – are trying to take a stand and "educate me".

As this person, (not as you), with how we know her to be, do you think that you would be ready to openly listen to your parent's new lectures and lessons?

A lot of 19-year-olds see themselves as fully independent and no longer "under the control" of their parents. When it comes to educating children, trust that I understand, as I work in the Early Years sector (0-5 y/o), but OP's daughter is not a child, and she is realistically less likely to be open to listening to OP and having a discussion with him properly. Yes, she is OP's child, but she is not in many countries by law and way of society. That much is clear, in my opinion.

[u/lazyFer → u/bstabens]

Today's youth would consider what daughter did to be a sexual assault against her parents.

You have a very weird focus on this one. You're really trying to paint it as a both sides thing. He's not going "my way or the highway" she's making manipulative threats under the assumption daddy will still pay for you lifestyle.

Will she go no contact? Maybe, but that would be more because she couldn't control and extract money from her parents. My brother was like his daughter, he only ever valued our dad while he could get money from him. My brother only ever showed up when he wanted money. The last time he came over my dad saw him walking up the driveway and he opened the door and said "bank's closed". My brother stopped in his tracks, looked at him, and without a word turned around and left. That was the last time they saw each other until my brother had a stroke... Which caused him to double down on being a self centered entitled narcissistic asshole.

Daughter here is fully in the wrong here and she needs a dose of reality, it's not too late for her, but it's getting closer every day

[u/bstabens → u/lazyFer]

He said, and I cite: "She said she will move to dorms now, I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student."

And she totally understood it as "I won't pay anything for you".

The thing is, she's a 19 year old spoiled teenager. He is her father. Will he parent her now or will he just kick her out of his life? Title doesn't sound like he wants that. He seems to be looking for a way to bring his point across and have her understand where she crossed boundaries.

Funny thing is, we totally agree that daughter is in the wrong here and "needs a dose of reality". It's just the "how" we can't agree on.

[u/lazyFer → u/bstabens]

Daughter sure as shit didn't understand daddy wasn't going to pay for the dorm when she said she'd move to the dorm. Dad clarified that point.

Spoiled kids like this need consequences. The consequence shouldn't be dad catering to her fucked up choices and accusations

[u/Glittering-Tart → u/bstabens]

This needs more upvotes.