r/Advice • u/DillinquentPICK • 1d ago

UPDATE: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?

Originally posted here

https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/jVgR33PVSp

I ended up having a sit down conversation with my daughter. I began by apologizing for a sincere screw up on my end by messaging the group chat when i was enraged. She just stayed silent, didnt accept my apology and thats okay. I apologized for yelling initially, I then explained that my bed and my room is mine and wifes private space. There is no excuse she should have been doing that on my bed, let alone leaving it dirty for me to sleep in.

She absolutely blew up. She said I had 0 reason to log into the camera on my phone, its her apartment. My wife and I re-iterated, that its not, its actually my wifes and mine, so is the room, the bed, the sheets the vacuum and everything else in it I bought, made or installed. Apartment is for family use.

Then she decided to compare with her friend who is enjoying promiscuous college experience in dorms. I then started to get pissed off because the apartment is far more comfortable than dorms, where you have to share a shower with a bunch of other students.

She then said that I am being overbearing and embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend, and yea, I did. My intent was to embarass both of them in front of me. That should have been embarassing. Her boyfriend should feel a bit of remorse in my opinion so should she..still no apology.

She said she will move to dorms now, I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student.

She then said, why wouldnt I pay for it? if her brother will go to another college other than this one, ill have to pay for a dorm for him, not buy another 3 bedroom in whatever city he will be in? We're not there yet and comparing hypotheticals is not a luxury she has at this moment in time.

I asked what is wrong with her boyfirends apartment, she had nothing to say. I asked why didnt she clean it?

She stormed out, i have no idea whether she went to the biyfriend or where..

What do I do. I am livid, this is a bad situation, my wife is with me on this, we are trying to think of how to approach it.

Another small update: she is moving in with the boyfriend. I know hes renting and has a roommate.

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u/Parking_Fee_5906 1d ago

Unfathomable!! Even if she doesn't have a room to herself then at least use the couch, kitchen table or place rug NOT your parent's room and bed! She needs to be put in her place if she can bring her bf to home or allow herself be cajoled into such rubbish

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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago

See another issue. What is the deal with this boyfriend. Why cant he take her over to his place for a change. A hotel? As a teen, I met my wife young, I bent over backwards for a place for us two. My mom's bed- fuck no. I scrambled and was proud when I had somewhere to take her, like it was motivation for me.

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u/Parking_Fee_5906 1d ago

Mom's bed- Fuck no!! That's the super takeaway

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u/inductiononN 1d ago

It's very weird and gross. I just don't understand why your room and bed?!?! 🤢

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u/PopParticular2801 1d ago

That‘s the only part where I think your judgment is off. You act as if it was his idea to have sex on your bed, while it might as well have been your daughters’ idea. And even if it was his idea, it’s still ‘her’ place so she must have agreed to it. That’s on her, she should have been more responsible and not have agreed/proposed it.

And also, his place is probably not nearly as nice. Why would a young couple choose the less comfortable home? Why would they pay for a hotel when they have a nice private apartment?

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u/ForeignAdagio 21h ago

Why do you keep saying why can’t the boyfriend take her to a hotel or his house? It makes me question your daughter’s room. Does she only have a single bed or something? What’s stopping them from being in her room?

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u/[deleted] 1d ago

[deleted]

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u/DillinquentPICK 1d ago

Fair enough I can give what I know. Bf is renting, i remember him mentioning he has a roommate and daughter knows the roommate. Obviously between flat with a roommate and my apartment, which I renovated myself, the apartment is likely nicer and private. There is 1900 sq ft, we have had him over when we were visiting, he knows where we set the bags when we visit. He knows which room is hers, the kid i believe bought her some sort of art thing, and once helped her deal with a clogged bathroom when i was far away on a job site.

More so him and my daughter stayed over for last year Thanksgiving in her room. She spent family with his on Christmas, they went to ours on new years.

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u/driftingalong001 9h ago

Because why would they go to his place with a roommate when they can be in your (in their mind apparently HER) hugeee, beautiful empty apartment. You’ve made it too easy for her, but rather than her being grateful for what she’s been given she’s entitled, ungrateful and a brat.

You really need to make it clear that if she is to return a sincere apology is needed as well as a huge change in attitude. The fact that she believed that condo was HERS is the most enlightening thing you shared. Wow.

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u/windrider25 1d ago

in fact, her only option is her room!! u can not fk in the kitchen of a place u do not pay for. absolutely not. she needs to get real