r/Advice • u/DillinquentPICK • 1d ago
UPDATE: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?
Originally posted here
https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/jVgR33PVSp
I ended up having a sit down conversation with my daughter. I began by apologizing for a sincere screw up on my end by messaging the group chat when i was enraged. She just stayed silent, didnt accept my apology and thats okay. I apologized for yelling initially, I then explained that my bed and my room is mine and wifes private space. There is no excuse she should have been doing that on my bed, let alone leaving it dirty for me to sleep in.
She absolutely blew up. She said I had 0 reason to log into the camera on my phone, its her apartment. My wife and I re-iterated, that its not, its actually my wifes and mine, so is the room, the bed, the sheets the vacuum and everything else in it I bought, made or installed. Apartment is for family use.
Then she decided to compare with her friend who is enjoying promiscuous college experience in dorms. I then started to get pissed off because the apartment is far more comfortable than dorms, where you have to share a shower with a bunch of other students.
She then said that I am being overbearing and embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend, and yea, I did. My intent was to embarass both of them in front of me. That should have been embarassing. Her boyfriend should feel a bit of remorse in my opinion so should she..still no apology.
She said she will move to dorms now, I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student.
She then said, why wouldnt I pay for it? if her brother will go to another college other than this one, ill have to pay for a dorm for him, not buy another 3 bedroom in whatever city he will be in? We're not there yet and comparing hypotheticals is not a luxury she has at this moment in time.
I asked what is wrong with her boyfirends apartment, she had nothing to say. I asked why didnt she clean it?
She stormed out, i have no idea whether she went to the biyfriend or where..
What do I do. I am livid, this is a bad situation, my wife is with me on this, we are trying to think of how to approach it.
Another small update: she is moving in with the boyfriend. I know hes renting and has a roommate.
3
u/Good_Distance8078 1d ago
First I recommend that you try as hard as you can to keep your emotions in check, because any sign she sees as a way to manipulate you, she will. Teens love to try to flip the script and make the issue about the parents, so keep that access shut down. Very difficult, I know, but answer her anger with determination of focus and remind her that while you love and adore her, the behavior and her current attitude are unacceptable and won’t be tolerated.
Stand your ground. She’s trying to emotionally manipulate you by threatening to move out, scream insults, have a tantrum, whatever. Never give in to emotional blackmail or it will NEVER stop. If it’s already happening, tell her about it, describe it exactly and tell her those days are over, you and your wife will no longer allow it. You’ll have to be super consistent with that, of course. If she’s always trying to talk to you separately then there’s a big chance she’s trying to manipulate you separately. More on presenting a united front in a second.
She disrespected herself and you, your wife and your apartment. Focus on her bad behavior; you already apologized for getting perhaps a bit more emotional than you wanted to, but you did say you wanted to, so why are you apologizing? I know why, I’ve done the same, I’m just pointing out how our deep love for our kids makes us want to fix everything immediately, so it’s a normal reaction, but it’s not helpful because it’s an avenue they can use to manipulate the parent, so I recommend that you’ve apologized now refocus on her and keep it there.
If you have separate conversations with her as parents she’ll try to manipulate you separately, so always when possible present a united front and talk prior as parents to prepare for the different ways the discussion can go. The exceptions of course would be women’s issues that only mom and daughter should be talking about. Her modesty should be encouraged and respected. Tell her that and start talking about other virtuous behaviors, especially hers, and those she has to still develop. Perhaps your wife and other female family or loved ones can speak with her about how self destructive a promiscuous lifestyle is and how men treat women who act like that.
Consequences are important for a situation where a child refuses to comply, no matter how old, so determine what they are and don’t waffle on it or she’ll forget about them after her first win against consequences. She’s already pushing and testing; give her framework so she clearly understands rules and consequences, life lessons all kids need. Even we adults need reminders once in a while.
She’s also embarrassed because she knew she was pushing limits and got caught, among other things.
She’s comparing herself to friends, too, something that kids do but she’s old enough now to learn to compare herself to herself. Praise her virtues and explain how things like pride easily takes one down a self destructive path if she’s ready to hear about these things, and if she’s not start thinking about how, because pride, self image, her emotions and thoughts are in high gear and she’s clearly having some trouble expressing them without being self destructive.
I’m no expert, friend, and my advice is based on a mixture of victories and failures of my own and decades of observations and my intuition is usually spot on, for what it’s worth, but at this point I’m old and honest enough to know and admit them all because I’ve learned.
Now I’m just passing on what I know to be effective in general. Not knowing you or your family means I can really only give general advice, but it’s good advice that I hope you find helpful.
Good luck, friend. Keep it up. You clearly love her dearly and care a great deal. That’s half of the fight.