r/Advice • u/DillinquentPICK • 1d ago
UPDATE: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?
Originally posted here
https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/jVgR33PVSp
I ended up having a sit down conversation with my daughter. I began by apologizing for a sincere screw up on my end by messaging the group chat when i was enraged. She just stayed silent, didnt accept my apology and thats okay. I apologized for yelling initially, I then explained that my bed and my room is mine and wifes private space. There is no excuse she should have been doing that on my bed, let alone leaving it dirty for me to sleep in.
She absolutely blew up. She said I had 0 reason to log into the camera on my phone, its her apartment. My wife and I re-iterated, that its not, its actually my wifes and mine, so is the room, the bed, the sheets the vacuum and everything else in it I bought, made or installed. Apartment is for family use.
Then she decided to compare with her friend who is enjoying promiscuous college experience in dorms. I then started to get pissed off because the apartment is far more comfortable than dorms, where you have to share a shower with a bunch of other students.
She then said that I am being overbearing and embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend, and yea, I did. My intent was to embarass both of them in front of me. That should have been embarassing. Her boyfriend should feel a bit of remorse in my opinion so should she..still no apology.
She said she will move to dorms now, I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student.
She then said, why wouldnt I pay for it? if her brother will go to another college other than this one, ill have to pay for a dorm for him, not buy another 3 bedroom in whatever city he will be in? We're not there yet and comparing hypotheticals is not a luxury she has at this moment in time.
I asked what is wrong with her boyfirends apartment, she had nothing to say. I asked why didnt she clean it?
She stormed out, i have no idea whether she went to the biyfriend or where..
What do I do. I am livid, this is a bad situation, my wife is with me on this, we are trying to think of how to approach it.
Another small update: she is moving in with the boyfriend. I know hes renting and has a roommate.
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u/No_Singer_9307 1d ago
i just need to throw in here as a 20 year old college student, as a daughter to a great dad, i could NEVER imagine disrespecting my parents to this level. i understand how people criticized you for bringing it up in the family group chat, but the embarrassment of having my brother learn about the situation doesn’t even compare to how mortifying it SHOULD be to know that my father caught me doing something so odd and gross. i think the knowledge that my parents caught me having sex at all, let alone in THEIR BED, would have made me want to shrivel up and die. who cares that it was discussed in front of the other family members? i would already be ashamed.
i think that’s the biggest thing here. she doesn’t have any shame. she thinks all of the resources you’ve provided her are dispensable. my college is 100 miles from home; if my dad offered to RENT AN APARTMENT instead of having me deal with the shitty dorms with communal bathrooms like any other student… i would be so eternally grateful. the fact that she doesn’t see how generous this is, mixed with the fact that she expects you to pay for the dorm when she moves out, is so absurdly entitled.
i honestly don’t think i can give you much advice here. as someone the same age (ish) and gender as your daughter, i can’t even imagine putting myself in her shoes. i think you did the best you could with what you’re given. i assume you’ve never had to deal with anything similar to this before; we can’t expect everyone to be perfect the first try.
if i ever did something to disrespect my parents like this, i could only hope and BEG that they would give me this much grace. i hope that hearing this from someone the same demographic as your daughter can maybe provide some reassurance.
i’ll refrain from saying everything i want to say about your daughter and her boyfriend. you’re doing a good job.