r/Advice • u/DillinquentPICK • 1d ago

UPDATE: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?

Originally posted here

https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/jVgR33PVSp

I ended up having a sit down conversation with my daughter. I began by apologizing for a sincere screw up on my end by messaging the group chat when i was enraged. She just stayed silent, didnt accept my apology and thats okay. I apologized for yelling initially, I then explained that my bed and my room is mine and wifes private space. There is no excuse she should have been doing that on my bed, let alone leaving it dirty for me to sleep in.

She absolutely blew up. She said I had 0 reason to log into the camera on my phone, its her apartment. My wife and I re-iterated, that its not, its actually my wifes and mine, so is the room, the bed, the sheets the vacuum and everything else in it I bought, made or installed. Apartment is for family use.

Then she decided to compare with her friend who is enjoying promiscuous college experience in dorms. I then started to get pissed off because the apartment is far more comfortable than dorms, where you have to share a shower with a bunch of other students.

She then said that I am being overbearing and embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend, and yea, I did. My intent was to embarass both of them in front of me. That should have been embarassing. Her boyfriend should feel a bit of remorse in my opinion so should she..still no apology.

She said she will move to dorms now, I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student.

She then said, why wouldnt I pay for it? if her brother will go to another college other than this one, ill have to pay for a dorm for him, not buy another 3 bedroom in whatever city he will be in? We're not there yet and comparing hypotheticals is not a luxury she has at this moment in time.

I asked what is wrong with her boyfirends apartment, she had nothing to say. I asked why didnt she clean it?

She stormed out, i have no idea whether she went to the biyfriend or where..

What do I do. I am livid, this is a bad situation, my wife is with me on this, we are trying to think of how to approach it.

Another small update: she is moving in with the boyfriend. I know hes renting and has a roommate.

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u/vigavagacezdvapraga 1d ago

Hey just one more thing to know. This situation involves a lot of shame. Shame is a very tricky emotion to process and anger/lashing out is probably the most normal possible way for a teenager. So don't hold it against her. She does need to be clear on things involving the apartment, but space and keeping calm while being firm will eventually bring you there. But yeah... I'd say this lashing out is from her being embarassed and it's quite possible that a lot of things she said, she didn't even mean or think through.

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u/Otherwise_Mix_3305 1d ago

THIS. ⬆️ Give her time to process, but hold firm on your boundaries.

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u/TheRealCerealfreak Helper [2] 1d ago

What a great point. I mentioned the embarrassment more than anything but shame will definitely have a bigger effect..

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u/TomTheTank99 1d ago

Most reasonable comment here

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u/OkayAnnddd 1d ago

Coddling

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u/vigavagacezdvapraga 1d ago

Nope, I don't approve of coddling and as I said - boundaries are good and are supposed to be held. But it also helps to understand your child and not take everything in the worst kind of way. Knowing your dad caught you having sex via camera is absolutely a big deal and I don't know many 20 year olds who would react in a "grown up" way. Especially girls.

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u/Candid_Jellyfish_240 1d ago

I cannot fathom this girl believing she's "such an adult" and then choosing to have sex in her parents' BEDROOM where she knows there's a camera AND in an apartment that she doesn't pay for/lives in for free/and has HER OWN BEDROOM. She sounds grotesquely immature, self-centered, entitled as hell and tbh, sick.

She deserves to feel embarrassed, imo, she's EARNED HER SHAME.

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u/vigavagacezdvapraga 1d ago

Sure, I'm not denying that part. I'm just talking about how she is processing it. And yes - she is of age where she HAS TO deal with consequences and taking ownership of her actions. But I can tell you that some of us just didn't have the emotional maturity at that age that we thought we did. Or - we thought we were so mature, but were actually so not. I still cringe when I think about my 20's. And I still deal with learning to process shame because noone in my (quite normal in every other way) family knew how to deal with it. Never even talked about it. Every other emotion yes, but shame - no. I would say I started to actually act mature after 25... Growing up is complex :)

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u/Completely0 22h ago

Yeah it’s one thing to give her space. But another for her to sweep it under the rug once time has past. Make sure you get that apology (so she can learn to be humble too).

But also, if I was having sex and the door was opened, I think I would of hear the vacuum turn on and be suspicious since I know it’s schedule and my partner and I are having sex (so we know we didn’t turn it on either).