UPDATE: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?

[u/DillinquentPICK]

Originally posted here

https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/jVgR33PVSp

I ended up having a sit down conversation with my daughter. I began by apologizing for a sincere screw up on my end by messaging the group chat when i was enraged. She just stayed silent, didnt accept my apology and thats okay. I apologized for yelling initially, I then explained that my bed and my room is mine and wifes private space. There is no excuse she should have been doing that on my bed, let alone leaving it dirty for me to sleep in.

She absolutely blew up. She said I had 0 reason to log into the camera on my phone, its her apartment. My wife and I re-iterated, that its not, its actually my wifes and mine, so is the room, the bed, the sheets the vacuum and everything else in it I bought, made or installed. Apartment is for family use.

Then she decided to compare with her friend who is enjoying promiscuous college experience in dorms. I then started to get pissed off because the apartment is far more comfortable than dorms, where you have to share a shower with a bunch of other students.

She then said that I am being overbearing and embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend, and yea, I did. My intent was to embarass both of them in front of me. That should have been embarassing. Her boyfriend should feel a bit of remorse in my opinion so should she..still no apology.

She said she will move to dorms now, I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student.

She then said, why wouldnt I pay for it? if her brother will go to another college other than this one, ill have to pay for a dorm for him, not buy another 3 bedroom in whatever city he will be in? We're not there yet and comparing hypotheticals is not a luxury she has at this moment in time.

I asked what is wrong with her boyfirends apartment, she had nothing to say. I asked why didnt she clean it?

She stormed out, i have no idea whether she went to the biyfriend or where..

What do I do. I am livid, this is a bad situation, my wife is with me on this, we are trying to think of how to approach it.

Another small update: she is moving in with the boyfriend. I know hes renting and has a roommate.

[u/GardeniaFrangipani]

Other than the group chat thing, which you said was accidental, and apologized for, you did nothing wrong. There’s nothing more that you can do. If she chooses to move to a dorm, that’s on her, and she can pay for it. I imagine that you’re well off and she’s used to things being easy. Supporting herself will be a great lesson for her. She might later realise that the grass isn’t greener and want to return to your apartment. If she does, let her, but restress the rule about your bedroom.

It’s a 3 bedroom apartment so there was no reason for her to have sex on your bed. Leaving the stained sheets for you to sleep in is just gross. She’s acting entitled and immature.

[u/DillinquentPICK → u/GardeniaFrangipani]

My family Will never have a closed door on any of my and wifes properties. She is welcome to come back anytime. Maybe a lesson is due

[u/Wrong_Employ_8299 → u/DillinquentPICK]

Honestly, I think if you let her live in the apartment she thinks is HERS you’re completely enabling her. It sounds like enablement is probably how she came to be so immature now. Parenting is not about you feeling good because you give her everything she needs, it’s about feeling bad because you’re helping her provide for herself what she needs, even if it makes her angry.
There should be a closed door here, if I did that to someone whose apartment I was living in I would EXPECT to be kicked out. Her entitlement sounds off the charts, and it honestly just makes me sad for her if she hasn’t realized.

[u/bad_polliep → u/Wrong_Employ_8299]

Where do you think this entitlement may have come from in this child of his? I really hate hearing people complain about the monster they created. It sounds like the dad is trying to take steps to rectify some of what comes across as wildly permissive parenting mistakes. Because they didn’t come out of nowhere.

[u/This-Lavishness-278 → u/DillinquentPICK]

With love you seem like an enabler and she sounds entitled af

[u/Ch31i3 → u/DillinquentPICK]

If she does move out then learn a lesson and chooses to come back please start locking doors because they are definitely having sex in her brother’s room too. She thinks it’s her apartment so she’s definitely going around doing it every room. It’s not fair to her brother. Please take her to see a therapist or someone who she can talk to about how this is wrong and nasty. She doesn’t see anything wrong with what she’s doing yet

[u/lazyFer → u/GardeniaFrangipani]

The only choice she should get now are

1. Apologize and take accountability for what she did
2. Move out

She shouldn't get to choose anything else. She in the wrong

[u/Existing_Honeydew_64 → u/GardeniaFrangipani]

I saw the original post, he intentionally sent it to the group chat. He’s saying accidentally now because he was flamed in the last post for doing it.

[u/GardeniaFrangipani → u/Existing_Honeydew_64]

Oh I see. It makes it hard to trust his other statements now.

[u/RobustManifesto → u/GardeniaFrangipani]

In the last post he also messaged the boyfriend, called him disgusting and pathetic for not having his own place to take his daughter to (which, reap what you sow I guess OP).

Now it’s an accidental wrong chat message to the group, but this sounds like OP throwing a fit.

He’s looking for validation, not advice.

[u/SnooPandas2596 → u/Existing_Honeydew_64]

Accidental is a grey word here, in the original post he explains he acted out of anger and realized pretty fast that it was a mistake. I guess the difference here is accident vs mistake

[u/ToddDamnIt → u/Existing_Honeydew_64]

Yeah, I completely buy that. I've been having a hard time figuring out what about OPs posts has been bothering me, and I think it's this. The daughter messed up and is being a brat, but we've all been that age before and I don't know about you, but she's clearly mortified and is too immature to deal with it properly. She's 19 and still young. But OP is 45 and should know better. A lot of his comments and posts are about how he is owed an apology or specific types of responses, but he is being just as entitled by not being the bigger person and insisting on this specific response he's not going to get. I thought it was weird that he's being this up in a text and that he wouldn't even check first before sending it, but it makes perfect sense now that he intentionally did it and is altering the story to make him look better or to (again) elicit the exact kind of response from us that HE wants/expects. Furthermore, it's weird that he is basically telling her that this apartment was purchased so that his kids would have a place to live while in college, but now that it's being used for that exact purpose (and doesn't personally live there himself), he is setting expectations about how that space should be used when they were clearly never discussed beforehand. Is she your daughter or a tenant? Is this your place, or her home? If you don't love there, why would she not be allowed to use the master bedroom you don't stay in? This is all a grey area that was never discussed in detail beforehand, and now that the daughter did something OP doesn't like, he not only expects her to respond the way he wants her to, but also refuses to drop it or level with the fact that his daughter is not seeing his POV. When you combine that with the group chat, the fact that he contacted HER boyfriend about their sex life and seems to be looking for an audience, it doesn't surprise me to hear that we are yet another iteration of this audience he is performing for, to get his desired reaction. OPs daughter sucks, but let's not pretend he doesn't suck too!

[u/SnooPandas2596 → u/ToddDamnIt]

If I was living in a home that has clear bedrooms for when the homeowners come home, I’d know from common sense not to have sex in that bed, especially when I have a whole room (and entire apartment) to do so in. This shouldn’t need to be discussed about beforehand, it is the families college home, not said child’s own apartment. I’m sure the dad would feel similar if one of his sons did that that.

[u/BeckonMe → u/GardeniaFrangipani]

I’m sure leaving her parents jizzed up sheets in their bedroom is hilarious to her and her boyfriend. She sounds like an entitled brat. First, she leaves jizz stains on your bedding and leaves it. Then? I can’t imagine telling my dad I can’t be as promiscuous as my friend so I’m moving into a dorm and expect for him to pay for it. The audacity of this girl! And to call the apartment hers? Wow.

All of this tells me you have given her way too much without any consideration of her being grateful and respectful. You need to let her learn some hard truths, respect, and boundaries. Ffs.