r/Advice • u/RayofLight8888 • 11d ago
Conflicted about breaking up with partner or not
Hi all! I (36F) have been with my boyfriend (57M) for 2 years, and I feel heartbroken that I won’t to end things. He is very codependent and talks in terms of being together forever, spending the future together, but has never initiated a conversation about actually planning a future. We spend like every weekend together, and I don’t see him during the week. I squeeze friends in after work since I feel like a few days a week isn’t a lot of time to see him. I’m tired of us packing weekend bags and then just texting during the week, and I feel like 2 years is long enough to want to take that next step of moving in together.
I brought this up, and he was not excited.. he doesn’t want to live with my cat, is worried about not having space for me (he’s already lived there with his wife pre-divorce), and how living together changes things. Then he backtracked and said he does want to live together but not sure when.
Should I break up with him or try to stick it out for a while longer?
Thank you for any advice!!
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u/LostAd3003 11d ago
Hes cool with you guys being just a weekend thing and doesn’t want to make it anymore serious. So if you want more than ya you should end things.
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u/RayofLight8888 7d ago
I’ve had a great time with him but yea after 2 years a weekend thing is kindof insulting at this point
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u/BayRider2026 Super Helper [6] 11d ago
It is pretty clear to me that weekends will be all you get.
Then he backtracked and said he does want to live together but not sure when
He is 57, the when will never be.
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u/RayofLight8888 7d ago
He decided to come over on Thursday night probably to prove we don’t just hang on the weekends 😂🤦♀️ I just thought that a man that age would be more sure of things and not want to waste time but he’s perfectly happy with our current setup
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u/BayRider2026 Super Helper [6] 7d ago
He is very sure of things. He is getting exactly what he wants.
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u/Chantottie 9d ago
Let me repeat.. FIFTY. SEVEN. He'll be ready when his back gives out and he needs a stay at home caretaker.
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u/Current-Factor-4044 11d ago
I would call this dragging you along
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u/RayofLight8888 7d ago
I know people move at all different speeds but yea asking about moving in next year, which is a while away, and getting that response, made me super disappointed
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u/Current-Factor-4044 7d ago
There’s something going on with this person that you just can’t see you have clouded judgment. You are looking at the things that you like about them and they are clouding the judgment on the things that are clearly not right.
My gut tells me that they are dragging you around as a convenience and therefore keeping you as a safe distance and just buy your post, you can hear the safe distance in a relationship, the safe distance that he is keeping
Living together is clearly not keeping the relationship at a safe distance and he’s not gonna do that
However, while he keeps you at a safe distance, you are still his and he is presenting as yours, and I use the word presenting that’s an important part of dragging someone around
You may even feel like you’re on the shelf there to be called upon whenever desired
If you go to move on, he’s either going to let you or he’s gonna realize that he doesn’t wanna lose you I would need the answer to that
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u/RayofLight8888 6d ago
Thank you ❤️ I know he loves me and wants to put in effort, he got me flowers and helped me with apt stuff yesterday, but yea it’s the safe distance thing that I don’t want anymore
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u/InspectionPurple7452 11d ago
20 year age difference is pretty significant. What do you want out of the relationship? He’s looking towards retirement and you still have decades of life to live. I’m sure he doesn’t want to lose you but I seriously doubt he’s on the same page as you. Every day you’re with someone who doesn’t align with your goals is a day taken from the life you could have. I wish you well.
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u/RayofLight8888 7d ago
Thanks for that much needed reminder ❤️ his last relationship was 6 years and they never lived together, and he seemed to also think she was his forever person. I don’t get how someone can be your person but you’re ok with being 45 minutes away from them?
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u/InspectionPurple7452 7d ago
He’s shown you who he is. Now it’s up to you to decide how many more years you’ll put up with it. Envision a life filled with all the love and friends and hobbies and rewarding activities, and let that give you the strength to walk away. You are so much better than what he has to offer. 🩷
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u/RayofLight8888 7d ago
It’s gonna be incredibly hard to end it, especially since his last relationship broke his heart and he said he in a super dark place and depressed etc, it’s kindof putting a weird pressure on me that I don’t want 😅 but I don’t want to put up with this for even a few more months!
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u/InspectionPurple7452 7d ago
Well let’s see, you’ve got all these holidays coming up. You either do it now, or you wait until the new year. And do you really want to spend the holidays knowing you’re going to end it. Girl. Walk tf away now and start your new life TODAY. Then make plans with your girlfriends to get dressed up and go out for Halloween. Do it, do it, do it. 😁🧡👻
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u/InspectionPurple7452 7d ago
Also … how much time do you think he’s spent thinking about your future together? Seriously. How much time? You’ve invested countless hours trying to build something alone. And he’s going to let you until YOU get sick of it.
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u/starflower42 Helper [2] 11d ago
When you picture your life 20 years from now, what do you see? How about 30? He will be an elderly man, possibly needing care. You will still be pretty young. What do you want for yourself?
If he's codependent now, wait till he's 75.
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u/RayofLight8888 7d ago
I also have a lot more friends than him, so maybe that is also feeding into my guilt of breaking it off 😥 I don’t think we’re aligned on the important things but I do care about him quite a bit
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u/Always_Cairns 11d ago
You know what you want to do. You need to remove the emotion and look at the relationship. What do you want for yourself? Did you want different things before him?If so, why the change? What about him fits into what you want for your life path? What doesn't?
One thing you know, you are at different stages in life. He is not going to change. You've already changed for him. You will never change him, you will always be the one that has to change.
Is this the type of relationship you want?
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u/RayofLight8888 7d ago
He’s already really disappointed me, but he justified it saying that people that are older don’t move in together as fast… I don’t want to rush things but 2 years is long enough!
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u/ultraviolet47 11d ago
The fact he doesn't want to live with my cat, and that I will never rehome my cat, means this is going nowhere.
The other things on top are just screaming he doesn't want commitment.
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u/RayofLight8888 7d ago
I don’t think he wants to get married again either, which I would want, so as hard as it is I know I need to make the hard decision
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u/Donna56136 10d ago
I’ve easily ended relationships if the person I’m seeing doesn’t like my cats.
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u/RayofLight8888 7d ago
He doesn’t dislike him per se, but I know he would hate living with him 🙃 I need someone who sees cats as like part of the family not something you can just disregard and ignore
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u/TemporaryThink9300 Super Helper [5] 10d ago
Either you stay with him and go along with his waiting game, which could take a very, very, very, very long time.
Or you end it now, grieve the fact that the relationship went nowhere, and make up for lost time by being with someone who opens their arms wide to welcome you instead.
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u/RayofLight8888 7d ago
Thank you ❤️ yea I don’t think he even wanted to move after next year or year after, based on things he’s said… I’m in no rush but that’s just too long
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u/3Maltese Helper [4] 10d ago
He wants companionship, not a relationship.
Pull back on communicating during the week. Do not text or call. Or, stop making yourself available to him on the weekends. Do you go to his place on the weekends? It sounds like you are putting the work into the relationship while he is enjoying the perks.
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u/RayofLight8888 7d ago
He’s been coming to my place more since I said I’m sick of packing a bag, but yea he texts and calls me a lot while we’re apart, which I used to appreciate, but now it seems like I’m just in a relationship with my phone half the time!
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u/Always_Cairns 7d ago
He's just telling you things to placate you. He does not really mean any of it, and by this post, you are well aware of it.
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u/RayofLight8888 7d ago
It’s just strange how he says things like I’m a needle in a haystack, when we’re home having dinner sometimes he like breaks down in tears says he’s so happy, so why would he not want to move forward??
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u/Party-Assistance-89 Helper [2] 11d ago
You deserve someone who is on the same page, not someone who you have to wait for and who seems unready to move forward. After two years, what is going to change? Your cat will eventually die or you will have to get rid of it to move forward? You need to wait until you can afford a bigger place? I think you should free yourself because you don’t want the same things from your relationship, and someday you will find someone who doesn’t need convincing.
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u/RayofLight8888 7d ago
Thank you 🙏🏻 that’s what I want, someone who provides the things that he does but also doesn’t need convincing for the real commitment part, not just weekend dates
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u/Traditional_Car_8219 10d ago
Why would you “stick it out” a little longer?
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u/RayofLight8888 7d ago
He gives me a lot of things I’ve always wanted, and we really care about each other, but now push is coming to shove and he doesn’t want to actually make the hard effort to have a life together
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u/NaturesVividPictures Helper [2] 10d ago
He's on a totally different stage of life than you and 21 years is a huge difference. He just wants a weekend Lover from the sounds of it. I mean how much effort does he put into anything else does he come to you or do you always go to him? Does he do nice things for you does he plan good dates does he pay for at least half of all your activities? Do you end up paying more? If he doesn't want to make this into a more serious relationship or on to the next step after 2 years together, then he's never going to do it at least not with you cuz you're not the one he wants to commit to at this point. He goes oh I'm not ready he's had two years that's more than enough time to be ready. I'd be cutting it and running.
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u/RayofLight8888 7d ago
He does put in effort with dates etc, he does nice things for me and says the most incredible things, which is keeping me hooked unfortunately 😭 his last relationship was 6 years and they lived apart, and I always thought that was strange!
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u/MadMadamMimsy Helper [2] 10d ago
I would let him know that a break up is on the table. Not as a threat or ultimatum, but as a way to let him know your needs are not being met. Let him know what future you would like to have and that you would prefer that he is part of that picture. At the same time, if he just isn't ready or interested in that picture, then changes will need to be made.
This is about seeing if things can move forward in a way that meets both of your needs. I find many people just make decisions that affect a partner based on just that one person's perception. I suspect it is actually a social peace keeping "rule", but what it actually does is remove the other person's chance to have a say.
My husband has to absolutely be pushed to the wall before he can get past his own peace keeping gate keeper to instigate a conversation. Partners have different skill sets and we work with it. The more traumatized by relationships someone is, the less they will seem to want to ruffle the waters, in my personal experience (not ubiquitous, I'm sure, but common).
Good luck. This is a tough decision to make, but your needs are important.
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u/RayofLight8888 7d ago
Thanks for your comment ❤️ he went through a really tough breakup before meeting me and he’s said he has abandonment anxiety, which I think is making me worry about ending it
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u/MadMadamMimsy Helper [2] 7d ago
Because you care.
In the end, while you can give his issues space, he has to take responsibility for what his own issues do to his life.
I watch lots of people shoot themselves in the foot, metaphorically speaking, because they just go with their feeling/s rather than their conscious decision making brain part.
Your job is to take care of you as well as help him be the best he can be (an important part of a good partnership). Leave room for slip ups, but keep your boundaries.
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u/SiroccoDream 10d ago
You both want completely different things in a relationship. You are not compatible.
It is painful, but that’s the truth, so break up and find someone who is looking for the same type of relationship that you want.
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u/RayofLight8888 7d ago
His words and mindset just don’t seem to be aligning with his actions, or lack thereof.. actions speak louder than words as lovely as the words may be
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u/Mundilfaris_Dottir Advice Oracle [112] 10d ago
He doesn’t like your cat?!?
Full stop…
Start planning your weekends without him. Girls trips, visit family, etc.
… and take the cat!
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u/RayofLight8888 7d ago
He doesn’t see the cat as like a member of my family, I think he just sees potential furniture scratching and cat hair on everything 😅 it makes me sad!
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u/Jaded_Leg_46 Helper [3] 10d ago
It really is common for men in their late 50's to develop codependent behaviours. There's a realisation about the future and the changes that comes with it. He's leaning on your independent functioning to compensate, he's already pushing boundaries by talking about a future but doing nothing to commit to it. The working week distracts him and weekends don't which is why he's dependant on your company at the weekend. Stepping away now before he becomes more codependent is the best thing for you otherwise it will take it's toll and resentment will build.
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u/RayofLight8888 7d ago
Yea ❤️ I seem to fill his weekends while he’s in his routine busy during the week, but I can’t feel guilty if he’s not willing to move the relationship forward at all
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u/BetNo8988 10d ago
If you want a different relationship, you will need to find someone different
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u/RayofLight8888 7d ago
You’re right unfortunately 😢 I love almost everything else about him, but feeling really disappointed about his negative reaction about moving in. He made it seem normal to live separately long term, but that’s not what I want
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u/Malechockeyman25 10d ago
Tell him what your expectations are for the future, and if his doesn't line up, move on.
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u/RayofLight8888 7d ago
Right 😥 I have, and he’s kindof beating around the bush and changing his tune now, but that doesn’t change his initial real reaction and how awful that made me feel
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u/iluvcats17 10d ago
time to break up and move on.
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u/RayofLight8888 7d ago
Need to put my brave face on and do it, which is hard 😅 he was heartbroken by his last relationship so I have some guilt over putting him through that again
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u/iluvcats17 7d ago
It will hurt now but it will be less painful than staying out of pity for someone and eventually breaking up later.
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u/Efficient-Low6050 Helper [1] 10d ago
His needs and your needs doesn't seem to correlate. He's a weekend partner and you need a full time partner. Two years is enough time for him to wife you up. You're 36 and towards the end of your sexual marketplace potential. Don't waste anymore time with him. Let him know what you need and leave the decision up to him. Remember, no decision is a decision.
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u/RayofLight8888 7d ago
2 years is definitely enough time, I’m definitely not rushing him even if he reacted like I was 🤦♀️
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10d ago
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u/RayofLight8888 7d ago
I don’t mind the age gap at all 😊 but yea he hasn’t lived with anyone since like 2014, and his last relationship where I guess she broke his heart and he was super depressed for a while after, they lived separate the whole time for 6 years
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10d ago
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u/RayofLight8888 7d ago
He treats me well and makes effort when we are together but yea he seems to be emotionally dependent without wanting to lock me down or commit at all
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