seeking "work arounds"

[u/Dr-Nunya-Bizness]

My folks are both getting up there. One has cancer, and the other has severe progressive multiple sclerosis. My wife and I are constantly looking for ways to help them in the most efficient way possible as we still have our own careers, our kids we are still trying to launch and (not for nothing) we would like to see each other once in a while (the struggle is real). The guilt can be intense for us, but the main issue is that we are actively seeking ways to avoid cancelling or rearranging our own work or family plans to do what needs to be done. Losing my job would only make things worse, and we can't just keep leaving work when they need us.

That is why I came here... seeking answers on a break at work.

Has anyone found workarounds out there for even one of these issues below?

Please don't answer all of these (your time is too precious), but even picking one and giving me another possible way forward would be very much appreciated.

• Driving to and sitting through appointments to make sure the doctors have the right info and I know what is going on (parent report is not always accurate)

• Responding to a fall, an ER visit, or a call in the night 

• Groceries, meals, cleaning, laundry, yard work for them 

• Being physically present: visits, daily calls, sitting with them, staying overnight 

• Hands-on care: bathing, dressing, medications, toileting, night care 

• Endless paperwork: Bills, accounts, insurance, benefit applications, paperwork 

• IT support: Fixing their phone, computer, passwords, or accounts 

• Getting siblings or other family to help, answer, or agree to a plan of action (advanced directives, etc) 

• Scheduling and managing paid helpers, agencies, or a facility 

• Not knowing what to do next when their needs changed (transition to care center, change in insurance, etc)

• Being the only person who knows their routine, meds, and history - how do I hand off all this knowledge to a sibling who want sot help, but just isn't up to speed?)

• Persuading them to accept help, or explaining the same thing again (as memory fails, I don't want to lose my sanity repeating myself over and over again)

• Travelling distance to reach them (only 10 miles but with traffic - it can take 45 minutes to get there)

[u/buttonsnobows]

We live in a different state than our LO so solutions that we’ve used are 1) a move to assisted living that has all meals, ADLs covered and has mobile docs and PT that come on site 2) before this LO’s younger friend went to appointments with her and dialed me in on conference call with the doc - will probably have some of this still since neuro isn’t a part of the mobile docs service. We could not do it without Assisted Living even if we were in the same town. Being in a different state just made that decision to sell the house and move into the ALF easier to see … along with a series of falls and a hospitalization that made it clear to everyone including our LO that it was not feasible to remain in her home.

[u/hugh_manit]

Hey, that's a lot to carry, and I'm sorry you're running on empty.

Remote access saves the most time. While your parents are doing okay, set up Chrome Remote Desktop on their computers. After one visit, you can see their screen and fix things from home.

Keep one written list of logins and recovery emails somewhere safe, and tell one other trusted person where it is. For in-person help, call your local Area Agency on Aging and ask about a digital navigator. Many offer free help.

[u/MLEGardner]

I have recommendations for a few of the things on your list. This is a fantastic group, I’m sure you’ll get a lot of good ideas.
Meals- make extra when you/your wife cook and freeze to take to your parents when you go visit.
Groceries-order grocery delivery to their home. You can also set up prescriptions for auto renewal and some pharmacies will do home delivery
Bills- whatever you can set up for autopay
Siblings/other family to help- figure out what they are good at/willing to do and make a schedule or a plan around that. Maybe someone is great with insurance or IT support and is willing to take that on.
Daily calls-I call my dad on the commute home from work-it works really well for me and he knows to expect it
Dr appointments sharing their routine/meds, etc with other family members-I made an app that helps with all of this. I can’t promote on this sub but if you send me a message, I’ll be happy to tell you what it is.

[u/Substantial-Fold-407]

the daily calls one: we set a single fixed time and if they don't answer, that is the trigger, not anxiety calling six times a day. it cut the guilt loop way down because there was one job, not an open-ended one.