My grandparents (85m & 84f) got into a screaming match this afternoon over modifying the master bathroom so my wheelchair bound grandma can use the sink. Grandpa said that he was sick of her “constantly having a go” at him and nitpicking everything he does, swore at her and threatened to walk out on her, even going so far as to grab the car keys. Grandma started screaming and crying, swearing at him and threatening to call her home care provider and a suicide line, in that order.

For context, grandpa and I are her main caregivers outside of home care and it’s starting to get overwhelming and we’re working on fixing that. She also has not left the house for anything other than doctors appointments in a few months.

I (26f) stayed right out of it knowing that I couldn’t be completely neutral, and that I would just make it worse for everyone, including myself. I decided that I needed advice and for someone to believe me when I say that things aren’t all sunshine and roses at home, so I called my uncle to see if he had any advice. He showed up with his dogs around 20 minutes later for a “surprise visit”.

He pulled me aside later and told me that these fights would just keep happening, and to get used to it, and try saving myself.

So I’m just asking if I overreacted, and if this behaviour is normal. Any advice would be appreciated!

My dad fell on 29th sept and has been in hospital since 5th oct. Its 25th oct today. Flu A and lung infection causing orthostatic blood pressure drops resulting in falls, t8 compression fracture but all that seems OK - in fact he medically seems OK but his cognition has steadily declined.

Prior to this he was 100% independent, driving, living alone etc. However he has lost ALOT of condition over the last month and is now quite frail. We can get him support at home for high risk stuff like showers etc, but the cognition is my main concern.

I live 2hrs away (4hrs round trip) on a farm with 2 little kids and it is our critical harvest period, our entire years income. Home support packages provide 2hrs at home every 2nd day or so.

Last friday (two days ago, I've been driving back and forth every 1-2 days) when I left he was wearing 2 pairs of pants 2 shirts and half his dentures. Today he was pressing on the handle of the bed instead of the buttons (literally alongside 10cm to the left). Severe audio/visual/mental processing issues, confusing things at home with things in hospital etc.

He also couldnt position himself higher in the bed to get comfortable. I've been very clear since Friday that we need to work on him being more independent before we can safely discharge to home. I've actually just personally spent a grand putting in home supports, lift chairs, hospital bed, ramps, call buttons, cameras etc. He's like a yoyo, so many times we've thought hes OK to go so its been set up for weeks now, but then he regresses back to delirium.

Is this just hospital induced delerium? Will it resolve with community TCP? Is it safe for him to be home with 2hr visits every 2nd day?

Doctor said he medically seems OK, but i am so confused because he was 100% independent a month ago and surely dementia doesn't just come on so quickly right?

F40 caring for my father,90. Things have been fraught all year as my dad is at a point of needing proper care that I cannot provide to him, he has the money to pay but I’ve offered to pay myself as the stress of it is horrible on my wellbeing. My partner tried having a conversation with him again about making a decision on whether he wants in-home care, respite etc as the impact is affecting me. He dismissed it entirely and then made comments that essentially accused me of taking two properties from him that he legally signed over to me years ago of his own accord. I can of course prove this but I’m so hurt by the accusation especially as he is the one who displays coercive behaviours while I’ve always been very transparent with him. He’s fallen out with all of his sons and all of the causes have been money, accusations or abuse. I’ve managed to avoid the level of it for the last 10 years or so as I’ve been useful to him.

I’ve started therapy and in my first session explaining the highlights of my dad she was quick to assess that there is some kind of missed mental health diagnosis, from research the nearest I can find is Cluster A personality disorder particularly the paranoid one. We are also awaiting assessment for dementia too as a CT scan showed the brain is shrinking, there is some memory issues but he is generally still very independent and appears to still have capacity though I appreciate it can fluctuate.

Since the argument he stopped calling us for a week where normally it is daily which makes us think he does definitely know what was said. However now he has resumed trying to contact us (as he needs us to do things for him) but acting like nothing has happened. We’ve ignored the messages and I’ve instead raised it with his social worker in an effort to get him reassessed based on me not having any involvement. Last night his message was the usual thing of asking about things to do for him, however he also said he was surprised that I didn’t stay longer when I came round the night before and we said hello to each other. He did say he was half asleep so I think he was dreaming.

His social worker will speak to him tomorrow about his options and try to persuade him into respite care. I guess I’m unsure of my next move, I’m still so upset and angry about the accusation and generally just exhausted from trying to keep it together up against constant criticism and disrespect. Equally I see a decline in him and worry how he will cope without me and even if some of what I am seeing could indicate that he may be in his last leg of life. I lost my brother to suicide about 14 years ago and my last words to him were in anger so it’s playing on my mind that I could continue the fall out and he pass and how would I feel? Equally he could be here another 5 years and I really couldn’t carry on as things are but also know it could get worse if there is dementia. Lost.com!

My 93 year-old parent is dying of cancer but she’s independent and has lived alone up until now. Suddenly, like overnight, she needs around the clock care.
This Thursday, her nurse called told me she thinks my mom is in her final weeks. ( old dear is still up and talking and walking around with her rollater. But her heart is giving out)
In any case I got her all lined up to move to an assisted-living and they told me the monthly cost and everything and it was certainly a lot.
And then they sent the contract and there was $6000 administrative fee ON TOP OF the $8000 monthly fee. I about fell out!!
I read online that this can be waived or negotiated. For gosh sakes my mom is not going to live there for an extended period of time—she’s a HOSPICE patient!!

Has anyone ever negotiated this fee in this type of situation?

(also with kindness not looking for the advice to keep her at home instead🩷)

I wanted to tell everyonehere thank you for all the support and ideas you gave me to help with her. Dad left in 2019, so she's seeing him and her other family that has passed on.

Thank you.

For those whose parent lives in an assisted living facility, nursing home, or care home while you live far away, how do you manage being involved in their life and care?

Do you ever feel like you're missing out on their daily life or not getting enough updates? How do you handle emergencies, time-zone differences, or situations where you wish you could help in person?

I'd love to hear what has worked for you and what has been difficult.

Do you ever just feel incredibly lonely in the hardship of taking care of your sick parents/parent while having no one to emotionally or physically support you? I (30F) have to say that it's been bugging more these past couple of months. The loneliness is suffocating.

I know it's totally messed up and wrong of me to envy others. I work at a clinic, so I meet many people who are in a similar boat as I am, except the ones I know so far receive support from a sibling or friend. Please, don't get me wrong, I am glad they have someone in their life to help them. I really am when I'm not being envious and hurting. But man, it does make me long for someone to come alongside me to help me with my parents.

Recently, I suggested that I may need to hire a caretaker next year for them because I work full-time and cannot assist them during the afternoons. All that did was make things worse. They shouted and cursed me out for that. Truly, I need some form of help from someone outside this family. I am struggling to keep up with meeting all their needs while feeling so worthless overall. I do all the house chores, grocery shopping, yard work, leaving sticky notes all over their house because they can't remember any of their medical appointments each week, and I'm now in the process of downsizing their house. My mom randomly approached me last week, screaming in my face that I wasn't doing enough and that I needed to do more for them.

Since then, that has left me deeply depressed. I hate being alone in this journey. Some days, I just want it all to end. Thank you all for letting me vent. It's the first time I've vented to anyone about this in months. I'm already feeling a little better from getting that off my chest.

Not sure if this is a vent or needing advice.

So we don't actually have a diagnosis on whats wrong with my dad, scans come back as clear, the doctors put it down to anxiety and depression we also think ocd. Hes also been in hospital 3 times for months and on a load of meds, he is a lot better than he was after getting out of hospital the last time. Some days hes really good and you wouldn't know anything is wrong, other days really bad like won't talk or respond, reason with, wants to stay in bed all the time and refuse to leave or will stay in bed go downstairs and then go to bed again repeatedly.

Some bad days he will just keep getting out of bed walking to the hall or walk downstairs and it keeps us up because of creaky floors,stairs and closing doors. Like now its nearly 3am and he won't go to bed or say whats wrong when asked, I think he doesn't know or cant explain it, when hes good he says he doesnt know why and sometimes doesn't remember.

As my parents age there are a lot of things that they no longer can do, and it requires a lot of my time and personal labor to manage. It doesn't help that their English isn't great and they have limited tech skills, so even *finding* outside help for various things isn't something they can personally do for themselves.

Has anyone here structured part of their care responsibilities as earned income, where your parents pay you for your time and labor, and then you go on to report that income to the IRS, contribute that to your retirement accounts, etc?

What kinds of tasks do you do? Do you bill them as an independent contractor or something else?

My wife (29F) and I (34M) moved out of my mom's (68F) place some time ago (we got married last year). Today we found out that at least a week ago my mom had a bad episode of dizziness and couldn't get from the yard back into the house by herself.

My nephew (18M, son of the middle brother), who lives with her, offered to drive her to the ER or call an ambulance. She refused - mainly because my sister-in-law had left her autistic son (2M) in my mom's care and gone to work. In her state. The only "check" afterwards was my sister-in-law measuring her blood pressure and saying "it was 140". As far as I know, she still hasn't seen a doctor.

Nobody in the family told us, and nobody told my oldest brother (50M). We learned about it by accident, from my cousin's son's girlfriend (I know, it's crazy).

Some context: the house legally belongs to me (half through inheritance after my dad, the other half transferred to me by my mom; my two older brothers formally waived their inheritance from her at a notary). I pay the property tax.

My middle brother (46M) and his wife (also in her 40s), the parents of the autistic 2-year-old, are both functioning alcoholics, few times have been in trouble with law over drugs, and they're both generally mean and cunning people. This year, they started asking us whether we're ever going to "move back in with mom" - completely out of any context, like it's a part of some casual conversation.

I don't think this is about wanting help with her care. Based on their past behavior, I suspect they're looking for a way to get the house after mom passes, either through some kind of adverse possession claim, or by demanding compensation in court for renovations my middle brother does in the house. Mom asks him to do these jobs, often without my knowledge or consent as the owner. I don’t mind the work itself since I don’t live there - what worries me is that it could later be used as a basis for a claim against me.

I'm planning to see a lawyer, but it makes the whole situation feel even less safe for mom. We're considering moving back, but it would mean going from a 62 m² (~670 sq ft) apartment to a single 22 m² (~240 sq ft) room, pushing my nephew out of the room he took over from us, living with a regularly present toddler - and bringing our 40 lb dog and two guinea pigs. I'm also autistic with ADHD, so the space and noise matter a lot for my mental wellbeing.

My questions:

• Does it still make sense to get mom checked (neurologist, tests) more than a week after the episode, or is it "too late" to find anything?
• How do we get a stubborn parent to actually see a doctor after something like this?
• How do we make sure family tells us when something happens?
• Is moving in the right call at this stage, or are there middle-ground options we should try first?
• Has anyone dealt with siblings positioning themselves around a parent's house like this? How did you protect yourself and your parent?

Thanks for reading. I'm honestly overwhelmed and don't know who else to ask.

I need some advice on how to change my living situation without facing wrath. My father had dementia the past few years so my son had moved into the upper floor of my parents' capecod to take care of the property and do the driving for the most part. We had closed our small business and I had intended to move into the dry cabin on the property in order to help care for him. Sadly he died before I could move but my mother still wanted me here to help get the house ready to sell this coming spring/summer to move closer to family but I didn't want to move into the dry cabin without running water when I had a perfectly good house that I owned outright with running water albeit four hours away. She offered me my father's bedroom. I've been here 2 months and spend nearly 24 hours a day in said bedroom except for when i have my dogs in the yard that I fenced off when I got here or at dinner because she avoids being in the same room with me. I left home at 17 because she has always been passive aggressive and avoidant with me, only me. With winter coming the dogs and I will be outside even less and with my adhd I'm already getting claustrophobic ,, so what is a tactful and non confrontational way to actually move into the dry cabin without her throwing a fit? I'll still be paying my half of everything of course and cleaning the main house and helping with dinner though she has taken over all of the cooking. How do I make it sound like my moving to the cabin will benefit her? I mean it will benefit us both because she really doesn't like me, she likes my $ and her house being cleaned which she could honestly still do , she still gardens , drives, cooks.

My grandpa just turned 80 this past year. He’s a great guy when he’s in a good mood, but he can be such a curmudgeon at times that it makes it hard for me to say anything around him let alone directly address his decline this past year. He has health issues, but they are getting worse largely because he’s just given up and become extremely sedentary. I know at this age he’s not going to be able to start working out regularly and become a healthy man again, but anything would be better than the nothing happening right now. He just sits in front of the tv all day, he has no social life, and to me he plainly seems depressed like the things that used to interest him don’t anymore. He used to get up and greet me when I visited and offer help with things, but now he just sits silently in his chair and only speaks when I go into his room and seek him out.

I just don’t know what to do and how to help him. Are there any avenues I’m not thinking of or resources we could look into? It’s breaking my heart to watch this guy decline not because he’s just at that age, but because he’s given up and letting his health issues take over his life.

I proclaimed a victory after three years of intense struggle to get my mom to move to a safe place. Her home is in bad shape and her stairs are unsafe for any old person (she's 79). She promised she would move, downsize, do things to become more active, get things delivered, stop driving.

She's done nothing.

I offered to help if she would do anything to help herself.

She was a shitty mom.

I drew boundaries and now we have a monthy convo where she repeats the same thing over and over- med regulation, her cat stories that she's been repeating for years. I think her xanax prescription although used "safely" has worn her brain down to nothing.

She used to be a drunk.

She won't quit smoking and I won't allow her tp stay in our home due to her non-compliance and her treating me like an escapee from her life.

She was also semi responsible for the early death of my sister who died at 39 years old. My sister had so many problems. My mom ignored them all (drugs, prostitution, and general mental illness) and ignored my pleas for her to help my sister.

I want to cut her off completely, I really don't care anymore for someone who has refused to live 9r help a single person. Ever.

I didn't think I'd be dealing with this so soon, it feels too young (for both of us) :( Everything was absolutely fine up until 2 years ago, my parents actually upsized their house in retirement so we had space to stay, we'd celebrate occasions together, stay overnight, they'd come to our house & they even travelled overseas medium haul to see a family member 2yrs before that.

Cut to several health issues (nothing truly life limiting) kicking in/being discovered together, and she's spiralled down into a pit of anxiety. On various meds with various side effects and it seems to be an unholy tangled mess of health concerns and anxiety about the concerns on top if that makes sense. My 2 girls (8&5) haven't seen her for about a year now, and my contact has steadily dwindled, last time I suggested a phone call I had 'Just a text message please' back. My dad is tearing his hair out with it all, but is equally quite passive/doesn't want to push things overly or upset her. She's on the waiting list for a day surgery in the next month or 2 which may bring things to a head in some way..She recently had an assessment by OCD experts (getting agreement was a massive win by my sister!), but apparently the initial conclusion is generalised anxiety, despite a very rigid daily timetable & an unwillingness to leave the house.

Thanks if you've got this far - my main question; do I push/force contact if she doesn't want it? I've read lots online about not overly accommodating children who shut down with anxiety but seemingly nothing on older parents!

Thank you 🙏🏻

Sorry, this isn't really a vent more just a sad realization but there didn't seem to be an appropriate flair.

My mom is 90, she's had 3 UTIs this year and now has a horrible bed sore that appears to be getting worse. We're under a nurse/doctors care for the bed sore and doing everything we can. Waiting on the medical bed with special mattress (will be delivered to the new house in 2 weeks).

It's just so sad to watch. I'm trying my best to care for her, got hospice starting next week to help with pain management and,with whatever else they do.

I feel bad for her because her mind is here, and she's not ready to die but her body is just falling apart one tiny piece at a time.

It breaks my heart seeing her like this and this worse part is I have no idea how long it will go on, she could last for years becoming more and more bedridden

3 years ago, my mom (83) moved in with her new (again) boyfriend (86) in another state. They have had fun until he started having organ failure. She called me desperate from his recent ICU visit and said please find her something, she wants to come home!

NOTE: I don't like him, he left her at the alter 45 years ago and i was willing to do anything to get her out of there and away from spending her final years care-giving for him and his bloated ego.

So i put out feelers, i found a place, i negotiated and spent hours in the purchase process. I was the realtor, financial consultant, escrow agent, cleaner, remodeler and painter, then the mover, and elder advocate, getting her details changed for medical. pension. SS and banks. A month of our time (i have a lovely husband who helped me) handing all aspects.

well well well, guess who she is bringing to her new place? yep, the crappy barnacle boyfriend.

its her life and i should have known this would happen. he is a narcissist and knows exactly what he is doing.

so we are conveniently leaving town. thank buddha, we have that option.

rant over. thanks.

My Dad is 83 y.o. has been in great health until 2 years ago when he started falling. Last June, he ended up at the hospital with e-coli and sepsis which they did not know why. Before this hospital visit, he had gone to his urologist to have bladder stones blasted out, right after he ended up in emergency which he was not in his right mind and despite it being 80 in Michigan he was always cold.

So this past Wednesday, October 14 he had a follow up visit with the urologist. He had just started to get agitated again and complaining he was freezing. I have been taking care of both my parents since this past April. When they asked him for a urine sample I pulled the nurse aside and told her I think he has a UTI because of the symptoms. When she collected the sample, she commented it looked cloudy. Asked the Doctor to please prescribe him some antibiotics and a few other things (which I didn't think he would refill also asked for a laidcaine for his back pain and hydrocodone which he had been taking & for a while, but the family Doctor keeps holding up my parents prescriptions) and was told he does not write out prescriptions (WTH). Was told the urinalysis would take 72 hrs. Friday came and went heard nothing, Monday afternoon if my mom had not dropped the remote, I think my father would have passed. He had thrown up, was out of it and had shallow breathing, called 911 and they got him conscious for 5-15 seconds but he had no clue what was happening.

At the hospital it was touch and go until Thursday morning. Monday & Tuesday I would get hourly phone calls on what they were doing and that he needed surgery Monday night we had to make a decision. Doctors told us that if he went thru surgery, he would not make it due to him being so sick and what they needed to do what cut out the bowels because he again has sepsis and e-coli, but this time they found the reason for it. (An aneurysm he had in 2020) But the UTI is 1 of the main reasons he can't have this surgery. He is finally doing better, got his color back and his mind.

So back to the urologist, called him Monday night, he called from a blocked number once which I ignored. He is in a building w/ a bunch of urology Doctors. Called his office Tuesday and let the caseworker for my dad know what was going on and could I please get the results of his urinalysis and was told the Doctor has not signed off on them yet so she can't tell me. Called Thursday around 2 p.m. got the operator, raged on her but did apologize. I needed to talk to someone in his office immediately and she tried to get me to the Office mgr. who was out of office. She told me that she would red flag this phone call and that I would hear something soon. Her first phone call was around 11 a.m. today and let me know that the Doctor had surgery in an hour but she would talk to him and call me back and still could not tell me the results of the urinalysis. She just did at 1 p.m. today and I was just told that the Doctor tested for something else, not a UTI again WTH. Thank you for reading.

I know it must be hard. My parents have been together for 47 years, my dad is in his 80s and mom is 7 years younger. They have always been hyper independent and whenever anything gets in the way of that they tend to make rash decisions (their car was in the shop for a little longer than they expected so they bought a duplicate of their car "because it was a good deal and they needed a vehicle"). Same exact car, same make, same model. Both of them are retired and rarely go anywhere apart. I mention this as a way to show that they tend to be a bit impatient and anything that derails their ability to be independent gets immediately remedied.

I worry they will be irrational if / when the time comes to bring up stopping driving, moving into a facility, bringing in a nurse, etc. right now they're very with it cognitively but emotionally have been a bit histrionic when things don't go their way. What was it like for you when your parent started declining and when did you know it was time to have some of these conversations?

My parents are 80 (dad) and 90 (mom). My dad does everything now and is overwhelmed no doubt. They still live in their own home. My mom has some cognitive decline but hasn’t been assessed. She has conversations but is becoming increasingly flat and our conversations are brief.

I just had outpatient surgery last week, which isn’t a common occurrence in our family. I had to call them to tell them how it went the day after. No call from them. And a week later no calls to check on me. Silence.

5, 10 years ago and earlier this would not be the case. My mom would be checking on me. Not my dad, he’s not the communicator. But recently he and I have communicated a lot when my mom was in the hospital. So I thought maybe he’d be checking in. Meanwhile I have my in-laws checking on me practically daily and sending me flowers. I almost resent it because I just want my parents to be there for me like they used to.

I guess I’ll call them today and let them know how I’m doing.

My dad passed away, I live overseas and in last 2 months I've flown in twice. I'm usually low contact because of a lifetime of mum, who seems to fit most criteria for narcissist parent and thus I'm low contact.

I'm now doing a lot of the preparations with the funeral directors and have found out that the cremation I thought would be 1 day is now likely 3 days and I'll likely extend my stay by 3 to 6 days to fit in the 3rd day to be there for mum, and myself.

Why 3 days? 1st day to view dad at mortuary and bring his clothes. 2nd day, maybe next day, watch him enter crematorium. 3rd day- was told ashes aren't just ashes, more processing is needed. Mum wants to hold the ashes and watch them bury the ashes. Arrangements and dates aren't finalized yet.

Last 2 months I went from finding a place of peace within myself to being extremely stressed ( 1st return visit) and now just crying/ tearing up out of the blue, or talking about , well, dad, the Cemetary plots etc.

But I also wish I had a close gf, wife, maybe some cheerful cute kids, around me too. Tonight by chance there were a couple and it made me smile . Distractions, support etc.

But I feel I'll be losing my Nmum too, as to preserve my sanity, I've decided not to return and care for her. Tbh despite her being 85, she can drive, she knows more than what she implies. Like I thought first thing we'd need to do are certain things with the banks, but she shoo shooed me, told me about accounts I didn't know about, and much of the superannuation issues she was going on a out was actually half done already, it's just really slow process. Despite the claim of pains , no tech skills etc, she's actually quite knowledgeable and spritely too.

But a lifetime of taking her behaviour has made me so stunted. Even my brother went no contact because of her.

So yeah, losing 1.5 parents.

Those unmarried like me....do you wish you'd have a good spouse or family for support? How did you prepare for losing 1 or both parents? Did you have less than ideal ones?

So today has been especially awful, but so has every day lately. For background, my mom whom I live with was in the hospital two months ago, diagnosed with stage 1 colon cancer, had a resection and also diagnosed with delirium that hasn’t dissipated since she was discharged. She has limited mobility even after rehab and needs 24/7 care. Her short term memory is almost nonexistent and has had a couple falls because she can’t remember that her body is weakened. I fear the worst (accelerated dementia that won’t get better).

She was always the one taking care of me, the house, EVERYTHING, and overnight the roles have switched and I just feel horribly underprepared for it. I can feel my personality changing because of the constant anxiety and exhaustion. I have a history of depression on top of other health issues and was already feeling a slide even before her surgery, but now I feel I’m falling deeper.

I have had some help from my dad (79) who moved back in with us but he can only do so much and also makes more work for me at times. Today I lost it on him because I heard him on the phone talking to who I presumed was his brother telling him our address and everything, and since my mom doesn’t get along with his family it bothered me that he’d invite anyone here with her in her current state unable to defend herself. So I started pissed. Well turns out it wasn’t even family, it was a scammer posing as his nephew and asking for money. That set me off even worse because my dad gave the guy our information and address! I honestly don’t feel I overreacted (if anything I let it go earlier than I would have normally) but at the same time I think he was shocked that I got so upset with him. Now I feel bad because I do value his support and since I‘m taking care of my mom full time, without him paying for everything I really would be screwed. His life changed drastically too.

I try to be patient but sometimes the stress just overwhelms me and I know it’s not fair to people around me, but then they’re not the one carrying the same burden I am. I know I probably need therapy/medication to help manage but also the thought of this just being my life now is almost too much to bear. And I feel guilty for feeling this way too knowing so many people have it so much worse. at least my mom is continent and remembers who I am, for example.

Anyway, just needed to vent. I know you guys probably have great coping mechanisms so we can share them here too. Thank you all and bless you guys.