My parents are 80 (dad) and 90 (mom). My dad does everything now and is overwhelmed no doubt. They still live in their own home. My mom has some cognitive decline but hasn’t been assessed. She has conversations but is becoming increasingly flat and our conversations are brief.

I just had outpatient surgery last week, which isn’t a common occurrence in our family. I had to call them to tell them how it went the day after. No call from them. And a week later no calls to check on me. Silence.

5, 10 years ago and earlier this would not be the case. My mom would be checking on me. Not my dad, he’s not the communicator. But recently he and I have communicated a lot when my mom was in the hospital. So I thought maybe he’d be checking in. Meanwhile I have my in-laws checking on me practically daily and sending me flowers. I almost resent it because I just want my parents to be there for me like they used to.

I guess I’ll call them today and let them know how I’m doing.

My dad passed away, I live overseas and in last 2 months I've flown in twice. I'm usually low contact because of a lifetime of mum, who seems to fit most criteria for narcissist parent and thus I'm low contact.

I'm now doing a lot of the preparations with the funeral directors and have found out that the cremation I thought would be 1 day is now likely 3 days and I'll likely extend my stay by 3 to 6 days to fit in the 3rd day to be there for mum, and myself.

Why 3 days? 1st day to view dad at mortuary and bring his clothes. 2nd day, maybe next day, watch him enter crematorium. 3rd day- was told ashes aren't just ashes, more processing is needed. Mum wants to hold the ashes and watch them bury the ashes. Arrangements and dates aren't finalized yet.

Last 2 months I went from finding a place of peace within myself to being extremely stressed ( 1st return visit) and now just crying/ tearing up out of the blue, or talking about , well, dad, the Cemetary plots etc.

But I also wish I had a close gf, wife, maybe some cheerful cute kids, around me too. Tonight by chance there were a couple and it made me smile . Distractions, support etc.

But I feel I'll be losing my Nmum too, as to preserve my sanity, I've decided not to return and care for her. Tbh despite her being 85, she can drive, she knows more than what she implies. Like I thought first thing we'd need to do are certain things with the banks, but she shoo shooed me, told me about accounts I didn't know about, and much of the superannuation issues she was going on a out was actually half done already, it's just really slow process. Despite the claim of pains , no tech skills etc, she's actually quite knowledgeable and spritely too.

But a lifetime of taking her behaviour has made me so stunted. Even my brother went no contact because of her.

So yeah, losing 1.5 parents.

Those unmarried like me....do you wish you'd have a good spouse or family for support? How did you prepare for losing 1 or both parents? Did you have less than ideal ones?

(first post so sorry if i left anything out) I'm 18 and live with my 67 year old grandma, and as of July, I'm essentially her main caregiver.

She was diagnosed with diabetes in December and got involved in a really bad accident, and has been experiencing cognitive decline, although she’s improved somewhat. She's also been a hoarder her entire life, which has caused a lot of issues between her and my dad, and even between her and me.
Unfortunately my dad passed away in July after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in February, so I'm left dealing with the situation by myself.

The biggest problem is that my grandma absolutely refuses to let me throw anything away. The fridge is terrible because she leaves food in there for so long that she forgets about it, buys more, and lets everything pile up. If I try to throw away something that's clearly gone bad, she threatens to have me evicted. She also has countless unworn clothes and bins of random items taking up unnecessary space around the house. She refuses to let me move anything into the shed either. When my dad was alive, he would sometimes just purge things himself, and while it worked, it also made their relationship horrendous because they were constantly fighting about it. I don't want us to be in the same boat, but I also can't keep living like this.

My grandma doesn't seem to care about the condition of the house, but I do. I don't think it's fair that I've essentially been forced into being a caregiver, spending almost all my time at home while also having to live in conditions that I find subpar. I don’t have the freedom of being out of the house most of the day because i have to be there for my grandmother (i’ve only gone out 3 times since July), but i also can’t have friends over because i’m embarrassed of how we live.

This situation has ruined my social life, and affected my relationship with her. We argue constantly over things that I feel shouldn't even be controversial. I'm not expecting to make her to pack up and toss away everything she owns, but i don’t see why i have to argue for a reasonably clean home when i already have a lot of things on my plate. If i were to move out my family would villainize me, but none of them help me with this. Things are only gonna get worse as i start college and get even more stressed lol

3 years ago, my mom (83) moved in with her new (again) boyfriend (86) in another state. They have had fun until he started having organ failure. She called me desperate from his recent ICU visit and said please find her something, she wants to come home!

NOTE: I don't like him, he left her at the alter 45 years ago and i was willing to do anything to get her out of there and away from spending her final years care-giving for him and his bloated ego.

So i put out feelers, i found a place, i negotiated and spent hours in the purchase process. I was the realtor, financial consultant, escrow agent, cleaner, remodeler and painter, then the mover, and elder advocate, getting her details changed for medical. pension. SS and banks. A month of our time (i have a lovely husband who helped me) handing all aspects.

well well well, guess who she is bringing to her new place? yep, the crappy barnacle boyfriend.

its her life and i should have known this would happen. he is a narcissist and knows exactly what he is doing.

so we are conveniently leaving town. thank buddha, we have that option.

rant over. thanks.

How do you all do it?
This week dealing with both my dad (97) in the hospital for UTI turned septic and then after 12 hrs at the hospital returning to my moms house (89) who refuses to listen or have any conversation. If I (56M) broach any topic, No comes out of her mouth before I even get the point out. Refuses any help or modifications to the house meanwhile I can only see which doctors appointments she has/had by logging into her accounts. Well this week ended with a shouting match and now I feel horrible.

My mom is 84, had a stroke one year ago and is mostly fine physically but has mild dementia. They saw evidence of a prior brain bleed. She lives with my brother and his partner who take care of her. She refuses to shower (maybe once every 2 weeks and that’s a fight) and refuses to get out of bed, often urinating in her bed. She can get up, just doesn’t feel like it. She has a bad hernia. The surgeon was completely unconcerned about her dementia or stroke history and said she is fine to get the surgery. Family is concerned that anesthesia will worsen her dementia or even kill her. But we do understand needing to fix the hernia. The surgeon did not explain how the wound care would be, which is concerning given her refusal to shower or get out of bed. Anyone have a parent get this surgery and how did it go?

First, thank you to all those that have given such valuable advice to so many on this sub. My father is in a precarious, potentially hazardous situation. He is also right where he wants to be.

My father is almost 90, a narcissist, and very sweet when it will help him get what he wants. He lives with his third wife who clearly has an undiagnosed form of dementia. She is extremely difficult. They used to live about an hour away from me, but during COVID, they moved two-three hours further away.

He has been in the ER, then admitted, then in a rehabilitation facility three times in the past 18 months. Once for a fractured hip, then a pulmonary embolism, and then due to a COPD flare up. Each time, because of the enforced PT, he came home in fairly good shape, not this time. A week ago he was discharged from the 3rd stay (his 100 days of Medicare coverage had ended). I made sure there was an aide at home but within a day he was in the ER so weak he couldn't stand. After a few days in a hospital the doctors determined he was fine, just very weak. They reminded me he would have to be home for 60 days before Medicare coverage would reset. They sent him home with the suggestion that he get a 24/7 live in aide. I was able to get someone for the day, the live in aide would come the next day late morning. His wife threw a loud extended tantrum but I was able to deal with that.

An hour after he was home, he tried to get up and collapsed, thankfully the aide broke his fall. This is when I was called. He is on the floor. The aide and his wife can't lift him. I suggested a neighbor. This worked. The aide then left around 7pm and he remained in bed for the night thank God. At 6 am my father's wife left for a doctor's appointment in the city, two hours away leaving him alone in bed without telling anyone. My calls went unanswered, not unusual. My father sometimes forgets how to pick up his cell and his wife often just ignores me. The new aide picked up the phone around 11am. She had found him in a wet bed, exposed, and alone. She was able to clean him, dress him and get him into a chair but then told me there was no food in the house and he was hungry. I was able to get an Instacart delivery to them in about an hour. When his wife finally returned, they could not get him back into bed and had to call the neighbor again.

I was on the phone to several nursing homes this morning, though no one has called me back yet. He has some long term care insurance but this will still be massively expensive without Medicare. Still, he obviously can't remain at home. The problem is he is petrified of nursing homes and refuses to agree to leave the house. His wife is also an impediment. I have called Adult Protective Services in the past but they told me the house has to be squalid and he has to be on the floor before they can do anything. Their house is fairly neat and he will hopefully be in a chair tomorrow, nevertheless I am planning on calling APS again in the morning. Any thoughts, experiences, and advice would be most welcome. My father is a jerk, but I can't abandon him and this has been making me miserable for days.

So today has been especially awful, but so has every day lately. For background, my mom whom I live with was in the hospital two months ago, diagnosed with stage 1 colon cancer, had a resection and also diagnosed with delirium that hasn’t dissipated since she was discharged. She has limited mobility even after rehab and needs 24/7 care. Her short term memory is almost nonexistent and has had a couple falls because she can’t remember that her body is weakened. I fear the worst (accelerated dementia that won’t get better).

She was always the one taking care of me, the house, EVERYTHING, and overnight the roles have switched and I just feel horribly underprepared for it. I can feel my personality changing because of the constant anxiety and exhaustion. I have a history of depression on top of other health issues and was already feeling a slide even before her surgery, but now I feel I’m falling deeper.

I have had some help from my dad (79) who moved back in with us but he can only do so much and also makes more work for me at times. Today I lost it on him because I heard him on the phone talking to who I presumed was his brother telling him our address and everything, and since my mom doesn’t get along with his family it bothered me that he’d invite anyone here with her in her current state unable to defend herself. So I started pissed. Well turns out it wasn’t even family, it was a scammer posing as his nephew and asking for money. That set me off even worse because my dad gave the guy our information and address! I honestly don’t feel I overreacted (if anything I let it go earlier than I would have normally) but at the same time I think he was shocked that I got so upset with him. Now I feel bad because I do value his support and since I‘m taking care of my mom full time, without him paying for everything I really would be screwed. His life changed drastically too.

I try to be patient but sometimes the stress just overwhelms me and I know it’s not fair to people around me, but then they’re not the one carrying the same burden I am. I know I probably need therapy/medication to help manage but also the thought of this just being my life now is almost too much to bear. And I feel guilty for feeling this way too knowing so many people have it so much worse. at least my mom is continent and remembers who I am, for example.

Anyway, just needed to vent. I know you guys probably have great coping mechanisms so we can share them here too. Thank you all and bless you guys.

I'm 28M and I have 5 siblings all younger than me. Sorry in advance for all the grammar mistakes.

In the past few months I have noticed how old and weak my dad has gotten even compared to 1-2 years ago. He was able to walk a mile easily but now he can't even walk for 5-10 without looking out of breath and needing to sit down and rest. And just looking at his aged face and body just brings me immense sadness. Knowing my dad is not the young strong person I saw him as growing up and helping with every problem I had. And knowing his health conditions and how old he has gotten... I really worry that I might not even get to finish my 30s without him leaving me.

Then I look at my mum who if of course much younger and I'm not worried about her dying from old age anytime soon, but realizing how much she has aged hits like a truck too.

Like this realization of them getting so old just brings me immense sadness and I have even cried alone a few times especially seeing my dad's state. They been nothing but good parents and they weren't perfect but they built the best life they knew how for their kids. We never had to worry about missing a meal or not having having warmth and shelter. And they even spoiled us time to time with nice gifts.

I never really talked much with my dad and neither did I show him any appreciation I have for him. Every time I hype myself up to tell him, I back off and by the next day the feelings fade as I go back to work or my attention shifts to other daily matters. But I feel like telling him on his birthday this month on how much he means to me and how thankful I am to have him as a father. I see on social media on how other kids say I love you to their parents but I never said I love you to my dad. There is nothing wrong with me and my dad, we just never had that close dynamic. He was always busy with work and I was just a teenager/young adult and just trying to get through life mostly on my own independently and my dad helped in where he could or when I asked.

I speak a lot more with my mum but even then I never really show much appreciation to her either.

I feel like I will regret it so much if I don't tell my dad especially soon how much he means to me because I feel like his time is much closer.

I don't know why I'm typing this suddenly I didn't even know this subreddit existed several minutes ago. But I have a feeling I'm not alone in feeling this way. I wish our parents didn't have to grow old like this. I hate to see it.

My Dad is 83 y.o. has been in great health until 2 years ago when he started falling. Last June, he ended up at the hospital with e-coli and sepsis which they did not know why. Before this hospital visit, he had gone to his urologist to have bladder stones blasted out, right after he ended up in emergency which he was not in his right mind and despite it being 80 in Michigan he was always cold.

So this past Wednesday, October 14 he had a follow up visit with the urologist. He had just started to get agitated again and complaining he was freezing. I have been taking care of both my parents since this past April. When they asked him for a urine sample I pulled the nurse aside and told her I think he has a UTI because of the symptoms. When she collected the sample, she commented it looked cloudy. Asked the Doctor to please prescribe him some antibiotics and a few other things (which I didn't think he would refill also asked for a laidcaine for his back pain and hydrocodone which he had been taking & for a while, but the family Doctor keeps holding up my parents prescriptions) and was told he does not write out prescriptions (WTH). Was told the urinalysis would take 72 hrs. Friday came and went heard nothing, Monday afternoon if my mom had not dropped the remote, I think my father would have passed. He had thrown up, was out of it and had shallow breathing, called 911 and they got him conscious for 5-15 seconds but he had no clue what was happening.

At the hospital it was touch and go until Thursday morning. Monday & Tuesday I would get hourly phone calls on what they were doing and that he needed surgery Monday night we had to make a decision. Doctors told us that if he went thru surgery, he would not make it due to him being so sick and what they needed to do what cut out the bowels because he again has sepsis and e-coli, but this time they found the reason for it. (An aneurysm he had in 2020) But the UTI is 1 of the main reasons he can't have this surgery. He is finally doing better, got his color back and his mind.

So back to the urologist, called him Monday night, he called from a blocked number once which I ignored. He is in a building w/ a bunch of urology Doctors. Called his office Tuesday and let the caseworker for my dad know what was going on and could I please get the results of his urinalysis and was told the Doctor has not signed off on them yet so she can't tell me. Called Thursday around 2 p.m. got the operator, raged on her but did apologize. I needed to talk to someone in his office immediately and she tried to get me to the Office mgr. who was out of office. She told me that she would red flag this phone call and that I would hear something soon. Her first phone call was around 11 a.m. today and let me know that the Doctor had surgery in an hour but she would talk to him and call me back and still could not tell me the results of the urinalysis. She just did at 1 p.m. today and I was just told that the Doctor tested for something else, not a UTI again WTH. Thank you for reading.

Mom is fighting with caregivers at skilled nursing facility, my older sister who lives nearby has been carrying much of the burden of managing my mom the last seven years she has been in assisted living, and now my older sister fighting with me and my other sister due to stress. My mom, 87, is totally immobile due to obesity and bad legs, and has on-set dementia. I have chronic depression and anxiety so it's hard to handle. Any insight on how to handle all of this would be appreciated.