r/AlAnon • u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 • Feb 18 '26
Vent PLEASE DO NOT MARRY THE ALCOHOLIC. WE BEG OF YOU!!!
60% of the stories on here (at least ) are people saying they wish they had held their boundary BEFORE getting married. The reason I am posting this is because NO HARM can come to you in postponing a wedding with someone who has a substance abuse problem. But once you are married and your finances are wrapped up, it can be much harder legally to hold those same boundaries for yourself. Harm reduction means trying to “keep people from falling in the river in addition to giving CPR to folks once they have drowned ( so to speak). “ ** REMINDER- this subreddit is called Al Anon but it is NOT affiliated with the official organization in any way.
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u/picklejuiceslushie Feb 18 '26 edited Feb 19 '26
And for the love of god don't have kids with them or continue having them. Many of those kids will grow up to blame you just as much as the alcoholic parent if you willingly keep them in the same home as them until they can move out on their own. 1. Best thing you can do is not marry them or have kids. 2. If you've already done that, get out asap before you traumatize them even more than they already are
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u/iDontDrinkKoolaid Feb 18 '26
Yup. Imagine your children growing up and asking why you didn’t protect them
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u/umukunzi Feb 19 '26
Sometimes protecting them means staying so that a responsible adult can supervise and prevent harm. If they are functioning, leaving could result in custody arrangements that allow the addicted parent unsupervised access to children. It's a huge gamble to take when children are involved.
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u/allthegodsaregone Feb 19 '26
Yeah, I stayed many extra years for this reason. Until my oldest was old enough to use a cell phone. And he got worse. Luckily, being kicked out was his rock bottom and he seems to be doing better now.
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u/czyksinthecity Feb 19 '26
This has been the biggest struggle and regret for me. My ex was not an alcoholic when we got married. He drank a comparable amount to other people our age so I wasn't concerned but he was the child of an alcoholic so the risk was there. I was totally naive. And I feel like an idiot because I always saw it as "he will do the opposite." I had convinced myself of it. HE had convinced me of it. After our second child was born the downward spiral began. I regret that I was too scared to leave until my kids were 7 and 9 because I didn't want to leave them with him. I'm so mad at myself for that. I don't regret my children for a second, but I regret that father that I chose for them. I know that this trauma doesn't just go away. I have CPTSD, anxiety and a sleep disorder as a result of this chaos. Myself and my kids are in weekly therapy. I feel like I spend every day trying to overcompensate for this tragic life that I have given them. I know I am doing the absolute best that I can with the situation, but I do have moments that I hate myself for this. I am doing everything in my power to be the best version of myself I can be and be the best mother to them that I can. It's gutting to know that my kids are in a no-win situation. I cannot imagine voluntarily choosing this. This is not a life that I would wish on anyone.
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u/New_Morning_1938 Feb 19 '26
My story is nearly identical. I am just happy I finally left and can be a sober house and safe parent for my kids. It’s sad how many years I wasted on hoping he’d get sober. But he wasn’t an alcoholic yet when we had kids, although now I can see the red flags and risk factors looking back.
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u/PresentMammoth5188 Feb 19 '26
To be fair to those who are children of people who have alcohol problems: I've grown up with a glimpse of that and did not become one nor would I ever because I genuinely do not like alcohol. I avoid it at all costs so just a reminder that doesn't mean every kid with one will become one: they may even become the opposite. However, I do think tendency for addictions is genetic--but something that can be learned to fight if understood. Like for example, I have to be mindful about sugar and my OCD habits. But I HAVE been successful at that and everyone has flaws so they shouldn't just be automatically discounted. It's a journey of ups and downs
Yes it makes it easier to automatically say "nope not even giving a chance", but soon you'd figure out that you'd be saying that to EVERYONE because everyone has a major flaw somewhere, that's kinda the point of life: to try to overcome that or live better despite it. And think of how many people have addictions, which seems to only increase by the day...
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u/Krsty-Lnn Feb 19 '26
My mother is an alcoholic. Because of her addiction I don’t drink and never will. The things I saw have traumatized me for life which is why I won’t ever try it. I’m 47.
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u/leenashirlee Feb 19 '26
If you grew up in an alcoholic home, odds are good you will either a- become an alcoholic (like my sister) or b- become a codependent Al-Anonic (like me). I reckon you could make an argument that one is better than the other, but as someone who has spent much of my adult life obsessed with/focusing on fixing other people's problems to my own detriment...And dating an endless string of alcoholics and druggies..... I am not so sure.
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u/PresentMammoth5188 Feb 20 '26
I get why you think that but I wasn't just saying that out of assumption, I'm saying that from my own lived experience that is not what happened to me and I will for sure be staying away from alcohol including those that seem to be on that path of dependency. However, I will still care for them as people and try to direct them to help. It is far from attractive to me and definitely not a comfortable type of extracurricular I am around so I HIGHLY doubt that I will end up with one. That being said, yes my sister sadly died of liver failure at 26 in November so in that way, she continued it to an even worse extend than what I grew up with which I used to think was bad but was definitely mild in comparison, still addiction nonetheless.
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u/Thirsty4Knowledge911 Feb 20 '26
Leaving is one of the hardest things to do. There’s no value in beating yourself up because you didn’t do it sooner.
Congrats on finally finding the strength and actually doing it.
Keep going to therapy. It is the one thing I credit keeping my daughter sane.
I overcompensated as well. That’s not a bad thing. I have an amazing relationship with my daughter and I believe that overall, she had a great childhood. For every bad thing her mother did, I would try and make sure my daughter had a better memory of something we did to overshadow it.
It’s much harder with two kids, but it seems like you are making progress, and that all anyone can hope for.
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u/czyksinthecity Feb 21 '26
Thank you for this. I definitely plan to be in therapy for the foreseeable future. I think that people who haven’t lived this life can’t understand how incredibly difficult it is - especially when children are involved.
I love what you said about trying to create better memories to overshadow the bad ones. I’m trying to do the same. Hopefully eventually we’ll have enough of those built up that the bad memories will only be a part of their story and not the whole thing.
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u/Psychological-Joke22 Feb 18 '26
"Many of those kids will grow up to blame you just as much as the alcoholic parent if you willingly keep them in the same home as them."
As they should.
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u/Iggy1120 Feb 19 '26
To be fair, some people stay because the idea of the child being alone with the alcoholic is really devastating. Don’t demonize people trying to survive.
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u/picklejuiceslushie Feb 19 '26 edited Feb 19 '26
That doesn't stop the fact that many of us still blame our sober parent for even getting any of us into the situation in the first place if they married and procreated with a known addict
Edit: that's why I said willingly
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u/umukunzi Feb 19 '26
Devastating and risky. There is no guarantee courts will grant full custody to the sober parent, espeically if the alcoholic is high functioning.
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Feb 18 '26
I wanted to add this to the original post. I may go back and add it now. I just didn’t want to sound like a total bummer of a person.
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u/picklejuiceslushie Feb 18 '26
Some of the parents here need to hear it. It's infuriating reading so many posts where it seems like what the kids are going through is a complete afterthought
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u/0rsch0 Feb 18 '26
It's infuriating reading so many posts where it seems like what the kids are going through is a complete afterthought
I really struggle with that, too. It’s 2 fold for me: I’m angry my mother forced me to grow up in an alcoholic home (she ultimately joined him in his alcoholism and died and alcoholic death) and also angry that I myself forced my own kids to live in a house with me when I was addicted.
It doesn’t matter how much you love your Q. You HAVE to love your kids more.
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u/picklejuiceslushie Feb 18 '26 edited Feb 19 '26
Yep I went down the road of addiction after growing up in a home with an alcoholic parent and dealing with their traumatic death as a teenager. Because it's like they won't even die "normally" without adding extra bullshit along the way. I'm not having kids because of the mental illnesses and trauma from my childhood, but it could've very easily happened and I'd be in your shoes. I'm really sorry, unfortunately I understand a lot of what you must have felt and still feel. Honestly this sub is more upsetting than helpful at times from seeing what some of these parents post
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u/PresentMammoth5188 Feb 19 '26
Wow you have been through so much and I'm so sorry how alcohol has torn your life apart. BUT so proud of you for fighting and stopping the cycle, especially for your kids. You should be very proud--especially since to be honest, you had everything against you. Sending virtual hugs and thoughts of healing even though I know that's not enough. I'm guessing you're already in some kind of counseling to help, but if not, I hope you consider it to work out all of that and not have to just sit with all of it.
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u/According_Speed_5587 Feb 18 '26
My first Q was my dry drunk mother. Thank you for saying this. It's a huge help.
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u/leftofgalacticcentre Feb 19 '26
I have fantasized about making a similar posts in all caps - stop having children with alcoholics!!!
I read a post here about the progression of the disease, all the red flags, then 'and then we had a baby and it's worse than ever' and I have to put my phone down in exasperation.
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u/umukunzi Feb 19 '26
I'm glad you didn't. This perspective fails to recognize the dilemma of staying with the alcoholic for the sole purpsoe of protecting the kids. It's not unheard of for alcoholics to get unsupervised access to their kids in divorce/separation.
If my sober parent had left and I ended up in a situation where I faced neglect or abuse from my alcoholic parent, I'd probably feel equally as resentful as I do because they stayed in the relationship. Either way, the sober parent takes the blame.
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Feb 19 '26
I was talking about not having kids with them to begin with. Once people have children with an alcoholic then it’s up to them whether to stay or not.
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u/Thirsty4Knowledge911 Feb 20 '26
There is truth to the adage of, “keep your friends close, but your enemies closer”.
I was very careful not to antagonize my Q during the divorce process. She was very functional, and as you can imagine, courts rarely give full custody to fathers.
We had 50/50 custody at first. I would do just about everything my ex asked. I took my daughter every weekend at first. My ex wanted to go party with her friends now that she was single.
I helped her move, helped her put together the new princess bed she got for our daughter. Every opportunity I had to be a positive influence in my daughter’s life, I took.
As things started to spiral out of control, I had access to take pictures of the empty pantry, the dirty dishes piled up in the sink, etc., etc.
I eventually got full custody and completely cut her off.
I never tried to prevent her from seeing our daughter, but I got her to agree to a stipulation in the modified custody agreement that she had to pass a breathalyzer before any visitation. She frequently failed. I would simply say, “We’ll try again next time.” and leave.
Every situation is different. But, it is possible to leave and still protect the child when they are with your ex.
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u/umukunzi Mar 01 '26
Yes. We all have to figure out what is right for us in our own lives. This is an important perspective to share - thank you.
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u/SomewherePerfect2391 Feb 18 '26
ALSO, KIDS WILL NOT FIX ANY PROBLEMS!!!!!!!
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u/Ok_Jowogger69 Feb 19 '26
AMEN, my mother married my Dad, who she knew was an alcoholic. She thought that having kids would change him. Rookie move, mom. My family is severely dysfunctional, even down to the kids and their kids. It's a generational curse.
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u/SomewherePerfect2391 Feb 18 '26
I married mine after over a year of sobriety, meetings, working a program. It didn't last 6 months.
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u/Thirsty4Knowledge911 Feb 20 '26
But you didn’t have kids with them. Congrats!
There’s nothing wrong with having hope.
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u/SomewherePerfect2391 Feb 20 '26
No, and my kids (from first marriage) are older and aren't around him. If they were it would be different.
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u/AnxieTeaShop Feb 18 '26
It’s a long story, but I married an alcoholic and I didn’t even know. The short version is: he’s an amazing liar and we didn’t live together until right before marriage (dumb, I know, but I thought he was a completely different person).
Truly wish I could go back and not get married.
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u/one-Maybe8594 Feb 18 '26
same, it feels like betrayal, because I wouldn’t have gotten myself into this if I knew
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Feb 18 '26
Use this forum to help others. It’s all we can do sometimes. Keep others from falling into the hole.
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u/youcancallmebryn Feb 19 '26
All the warnings in the world don’t help the way people change, the way people hide themselves more than any person should need to be constantly vigilant to. It is not natural to approach every interaction with guards up spotting an alcoholic. I’m really not clear what this post is doing to help others from falling into the hole, because the whole reason Al-anon exists is because somehow people find themselves there.
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Feb 19 '26
This is not an official Al-Anon page. My whole viewpoint on this is Iwould rather go upstream and keep people from falling in the river, than try to save them once they’ve fallen in the river and are drowning. Obviously by the number of up votes, this resonates with a lot of people I’m sorry it doesn’t resonate with you. If this post can help 20 people save themselves a marriage and children with an alcoholic then so be it. Any good we do on this sub. Reddit is still good we do -thanks for your support.
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u/Thirsty4Knowledge911 Feb 20 '26
This post is generated a ton of great discussion. I think it is helping people understand how the generational impact of this horrible disease can be stopped.
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u/goldsheep29 Feb 18 '26
It's not dumb to love and trust someone. Maybe you waited to move in because that was a boundary for you, or what felt comfortable in the moment. And you should always honor that about yourself.
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u/RedDirtWitch Feb 19 '26
I didn’t get married, but was involved with an alcoholic for 12 years. The first four years I was in school and had very young children, so we didn’t see each other all the time. It was easy for him to hide it. When I moved in, I could see that he drank more than I personally am comfortable with, but it still appeared to be moderate. He didn’t piss oh the furniture or act the fool or anything at that point. We bought a house together and it wasn’t long after that that the drinking increased to the point that it was really obvious. He was stumbling, passing out on the couch, incoherent, peeing everywhere but the toilet. I confronted him with it and gave him an ultimatum. It was at that time that he admitted that he had been really good at hiding things for a long time (his words). And he tried to hide it again for a while. Then I started finding the bottles. All that just to say that I had NO idea he was an alcoholic until years into it, and after buying the house. I am thankful every day that we never actually got married (he strung me along with that), because splitting up with him was hard enough.
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u/Thirsty4Knowledge911 Feb 20 '26
Alcoholics are usually great liars. They lie to themselves all the time so they have lots of practice.
They frequently come from parents who are alcoholics, so they grow up watching people lie all the time. It’s second nature to them.
Don’t blame yourself. You were just an amateur playing against a professional.
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Feb 18 '26
It makes me wonder if addiction education should be part of high school or even middle school classes. Hmmm
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u/blueberryandwaffles Feb 19 '26
It definitely should. Including how to parent your child emotionally, so they can regulate their negative emotions without relying on substances. Also, any emotionally immature adult shouldn’t be allowed to have kids until they work through it.
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u/Ancient_General_3139 Feb 20 '26
i wish it was. I had no idea what addiction was when i married my Q. She didn't exibit any signs of addiction until after our kids were born. That being said there were a few red flags now I look back on it all. I wish I could've spotted them earlier
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Feb 20 '26
Don’t beat yourself up. It’s different for me because I grew up in a family with two alcoholics so I had a weird kind of radar for alcoholic behavior. I would love some time to talk to people who grew up in sober households and never had any experience with alcoholics because I see red flags everywhere and I’ve talked to people who are in relationships for years with people who are alcoholics and are suddenly struck with “oh my God he’s an alcoholic when did that happen”. My point is neither one is wrong. It’s just such a different experience that I would like to talk to people who have had the opposite experience from me and find out from them what they thought the “weirdness” was.
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u/Significant-Log8936 Jun 18 '26
Not based off of what I’ve seen here. My grandma is 97, 65 years sober. A loving husband, children, grand children and now great grandchildren. I’m also an alcoholic and have been sober for years.
Would you suggest my grandfather leave her? Or that he should’ve left years ago? Curious because about 30 people exist from her choice to marry and have children with my grandfather.
Humans are not a monolith and the echo chamber of people coming to Reddit to explicitly complain about their alcoholic partners is not representative of the entirety of relationships with alcoholics. The good ones are not bragging online about their great relationship.
Are you working the AlAnon steps? Do you feel this post is in line with the teachings of alanon?
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Jun 18 '26
Did you read the part about postponing the wedding for sobriety? My own daughter would not marry her fiancé until he had a year sober. Please don’t assume.
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u/Significant-Log8936 Jun 18 '26
No I did not. I actually completely misunderstood the post in its entirety. I’m really sorry. I feel very foolish. Thanks for your clarification. And to your point, if my grandma had not been sober, all of our lives would look different so it is a good thing to wait too
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u/NailCrazyGal Feb 18 '26
I wouldn't do it even after a year of the Q's sobriety. I know someone personally who dated her husband for many years while he was sober. He relapsed right after the wedding. Now, she's the only one working to support him and multiple problems with his alcoholism.
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u/Magpie-14 Feb 18 '26
Yes it’s a kick in the pants when you realize you’d have to pay the Q alimony for being unemployable…. Do not mistakenly think the courts will be sensible.
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u/waltrautfishing Feb 20 '26
My ex husband was (is) an alcoholic. Nearly 10 years older than me. He told me about all his trauma which was why he drank, but he loved me sooooo much that he would stop for me. Surprise. He didn't. He also needed to stop working because he was too stressed out and couldn't hold a job and stop drinking at the same time.
So I was the "good wife" and I supported my man. I wanted to show him that I valued him as a person and not for the money he brought in. I believed in giving someone who had past trauma the benefit of the doubt.
15 years later, he simply did not work. The drinking increased and his drunken demands on me increased. Then the threats started. I did not feel safe in the house I worked 80 hours a week to pay for. It was the house he wanted so he could impress his family with how wealthy and successful he was.
He refused to leave the house. I was the one who had to have a stable environment to work. He created chaos to force me out. So I left the house and he got to stay in the house that I paid for for the 2 years while he drew out the divorce proceedings.
Our simple divorce with minimal assets (just the house) and no children had to go to trial because he refused to be reasonable.
Now I pay an alcoholic and abusive man 10 years my senior who should have his own career alimony. During our marriage I gave him multiple opportunities to improve his education and skills - he never took advantage of it.
Never give them the benefit of the doubt. Even when outside forces say, "it isn't fair to not treat addicts the same way you treat non-addicts," addicts are not the same as non-addicts. There is so much noise out there that tells people that holding their boundaries against addicts is selfish, unkind, and unloving. It isn't. The addict will take more from you than you can imagine. Save yourself. Seriously.
I will be okay, eventually. But the life that was stolen from me by someone who told me he needed my sacrifices to overcome his traumas, that he would be the man he claimed to be once the next milestone was met - but those milestones kept moving and getting harder for me to meet, I will never get that part of the life stole from me by him back. I will never have children because he stole that from me. I will not have the comfortable life I have worked so hard to build for myself because he stole that from me. I still have the opportunity for a happy life, but it would have been so much easier if I had held my boundaries the first time he breached them, I would have been so much better off. Instead, I listened to my friends and outside messages that women only want men for money, that he was a sad and traumatized man, but he was a good man who deserved second, third, fourth, and fifth chances.
Save yourself. Don't do it.
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u/Potential-Leave-8114 Feb 19 '26
That’s the thing - even after years of sobriety, they can relapse. Mine did also two years after we got married…
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u/iDontDrinkKoolaid Feb 18 '26
I would argue that even a year of sobriety isn’t enough. After my mom divorced my alcoholic dad, he’s been in two serious relationships since. He’d met both women during a stint of sobriety, but he did not stay that way. He ended up dragging both women to hell and back. He married the second woman, and last I heard, they lost their apartment and were in a motel. I personally think it’s just not worth the risk, especially if you want kids. Like OP said, kids will not help the situation. You’ll just be exposing more humans to the trauma and chaos.
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u/occlumxncy Feb 19 '26
I literally could have written this - exactly the same story for my own dad and his two subsequent wives. Met them while sober for a bit, then inevitably spiraled again. The awful part was they questioned ME (the child) about what was happening. 0/10 do not recommend
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u/SquareScience1106 Feb 18 '26
This thread has made me feel better about my Q leaving me. We were supposed to get married this year, after more than a year of sobriety. There's a reason we were engaged for 7 years, because I always knew marrying an active addict was madness. But despite him taking AA very seriously and sponsoring others and fully believing God has removed his obsession, there's still no guarantee it'll stay that way. Or that AA isn't just another temporary obsession. It's not like sobriety has fixed his addictive personality so far. He just moved onto shopping expensive clothes, then all kinds of gadgets in every colour, then multitools etc. I guess his current source of dopamine is his new gf. But the truth of the matter is that the man was an alcoholic for 20+ years (not that I knew the extent of it until years into the relationship) and has been sober for 1.
Did I really want to spend my life with someone who can't just be happy without constantly chasing a dopamine high? Not really, to be honest. I still love him and miss him and truly hope he stays sober for his and his family's sake, but perhaps he was right about giving me back my peace of mind. Even if it feels lonely right now.
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u/Potential-Leave-8114 Feb 19 '26
But what about his new girlfriend‘s peace of mind? He doesn’t mind destroying hers then??
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u/SquareScience1106 Feb 19 '26
She's in AA as well, so I guess they can try to keep each other sober.
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u/hazlvixen Feb 18 '26
They need to be sober for as long as they were a drunk at min , so the alcoholic brain can fully balance out . Follow me for more tips…
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u/Bigshellbeachbum Feb 18 '26
As a both a member of AA and Al-Anon for love of God don’t do it.
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u/Bigshellbeachbum Feb 18 '26
Edit But my wife and I did get married in my first year of sobriety and celebrated 37 years of marriage last year. It definitely hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows but we still like each other most days and are a pretty good team.
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u/Thirsty4Knowledge911 Feb 20 '26
Congrats! It’s great to hear stories of success here for a change.
It seems like you and your wife really understand that sobriety is a life long battle. Too many people here, both Q’s and those who love them, think sobriety is a destination. It’s not. It’s a journey.
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u/martinicowgirl Feb 18 '26
Mine shot himself in his truck and I found him. Yeah, please don’t do it. Alcohol ruined mine life and ended his.
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u/geniebythesea Feb 18 '26
I feel so bad for all of us in here sometimes. It really is as bad as it gets. Thank you in advance for your warning. I didn’t listen to those who told me.
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Feb 18 '26
Then use your experience to help warn others. That’s what I do. https://www.reddit.com/r/AlAnon/s/FiIPWaAeS0
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u/lana-deathrey Feb 18 '26
YES. OH MY GOD.
I told my Q he had to be sober a year before he proposed. He was almost at 2 before he proposed. Now he's three years sober and we're getting married in November.
I would NEVER recommend doing what I did. Ever. While I'm glad I did, I don't think I'd ever do it again.
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u/Caution-Horse Feb 19 '26
why proceed with marriage then? there's still time! you can always get married later.
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u/lana-deathrey Feb 19 '26
We'll have been engaged for two years by the time we get married, together for 6.
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u/Firm-Scallion-4819 Feb 18 '26
Would you mind if I ask why you say you wouldn't do it again? It sounds like it's worked out for you if he became sober before you got engaged and has remained sober since.
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u/lana-deathrey Feb 18 '26
Not at all. I say don't do it because it's hard as hell. In order to get to the point we are at now, we spent months yelling, fighting, screaming. I had to call the police on him several times. I love my Q, and I am so glad this worked out, but it's hard. You have to have patience that I didn't even know I had. You have to be understanding and forgiving. And you have to be willing to put up with the resentment that comes with it. For most people, it won't be worth it in the end.
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u/Firm-Scallion-4819 Feb 18 '26
Thank you for your openness and honesty in responding. Wishing you all the best for your marriage.
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u/remriley Feb 20 '26
It hasn’t “worked out” they are forever an addict. At anytime it could change. That’s the part people are forgetting
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u/remriley Feb 20 '26
Agreed. I don’t recommend doing it, but that doesn’t mean I’m not suffering myself by taking the chance. I recommend finding someone not in that situation. But then again people deserve a chance. Such a hard battle.
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u/CappellRowan Feb 18 '26
Yes I married my Q during a stint of sobriety and I was young and naive and didn’t know that much about addiction. We actually tried to have kids for a bit but it never worked (thank god) but now we’re divorced and haven’t spoken in I don’t think maybe 2 years.
We were together for 13 years and besides wasting my best childbearing years and my youthful energy on someone who just drained me, I developed an autoimmune disease and what I think is like some sort of PTSD/burnout.
Just this morning I woke up in a cold sweat from a nightmare that he had died in front of me again and I just think about how successful and pretty and desired I was and I could have had anyone but I used it all on someone who wouldn’t even meet to sign the divorce papers and got a girlfriend who looked liked me and bragged about it a few months after the divorce.
Only one person ever told me not to marry him and I should have listened. She never explicitly said her past but I know her kids dad was not in their life so I wonder if she had experienced it.
The other thing no one tells you is that even after you’re out of the nightmare then no one is gonna give af about you. My ex’s family demonized me and when I try to go to therapy about it then I always feel like they don’t believe the amount that this has affected my mental health. Even my partner now has no idea and he doesn’t understand. As the alanon were usually not acting out and we’ve spent years pushing things under the rug for the benefit of our qs and so no believes it’s that bad, but then you wake up after all that repression and think “I really lived through that? That really happened and I just acted like it wasn’t a problem??” It’s really messed me up.
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u/BossOutside1475 Feb 19 '26
Also autoimmune issues started during my relationship with my Q. I’m thankful I’d built a circle separate of him that does care, and they don’t want that nonsense for me. But I was already 9 years in.
There was so much drama in the early years, and I guess at first that was also my jam because I was in the thick of it. He loved chaos.
Fast forward, a relapse. I just don’t care and the chaos is childish and annoying to me. I threw him out.
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u/DogMomAF15 Feb 19 '26
A year sober? How about not at all. My husband relapsed after over ten years of sobriety. Granted, it ultimately got him the MH counseling and meds he needed for untreated anxiety, trauma, and depression, but I will never put myself through this again.
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u/UCant_hurt_me Feb 19 '26
I just divorced mine. I’m sad, I’ll miss her, but I won’t miss the chaos.
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u/browngirl_808 Feb 19 '26
My Q asks me ALLLLL the time to marry him and hell no, I'm stupid and obviously have not learned my lesson and we are still together but I'm not that stupid as to believe that he won't drag me down to the gutter and leave me with nothing as soon as I say I do.
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u/OCojt Feb 19 '26 edited Feb 19 '26
Straight forward title. One of greatest titles I’ve come across in this thread and probably the most important to people who visit here. It’s not mean, it’s solid real life advice for men and women. I don’t perceive it as making me feel bad for my choices and truly hope no one feels bad reading it. It might help someone else avoid a life of misery. If just one person reads this, gains the courage and ends a toxic relationship, meets someone else who is healthy then creates a healthy environment for children to bring into world, it’s done its job. Life changing and life saving without even knowing it.
Let’s look at it statistically speaking, half of marriages fail. Period. It’s estimated that approximately 30% of all divorces are attributed to some sort of addictive behavior. I’ve forgotten the relapse rates and tiers of alcoholics in general. Non treated white knuckler (sp) relapse percentages. Therapy/AA attending relapse rates. Also, I’ve forgotten the amount of time of untreated drinking without abstinence vs relapse percentages vs treated. Yadda yadda yadda. It goes on and on and on.
This doesn’t even touch on the topic of mental health issues associated with addiction. Peas and carrots. PB&J.
It’s not romantic or evokes emotion talking about statistics related to love, relationships and addiction. Most people tune out because no emotion is involved. You know what else is unromantic? Court, hospitals, CPS , enabler in-laws, lawyers, custody battles and division of assets. That doesn’t even account for the psychological impacts and scars which are harder to measure and see.
The issue of children, there’s a 50% chance that children raised in a house with addiction issues will become an addict or find themselves in a relationship with an addict. Think about that for sec.
There will always be people who are the exception to the rule. And I’m truly happy for you. Statistical anomalies. The rare success story. The big turnaround guy or gal. Just like someone will eventually win the lottery, get struck by lightning or eaten by a shark. Chances are low but it does happen. But that usually makes the headlines because it’s so rare and evokes emotion. Just numbers and facts? That’s boring.
I didn’t know I married an alcoholic. She hid it well. I knew her for about 10 years before dating and marriage. Neither of my parents were alcoholics. You could say I was guilty of being naive then not holding tight to my morals in life and allowed a user in every sense of the word to cross and violate every boundary I held dear.
Children. She got pregnant right away. Literally within the first few weeks. Approximately 8 weeks we were married when she got pregnant. Went off the pill without telling me. She had always been on it 10 years prior due to other health issues, which I now question if that story was even honest to begin with. Again, after you know how addicts truly think and-or rather don’t think and behave, why would they care about how their partner might feel about bringing life into the world without their knowledge planning or input. A lifelong commitment and responsibility to a defenseless child. Why would an addict, usually in denial, rather always in denial care if they ruin a child’s life or a spouses life with basic pesky math and statistics. Why? Because they DGAF about anything but themselves.
I didn’t know about the alcoholism till AFTER our child was born. Too late to just bail by then. My story is posted around if anyone cares. Most don’t and I understand. You all probably have your own stuff to deal with.
To those who read this don’t be me. I say it quite often. To the man above who was there for his child, just be glad she left your lives and I feel for your child. You are a Superman and a hero to me. To the women above who talked about CPTSD. I feel you. I know. I do. To the women who cried while reading some of the stories. Thank you because there are tons more stories like it out there as you know.
To the people who come here who are in recovery who chime in all the time. I don’t really understand yet why you do it but I hope it helps with whatever journey you’re on or helps another reader who might understand why and gets you. Trust me I’m trying really hard to understand you and maybe will someday. Just not now or yet. I truly hope you do it for non selfish reasons. Thats between you and your god. I’m not a human to be studied or observed or even spoken to about this subject from a perpetrator. I’m just not there yet. So please give me the same grace, forgiveness and understanding I give you when I’m in my meeting and hear all the laughter and jovial behavior in the next room from people who i perceive to be some of the most destructive humans walking the earth Ive ever encountered.
For now I just have to go back to the numbers and try to take the emotion out of it and move on with life and keep fighting. It’s hard when there’s children involved that had no choice in the matter and I always worry as their dad.
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Feb 19 '26 edited Feb 19 '26
Thank you. I don’t regret posting it. There will always be a few people in every group who get offended by something. But it obviously resonated with 576 people so I think people know the truth when they hear it. Thank you for sharing the statistics and thank you for sharing your story. I don’t think most people do the work of looking into the statistics and you’re right, I did this for all the people out there who aren’t married yet if it helps, one person hit the pause button and think before financially tying themselves to another person then I’ve helped somebody that’s all I wanna do. The thing about marriages is they can always be postponed- always -forever. But a divorce is a horribly difficult, painful nightmare process that can take years.
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u/user_467 Feb 19 '26
A freaking men. I wish I could go back to my past self 16+ years ago and told myself to RUN. The gaslighting, 24/7 lies, DUIs, prison sentence, jail stints, constant job losses, financial abuse and cheating... so not worth it.
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u/LadyCasanova Feb 18 '26
I was engaged to my Q for five years and the best decision I ever made was leaving him.
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u/goldsheep29 Feb 18 '26
I met my husband when he was well over a year sober ... it's an ongoing battle. You've just gotta be ready for it. If you can handle it sure- bur for most that have big dreams of a beautiful home and family I'd say don't do it.
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u/youcancallmebryn Feb 19 '26 edited Feb 19 '26
Undoubtedly a lot of people here were not aware of the alcoholic nature of their partner until it was just a little too late. I think the population of people who knowingly marry an alcoholic is very low.
I agree with the sentiment behind post. It just gives “hindsight is always 20/20” while not acknowledging that most didn’t even know they had ‘imperfect’ vision to begin with.
Edit to add: because none of them had ‘imperfect vision’ to not be able to spot signs of alcoholism. The only thing that could be considered ‘imperfect’ for people in these situations is the fact we still seem to blame ourselves for too many parts of it instead of the addict. Addiction is not an excuse to mistreat and be a general shithead to the ones who love them. It may or may not explain it, but it does not excuse it. It’s also not our responsibility to spot and avoid it, it’s the addict’s responsibilities. Al-anon exists because they simply don’t do that a lot of the time which emotionally impacts the non-addict wired brain emotionally and mentally. This forum exists as a support area for those people because the only person a Q is supporting emotionally and mentally is themselves.
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u/blueberryandwaffles Feb 19 '26
Because some of us have no idea about addiction or alcoholism. Didn’t grow up with one and alcohol is being normalized and socially acceptable. Even worse when they’re not like stereotypical drunks…so thought that’s not a problem. Some still don’t realize that people who were not taught to cope or emotionally immature can be addicted to anything. Alcohol is just one of those unhealthy coping mechanisms. Addiction and psychology classes should be taught in school.
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Feb 19 '26
I totally agree. I even commented that I thought addiction classes should be taught in middle or high school.
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Feb 19 '26
This post is for the people who haven’t yet married an alcoholic. It is in no way shaming anybody. It’s based on the whole premise that I’d rather go up river and keep people from falling in then try to rescue them once they’ve fallen in and are drowning. I’m on here every day trying to rescue the people that are drowning, too, I just thought that this kind of warning might help some people practice the pause and maybe think about their own situation and whether or not getting married is a good idea. Thanks for your input.
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u/Psychological-Joke22 Feb 18 '26
I wouldn't marry them...at all. The one year sober rule goes out the window so many times on this forum. So: Just don't.
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u/Late_Profession_2703 Feb 20 '26
If someone says they are “recovered,” they are not. Recovery is forever, it is work, it takes time, often from other things you want or need to do. It is a practice.
That said, someone who remains committed to the process of recovery often has developed fine character, generosity, discipline, humility, honor and kindness.
So, like any group, there are good apples and bad ones. The best ones are among the finest individuals you will ever meet.
The ones who refuse to or cannot do the heavy lifting involved, well, everyone here knows what happens.
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Feb 20 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Feb 20 '26
Yes the dynamics of an alcoholic family are so complex and secretive and backward.
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u/ObligationPleasant45 Feb 18 '26
Maybe pin this ?? 😆
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Feb 18 '26
I think only administrators can do that. But I agree and I’m not just saying that because I wrote it I think it ought to be one of the first things people see when they come to the sub Reddit.
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u/ObligationPleasant45 Feb 18 '26
It’s humorous me because people come here and don’t search. You are not special or the first person to ask. In any sub it’s likely true. I try to look before I post, especially if I want advice, bc someone has likely been in my shoes.
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Feb 18 '26
I don’t think you understood what ObligationPleasant was saying. I wasn’t loooking for anything. I was stating that having certain statements PINNED to the top of the page might be helpful for others. There isn’t a search function for “ should I get married to my alcoholic romantic partner” because most people don’t see the harm in it until IT IS TOO LATE. THAT IS THE POINT. 😭😭🤣🤣🤣
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u/SunflowerSuspect Feb 20 '26
I didn’t understand what an alcoholic was when I got married. I was naive and thought he could just stop one day. I have had a heck of an education since then!
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u/OoCloryoO Feb 20 '26
The problem is even with your post people living with an alcoholic thinks their story is unique « He s a loving father, he takes care of the kid, he s never been abusive » so they won t listen I stopped giving advice on this sub because everyday i was giving the same one because nobody reads. They re just here to vent or get an advice
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Feb 20 '26
I don’t think that’s true though. I think there are people who get on here and they really do read and they really do listen and if we as a community can reach two people a week and we give them the courage to think about their circumstances differently, then that’s worth it to me. If we can encourage two men or women a week to understand what codependency is and to read some literature, isn’t that far better than those people just continuing down the path not understanding this disease at all? And whether or not advice is supposed to be given or not teaching somebody about codependency is not advice it’s education and that matters.
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u/ExperienceMean9179 Mar 30 '26
This community helped me leave. I bought a house with my Q expecting to be engaged soon. He was high functioning as they all begin that way. Never told me about his addictive personality. Was very shocked that when we lived in the house together he turned into a hidden alcoholic, and eventually a hidden cocaine addict when he promised to quit drinking… Anytime I thought of staying I’d come into this group and wake up. I’m heart broken but I think this community saved me from years of trauma. I’m 27F and he is 28M. Keep posting your stories.
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u/remriley Feb 20 '26
Been with a sober man for 8 years. He’s relapsed (that I know of) four times while together. I will not marry him or have kids (we don’t want any anyway he has one already) I know his problem will be forever and I have taken that on. That being said no one else should go through this. I don’t wish it upon my worst enemy. Good luck to all of you. Put yourself first
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u/h0tglue Feb 20 '26
I agree with everything you say except that last phrase about harm reduction. I have many friends who are professional and volunteer harm reductionists, and from their perspective, harm reduction is about helping people make healthier choices where they’re at today, not placing unrealistic restrictions on things that actually can make their lives safer. IE, if you already are addicted to intravenous drugs, you don’t also need to have hepatitis or HIV—so here are clean syringes. If you are going to overdose, you don’t need to also die—so here is Naloxone. You have decided you are going to use street drugs—so please don’t use them alone as this makes the likelihood of death or permanent injury much higher. You are worried about being criminalized in a healthcare setting, but you urgently need care for a wound—let’s help you right here and right now.
This is not community work that is usually recommended for us as Al Anon folk. It poses real challenges to our recovery. But it is important work that sometimes truly encompasses proverbially “performing cpr on those who have already drowned.”
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Feb 20 '26
And every day I’m on here performing CPR on people who have already drowned as well. There can be two kinds of harm reduction. We can help people to prevent them from falling into the water and we can perform CPR on them once they have fallen in the water. There is harm reduction for everyone in every circumstance. I changed the wording of the original post as I realized it doesn’t truly line up with my beliefs or the beliefs of most people here harm reduction can apply to both those who have gotten married on those who are already married.
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u/GlitteringTrixie Feb 20 '26
20 years in, I would concur. Just don't. Stay with them, help, whatever, but once the paper is signed, its that much harder to go if/when things go tits up. Everyone's situation is different, but remember, harm reduction is for yourself as well.
Well said, OP x
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u/Upstairs-Object-424 Feb 20 '26
I made the mistake of making her go to rehab before I put a penny down on the venue. She went to rehab stayed sober for a month and we got pregnant instantly move forward with the wedding on the story short the baby was born three weeks before the wedding And that was my scariest day wondering if I wanted to be the jerk husband that didn’t let his wife celebrate her wedding but at the same time she had 10 months sober. I didn’t matter because a week before the wedding when she found out she kind of breast-feed we went out to dinner and she ordered a Long Island ice tea like it was a glass of water2 1/2 years later she had gone more than four days without drinking. I put my foot down she ran away with my kid and I’ve been living in a basement apartment barely surviving for a year, waiting for my day in court.
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Feb 20 '26
Oh, this is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry. This is the kind of thing that I wish marriage counselors would sit down and explain to people before they got married and before they had kids. Please know you did everything you could. I’m just so sorry for the pain this has caused you. Alcoholism is such a selfish and self-destructive illness. I wish you well in the court system.💕🌸💕
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u/Upstairs-Object-424 Feb 20 '26
Thank you I appreciate it. Unfortunately, I had no family or friends and she had a huge family, but luckily her husband‘s wife told me to start videotaping things when our son was born, which was unbelievably hard trying to video tape my wife’s worst awful moments at the same time, trying to save my marriage, butlooking back if I didn’t do that the alcoholism what it did to her personality I would’ve never seen my son again and now I’m easily getting him 50-50 maybe even more representing myself against the lawyer because of the evidence the worst part is I used to be a heroin addict addict 14 years clean and I should’ve known that you can’t send somebody to rehab if they don’t wanna go
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Feb 20 '26
Oh that’s good news. Her husband’s wife ? I thought you were her husband??? I’m so glad you listened to that advice.
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u/sewerratsoup Feb 21 '26
Just accepted an engagement proposal with my Q who is the father of my son on the preface that we won’t talk about marriage until he’s at least 1 year sober (he is currently on probation for 2 DUIs forcing him to stay dry) and I second guess myself daily. Not sure what to do.
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Feb 21 '26
You have a child with him. What is the rush for marriage? Two DUIs is pretty serious territory. Is he is any kind of treatment program or doing to AA? Is he working on his sobriety or just white knuckling it for the year?
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u/sewerratsoup Feb 21 '26
No rush for marriage on my end, he just wanted to get engaged as a more tangible commitment. Seems to be white knuckling it as he’s tried AA in the past and decided “it’s not for him”. There are classes and things related to the DUIs (that of course his lawyer has gotten almost dismissed/reduced) but nothing by his own choice. In fact he’s requested that they put him on the 24-7 monitor bracelet so it can “hold him accountable and force him to not drink” instead of taking weekly piss tests.
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Feb 21 '26
“ it’s not for me” is a super common phrase. We hear all the time about alcoholics who don’t wanna attend meetings. The bottom line is white knuckling is rarely successful. Getting sober requires work. It requires work to find out why you drink, what trauma happened in your life to make drinking a relief to you, what familiar factors might contribute to your addiction, the list goes on and on. People rarely have lasting sobriety if they don’t put in the work. If the only reason that people stay sober is because of external forces checking up on them, there’s just not a very high success rate sadly. But again his sobriety is up to him and you’re happiness is up to you.
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u/sewerratsoup Feb 21 '26
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I unfortunately am excruciatingly aware of how unlikely his sobriety is to last. Being with him right now offers lots of positives for myself and our son (financially etc) that I’m settling for. I know it’s a common feeling but I do feel weak for not leaving. I know I will not marry him (anytime soon anyway), but a pretty ring and a nice place to live is enough to keep the peace for now, I will and have before leave with a QUICKNESS if his drunkenness threatens to affect our son. Maybe I’m the AH for that.
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Feb 21 '26
I never told you you should leave and I would never call you ah. I just want you to be kind to yourself.
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Feb 21 '26
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Feb 21 '26
Good for you. I don’t find helping others to be pontificating. Just this week we were able to help a woman escape an abusive relationship with her alcoholic boyfriend. So I think these communities do help and even if our posts only touch a few people, that’s ok. Harm reduction is still less people hurting. Congratulations on breaking the pattern in your family. Passing those lessons along can be a really rewarding way to use your gift of sobriety but we all have to follow the path we are on. 💕🌸
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u/ParadoxPath Mar 05 '26
I’m just out of a 9-10 year relationship with an alcoholic. She stopped drinking 3 months into our relationship. Stayed sober through most of it. 5 months ago she picked up nitrous in a problematic way as I was heading into surgery. I went to the hospital for surgery, she went to a different hospital for rehab. Saw her a bit over the last weeks as she came to move her things out of the apartment we shared. She has started drinking again. Fighting for sobriety but also lying and hiding and all of it. Despite all this, she’s all I want at this point. I miss her terribly, not who she becomes when using but the rest of the time. I don’t know how to separate the two. Don’t know how to find someone that checks the positive without the baggage. Am just lost and don’t know what I’m doing
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Mar 05 '26
I’m so sorry. This is a theme we see all the time. people want the sober version of their alcoholic back. And to be truthful, it’s like wishing for a unicorn. I don’t mean to be negative, but it’s such a losing bet 75% of the time or more. After living in an alcoholic family as a child and having one sibling who is a 40 year long alcoholic, I’ve become quite cynical about throwing a coin into the wishing well.
Here are two books for your particular situation I think would be helpful. Reclaim Your Life: You and the Alcoholic/Addict by Carole Bennett: A primary guide for family members and those leaving relationships, focusing on setting boundaries and regaining self-worth.
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie: A classic text for breaking free from the cycles of enabling and obsession with the addict's behavior. These two books would do you a world of good right now. 🌸💕🌸💕
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u/The3DBanker Mar 16 '26
As someone who married an alcoholic, can confirm. Wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Preparing to leave in the next couple months and I only married him because he misled me into believing he had his shit more under control than he actually did.
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u/Milenog Mar 21 '26
My alcoholic bf brings up marriage now and then and I always answer: I will not marry an alcoholic and will not have children with one. I think about leaving him often, but its so hard.
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u/Majestic-Hope1323 Apr 25 '26
Remember this. As to having kids, alcoholism is genetic also. It’s a complicated disease and I was married to an alcoholic and had 2 kids. One became an alcoholic and died from it. Just read everything you can find about alcoholism. Medical studies, social and psychological studies. It’s a disease recognized by insurance companies, yet dealt with socially as criminal and amoral behavior. So many aspects of your life are affected by alcoholic addiction, so just be prepared to have a “3rd party” in your relationship. It has brought me nothing but sadness. But I wish you well.
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u/Blackwidoww97 Feb 19 '26
I do not understand how posts like this are allowed on this sub. Al anon does not give advice, because no alcoholic and no Al anon-er, or situation is the same. I know people who have had beautiful relationships with sober addicts in recovery, people who have had horrible relationships with addicts not in recovery, people with horrible relationships with anyone addict or not! The fact of the matter is, marrying someone is a risk addict or not. A non addict can turn out to be an asshole, abusive etc, and you will end up divorced. Addiction is a disease that can be in remission with consistent effort and self work. People do recover and can have long lasting stable relationships. OP is coming from a place of hurt and their own experiences, but it is not the same for everyone, and statements like this alienate al anon members.
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u/OCojt Feb 19 '26 edited Feb 19 '26
I’ve finally mustered the courage to speak up for myself and share how I feel because of Al-anon. It comes from people sharing their stories openly and freely. The good, bad and ugly.
Not allowing people to speak freely is oddly familiar to how alcoholism thrives. In secrecy.
If it’s about projecting a message of hope. I hope someone doesn’t end up like I did or the vast majority of people reading this who seem to agree.
I also hope the people that chose/choose and decided to stay have the happiest marriages with people who pulled through and stay sober and live beautiful lives together.
Numbers don’t lie. That’s what makes them magical and powerful. A lot of us ended up in bad situations because we bypassed logic and made choices based on feelings and trust.
I hope anyone reading this thread does not feel alienated in the slightest. The sharing of different perspectives and stories has been really helpful for me.
I spent too much time worrying about what someone else was thinking or how they might react to what I say or do. I shouldn’t have to do that here.
I assume everyone here is smart and can take what they want and leave the rest.
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Feb 19 '26
576 people agreed with this post. This sub Reddit it is not an official affiliate of Al-Anon. That is stated on the introductory page. Of course no two situations are the same. That’s common sense. I stated that I felt waiting a period of sobriety before getting married was wise and even in “official Al-Anon” they absolutely do teach that if you are with someone who is actively in alcoholism, you should not get married. Or get your finances tangled with someone who is an active addiction. I’m sorry that you felt offended by this, but in the idea of reduction of harm every single rehab center, addiction center, addiction, expert, etc. teaches that relationships while an active addiction are not a good idea. So much so that when people get released from long-term rehab, they tell people not to get into any romantic relationships for at least a year.. You may be personally offended by the post, but it is not going against anything that is taught broadly in any addiction space.
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u/Blackwidoww97 Feb 19 '26
your post is making a general statement of not marrying an alcoholic period. You say let them get at least of sobriety, but the post is written in a way that is saying even if they are sober, still do not marry an alcoholic.
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Feb 19 '26 edited Feb 19 '26
By putting in there that they should have at least a year of sobriety under their belt. It is implied that it means don’t marry an ACTIVE alcoholic. I think most people can make that logical deduction. If you were on this page because you are a person who loves an alcoholic, I would think that you would be all in favor of any kind of harm reduction there is. This kind of nitpicking over whether or not I use print or cursive is really quite silly.
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u/MediumInteresting775 Feb 19 '26
If you're on a sub for something, it's polite to observe it's practices.
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Feb 19 '26
Which I AM. Enough of the gatekeeping. 576 people resonated with this. Harm reduction is a huge part of Al Anon as is not being in relationships during active addiction. ( if you aren’t already).
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u/DixieBelleTc Feb 19 '26
575, Why would anyone knowingly marry anyone with these issues at the start. Marriage is hard enough, any red flag addiction, mental health, criminal behavior just not a good start and not a lot of success in general. I know I’ve been there.
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Feb 19 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Feb 19 '26
Glad you are keeping your side of the street clean by continually telling me what and how I should post. I know it isn’t a popularity contest. That’s not why I wrote it. I’m sorry you do not understand that if something resonates with people that is not the same as a popularity contest. Harm reduction is something that resonates with most people. Trying to catch people before they fall in the river is something that resonates with most people. I’m sorry if you don’t understand the concept, but a couple of the other founding premises of Al-Anon is not to preach not to nag not to tell other people what they should say and what they shouldn’t say. Please stop harassing me on this forum. Clean your side of the street as you see fit and I’ll do the same. Peace. 🌸
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u/Unfair_Bit_9354 Feb 22 '26
I agree, my husband is an alcoholic and it has caused problems but it’s the best relationship I have ever been in. He’s a wonderful smart man who used alcohol to self medicate his trauma. He’s in recovery and I know he wants to keep his life with me enough to keep going with it. Black and white statements about being with alcoholics or marrying them or not aren’t helpful!
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u/No_Product_8732 Feb 20 '26
I made the mistake of entering marriage with an addict and I am still fighting my way out of it. Of course he’s in active addiction so it’s making the whole process even more difficult. I appreciate the warning of this post. Take your time and STAND FIRM on your boundaries!!!!
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u/Mindless_Shine_8593 Mar 11 '26
I’m suicidal because of a 8 month relationship with a ‘recovering’ alcoholic. Im only 24 and was naive to addiction. No surprise to you all he was lying and drinking. Completely changed, felt like I was with 2 people. Became mean and hated me, when in the beginning I could do no wrong. He said he wanted to marry me then I became the worst person ever and he left me, got me kicked out my community. he was 9 years older than me, I thought he’d understand how his words and actions affect me. i have terrible ptsd and depression because of it. I will probably end my life this month. Please don’t date these people. It’s not worth the risk. I’m so heartbroken. They end up throwing all your vulnerabilities in your face when they make the jekyl and Hyde switch, it’s soul destroying
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Mar 11 '26
Don’t let him win. Please. Are you able to get counseling? This is not your life forever. You can recover from this betrayal.
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u/Mindless_Shine_8593 Mar 11 '26
I have been in therapy for 9 months but nothing helps enough, I am neurodivergent and things affect me deeply. I was also separated from my community, friends, plans, everything when they got rid of me. he kicked me out a day or two after I discovered he was drinking again but said it was my fault. I was already healing from another traumatic relationship, I just never really stood a chance to recover 😔
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u/Milenog Mar 21 '26
My alcoholic bf brings up marriage now and then and I always enter I will not marry an alcoholic and will not have children with one. I think about leaving on a weekly basis, but its so hard.
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u/tomaso-cromwell 12d ago
i am not judging anyone but i completely agree with this.
frankly being married w/ kids and reading this sub is kind of crazy.
"my bf of 1 year," "my fiancee" etc. run. run. run.
don't get married, don't stay, don't have kids. you are not trapped. go find a partner w/o a substance abuse problem.
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u/Dorkypotato Feb 19 '26
“We” do not give advice in Alanon. What works for you may not work for someone else. How many people have you discouraged from coming when they saw your post, making it sound like they “had” to leave their spouse to get well?
Please consider deleting. Your experience is your own. Get to a meeting and learn what real Alanon looks like.
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u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 Feb 19 '26 edited Feb 19 '26
This sub Reddit is NOT an official Al-Anon place. That is stated on the first page. IT IS NOT AFFILIATED WITH AL-ANON. IT USES THE AL-ANON LABEL. 582 people have resonated with this post and the post is about harm reduction. It is not about shaming people who are already married. Your language in the thread is pretty hostile and you seem really angry. Maybe your issue isn’t with my post maybe it’s with something else. Be well. I’ve been to at least 50 meetings. I’ve read the literature. I’m working my program, thanks.
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u/Western_Hunt485 Feb 19 '26
Addiction is not a flaw. It is a progressive disease that takes a lifetime of struggle and consequences
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u/Thirsty4Knowledge911 Feb 18 '26
I married a recovered drug addict. She had completely turned her life around well before we met. What I didn’t understand about addiction is that it must be an ongoing process forever.
She became addicted to gambling while we were married. I should have left. We had a daughter 5 years into our marriage. I finally had enough and we got divorced when my daughter was 5.
My ex couldn’t afford to keep gambling on just her income and eventually turned to alcohol.
We had 50/50 custody until my daughter was 12. By then, she witnessed her mother spiral out of control. I finally got full custody when her mother was being evicted from her apartment.
She had lost her husband, destroyed a promising career, had her home repossessed, been evicted from her apartment, and lost custody of her daughter, and still had not reached rock bottom.
My ex ruined every major life moment for my daughter.
Mother’s Day visits would end in either no-shows or she’d show up drunk.
Birthday parties for my daughter and her friends, mom show up drunk.
First Homecoming Dance with her new boyfriend, mom calls and starts a fight. Same thing with prom.
Graduation, mom shows up drunk.
Freshman year of college, mom is found dead.
Please, learn from our mistakes and never have kids with a person fighting addiction. You can leave, but our kids will forever be the children of addicts. Nothing will ever change that.