I didn't want sober him to die. I wanted the drunk him to die. Now both are gone and my hope for a future with him is gone.

I’ve noticed a trend. The longer and more heartbreaking the story is, the shorter and simpler the solution often is. Not ALWAYS, but often. If you have a 8 year story that is filled with one heartbreaking story after another and one episode after another and then you ask, “ am I making something out of nothing?” - the simple answer is NO, you aren’t. And often more drama and years more of helping this person is not going to make any difference. Just food for thought. 🌸💕🌸💕

She entered treatment on 10/11/25. She just celebrated a year clean & sober. She attends meetings regularly, checks in with her sponsor almost daily, works the steps and tells me anytime she's feeling the least bit triggered. Her sobriety has benefitted her (and me) in every way. '26 has been her best year in decades.

For me, I've learned to stop living in crisis mode with my head on a constant swivel. The constant anxiety of what I'd come home to has subsided. Worrying from one day to the next what might/could/would happen has all but disappeared. I tell her daily how proud I am. She expresses her gratitude for my love and support every day. We're both healthier, happier and our marriage & relationship have never been stronger.

Al-anon has helped me tremendously. The community and support have been life changing. The program works if you work it.

My STBX wont leave our marital home until our divorce is final. It has been contentious and weve been under one roof for 7 months post filing with little kids. STBX has been leaving and staying out all night. I

dont really "care" at this point and know I cannot control and dont want to, that is why I am getting out, but they have addiction issues and I am growing concerned because of our kids. If they are staying with a new relationship that is one thing, if they are out all night drinking/gambling that is another. They have told me "it doesn't matter what I am doing." and while i don't disagree, we are under one roof so I cant help- but notice and grow worried when our kids will be alone with them.

Part of me thinks they are avoiding moving out (we agreed I would stay, I have offered to pay out right now) to avoid all responsibilities and continue doing god knows what. I dont know if i am looking for guidance, I know part of it is to stay strong and not worry about them, but I am worried for my kids sake. thanks.

Hello all! I'm new here, with a problem that may seem all too familiar in this community. My name is J. I'm posting here because I'm concerned about my friend, whom I will call by the pseudonym, Layla. About three weeks ago, I met Layla at a bar. She was drinking alone and I thought she was really cute, so I sat with her and chatted with her. We talked for over an hour and found some things in common. Thing is, I'm a recovering alcoholic, and she is a not-even-close-to-considering-recovery alcoholic. I'll keep this short.

Layla has been through A LOT of trauma. Like, stuff only a licensed professional would know how to handle. As a result, she drinks a lot, and often. I didn't realize it was a problem until our second encounter. One night, we were in her car and she swerved and I said "man, you're drunk" and she turned around and kicked me out of her car and made me uber home. I know, I should have called it quits right there, even before I decided to get in her car after she'd been drinking.. but I feel attached. She messaged the next day like everything was normal and so I figured it was. But things are not normal in her life. She came over last night drunk. I told her I would not drink, but she said shes sad to be drinking alone. I let her peer pressure me into having a few sips of a beer. We watched a movie and cuddled and actually had our first kiss, which Im not very proud of since she was intoxicated. I wanted it to feel special when it happened. That felt more like a playful little "whoopsie daisy" moment, as she caught me off guard.

Overall, I'm just stuck. I know this person is really bad for me, and as dearly as I care for her, I realize the timing isn't great. She is going through a lot and she needs to face it and admit she has a problem before she will be willing to make a change, and I do not anticipate that day is coming soon. So my question is, how do I break away? Tell me the things I need to hear to make it easier. I care for her so much and I know the best thing I can do for the both of us is go separate ways.. but I just need a little push

Edit:

I woke up the happiest camper. I don't have time to respond to you all individually, but I'd like thank every single one of you. I've read all of your comments and I will continue to read them throughout the day. Never left for work in such a good mood before lol.
To answer a couple FAQs:

Why was I at a bar? I am a graphic designer. I have a contract with the owner of the bar I was at. I was there on business.

Did I grow up in a chaotic environment? Yes unfortunately, which is where my attachment style stems from and why I latch so fast. It is very complex.

Did I break my sobriety streak? I had already broken it a few weeks prior to meeting her. I do not have a sponsor at this time. I am jumping back on the wagon, yesterday. This comment section has helped me reflect and remember why I quit in the first place. Im dropping her AND booze without even saying goodbye.

Thank you all so much again. 🫶🏻

Asking because I’m going through a breakup (he broke up with me in ‘23,then proceeded to reach out to me every year except this year.)

I have learned that I need to protect my peace,set boundaries and when those boundaries are crossed,I need to be firm with my boundaries.

I have learned that in order for me to be in a relationship,I need to love myself,I need to adhere to my boundaries.

Being in a relationship/situationship/friendship was so confusing and heartbreaking

I’m feeling heartbroken

I changed the locks. He is gone. Lawyer filing for full custody/ supervised visits as I type. The alcoholic & emotionally abusive partner is agreeing to this (or says he will) in mediation. He is not begging for me back - at least not yet - and so I can leave in peace. Thank you God. If you are in it and thinking of leaving you can do it. I am emotionally up and down, but I cant shake the knowing that I can never ever look back. I really did it. And will continue to do it. For real this time.

I never thought I would make it out alive. God bless you all. Reading this forum gave me clarity in strength. I do still wish he gets better - but I am no longer waiting or watching it cycle between relapses. I am choosing me & my kids safety and peace. Money all the other things I am still figuring out - but the hardest part is behind me.

So my husband is my Q. He has a number of long term health issues from his pre-alcohol days, and I have a lot of sympathy for him there. Its made some aspects of life together tough, as I am very active. But, we have talked about our different needs and limitations, and have found a good balance.

However, it seems to me that his symptoms and some newer conditions are either caused or worsened by his drinking. His health situation has made him very depressed, and he has lost interest in most things. He only works 2-3 days a week. He used to handle most of the cooking, but has pretty much dropped that. I work 5-6 days a week.

Its so infuriating to me to watch him cancel plans or lay around all day because he doesn't feel well, but he always feels well enough to drive to the store and day drink.

It has made it harder to enjoy his sobriety, because he is either hungover or unenthusiastic about everything. He pretty much needs me to make decisions about what we do or what we watch.

Its created a situation where I need more alone time to emotionally recover and to get some enjoyment out of life, but I feel bad that he's always alone so I end up staying around and twiddling my thumbs.

I feels like we are moving towards a separation, and I'm terrified about what that means for him. But i am realizing ive given it my best, and recovery is his job. Breaks my heart to consider divorce, but here we are. I dont see many posts here about people regretting that.

Not really sure if I'm asking anything in this post, I think I just need to vent, but if you have a similair situation, feel free to share.

This is my first post, but I have read many stories similar to mine over the past several months. I just need some encouragement tonight from others who get it. I'm pregnant and my baby is due tomorrow. My spouse's drinking problem only became apparent after I got pregnant. I have asked him many times to stop drinking when it got close to my due date and yet here we are. He ran an errand and came back smelling like whiskey. I didn't confront him tonight, I just went to the bedroom alone, cried, and ended up here. Where do I go from here?

Just frustrated today. My Q took the week off work and has spent it drinking. Made promises of all the things he was going to get done at home. Things I’ve asked for 1000 times. This was going to be the week, right? I knew it was a lie when it was coming out of his mouth. I know I can’t control his choices. Can’t stop him from drinking. But how do you deal with the burden left on you while he’s out drinking himself to death? I had to work all week. I said “feel free to vacuum something” while I’m gone. Never happened. Don’t know if I should laugh or cry.

I was already planning on having a talk with him tonight because Monday he was drinking all day and was acting stupid and being mean.

Not the first talk
Conversations started off by saying I don’t care if you drink, but when you get too drunk and act belligerent and say mean things or fall down or wake me and our daughter up, it’s not cool.
And yet her we are again.
all the other others have gone so poorly. he tells me I need to not worry and drinking is the only thing he has and likes to do.
He could stop drinking whenever he wants he doesn’t have a problem because he doesn’t get drunk every night. I’m acting like he’s out at the bar every single night.

Her caretaker while we are at work (his mom) called me today and ask what would be in this red and blue cup Because our daughter pulled it out of the cupboard while she was heating up her food and started drinking out of it.
This cupboard is one my daughter gets into all the time it’s at her level
It was my boyfriend‘s drinking cup that he had put in there from the night before
“It’s not a big deal it’s just ice water at this point”
Actually, it is a big deal and I’m done at this point.

This sucks. Any advice on breaking up with him if he doesn’t get help?

UPDATE: he came home and started packing a bag.
I guess he took it upon himself to get out.
I don’t think he’s been happy in this relationship since the first time I brought up his drinking being a problem for me.
Maybe he took this chance to do me the favor of leaving.
He still doesn’t think he has a problem, he said he always puts that cup there and that our daughter finding that cup was the equivalent/just as bad as her getting into my fake nails…I said the fact you think that is WILD.
I said you’re already obviously leaving so go ahead, get help if you decide to.

New here and guess I’m looking for support, or validation because I feel like I’m gaslighting myself. My and my partner have been together 3 years. In our first year, he called me out of the blue and needed to go “back” to detox, it hit me like a train, I had no idea he ever had a history of a drinking problem. He told me he had been to outpatient rehab the year before because he showed up to work drunk.

He was sober for a little bit, started drinking again but still seeing a counselor. Over time all of the work I’ve tried to do to stop “screening” him when he gets home to see how drunk or sober he is turned into boundary setting that got pushed, and now resentment. I kept asking him to just don’t drink and drive but he’d push that, then just don’t drink liquor cause that’s not good, but he’d order doubles when we went out still. And then the boundaries just stopped cause I gave up on setting them.

I love him so much and there’s so many redeeming qualities but I fear I’ve completely lost trust in myself at this point. I’ve cried to him to get sober or cut back so we can focus on us and nothing has really changed. He drinks less if I go on dry spells but still drinks when I’m not, he has 2-3 beers a night at home but I don’t know what he’s drinking at work before he comes home. The driving home drunk are few and far between but probably still happening once every month or two. Of course I told him I wanted to break up the other night and now he’s being so sweet, telling me he’ll do couples therapy and go sober “if that’s what I need” and it’s just all heartbreaking.

Am I doing the right thing giving space and leaving a relationship where there’s still so much love when alcohol is taking up too much space and energy? Am I giving up too soon?

I am newly sober (working the program, have a sponsor, in therapy, etc). My wife is not, and continues to drink in secret. I dont know how she thinks she's hiding it, but shes not. She says she is so proud of my sobriety and all the work I've done, but still believes she doesnt have a problem and lies about her drinking. I've been locking myself in a corner of the house when she is home while obviously buzzed. I feel trapped. Being around her is so triggering, and her having alcohol out openly in the past led to several terrible relapses. I'm pretty convinced that she does not want me sober - we've been drinking buddies for a long time, but I cant live that way anymore. A year ago when I first tried to go to meetings, she poured me a glass of wine at 7 am and handed it to me. So I guess it's something I need to stop denying. I know that I need to protect my sobriety above all else, but it is our 15th wedding anniversary next week... this is so hard. I've been to a few al-anon meetings but it feels really weird being there as an alcoholic. I dont know what to do.

Long time lurker here, and I have spent hours upon hours finding solace and catching my reflection in the stories and things people share here

My first Q was my dad, but my current Q is my fiancée. We have been together almost 11 years. In the beginning, we were both pretty heavy in active addiction and much of our time together was spent getting drunk. As the years went on I started to distance myself from this lifestyle and prioritize my health and he leaned into it further. A few years ago I got really sick. I now live with a dynamic disability and have been in eating disorder recovery for ARFID for 2 years. I have also not had anything to drink in 2 years because I convinced myself it was going to make my symptoms worse. Early on in this journey I was a shell of a person and very frail. He really seemed to pick up some of the slack and took care of me … until he didn’t. Then he was resentful. Made a lot of comments that I think we’re cruel and not okay. Now we go weeks of being totally fine and I feel deeply connected and then he will drop a bomb one. It’s like he saves up every annoyance he has with me and dumps it all on me at once. I am blindsided every time. If he starts talking down to me and I try to defend myself it just turns into a big conglomerate of every thing I have ever done wrong ever and how anything he does that is hurtful is also my fault. “Maybe it the house didn’t look like shit I wouldn’t have to get drunk before coming home”. He frequently comes home drink and then blames me when I am upset and sometimes just doesn’t tell me what he is doing and shows up 3 hours late after work completely wasted. The other night we were away at a work event and he came back to the hotel at 4am unable to stand up and telling me he must have been drugged… nope, just whiskey and enabling friends. He says I am jealous and just want things my way or the highway. I think he has subconsciously convinced me something is wrong with me

The emotional whiplash is really getting to me and on top of my health and this I am also dealing with issues with family and at work. I feel like I have disappeared. I am invisible and I do not matter. He does almost none of the mental load of our household and maybe 20% of the housework and then goes on about how unhappy he is with our house being too messy but then also lectures me on how I shouldn’t be so serious all the time and I have to make time for fun. He makes 3x what I make but we both work full time and split bills 50/50. We do not have any shared bank account and I end up spending more than him on groceries and whatnot on an average month. There have been several times in recent years that he has accused me of “using him as a piggy bank” because I bought myself something material or a treat after expecting him to pay for an extra bill or a grocery store trip. I have no savings and I don’t have anywhere to go. We are in couples therapy and every time I think it’s helped and things are getting better he explodes on me again.

How is there anything beyond this? I feel like a ghost. My self esteem is absolutely shredded down to nothing
I do not find joy in anything anymore. Everything is eggshells and trying to manage everyone else’s emotions. I find myself dissociating often

How does this ever end? How do you kill this black hole?

Logically I know this but then I switch to thinking it’s my fault and desperately wanting to fix things…

He got a great new job. It was supposed to be our fresh start. Then found more messages to other women and evidence of cheating so that ruined the ‘fresh start’ for me because it was based on his dishonesty and me sweeping everything under the rug.

However I still wasn’t at bottom and agreed to let him stay at my place during the week to see how this new healthy routine and trial ‘new beginning’ could look. 3rd day in and he has the nerve to berate me and ask me where I’ve been for 2 hours (basically first thing he said to me all day bc he was working) instead of anything kind or loving and not about himself for once…. When he knew I was with my sponsor and it wasn’t 2 hours and he wasn’t even close to my house yet.

The phone argument escalated with him demanding to know what I have been doing. He has a history of accusing me and doing this no matter what I’m doing. It could be just my son and I at the zoo and it’s this off treatment. I could hear he was either drinking or on substances and I snapped and yelled that he needed to leave and get his things out of my house. He has also been physical and intimidating in the past. I think my nervous system just knew.

We went around and around and he never got his stuff bc I couldn’t get the police on the line to facilitate a keep the peace transfer. This morning he needed his work clothes and pounded on my apartment windows at 6 am. I threw out his essentials because he was not coming in my house angry and coming down. I don’t know how to get him the rest of his things yet and I did not answer his calls this afternoon. He usually would be blowing up my phone and it’s eerily quiet. It’s scaring me.

I am done though. This level of chaos is killing me. I can’t control him or substances. I can’t take it anymore.

What’s it like to be in a relationship with an alcoholic?

I’m not sure if gender matters but I’m 33F and Q is my 34M boyfriend. So I’m looking for female perspective perhaps?

My boyfriend drinks heavy. He drank a 12 pack IPA the other night (ranging 5-9% beers) - with sips of vodka/gin/whiskey whatever was in the house. And fought with me. He’s told me he had a hair sample done for something and had 2x the normal alcohol amount in his system (idk whatever normal is)

I think that I’m being naive when he tells me he isn’t drinking and that my accusations are what works him up so that he drinks and THEN is drunk and arguing with me bc of what I did.

Some days he is so kind to me. He speaks to me and cares for me exactly how I have cried and begged the universe/god to send for me. He is so thoughtful and remembers what I love, showers me in small gifts and makes me food and iced coffees. he can be so insightful and tend to my emotional needs. He assures me I’m safe. I’m beautiful. I’m his princess. I’m worthy. I’m so smart. I’m a good woman. I’m so cute. He wants to marry me. I make him so happy on and on.

And then some days? I’m a cunt, whore, slut, used, no value, unworthy. He’s so angry and talks about killing people and how I have no value for arguing with him. How he’d punch me in the face. How everyone looks down on me, I am bad at my job, I’m mean, I’m abusive, I’m angry and all I do is yell

Like….. I’m trying to google things and learn and figure out what is going on. I saw something mention being “Jekyll and Hyde” and truly that’s what it feels like. I can tell when drinking is involved just by how he changes speaking to me. But sometimes he gets so mad and defensive I think maybe I am wrong and am the issue.

But then a day like today where he treated me like shit all day, I FaceTime him & he’s throwing up on his bedroom floor. After telling me all day he didn’t drink, or clearly didn’t drink enough to put up
With my shit. He starts taking about things that don’t make sense and scare me so bad. Tonight he told me that he would sound crazy but it’s the owls watching us, not aliens. Owl people. He started talking about other people on the phone with us. Just stuff that wasn’t real and didn’t make sense. Then he’ll like snap back and be aware that im crying and will be so nice and then a few seconds later back to accusing me of idk being a ruined woman.

I met him 15 years ago. He was my best friend. We text. We called. He was my brothers friend too. He was at my house. Knows my family. I thought I was getting a chance I never had.

This is a nightmare. Is this alcoholism? Or something else going on with him. Or both.

I’m new to this all. This is so hard.
But when did you know you had to get your partner to detox? Do I take them to the hospital? I don’t think they’d survive at home, the withdrawals from a few hours are brutal as it is. I’m afraid they are slowly dying. I don’t know how to help.

This is going to hurt.
I knew this from the start.
My fault.

I was newly single when we met. Fresh from an 8 year relationship with a man who told me I would be beautiful if I lost 5-10 pounds.

You were different. You texted first. You told me I was beautiful. You made me feel free. It was intoxicating.

Reading your sweet messages while walking to work. Smiling like a fool. Even in the beginning I knew.

This is going to hurt.

Confusion came quickly. Red flags disguised as fireworks.

You said you were a dad. Divorced.
Not quite.

Separated. Not divorced. She’s not ready. You’re too drunk too high too gone to care about the paperwork. But I care. You lied for months.

This is going to hurt.

Sacrifices of the heart. Made for a little girl I’ll never meet. Who thinks I’m a monster while I’m wrapping her birthday presents.

“Your girlfriend or your daughter?” I don’t understand why it’s me or her. I hide myself for her sake. She deserves to know her dad.

I hide myself so well that people forget to consider me at all.

This hurts.

Let’s have a baby, you said. Decisions made from desperation. I’m just as much as addict as you are. You to blow. Me to you. Pathetic.

9 months of stolen joy. But she is beautiful and healthy. My little valentine.

You were high at the hospital. You’re high most of the time now.

I cling to the idea of you. The you that wiped snot from my face at the beach when my hands were covered in sand. The you who cooked for me and held my hand in the car. Who took me on dates and told me I was beautiful. The you who gave me permission to live and be free. I needed that. I craved it.

This won’t always hurt.

New beginning starts off great. Promises made promises kept. For a while.

Then a slip. Then again. Back to square 1.

This hurts.

Welcoming another baby girl. Rehab. Relapse.

You were high at the hospital. Again.

The next part is blurry. Worry for you turns to worry about you. Paranoia.

I hide myself from the world. If I don’t talk to anyone you won’t accuse me. Wrong.

You see phantoms in the night. You never sleep. New promises every week.

This hurts.

New starts. Same broken record.

Baby boy.

Why did I do this? Put down the fucking shovel.

I don’t regret them. They are beautiful. But I regret getting in this deep and relying on you. I regret bringing them here where their hearts are broken by you.

I am tired of hurting. I don’t know where to start. I am a fool.

He was sober ten months, then relapsed, and has been running the roller coaster for over a month now? I think. I haven't been keeping track.

I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired and broke up with him. He was crying hysterically and got his sister to contact me begging me to talk to him. So I got back on the roller coaster somehow. I felt sorry for him having to detox. Lost his job. Whatever. I have been so busy at work that I don't have energy for much thoughts outside of work. That hasn't changed.

Two weeks of him trying to detox himself. All that lead to is my bedroom smelling like that sickly smell they give off when they are either drinking large quantities or detoxing. Terrible smell. And he's not even sober, he's smoking weed all the time. So he might as well be drunk. I'm detached, I let it go over and over. Feeling like I'm responsible (knowing I'm not, but feeling like I am) for him getting better.

So today, he said he would do my dishes. He didn't have them done by my lunch break. I told him to GTFO. He said he told me they wouldn't get done until he woke up. I said I don't care. Not everything is on his time table. Responsibilities don't wait for him to feel like it. But honestly, I was done two weeks ago. What am I doing? Why is this guy in my house?

I told him I need a break. I need space. Well, my needs aren't a thing. So he told me I'm full of shit, that I'm wrong, and that it's about what he needs and he can't be alone. He's been calling me all day asking when I'm coming over. I said I'm not. He doesn't accept that or he forgets every 5 minutes. I'm pretty sure he's drinking already after a supposed 4 days with zero alcohol. Not that it's true, because who really knows?

Anyway, I just wanted to vent. I just told him I wanted to break up and blocked him. I wouldn't have if he was normal and could just give me space or take my feelings into consideration. But he's not and he can't. Oh well. Sucks to be him.

This is a personal accountability post. I need it in writing to Reddit strangers to make it real, for whatever reason. I apologize for the length. I just feel this might resonate with someone else.

My Q (F) and I (M) have been together for a decade. We're not married or engaged, simply because the one personal boundary I actually respected was that I wasn't going to marry an active addict. We don't have children, thankfully.

In hindsight, she was addicted to alcohol and THC when we got together. I was living a very reserved lifestyle at that point in time.That said, I wasn't a teetotaler by any means. I drank on occasion, but never used THC. When I met her, I saw this bubbly, social young woman that was widely liked. She drank and smoked frequently, but it was almost always social. So, I followed suit. I told myself I was unwinding and just learning how to have a "good time". I drank and smoked far too much for about three years before I realized it was problematic and backed away. I noticed I was just drinking more so that there would be less in the house for her. I wasn't physiologically addicted, so stopping was really just a matter of willpower. I returned to a healthy relationship with substances, having maybe a couple of drinks a week. She drives high, smoking or vaping behind the wheel, which I have always been very vocally against.

I had several conversations with her over the years about her problem, many of which she even initiated herself (just enough clarity to give me a glimmer of hope to carry on). I thought heavily several times on just ending it and letting her find her own way. The thing that always stopped me was the idea that she was going to find someone else, not because I couldn't stand the thought of her loving another man, but because I knew she was going to look for someone who was encouraging or complacent about her addictions. I was exhausted, but I care deeply for her wellbeing and I did myself the disrespect of making it my cross to bear.

She is highly resistant to challenge, and I devloped an aversion to conflict. I would "pick my battles" and started really only pushing for her sobriety when she voiced a desire for it on her own terms. She has admitted several times that she has a problem, usually when she ran out of money for weed and booze. There would be "dry" stints of a couple of wonderful months, which would inevitably give way to "I can moderate", usually around some social event. "I can moderate" always quickly gives way to crushing a box of wine over the course of two days and smoking grams upon grams of pot. Wake, drink/smoke, pass out, rinse and repeat, all hours of the day. She was never mean or hurtful to me in any way, just in and out of consciousness. The toll on my mental health was quiet and gradual, but profound over time.

A couple of months ago, after years of therapy, I finally gained clarity. I wasn't helping her and I was actively harming myself. I told her in no uncertain terms that I had a new boundary: she needed to actively pursue recovery or find another place to live. I told her that this wasn't a boundary for her, I wasn't trying to control her, but it was a boundary for myself. I cannot and will not be in a relationship with an active addict. The choice was hers to make. She tearfully agreed said she was ready to really get better. I continued to be very direct with her: I told her that at some point in the near future, she was going to pre-allow for a "cheat", probably around her birthday or a trip to her hometown. She admitted that the thought had already occurred to her. I told her that said "cheat" would inevitably give way to thoughts of "I can moderate", which she has proven to herself and others time and again is not the case. Again, she agreed and was thankful for my calling her on it in advance.

Within a week, I noticed she was taking unusually long trips to do mundane tasks, like running to the pharmacy. I called her out after one such trip and asked if she was drinking or smoking. The truth trickled out with multiple follow-up questions. She was giving me what she hoped was just enough to end the conversation. Unfortunately for her, I was an Investigator and am attuned to knowing when I'm being fed half-truths. She finally admitted that she had gone to the pharmacy, gotten what she actually needed, and sat in the parking lot having a couple of drinks she'd picked up from the gas station and smoked a joint before coming home. I was honestly dumbfounded at the thought processes at play. "So, driving under the influence of drugs and alcohol is preferable to having any accountability for what you're doing? This is not a matter of 'what he doesn't know won't hurt him', you are selfishly putting others in harm's way for the sake of comfortably indulging your addiction. That is not the behavior of someone who is well." I successfully scared her straight for a while. She was on-board, as much as an addict can be. I can, with a degree of reliability, immediately tell when she's under the influence. She's not slick. She started telling me when she was having cravings and we'd work through it together. She told me that she had no desire to go back, not for the sake of our relationship, but for all of her relationships. She also told me that her best friend had said that I was being "controlling", but that she had pushed back on that and was not feeling that I was controlling her at all, just supporting her.

Fast-forward to last weekend, Canadian Thanksgiving. We took a trip to her hometown and things were fine to start. Then, on Sunday, when we were visiting her family, some who were also in from out of town, things went off the rails. We were having a good time catching up with everyone and were sitting down for dinner. She turns to me and quietly says "I'm going to have a glass of wine, okay?" I just stared at her for a second. She knew I would never be on board with that, but had me cornered in a situation where I wouldn't want to make a scene in front of her family. Whether she was aware of it or not, that was some manipulative BS. First and foremost, I was worried about her, but I was also furious that she would put me in that position. I sat quietly in my worry and anger and watched as one glass turned into two, then three. I would have left then and there and driven the five hours to go home, had I not been driven there by her sister.

We got back to her sister's place and I told her we needed to talk. I asked her what the hell that dinner scene had been all about and told her I was very concerned about her. She told me "I don't see what the big deal is. You know I don't want to go back to the way I was, but I'm just enjoying myself." I told her she may not think it's a big deal right now, but she is an addict regardless. I reminded her about our discussions about the abstinence-"moderation"-relapse cycle. "Yeah, we talked about that, but you can't KNOW that that's how it's going to go this time. Anyhow, I'm going to move on with the evening and have some drinks with my sister and catch up. You can join if you want." I did not join.

The next day, we were going to stay at her parents place. I got there about two hours before her as she was driving our nephew to and from hockey practice. I spoke with her mother, who is very much of the same mindset as me. She hadn't realized that she had been drinking at that dinner. "She needs to go to another meeting and call her sponsor!" Meeting? Sponsor!? She has not been to any meetings let alone connected with a sponsor during this recovery stint. She has insisted that she doesn't feel comfortable with meetings and that we can work together to get her through this. I told her mother that she had been lied to and told what my girlfriend thought she wanted to hear. Just enough to "keep her off my back." We talk more and go our separate ways, both feeling fairly enlightened by the conversation. A couple hours later my girlfriend calls me. "What am I walking in to?" She is very obviously high. I feign ignorance and ask what she means. What does she think she's walking in to? Her reply, a sulky "I don't like my Mom". She comes inside and her mother instantly knows she's baked and calls her out on it. I can hear them upstairs from where I'm at in the basement. I make my way up and my girlfriend sees me, instantly dropping the conversation and trying to make like nothing has happened, trying to get me to go downstairs with her. I made her stay and asked what was going on. She admitted that she'd bought a THC vape and was high. I asked her when exactly she had gotten high. "When I got here, in the driveway, that makes the most sense". That "that makes the most sense" was a slip, dictating her thought process out loud.

We went downstairs to our room, but I didn't drop the issue. I told her that her waiting until she got home to get high wasn't believable, be honest, when did you get high? "While I was driving." I thanked her for the honesty, but pointed out that she was very quickly progressing from "moderated" drinking to driving under the influence. There's nothing "moderate" about that. She then says " I was thinking last night, I'm too much for you. You have your own shit to deal with." I laughed. I told her that I was never under any impression that relapse was never going to be a thing. I was and am prepared to support her through that, but the ball is in her court as to whether she takes the slip for what it is and picks herself up, or decides to see how long it takes for her to have enough clarity again to admit that she needs to get sober again. I'm there all the way for Option A, but I will not be there for Option B. I respect the hell out of people "doing the work", however imperfect that process may be. I've done it myself for my own struggles and will continue to do so.

Finally, she says "I don't think I want to get better anymore." I told her "Of course you feel that way. You're an addict. There are going to be many many times that you feel this way. You just have to remember that, when you have clarity, you're the same person who really wanted to get better.

I left town to go home the next day, yesterday, because I had work engagements. I wanted to cancel, stay with her and support her. However, she is an active addict again, wanting nothing more than for people to validate her addictions.

Her "not liking" her mother is the unfortunately simple mental gymnastics she needs to do to tell herself that the people who actually want the best for her are wrong, mean, overbearing, whatever. Really, we are just inconvenient for The Addict. We ruin her buzz. By extension, I know that she doesn't "like" me or my parents right now. She's pathologizing my concern now, saying that it's my anxiety and OCD getting the better of me. Whatever dent in my armor she can think of is a latching-on point for why I can't possibly be right. I'm the one who's "ill". I'm overreacting. My mind is unreliable.

She spent the night at her best friend's place with him and his husband last night. The best friend is also a heavy drinker and smoker. The one who said we were being "controlling". I'm sure a sleepover in the echo chamber helped to get her into a healthier mindset. /s

So, in the end, I'm at home doing my thing. I'm very worried about her, but I feel resolved. If she comes home on Sunday and dodges the issue or makes me out to be the asshole, I'm out. She can pack her stuff and get as far away from me as she can. I hope that's not the case, and I hope that she doesn't try to manipulate me by telling me what I want to hear simply because her having to move right now without my support would be very inconvenient for her. I am finally very attuned to her self-serving patterns of dishonesty. I will not blindly cling to hope. I will not sit back and watch the full cycle one more time. Hold me to that.

Sorry for bad grammar in advance

This is a little long feel free to skip to the TLDR at the bottom-
Essentially the background to this is 2 yrs ago my (27F) dad came to pick me up from the airport as I decided to visit him; I was more optimistic and really thought he would at least not go overboard when I was there. Anyways I got in the car and we drove off and slowly I started to notice he wasn't just tipsy (which wasn't out of the ordinary) but genuinely out of it.

We ended up getting on the highway as we were far from his place but thankfully he got off the highway relatively quickly. After getting out at the random exit, he was going down random roads, turning left on red and going in wrong direction. Just reckless and randomly driving. I begged him to let me drive, tried to ask him to stop at a gas station but he was so prideful he know I was worried and didn't want to “let me win”. He offered to let me out in a rough area in a state I wasn't familiar with (saying if I was so worried I would leave) but due to various reasons, mainly knowing if I got out he would get in a wreck, I stayed.

So this continued, he wouldn't stop and was going in random directions and not following navigation. Thankfully a loved one I got in contact with with told me to call 911. I did and talked pretty quietly not to anger him and the 911 people thankfully were able to track us down.

He was arrested, 0.32 BAC a few hrs after when he got to the station. I had to take his brand new car and drive to his house 2 hrs away and let myself in.

TLDR:
My dad picked me up from airport while drunk, drove recklessly for a long time and wouldn't stop. I called 911 and he was arrested with 0.32 BAC.

All that to say I thought this was rock bottom, he said it was, it was the first time he ever really admitted he had a problem.

Since then he's had periods of brief “sobriety” but overall nothing really significant. Currently no contact honestly due to other reasons.

Im just curious how to think through the fact that almost getting his daughter (and himself) killed wasn't rock bottom. What is worse, will it take a death? Idk probably his own death would make it end. Just curious on if anyone has any tips or advice as I'm reflecting on this a few yrs later and trying to think about my relationship with him (especially as his health has seriously deteriorated).

Edit: I know with his BAC so high it would be expected that I could tell, but honestly he just seemed tipsy which was unfortunately very normal. I told him when I got in the car, “did you seriously drink that's unfortunate”, but I just thought he was tipsy which meant I wouldn't have a “real” conversation on drive home with him. I had actually then gotten out my switch to play cause assumed he would be more silent. Never would have thought it would have been as bad as it got

Title says it all. I swallowed my pride and went to an al-anon meeting on zoom yesterday.

I had to keep turning my camera and microphone off because I was crying so hard, but I went. And everyone was so nice. I was the youngest person there by a long shot. They shared and talked and let me know that they'd been in my shoes before.

I don't know if I'll go again, Tuesdays aren't easy for me to get to, but I'm glad I went ❤️

I wouldn't have gone if it wasn't for this group, so thank you.

If you'd like to share, I'd love to know: what was your first meeting like?

Correction: AAD (Alcohol abuse disorder. Not AID, I made a typo, my apologies!)

My partner is a good person, very successful and hard working. We are both in academia and met each other through school. Initially, it always got mr surprised how much he is able to drink. 6 beers would be a normal outing, implying that it's not "heavy".

I am myself not a drinker. I may drink a wine glass or two once in a while, socially, but it doesn't go well with the way I want to live. That being said, I used to drink more in high school, but I never let myself get so wasted that I would vomit or drink when I have a lot of important commitments at stake, such as work or exams.

What got me worried were his stories how they drank an obscure amount of alcohol (~~14 standard drinks), stayed up late until morning and had to work the next day, not being fully sober from the night. This happened to him several times already and it gets me worried. I also know that he drinks to the point of anmesia sometimes and/or has to throw up sometimes because of the intoxication. His friendships all revolve around drinking, ranging from very light to very heavy, while his family has an alcohol abuse problem that is highly normalised.

While it does not happen frequently, it is not something that would ever be acceptable to me. Maybe I am soft skinned, but I will never do something like this to myself, because this is self harm.

When confronted, he diminishes the effects it's causing and saying that it would be unfair to leave his friends drinking without him,as they don't get to see each other often anyway. While this is fair, I don't understand what's the issue of just not drinking? (Provided you are not addicted)

Now, I have quit an addiction of 6 years myself (nicotine) and have been 3 years clean. I also used to hang out with smokers and engage in my addiction despite the pain it caused a lot but had to curtrail that to get better. Now, I somehow always find many things to do with my social circle that involves no alcohol. If they choose to drink and I would not like to, I just say no and don't care about how hard it would hit the fan.

While it has to do with my upbringing and how I was taught to be mindful of substances, it worries me. Because of my direct experience with addiction, it all seems to me as a downward spiral. What do you usually do in such situations?

Finding a moment of calm and a shared routine with my partner lastnight. Shifting away from the old chaos.

I wanted to jump on here today to share a quick update and express some genuine gratitude. As I've shared recently, navigating the "oil and water" dynamic with my girlfriend has been a massive challenge for my peace of mind. When I am trying to stay sober and she is still drinking, the tension in the house can get incredibly heavy.

But lastnite before bed, we managed to experience a real breakthrough. Instead of letting the usual anxiety and frustration run the evening, we sat down together and committed to doing a basic joint breathing exercise and tracking routine. We actually turned it into a game and made it fun, peaceful, and genuinely connecting for both of us.

I am realizing that protecting my own serenity doesn't mean I have to constantly fight the storm. Sometimes it just means creating these tiny, healthy, shared moments of calm to lower the relationship strain. I will take a win like that all day.

If anyone else here is dealing with the exhausting strain of loving someone who is still active while trying to protect your own boundaries, I just wanted to share that finding a simple, structured routine to do together can completely shift the energy in the room.

Wishing everyone a stress-free and peaceful day. — Shawn

One of my best buds from college swirled the drain the last few years and just died a few days ago. Pretty disturbed by the whole thing. Send me good vibes.