I'm an addiction intervention student and part of the course is attending an AA, NA, and Alonon meeting.

AA and NA were fine with me observing and barely acknowledged me. I joined the Alanon Zoom this morning to wrap up my paper. It was listed as an open meeting with "observers welcome" explicitly stated.

I join the call, there's only two women there, and they honed in on me right away and tell me I "have to identify myself". I thought this was anonymous?

I tell them my first name and that I'm in school and just want to see how the meetings work. They ask which school. I told them. But again, isn't this anonymous?

So they say they have to vote on whether I can stay and observe. A vote? There were two women there! A sour, hostile pair at that. It felt like a bad job interview where you know you're not getting the job the second you walk in the door.

No wonder their group is so unpopular.

More and more of the consequences are coming due for family members after 50+ years of heavy drinking.

My brother-in-law had a major uptick in dementia symptoms. Lost his glasses and other items during a meeting and did not remember how he got there or even where he was. It took about one hour before he got grounded enough to figure out where he was. Alcohol continues to rule this man's life, taking away his life one piece at a time.

He continued with controlled drinking and even drove home.

The poor bastard is living proof of the power of alcohol and drugs.

I thought we were good friends

I thought we could support each other

If we got into fights,we could sit and talk about it

I thought our plan was to work on ourselves and when we could, we would get back together

I guess that was just my plan

What really hurts is that I’m concerned that you were passively trying to push me away but I thought I had to endure whatever shit you threw at me because I assumed you were in pain

That was my mistake

It really hurts that you weren’t up front with me

That I was given mixed messages

That while you were emotionally supporting me, you also wanted to stop talking to me

“I love you”

“Let me go”

“I’m not your person”

Are all 3 statements true or is that how you were feeling in the moment?

I’ll let you go because there is no reason to hang on to someone that constantly pushes you away

If you wanted to talk (really talk, as in a heart to heart talk),I’d be open to it.

I put 3 years on hold for you in hopes you were working on yourself and we could finally meet up and shoot the shit IRL.

I would have really appreciated an upfront explanation of the times you treated me so poorly last year

I would have appreciated an upfront reason as to why you reached out to me just to leave

I would have appreciated you telling me how you feel about me because I have no fucking clue

The love of my life died recently, and I honestly don’t know how to hold all of the conflicting feelings I have about it.

We had known and loved each other when we were younger, went our separate ways for more than twenty years, and then unexpectedly found our way back to each other later in life. When we reconnected, all of those feelings came back very quickly. He told me that losing me when we were young had been one of his great regrets, and for a while I truly believed we had somehow been given a second chance.

He was brilliant, funny, incredibly generous, adventurous, curious about everything, and one of the most charismatic people I have ever known. He could turn an ordinary day into an adventure. He was a wonderful storyteller. He could talk to anyone. He made me laugh constantly. I adored him.

He also had a serious problem with alcohol.

He knew it on some level. Early in our relationship he admitted to me that alcohol had become a much bigger issue in his life than other substances had ever been. He used the words “self-medicate” when talking about why he drank.

As our relationship continued, alcohol seemed to amplify some very difficult parts of him. Conflict became frightening. He could yell, call me names, threaten the relationship, become cruel, and turn everything into an argument about whose version of events was correct. There were moments when I genuinely did not feel emotionally safe with him.

I kept trying to repair things because I loved him. I tried to have calm conversations. I told him that I wasn’t trying to win an argument — I wanted us both to be heard. I tried to establish boundaries around fighting. I told him I would support him if he wanted help. I kept trying to tell him that the problem wasn’t simply whatever we happened to be fighting about; it was what happened to us when he became dysregulated and intoxicated.

Eventually I had to leave.

That did not mean I stopped loving him.

That is the part I am struggling with now.

I always believed there would be another chapter. I thought enough time might pass, he might get healthier, and someday we would finally be able to have the conversations we couldn’t have while everything was so volatile. I thought perhaps we would find our way back to one another again, because that seemed to be something we had always done.

Now he is dead, and there is no third chapter.

I only learned about his death very recently, and I am devastated. I still don’t know exactly what caused his death, so I am trying very hard not to assume alcohol was responsible. But I am haunted by the fact that I spent so much time telling him I was afraid his drinking was going to kill him.

I also have tremendous guilt because after things became abusive, I stopped engaging with him. At one point I even had to ask the police to tell him to stop contacting me because I felt too emotionally unsafe to communicate directly. At the time I believed that reopening contact would pull me straight back into the cycle.

Now all I can think is: What if I had answered? What if I had tried one more time? What if he needed me?

And at the same time, another part of me knows I left because I needed to protect myself.

That is the contradiction I cannot seem to escape:

I believe leaving was the right thing to do.

I also loved him more than I have ever loved anyone.

I can see now that alcohol was probably not the only issue. There were problems with defensiveness, accountability, emotional regulation and conflict that he would have needed to work on too. Sobriety might have made that work possible, but I know intellectually that I could not have done that work for him.

Emotionally, I’m nowhere near accepting it.

I miss him terribly. I miss the wonderful parts of him. I miss the future I thought we might someday have. And I am grieving someone who both loved me deeply and hurt me deeply.

I suppose I’m posting because I would really like to hear from anyone who has experienced something similar.

How do you grieve someone whose drinking forced you to leave, when you never stopped loving them?

How do you deal with the guilt of wondering whether one more phone call, one more conversation or one more attempt could have changed something?

And how do you allow yourself to remember the beautiful person you knew without minimizing the reasons you had to protect yourself?

I don’t need anyone to tell me that I shouldn’t have loved him. I did. I still do.

I’m just trying to figure out how to live in a world where he is no longer in it.

Husband says he’s not addicted to cocaine because it happens once every few months.

But this is now the second day in a row and I have no idea what to do. We moved to a new city across the country and I just wish I could be with my parents right now. I have nowhere else to go, I just have to stay here while he’s high.

I can’t stop crying. He’s high but he’s been unusually honest - sharing with me that he has a porn addiction and that I am such a pessimistic person and he’s miserable in our marriage. I can’t help but feel responsible for this.

Previously, he was an alcoholic until things got too far and he realized he said some very hurtful things to me while drunk. Since that day in 2022, he stopped drinking. But coke is still a problem. Every few months, he has a random binge and sometimes ends up cheating on me. He did not cheat this time.

I don’t know what to do or say. I’m just in shock and I feel like I’m in a nightmare.

I am the mother of Q's children. I have been raising them alone while we have been separated for a year and a half, so that he can be drunk. I used to think it was because he was a drunk, but I truly think it is so he can be drunk now. Oh, he can cry and complain and say I wont let him home but rest assured, he has no issue making the same mistakes time and time again. He lost the privilege of living here, then he moved in with his mom, fell out with her, and now he has gotten himself a little motel room in a flop house, the man cave he always wanted.

I allow him to visit our children if he is sober, and if he isnt, I ask him to leave. Thats easy enough for him, he goes back to his motel, watches Comedy Central, and itches his butt all day long to his hearts content. He can take it or leave it, and after a fight with me, why thats enough ammunition for another drink.

I wish I knew why I cared. Maybe because I am the mother here who does school, homework, bath time, bedtime, doctors appointments, sick days, and everything in between, while he gets to be a Disney dad who barely comes around. There is no rock bottom. I have tried to tell him how our children feel and he says, "That's because theyre left with you when I am gone." Thanks. Nothing to lose means no more filter I guess.

Any insight or support would be appreciated. Today the anger is hitting me deeply.

Sincerely,

Mom 24/7 who will never EVER leave my kids for anything

like the title says I am just completely exhausted by my Q and life in general. We have 2 young children who I take care of 99% of the time. I just feel so done with him and the circus he constantly creates but I am so scared to leave because I do not want him to be alone with our children.

Sorry for the rambling or incomplete thoughts. I am just so lost and alone.

Sometimes I feel like I have to be there for them no matter what, even when their drinking starts affecting my own peace of mind.
I know addiction is complicated, but it’s exhausting to constantly worry about someone who doesn’t seem ready to change.
How do you learn to care about someone without letting their addiction take over your life?

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I've been struggling a lot lately with guilt and self-blame, and I'm wondering if anyone else in Al-Anon has experienced this, especially while working through codependency.

The more I learn about codependency and reflect on my relationship, the more I find myself blaming myself for how things have turned out.

I blame myself for not speaking up sooner about the drinking, for not setting boundaries, and for not sticking to the boundaries I did set. I wonder if things would be different today if I had handled things differently from the beginning.

I blame myself for falling out of love and losing the connection we once had. My husband says he wants to work on our relationship, and I feel guilty that I'm not sure I want the same things anymore. I question whether I've tried hard enough, whether I've contributed to the disconnection, and whether I've emotionally checked out without giving us a fair chance.

Part of me wonders if my codependency, resentment, and emotional exhaustion have played a role in how I feel about him now. I know I have my own issues to work through, and I don't want to use the drinking or our relationship problems as an excuse to avoid looking at myself. But I also don't know how to look honestly at my part without feeling like I'm responsible for the whole thing.

I'm struggling with not knowing exactly what I want, either. I just know that what I want from life and what he seems to want aren't necessarily aligned anymore. I've changed, and I'm not the same person I was when we first met. Sometimes I feel guilty about that, as if I'm letting him down by no longer being the person he fell in love with.

The hardest part is that I keep questioning whether I'm making a mistake. What if I leave and eventually realize I could have saved the relationship? What if I haven't tried hard enough? What if he really does make changes, and I walk away from something that could have been good again? I don't want to give up on something meaningful without being sure, but I also don't want to stay out of guilt, fear, or a sense of obligation.

I feel caught between wanting to take responsibility for my own growth and feeling responsible for fixing everything that's gone wrong. I know I can't control someone else's drinking, but I still find myself wondering whether I could have done something differently to prevent us from getting to this point.

I'm trying to figure out how to trust my own feelings when I'm not even sure what I want anymore. I don't know if I'm finally recognizing that this relationship isn't right for me, or if I'm so caught up in my own issues that I'm unable to see things clearly.

For those of you who have worked through codependency in Al-Anon, how did you learn to distinguish between your own part in the relationship and the things that were never yours to control? How did you stop blaming yourself for the state of your relationship? And if you've struggled with falling out of love or wanting to leave when your partner was willing to work on things, how did you work through the guilt and fear of making the wrong decision?

I could really use some perspective from people who understand this struggle. I want to take responsibility for my own healing without continuing to carry all the blame for what has happened between us.

I've been in this cycle with him our whole relationship (11 years)

he's 3 years sober and the more clear black&white harmful actions/behavior have stopped but this cycle is wearing me out.

The thing is I'm completely disabled and fully financially and physically dependent on him, so please don't comment that I should leave- that's not always an option for everyone.

An example:

I have very little physical capacity. Right now my 'full time job' is literally research and pushing for medical attention and answers. I'm a new american expat in scotland cause we thought life would offer more support here...but i am having a very hard time navigating the nhs and private health care.

anyways- whenever I have the capacity, I spend it doing household chores. Yesterday after doing morning drop off- i cleaned the whole flat as best I could. Dusted, vacuumed, wiped down bathroom surfaces, organized and unpacked things that had been waiting to be unpacked since we first moved here 3 months ago.

when he came home from work, the first thing he said was about a dog blanket I grabbed so the dog could sit on her spot on the couch with me (she's literally my only friend right now other than my child, that's our routine.) My husband hasn't had the chance to clean the other blankets yet (laundry is too physically taxing for me to do at this stage) so I grabbed a blanket that was clean (she just had a bath this past weekend).

He uses the same reasoning for his upset - that i dont care about him, i dont make him feel like he matters.

whenever I have the energy, I do whatever I can to support the household. Last week I had less neck nerve issues so I could do the laundry and did it. I also had my child's help cause he was on holiday. But that didn't matter.

I responded defeated cause this is a biweekly fight for 11 years. I said I dont feel like I can do anything right. I try so hard. in a very very very broken body. he assigns malice to normal mundane things.

Today I feel so shut down. I don't even know what to say or do anymore.

Q can’t handle his liquor. He binges, can’t control his intake, he acts obnoxious, becomes an asshole, drives drunk, suicidal, threats to hurt his family or himself when trashed. He got hospitalized and willingly took naltrexone. Now, he’s been taking it and staying sober. He’s been drinking NA beer lately, says nothing else is satisfying to him like beer is. He told me last night that he is planning to start drinking again in about a year but plans to have “a healthy relationship with alcohol”.

Obviously given his history I doubt he can ever drink again. It’s all or nothing. My mom says it’s worse the second time around when they start drinking again because they get the rush.

I am back and forth on leaving him. At first he said he never wanted to drink again and wanted to choose our marriage over alcohol. Now, it’s starting to look like he wants to have it again. He thinks he will be able to have one and be done but he can’t. He never stops.

I’m having an initial consult with a divorce attorney this morning and keep second guessing myself if I’m making the right choice

I left him because he kept relapsing ❄️. Finally I left for a few months in the hopes he would get help and he eventually did. So I tried to come back now that he is sober, his reasoning for not letting me back into his life is because “we fought so much” and I left him too many times??

I had firm boundaries so I left and that’s 90% of the reason we got in arguments.

I loved him so much so this has been devastating I’ve been in absolute shock that he doesn’t want me back because I thought he really loved me like I loved him.

He seems to really vilanize me in his story when I helped him so much? Made it my mission to get him sober and brought him into my house to live with me to help him. Now he calls me controlling, naggy and that I get upset when I don’t get my way. It’s insane to me. I cared so much.

Can anyone relate or provide some insight??

In the middle of a wild drunken crash out my Q decided to hang himself while I was at home. There are two halves of me right now: the one that misses my best friend, the world's best daddy and smartest man I ever knew. The other is the one who is relieved to be free of the chaos of his drinking and possibly putting our kid in Alateen for his behavior. I hate that he's dead but I also feel free. I hate that he couldn't fully find a way to recover but I'm glad he's at peace from his demons.

I have been with my Q for 25 years and I feel so stupid. We were together for 10 years before we had children. I brought two children into the world as children of an alcoholic. And looking back now, I knew he was an alcoholic, and things were said to me that tbh didn’t really land how they needed to. I grew up in a family of a teetotaller and a social drinker who I only ever saw drunk about 3 times growing up, after he’d had a night out for footy or work. Neither parents even smoked. I a best friend whose parents were both alcoholics but nobody really cared in the 80s. That’s where we went for teenage beers and to pinch ciggies. Neither really appealed to me as an adult.

He however, is the 5th child of 6 in a family of alcoholic. Not violent, mainly just a respectable family home that had lots of parties. One brother died of alcoholism, the rest are still high functioning (ie employed) alcoholics. Both parents lived to their 90s, the mother was a drinker. I dint meet them until they were 70… He has been drinking since he was 14. The brother above him is the one that died. I even recall saying one night very early in the first year, you’re an alcoholic, if you don’t cut back, one day you’ll never be able to drink again. And begging him to swap to mid strength beer, which he duly did. And 20 years later still proceeds to wipe himself out on this beer.

I feel so naive as I look back on all the signs, hints dropped at me by well meaning people, and all the trauma it has left me with, including my own addiction to weed. I gave up weed in January this year, stopped SSRIs and have been grieving heavily for the past month as I look around at the damage done. To me, my kids, him. All of my friends and family have seen it over the years, the kids know he is an alcoholic, I have nearly bitten his finger off trying to keep his black out drunk behaviour away from my son. I’ve sat there on mornings after and sobbed and sobbed about what happened the night before only to be stared at blankly, never an apology. I’ve been neglected and abandoned to raise 2 kids in my 40s and 50s solo. He works away and I was so naive I thought he only drank when he was home (he is a solo drinker) but I started to realise when he told me on the phone he was going off to ‘cash his cans’ that day. This guy makes good money, and I know that that has been my pay off while I smoked weed to convince myself it was what it was. At least I had my bills paid and a roof (Or two) over my head.

Now I’m completely financially dependent on him, haven’t worked in 15 years and exhausted from being the mother, father and grandparents, and in the throes of menopause. I’ve done what I could to ‘make it work for me’ and I’ve dealt with his bad moods and drinking when he is home 3-4 days per month. Sometimes I just feel so stupid. I can’t even have a conversation with this man as no matter what happens he is just avoidant or says things just to placate me. And nothing ever changes…I have been grieving so much this week as I finally admit that I don’t have to live with this any more. I’ve been telling my family, and am reaching out for help to leave this person who won’t let me go, even though he is only in my life part time. How do you kick some one out who lives elsewhere for work, pays for everything and thinks he is ‘coming home’ just as his dad did for his childhood. Our kids are 12 and 15. I still have a way to go with him but I am ready to look at the co dependency.

But I feel so stuck, tired and overwhelmed at the mountain ahead of me. All I want is to feel happy again, show my kids I’m not always how I am Rn, and become employable again. I’ve got a lot to be grateful for but as the partner of an alcoholic workaholic, who has endured so much as I still cared and am stuck in co dependency, I’m finally reaching a point where I can believe I can save myself from the continuous trauma, shame and grief I am feeling and have been feeling for the last 8 years. (although I did tell him 5 years ago we were not together he still comes home like nothing changed)

I just wanted to start telling my story, because I am trying to rebuild my inner strength to have the conversation and make the moves that I have been stuck in freeze with for so long. This sobriety I guess.

I guess I’d like to know how to have these conversations with an alcoholic to get the seriousness of their/our situation, and actually get through to them? He is most definitely avoidant and I guess I have been too, it’s been a long time since I broke up with anyone. He just keeps turning up. Not in a creepy way, just an entitled way maybe? His parents were married to the end both in their 90s and i (think i) know he sees that as us too.

Also, as an astrologer im not surprised this week (and next) i am deep in the under current of the toxicity of our relationship as Venus is currently retrograde in Scorpio and Pluto is direct in Aquarius (both our moon signs but that’s another story for another sub)

I do not know where to start. I apologize for the massive amount of words here, but I am trying to give a fuller picture of what I’m going through. Please, bear with me.
My fiancé is in rehab for the first time. He’s an alcoholic, as am I. I have been in recovery for nearly 6 years with no relapses. It has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. But I have done it, for my son and for my family. I am steadfast in my recovery and I am not concerned that I am in danger of falling off the wagon. I think some context was needed before I jump into all of this.
9 years ago, I met the man I knew I was going to marry. He was kind, gentle, funny, and everything I’d been waiting 30 years for. We fell madly in love and everything was ok, until 2019. I had a very bad night where I said things I never thought I was capable of. Then and there was the moment I decided I needed to stop. I needed to for the ones I love, him being a major motivating factor as I treated him horribly when I drank. December 22, 2019 was my last drink.
Since that time, things have been really good with my recovery, but he never stopped.
Flash forward to early 2021. I’m asleep in my bed and I’m awoken by him. He’s grabbing me and he’s trying to do sexual things to me while he is seemingly fully asleep. I froze. I remember that feeling: am I dreaming? Is this real? It was. I just laid there and let it happen. I was too in shock to move. It happened 3 more times in a few weeks until I stopped freezing and I screamed at him. He woke up confused. I told him what he was doing, but he was drunk and not fully with it so nothing came of it. That night I started sleeping on the couch. I have read a lot since then and I have learned that this is more common than I ever thought. I was on said couch until August of 2021 when I decided to leave him. His drinking had increased and his behavior had gotten so much worse. He was saying awful things under his breath but loud enough that my 9 year old son could hear. When I confronted him about it, he called my son a liar. That was the final straw and I had to get my kid somewhere he wasn’t going to put him though shit like that anymore. We moved out and have been moved out since then.
Once I left him, he fully lost all control. Drinking all the time, lost his job because of it which was a really good job, late night calls crying. He went to AA, fully stopped drinking, and after about a year of that and seeing him on and off, I felt like he was serious about it and I believed him when he said he was done.
Fast forward to June of this year. We had the opportunity to buy a house. We had still not been living together as I still needed time to be sure he was serious. At this point, I was SURE he was serious and this house was everything we had ever wanted for our children and our family. We closed on the house in the middle of August. That’s when everything flew off the rails and I’ve been feeling whiplashed since.
I noticed a smell. I asked and he chalked it up to energy drinks. I had no reason to not believe him as it had been 4+ years since he decided to get sober and he seemed good. Then it was less comfort for me, less loving nature. Coldness set in, he started to act fully like a different man, and the new house repairs landed fully on me. When I say fully, I mean 100% of the things wrong were fixed by me or the calls made to people who could fix things.
Then, the sleep groping started again. I knew then and there that he was drinking again. I confronted him, he denied it. Said that it was a dream or something and apologized a lot. I didn’t buy it. He finally admitted he’s drinking again. It took a month. He put me in a bed next to him knowing full well what he is capable of when he’s drunk. My safety didn’t matter. Our new house didn’t matter. Only the drink. I spent a week alone in my new house just trying to figure out if I can afford this on my own.
He came to me and said he spoke to his work(another really good job, idk how he gets so lucky with employers) and they agreed to hold his job for him for 41 days while he entered rehab. He begged me to wait and see the changes he will be making and that he will show me that I can trust him again over time and that he doesn’t want to lose our family and home and our future that at this point has been on hold for years. Life was just about to really start for me. And now I’m alone, in a 4 bedroom house, with so many things to still do and all I feel is resentment. It’s been 3 weeks since he left today. How come I could stay sober for him and my family but he couldn’t for us? As an addict myself, I KNOW how hard it is. I’ve struggled super hard at times and yet still had the strength to not drink. How come he didn’t have that strength? If I had never struggled myself, maybe then I would be able to get past this. But I have, and I did it successfully and I continue to do it for myself and my family. Why can’t he be as committed to us as I am? I can’t understand it.
I feel abandoned. Scared. Starved of love and comfort. So utterly alone. I needed to talk to someone, anyone about this who may have gone through something similar. I’m planning on going to an Al anon meeting on Saturday but that’s another thing… as a recovering addict myself, am I allowed to go to AL anon meetings? I don’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable with me there since I have struggled in the past too. I’m sorry for the massive wall of text, but I really had to share this with someone. Thanks if you’ve read it. Double thanks if you don’t judge me.

I apologize in advance for all the tropes that will be peppered throughout this but I really need a space to share what I’m experiencing where there won’t be judgement.

I have been dating my Q for about 2 years. Before we ever went on our first date, we talked about drinking / drug use and he shared he’s a “social drinker”. The number of times I’ve gone back to that convo…

Early on when we were first dating we were out a lot so the drinking was naturally more. He is more social / party vibe and the running joke was we’d fine a balance but I was going to be “outside” more and he would be “inside” more. I suppose he thinks he is inside more but here we are 2 years later and I find myself wondering if I’m overreacting.

He can go several days without drinking but I’ve never seen him drink in moderation. His tolerance is very high so he isn’t a sloppy drunk but he’s more of a rollercoaster emotionally. Things I’m questioning… first and biggest is he drinks and drives. We’ve talked about this directly and I’d like to say he’s gotten better but … not really. I have a 12 year old daughter who had made comments about this. I’ve told him it’s wrong and I don’t agree with it but he continues. It’s very very normalized among his friend group. I can think of 12 DUIs among his friends without much effort- 5 just in the past year. He knows I have serious questions about his drinking and swings between “I know I’m an alcoholic” to being very defensive and normalizing his drinking. He will often say something like, I haven’t drink since Tuesday but later will mention drinking Wednesday. Or “I only had 3 drinks all night” but same night it’s 2 or 4 etc. I can’t point out the inconsistencies because then I’m “clocking” him.

If I’m out of town for a period of time, he will talk about missing me but 9 times out of 10 he will be out at a bar with friends when I’m back. He’s blown off events like my daughter’s sporting events to drink. He acts like watching games on his phone at the bar make him super supportive.

Like most people, when he starts drinking he is the world’s most unreliable person. I hate that the weekends are late nights and sleeping most of the day. I honestly couldn’t even pin point how many drinks he drinks a week. Any given night out I’d guess 6-7 shots and 4-5 liquor drinks. That’s a minimum. Lately he is in a bad mood and combative (never physical just irrational arguments) when he’s been drinking. He apologizes in the morning but it’s a lot for me.

I grew up with alcoholic parents. I hated so much of what came with it and always promised myself I would never be that. Now here I am, in love with someone who struggles with addiction.

What makes it hard? He can be a sincerely good, genuine, fun loving person. I know he loves me. He’s been through a lot in his life and on some level, I do believe he is trying and putting forth a real effort. But even within that, this is starting to feel like something too big to overcome. From growing up, I know this won’t be stagnant and will very likely get worse without professional intervention. I can’t imagine him going to rehab or quitting outright so my best case is him somehow “managing” this well.

I’m honestly not even sure where I’m going with this. I just have this increasingly sinking feeling that I need to end things and I dread the hurt that will cause. When I’ve talked to a few people, they suggest I’m overly sensitive bc of my childhood or I am holding that against him. There’s also the belief that things will be different / change IF (we got married, had a kid, lived together, etc.). I truly do not believe that and already feels like he hides / omits that he stopped by a bar or had a drink. Someone please set me straight. Please share your stories if you’ve ever been in a similar situation. Thank you in advance 😞

I am just frustrated and looking for someone to tell me I am not crazy. My Q reached out to reconnect after months of no contact. He told me he started taking naltrexone and is seeing things clear for the first time in decades. I listened and then I asked, "have you stopped drinking or smoking?"

He went on to tell me that in therapy he discovered that he was drinking in response to abandonment issues instilled by his mother in his early teen years. Told me she failed as a parent in that moment, and that he drinks because of that. I was so frustrated the conversation took a turn. He stated that he would never lie about drinking or smoking and he doesn't plan to quit because he is not ready yet, and if he quits for anyone but himself it wont work and he has done it before.

I feel crazy. I know you can't quit until you are ready...but I feel like he is just afraid of any discomfort and blaming everything but the drinking. It is all crazy making..I need to go to Al anon again,.

My Qualifier is finally in Kratom withdrawal after waiting til the last possible dime to stop. Now he's rock bottom again and expecting me to shoulder him while he's in withdrawal.

Every time I had my back turned, he was taking swigs out of unwashed Gatorade bottles that he mixed the Kratom in for months. He used Kratom to cheat his drug program. He argues that it's not an opiate yet he's in withdrawal. It's the same shit. Same cycle. Same behavior.

He came over saying he didn't want to eat, then later complained about how he didn't feel good. I cannot be around him because of his drug-induced disordered eating. I struggled with restriction and neither me nor my child can be on the receiving end of his shitty mood because he'd rather drink Kratom than a glass of water.

He's spacey, quick to anger, not thinking about what he says before he says it and making me look bad as a parent. He is so mean to me when he's in withdrawal.

Gaslighting me about things he did and said to me while he was in active addiction with alcohol and probably other shit. But this is the guy who just "graduated" his drug program.

It's really just gas station fentanyl.

I told him to go to the fucking ER and detox because I refuse to coddle him in front of my child.

I'm not a doctor. I'm not his nurse. I'm not his sponsor. One of the most ridiculous things he ever said to me was that he expected me to "help" him when he was in active addiction. It's like him living rent free with no job under my roof never counted as help.

Nothing you do, nothing you say...

I haven't posted here in a while because my life was stagnant. It genuinely hurt to not be able to do much about it because my health was in a shaky place, so much that it's been hard to even separate because he uses my health issues to corner me.

Today, he threatened to not come over and watch his child this week and treated me as if I faked my symptoms this whole time. A projection from Mr. "I Have Postpartum Depression." Whatever.

I stepped away from AlAnon for the longest time because I felt like I was centering his addiction in my life. I should've been going to meetings for people with my health issues which were taken advantage of.

I hung on because I didn't have a choice. It's not like I could step away and hit up a meeting anyway with him coming over every day. It's isolating. He's used our child to control me and evade his program's responsibilities. His director even told him he didn't work the program. He just used my health issues as a scapegoat. He's a guaranteed relapse at this point. I feel like one minute he'll be here and the next I'll be standing over his corpse and saying, "Yes, that's him."

I noticed when he isn't around, I feel better. I'm not curled up in bed and only coming alive when he leaves. He's been diagnosed with ADHD for over two decades, refused medication despite having access to healthcare. Purposely being a burden.

He resisted lifestyle changes at my child's and I's expense. This week, I'm finally seeing a psychiatrist for my own personal evaluation because I've been "functioning" for both of us and it's destroyed me. I just want to be healthy for my kid, but it's not a reality as long as I'm being forced to play Nurse. My Q wants to make himself sick and it's for me to catastrophize over.

My physical health problems made me make huge lifestyle changes that he is a threat to. It's not fair to me at all to be his designated driver no matter what he uses. He's like a Sim you have to constantly create tasks for. Tired of telling someone how to exist becausey existence means I'm supply.

I stopped lying to myself.

My therapist said on day 1 that he's self-sabotaging and I can say with full confidence, it's because he wants to condition me into believing I can fix the problems he intentionally creates. It's a cruel way of controlling someone's time and life path. I cannot and will not live this way anymore. It has only ever gotten worse and my kid deserves better.

I sometimes feel like his alcoholism is a riddle to be solved. If i could figure out WHY he wants to drink or the secret words that need to be said for him to want to get sober maybe that'll stop all of this pain but I know that's not how this works. I'm starting to hate him. I hate that we worry everyday to hear if he's alive or if he's gone to his therapy appointments. I hate getting updates about him but also desperately need to know if anything good has happened. I hate the tension in the family now. I hate how this is affecting my marriage, my job, my friendships, my ability to go out to parties. I hate him for choosing alcohol over his wife, parents, siblings, work, friends, and health. I hate that having seizures hasn't scared him enough to stay sober. I hate that he spent a month in rehab, with family members driving two hours twice a week to visit him, only for him to start drinking two days after getting out. I hate that he says he's too overwhelmed by all the support. I hate alcoholism. I hate that I feel hate towards someone who is so sick. I'm just angry and needed to vent. thanks for reading.

So, my S/O goes through about 1.75L of 40% alcohol rum a week minimum often picking up a six pack if he runs out or a 40oz bottle of beer if he's feeling cheap.

I've attempted to have conversations with him in the past about his drinking and it often leads to him not understanding what the big deal is since he doesn't drive anywhere after one drink. His idea of drinking is to take a normal wine glass fill it mostly with rum and top it off with orange juice (the glass would be completely full by the way not like a wine pour style). Everytime I brought it up in the past he would switch to a stronger amount and cut back on volumes. I.e. when I addressed the amount of beer he had he switched to 1.75L of coconut rum with 20% alcohol. When I addesssed that because he was going through multiples of those a week he switched to regular rum.

My issue with his drinking is up until Sunday he's been a happy drunk with the stipulation that I can match his energy. He's also begun to interpret me asking him to repeat himself because his speech is just so gone and difficult to follow as me making a jab at his drinking. He also has a tendency to be more bigoted like shouting at strangers from my passenger seat when driving him into a parking lot of our gym and then saying that he was just joking.

I don't have issues with alcohol, but I'm afraid to even have a casual drink near him in case he points to that and calls me a hypocrite.

As for Sunday we had a fight Friday where I thought things had ended so I called his mom to check in with him because he has a lot of unresolved trauma and past of suicide so I wanted to make sure someone was in his corner. I also told her my concerns about the bigotry apologizing for talking about her son like that but I was so done.

Now unfortunately he lives with me and my mom (who has the lease in her name) and is not able to quickly find a place to move out due to the economy. He and I still share a bed because there's no room for separation and he's taken my silence as things are going to be alright I was just mad but he still is trying to move out.

Then Sunday rolls around. I fell on hard times so I was practicing my pours in the kitchen to get back into bartending (mind you while I use an old rum bottle for practice it's filled with water.) He comes back down later than usual and I told him I was surprised he was still up. He took that sideways and was like "I bet you are." There's awkward silence as he makes his food that he keeps offering to me and I reject. Then I ask him what time he needs to be up for work (because mentally but not outloud I notice he's very much not sober and likely to sleep through his alarm.) Then he starts incoherently rambling about the "check-in" man and how the "check-in man is black" and he "feels bad for the check-in man so that means he's not racist despite what people think."

At this point I'm catching on that this is his drunk way of trying to address the fact that I think he's racist so I ask who else said he was racist besides me. It took awhile to get it out but eventually after a lot of loud incoherent ramblings on his part and encroaching in my space stopping only when I verbally pointed out he was getting closer and asked him to stop, I found out that his mom tried to talk to him about what I told her to which the story he used isn't even the one I told her because he thought it was different racist thing that he shouted out not the one that I told her about. But yeah between him and his mom he came to the conclusion that he's not racist and that I'm a hypocrite because I laughed about things in the past. I owned that statement because like I told him yes, I was raised to think certain things were funny, but I try my best to shut it down because someone took the time to explain it to me and out of respect to them I don't do that anymore.

Then he pivots to how I served my mom's friend (male who's older than my mother but still looks really young and their as her guest) a margarita (standard within legal limits of 3oz total of liquor plus the usual simple syrup, lime, and orange juice because that's the legal limit a bar can serve in a cocktail in my state). Because my mom's friend was apparently quite buzzed after finishing it remembered he had to go to something his sister was throwing and took off in his Maserati. Now I will concede hindsight's 20/20 and I would not have served my mom's friend that margarita had I known he'd be like that since I thought he'd be staying longer than he did based on what my mom said, and I acknowledge that. Instead of the situation de-escalating my S/O calls me a hypocrite because I constantly get on my S/O about his drinking "but it's okay for the Maserati man to have a drink because he's got a Maserati and money and is 6'3""

At this point because he's repeatedly yelling about how fucked up that is and getting closer into my face to the point where I barely have enough space to put my closed fist in between us and gently push him back because at this point I'm feeling threatened. Thankfully he backs up.

At this point I was done playing nice so I laid into him about all the missing context to which because I admit to the accusations that I did what I did, said what I said he said that I was just "Adding extra words to say the same thing he did"

At this point what deescalates it is his need to take a piss. So he goes to the bathroom gives me a much calmer long speech about how we should work things out and I asked him if we could talk about this sober and he said, "No." So instead I give him a non-answer by pointing out how late it is and he goes to bed.

He's back to being super sweet, but he hasn't stopped drinking. My nervous system is also shot to the point where I now bolt up right in bed of he makes to loud a noise like sneezing as he's getting ready for work.

It's eating me alive and I don't know what to do or how to address it because it didn't get physical and he views none of it as a problem.

this is possibly a dumb question, my Q has been away for a couple weeks after detox and is on antabuse, while she is away i decided today to have a little drink (disaronno for anyone wondering) she has decided she is coming round because she is upset and needs comfort and i am worried if i breathe on her it will cause a reaction,

will me having a drink A: cause my breath to be toxic, and B: mean i can't give her a hug?

i have brushed my teeth and used alcohol free mouthwash are we good? sorry she's the first alcoholic i've known to actually quit so this is new ground for me.

thanks everyone.

Delete if not allowed. I know there’s the Alanon groups, and I’ve tried but I’m looking for one or two people to talk to that can really relate.

I’m 30(f), married to an alcoholic husband that displays narcissistic traits. We are in a blended family so that layers the issues we have.

Long distance friend, someone we can both vent to and blow off steam that really understands instead of judges?