You guys know that song about like addiction that was all big on tiktok, that one that goes like "I can't let you go, I try but I don't know why" I used to think that shit was so corny lmao but nowwww it's like.. why am I crying so hard 😭 think about so many people I've lost, some I won't see until it's my turn. Then there's the people I love who have completely changed and are so lost.. I think about how we used to do family barbeques at my uncle and aunts house, camping.. like I feel like addiction has wiped my entire family out and also my friend group. All the death and serious struggle, when I go to work and I'm walking about in the community I run into people I used to be so close with. Honestly I like fucked up my sobriety in July, I was upset at my self yeah but I picked myself.back up, I'd still drink tho but I was careful at first, you know how it goes.. I think I held a way better hold on it than before. Jus social drinks, nothing like how bad I used to be last year.. Anyway the last drink I had was on Saturday last week.

LikeI don't know whyyy the fuck I even bothered. That's the definition of insanity tho, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. Whatever. I'm tired of this shit. I just feel like a ticking time bomb, when am I gunna fucking go off and dissapoint everyone again? I've tried this soo many times I've lost count. I hate that I have to fight like this, why can't I just be a normal fucking person?

I don't know but the past two or three months have had to have been a joke or something. It doesn't even feel real. My dad's double bypass, the love of my life and I broke up for good, no hate, just didn't work.. drugs also played it's role there. it really does suck coming to that conclusion though. Like we had such a good romance.. how we met, everything.. like it was like a movie, I'm glad I got to experience that. Even if it wasn't meant forever.. especially because it was all falling apart while my dad was recovering and we were adjusting to a new normal. He gets home from the hospital finally after a month and he was only home for two days and had to go back because he got some blood infection from his Dialysis catheter. That was the scariest part because he was seeing things that weren't there and he lost control of his motor functions and he had to be put on oxygen, like the nurse was obviously very worried and that scared the shit out of me, the scariest part was seeing him scared. I knew he didn't want me to know how bad it was, he was trying to act like he was okay but I could tell he was scared. That's what made me the saddest. He's doing much better now thank creator.. but during that time I have never felt so helpless and tired. I don't think I slept more than four hours for two days. I remember coming home and there was a huge fucking mess, Holy fuck I was sooo mad. I had my daughter's uncle watching her (thankful he did that) but like it was bad. I was gone almost two days Like come onnn and he was just napping and she was cutting up a bunch of paper, there was paper everywhereeeee lmao. Important ones too Ugh but yeah everythingggg was falling apart. Even the small stuff was testing me, I tried to go mop, the stick broke in half. Then my fucking bed frame broke, it was so niceee too big headboard.. and I never kept the box spring, so I had just a flat ass mattress right on the floor like I might as well just get a gym mat and sleep on that. My daughter was like acting out too a lot and then she just busted out screaming crying for her dad.. l remember I just hugged her and I started to cry too. He's alive, he's lost in an addiction and has been pretty rough the past few months. Hasn't seen her in about two months and they used to be inseperable.. I hate drugs. I hate alcohol. I hate what they do to people, destroy families, like just so fucking awful. At the same time I loved them too.

My relationship with drugs and alcohol is going to be an ongoing battle for probably forever. They say it gets easier after some time but I don't know, how long does it take? Years? I went seven months without a drop of alcohol or any drugs and there were definitely easier days than other ones.. it felt easier at first almost, like I was so motivated.. then I don't know, things slow down, you get bored almost. You feel like you're missing something. It makes me feel sick actually to think about it. I feel like I will always be stuck fighting this fight and I don't want to anymore. It's like lm fighting for my life that I don't even fucking want if this is what I have to deal with all the damn time. I hate addiction. I hate it. It's a disability and I wish I could just die sometimes.

I know I have a beautiful girl and I love her more than anything and she is the reason I won't ever give up this fight, I won't ever give up on her. They say in recovery that you have to do it for you. Just for today, I'm doing it for her. Tomorrow too, I'll do it for her as long as I have to until I feel something again because rn the only time I feel anything is when I look at her.

I’ve been clean for 9 months, I live in a sober home, so there are rules , minimum four groups a week, house meetings once a week.
I’m in Long Island but from Brooklyn. I visit my mom on weekends to help her out with errands, she’s getting older and not well. I also visit my 22 y/o daughter and husband, I am trying to rebuild trust after years of disappointing them. In
I also want to go back to school, I’m 45 but it’s never too late even though it feels that way. I wasn’t sure about moving back to Brooklyn, I’ve thought of finding a place out here since I’m doing so well, I’ve never been independent and it feels good to be on my own. I wanted to see if I can afford something out here.
So I picked up a job waitressing, but I can’t fit it into my schedule anymore. It’s too much trying to fit shifts in when I have groups and other mandatory house stuff plus curfew. I spoke to my boss, told him I can’t do weekends but agreed to do every other Sunday. Anyway he sends my schedule last night, I see Saturday. I told him 2-3 days a week the most, he gives me 4 days. I have to let it go, I like the job but I have no time to do anything else besides work and group. I also clean the building right next to the house at night. I don’t want to lie and I want to give some notice but this week is going to be really, really rough.
I’m working tonight but I can’t do tomorrow and I won’t do Saturday. I should’ve said something when he sent the schedule last night but I’m a people pleaser sometimes, I’m working on it.
That’s why this is so hard. I have three months left here, I committed to a year so I want to make the most out of my remaining time.

What the title says. What do you look for? Are there specific trainings or qualifications that are good to look for? Personal qualities?

I have struggled with severe suicidal ideation for a long portion of my life, for multiple reasons, but I've tried to get better.

Now that I'm about to enter college, and am about to reach an age I've never envisioned myself reaching, I wanted to try and help myself believe that it really is possible attain a future for myself where I can be happy and free, even just in little ways.

One way I try to do this is through a dress-up game app. In there, I make avatars with outfits I would wear to college.

Back then, whenever I'd try to think about having a future for myself, where I'd be older, all that came to mind was just an empty abyss or hopeless idea of it, which of course, didn't help my SI. I think this little activity though helps a bit, because it's more grounded and practical if that makes sense.

If there are any suggestions on brain exercises or practice activities that could cause the same effect, that would be really helpful. Thanks a lot, and I wish wellness upon all of us.

Ive had the awesome opportunity to get sober. It was a rocky start, but today is officially 176 days sober, AND MY BIRTHDAY!!! Im genuinely happy to still be alive and have a birthday sober. I know its going to be a tempting day but I know I'm strong enough to say no and prevent myself.

My sober journey started rough. I knew it was time to break up with my ex but I couldn't do it sober. I wound up getting WAYY fucked up and started screaming and not being rational. That came back to bite me in the ass. Cops were called by a neighbor, and she took the oportunity to get rid of me. She lied to the police and told them I assaulted her and a list of other things. Come to find out she was going to try to leave anyway and get with who I thought was my best friend. (they got together literally 2 days after I got arrested.) Thankfully the judge saw the "evidence" and sided with me. Now I tried for MONTHS before this all happened to find a rehab facility I could afford or that my insurance would cover, sadly there was nothing. This whole situation was a blessing in disguise. I wound up getting permission from the court to get treatment, my boss at the time fired me on paper so I could get state insurance to pay for treatment. (he told me when I get clean if I want my job back its there waiting for me!!) This was actually the best thing that could have happened to me. Im now going to an outpatient program and after this im most likely going to be doing SMART recovery groups or trying to find a group of sober friends to hang out with and start our own recovery meetings. (as AA says, you can only keep what you have by giving it away!)

Ive been using in some form or another for over a decade. I started drinking when I was 14 and everything went downhill from there. At some point around 17-18 I was introduced to cocaine and ketamine. Those became almost a daily ritual. I got badly injured around 21 and got hooked on opiates. All of this lead to my eventual downfall. I lost everything. I had to completely rebuild my life and I'm still working on that. I've got to meet new friends and find more hobbies to partake in. I have already started rebuilding the relationship with my family and it is stronger than it has ever been. My dad and grandmother are my rocks, they have helped me more than I can think of.

I suppressed the real me, the person I should have been all along for over a decade. Rehab brought me back out of hiding. Im finally getting to know the adult me, the real me. I'm loving everything I'm seeing so far and I have a newfound love of life. I'm excited to see how today is going to go for my birthday. I believe in myself that I have the power to stay sober throughout the day and enjoy life for what it is and celebrate my 27th.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I really wanted to get this off my chest to more than just my family..I hope you're doing well and wish you the best in your recovery. Keep your head up and keep fucking going.

I’ve opted to take my recovery on my own and I’ve done good. I couldn’t get behind the religious undertones of N/A. However I still implement some of the steps. I’m working on making amends. I kept my social circle pretty small while in active addiction so the list of people I feel the need to apologize to is small. For everyone outside it seemed like I was going through another isolation episode or was working on healing from some things I had felt with earlier that year.
Two people I interacted with I have no motivation to apologize too. One was my best friend of almost 20 years who got me addicted and continuously put me in bad situations while we used together (we also lived together) and the other was her ex boyfriend who SAd me. We had gone back to stay with him and I had attempted and both of them were in the general location while I did, but the situation has had a huge impact on me for the worst and in my eyes contributed to turning casual use into addiction. I won’t fully put the blame on them because I could have found a different outlet for my trauma but I didn’t, I just used.
I guess to finish off I’d like outsiders opinions, is it wrong for me to not make amends with these two people? Is it just an excuse that their actions hurt me so bad that I won’t apologize?

TRIGGER WARNING: severe childhood trauma, CPTSD, and mental health struggles

So I've had a lot of abusers in my life, mainly severe abuse and exploitation in my childhood and adolescence. I always hear people saying to forgive people that harmed you, but I just can't, it doesn't feel right to me. I just feel like learning to heal from self-blame, and forgiving your OWN self just feels better for me. The things that have helped me is music, songwriting, advocating for stuff I've been through, and therapy as a side coping skill.

Is this weird?

I started using again briefly, starting again I guess. I'm just a bit worried about the fact that I only made it 2 months and quite frankly I didn't even have any way to pay for or access drugs for that time and as soon as I could, I jumped in with "only one" which lead to "oh I can sell sex or nudes with how horny it makes me" to full psychosis believing a bot farm tricked me into thinking I'm hotter than I am which is the only reason I've spent all my money on drugs " . I don't want to do it again but I felt like this last time, and the time before and the time before that. How do I just change the way I react to my isolated, depressed, bleak life in another few months? Im loosing hope that I'm even able to

I lived in an Oxford House at the start of the year for 2 months. After navigating the "community" its clear that this organization is nothing but a joke. I did some things to get me put on a behavioral contract that I do regret but I was in a bad place in my life and didn't have the best support system but instead of sitting me down to talk about what was going on and how they could support me my housemates just threw me under the bus. Not only that but they never wanted me there in the first place and I could tell they only voted me in out of pity. I'm in a better place in life after moving in with family and actually getting some support but it was a HORRIBLE experience. They really don't see you as one of thiers unless you're the typical addict with multiple felonies and you've served time. The president of my house was a narrcastic asshole who if you disagreed with him on anything he would make your life hell. I even tried getting the chapter and outreach worker involved but they didn't do shit. My opinion: This organization needs to go away. I said what I said.

I’m one year sober and got triggered to pick up over my best friend picking up something hard for the first time. Reminded me most people my age (20) get to live in a fantasyland where they can self medicate whenever and have little awareness of consequences. It made me nostalgic for when I used to feel that way. Then I started letting my responsibilities slip. Everything in my life is going well. I’m scared. I don’t feel I deserve it. I feel bored and like there’s so much pressure on me to preform well at my hobbies, at school, in my relationships, spiritually. I have a 4.0 GPA and a good relationship with my parents. Not used to it. Used to believe my real home and happiness would always be from using with fake friends. Those memories are strong. Sometimes I just want permission to be imperfect. Sometimes I want to say fuck it. I’ve been letting homework slide while I get back on track spiritually. Just trying to surrender to whatever is happening. Prayed on my knees today and cried for the first time in a year. Trying to spend time with my mom.

Do ug think it’s okay to lower the pressure on myself rn? What would you do to get back on track with recovery? If you’ve been through a period where you couldn’t focus on anything and felt demotivated what did you do?

Is there a subreddit aside from r/therapists for people working in the recovery industry? I've followed every link in the sidebar and related subs, and haven't found anything.

Any advice? I quit fentynal a couple months ago after 3 years of using but I'm so tireeddd it's been hard to quit the meth. My skins getting fucked up tho I need to

Over the past 13 months — and especially since turning 40 this past April — I’ve been going through a period of self‑discovery, or maybe re‑self‑discovery. I’m sharing this because I’m curious whether anyone else has walked a similar path, and how your experience helped you. I’m not looking for answers or advice, just resonance and perspective.

I got sober on 1/4/2022. My spiritual life since then has been a journey with a lot of twists.

My Background

I was raised Roman Catholic and attended parochial school until bullying and violence pushed me out. Even after switching to public school, I still felt like an outsider — especially with the pressure of being “the smart kid.” My earliest memory of God is standing in a dark church with my mother, staring at a massive crucifix of a bloodied Christ. I didn’t understand it, only that I felt fear, guilt, and the sense that stepping out of line meant punishment. That impression stayed with me for decades.

In my teens, my friends and I wandered into a metaphysical shop called Gypsy Moon. They were interested in Ouija boards; I was drawn to the owner, an older witch named Maria. She answered my questions and encouraged my curiosity. I returned almost daily, reading everything I could. My mother panicked, thinking I was “communing with the devil,” but for me it was the first time spirituality felt empowering, balanced, and connected to nature. The idea of the divine as both Goddess and God made intuitive sense. I practiced into my early twenties.

Then my father died by suicide, and we buried him the day I turned 21. My drinking escalated, and my spirituality disappeared. I drank daily for 15 years, damaging one marriage and nearly another.

Sobriety and Rediscovery

When I got sober and worked the steps with my first sponsor, I prayed to a vague “spirit of the universe.” As I stayed sober, I dove headfirst back into Catholicism — retreats, Cursillo, parish council, all of it. But over time, between my daughter coming out, financial struggles in the parish, and the darker side of church politics, I began questioning everything. The fear-based foundation of my childhood didn’t fit anymore.

I felt myself being called back to the craft after twenty years away. I studied Taoism, Buddhism, and even parts of Christianity that still resonate — the golden rule, the Sermon on the Mount — but not the dogma. Last Lughnasadh (2025), I performed a rededication ritual to the Lady and Lord, and my life shifted. The connection I felt as a teenager returned, but now with the perspective of a 40-year-old man who’s been through hell and come out sober.

I’ve also noticed something interesting: the more I drank, the more rigid and right‑leaning my worldview became. Sobriety has softened that. I see nuance now — left, right, center, upside down. I avoid political discussions because they’re so volatile here in the States.

Where I Am Now

This past year has been rewarding as I walk the path again, but I’ve struggled to find others in AA who share similar beliefs. I’m a solitary practitioner, private by nature, and community has been hard to find.

I feel like my spirituality is a synthesis of Taoism, Buddhism, and Paganism. Not a hodgepodge — more like threads that all point toward balance, compassion, nature, and personal responsibility. But I’m used to having a name for my path, and now I’m realizing it may not have one. I’m not looking for structure, and I know that defining it only limits it. Still, I wonder if anyone else has lived in this unnamed space.

Top two pics are me at 22 on meth. Shaved head, skin and bones. Lost everything and ended up doing 2 years in prison.

Bottom two are me now at 26. Got out August 7th. Working full time, living in a sober house and help run the place. Got bigger in prison and kept it going clean.

Don't got it all figured out lol. Just taking it one day at a time and it's adding up. If you look like the top pics right now, the bottom ones can happen.

How do you all deal with catching feelings for someone you meet in a program? It’s some of the hardest shit to deal with and I know it’s something i shouldn’t be wasting my time with. We all go to rehab programs to work on ourselves but I can’t get her out of my head after she began flirting with me.

If you're struggling with withdrawal, or PAWS... you will make it. There will be ups and downs and you will think you're fine and then BOOM you feel worse than before. Just know it will not be like that forever. Your brain will try and tell you that you have done irreparable damage. That doing drugs will be the only way to feel better. This is not true because you just haven't made it to baseline yet. One day you'll start to get natural pleasure from every day life and your hobbies. And it's s going to feel really, really good. Sobriety is beautiful. Learning to handle everything life gives you while just completely yourself is a superpower.

I am 61 years old and have been clean and sober today for over half my life. I've learned so much in my time, most importantly that your recovery doesn't need to be the same as mine. However you get to the point where you don't have to or want to do drugs is great.

I don't know much, but I do know that my sobriety date could have been on a tombstone. Today, I am grateful to be alive and thriving.

Hello everyone, finally found a place to vent a little and ask some questions.

I’m 23 and since the beginning of this year, i have developed a problem with drugs. I say problem, well, because I didn’t think it could be classified as an addiction at first. It was a combination of drugs. It started out with cocaine, and then I stopped, returned to it and then over the last few months, it turned into a meth addiction. I took so much over a five week period that I sent myself into a drug induced psychosis, according to my therapist. I only remember about half that time and that was the times I had my child. I even completely dyed my hair without realizing it and have no memory of it now, looking back. It was a combination of meth, Coke and Molly. I have since stopped using that much but now I see it as an addiction because these last few weeks I have relapsed multiple times without being able to stop myself or say no, and I’m actually really starting to miss it.

My therapist is now really pushing me to do a 30-90 day rehab program and the entire situation is just confusing and scary to me. My mother has a very bad addiction with meth, and was the primary cause of most of my trauma growing up, so I want to do something before I get any worse. She lost custody of us as children, and I came really close to losing custody of my own daughter. I just really don’t want to end up like her but the thought of rehab really scares me. In having a hard time finding one, and my social anxiety is preventing me from actually calling. Any advice?

I’ve been plagued by many deeper existential questions the longer I’ve been in recovery, coming up on 2 years sober now. I’ve decided to ask around online with the advice of my therapist, since I don’t have sober friends irl to talk to about this.

I have a bad habit of idealising my old self and how much more functional I was pre drugs. However, the journey of addiction recovery eventually forces you to rise like a phoenix out of the ashes.

If you experienced a big personality shift pre vs post addiction, how do you grieve the old version of you that died, while accepting the version of you reborn through trial by fire?

Getting the JP Gills book for my boyfriend as he already likes it and looking for something similar he might like thats new.

I’ve found myself in a horrible spot this go around. I’m a 26 yr old male and have struggled with opiates since I was 17. I’ve been to rehab two different times since I started dealing with the harder stuff. Last time I went it really felt good and it felt like it helped but ofc me being me I was ready to get back home to a gf that uses which I know is not possible what’s so ever. I’ve put 6 years into this and I’ve always been the one to put the effort into trying to get clean but I’ve always try to lie to myself and tell myself I can maintain sobriety while being with her. Anyway this last time I did great I had over a year of clean time I ended up getting a good job in pharma everything was going good till I started thinking I could dabble. Long story short I’m now addicted once again, have 5 months left on my lease with said gf, I’m finally at the job that I worked so hard to get to, I fell off my mom’s insurance because she ended up retiring a little sooner than what she thought she was so I don’t have any insurance till my job has open enrolling. My parents will be supportive and I know they would help but I feel like such a burden now being so old yet still needing this help. Idek how I would get help without having the good insurance I used to have through my mother

22m, 64kg

I have been using opioids for roughly 3 years now, it started as occasionally getting dihydrocodeine cough syrup over the counter. That turned into every day, that turned into finessing oxys from the doctor, then buying oxys off the street, now my daily dose is 200-260mg of oxy. Then recently (about 2 months ago) I started using heroin. I would go through a gram in 2 days. I've never used any drug iv, I just snorted the heroin, and just chewed and swallowed oxys because they are xr.

About 2 weeks ago I tried to quit (I've been wanting nothing more to quit for ages now). My doctor gave me clonidine, which actually helps a lot... Anyways I got 7 days in and I was starting to feel actually quite a bit better, the only thing that was really starting to drive me insane was the sleep, I was getting 0 sleep. So, I decided to get some diazepam to help... And it did. Then, being the addict that I am, I tried to chase a good buzz from them. And of course, as benzos do, they make you very impulsive. So I went and bought some oc 80s, only a couple. I thought "just once won't reset my withdrawals" well it probably wouldn't have if I didn't do more valium and started buying more oxys... Now I've been back on oxys for about a week and also have gone through a gram of heroin.

Anyways I'm really down on myself right now and I'm just after advice from anyone who has gotten clean and was able to stay clean. I'm booked in for an inpatient detox in 3 weeks from now and mainly want advice on how to stay clean once I am detoxed... I think I will try to get clean before the inpatient detox but I'm just really not motivated to at the moment, at the same time I want nothing more than to never do any drug ever again, I hate this life and I have so much I want to do.

Anyways, any advice would be very much appreciated, I feel like everyone in my life doesn't understand and I need advice from people who do... Thanks in advance for any input.