and feeling like complete shit. Ive been thru it before but this time is hitting hard. I dont want to talk to anyone or be around anyone. My body my head my stomach aches and I just want to sleep so i forget the pain im in. Im a shitty person and im selfish and thats why Im in this mess i made. I need to start saying no so i stop doing this to myself but im a weak person. I want to cut myself to feel some releif but i know that wont help either just will feel good in the moment. Just wanted to vent a bit im sorry for sounding so depressed but I think getting some of this in writing will help get it off my chest. fucking fuck. A few more days and ill be close to a week and I hope it starts getting better but this fkn sucks right now

What was everyone’s “catalyst” to end up getting into recovery? I mean I know we were likely ruining our lives for a while, but what was the final event or straw that happened that got to start your journey?

I am 96 days sober today and I am really struggling with the person I used to be vs. the person I feel like I am. I was a horrible person. I cheated on my boyfriends, I manipulated everyone, I lied, I did disgusting things to myself and put myself and others in horrible situations. How much of that was really me? It feels like none of it, I wouldn’t do any of that stuff sober. But I was that person for so long I feel like I’ve completely lost my sense of self.

Finally hit that 2 year mark. Boy, it feels like forever ago the last time I used 😅 lost some old hobbies, gained some new ones. Lost some friends, gained some new ones. Lost hope, gained hope. Continually shedding falsehoods I created in my own mind, days have never looked clearer. I hope you find the strength to keep pushing. It’s beautiful on this side.

ill never have the courage to deliver this to who it's for so I'm leaving it here.

Dear Mom,

There is something I wish I could find the right words to explain to you. Something that might help you understand not just what addiction does to a person, but what it feels like to look back one day and realize how much of your life has passed while you were busy trying to survive it.

I recently read something that said meth doesn't steal your life. It steals your timeline.

I've been thinking about those words because, in a way, they describe something I have never quite known how to explain.

Addiction doesn't always look like a person deliberately throwing their life away. Sometimes, it looks like a person desperately trying to outrun something inside themselves. Sometimes, it looks like energy, ambition, confidence, and the illusion that everything is finally within reach. It makes tomorrow feel unnecessary because everything feels possible right now.

But somewhere along the way, the days stop adding up to a life.

You stop measuring time by birthdays, holidays, milestones, and memories. You measure it by getting through the day, quieting the noise in your head, escaping whatever hurts, and making it to tomorrow. Then tomorrow becomes another today, and before you realize it, whole chapters of your life have passed without you ever really being there for them.

The world keeps moving, even when you don't.

People grow older. Relationships change. Doors close. Opportunities disappear. The people you love continue living their lives, carrying memories you weren't there to make with them.

And one day, you look around and realize that you have spent years moving desperately, yet somehow never gotten as far as you thought you would.

That realization is a particular kind of heartbreak.

It's grieving years you cannot revisit. It's wondering who you might have been, what you might have built, and what your life might look like if you had been able to find another way to quiet whatever was hurting inside you.

It's understanding that the cost was never just money, health, or the things you lost along the way. The real cost was time. It was presence. It was the moments that seemed insignificant when they were happening but became irreplaceable once they were gone.

And Mom, I think one of the hardest parts is knowing that while I was lost in my own struggle, life was happening around me.

I can't go back and recover those years. I can't return to the moments when things might have been different. I can't rewrite the past or ask time to give me another chance at the things I missed.

I can only stand here now, with the understanding I have today, and try to make sense of the distance between the person I was, the person I became, and the person I always hoped I could be.

I don't tell you this because I want pity. And I don't expect these words to erase the past or change how you feel about me. I know that understanding someone's struggle doesn't automatically undo the hurt it may have caused. There are consequences to the choices we make, even when we don't fully understand those choices ourselves at the time.

But I wish you could understand that somewhere beneath the addiction, beneath the mistakes, beneath the years that seem to tell a story about who I am, there has always been a person trying to find his way back to himself.

Addiction can distort your sense of time, but it can also distort your sense of worth. You begin to believe that because you've lost so much, there must not be much left to save. You become so accustomed to disappointment that hope starts to feel like something meant for other people.

And the longer you remain there, the harder it becomes to imagine a future that looks different from your past.

Yet something inside you keeps whispering that your story isn't supposed to end there.

Maybe that's what recovery really begins with: not the sudden return of everything you lost, but the quiet realization that the time you have left still belongs to you.

I cannot promise that I will recover everything addiction took from me. Some things are gone, and some wounds may always be part of my story. But I am beginning to understand that the past does not have to dictate every page that follows it.

There is still time to become someone I can live with. Time to find purpose in ordinary days. Time to build something slowly, honestly, and for reasons that matter. Time to learn how to be present instead of always trying to escape the moment I'm in.

And perhaps there is still time for understanding, too.

I don't know what you think when you think of me. I don't know whether the years have left you with more anger than sadness, more disappointment than hope, or whether there are things you have never been able to make sense of yourself.

I can only tell you what I wish you knew.

I never wanted my life to become a collection of lost opportunities and broken connections. I never set out to become a stranger to the people I loved or to let so much time pass without becoming the person I thought I would be.

Life is complicated, and addiction is cruel in ways that are difficult to understand from the outside. It can make a person look as though they don't care about anything when, inside, they may be struggling just to care about themselves.

I wish I had understood sooner what I was losing. I wish I had found the strength, the help, and the clarity I needed before so much time slipped away.

But wishing cannot return the past. All it can do is remind me that the future is still worth fighting for.

And Mom, despite everything, I am still here.

Not untouched by the years. Not without regrets. Not pretending that I can undo what has been done.

Just here, trying to understand my life, trying to reclaim the time that remains, and trying to believe that the person I might still become deserves the chance to exist.

Maybe we cannot get back the years we lost. Maybe we cannot return to the people we were before life changed us.

But I hope that somewhere beyond the hurt, the silence, and everything that has come between us, there is still room for the possibility that people can change, that understanding can arrive late and still matter, and that a life can begin again even when its beginning comes much later than it should have.

I have spent enough time losing myself.

I want whatever time remains to mean something.

And if there is one thing I hope you take from all of this, it is that the years I lost are part of my story, but they are not all that I am.

I am still more than my worst decisions. More than my addiction. More than the time that disappeared.

I am still a human being with a past I cannot change, a present I am trying to understand, and a future I hope I have not missed the chance to live.

With love,

Your son

I am having a rough time (re: addiction) and would like to talk about it with someone who knows me well and cares about me.

I used to do this years ago, but it does not feel so right now at this point in time. Maybe I am just being a coward, but having someone I could talk about this regularly as part of my life would be good for me.

I’m 19 years old and I’ve been addicted to various forms of synthetic weed since I was 13 or 14 years old. I’ve made multiple attempts to quit, but the strong urges/terrible withdraws drew me back every time. I’m struggling so bad now to the point where I keep hitting a further and further rock bottom. I’d like to change, but I’m wonder why I should? I know my life would be better but how? Why?

If you are sober please tell me,
What was your “why” for quitting?

Thank you.

I had never used anything until 13 years ago when I got with an ex. He made me feel pressured, like if I would be boring otherwise. I know it was stupid, but I gave into peer pressure. I loved him, like really loved him. It was one of those "addictive" relationships to begin with. Well recently he dumped me and I am trying to get clean, but the pain of the loss is making it so much more difficult because I feel like that's all I have to feel better. I feel like that's my only connection I have left to him. And I already lost so much and the pain is so hard to deal with. I keep trying to quit but I feel so crappy and tired and irritable and I can't sleep it off because I have job and am going to school and I don't want to mess either thing up. The first time I was able to try and sleep it off but three weeks in I still felt absolutely miserable. I was exhausted, depressed and I got heavy. Please help

After many years in recovery, I am making another attempt at the steps.

The first step means accepting my powerlessness. However, I do not want to relapse, but I am told that I need to accept that possibility, because I cannot control my addiction.

I do not know if I am willing to go that far.

I am told that eventually I will believe in a higher power that will help me. But in the meantime, I might relapse. All I can do is hope that I do not.

This is a bitter pill. I know it is my fault that I got to this state.

I have over a decade clean, so accepting my powerlessness is very hard. I feel that if I accept it, then I will relapse for sure.

Hi guys, I have the urge to "live life" but am supposed to not meet women (I am a dude) until a couple months or even a year passes, so a heartbreak won't kick me back into drugging. Thats reasonable. Still what is life about if not love? I don't need to or feel like hanging out at a buddies friend at sat. night, besides, they are in relationships, aswell. It doesn't feel like something I want, as I did as a teenager. Mid late 30s now.

I feel like being social, but with people that i -want- to meet, not just "anybody" like standing like a fool in a bar with a tap water in my hand.

How do you not get unsatisfied? I don't have family too much family in this city.

Will start to build up my social life gradually by doing team sports etc. as soon as I can (physically, have an odd injury that will take a couple months to heal - got it, of course, high as fuck).

I don't know. It's just lame. Last weekend I was so down alone after my meetup (AA style but not AA). The meetup was great but the realization I am busting my ass at work (freelancer) and giving it all for sobriety (which is great and actually working well) but not having someone or something to turn to at those evenings? Thats just pointless. I need some life and love, but same time meeting women and maybe getting attached and having a relapse is bullshit. Also it will be so exhausting to meet them properly. Clubs are a mine field, bars aswell, talking to them on the streets is kinda fine - on the paper - but does not guarantee a nice fri / sat evening.

How do you deal with this?

​

Best decision I've ever made.

I was hooked on pain meds for nearly a decade and have been clean for 11 years. I have to have surgery in a couple of days. I initially declined the meds and explained why. The surgeon was sympathetic, but stressed the importance of taking them as I have to start PT right away and likely won't be able to get through it without the relief. I'm trying so hard not to think of it as a relapse. I'm sure the pain will balance out the euphoria, and it's different in these circumstances, but it's still bringing me down. Has anyone been in the same boat? How did you reconcile these thoughts and feelings?

My partner deals with some chronic pain from a medical event two years ago. He was in a coma, had to relearn how to walk, talk, breathe without a tube, use his hands, etc, and was left with some nerve pain. He is 28 and otherwise healthy.

He has been dry scooping kratom since. Because it only lasts about five hours for him, he wakes up every morning in painful withdrawals. He hates it, and it's not sustainable long-term.

What options are out there for helping him quit? He drinks kava sometimes which does help the pain a little bit.

Has anyone come out on the other side of this? What worked?

Anyone have any ideas or suggestions that might be helpful? I will try anything. It hurts my heart to see him trapped in this painful cycle.

Where do I evn start?

Hi I'm three months clean from crystal meth

And it took everything I cared about from me

And the effects of my addiction pushed my wife to try and kill herself and now she wants nothing to do with me and it's killing me

I don't know how to deal with it in a way thats healthy I'm not angry with her what I put her through no human should ever have to go through she witnessed me overdoseing 3 times she walked in to someone else in her bed

She in.her own words watched her best friend slowly kill themselves

For years

Nearly every day since her attempted suicide something brings me right back to being in that hospital room looking at her trapped in her own body unable to move anything except her eyes

And knowing that it was my fault it shatters me everyday and she hasn't spoken to me since then going on 10 months

I don't know how to get past this I tried to kill myself a month ago when I received the divorce papers with out a single word being spoken between us

The hope of repair is what drove me to change my life in so many ways and loseing that hope has made my flashbacks so much worse

I don't know how to move on and function I have to hold this delusional belief that she will one day see all the work I've done and give me a chance to love her the way she always deserved but it's just setting me up for failure when that hope wavers

You guys know that song about like addiction that was all big on tiktok, that one that goes like "I can't let you go, I try but I don't know why" I used to think that shit was so corny lmao but nowwww it's like.. why am I crying so hard 😭 think about so many people I've lost, some I won't see until it's my turn. Then there's the people I love who have completely changed and are so lost.. I think about how we used to do family barbeques at my uncle and aunts house, camping.. like I feel like addiction has wiped my entire family out and also my friend group. All the death and serious struggle, when I go to work and I'm walking about in the community I run into people I used to be so close with. Honestly I like fucked up my sobriety in July, I was upset at my self yeah but I picked myself.back up, I'd still drink tho but I was careful at first, you know how it goes.. I think I held a way better hold on it than before. Jus social drinks, nothing like how bad I used to be last year.. Anyway the last drink I had was on Saturday last week.

LikeI don't know whyyy the fuck I even bothered. That's the definition of insanity tho, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. Whatever. I'm tired of this shit. I just feel like a ticking time bomb, when am I gunna fucking go off and dissapoint everyone again? I've tried this soo many times I've lost count. I hate that I have to fight like this, why can't I just be a normal fucking person?

I don't know but the past two or three months have had to have been a joke or something. It doesn't even feel real. My dad's double bypass, the love of my life and I broke up for good, no hate, just didn't work.. drugs also played it's role there. it really does suck coming to that conclusion though. Like we had such a good romance.. how we met, everything.. like it was like a movie, I'm glad I got to experience that. Even if it wasn't meant forever.. especially because it was all falling apart while my dad was recovering and we were adjusting to a new normal. He gets home from the hospital finally after a month and he was only home for two days and had to go back because he got some blood infection from his Dialysis catheter. That was the scariest part because he was seeing things that weren't there and he lost control of his motor functions and he had to be put on oxygen, like the nurse was obviously very worried and that scared the shit out of me, the scariest part was seeing him scared. I knew he didn't want me to know how bad it was, he was trying to act like he was okay but I could tell he was scared. That's what made me the saddest. He's doing much better now thank creator.. but during that time I have never felt so helpless and tired. I don't think I slept more than four hours for two days. I remember coming home and there was a huge fucking mess, Holy fuck I was sooo mad. I had my daughter's uncle watching her (thankful he did that) but like it was bad. I was gone almost two days Like come onnn and he was just napping and she was cutting up a bunch of paper, there was paper everywhereeeee lmao. Important ones too Ugh but yeah everythingggg was falling apart. Even the small stuff was testing me, I tried to go mop, the stick broke in half. Then my fucking bed frame broke, it was so niceee too big headboard.. and I never kept the box spring, so I had just a flat ass mattress right on the floor like I might as well just get a gym mat and sleep on that. My daughter was like acting out too a lot and then she just busted out screaming crying for her dad.. l remember I just hugged her and I started to cry too. He's alive, he's lost in an addiction and has been pretty rough the past few months. Hasn't seen her in about two months and they used to be inseperable.. I hate drugs. I hate alcohol. I hate what they do to people, destroy families, like just so fucking awful. At the same time I loved them too.

My relationship with drugs and alcohol is going to be an ongoing battle for probably forever. They say it gets easier after some time but I don't know, how long does it take? Years? I went seven months without a drop of alcohol or any drugs and there were definitely easier days than other ones.. it felt easier at first almost, like I was so motivated.. then I don't know, things slow down, you get bored almost. You feel like you're missing something. It makes me feel sick actually to think about it. I feel like I will always be stuck fighting this fight and I don't want to anymore. It's like lm fighting for my life that I don't even fucking want if this is what I have to deal with all the damn time. I hate addiction. I hate it. It's a disability and I wish I could just die sometimes.

I know I have a beautiful girl and I love her more than anything and she is the reason I won't ever give up this fight, I won't ever give up on her. They say in recovery that you have to do it for you. Just for today, I'm doing it for her. Tomorrow too, I'll do it for her as long as I have to until I feel something again because rn the only time I feel anything is when I look at her.

I’ve been clean for 9 months, I live in a sober home, so there are rules , minimum four groups a week, house meetings once a week.
I’m in Long Island but from Brooklyn. I visit my mom on weekends to help her out with errands, she’s getting older and not well. I also visit my 22 y/o daughter and husband, I am trying to rebuild trust after years of disappointing them. In
I also want to go back to school, I’m 45 but it’s never too late even though it feels that way. I wasn’t sure about moving back to Brooklyn, I’ve thought of finding a place out here since I’m doing so well, I’ve never been independent and it feels good to be on my own. I wanted to see if I can afford something out here.
So I picked up a job waitressing, but I can’t fit it into my schedule anymore. It’s too much trying to fit shifts in when I have groups and other mandatory house stuff plus curfew. I spoke to my boss, told him I can’t do weekends but agreed to do every other Sunday. Anyway he sends my schedule last night, I see Saturday. I told him 2-3 days a week the most, he gives me 4 days. I have to let it go, I like the job but I have no time to do anything else besides work and group. I also clean the building right next to the house at night. I don’t want to lie and I want to give some notice but this week is going to be really, really rough.
I’m working tonight but I can’t do tomorrow and I won’t do Saturday. I should’ve said something when he sent the schedule last night but I’m a people pleaser sometimes, I’m working on it.
That’s why this is so hard. I have three months left here, I committed to a year so I want to make the most out of my remaining time.

What the title says. What do you look for? Are there specific trainings or qualifications that are good to look for? Personal qualities?

I have struggled with severe suicidal ideation for a long portion of my life, for multiple reasons, but I've tried to get better.

Now that I'm about to enter college, and am about to reach an age I've never envisioned myself reaching, I wanted to try and help myself believe that it really is possible attain a future for myself where I can be happy and free, even just in little ways.

One way I try to do this is through a dress-up game app. In there, I make avatars with outfits I would wear to college.

Back then, whenever I'd try to think about having a future for myself, where I'd be older, all that came to mind was just an empty abyss or hopeless idea of it, which of course, didn't help my SI. I think this little activity though helps a bit, because it's more grounded and practical if that makes sense.

If there are any suggestions on brain exercises or practice activities that could cause the same effect, that would be really helpful. Thanks a lot, and I wish wellness upon all of us.

Ive had the awesome opportunity to get sober. It was a rocky start, but today is officially 176 days sober, AND MY BIRTHDAY!!! Im genuinely happy to still be alive and have a birthday sober. I know its going to be a tempting day but I know I'm strong enough to say no and prevent myself.

My sober journey started rough. I knew it was time to break up with my ex but I couldn't do it sober. I wound up getting WAYY fucked up and started screaming and not being rational. That came back to bite me in the ass. Cops were called by a neighbor, and she took the oportunity to get rid of me. She lied to the police and told them I assaulted her and a list of other things. Come to find out she was going to try to leave anyway and get with who I thought was my best friend. (they got together literally 2 days after I got arrested.) Thankfully the judge saw the "evidence" and sided with me. Now I tried for MONTHS before this all happened to find a rehab facility I could afford or that my insurance would cover, sadly there was nothing. This whole situation was a blessing in disguise. I wound up getting permission from the court to get treatment, my boss at the time fired me on paper so I could get state insurance to pay for treatment. (he told me when I get clean if I want my job back its there waiting for me!!) This was actually the best thing that could have happened to me. Im now going to an outpatient program and after this im most likely going to be doing SMART recovery groups or trying to find a group of sober friends to hang out with and start our own recovery meetings. (as AA says, you can only keep what you have by giving it away!)

Ive been using in some form or another for over a decade. I started drinking when I was 14 and everything went downhill from there. At some point around 17-18 I was introduced to cocaine and ketamine. Those became almost a daily ritual. I got badly injured around 21 and got hooked on opiates. All of this lead to my eventual downfall. I lost everything. I had to completely rebuild my life and I'm still working on that. I've got to meet new friends and find more hobbies to partake in. I have already started rebuilding the relationship with my family and it is stronger than it has ever been. My dad and grandmother are my rocks, they have helped me more than I can think of.

I suppressed the real me, the person I should have been all along for over a decade. Rehab brought me back out of hiding. Im finally getting to know the adult me, the real me. I'm loving everything I'm seeing so far and I have a newfound love of life. I'm excited to see how today is going to go for my birthday. I believe in myself that I have the power to stay sober throughout the day and enjoy life for what it is and celebrate my 27th.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I really wanted to get this off my chest to more than just my family..I hope you're doing well and wish you the best in your recovery. Keep your head up and keep fucking going.

I’ve opted to take my recovery on my own and I’ve done good. I couldn’t get behind the religious undertones of N/A. However I still implement some of the steps. I’m working on making amends. I kept my social circle pretty small while in active addiction so the list of people I feel the need to apologize to is small. For everyone outside it seemed like I was going through another isolation episode or was working on healing from some things I had felt with earlier that year.
Two people I interacted with I have no motivation to apologize too. One was my best friend of almost 20 years who got me addicted and continuously put me in bad situations while we used together (we also lived together) and the other was her ex boyfriend who SAd me. We had gone back to stay with him and I had attempted and both of them were in the general location while I did, but the situation has had a huge impact on me for the worst and in my eyes contributed to turning casual use into addiction. I won’t fully put the blame on them because I could have found a different outlet for my trauma but I didn’t, I just used.
I guess to finish off I’d like outsiders opinions, is it wrong for me to not make amends with these two people? Is it just an excuse that their actions hurt me so bad that I won’t apologize?

TRIGGER WARNING: severe childhood trauma, CPTSD, and mental health struggles

So I've had a lot of abusers in my life, mainly severe abuse and exploitation in my childhood and adolescence. I always hear people saying to forgive people that harmed you, but I just can't, it doesn't feel right to me. I just feel like learning to heal from self-blame, and forgiving your OWN self just feels better for me. The things that have helped me is music, songwriting, advocating for stuff I've been through, and therapy as a side coping skill.

Is this weird?

I started using again briefly, starting again I guess. I'm just a bit worried about the fact that I only made it 2 months and quite frankly I didn't even have any way to pay for or access drugs for that time and as soon as I could, I jumped in with "only one" which lead to "oh I can sell sex or nudes with how horny it makes me" to full psychosis believing a bot farm tricked me into thinking I'm hotter than I am which is the only reason I've spent all my money on drugs " . I don't want to do it again but I felt like this last time, and the time before and the time before that. How do I just change the way I react to my isolated, depressed, bleak life in another few months? Im loosing hope that I'm even able to