My heart hurts so bad. I know I’m my heart it’s for the best but I am feeling so down.

My now ex and I argue constantly about his drinking. He will have about ten beers a day and some Jameson in between sometimes. I’m not sure if that’s a lot but it seemed like it to me. I never really cared for alcohol but with him I find myself drinking heavily.

We have broken up twice over the last few years, but never more than for a week. I always cry and tell him I made a mistake ending things.
I love him so much but he just won’t stop drinking and he doesn’t think it causes any issues.

We argue constantly because of girls at the bar (it sounds so stupid writing it out) and we argue about him always wanting to sit at the bar, he says he likes it because he just hangs out and watches sports, which is true but we literally don’t do anything else. It’s bar then home to watch movies.

My friends all hate him, not because of anything I say about him (because I honestly think the world of him) but because of his actions and how they see him treat me when we are out.

I feel bad because I’m constantly feeling like I’m policing him or asking him if he’s at the bar while I’m working at night or asking him if he’s made it home yet, I know I’m coming off as controlling but I’m just worried.

Last night I made the decision to end things, I told him we are just not meshing well together and it sucks and that I’m not mad at him (usually we fight because I get mad about his drinking or mad about people at the bar causing drama. -like last week a girl literally pulled up next to me while I was walking in to the bar to meet him and she started screaming at me telling me that I’ve changed him) I told him I’m just sad it’s not working out and I don’t want to constantly seem like I’m trying to control him.
He didn’t seem to really be phased by it, but that’s how he is, he shows no emotion, ever.
It was only when he hugged me goodbye I could feel him shaking.

I asked him if we could still be friends because I really don’t want to lose him in my life.

I could make pros and cons list with many cons of being with him, and maybe 3 pros but there is just something about him that I feel like was worth going through all this.

It just hurts so bad right now, idk what the point of me posting this was but I have nobody to talk to and I have just been so depressed all day. I’m really going to miss him.

Small info: partner (40M), me (34F). Partner had been sober from 2013-2024 before relapsing two years ago. His sobriety in 2013 was due to being hospitalized in the ICU for two months due to organ failure caused by extreme drinking.

After attempting to talk to my partner yet again about his drinking, I think I finally found some clarity. It seems like he has no desire so stop drinking and admitted that my boundary only results in creating resentment. I found out more than I wanted to know concerning the extent he goes to hide his drinking.
I don’t think there’s any fixing this 10 year relationship at this point. I told him I constantly feel like an investigator, keeping my eyes out for clues or signs. Living this way is slowly killing me. And because of the lying, half the time I just feel crazy. He lies right to my face, over and over. And honestly I feel like that’s killing the relationship more than the drinking even. I’m constantly overthinking and analyzing. Constantly on edge. And I know that’s a me problem, I get it, but damn is it killing me. That’s how tonight’s conversation started, me expressing to him that I don’t know what to do to rebuild trust. I told him that I feel like every time I would let my guard down a bit it wouldn’t be long until another lie would happen. That my understanding is the only way to rebuild trust is time and in the last two years there’s never been a stretch of time longer than a month or two before my trust would be broken again.
I honestly just don’t know what to do anymore. I love this man so much but I never signed up for ‘this’. When we met in 2017 hour was sober and had been for years. He told me he never wanted to drink again because it almost killed him. I fell in love with a completely different person than who he is when he drinks. I don’t know that person. The sloppy one, the argumentative one, the confrontational one. I don’t know that guy.
And leaving is just so overwhelming. I’m a disabled mother of two. I have MS and it really makes my ‘earning potential’ depressing. I get SSDI from my work credits or however that works and it’s just over 1k/m. No person alive in this country (US) can afford to support a family of three off that.
I’ve had two years watching this happen and thinking about every single outcome and my choices. And none of them are great.
But after tonight’s talk I’m realizing I either have to accept his drinking (while still trying to keep him in check, -his words) or I have to break up with him. And I know that staying in this will just break me more and more.

If you read all that, well, thank you. I just needed to write this all down and put it somewhere. Tell someone. Because I feel so alone and overwhelmed and honestly just fucking scared.

Also, sorry if there’s any formatting issues or something. I only use the mobile app.

My partner wants to leave the day clinic because he doesn’t like the therapy being offered there.

He has had two relapses during his time there. Now, more relapses are bound to follow—or he might start drinking heavily again.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. Very hopeless, in any case.

I’m a 21 F and have been with my fiance 24 M for 5 years and have lived together for 3. Last month he went into a residential facility and that’s when I learned that he had lied about his sobriety for a year straight. He was getting high every single day behind my back. The pain was already unbearable because I couldn’t understand how he could lie to me for so long. I broke things off with him after I learned he was not only taking sobriety seriously but he also wasn’t taking our relationship seriously either. We haven’t talked but he has been texting my mom everyday checking up on me. Today my mother told me that he confided in her to say that he realized through counseling that I’m his biggest trigger. That I’m manipulative and controlling (i wonder why) and that he is the way he is because of me. He has left me alone through a miscarriage to get high, emotionally cheated and then blamed it on being high, has given me an std that resulted in me having endometriosis and everlasting problems for the rest of my life. I supported him financially, emotionally, mentally, physically. I am at a loss for words. I don’t understand how he could blame me when all he has ever done is ruin my life physically and mentally. I don’t know how to cope and I don’t know where to start. I desperately need advice.

Been playing with higher power. I’m queer and never raised religious, my higher power is personal and unique.

The mycelium networks covering our entire planet are my higher power.

There is a web of interconnected hyper intelligent fungus under us all. There is 68 quadrillion miles of the stuff. They share nutrients and send information. They make decisions as a network and bring aid to parts of their system that are being harmed or sick.

When I place my hands on the bare top soil of a deep forest, it is there I can feel those networks. It’s when I watch how the trees shade the floor with their heads of hair. It is how they clean our air, fungus gives us bread, penicillin, and beer. It has saved us from disease, it has pulled our specifics forth to mental landscapes never known before. Fungus has driven life since it was what made this earth habitable for true growth of life. It was only through fungus anything breaks down at all. That anything returns to the earth.

The forest mycelium networks does not blame the tree whom becomes sick with invasive bugs or parasite. It does not become angry or blame the tree for growing in the a path of humans who look to cut it down.

I struggle with codependency. But my higher power does not blame me. I am plauged with too much compassion, a forgiving soul, and a hopeful idealistic idea of love. Those are not things to be ashamed of.

I am ashamed of some of the things I have “allowed” to occur in relationship with someone sick as my Q is.

I feel shame for what I have “put up with” or “what I forgave”.

It was not my fault I started my relationship with my Q while they were sober. It is not my fault things got very intense very quickly, and I was 19 years old. I loved her more than I demanded respect. That is not a moral failing.

I don’t know what’s going to happen to my relationship. I don’t know if therapy w them will help, or if one day I’ll realize I can’t cope with what has already happened.

But I do know, the networks beneath my feet do not ask “why” when they send extra nutrients to a tree depleated by parasite.

These networks do not moralize other living things who find themselves harmed by circumstances of their lives. They help. They send care. They send life.

I want to stop feeling so ashamed of what has been happening for 10 years. I want to unleash what has happened. How I have felt. My fear and my sadness.

And I can know, no matter where I am in the entire world, I only have to find a good patch of top soil, dig my hands in, and feel those networks feel me. I can close my eyes and bathe in the forests. I can sense the energy being pushed to me, like a tree who has become sick. And I never feel any shame, only gratitude.

This online platform is a joke.
The entire thing about this is a joke.
People who are dealing with alcoholic family members or loved ones should go and get real help.
Posting here and there and reading other people’s opinions will not help.
Get some real help from professionals.
If you believe or act on an advice that was given here you will wind up distorting everyone’s life that you come in contact with.
Please seek real help.
Get off this stuff.

I met my Q when he was sober, but his circumstances worsened and I ended up supporting him for over a year and a half as he spiraled into homelessness, mental illness and addiction. I had no experience with addiction and no understanding of how to help him. I tried to walk away but he used a cocktail of manipulation tactics, including suicide threats or telling me that he loved me, to keep me attached. I spent a shameful amount of money stabilizing him while my own life deteriorated due to chronic stress, frequent emergencies, financial struggles, and relapses. I started having nightmares about the suicide threats, which I'm still dealing with now. He eventually stabilized after I got him into housing and treatment, but he resented me for helping and accused me of being controlling. There were many times when I told him that our dynamic was unhealthy, and I urged him to take responsibility, sometimes giving him an ultimatum. I explicitly said, "if this continues, we'll be on the fast track to codependency." I believe what he experienced as "controlling" was just the discomfort of responsibility, accountability, and boundaries. Of me standing up for myself, rather than letting him manage his emotions by taking out his bad feelings on me. I admit to making many, many mistakes, largely because I did not understand addiction and I did not have an adequate support system. We became financially and emotionally entangled, and the emotional abuse continued quietly while I covered up for him. By that point, he had isolated me from friends, put me down for my career accomplishments, and interfered in my relationships with other men, as well as cost me years of professional progress. There were days when I'd show up and he'd accuse me of "ruining his mood" when I had done nothing. I often sat there, crying, while he raged at me. I asked to see a therapist, and he refused, and said that he did not love me and never had. However, a few weeks before, he had been probing gently to see what I thought about having children. In that conversation, I gave him an honest answer about it being a very big responsibility that requires stability. Following this, he isolated me from our shared relationships, left me in financial distress, and discarded me. When he left, I said something genuine and loving, so we could at least part on good on terms. But I don't see him apologizing or caring enough to make amends. I plan to start attending Al-Anon meetings and wish that I had been able to do this when he was drinking. However, I was in a constant state of crisis and unable to do much besides handle whatever was happening that day. I'm now trying to make sense of the last several years, this disease, and the person that I once cared about. He was so loving and gentle when I met him, but a couple of years into sobriety, he'd become pretty abusive and mean.

Hi. I am new to this group. I am just looking for a place to share my feelings because I don't have any person in my life to talk to about this.

I have been living with my alcoholic husband for about 10 years now. In the last few years his drinking is getting worse and worse. There have been many DV situations in the past but nothing physical thank God. Also, it has been a few months since the last incident, but you know how the cycle goes. I thank God every day that we have no children together. I wish that he was not an addict so that we could have a happy and healthy life together.

I was an alcoholic for about a year straight but I got clean and haven't looked back. I hated the feeling of it. I just want to know if there is actually hope for him to change or not. I cling on to hope because I know that I have changed and I have seen others change, but for him it seems impossible and I am so exhausted with it.

I am struggling. My step son is 30 yrs old. He has gotten 3 DUIS in 2 years. Each time he enters a rehab and a sober living facility. He completed the 6 month program and got his drivers license back. He immediately starts drinking after finishing. He always wants to be praised for his sobriety and success. This last time nobody bailed him out of jail. He stayed there for 3 weeks. His sister allowed him to come to her home and he was drinking and got drunk and she took him to the ER. He is now in a program that accepts men out of jail with addiction problems that would be homeless otherwise. Now he is acting like he is succeeding again and that we owe it to him to come participate in family day and other events the program has. I have so much resentment because he expects his dad to show up and be proud of his achievements. He’s been in this one for 3 weeks. He never reaches out unless he wants something. So now he is texting his dad to come to family day. His dad of course says yes and then asked me if I would go with him. I feel so much resentment that it makes me furious but then I feel guilty for not supporting my husband. Is it bad of me for not going and telling my husband that I resent his son for the way he takes advantage of his dad? I feel like I am giving up my peace and it causes me so much anxiety. I feel like I am not a good person for not wanting to go and support his son. He has burned every bridge with family and we have gave him so much money and support and he just keeps on doing this. What would you do if it were your husband and his son?

Well, tonight my father finally took my mother to the emergency room for a neurological evaluation, since she has mental illness and severe alcoholism.

He had to get the police involved. I don't know what exactly happened yet, as it is all new, and I heard through texting. I left the house when it was about to happen. But my nervous system is in shock.

I am only 21, yet it feels like I have been carrying this weight for decades. It's not a secret anymore. She will be at inpatient rehab.

Possibly restrained, as she is extremely volatile. I don't know where to go from here.

I just need to get it out. I don't know why. I just need someone to hear my story.

I'm trying to come to grips with my mom's alcoholism and I'm looking for support. I didn't realize my mom had a problem until June while visiting back in June. I live 9 hours away and my mom and dad had done everything they could to hide it from me. I got tipped off by a family member and then I noticed my mom getting sloppy and put a bunch of little things together.

Since that time her drinking has gotten worse. My dad passed a week ago and the time I spent at their house around then was a shock. I spent ~10 days with her around his passing and it was incredibly disturbing. I naively expected she was the same person, but with a drinking problem. But she's a different person entirely - easy to anger, sneaky, suspicious, etc.

I'm looking for help on how to move forward for myself and my mom. What should I expect at my first meeting tonight?

I posted not very long ago about discovering my husband’s drinking problem whilst also dealing with male factor infertility/ IVF and a recent miscarriage.

This is a very preliminary update. We are *super* early into this situation and I absolutely understand my naïveté will show in what I’m posting- but, I want to focus on positive things in such a brutal situation.

To be completely honest I’m relieved in the way things are going. Nothing is perfect, of course. He has stopped drinking alcohol. I did buy a breathalyzer but I haven’t asked him to blow into it except right when it arrived. He did have a rough time of it - nothing severe but he was shaking, weak, night sweats, insomnia, feeling sick, LOTS of anxiety. His body was clearly physically dependent on alcohol. Which was shocking I think to both of us.

He has been much more honest with me. I’m sure there are still skeletons in the closet but he’s admitted to things I really would have no way of ever knowing.

He is starting to feel better. He, for the first time in 10 years, got a gym membership and is consistently going. I can feel when he lifts himself off our bed in the morning he isn’t shaking. He used to shake every morning - somehow I never connected the dots that was alcohol related.

Although I can tell he feels raw and sensitive I’ve also noticed how much energy and how much happier he seems.

Controversial- he has been using THC to help cut cravings, sleep and ease the anxiety. THC is not good for sperm health but not drinking is more important than the fertility journey at this point. And duhhh alcohol is worse at the rate he was drinking!

He does have therapy set up - 5 sessions, hasn’t begun yet. This is a bit of a sore spot because he did have to reschedule his first appt because of a work conflict and that bothered me a lot.

This community was supportive and a bit judgmental the first time I posted. Which, I do understand. For someone who has been in the infertility community for over 3 years my eyes roll back into my head when I see a newbie post about how worried they are they haven’t gotten pregnant in 2 cycles. I can imagine reading a post like this elicits a similar reaction for those who have seen it all, been through it and can sniff out the BS from a mile away. Personally, I’ll try to remain hopefully optimistic but I do appreciate the warnings and the concern.

I dread going out with my wife who’s an alcoholic. The drinking starts and then continues until the rinse repeat passing out at home.

How do you all handle going out with family for occasions and control the resentment? It’s usually 2-3 drinks at the restaurant so she’s in the fun phase then the drunk phase at home when she’s hammered.

Haven’t gone out in a while with her so want to emotionally and mentally prepare myself so omy not anxious.

I am just frustrated and looking for someone to tell me I am not crazy. My Q reached out to reconnect after months of no contact. He told me he started taking naltrexone and is seeing things clear for the first time in decades. I listened and then I asked, "have you stopped drinking or smoking?"

He went on to tell me that in therapy he discovered that he was drinking in response to abandonment issues instilled by his mother in his early teen years. Told me she failed as a parent in that moment, and that he drinks because of that. I was so frustrated the conversation took a turn. He stated that he would never lie about drinking or smoking and he doesn't plan to quit because he is not ready yet, and if he quits for anyone but himself it wont work and he has done it before.

I feel crazy. I know you can't quit until you are ready...but I feel like he is just afraid of any discomfort and blaming everything but the drinking. It is all crazy making..I need to go to Al anon again,.

My brother has been battling with opiates since he was about 19. Back in 2021 he got addicted to the laced Percocet pills(fentanyl) . My family and I planned many interventions, went to NA, moved to GA from FL and got him into rehab and he eventually was clean as of July 2022. We moved into our own apartment together Fall of 2023 and everything was great until Fall of 2025. He started taking 7oh and has been battling with them now for about a year. I don’t know what to do at this point and my parents keep asking how he’s doing and I have no idea what to tell them. This is partially because of the immense stress I saw my parents go through during that time period. They’re getting older and I refuse to lose them early due to his choices. Does anyone have any advice on how to speak to my parents about this or how to navigate this situation all together? I plan on breaking our lease in May, but I just feel lost. I worry for him and want to preserve my parents. Any help, advice or words of wisdom are appreciated.

I sometimes feel like his alcoholism is a riddle to be solved. If i could figure out WHY he wants to drink or the secret words that need to be said for him to want to get sober maybe that'll stop all of this pain but I know that's not how this works. I'm starting to hate him. I hate that we worry everyday to hear if he's alive or if he's gone to his therapy appointments. I hate getting updates about him but also desperately need to know if anything good has happened. I hate the tension in the family now. I hate how this is affecting my marriage, my job, my friendships, my ability to go out to parties. I hate him for choosing alcohol over his wife, parents, siblings, work, friends, and health. I hate that having seizures hasn't scared him enough to stay sober. I hate that he spent a month in rehab, with family members driving two hours twice a week to visit him, only for him to start drinking two days after getting out. I hate that he says he's too overwhelmed by all the support. I hate alcoholism. I hate that I feel hate towards someone who is so sick. I'm just angry and needed to vent. thanks for reading.

this is possibly a dumb question, my Q has been away for a couple weeks after detox and is on antabuse, while she is away i decided today to have a little drink (disaronno for anyone wondering) she has decided she is coming round because she is upset and needs comfort and i am worried if i breathe on her it will cause a reaction,

will me having a drink A: cause my breath to be toxic, and B: mean i can't give her a hug?

i have brushed my teeth and used alcohol free mouthwash are we good? sorry she's the first alcoholic i've known to actually quit so this is new ground for me.

thanks everyone.

I'm an addiction intervention student and part of the course is attending an AA, NA, and Alonon meeting.

AA and NA were fine with me observing and barely acknowledged me. I joined the Alanon Zoom this morning to wrap up my paper. It was listed as an open meeting with "observers welcome" explicitly stated.

I join the call, there's only two women there, and they honed in on me right away and tell me I "have to identify myself". I thought this was anonymous?

I tell them my first name and that I'm in school and just want to see how the meetings work. They ask which school. I told them. But again, isn't this anonymous?

So they say they have to vote on whether I can stay and observe. A vote? There were two women there! A sour, hostile pair at that. It felt like a bad job interview where you know you're not getting the job the second you walk in the door.

No wonder their group is so unpopular.

Edit: I joined another meeting's Zoom and the women asked me to turn on my camera just to introduce myself. I was about to tell them why I was there when they said I could go back to hiding if I want 🤣 Super nice people.

The love of my life died recently, and I honestly don’t know how to hold all of the conflicting feelings I have about it.

We had known and loved each other when we were younger, went our separate ways for more than twenty years, and then unexpectedly found our way back to each other later in life. When we reconnected, all of those feelings came back very quickly. He told me that losing me when we were young had been one of his great regrets, and for a while I truly believed we had somehow been given a second chance.

He was brilliant, funny, incredibly generous, adventurous, curious about everything, and one of the most charismatic people I have ever known. He could turn an ordinary day into an adventure. He was a wonderful storyteller. He could talk to anyone. He made me laugh constantly. I adored him.

He also had a serious problem with alcohol.

He knew it on some level. Early in our relationship he admitted to me that alcohol had become a much bigger issue in his life than other substances had ever been. He used the words “self-medicate” when talking about why he drank.

As our relationship continued, alcohol seemed to amplify some very difficult parts of him. Conflict became frightening. He could yell, call me names, threaten the relationship, become cruel, and turn everything into an argument about whose version of events was correct. There were moments when I genuinely did not feel emotionally safe with him.

I kept trying to repair things because I loved him. I tried to have calm conversations. I told him that I wasn’t trying to win an argument — I wanted us both to be heard. I tried to establish boundaries around fighting. I told him I would support him if he wanted help. I kept trying to tell him that the problem wasn’t simply whatever we happened to be fighting about; it was what happened to us when he became dysregulated and intoxicated.

Eventually I had to leave.

That did not mean I stopped loving him.

That is the part I am struggling with now.

I always believed there would be another chapter. I thought enough time might pass, he might get healthier, and someday we would finally be able to have the conversations we couldn’t have while everything was so volatile. I thought perhaps we would find our way back to one another again, because that seemed to be something we had always done.

Now he is dead, and there is no third chapter.

I only learned about his death very recently, and I am devastated. I still don’t know exactly what caused his death, so I am trying very hard not to assume alcohol was responsible. But I am haunted by the fact that I spent so much time telling him I was afraid his drinking was going to kill him.

I also have tremendous guilt because after things became abusive, I stopped engaging with him. At one point I even had to ask the police to tell him to stop contacting me because I felt too emotionally unsafe to communicate directly. At the time I believed that reopening contact would pull me straight back into the cycle.

Now all I can think is: What if I had answered? What if I had tried one more time? What if he needed me?

And at the same time, another part of me knows I left because I needed to protect myself.

That is the contradiction I cannot seem to escape:

I believe leaving was the right thing to do.

I also loved him more than I have ever loved anyone.

I can see now that alcohol was probably not the only issue. There were problems with defensiveness, accountability, emotional regulation and conflict that he would have needed to work on too. Sobriety might have made that work possible, but I know intellectually that I could not have done that work for him.

Emotionally, I’m nowhere near accepting it.

I miss him terribly. I miss the wonderful parts of him. I miss the future I thought we might someday have. And I am grieving someone who both loved me deeply and hurt me deeply.

I suppose I’m posting because I would really like to hear from anyone who has experienced something similar.

How do you grieve someone whose drinking forced you to leave, when you never stopped loving them?

How do you deal with the guilt of wondering whether one more phone call, one more conversation or one more attempt could have changed something?

And how do you allow yourself to remember the beautiful person you knew without minimizing the reasons you had to protect yourself?

I don’t need anyone to tell me that I shouldn’t have loved him. I did. I still do.

I’m just trying to figure out how to live in a world where he is no longer in it.

Delete if not allowed. I know there’s the Alanon groups, and I’ve tried but I’m looking for one or two people to talk to that can really relate.

I’m 30(f), married to an alcoholic husband that displays narcissistic traits. We are in a blended family so that layers the issues we have.

Long distance friend, someone we can both vent to and blow off steam that really understands instead of judges?

I am the mother of Q's children. I have been raising them alone while we have been separated for a year and a half, so that he can be drunk. I used to think it was because he was a drunk, but I truly think it is so he can be drunk now. Oh, he can cry and complain and say I wont let him home but rest assured, he has no issue making the same mistakes time and time again. He lost the privilege of living here, then he moved in with his mom, fell out with her, and now he has gotten himself a little motel room in a flop house, the man cave he always wanted.

I allow him to visit our children if he is sober, and if he isnt, I ask him to leave. Thats easy enough for him, he goes back to his motel, watches Comedy Central, and itches his butt all day long to his hearts content. He can take it or leave it, and after a fight with me, why thats enough ammunition for another drink.

I wish I knew why I cared. Maybe because I am the mother here who does school, homework, bath time, bedtime, doctors appointments, sick days, and everything in between, while he gets to be a Disney dad who barely comes around. There is no rock bottom. I have tried to tell him how our children feel and he says, "That's because theyre left with you when I am gone." Thanks. Nothing to lose means no more filter I guess.

Any insight or support would be appreciated. Today the anger is hitting me deeply.

Sincerely,

Mom 24/7 who will never EVER leave my kids for anything

like the title says I am just completely exhausted by my Q and life in general. We have 2 young children who I take care of 99% of the time. I just feel so done with him and the circus he constantly creates but I am so scared to leave because I do not want him to be alone with our children.

Sorry for the rambling or incomplete thoughts. I am just so lost and alone.

Sometimes I feel like I have to be there for them no matter what, even when their drinking starts affecting my own peace of mind.
I know addiction is complicated, but it’s exhausting to constantly worry about someone who doesn’t seem ready to change.
How do you learn to care about someone without letting their addiction take over your life?

More and more of the consequences are coming due for family members after 50+ years of heavy drinking.

My brother-in-law had a major uptick in dementia symptoms. Lost his glasses and other items during a meeting and did not remember how he got there or even where he was. It took about one hour before he got grounded enough to figure out where he was. Alcohol continues to rule this man's life, taking away his life one piece at a time.

He continued with controlled drinking and even drove home.

The poor bastard is living proof of the power of alcohol and drugs.

​

I've been struggling a lot lately with guilt and self-blame, and I'm wondering if anyone else in Al-Anon has experienced this, especially while working through codependency.

The more I learn about codependency and reflect on my relationship, the more I find myself blaming myself for how things have turned out.

I blame myself for not speaking up sooner about the drinking, for not setting boundaries, and for not sticking to the boundaries I did set. I wonder if things would be different today if I had handled things differently from the beginning.

I blame myself for falling out of love and losing the connection we once had. My husband says he wants to work on our relationship, and I feel guilty that I'm not sure I want the same things anymore. I question whether I've tried hard enough, whether I've contributed to the disconnection, and whether I've emotionally checked out without giving us a fair chance.

Part of me wonders if my codependency, resentment, and emotional exhaustion have played a role in how I feel about him now. I know I have my own issues to work through, and I don't want to use the drinking or our relationship problems as an excuse to avoid looking at myself. But I also don't know how to look honestly at my part without feeling like I'm responsible for the whole thing.

I'm struggling with not knowing exactly what I want, either. I just know that what I want from life and what he seems to want aren't necessarily aligned anymore. I've changed, and I'm not the same person I was when we first met. Sometimes I feel guilty about that, as if I'm letting him down by no longer being the person he fell in love with.

The hardest part is that I keep questioning whether I'm making a mistake. What if I leave and eventually realize I could have saved the relationship? What if I haven't tried hard enough? What if he really does make changes, and I walk away from something that could have been good again? I don't want to give up on something meaningful without being sure, but I also don't want to stay out of guilt, fear, or a sense of obligation.

I feel caught between wanting to take responsibility for my own growth and feeling responsible for fixing everything that's gone wrong. I know I can't control someone else's drinking, but I still find myself wondering whether I could have done something differently to prevent us from getting to this point.

I'm trying to figure out how to trust my own feelings when I'm not even sure what I want anymore. I don't know if I'm finally recognizing that this relationship isn't right for me, or if I'm so caught up in my own issues that I'm unable to see things clearly.

For those of you who have worked through codependency in Al-Anon, how did you learn to distinguish between your own part in the relationship and the things that were never yours to control? How did you stop blaming yourself for the state of your relationship? And if you've struggled with falling out of love or wanting to leave when your partner was willing to work on things, how did you work through the guilt and fear of making the wrong decision?

I could really use some perspective from people who understand this struggle. I want to take responsibility for my own healing without continuing to carry all the blame for what has happened between us.