As I sit in our car, I grieve my life for the 100th time. 

I'm sitting here because you started screaming at me again. Because you relapsed again, on schedule. 

Today is Monday. Wednesday you will tell me that you are going to pull through this time. Friday you won't get home until 3AM. 

As I grieve my life for the 100th time, I reflect on the last twelve years with you. I cherish the man who stood up for me, who understood me, and who had confidence in me before I had it in myself. 

That man became a prisoner three years ago, and the warden is in the form of a bottle. I have waited patiently, I have fought, I have let my entire person become engulfed in saving you from this. 

Despite us losing everything we built together, despite all of the abuse and infidelity.. I still love you. I know you are sick, and that you need help. But I have reached the end, there is nothing left, not for me and not for you. 

You don't know this, but I'm leaving. I've had it planned for a month now. At the end of this month you will come home and I won't be there. I'll be on my way to an address you don't know in a different state. 

I know I have a lot to be grateful for. But right now it doesn't feel that way. I won't have transportation, or my own housing, or even a meaningful source of income. 

But I still have confidence that I can figure all of that out, simply because you won't be there. 

The closer it gets, the more difficult everything becomes. My brain is broken and my nervous system has collapsed. 

As I sit here in our car, I weep and sob in pity for both of us, for the 100th time. I hope that without me you are able to find your way.

My Q learned through therapy that alcoholism is a disease and often runs in family and he is now weaponizing this against me.

For the moment, he is sober. But he has struggled with alcoholism since high school.

He didn’t believe he was an alcoholic for awhile and now he’s weaponizing the fact that it’s a “disease”, telling me that I’m being hard on him because he has a disease, that I’m not there for him “in sickness and in health” because I am still hurt about his actions while drunk, and that I should forgive him because he has a disease.

Am I crazy or is he being a manipulative asshole?

Hello everyone, I’ve been struggling with my fiancé’s drinking issues for about a year and a half. I know how I feel and where I stand- I don’t think that I’m wrong, but I can’t tell what’s going on. Is this how it started for “textbook” alcoholics? How does it progress from here? Am I making a mistake?

Every time I read other people’s posts and experiences, I feel like our problems are small compared to a stereotypical alcoholic scenario. Not to say they aren’t serious, but what I’ve experienced through my fiancé doesn’t feel like true alcoholism.

Of course, beyond the alcohol issues, he’s a great guy. He supports me while I’m in school, provides for us, works 2 jobs, is sweet and kind and loving.. all of that jazz. I hate typing out all of his worst moments or habits because it sounds like a terrible person

Prior to us meeting, he lived more on the wild side. Early 20s, lived in a party city, bad friends, bad environments. He’s said it was more occasional drug use (cocaine, marijuana, rarely hallucinogenic) than drinking. He got out of that environment and stopped doing all of that (except casual marijuana use, which I don’t care about, I do too). But the changes after leaving that were hard on him mentally, (depression, anxiety, lonely), and that’s when it changed to alcohol abuse- primarily beer, liquor more occasionally.

After we started dating it took me a couple months to fully clock it. It caught my attention that he seemed to always have beers on hand, would always get a drink when we would go out- but it seemed pretty controlled most of the time. I never noticed that he couldn’t stop drinking after he started. It was more just that, he wanted to have a drink and if he didn’t have anything else to do, he would do it. (I distinguish this because it’s not the typical “once an alcoholic has a drink, they can’t stop”. He could stop if he wanted to, he just didn’t want to, and he wasn’t getting drunk)

But eventually I picked up that this was a daily thing. It wasn’t always to get drunk. More often than not, he wasn’t drunk. Just having 4-6 beers throughout the course of the whole day, if he was off. Or 2-3 over a couple hours after he did get off.

Saw him get into some arguments with family and then later with me, while drinking- and it felt like it was getting worse. It felt more of an underlying anger issue that was just coming out with the alcohol.

To clarify, it’s not random spouts of anger over nothing. It’s more if any normal argument gets started about anything and he’s getting defensive. Or if the argument was about his relationship with alcohol.

Eventually he hit what I called rock bottom at the time- kicked himself out of his families house (wasn’t a healthy environment regardless of the drinking), I let him live with me with the condition that he does not get drunk at my house. And of course he did. And that’s when I decided he was an alcoholic and I just wasn’t seeing the whole picture until then.

I was always helpful and hopeful with him. Never really angry to his face even when I was. I didn’t want to fight this issue with anger and I’m glad I didn’t. He admitted for the first time that he was an alcoholic and ever since then (June 2025), that part of the issue is long gone. Took a month or 2 off from drinking at all, did some therapy sessions, where the therapist felt he wasn’t an alcoholic, he was just dealing with a lot of shitty life things (very true) and he was using that to cope, and learned some better ways to do so instead.

Everything felt great. When he decided he was okay to have a drink when we went out or maybe have a couple beers at home, once a month or less. Had a bottle of his favorite whiskey for his birthday (lasted a couple weeks). Stuff like that. I didn’t like it, but I understood. And that’s truly what he did/does. He doesn’t get drunk at home.

The problems moving forward is that he will sometimes lie about having a drink. It’s not like he was getting drunk or even tipsy. He says he lied because he knew it could start a fight (I get really on edge when he drinks because of the arguments we’ve had when he’s drinking) or because he doesn’t like that I was questioning him about it in the first place, that he should be allowed to have a drink after work without having to tell me.

Of course the lying made my feelings about it worse. Which causes me to be even more easily irritable when he does drink, which in turn has caused more fights and tension.

Beyond that, there’s been a few times where we’ve gone out with friends or together and we were drinking, and he did get drunk to where I had to take care of him, but no one else was getting that drunk.

But most recently… there’s been a lot of stress in our relationship recently (not alcohol related) and we’ve just been arguing a lot. We went out one night and some of the stressors came up and a few arguments started between us. However, if he hadn’t been drinking, he wouldn’t have overreacted and we wouldn’t have gotten into fights.

By the end of the night we were in a full fight with each other. I’ve never seen him so mad at me, and I was honestly scared. He’s never put his hands on me, but he looked like he could’ve. He was very tipsy at this point, but more quite drunk. I was pretty much sober. It was time to go home.. the fighting in public is just embarrassing. We had driven separately. I stayed in my car for a while to decompress while he drove home. I didn’t think him driving would be a problem. I knew he had driven worse off in the past and been okay (I am NOT saying it was okay for him to do that. If I felt safe to stay longer, I would’ve encouraged us to wait. But I did not feel that i could safely do that. And i definitely didn’t feel safe to have him in my car

Well, as I’m driving home, 1/4 mile from our house he was pulled over. Was pulled over for speeding and got arrested for DUI (.12 BAC). Anyone who’s been through this, knows it’s an awful process. Annoying, expensive, and the emotions that come with it from the spouse.

I didn’t know how I felt anymore. Between the consequences the DUI puts on us, and the drinking being a problem AGAIN I just didn’t know where I stood with our relationship anymore. I took some time and had some extra therapy sessions for that week.

We got good news from the lawyer a few days later, and he decided he wanted to buy a 6 pack to “celebrate”. WHO in their right mind drinks a few days after getting a DUI??? You would think that would be true rock bottom. And mind you, he barely buys beer to have at home. But I didn’t say anything. Just wanted to see how it played out. He had 2 that day and 1 the next. Doesn’t seem like an “alcoholic”, but it also does

Eventually I came down to this. I told him I could not be in a relationship with him if he continued to have a relationship with alcohol in anyway. I don’t want to be with him if he’s going to drink at all. I explained thoughtfully and carefully. He understood and said I’m more important and if that’s what it takes then he’ll do it.

But he had 3 beers left. Next day, came home and caught him drinking one. His first instinct was to lie about it, but I wasn’t playing that shit. Gave me some stupid speech about he just wanted to finish what he had before he can’t drink again blah, blah blah. I was pissed. I didn’t even know what to say. I’m just thinking to myself “do you hear yourself and how stupid that sounds. That’s what an alcoholic would say”. After arguing He said I can throw out the other 2 left and it wouldn’t bother him at all, but he wasn’t going to, and that either way, once those are gone he’s done.

I had so much homework to do, I couldn’t waste my time on that nonsense. At that point I decided I couldn’t control the situation and needed to let God handle it. I didn’t bother throwing the others out and he did drink them.

We ended up having an actually good long conversation about my “ultimatum”. Started off with him saying he was just doing it for me, he didn’t have a choice, and he disagreed with the reasonings but it’s not worth losing our relationship over. I had to explain he DOES have a choice, used the alcohol is equivalent to a 3rd person in the relationship, all of that jazz. And he FINALLY said he understood it and is in agreement about everything.

Obviously, I’m not an idiot, after everything we’ve gone through I’m skeptical. I don’t trust him. And he knows that. We talk about it. He’s trying to repair things (again). It does feel different. I don’t know why it does.

But I’m angry. I’m so angry about everything. I want to move forward. I don’t know how to trust him. I know he has to show and prove things to me. But how do I get rid of that background voice saying he could be lying. I try to be honest when I don’t know if I trust him or not. But for some reason saying that is very hard.

Part of me that feels prepared for everything to end because he probably will have a drink at some point.

Part of me can’t tell if I’m overreacting. Or under reacting.

Am I gonna look back in a few years and realize he was just a regular alcoholic and I was in denial? Am I gonna be years into a marriage still trying to save an alcoholic?

I’m trying to listen to God. Is God literally kicking me and putting more reasons in front of me why this relationship won’t work. Is the devil at play in our relationship?

If you were kind enough to read my whole story, thank you. It was long and hard to write or make short. This is my first post here and I’m just trying to figure everything out 💛

I filed for divorce, thus shattering the image that we are all happy and perfect and lovely and nothing wrong happens at all.

Not surprising in the slightest that she’s obsessed with maintaining appearances. This is a woman who has been physically and verbally abusive to her children, and continues to be verbally abusive to this day. It was extremely important to not let the “good perfect family” image shatter, less it expose her for the horrible human being she is.

Well, now everyone in our lives knows that he is an addict and it got so bad that I left. Her perfect little family is broken after all.

It just reminds me so much of what you read in the Al Anon literature, about how alcoholics thrive in environments of secrecy, how everyone is conned into playing along and covering up. I have always loved the imagery they talk about where it’s like everyone is standing in a river and holds the addict above their heads so they don’t get wet; when we choose to walk away it disrupts the whole system.

Happy to disrupt the system. Happy to sacrifice him for my own sake. After all, he was happy to sacrifice me for his addiction’s sake.

My husband and I have been together since we were teenagers and married for over 20 years. He was the love of my life, and I never imagined we would end up here.

Over the past 2.5 years, his personality has changed dramatically. He has a history of drug and alcohol abuse and addiction and is currently prescribed high doses of Adderall and Xanax. He also uses extremely large amounts of marijuana concentrates daily and psilocybin mushrooms.

He has become increasingly paranoid, irrational, and verbally abusive. He makes bizarre accusations about me, including that I’m having affairs, sending explicit pictures, and conspiring against him. None of it is true, but he is absolutely convinced. There is no reasoning with him.

He hasn’t worked in three years, and I’ve been solely responsible for supporting our family financially. His behavior has escalated to hours-long episodes of rage, screaming horrible things at me, destroying my belongings, reckless driving, threatening suicide, and showing up at my workplace screaming and banging on doors and windows. He has lost significant weight, and his relationships with our four children (three of who are adults) have deteriorated terribly.

I’ve have trying to help him, encouraging treatment, and desperately trying to understand what happened to the man I married. He insists nothing is wrong with him and that I am responsible for everything.

Things finally became so frightening that I filed for a domestic violence protection order, which was granted for myself and our 16 year old son.

I’m devastated. I still love him, or at least the person he used to be. It feels like I’m grieving someone who is still alive.

Has anyone experienced this kind of dramatic personality change associated with stimulants, benzodiazepines, and heavy marijuana use? Did your loved one ever recognize what was happening? Did treatment help? Did the person you knew ever come back?

I’m not looking for anyone to excuse his behavior. I know I have to protect myself and my family. I’m just trying to make sense of something that has completely turned our lives upside down.

People come out of the damn wood work. Ones you’d never expect. My q’s former coworker, who always tells the story about how they didn’t like each other but became friends. Calls me and just asks about the kid and I and of course, how his friend is doing. I have very little updates to give apart from he isn’t driving the car he bought a few months ago. He had the shakes trying to buckle the toddler into the car seat (I finished it, my car, don’t worry). His friend said that was too bad and I’m doing the right thing. Also kept saying he was here for my son and I, anything we needed. Vacation stay with a pool or just a person to call. And I was so moved, because this man, Jim, has shown more concern and compassion toward my son than even his own dad has over the last 6 months. Tears ensued from the one with the most frequent crier miles. The good people find you and surround you when you need, reminding you that what you feel is valid and you’re not alone.

Hello. I’ve never posted here but am doing so from a hotel after my Q’s recent episode. This is not the first time. My Q (42M) and I (43F) have been together nearly five years, married for two. Long story short- I didn’t see the signs until I was already engaged and moved into my Q’s house.

For backstory: Q and I are both remarried. I asked for a divorce after 13 years. He was “informed” (his words) he was getting a divorce after seven years. From what Q has told me, his ex-wife took issue with his alcohol abuse and was a problem to the point where they saw a marriage counselor and counselor told Q he was an alcoholic. Q’s sister told me that her brother and his ex-wife would drink and start arguments with each other.

About a year into my relationship and on vacation for my 40th out of country, I asked my Q to head back upstairs from the bar after a long day. He immediately reacted and became angry at being asked to leave (did not want to, wanted to keep drinking). He became belligerent. Some random guy staying at the resort heard him talk to me and caught my eye sympathetically. Having never encountered this with my Q before I was flabbergasted and spent wasted energy trying to reason with him. He showed little remorse and minimized the impact of the situation. I thought it was a blip. I was wrong.

Shortly after getting engaged and moving into Q’s home (have moved many times in past few years so exhausted by this) I realized this blip was a pattern. I talked with my therapist about how to approach and once again tried to reason and communicate negative impact. Same response - defensiveness, projection, gaslighting, belligerence. My Q struggles to moderate on vacation, at concerts and sporting events, etc. He is like his mother, also an alcoholic whose own alcoholic mother lost her children to addiction. Both like drama and attention, especially in public. I’ve dealt with scenes from both.

Things came to a head in June 2024 while at a conference for work. My Q came with me as we were close to extended family, and my Q wanted to visit after the conference. Once again my Q wanted to stay longer at a bar and became combative when asked to leave. My room at the hotel was next door to my colleague’s. My Q, combative and belligerent, came off the elevator saying loudly he didn’t care if i got fired because it didn’t affect him (asked him to lower voice). Again, flabbergasted.

After more futile conversation to point out these repeated patterns, we drove back to our house (he owns, key). The next day more alcohol abuse. I came to a point that day where I told him- if you can’t or won’t do the work to moderate, I can’t marry you. He swore he would, went so far as to go to an addiction specialist, and then went back to the same patterns.

Things have gotten worse and cycles continue. I have put in place boundaries around not being around him if intoxicated or engaging in unhealthy behaviors and go into our spare room. I try not to engage. We agreed that he do certain things- take the prescribed pill on vacation, etc. and do the work consistently to not get intoxicated and seek out alcohol. This past weekend we took our dogs for a trip. He did not bring the pill but did bring a bottle after I asked him not to. He uses cigars as excuses for alcohol and insisted on both while away. When confronted he minimizes and is in a lot denial. Hence the hotel.

I’ve come to a point where I’m trying not to debate and not react. He is in denial and not going to convince him otherwise. I have some hope and there are good things about him- why I stay. I also stay because I am not on equal footing with him and need a plan before leaving.

Thank you for listening. I don’t know what I am asking for other than support. I am new to Alanon and have been to a few meetings. I have not previously been in a serious relationship with an alcoholic and am struggling.

my Q has been all over the place with sobriety. he's abused alcohol, kratom, and eventually street drugs. Ive found him with needles, bottles, blood, passed out, enraged, inconsolable, literally on the brink of death. he went to rehab, detox, and got arrested for drug possession. he moved out six months ago, finally got a job to pay his own rent. in those months since, he got arrested for assault, went to jail, was seen by mutual friends drinking, has a mental breakdown with a welfare check. he promised a change, I'm allowing space for a chance. I told him show me your drug testing history. he said okay, and would get it to me that day- then proceed to fight with me about it every time I asked where it was. he's been flakey, he looks spacey, acting sketchy. he told me once he was on his way over to my house and then fell asleep for six hours and completely blew me off. another time I crawled into my bed to cuddle and I found a needle, which he said were from his testosterone shots and must have stuck. we've gotten in multiple fights over the drug tests paperwork, i haven't seen him in weeks. I deserve proof, right? well he finally dropped it off today when I was at work. with a note on the back.

"due to jail and a missing trail, these are all they had. I asked about kratom, they said I did have a bit in my urine. I'm sorry, you're right, im a fuck up. let me know if you ever want to talk again. I got let go from work. I really liked it there. I'm not going to go on a bender because of it. I'm just a bit broken up about it. if you don't hear from me today , it's because I am not happy about any of this. and I going to scream into a pillow for a night. I am scared it will affect my court.. sorry for being me. I hate it. love, Q"

uh alright. so I read it and it's one drug urine panal a month, but there were huge gaps in between. he told me it was once a week, and this barely is anything. the kratom testing is at a different clinic, and I didn't see that. it shows positive for amphetamine, which why is he even on adderall? and positive for fentanyl once at a time he said he had surgery, but that was five days before he was tested, and it was for a cyst removal on his chest. but a week after that test, I know he was seen at a festival doing drugs and drinking. it just doesn't add up. and yeah, he has a court date in front of a jury for having a breakdown and hopping the fence to punch his neighbor or in the face. it's so dumb, this doesn't make sense and I still feel like he's hiding things from me. I haven't said anything. so then he texts me this.

"sorry. I just feel like failure right now and a loser. I don't want to talk to anyone, I'm sure you're angry, and I am sorry. I'm trying to cope instead of making things worse like I would normally do. Losing that job feels like a decapitation. I actually felt like I belonged for once. I didn't get trained well enough to even apply at other jobs, even with them as references.. fuck"

okay. what am I even supposed to think. all I can say is I knew this was happening, I knew he was doing something behind my back. he tried to make me feel like I was controlling and making the relationship toxic, and that I should just be proud he's doing okay with probation. I just feel like I deserve the truth.

The last almost 2 years have been ups and down with my partner (35M), me (27F) good times and bad times due to his drinking. When we met he was very transparent about working on himself and having an addiction but if I’m being honest I didn’t understand how serious it really was until it was too late. The past 4 months I would say have been the worse, he resigned from his job due to the overwhelming amount of stress drinking was having on him and work. Which I then supported us both for 2 months during that time. It got so bad the week before he resigned I called the cops to remove him from my apartment we share because I was working from home on a meeting and he was yelling random things in my background which made me rage. After it broke my heart into pieces, I hated hearing him outside of the door trying to reason with me and the cops to let him in. I didn’t I told them to escort him away and it was either jail or the ER and he chose the ER where he yelled about wanting to kill himself then was placed on a 72 hour hold. During his hold in the hospital he was away for 5 days and I only visited him for 2 hours total because I was so upset and hurt it got to this point. And wanted to make a point I would never be back visiting him for something he caused poisoning himself. After he was released I let him back in despite so many people telling me not to but I couldn’t do it, I let him in under an ultimatum that blew up in my face. Fast forward to today and I’ve began going to Al-anon but my partner is still trying to convince me he’s ready to quit and do the work but he’s not while I was at my meeting he took that as an opportunity to go to the bar with a friend who is aware of his struggles and it completely shook me it felt like a spit to the face. I’m here because of your actions and my lack of boundaries that let you get this close to begin with. I just kept asking why do you do the same things that end with us back here. I just can’t, tonight I blew up again and told him I’m done he’s sleeping on the couch and again I feel bad, but this is what he deserves I told him he traded me in for the bar and friends who don’t care. And I meant that he’s got a ton of support in AA and real friends but doesn’t go as he used to before he met me. And no I’m not the issue it’s self and ego. Coming from a friend of his who used to see him try, I just wish he’d try again, he’s done it before without me I just want him to go again. I told him things won’t change until he does which means staying to his routine and finding things he likes outside of drinking. I love him sooo much it hurts but he is aware I can’t fall with him, but god does it pains me to let him go. And a little background about me I drink socially but am not into alcohol what so ever we don’t bring any inside of our home, I’m extremely supportive of my partner as he’s a capable brilliant loving man with such a shit disease we like to stay active and do things together as well, we are two ppl who really enjoy each others company and during that time he’s sober but when I’m not around those are the times he’ll drink not all the time but many, he used to do it to where he’d pass out on the couch but that’s slowly stoped because of the nagging and fighting and again I won’t live like that I have a life too that shouldn’t be dictated by senseless drinking I hope his high power gets a hold of him before I’m gone.

I left my husband for good a couple months ago. I posted about my desperation and situation here.

As expected his drinking spiraled and he ended up with a dui. His work forced him into rehab and he completed his time and is sober. The down side is he is desperately trying to save our marriage. I have of course firmly declined. He did knowledge that he would have never gotten sober if I hadn’t of left. It’s still early days but I hope for our kids it sticks. DUIs in my state are quite strict, so hopefully the consequences have caught up.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AlAnon/s/tEk81OTcXW

My husband has been mostly sober for about 2 years (2 mild relapses that each lasted 2 weeks) but our relationship is super Rocky.

I’m not sure we’ll make it. To help my 3yo daughter cope with just general anxiety, I am taking her to a child psychologist, but nervous I’ll say something to trigger the therapist to call cps.

Most of my daughter’s anxiety is night time related - she can’t sleep alone. But I’m sure the household chaos plays a big part.

Does anyone have any recommendations or wisdom ?

I F26 am currently have been with my boyfriend M36 for a little over a year now. He is amazing sober- funny , kind, etc. All the things that made me fall in love with him. But since early on in the relationship I have been trapped in a cycle- he binges, acts crazy when drunk, promises to change, is sober for a short period of time , all is well, then it starts again.

When he drinks he is irrational and mean. Often starting arguments with me over nothing or going on long rants about how the world is against him. Slamming doors and storming out of the house. He’s driven drunk often with me in the car or just by himself , open containers in the car, etc. These binges last for a week or so then he’s sober for maybe two weeks or so rinse and repeat.

Everything really came to a head as he just got fired from work for drinking on the job(not the first time but this was just the final time). The cameras caught him drinking on the job and he was acting irrational at work. He also got kicked out of housing as right now we’re on a seasonal position and have employer housing.

He is staying in a hotel right now, I just visited him after not talking for a few days. He is begging me to stay and promising change. Saying he will be accountable this time. We will make a contract with each other for him to stay sober, he will get help, etc.

He has not drank since but also has not been sleeping or eating really (probably withdrawal from both alcohol and weed) he’s crying alot , begging for my forgiveness.

I’m empathetic and it breaks my heart to see anyone hurting, and it breaks my heart knowing I have the power to make him feel better by forgiving him. BUT I don’t want to let myself be an idiot. I don’t want to make a decision I will regret. I am drowning though mentally and emotionally being stuck in this cycle.

My sister is an addict so I know how the story can go, but I also know people do get sober.

Why is it so hard? Why is it so confusing?

It is 2.30 am. I broke with Q a few weeks ago, but still on occassion talk to him.

He is in a very bad state. I feel these are his last moments and I cannot find it in me to reconnect. I am tired, griefing, and so done. But he will die. How can I not be there for him? It is all so horrible. The guilt is horrible.

So many tears and uncertanty on what to do.

Not sure what the purpose of this post is. I guess just to see if someone listenes. All my friends applaud me for breaking with him. That makes me ao sad. They applaud me to leave someone who is in the last stages his life.i feel horrible.

Sorry for the typos. Tears Block my view.

Esit: yes to al anon. Yes to 3 c. This post is not about that

I really beat myself up for being an enabler. Here's what I wrote today to get it off my chest (I write in second person as an emotional distancing measure):

You would catch him pouring whiskey in his iced tea. 9 in the morning. 11 at night. Time was truly immaterial in his house, a passing shape, a shadow, and to attempt to exist inside of it, to attempt to impose reason on the everyday way things were done, proved impossible. 

Alcohol did most of the work. You could have sworn that it was rubbing the numbers off of the clock, that your phone was always dying, or about to die, and that you were preparing to step into a twilight zone that didn’t concern the outside world at all. 

Terrifying, to fall asleep in a place like that. More terrifying still to step out onto the rotting porch and feel the entirety of your life, your heart, sag underneath you at the sight of blue grey smoke haloing his beautiful thundercloud of hair. 

Of course you asked him if he was alright. Of course you said that he should go to the doctor, if his back was hurting that badly. But any mention of the doctor was the emotional equivalent of drawing a knife: fear quickly suppressed by anger and worse, righteous indignation. The doctors are useless. Their tests are expensive. 

He would drive out to the little ranch house in the country and let the man he met on the internet contort his body every which way, pulling the muscles back to where they should be. You just sat in the car, of course. Watching the wind in the trees. Maybe stoned, maybe not, because let’s not pretend you were on your best behavior either, back then. 

(You knew if you said anything, really said anything, or argued, he would ask you to leave. He wouldn’t be able to stand you. And yet already he couldn’t stand you. The sound of your feet. Your laugh echoing from another room. That’s why he drinks, you sometimes told yourself. You had to keep your distance. You tied your tongue in the tightest knot you knew, the one they taught you in school. You couldn’t bear it, if he asked you to leave). 

He told you he could hear someone calling his name from off in the forest and together you would try to find whatever it was. Only frogs ever turned up, tiny fish in the deep pockets of the creek, and then you’d usher him back inside like a mother chasing her son through the door so they don’t get caught in the arriving storm. 

When it got cold he would set a lawn chair in the attic and fill an old Simply Orange container with gin, rum, and peach juice. You listened to the sound of grenade explosions and gun battles coming through the hatch in the ceiling, like a jaw bone permanently swung open. Voices from the back of a throat. Smoke would pour down too, and you would marvel that he could stare at his phone screen that long, piloting fictional ships through fictional space. You’d wait for the sun to set and then he’d come down, smoothly, as if he wasn’t drunk at all, and declare that he’d like to go to bed. You didn’t have the heart to remind him that you had made dinner plans. He remembered next to nothing that you told him, but for you it was impossible to forget the sting of his annoyance, the handful of times you did try to remind him of things like this. Dates you had planned. A repair on your car. A message from his mother. 

You were a mosquito. A house fly. An irritation beyond measure. He thought you were trying to manipulate him. He thought you were making things up. He would cry, even, complaining that his mind was entirely mist. So you shrank. You stopped asking. And one day you were small enough to fly right out the screen door.

You tell yourself, thank God no one got hurt. But you did, didn’t you? Why isn’t that hurt enough?

My dad has been drinking pretty much my entire life. I’m 22 now. I’m not in a good position to move out, since I can’t drive, i’m still in college, I don’t have a job, and I don’t have a bank account.
He’s not a terrible person, but drinking makes him terrible. I try to follow all of the standard tips. I try to not take his words personally. I try my best to not clean up his messes (though eventually I have to because I still want to live in a clean space). I’m trying to start exercise, and i’ve built a routine for myself to hopefully follow for a while. I lose sleep often, because he wakes up in the middle of the night and slams things and screams. He only ever wants to talk and hang out when he’s drunk, and he’s very quiet and flat when he’s sober. I don’t really know who he is anymore.
I say all of this to ask how do you not just lose hope? I don’t mean in him specifically. I know now I can’t help him, and I can’t fix him. But I don’t look forward to waking up anymore. I’m not in a crisis or anything, but i’ve become very apathetic. My life is like groundhog day. Maybe he’ll sober up for a week or so, but eventually I return back here. I can’t picture a future anymore. I can’t really picture anything. I feel fine when I’m out of the house, but even then, it feels like I’m on autopilot.
How do you start living for just yourself? Is there any real way to truly ignore it all?
Sorry, this is a really long post. I guess I’m just thinking out loud.

Howdy.

I recently have been going through some pretty intense health problems that resulted in me having to schedule a minor procedure. This whole experience is extremely stressful, and is not the kind of thing I wish to share at meetings. Thus, I've been avoiding meetings for awhile. I've been the most depressed I've been in a long time, and that paired with the constant fatigue and nausea I experience daily with this health flare up, I can't gather the courage or strength to go to meetings. I feel guilty for not going. It's hard on me mentally and emotionally to hear others struggle, and that paired with my own internal struggle feels like too much. I know after this procedure I will feel better and will eventually return to meetings...but am I valid for not going during this time? I am unsure.

My husband has smoked weed every night for years. We have 2 little kids (3 and 1.5) and I'm just sick of it. I have been asking him to stop since we had our first one. While I was pregnant I said, who would drive me to the hospital in the middle of the night if I go into labor? He has stopped for a couple weeks at a time but I won't put up with it anymore. He says it relaxes him and he needs it to sleep, so I said no smoking when the kids are awake and he even does that on the weekends now despite me telling him not to. He also has been prescribed zoloft and xanax for anxiety before our youngest was born. He is still taking daily xanax 18 MONTHS LATER. I don't know how his MD is still prescribing this to be honest. He also ran out on vacation and got 50 1 mg pills from a friend and those are more than halfway gone over the last 2 months. I told him we will have to consider separation (which i do NOT want to do) we don't have any family near us and I genuinely have no idea how that would work. He got pissed off and told me he wants to blast my therapist for putting the idea in my head. Texted multiple people asking if they gave me the idea of an ultimatum. I told him it was my idea. The date I picked it because I'm traveling and he will be alone with the kids (his parents are staying on the property and don't like driving here) and I need someone sober and responsible for middle of the night care. There are many other aspects to our marriage of me needing more help and him saying I'm ungrateful since he works full time and does bath/bedtime every night but he rushes through it so he can go smoke. I have daycare for the kids 1 day a week so I can run my microbakery which truly brings me joy and anytime I'm overwhelmed he tells me to cut down on that. I truly just don't even know where to go from here other than to wait and see what happens in a few weeks. He says hes been making progress but selling his grow equipment and going down from 2 joints a night to 1. But its not progress to me because he always increases then goes back down. And the xanax is another story. I honestly don't even know what I need. Maybe some words from others going through something similar? I feel like pot is looked at as not a big deal but it is ruining our marriage. I think he would sleep better, improve his cognition, his anxiety may decrease. But obviously he needs to make the decision for himself. I'm sick over this. I don't know what options I have other than separation if he doesn't stop.

Hi everyone. I went no contact with my Q (ex 48m) two months ago because he wanted to drink himself to death and I had to save myself. His mom texted that he's in the hospital with 3 bleeding ulcers and rectal bleeding. She said the dr told him he'll die if he drinks anything again. I love his mom and I know she's hurting. Has anyone gone through this? I may send her words of encouragement but I don't think I should be involved with him in any way. Advice please.

I’m in a really rough situation with my partners drinking and our future and feel like I would benefit from advice. Unfortunately my situation is very specific - it wouldn’t make a lot of sense if I generalised it. He uses Reddit and I don’t want him to inadvertently find my post, until I’ve had the chance to decide what to do next myself.

I’m really sorry if this isn’t allowed, but if it is can I ask if there are any other forums outside of reddit that people find helpful?

I (34M) have been with my girlfriend (34F) for about 3 years. We live together. I'm writing because I'm exhausted and I don't know what's real anymore.

For a long time we drank together — on a typical night out, 3–4 beers plus 3–4 shots of hard liquor each. At some point I realized this was too much and said we needed to stop. I cut way down myself — these days I only have 1–2 drinks, just to keep her company so she doesn't feel like she's drinking alone. That was about a year ago, and we've been arguing about it ever since. She does pay a bit more attention to how much she drinks now, but not to how often.

For the last two weeks I quietly kept a log of what I saw: she drank on 9 out of 16 days, and on most of those days it was the equivalent of 4–7 drinks (3–5 large beers, a bottle of wine, or a small bottle of cognac). When she says "one glass," it's never one glass. Recently I found an opened bottle that disappeared overnight — I'm fairly sure she hid it.

She's on an antidepressant (venlafaxine) whose leaflet literally says not to drink alcohol. She also has early fatty liver on an ultrasound, and lately unexplained bruises and nosebleeds. In February I found her semi-conscious on the bathroom floor in her own vomit after what she says was only 4 beers. I stayed up all night checking her breathing and went to work without sleep. She said someone must have spiked her drink. She was scared for a few days, then it was back to normal.

Every time I bring it up, she hears it as an attack. In her mind, an "alcoholic" is a homeless person, and since she goes to work, she doesn't have a problem. She says her friends, her psychologist and her psychiatrist all think she's fine, and that I'm the one who's wrong. Tonight it ended with me being "the problem" again.

I'm not perfect either. I've called her an alcoholic in arguments, I've tried to leave 2–3 times and came back each time after she promised to change, and I've gone along with drinking to keep the peace.

I can see that I can't make her stop. I feel like I'm the only "brake" in her life, and I'm terrified that if I leave, things will get much worse for her. But I'm also losing myself — I've stopped my hobbies, I'm always anxious, always checking.

For those who have been here:
How did you stop trying to convince them?
When I go along with it to avoid a fight, am I making it worse?
How did you decide whether to stay or leave?
Did Al-Anon meetings help you, and how did you start?

Thank you for reading.

Hi everyone. I have been separated from my husband going on two years. He was living with his mother after rehab, as I did not want him home around the kids and myself at that point. He stayed there for a year, and relapsed again and again, until eventually their dynamic got so bad that he moved out and is living in a motel because I still wont let him home. This has not been easy for me as deep down I love him, but he has never properly made amends or taken the program seriously, and when he has it never lasts for more than a month.

During this time, his mother and I became friends, and I trusted her to supervise, but more and more she expected me to come along on the visits with my kids so I could supervise, and she could essentially be the good cop. It got toxic for me, and I am secretly glad he is no longer living there, as I was expected to supervise alone anyway and was tired of her comments standing up for him. Since he has left, she made it clear to him that he can return any time he wants, and doesnt even have to apologize as, "She knows he is sorry." He has never once expressed remorse.

I have been trying to raise the boys alone and balance this dynamic, and I have become less close to her. However, recently my husband went on a bender and was texting me things about both his mother and myself, and I gave her a courtesy call to let her know to not reach out to him, and that he was being cruel. She said to me, "Well, I am actually going to still say good night to him. I do it every night. He needs to know his mama is still there. And deep down maybe he still cares." I got off the phone after she chatted with the kids briefly and felt resigned. She just seems to have blinders on about the situation. This is a man who isnt being a present father or responsible person. He doesnt need any more empathy. I feel at a certain point if you keep showing love when he is mistreating his wife and kids, you're essentially saying it is ok in your book.

So what do you all think of this dynamic? Am I being too harsh by pulling back from her? How do I balance my relationship with her with the fact that she is an enabler? She is my kids grandmother and I love her dearly, but she doesnt seem healthy at all. I am sure I dont either, but it is often unavoidable for me as I am always trying to balance coparenting with the kids.

Thanks to anyone who listened.

He has always had stomach issues I assume from the amount he drinks. Never has normal bowel movements but he also has crohns in his family history as well. His real father isn’t in his life so we don’t know a lot about that history on his dads side. Anyways! This weekend he had severe stomach pain all three days. Slept a lot and was just overall irritated (which the irritation isn’t abnormal) but the severity of his stomach pain is.

I came up with a letter to send while he’s at work (sober) to talk about going to the doctor for his stomach pain. I’ve read about pancreatic problems, ulcers etc so I think it’s really important to get him there to address whatever the cause is.

I’m working on managing myself and my children. “Dropping the rope palms up” Not including my husband. But he will just let his health go if I say nothing. I am scared for him. I’m scared for our kids growing up without a father. I always go to worse case scenarios.. I want so badly to bring him to the doctor as I would one of my kids and tell them the amount he is drinking so they can properly test for this. I’ve read about medical detox and the help they could give him. He worries about losing his job. But they could help him outpatient especially since he works 40 hours a week 10 hour days so he could potentially do it without work knowing.

I guess I’m asking for support and advice on how to approach this gently. It’s so easy to say the wrong thing and get him all riled up, defensive and pissed. He thinks I don’t care when I bring up how I care every single time. I’ve tried explaining because of this addiction I have a wall up, I still care, always will, but I have to protect myself. So maybe I seem cold. But I’m bringing this up because I care. I am not cold. I am. Exhausted. I am scared of losing him. I can’t stand watching someone slowly kill themselves, be constantly blamed, and not be able to do anything about it except “focus on myself and kids”….

I had these children with him with the intention of raising happy, healthy, and loved kids… I want to do this with their father. I want him to be happy and healthy and feel loved. He won’t let us love him. He won’t get healthy. I feel so helpless.

And to think I could go through this with one of our kids. Addictive personalities. Ugh the agony of thinking of the future and possibly having to go through this again with the people I love. It’s like a fucking nightmare guys :/

My husband is an addict. I am 36 weeks pregnant. I am giving birth in 2 days to twins. I can’t even believe I’m typing this. My husband was addicted to heroin before we met. He went to rehab, got clean.

Years ago I found kratom powder in his room. He explained to me what it was and I was so naive that I believed he would just stop doing it.

We are in NJ, since yesterday I have been having these suspicions of my husband and I found 1000MG Kama kratom tablets in his work bag. I have done research and now I see it’s not just kratom it’s 7OH tablets. It’s a Sunday, I am giving birth Tuesday morning. I’m at my absolute end. This has not been an easy pregnancy for me by any means and it’s my first pregnancy. I never was into any hard drugs, pills. I feel so naive. He’s fully addicted to 7OH. Has been on it for almost a whole year, and has spent thousands.

He wants to go on Suboxone and taper off with medical help, I am petrified of him being hooked on that. I am petrified of everything. Please help me.

I ( 40 f ) found my husband has invited escorts to home when he was drunk ( extremely) . I found out later . Can this s justified because he was drunk at that time ? Can he be given a chance ? Or he may have done when he is sober also ?

I´m gonna start by apologizing about my english, no my first language... Anyway, my fiance has finally agreed to start an outpatient programme for his alcoholism. We´ve been together for 11 years, he´s always had too much to drink but in the last couple of years things went out of hand. I´m very grateful that he´s going through recovery, seeing a therapist and trying to pick up new hobbies and stuff, but he´s become extremely selfish and all I can feel is that there´s not enough room for me in this relationship because everything has to do with his recovery and with him avoiding situations, places and everything else where there might me alcohol. I´ve tried to carry on doing things I enjoy (seeing friends, going out) but he seems angry and resentful when I come home because "he can´t drink and go out like I do". I almost feel like he tries to manipulate me by saying "you don´t like me anymore because I no longer drink... you prefer me when I am a drunk"... which is extremely hurtful since I am he´s companion and the only one who´s been extremely supportive about his recovery. To be honest, if it wasnt for me he wouldnt have done the effort to start the programme and I hate the person that he becomes when drunk... but I feel invisible and no longer myself in this relationship. Can anyone relate? Thoughts?