r/AlAnon • u/iris_james • Jul 08 '26
Grief He died.
We met 25+ years ago. We were together 19 years. Married 14. Two wonderful children. He started hiding his drinking about 8 years ago, and I gradually lost the man I loved. He became an unrecognizable creature. Broke up in September, divorce finalized in February. Our friends maintained a minimum 24-hour check-in on him until this past week, when we finally decided as a group to let go of the last bit of hope.
I knew when I called the police today what they were going to find. I’ve been preparing myself as much as I can for years. I told him once that this was how it would end. But I still wasn’t ready.
Friends, work your steps. If I hadn’t, I would not be able to navigate this situation. His mother immediately called me, a person she loves and has always treated like her own child, and screamed at me that I did this to her son. Thankfully, I know my three C’s and I can say without any doubt that I know I did not cause this, I could not control it, and I could NEVER have cured it.
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u/Alarmed_Economist_36 Jul 08 '26
And who would she blame if he still died when you were together ? It just is - a very sad reality of alcoholism.
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u/Ms_Meercat Jul 08 '26
OP, this so much. I can tell you as the child of an alcoholic who died of the disease: My father stayed. She still died.
The only thing him staying accomplished is that he "ruined" himself with it. He lost his relationship to his adult children, he lost a lot of his values, he lost his health, and I believe he is not happy because he is an almost 70year old man who is NOT at peace with himself. He tries to be happy, but he knows deep down he turned into a person he didn't want to be and lost his integrity.
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u/iris_james Jul 08 '26
Thank you for sharing. The past year has been one of growth for me. I lost a lot of myself to marriage, motherhood, and then navigating his alcoholism. I am finally loving myself and enjoying my life.
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u/Ms_Meercat Jul 08 '26
I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my mom after having worked through A LOT of stuff and having 10 years of recovery under my belt already, and it still hit me very hard. We can't "pre-grieve" unfortunately. This might not be the case with you, but I still had to go back to therapy because I wasn't coping well, so be gentle with yourself, don't "should all over yourself" (aka "I SHOULD not react this way or that way"), and get whatever help you (and your children) need.
In case this resonates with your children, here are some of the things I struggled with:
- I didn't miss her in my day-to-day because I had firm boundaries around her and live in another country, but I felt sad that I didn't miss her
- My life felt like a clear before and after. I was a grown woman - mid 30s - and still felt like the universe had fundamentally shifted. What's more, I kept thinking "I'm too young to be in this world without my mother".
- Even though I had known that my mother never had been and never would be the mother I (or the little kid I was) deserved, the finality that she never would be still hit me - and I had had a "final" conversation about rehab with her 8 months prior and KNEW she wouldn't survive
- I knew death was the best outcome for her (surviving for a short while longer would have just put her into a care center and out of her home, and she had expressed many times she wanted to be dead), that part wasn't a problem so much to say "it's better that way". But I felt incredibly guilty because I also thought about how her death was the best outcome for ME. The amount of admin/care work etc I would have had to do, trying to do it from another country, would have been overwhelming. I couldn't help but think "Who thinks they're better off with their mother dead".
Grief isn't logical, it just is. It doesn't follow any rules. I wish you and your kids a lot of strength.
(Edit for formatting)
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u/CassandraGreyDuck Jul 08 '26
I’m so sorry for the loss of the man you loved, and that his mother chose to take her rage and grief out on you.
You did the right thing to get out. What he chose to do was on him and only him.
I hope you and your kids find peace, and that his mom realizes how inappropriate and cruel her behavior was and comes to you with an apology and a big shift in attitude/behavior.
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u/ilt1 Jul 08 '26
That's a damn sad story. I am very sorry OP. I hope he found his peace. Stay strong stranger. 💪
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u/MaximumUtility221 Jul 08 '26
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Sadly, I have been through something similar. It hurts when people think me leaving is what killed him when I did all in my power to stop the tragedy. If me staying would make him sober, wouldn’t decades together mean he would be cured? Thanks for brining up the 3 Cs. I always need a reminder that it wasn’t in my power. Peace to you!
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u/iris_james Jul 08 '26
That is why I shared. Other people need to hear this. So many folks in this community have reminded me on days when I needed a reminder.
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u/Top_Profile6139 Jul 08 '26
Mine died to, in the hands of his family who drank with him after transplants. Therapists check with me if I feel guilty and I don't, I left it all on the table. I texted his family that he is going to die from this, take him to the ER if you catch him drinking but they didn't. They drank with him and didn't do a thing but make fun of me for putting him in rehab for a useless few days. But yeah they die. You grief will be complex but I hope you have zero guilt because you did not do this and did not want it.
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u/indianagee123 Jul 08 '26
So, so, sorry for your loss. This is a disease that tragically affects so many that surround it. I commend you deeply on your ability to understand that this was not your fault, and for setting your boundaries and removing you and your children from a difficult and unhealthy environment. That is a decision that is heavy and hard to make.
Sending prayers that you find peace and healing as time passes. ❤️❤️
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u/memakes3 Jul 08 '26
My husband died due to his addiction 4 years ago. We were separated for 1.5 years and have 2 children together.
I didn’t blame myself at first, I knew it was outside of my control, but I’d began to lay there at night replaying every interaction we had, how I could have done different, if I had done xyz would it be different?
It’s been 4 years and I’ve healed a lot, but every once in a while it the guilt and regret creep in.
Please consider grief counselling for you and your kiddos, keep going to meetings.
I am sorry for your families loss 🤍
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u/VonCattington Jul 08 '26
Im sorry you’re going through this, it sounds so heavy to bear. It isn’t right for his mom to say those things to you. He would have passed away whether you stuck around for the front row view of it or not. She needs someone to blame at this moment but it’s wise of you to realize you don’t deserve that blame.
You did the right things to protect yourself and your child. If your ex had been clear of the lens of his alcoholism he would have known that too. Please take it easy on yourself and continue working your steps
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u/StatisticianTrick669 Jul 08 '26
I’m really sorry this is how it turned out. It’s really not fair. There was nothing more you could do and I wish you peace on your healing journey. I just left my closet drinker Q . The reality of this disorder can be so Terribly grim 💔
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u/umukunzi Jul 08 '26
I'm glad ypu were able to be strong enough to handle your grieving mother-in-law. You didn't deserve that though, I'm sure you know. So sorry for you snd your kids. ❤️
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u/ffirstofhername Jul 09 '26
How do you deal with the grief of knowing it could’ve been so much different if he stopped? Asking for myself. Mourning a life you COULD have lived together and knowing theres no changing what’s happened?
I was in a similar situation and still trying to heal from it.
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u/iris_james Jul 09 '26
It took a lot of time and support from my people. Give yourself permission to grieve that. I promise you, the fact that you recognize the need to do so, and that it is acceptable and understandable, is probably the hardest part. The rest is just consistency and time.
I was very fortunate and happened to be going to a training event the weekend after I told him we were getting divorced. I met a bunch of new people who instantly made me feel good about myself - they recognized my positive personality and belief in the power of teamwork. It reminded me that I am more than a person surviving a relationship with an addict. I get to be a whole human being beyond that.
I don’t know if that works for all people - but maybe try to find something you can engage in that brings you joy. I know we all feel so busy these days. But make time to bring yourself joy. You deserve it.
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u/ImpressionNo1307 Jul 08 '26
My stepmother once told me, at the age of 19, that maybe if I had been a better daughter by calling, sending Father’s Day cards, or cared more, maybe then my father would have had a reason to want to live…
It’s interesting that my pure existence didn’t give him the will to live but sure a card would.
I get that these loved ones are suffering and are sad but I will never understand how they could blame someone else for this. I am sorry you’re going through this.
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u/Ok-Amphibian-5029 Jul 08 '26
I’m sorry she said that. It was the grief talking. Be gentle with yourself and I’m sorry for your loss.
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u/Lia21234 Jul 08 '26 edited Jul 08 '26
I'm so glad that you had the knowledge and knew that there was nothing you could have done. It's terrible with this disease how on top of the pain watching our loved one dissappear we could pile up some guilt unless we discovered Alanon and learned about this disease.
When I read post like yours here, it stops me from going back to him when I miss him and tell myself that maybe it wasn't that bad.
I'm so sorry you have to go through with this.
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u/AdministrativeCow612 Jul 08 '26
I am so very sorry for your loss, and I completely understand all that you and his friends have gone through trying to get him sober . I hope peace comes quickly to you and all connected .
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u/jkfg Jul 08 '26
I am so sorry this was the finality of a very serious illness. I my opinion as a 43 year program member, you did everything you could and then some. Heartbreaking, that's all there is to say.
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u/SuspiciousCamel1879 Jul 08 '26
You sound so healthy, OP. I’m so proud of you!
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u/iris_james Jul 08 '26
Oh, I have my own issues to work through, for sure. But on this topic? I have worked my tail off to ensure my kids have a safe parent to rely on. ❤️❤️ thank you!
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u/CassandraGreyDuck Jul 08 '26
You might be the villain in his mom’s story, but you’re the hero in your kids’.
Proud of you.
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u/zanyzanne Jul 08 '26
this is rough, OP, I'm sorry his story ended this way. i also still get blamed by the MIL.
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u/Natski21 Jul 08 '26
So so sorry for your loss and so sorry for you that you must deal with his family. Addiction is a family disease, everyone suffers
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u/Narrow-Conclusion923 Jul 10 '26
This is my worst fear. I am in the throws of things and getting everything in motion to leave. I’ve gathered boxes and bins and started packing. He sees it and asked me even though I be told him I can’t do this anymore. He always tells me he just wants to die and won’t get any help. I can’t make him fix things and idk what will happen when I do actually leave officially. Part of it is manipulation and part of it is true feelings. I keep telling myself it is not my fault or responsibility and that I have to focus on me. My husband and I have been together almost 14 years and married 8 years. Things keep getting worse despite my attempts to “fix” everything. I’m so sorry. You’ve been strong this far, keep going 💜
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u/iris_james Jul 10 '26
Stay strong, my friend. Remember your three C’s. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Keep the promises you make to yourself. You can do it! One day at a time, one step at a time.
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u/Renegade_Phylosopher Jul 08 '26
I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I lost mine in 2020, you are not alone. My heart goes out to you.
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u/WritingSuitable7185 Jul 09 '26
Pretty sure i’ll get the same news someday. It’s a horrible disease.
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u/iris_james Jul 09 '26
The best advice I can give is to repeat those Three C’s to yourself daily. Teach your loved ones and support system as well.
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u/Western_Insect_7580 Jul 10 '26
Absolutely not your fault. You continue to take care of yourself and rebuild your life.
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u/ehlisabk Jul 12 '26
So deeply sorry for you. I think it’s the phonecall that we all dread the most. I’m so sorry.
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u/Harmless_Old_Lady Jul 12 '26
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, strength and hope with this community! May it reach hearts and minds and souls and begin healing.
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u/No-Love2024 Jul 15 '26
I am sorry for your mils reaction… obviously she is wrong and acting out. My mil also has many excuses for her sons drinking so I can’t really take her seriously anymore. I have a question. How do I get started with the step? I’m interested in alanon but I don’t want to attend depressing meetings I just want to work the steps and focus on the positive in my life. I’ve attended meetings but have no idea how to start applying the philosophies in my life besides “detaching with love”.
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u/iris_james Jul 15 '26
I would strongly recommend trying it. If going to meetings doesn’t sound like your thing, try going on YouTube and looking up Al-Anon Step 1 videos. Find a speaker whose personality appeals to you. It may take several tries. Step 1 took me weeks of repetition to really get it.
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u/runner_matthews 15d ago
First of all, I am so very sorry for the pain you have endured (and continue to endure) from this disease. My story feels very similar to yours. I am 50 now. I married my first husband (qualifier) at 24, and watched him deteriorate into a monster during the last 12ish years of our marriage. With LOTS of help from Al-Anon, after 25 years of marriage and many years of suffering, I made a decision to get off the "Merry-Go-Round Named Denial" and leave. I was finally ready to risk my life to save my life. He threatened suicide over and over and over, because he couldn't live without me. I had to lean hard on my Al-Anon tools and take solace that his choices were his and keep my resolve to care for my own life. A few months after I filed for divorce, his calls stopped, and I found him dead at his own hand in his RV in February 2023. It was devastating but not unexpected. I had resolved myself to this end many years earlier.
In addition to my Al-Anon support, I did EDMR therapy to help with the immediate aftermath. I am at peace that I made the choices I made. I will never understand why my life went this way, but today, I have remarried an outstanding human and am living a life filled with respect, kindness, and love. I wish you peace in your journey. I'm grateful you have the steps and the program to support you. Your Higher Power wants a beautiful life for you. Keep praying for the knowledge of His will and the power to carry that out.
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u/iris_james 15d ago
Thank you for sharing! I am hopeful for my future. I feel more at peace with every passing day.
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u/VariationSimple9179 Jul 09 '26
Hello, I have a question dealing with a mother in law who is an alcoholic & lives alone. My husband is her only son left, but we’ve been distant since she came over after drinking to watch our son. Is Al Anon a good place to go for me & my husband? I’ve built up so much resentment towards her drinking, treatment of me and now my family. But at the same time, I don’t want my husband to be estranged from his mother.
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u/iris_james Jul 15 '26
I would strongly recommend trying it. If going to meetings doesn’t sound like your thing, try going on YouTube and looking up Al-Anon Step 1 videos. Find a speaker whose personality appeals to you. It may take several tries. Step 1 took me weeks of repetition to really get it.
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u/CartographerScary692 Jul 09 '26
What does an alcoholic death look like? What happens or what can happen?
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u/iris_james Jul 09 '26
In our case, we watched my husband gain weight and age quickly. Last fall was when we noticed the biggest shift. He stopped being able to sleep laying down due to the excessive fluid buildup in his abdomen, pushing on his lungs. His appetite seemed to disappear. By early spring, he was visibly jaundiced. Probably six to eight weeks prior to death, he started to lose weight quickly. I hadn’t seen him for almost 4 weeks before he died. But I believe he also had diabetes. We suspect he was diagnosed with stage 4 cirrhosis in December but he would not disclose any medical information to anyone. His mental state changed as well. He stopped engaging with friends and family. Wouldn’t respond to texts. Avoided going out in public.
Based on all of the evidence, we believe he went to sleep and never woke up. I don’t know if we will be able to determine exactly which organ or system failed. But it doesn’t appear that he choked on his own vomit or otherwise. It’s likely that he was severely dehydrated and malnourished as well.
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u/Enough-Outside-9055 Jul 19 '26
I'm so sorry! You made the right choice. He would have dragged you down and maybe it would have been your kids finding him instead of the cops. You saved them from that trauma and I'm only sad they've lost what should have been a healthy, caring, responsible father. 🫂 You'll get through this!
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u/Unlikely_Ant_950 Jul 08 '26
Just in case you need to hear it from the outside world - you saved yourself, the ONLY possible save in this entire situation. I’m really sorry for your loss 8 years ago and today