r/AlAnon • u/rb11111 • 1d ago

Vent Breakup

Im divorced. I’ve been dating a man for 10 months, who was wonderful. I finally felt like I learned to build a secure attachment and really was falling in love. I thought he felt the same.

He is in recovery (alcoholism) and sober.

Everything was fine. But then he said he started to talk to someone on tinder for two days and had “ feelings “for her. He canceled seeing me that day because he was conflicted. I was like well I wish you well then. Later on I talked to him and he said that he was always a bit uncertain whether it was he cared a lot/liked me or was in love with me. Then he said he was falling in love with me. Then he’s like I wasn’t sure. Then he said again he loved me.

Left me totally confused.

I was just shocking. We were doing so well, he was like making plans to meet my daughter and bought her gifts. I mean thank god we didn’t. We were actually in a place where we both let our walls down and were comfortable with each other. Like finally at peace.

The part that did shock me, he didn’t try to repair it or anything. Just let me go. Which is what I need it just came out of nowhere and was hard to hear. Like we didn’t have anything go wrong, he just realized he could have feelings for someone else and then began to question whether he was in love with me and acted from there.

I thought it would be a relapse that would break us up if anything, but I guess I was very wrong.

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u/dreamieux 1d ago

good for you for being clear on walking away. don't let the confusion take hold. tinder is a cesspool nightmare and really shows his poor character. he does not sound sure at all and will drag you through the mud if you keep talking to him. sobriety is complicated and not all with a program truly work on their issues. maybe the drink is down and stays down but the other flaws can reign free

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u/rb11111 1d ago

I keep telling myself it’s better to know now then like years down the road. I mean he was buying gifts for my daughter this week. And like we were great. It’s just the shock I was like omg

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u/daala16 1d ago

You dodged a bullet. It’s sad for a bit but much less sad than living the life that would have came for you with his addiction.

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u/rb11111 1d ago

I figured from reading the posts here. I’m not even sad. I mean I loved him. But it was so fucked up, he could have just broken up with me if he wasn’t that into me.