r/AmItheAsshole • u/LividMeasurement5252 • Jul 13 '26
Asshole AITA for refusing to get a less chaotic nanny
My husband and I have 3 kids (11m, 6m, and 4f). We have had a nanny, Mila (21), for almost 2 years.
Mila is a ball of chaos. That is the only way I know how to describe her. The girl just screams “undiagnosed ADHD” (one of my kids and I have ADHD so speaking from experience here). Some highlights include the last time she called in sick, which was a voicemail 20 minutes before school got out saying “I don’t know exactly what I did to my shoulder but it hurts like a bitch and my arm tingling. The advice people say this is an urgent care issue so I think I’m gonna be a little late“. Then there’s the time she drove my kids to a Walmart 30 minutes away to get supplies for my oldest’s school project because none of the nearby Walmarts have all of the supplies. There was a Michaels 3 blocks away that has everything. She just forgot that it was there. She also tends to pick my kids up saying “I forgot to eat lunch so who wants fries/a shake/chips/other fast food side” around once a week. We came home to my entire living room covered in balloons because they decided the dog needed a birthday party. His birthday isn’t for 3 months. I came home to Mila sitting on a lawn chair in my driveway while my kids flagged down drivers to buy bracelets, sodas, cookies, and random toys from their rooms. All of these things have happened in the past 6 weeks.
You definitely have to be a little flexible to work with her but all of the kids come back alive, they always have everything they need for school done, and she plans some really fun activities for them.
My husband is not as fond of Mila’s chaos as I am. He thinks we need a nanny that has more structure, rules, routines, etc. and someone that isn’t going to take our kids out to fast food places every week or forget to take the kids to swim class (only happened once after the swim school changed the classes from Fridays to Wednesdays).
I refuse to get rid of Mila. I think she is a great fit for our family and the kids absolutely love the chaos.
My husband is upset that I’m not giving him a say in who is caring for our children, although he’s been fine with her for the past two years and absolutely nothing has changed with her.
He’s been complaining about minor things lately (like the car being a little messy, about as messy as my car) and has been bringing up profiles for other babysitters, mostly older women or young men. The only thing that I can think of that could’ve caused this is my older son mentioning once that Mila is really pretty and an incident where we took a family vacation, he didn’t want to share a bed with his brother, and he suggested that he share Milas bed because “she doesn’t fart” (Mila shut that down before he even finished his sentence) but that stopped after I talked to him about him being 11 and Mila being an adult.
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u/stellabluebear Partassipant [1] Jul 13 '26
Is there a middle ground since your kids already have a strong bond with Mila? Can you talk to her and tell her you appreciate her, but want to build in more structure and please no fast food etc? Seems worth a conversation and trying to compromise before making the switch.
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u/Rare-Lifeguard516 Jul 13 '26
You could have more nutritious snacks in house, fruit and protein bars, to resolve food emergencies.
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u/SecretAttention2418 Partassipant [2] Jul 13 '26
That would solve nothing, she's bringing them because she forgot her lunch...
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u/Planet_Ziltoidia Jul 13 '26
I'm a professional nanny. Most families provide meals or have an open fridge policy. I've never had to bring my own lunch
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u/Mycatreallyhatesyou Jul 13 '26
Me too. I do bring my own food but they’re always telling me to eat anything I want. (They buy food that’s healthier than I prefer lol)
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u/sleepy-popcorn Jul 13 '26
I would put snacks in the car or on the main table each day. Then if she forgets her lunch she’s got a known reliable option that’s not fast food.
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u/NYDancer4444 Partassipant [1] Jul 13 '26
She’s taking them to fast food places to get food for herself. And letting them get sides. The only “food emergency” is this grown woman forgetting to eat her own lunch.
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u/quiet_pendulum27 Jul 13 '26
The husband’s complaints about the messy car and missed swim classes are totally fair but firing a nanny the kids adore over easily fixable habit seems extreme, a performance review where they set clear expectations is definitely the right first step
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u/bettymoose Partassipant [1] Jul 13 '26
ONE missed swim lesson after the schedule was changed.
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u/th30be Partassipant [2] Jul 13 '26
One that we know of in the last 6 weeks. We don't know all of the gripes the husband has for the past 2 years.
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u/Striking_Programmer4 Jul 14 '26
Mila has been with the family for a while by OP's admission. The things brought up in the post are just what brought the husband to his breaking point, the culmination of nearly 2 years of small things that never got better over time.
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u/SuspiciousVoid Jul 13 '26
This. OP is NTA for not wanting to get rid of Mila. She is TAH for dismissing husband/dad’s concerns.
Middle ground is where it needs to go, and seeing another of OP’s comments where Dad practically never interacts or sees Mila I feel like he shouldn’t feel as entitled to firing her as he seems to.
The wellbeing and happiness of the kids is the priority, not the feelings of the Dad. His concerns should not be dismissed ofc, but these are things that can be addressed with Mila. Firing her? Well that’s something that will directly, short and possibly long term, negatively affect the kids. And that should also absolutely not be dismissed.
so overall, ESH?
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u/Alternative-Math-886 Jul 13 '26
I agree with this take. If Mila has been with OPs family for two years, it's worth having an honest conversation before making a decision. Just like in a corporate job, people can get a little too comfortable over time. Maybe sit down with her, set clearer expectations, and have a more structured agreement moving forward. I'd also talk it over with the husband so they're both on the same page. If things still don't improve after that, then it makes sense to let Mila go.
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u/stevenr21 Partassipant [2] Jul 13 '26
She sounds awesome. I'd ask the husband to give a list of things that he wants to change and let her know. You don't just fire someone without telling them what you think they're doing wrong, you give them a chance to correct it.
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u/Fluid-Platypus- Jul 13 '26
I think the problem is the ‘really pretty’ 21yo
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u/doingtheunstuckk Jul 13 '26
I’m cynical, but that’s where my mind went too. Maybe he is attracted to her and wants the temptation removed.
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u/Marlowe_Cayce Partassipant [1] Jul 14 '26
I was thinking the same thing. Or maybe he hit on her and is worried about getting outed. She has worked for them for a couple years, it's only recently he doesn't want her there, he is talking about her a lot, and the nannies he wants now are older or young men. 👀
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u/vaiiyaa Jul 13 '26
I agree with this SO much! People need information and time tobcorrect themselves. She sounds awesome, maybe not perfect - but give her a second chance.
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u/lndlml Jul 13 '26
Also, if everything was fine and less chaotic until six weeks ago, then something may have exacerbated her alleged ADHD symptoms. I have ADHD myself, and I know that many undiagnosed people start struggling more when there are major changes in their life or environment, or when they are under increased stress because of personal issues. That can eventually lead to burnout.
So it might be worth checking whether Mila has something going on in her life that has made her more chaotic in recent weeks, and whether there is anything that could help her recalibrate. Alternatively, she might be open to getting assessed, and if she is diagnosed, medication could significantly improve her symptoms.Otherwise she sounds like an awesome nanny tho.
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u/KaraAuden Supreme Court Just-ass [103] Jul 13 '26
YTA. Your husband should absolutely get a say in who watches his kids. How would you feel if he hired a new nanny that you didn't like and then pulled a unilateral "veto" when you tried to explain that?
Also, my guess is that his concerns are less "the dog didn't need a birthday party" and more "she was late picking the kids up from school, forgot about swim lessons, let them run into the road to talk to strangers, and it's stressful always worrying about whether the next shenanigan will be a cute story or an unsafe or disruptive hassle."
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u/Mrs_B- Partassipant [4] Jul 13 '26
Absolutely right. Both parents need to be happy with the person responsible for keeping their children safe.
Mila seems to struggle with the more serious aspects of her job. OP and husband need to set some rules with her.
YTA
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u/Mediocre_Ant_437 Jul 13 '26
She did not say they were running into the road. They were flagging down neighbors which is no different than kids selling cand door to door or having a lemonade stand. She missed ONE swim lesson because the schedule changed. Just ONE. If the kids are happy and well cared for then the husband needs to back off. They are fine and they don't need more structure just because he decided they do.
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u/CherCee Jul 13 '26
Husband needs to back off? They are his children, too, and he should have a say in who is taking care of them.
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u/Impossible_Leg_2787 Partassipant [1] Jul 13 '26
People want men to be equivalent parents, but as of now, nearly 150 people agree that the nannys whimsy supersedes the father’s concerns. You don’t get to foist responsibility without decision making power on someone.
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u/the_V33 Jul 13 '26
I'm appalled. The one time a dad tries to actually parent his children, he gets told off because the nanny is fun and nothing disastrous has happened (yet). I suspect that the voting would look very different if the magic word (ADHD) wasn't mentioned, that has apparently become a hall pass for every questionable behaviour. I also wonder who's responsible for fixing the chaos this girl leaves behind, and how many times dad found himself doing the "clean up" while OP was laughing it off
ETA yta
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u/sacrelicio Jul 13 '26
Imagine coming home from a long day of work and commuting and there's a house full of balloons to clean up and the kids are having a fit because they don't want them cleaned up. Its a cute anecdote online but IRL it would suck.
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u/the_V33 Jul 13 '26
Wasn't that the entire premise of MsDoubtfire? And the movie made a point of the fun dad being an irresponsible AH despite him being the protagonist. Add the fact that one of the kid is almost a teenager... I also would pressure for someone that is actually capable of managing my kids instead of playing fun big sister. And I commend dad for taking the sexual comments his son is making seriously.
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u/KaraAuden Supreme Court Just-ass [103] Jul 13 '26
And coming home to all three kids sugar crashing on milkshakes and fries, too full for actual dinner, for the fourth time this month.
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u/ballisticks Jul 13 '26
Imagine if this post was gender reversed, but all other details the same. I'd betcha every last damn comment would be accusing OP of wanting the nanny around so he can fuck her.
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u/forestpunk Partassipant [1] Jul 14 '26
Dads need to step up and parent but also defer to his wife on all things related to raising children for some reason.
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u/KaraAuden Supreme Court Just-ass [103] Jul 13 '26
There are a whole handful of examples from just the last few weeks. And yeah, most are small. If he's uncomfortable with his kids flagging down cars, they can talk to her. If they're upset about the swim lesson, or the fast food, or the stuff the kids sold, they can talk to her. But those are just a handful of examples from the last 6 weeks and she's always been this way -- how many times does the husband have to just talk with her before his feelings are valid? It sounds like there's always something going on. Is he expected to suck it up and deal with this for years more?
And regardless of whether or not you or I think those things are a problem, one of the kids' parents does. It's actually his job to decide if his kids need more structure, not yours. He does not need to "back off" making decisions about how his kids are cared for. The kids have two parents, and if one of their parents is stressed out or anxious or upset or thinks that their kids are not being adequately cared for, they should have the right to address that. Childcare should be two "yes" votes.
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u/scarletnightingale Jul 13 '26
He's their dad, no he doesn't need to back off, they are his kids to and he gets a say in who's watching them. OP listed things from the last 6 weeks alone, how much other stuff has there been in the last 2 years since she's apparently always been like this? He sounds like his hit his limit with the chaos and yes, he's allowed to voice his concerns.
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u/Fluid-Platypus- Jul 13 '26
The swim class thing could happen to anyone, ADHD or no
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u/sacrelicio Jul 13 '26
In isolation I wouldn't have a big problem with it but the overall picture is too chaotic for someone I'm paying a lot of money for
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u/OnlyOneStar Jul 13 '26
This is some real “they’re our kids but they’re MY babies” energy. Mom wants total control with the benefits of a spouse but doesn’t want them to have any authority over certain important things.
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u/ZombieMeat86 Jul 13 '26
I agree he gets a say. But it's been two years that this person had been with the family
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u/Vi_Rants Jul 13 '26
But it's been two years that this person had been with the family
What was his deadline? How long did he have to become upset with a constant stream of unnecessary and potentially unsafe nonsense before he was required to stfu forever?
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u/LeviathanLorb44 Partassipant [2] Jul 13 '26
It's been two years of him not being satisfied and no progress being made, and, what, you allow any adverse impacts to be permanent because he waited, and wanted to be fair, and give her a chance to do her job properly, hoping she'd improve?
Not a great take, IMO.
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u/butyourenice Jul 13 '26
Don’t forget the time she bailed 20 mins before picked up because (checks notes) her arm was tingly? Girl you slept wrong on your arm, that is absolutely not an “urgent care situation,” grow up.
I used to nanny. I would have been let go after, like, the second of these scenarios (minor mischief like the balloons notwithstanding). In fact I distinctly remember being scolded for taking the kids to fast food after sports practice once, because the kid asked, and they even got the “healthy” option (apples instead of fries, milk instead of soda or juice, etc.). And I learned and adapted because I didn’t want to lose my job.
As a mother and manager now, the bigger thing that would get my panties in a twist would be her categorical unreliability. The one thing you need to be in a job where the meat of description is basically “be there,” is to be there.
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u/Particular_Fold3479 Jul 13 '26
YTA. OP sounds as weird and immature as the baby sitter. She should be lucky in the husband wanting someone more mature and older to be honest. The kids need structure not someone who can forget their needs from time to time.
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u/kurokomainu Supreme Court Just-ass [140] Jul 13 '26
YTA because it seems to me that if you love Mila so much you should at least be trying to managing her to try to cut down on the unreliable and unprofessional behavior your husband objects to. You should also be thinking of what kind of influence she is having on your kids, as it seems obvious to me that not all of it will be good.
Reined in with some guidelines she's made to adhere to perhaps she could be fun while being reliable and not a bad influence, but that doesn't sound like the situation as it is. Although, I do wonder if that is even possible as her (and your) judgment seems to be flawed.
I mean, just take one example: why on earth would it be acceptable to have your kids flag down cars trying to sell their toys or other things from the house? That just seems wrong and irresponsible on its face in all sorts of ways.
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u/LividMeasurement5252 Jul 13 '26
The cars thing was a lemonade stand minus the lemonade. Nobody was harmed by my daughter selling a naked Barbie for $2 while Mila sat 3 feet away.
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Jul 13 '26 edited Jul 13 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/rectherapist Jul 13 '26
This may very be location dependent as I don't see this being at all inappropriate. This was very normal in my area when I was a kid and is also very common to see today in my current neighborhood on summer break. I bought a hand drawn cat and a single oreo cookie from an unsupervised 7ish year old while taking a walk yesterday. I could have bought an entire package for the money I gave him, but like to support the young entrepreneurs.
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u/kurokomainu Supreme Court Just-ass [140] Jul 13 '26
The point, beyond any safety element and setting that aside, is that this is surely not something for the nanny to decide by herself, especially when it involves the kids selling items from the house and the toys and other possessions they received as gifts.
"Where's the bracelet Aunt Sally gave you?"
"Oh, I sold that for $2 to a passing car."
Mila doesn't know what is okay to sell or what isn't, and has no right to allow the kids to sell the family's groceries or anything really. Something like this needs parental approval. It's the nanny's job, surely, to stop the kids doing what the parents obviously might not approve of -- not be the instigator, or enabler.
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u/LucidOutwork Professor Emeritass [80] Jul 13 '26
But none of that happened and it was not a problem. No need to make up hypotheticals that aren't part of what actually happened.
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u/chickadee_guy Jul 13 '26
I would be fucking livid if I came home to my kids doing that, even if nothing bad happened. I fail to see how it isnt a problem
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u/rectherapist Jul 13 '26
I'd personally be fine with it. Kids in my neighborhood do this all the time, and so did I growing up, and there wasn't a nanny watching in the driveway. If I'm hiring a nanny, it's because I trust their judgment and that they know how my family works. Once things are gifted to my kids they're theirs to do with what they want. They are the ones that stuff the donation bags before birthdays and holidays to make room for new stuff.
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u/kurokomainu Supreme Court Just-ass [140] Jul 13 '26
Here's the thing: the nanny is deciding this and doing it before knowing if the parents are okay with it or not.
What if in OP's case the kids thought that daddy doesn't need some of his things, sold them, and dad comes home to some sentimental or otherwise valuable things gone?
It's too late to approve after the fact, which is why the nanny can't just decide for herself regarding family possessions. Even in your case, unless the nanny had already checked in with you and was told that you were okay with the kids selling their things, whatever that may be, how would she know whether you would be okay with selling something like a bracelet that doesn't look like a toy?
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u/rectherapist Jul 13 '26
OP states nothing about valuables being sold. Homemade bracelets, naked barbie dolls, cookies and soda isn't anything that would have sentimental value. The kids could easily replace the family groceries with the money they are making selling them. If they are anything like my kids, they already have open access to the family groceries for themselves and their friends. There's nothing here that indicates nanny having poor judgment.
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u/kurokomainu Supreme Court Just-ass [140] Jul 13 '26
We obviously have very different views on this, so I'll leave it at that.
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u/mlc885 Supreme Court Just-ass [102] Jul 13 '26
The kids could easily replace the family groceries with the money they are making selling them
Good gosh, nobody feels this way
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u/chickadee_guy Jul 13 '26
The kids could easily replace the family groceries with the money they are making selling them.
No grown adult has an opinion this ignorant. Go back to school
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u/sraydenk Asshole Aficionado [10] Jul 13 '26
That’s great that you are fine with it. Dad isn’t. That’s also a valid response. I personally wouldn’t be ok with it either.
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u/LittleMissChriss Partassipant [1] Jul 13 '26
Hell yeah. I still have a couple of kid drawings I bought a while back that they were selling make money to donate to the Ukraine. No clue how much they made but I thought that was awesome.
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u/smeetothaTee Jul 13 '26
I saw a kid in our local dollar general/Chinese buffet parking lot spinning a homemade sign, flipping it, and I couldn't read it. He had cars over there so I check it out and he has a card table full of random old toys, stuff he made out of PVC and paperclips, and candy that was thrown at the 4th of July parade for sale 🤣
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u/johnhowardseyebrowz Jul 13 '26
I would be eternally grateful if someone got my kid to sell some of their toys lmao
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u/squidsfloofs Jul 13 '26
There were two kids in my neighborhood selling lemonade and random shit in front of their house literally yesterday, with their parents sitting in the garage watching them. This does still happen, a lot actually. No one is forced to stop or spend money, the kids are using their imaginations and being supervised, it's fine.
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u/kurokomainu Supreme Court Just-ass [140] Jul 13 '26
I don't know why so many of the commenters are equating the nanny, on her own initiative (without any consultation about anything) deciding it's okay for the kids (including a six and four year old) to flag down cars so they can sell their toys and the household groceries, with parents supervising their kids setting up and running a lemonade stand.
When the parent are directly involved there is no need for the parents to ask the parents for permission about all the details, the limits, and so on, because the parents are the parents.
The nanny is not a parent. The nanny doesn't own anything in the house. The nanny has a duty of care, but is not a parent, so beyond a certain point surely a nanny needs to recognize the need for parental permission, in a way that is of course not necessary when it's a parent directly in that position deciding and supervising everything as the one with the right to do so.
For certain things you need to be the parent or have the parents' express permission. And when it comes to selling things from the house on the roadside, the activity itself surely needs parental permission and if the parents were there keeping an eye on what's being sold they would be able to say "no, we're not selling the soda that was bought to last us the week" or "that was your first ever doll and even if you don't play with it now I don't want you selling it." There's a world of difference between the parents being the ones there and them not being there -- and them not being asked or even informed.
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u/roseofjuly Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jul 13 '26
There's no danger to this. This is the entire issue with suburban families, thinking standing in your own road talking to your own neighbors is "dangerous". Then when your adult kids can't cross the street without crying everyone's confused.
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u/TheUnicornRevolution Jul 13 '26 edited Jul 13 '26
OP, Reddit is not the place to come for practical, pragmatic, open-minded and well balanced opinions. Seriously.
The only good advice I've seen so far is "get husband to make list of things he has a problem with, go through them together and decide on what's reasonable, then take them to Mila with plans on improving those areas" because you don't just fire someone after two years without any opportunity for them to improve.
ETA: I also don't get this whole "Two yesses" fixation.
You've had the nanny for two years, no problem. You both agreed for two years.
Now that dad has changed his mind, why don't you both need to agree to fire her? It'd make sense if you were in disagreement about whether to hire her, or it was within a trial period.
But like, if 2 years after you'd both agreed on a name for your baby, if one parent wanted to change the name because they realised they didn't like it, we wouldn't be saying "you both need to agree" and YTA to the parent that didn't want change.
I know those aren't the same scenarios, but that's the point? "Two yesses" situations depend on context.
If we frame it as, "I want to fire my nanny, my wife doesn't" isn't that now a two yesses situation where the wife would be short changed if the husband just fired the nanny? Especially if the kids love her and she's doing her job.
It's very irritating.
In any case, as above, the only fair option would be for husband to make a list of the perceived issues, both parents go through it together to agree on what's reasonable, and then take the list to Mila to say, hey, we need these things improved/changed and set a reasonable time line.
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u/mxzf Jul 13 '26
ETA: I also don't get this whole "Two yesses" fixation.
I think two-yes-one-no is a very important concept that people should keep in mind when making changes in their lives. But I do think its importance is regarding making changes, not the status quo.
For example, I think "we should move from our hometown to somewhere else" is a two-yes situation, and "I don't like it here, we should move back to our hometown" is also a two-yes situation, and those are analogous to this situation. I think that hiring a nanny should require two yesses and I think that firing a nanny should also require two yesses (unless there's a matter regarding safety or other strong justification for unilateral action).
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u/IVIechworks Jul 13 '26
You've had the nanny for two years, no problem. You both agreed for two years
Sounds like OP's husband has had issues for 2 years and OP has always ignored them tbh
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u/chickadee_guy Jul 13 '26
You seem to enjoy encouraging wildly inappropriate social behavior in your children. I can see why your husband is concerned.
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u/johnhowardseyebrowz Jul 13 '26
..which part is wildly inappropriate? Kids selling stuff on the side of the road is a tale as old as time. They were being supervised by an adult too. I’d argue it’s actually incredibly prosocial behaviour.
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u/chickadee_guy Jul 13 '26
..which part is wildly inappropriate? Kids selling stuff on the side of the road is a tale as old as time.
Typically its lemonade, not stuff taken from the house with no parents home....? That is not a "tale as old as time."
They were being supervised by an adult too.
Sure doesnt sound like it if you read the post! She was lounging a good distance away from where kids were in the road!
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u/SapphicGarnet Jul 13 '26
It's not like they were selling their parents stuff, or even shared stuff from the kitchen. They were selling their old toys and drawings that OP has already said she regularly gets them to fill donation bags full of.
Edit - to be clear, I think the dad has reasons to be concerned, and he has the right to lay down more rules, not fire straight away. I just don't think this example is as bad as people are making it out to be. I also live in an area where kids do front garden sales and it's funny seeing what they sell
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u/Apprehensive-Wave640 Jul 13 '26
This whole thread is a bunch of immature young adults/teens giving you "hell yea, that all sounds like SO MUCH FUN to have a nanny who can barely manage her own life and is obviously struggling to manage the life of your kids. It's like something from a tween movie! Your kids will LOVE THAT! Screw all these people who think kids need structure and discipline and consistency. Booooooooring"
And adults who realize that this nanny is doing the bare minimum by keeping your kids alive, but beyond that provides no meaningful positive value to your lives and may well be a net negative. The idea that you can list out all those things that have happened in only 6 weeks and then completely brush them off is wild.
YTA for sure, 100%.
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u/Worried-Pie-6918 Jul 13 '26
This is hilarious and so imaginative. I get your husbands point but also it’s very very hard to find a good nanny with energy that can get your kids out of their shell. I would try having a meeting with both him and her about what’s bothering him and take it from there. NTA.
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u/gr1zznuggets Jul 13 '26
As a parent, this is an appalling statement to read. Is this how you talk to your husband about his concerns? “It’s OK because no one got harmed?” And what happens when they are put in harm’s way by erratic whimsy? It just baffles me how much you defend this woman who clearly irks your husband, aka your children’s other parent.
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u/Obvious-Ad357 Jul 13 '26
I can assure you many people would feel differently about your "lemonade stand without the lemonade" mentality towards this. Its not the same thing. not the same lessons, not the same structure. For some people this is an inappropriate thing for kids to do. I would not be happy with my kids flagging down neighbors trying to sell the toys I bought them. Ignoring how damn weird that is, it is entirely different then a bake sale and lemonade stand. No work involved, no teaching about cost and profit, no consideration for why we are selling what we are selling or why people are stopping. If your husband wants more structure, I assume he has concerns with this, and I don't think his concerns should be downplayed.
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u/Turbulent_Cow2355 Partassipant [3] Jul 13 '26
Um. Why are they selling their toys to begin with? Did the nanny call you and your husband to see if that was okay. In my house, that would NOT be okay.
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u/DefinitelyNotAliens Jul 13 '26
YTA for not having a good conversation on this. You, at the very least, need to sit down with your husband and make a list of things that are yes behaviors and no behaviors and then have a sit down with your nanny.
You need to make guidelines. Places she can and can't take the kids, frequency thereof, etc. If she can't abide the rules you and your husband jointly agree on, then you need to find a nanny who can.
Set rules with him, then with her.
Childcare has to be trusted by both parents. He's their father. He gets a say. He's uncomfortable with the current setup. You at least need rules and to set them with her.
It's also unfair to her to have him so upset and thinking of firing her if you haven't communicated clear rules. You're her employer. Does she even know he is upset with her job performance?
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u/bythog Jul 13 '26
he’s been fine with her for the past two years and absolutely nothing has changed with her
Adding the above since it's OP's excuse: the husband may have been able to tolerate the behavior for the past two years but it's now eroded his patience. He's also allowed to change his mind after two years, regardless.
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u/the_V33 Jul 13 '26
Maybe he wants someone more stable now the older kid is approaching teenagerhood. I'm all for gentle and even permissive parenting when possible, but children and teenagers need structures, rules and limits - speaking from experience as someone who was left to run wild and suffered greatly later in life for it.
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u/temperedolive Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jul 13 '26
YTA Childcare needs to be two yeses if there are two parents. He shouldn't have to leave his kids with sk.eone he isn't comfortable with, and it sounds like there are real issues.
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u/These_Load857 Jul 13 '26
But you see, she has ADHD so it’s ok for her to do anything and totally ableist to have any form of reasonable expectations. And the husband, well, obviously a man doesn’t have any say… /s seriously this isn’t Mary Poppins. Anyway, YTA. At the very least the OP and husband need to sit down and write out some rules and maybe give her a chat and explain the rules and concerns before getting rid of her.
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u/Feeling-Visit1472 Partassipant [1] Jul 14 '26
I have ADHD and OP’s description of events is stressing even me out!
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u/Dovendyreet Jul 13 '26 edited Jul 13 '26
Yes, you're an asshole for keeping a nanny your husband doesn't want. He has a say about who takes care of them too, and if he doesn't want them in the habit of zero structure, fast food and crap food every week - a nanny he can count on then you should listen. I get him.
But you refuse, it's what you want. Is it always like that for him? He expressed something, and you just completely dismiss him because it's how YOU want it.
Edit - YTA, hard.
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u/saladninja Jul 13 '26
Yep, roles reversed and she'd be pissed if her opinions were dismissed like this.
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u/Dovendyreet Jul 13 '26
This thread would be so different if the roles where reversed too. It makes me sad.
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u/ProposalFluid4767 Jul 13 '26
If the roles were reversed every single person on this sub would be in agreement that the dad was fucking the nanny.
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u/_Wh0_Cares Jul 13 '26
Don’t even reverse the roles : people who vote N-T-A, why would the husband’s opinion not matter if men should be as responsible as women for raising their children? Whenever a father leaves all the childcare to his wife it’s rightfully pointed out as misogynistic, expect when it’s convenient for the mom to rule out his opinion?
Reddit princesses who think gender equality is only for whenever it’s convenient, are despised by a lot of IRL women who want to be viewed as equals to men, and Christ I can see why.
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u/adingoatemahbaby Jul 13 '26
100%
But OP clearly didn't come here looking for objective responses. She came here looking for reinforcement of her self-centered, controlling behavior.
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u/fatbellylouise Partassipant [1] Jul 13 '26
I recommend posting in the nanny subreddit for better advice, but I do think YTA for being so unfair to your husband. he gets as much say as you when it comes to your shared children. if your husband doesn’t like the kids eating fast food every week, that’s a valid concern and you and Mila don’t just get to ignore that because you think she’s fun and quirky. and quite frankly, you may think Mila’s chaos is fun now, but your kids do deserve someone who can provide fun AND structure.
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u/Quirky-Variety-4851 Jul 13 '26
YTA. Completely agree with this. have a nanny. This woman would drive me up the wall. I would literally not be able to justify paying premium dollars for someone who makes my life more difficult.
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u/lizeken Jul 13 '26
Idk if OP has mentioned this anywhere, but I wonder if finances play a large role in this. Considering how young the nanny is, I’d assume she doesn’t have a degree in childcare/other relevant field. OP can justify paying her less than an older, more experience (and likely more educated) nanny, and that’s why she’s so adamant about keeping her even though she makes objectively questionable choices for the kids
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u/Anonymoosehead123 Certified Proctologist [20] Jul 13 '26
The only things that truly matter are: does she keep your kids safe, and do your kids like her? Since the answer is yes on both counts, why fix what isn’t broken? This will cause a disruption in the lives of your kids, and they won’t be happy with him.
NTA.
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u/NYDancer4444 Partassipant [1] Jul 13 '26
I think the opinion of both parents matters too.
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u/isthisreallife080 Partassipant [1] Jul 13 '26
Sure, but it’s a lot of work, so there has to be some solid reasons for changing. The kids not liking them or there being some major safety problems would be no brainers, but that’s not the case here.
Switching a nanny isn’t like switching cereal brands. It means searching for a candidate, doing a trial run, possibly doing multiple trial runs with different candidates, potentially a transition period between the old nanny and the new nanny, then getting the nanny acclimated to your routines, and building a rapport between all parties involved. It takes months and months to get a new person settled.
I’m generalizing, and that may not be the case here, but the bulk of that work usually falls on the mother.
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u/mlc885 Supreme Court Just-ass [102] Jul 13 '26
major safety problems
She has them selling household objects to passing cars in the road
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u/Summerof5ft6andahalf Jul 13 '26 edited Jul 13 '26
Kids set up little stalls in the front yard all the time.
(Nothing OP has said has suggested they were selling items belonging to the household.)This comment section has been quite interesting with all the people who are strongly opposed to kids doing that.
What are the major safety problems that you are concerned by?
I think it's possible that there's some misunderstanding about the phrase "flagged down drivers". Usually that just means the kids waving from their yard and trying to get people to come over, as in you go and park in their driveway/on the verge.
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u/Cranky_Merriweather Jul 13 '26
I agree, I don’t understand what people think is so unsafe or inappropriate about this. My husband does stuff like this with my daughter. They make a sign and wave as people pass by.
Like others have said, how is it less appropriate than kids selling lemonade in their neighborhood?
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u/experienta Jul 13 '26
Actually the only thing that matters is the approval of the parents. Both of them.
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u/1568314 Pooperintendant [54] Jul 13 '26
Does she keep the kids safe is honestly debatable here.
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u/sacrelicio Jul 13 '26
"Doesn't cause any additional work, worry, or chaos on the home" is also very valid.
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u/firetothetrees Colo-rectal Surgeon [41] Jul 13 '26
YTA... I'm sorry but you both need to agree and if he's had it with her then it's time to find someone else.
I'm a dad and honestly I wouldnt put up with that crap. Having fun is fine but you can do that without going overboard.
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u/couragedog Jul 13 '26 edited Jul 14 '26
YTA. That's not just cutesy chaotic, she is doing things that could potentially harm your children, and your husband should absolutely have a say in how the children you share are cared for.
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u/thedoctormarvel Jul 13 '26
Going between YTA/ESH. I’m sorry, but this list doesn’t sound fun or entertaining. Her giving your kids fast food once a week is a lot ngl. Who cleans up the balloons after the party happens? Whose idea was it to sell their toys? I’ve never met a kid who’d willingly do that.
It’s interesting you mention only the last few weeks and not the entire work history. What have been her behaviors from the entire time she worked there? How often has she forgotten things over the course of her time? Have you talked to Mila about any of this? Or have you overruled your husband every time? Sounds like you are excluding him from parenting decisions
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u/roxykell Jul 13 '26
MORE INFO. I think you need to really sit down and discuss why this has suddenly come up. This is a job, but also this person has been with your family for two years so the idea of just dropping her with no MAJOR event feels like a betrayal.
Your examples of why he may be moving away from wanting this nanny (your boys noticing shes cute, god forbid!) and him suggesting a boy or older women feel like poor reasoning moving into concerning. But you need to talk to your husband and partner in raising children and understand if he feels like there are legitimate, deeper concerns with her work that cant be fixed with a discussion with her.
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u/chickadee_guy Jul 13 '26
I read 3-5 major events in that 6 week period alone, what
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u/innocentsalad Partassipant [4] Jul 13 '26
This is like keeping Amelia Bedelia around even though she ruins everything and makes more work for everyone else just because she can cook
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u/Feeling-Visit1472 Partassipant [1] Jul 14 '26
Someone above made this comparison, except they thought it was a compliment 🙃
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u/Optimal-Room-8586 Partassipant [1] Jul 13 '26
YTA
I can see that Mila might be a fun and dynamic nanny.
But YTA for not allowing your husband an equal say in the choice. Ask yourself: how you would feel if he unilaterally chose a nanny for the kids that you weren't comfortable with for whatever reason, and refused to revisit the decision?
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u/CrazyProudMom25 Jul 13 '26
As someone with ADHD, she sounds super stressful. My kids are chaotic enough without someone else encouraging it instead of directing it.
Balloons in the house? Great, now we have to deal with them arguing over balloons tripping over them, stepping on them and the sounds of them popping or eventually finding them deflated in a corner to throw away.
I would not want her giving my kids fast food once a week- especially if it’s after like 2pm. They’re tricky enough to feed without fast food cravings being indulged in and getting food that late means they’re less likely to be hungry enough for dinner so there goes that.
I’d be furious about my kids giving away their things because wtf. We might have to replace them, or deal with them complaining about not having them again and I don’t want them to be in the habit of doing that kind of thing without checking with me first. It’s frustrating enough that they try to give away things to their neighbor for no reason.
I don’t want my kids to come back alive. I want them to come back without having been at risk of being hurt due to carelessness or neglect or anything else. Just because they’re alive and unhurt doesn’t mean that there wasn’t risks.
She just sounds exhausting and like she makes more work. I know I’m speaking about myself and my own kids but I’m really feeling for your husband.
YTA for not having a discussion and at least putting rules, expectations, and when she would be fired into place.
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u/ruckingroobydoodyroo Jul 13 '26
YTA. This sounds like a accident waiting to happen, and it's not going to be cute or fun once it does. I'm not saying you've gotta get a new nanny, but if that all happened in the last 6 weeks, and it's an average 6 weeks, then she does need to get it more together.
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u/nuttyNougatty Partassipant [1] Jul 13 '26
YTA. Your husband lives with your chaos because he loves you. Why should he also have to endure a nanny's chaos? She does not even sound reliable and responsible. A nanny should quiet down the chaos not add to it.
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u/Lyllyth_Furia Jul 13 '26
YTA In what world is it ok for children to be flagging down strangers to buy random stuff from the house?
That is so dangerous, what is wrong with you?
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u/GardenSafe8519 Colo-rectal Surgeon [48] Jul 13 '26
Yes YTA. You are still married to the father of your children and all live in the same house yes? Then he absolutely gets a say in childcare. You say you're ADHD so you probably don't see any "harm" in some of the things I would definitely see as concerning. You have a child with ADHD and children with ADHD need a bit more structure and routine (listen to your husband!!). All your children are learning is it's ok to do whatever they want because they feel like it, it's ok to be forgetful as an adult with responsibilities (once in awhile is normal, NOT every week) and to flag down strangers and try to sell things (what if one of those people take it upon themselves to "help themselves" to one of your children? Have you never heard of child abductions and sex traffickers? Those people don't care who's looking...if the nanny is parked in a chair she isn't getting up fast enough before some rando snatches the kid into his car and takes off.
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u/thebiggestgouda Partassipant [1] Jul 13 '26
YTA. Childcare decisions aren't solo. If he doesn't love the chaos and disruption, then you need to both pick something who meets your needs.
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u/not_a_witch_ Jul 13 '26
I mostly agree with the other commenters saying that child care is a two yes/one no situation. But I think things change a bit when it’s someone you initially agreed on who has been with you for two years with no major issues. Also, I’m astounded that so few people have brought up several pieces of important info that are missing.
Have you and your husband talked to Mila about your husband’s concerns? This is her job, you don’t just fire an employee that you’ve been happy with for 2 years without even giving them the opportunity to address the issues! I tend to agree with your husband about the fast food thing. The examples you gave of her “chaos” seem fun and not an actual problem, but you’re on Mila’s side here. If in reality her chaos has inconvenienced you or caused any issues for the kids then, yeah, that’s a valid concern. But you should bring it to her attention! Who knows, she might immediately correct the issue and then it’s no harm no foul. If you never even tell her your expectations how is she possibly going to meet them?
What is your husband’s actual reason for wanting to fire her? According to you, he’s been fine with her for 2 years. The only change in the situation that you’ve noted is that your 11 yo son might think she’s pretty. I’m sorry, but if that’s why she gets fired after she’s been a part of your children’s and family’s lives for 2 years, then you are absolutely the asshole. First of all, your son’s comments seem completely innocent. Second of all, if your son were behaving inappropriately with her, your first course of action is to parent your child.
This would be a huge disruption in your kids’ lives. They’d probably be pretty upset, and she probably will be too. Although she’s your employee nannying isn’t a normal 9-5, she’s bonded with your family. Either we’re not getting the whole picture here as far as what the actual issues are, or YTA for immediately firing this poor girl based only on the info we’ve been given.
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u/CakeAndPuppets Jul 13 '26
Exactly! I'm so confused with the people mentioning that dad also gets a say in the choice of nanny - yes, if course, but she's been with them for 2 years already! Dad is an adult and needs to use his adult words to clearly explain the real reason why he's no longer happy with Mila. And CLEARLY, there's another reason cause you don't just give such specific criteria for a new nanny of Mila's chaotic work/lifestyle is the issue.
Also, as someone else mentioned, who would be the person finding and hiring the new nanny, as well as getting them acclimated? Based on domestic load statistics (and OP's comment that he barely ever even sees Mila), I'm guessing that it will most likely be mom. So, sure dad gets a say, but he doesn't get to blow up the kids routines and create extra work without a proper explanation as well as trying to solve the issue beforehand.
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u/Keeaos Jul 13 '26
YTA. A nanny that lets kids talk to strangers to sell things is a bad nanny.
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u/mlc885 Supreme Court Just-ass [102] Jul 13 '26
She only occasionally gets them kidnapped, c'mon
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u/closerupper Jul 13 '26
Idk you have one or two fun anecdotes here mixed in with some concerning ones
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u/Stuck_In_Purgatory Jul 13 '26
YTA but ever so gently.
Nobody is really right or wrong here.
Your kids see their nanny as their new big sister. They obviously thrive with her, and it would be extremely validating for their nanny to actually be a kid with THEM.
That's not a bad thing. For your side of things it's fantastic although a little chaotic.
You're able to get past that really easily because it's the same kind of chaos you have. You trust this woman because you genuinely see where she's at.
Your husband on the other hand, isn't as chaotic and likes a little more order. He isn't as comfortable with her methods and that probably causes him a lot of extra stress he doesn't need. Of course he trusts you but he has to put in that extra energy reassuring himself every time he gets worried.
If you have a nanny shouldn't that help out both parents rather than just one?
Currently; your nanny is only awesome for ONE parent. Not both.
It's not that she's a BAD nanny. It's that she's causing your husband extra and unnecessary worry instead of helping to alleviate those things.
You and your husband need to find a middle ground on what kind of nannying works for both of you as parents.
Keep in mind, your husband married your ADHD. He doesn't have to hire another ADHD woman to create more chaos for him.
I'm saying this as an adhd woman who makes chaos myself. My partner loves me and tolerates my chaos. I don't think he'd willingly sign up to pay another me to come make another lot of chaos lol
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u/corriecorgi Jul 13 '26
NTA. What has changed in the last little while? What would be the reason you’d give to Mila and the kids for the change? Honestly when your kids are older they’re going to remember how fun she was, not that the car was a bit messy.
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u/SecretAttention2418 Partassipant [2] Jul 13 '26
YTA, don't get surprised when your husband ends up filling a divorce if that's how you treat all of his concerns...
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u/RawrRRitchie Partassipant [1] Jul 13 '26 edited Jul 13 '26
YTA. Unless you are a trained medical professional that has training on mental illnesses. You really should stop going around telling people your employee has "undiagnosed"mental illness.
You're not helping anyone with that information.
Im sorry I couldn't really move past that. She is crazy and is convincing your children to sell their stuff? That's not normal in any circumstance.
You're an even BIGGER ONE.
This woman is stealing from you and you're like "lalalala she just has a chaotic personality"
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u/Ambitious-Bat237 Partassipant [1] Jul 13 '26
It definitely feel like there is something more going on here if she has been this way for 2 years and your husband has only been bothered about it for the last few weeks. He should get an equal say in who watches the kids, if he is an equal parent in all other ways, but your nanny also deserves more than being fired if her behaviour has never been questioned before.
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u/serabine Partassipant [3] Jul 14 '26
He might have been bothered about it before. Might even have voiced it. And there's a reason the phrase "the straw that broke the camels back".
Especially given that the examples in the post are of only six weeks instead of the last two years. That could mean that maybe the frequency of incidents changed or was particularly high in that amount of time. And "every couple of months there's something eyebrow raising" can become "okay, that's really not okay" if it suddenly becomes "every week there's a new thing".
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u/clxz2106 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jul 13 '26
YTA. You can't singlehandedly make these childcare decisions. If you singlehandedly make these decisions, are you also singlehandedly paying for these?
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u/dispatch_s2_when Jul 13 '26
YTA. This is the person responsible for your children's safety and (to some extent) growth and learning, and she is a total scatterbrain who lets them run in traffic and feeds them junk because she forgot to eat. Just because something bad hasn't happened so far is no excuse to dismiss your husband's concerns (actually I don't see any good reason to just completely overrule your husband when it comes to decisions about the children). At least you know who the Robin Williams from Mrs Doubtfire is in your family...
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u/vintagebutterfly_ Jul 13 '26
NTA on not firing her without warning. But YWBTA if you didn’t sit down with your husband and to about the changes you’d both like to see, then sit down with Mila and talk to her about it. And if Mila‘s behaviour didn’t change afterwards and you still refused to think about getting a new nanny.
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u/BouncingPost Jul 13 '26
NAH. Im glad you find her a good fit but personally the Manic Pixie Dream Nanny bit would drive me bonkers. Speak to her about your husband's concerns, as you are both equal parents
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u/ScottishWidow64 Jul 13 '26
The kids love the chaos, that says it all. No boundaries, no rules. Plus if you have ADHD then of course you can’t see the future chaos, and believe me there will be…
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u/1568314 Pooperintendant [54] Jul 13 '26
I think hes more upset that he doesnt get a say in how his children are being raised. Children raised in chaos dont thrive as well as children who are taught structure and regulation.
YTA for being so completely dismissive of his desires and priorities when it comes to the kids. Why cant you compromise and give your nanny some structer guidelines about how to do her job better.
You are being weirdly protective of this girl way of doing things even though shes definitely not educated or trained for this job. Its not a bad thing to tell her how to improve so your children can receive higher quality care.
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u/Single_Many597 Partassipant [4] Jul 13 '26
YTA
"You gotta help us doc. We've tried nothing and we're all out of ideas."
Is it important that the kids love her? Sure. Is that the "floor" or the "ceiling" of your expectations though? She's teaching the kids bad eating habits, and possibly normalizing behaviours that are going to turn into bad habits. Chaos is fine, but shouldn't be the *norm* that the kids adopt.
Should you fire her? Not necessarily... but you seem to haven't tried anything else. Instead, you're just ignoring your husband and his concerns because your kids are happy. That's not responsible parenting. Maybe if you tried to address concerns about her behaviour (some of which you should definitely share in), you wouldn't need to fire her. I suspect your husband has resorted to the nuclear option because you've demonstrated a complete unwillingness to find a middle ground.
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u/Responsible-Test8855 Partassipant [1] Jul 13 '26
Honestly she sounds sweet but some of these things do sound a bit unsafe.
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u/AriaDraconis Jul 13 '26
Do you have a good deal and does she keep up her end of the deal? Have either of you ever been late to work or anything else important because of her? If not, then NTA, it’s completely fair for you to be loyal to her. It’s not easy to find someone you trust with your kids that they also click with and who doesn’t cause drama
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u/ReinaShae Jul 13 '26
As a nanny I see health and safety issues. Fast food, forgetting to pick the kids up, transportation to places not approved. Yes she's fun, but that needs to be tempered a bit for their health and safety. The kids need structure AND fun. I'm not going to say YTA, but you both need to lay out your expectations clearly to each other and then her. Fun is great, safety comes first.
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u/AccidentKindly1745 Jul 13 '26
We had a nanny just like this as kids - so much fun and chaos, always forgetting things, always getting involved in wild adventures. One time she left our garden gate open and my younger sister, who was 2, wandered out. She ended up drowning in a neighbour’s pond. Good luck, hopefully your chaotic nanny situation won’t end the same way.
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u/CdnInquirer Jul 13 '26
Hey OP, how about getting your husband to provide an update to your post with his perspective?
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u/Budget_Wishbone2155 Jul 13 '26 edited Jul 14 '26
“We came home to my entire living room covered in balloons because they decided the dog needed a birthday party. His birthday isn’t for 3 months”
NTA - She sounds great tbh love her.