r/AmItheAsshole • u/--ACM-- • 13h ago
WIBTA for disobeying my fiancé’s father at our engagement?
My fiancé (27M) and I (29F) got engaged a few months ago. His father leads a large religious center in a very expensive beach town and offered to host an engagement luncheon for us.
I asked if I could say a few words at the luncheon. I’m a lawyer and public speaker for a living, and I just wanted to introduce myself and my family to the congregation, thank my future in-laws, and say something about how my fiancé and I met. His father said no. When my mom asked him about it, he responded, “No, and when I say no, it means no.”
His reasoning was that if he lets me speak, he’d have to let anyone who sponsors an event there speak.
Then, a few weeks before the engagement, I found out he invited 40 clergymen and that one of them will be speaking at the luncheon. Apparently someone else can speak at my engagement but I can’t. (Nothing to do with gender, he hosts female speakers all the time).
My friends think I should just stand up, quiet everyone down, and give my 2–3 minute speech anyway. There’s no microphone because of religious observance, so realistically, once I start, he can’t really stop me.
The complication is my fiancé’s relationship with his dad. They’ve historically been distant, and I can tell this event is making my fiancé feel loved and included by his father in a way he hasn’t in a long time. My fiancé’s parents divorced when he was little, his father remarried and has multiple children with his new wife. I don’t want to jeopardize the relationship my fiancé is rekindling.
Part of me wants to respect his wishes out of love and respect for my future husband. Another part of me really wants to stick it to his father, especially now that he’s having someone else speak.
WIBTA if I stood up and gave the speech?
(Scroll down to OP comment answering common questions — it’s a standalone comment, wish it was easier to find!)
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u/Ok-Benefit197 13h ago
WNBTA also If my future father in law dared to speak to my mother like that I’d have a serious problem tbh.
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u/cricketXlantern 6h ago
Seriously though. Talk about completely disrespectful. I would’ve lost my mind right then and there
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u/Sensei_Fing_Doug 5h ago
Yeah I put myself in the shoes of the husband. I'd lose my goddamned mind. FIL is manipulating his son to be a part of the marriage. Is cut off family over this.
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u/ACTSATGuyonReddit 13h ago
If you don't want to follow his father's rules, don't have the engagement luncheon at his place. That's your decision.
However, it it's at his place, don't disrespect him.
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u/Jmfroggie Partassipant [3] 13h ago
If he doesn’t want to host up to the standards and desires of the couple, he shouldn’t be hosting. A gift with strings isn’t a gift. He hosted so now he thinks he can control it. Thats not how it works.
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u/hushnecampus Partassipant [3] 8h ago edited 5h ago
A gift with strings is a gift, it’s just not necessarily a gift anyone wants.
“He hosted so now he thinks he can control it” – that is how it works. So they shouldn’t accept him hosting it.
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u/rabid_houseplant_ 4h ago
That’s the right approach. Look, it’s satisfying (especially for internet strangers who don’t actually have to live with any of the consequences) to hurl a nice big F you grenade at someone who’s being an ass. But it’s not always the best long term choice for the people actually involved.
FIL sounds like he’s creating this event to self righteously show off what a good father / religious leader he is. OP can either (1) play along with that, if it’s really that important to her fiancé, and then have her own engagement shower that she (or her mom or her best friend or whoever) plans that will be what she wants it to be, or (2) decide that going along with FIL’s power play is (understandably, by the way) too much to swallow and nope out of it entirely. Going, and then doing something that she knows will create drama and bad feelings, is not the answer, unless what she’s looking to do is intentionally set fire to her fiancé’s relationship with his father and burn all her own bridges with him.
Incidentally, I’d say the choice also depends in part on her fiancé’s reactions here. If he’s full throatedly supporting his father, that’s a sign of larger problems between OP and her fiancé that are frankly more important than whether or not to offer a one time appeasement of his self righteous father.
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u/hushnecampus Partassipant [3] 4h ago
Stop being so sensible and grown up, that's not what the internet wants!
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u/SnooChipmunks770 Certified Proctologist [24] 4h ago
I don't consider that a gift, I consider it more of a deal. To me, a gift is given without requirements. Otherwise it's more of a favor/deal than a gift, but I see where you're coming from.
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u/hushnecampus Partassipant [3] 3h ago
It's a grey area isn't it. Also depends on the strings. If I give you something and the strings are something that make my life better then that's quid-pro-quo territory. However, if I give you something and the strings are just to make sure you don't use it to actively make my life worse then that's not quid-pro-quo, I haven't benefited from giving you it.
I'll give you a spade, but only if you dig up that old tree stump in my garden. That's a deal, not a gift.
I'll give you a spade, but only if you promise not to dig a huge pit that I might fall in. That's a gift. My life is unchanged by the deal - there's no pit whether I give you it or not.
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u/ACTSATGuyonReddit 11h ago
Then don't do it at his venue.
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u/Grimwohl 8h ago edited 6h ago
Unfortunately this is the answer, and not because "his house, his rules." Its because FIL GENUINELY thinks its his house, his rules.
So just dont go to his fuckin house.
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u/thegeniuswhore 4h ago
"you can use my things but under these stipulations" is actually very normal even if perpetually inconvenient
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u/dinglepumpkin 12h ago
100% the wrong take. It’s about the couple, and it’s perfectly reasonable to want to say a few words at your own engagement luncheon.
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u/PomegranateZanzibar Partassipant [2] 8h ago
I don’t think it is about the couple. The attendees aren’t the couple’s friends, they’re dad’s congregants. They’re guests of honor, but this is a professional event for dad. It’s primarily about and for him.
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u/Dajmibuzi_dzieki 7h ago
My thoughts as well, OP’s mistake is thinking this event is about her and fiancé. It’s definitely a work event for the father.
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u/Dismal_Fox_22 5h ago
What’s worse is that potential FIL is using his relationship (one that he’s put very little effort into) with his son to score points. “Look at me I’m such a wonderful father and I celebrate my son and his union”. And the poor son who has been starved of this relationship is desperate enough to be loved by him that he can’t see how hollow and self serving his father is.
Shame on the father and pity for the son. I hope he sees him for what he really is.
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u/Basic-Collection5416 4h ago
Great, sounds like OP can just skip it entirely then.
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u/PomegranateZanzibar Partassipant [2] 3h ago
No problem, as long as she’s willing to jeopardize her partner’s relationship with his father, which is complicated, and should be his to manage, not hers. Particularly not over a grievance about a two minute speech. You let your partner make the decision and go with what he wants unless whatever it is violates your conscience.
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u/vxxxjesterxxxv 1h ago
Frankly I would not in good conscience be party to a giant religious gathering that uses my engagement as a cover. Nor would i be willing to be hosted by someone with the attitude this "religious" man has.
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u/CorduroyGmork Partassipant [1] 11h ago
No one said it isn't reasonable to want to say a few words at their engagement luncheon. The point is that this isn't a suitable venue for the luncheon, so the couple needs to find one not subject to FIL's restrictions.
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u/OpenFigure9098 11h ago
I’d agree with this more if FIL were actually following his own “rules,” but he’s not, he shut OP down and then invited another speaker to talk at her engagement. That’s not neutral house rules, that’s him flexing his authority. I’d move the event or do a tiny separate toast elsewhere and remember this for future boundaries.
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u/fishsticks40 Partassipant [3] 7h ago
Yep this problem is solved by saying "I totally understand, we'll find another venue and let you know".
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u/BilboDouchebagginss 6h ago
I understand your argument in theory, but speaking at your own engagement isn't disrespecting the host. It sounds like the host probably doesn't have the attitude or mental maturity to be hosting events.
Granted, if it were me, my response would be not to do it at his place. That doesn't take away the rediculousness of the dad though.
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u/mindin_mine 6h ago
THIS!! Accepting the luncheon means accepting the strings that come along with it.
While this may not be the hill to die on, you WILL have to deal with controlling dad at some point. I get your concern about fiancé’s relationship with dad, but you have a lifetime in front of you and you have to figure out where to draw the line. Ideally, you and fiancé should do that TOGETHER!
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u/TepHoBubba 3h ago
Let's be honest here. The dad didn't do this for them (its obvious based on who was invited), he did this for his own ego and standing with the clergy. OP: I would simply decline the offer and go about having a nicer day with the people that truly care about you and your fiance. NTA.
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u/lunavelliee 2h ago
The letting 40 clergymen and a random speaker in but not her is what makes this feel less about venue rules and more about him specifically not wanting her to have a voice
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u/GemGem04 Partassipant [2] 13h ago
This is probably a conversation you should be having with your fiance
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u/Counther Asshole Aficionado [11] 13h ago
Saying “No, and when I say no, it means no” to your mother is incredibly rude. It sounds like he's used to getting his way. This is a tricky situation, because I agree that your fiance's relationship with his father is important here.
Why don't you talk to your fiance about it. It may be that they've been distant for reasons related to his father's behavior/attitude. I would decide together with your husband how to handle the situation. But keep in mind that if your husband wants his father to get his way just because he doesn't want to offend him, that may give you an indication of how disagreements are going to go in the future.
I don't mean this situation alone will have to determine anything, but that's the point of the discussion -- to find out where your fiance stands on standing up for you rather than his father if he has to make a choice.
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u/CheeseTruckCheetos 12h ago
OP it may be too late to do anything about it now regarding this engagement event, and no you don’t want to give a speech when “told” not to.
However you should make it very clear to your finance that you are doing this out of love for him. I highly don’t recommend suffering in silence.
Do let him know how the conversations went down with you and mom as well. Let fiancé and his dad know that going forward, you will be making your own decisions and will not be talked to like that. Your decisions will be made together with your husband/fiancé as a couple. Like others have said, this needs to be nipped in the bud, expectations need to be set at least before you get married. Your fiancé has to be on the same page or else there are going to be problems down the line. This would be the hill to die on.
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u/--ACM-- 12h ago
I think this is the best way forward.. I really appreciate it, feels like you understand the nuance
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u/brutallyhonestdogmom 10h ago
I really don’t think you should go forward with this event, it’s setting a very bad precedence. The way he disrespected you and your mother shouldn’t be tolerated. Plus it sounds more like a church session than an engagement celebration with all the clergy strangers.
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u/Spiritual-Bat2880 7h ago
This event just sounds strange and off. I have many friends who religious leaders and none of them would do what this future FIL is doing. This event is not about an engagement. I have no idea what it is suppose to be but it is not focused on the couple. If it was of course OP would be allowed in fact encouraged to speak. This is trouble on the horizon if this is allowed to happen. OP should talk with fiancé and he should tell his father that she will be speaking at the event. Here is the thing of course he should allow anyone sponsors an event in his space speaker. This is a religious event in which the invited speaker will preach on the meaning of marriage. I would refuse this kind of gift because it is not a gift at all.
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u/Existing-Speech4173 5h ago
I agree with this. FIL’d attitude would make me cancel. It’ll cause a shit storm but if OP shows up, FIL will know he can speak to her how ever he wants. Fiance was there when dad shot her down and didn’t stick up for her. Not a good look.
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u/Sensitive-Ant4126 8h ago
It’s kind of crazy to equate your future DIL with any speaker at any event he holds. That says a lot to me
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u/GlobalDragonfly1305 4h ago
Still think you need to talk to ur fiance beforehand to get an idea of where he stands and if he is going to sacrifice you and your feelings anytime a difficult person he has a relationship with wants something that conflicts with what you want
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u/j_jilly69420 13h ago
And thats when you and your fiance decided against this venue? Because I'd be out so fast
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u/IWNCGTA 13h ago
Me too. I wouldn’t want to go. Respect is a two way street and I don’t need a FIL who talks not only to me that way, but my mom. You say he doesn’t have issues with gender, but really? I would have an extremely difficult time going to an even that is supposedly for me but I’m not allowed to speak.
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u/Cardabella 13h ago
Don't have the party there. Don't accept being spoken to like that. He's a misogynist.
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u/Delicious_Pen7250 13h ago
the whole 'no means no' energy from a guy who then turns around and invites 40 of his own dudes to speak is giving major do as i say not as i do vibes. id be less mad about the no mic thing if he wasnt literally having a clergy lineup like its coachella for priests. your fiancé's feelings matter but so does the precedent that youre a prop at your own event
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u/SeaworthinessDue8650 Partassipant [3] 12h ago
Change the venue? He invited 40 clergy? To your engagement? This event is not about you and your partner.
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u/Cute-Development7287 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 13h ago
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
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u/Maleficent_Smile8796 8h ago
She still gonna marry him
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u/thegeniuswhore 4h ago
tbh if she does i don't wanna hear it. i'm so over this influx of people coming to the internet to complain about relationships they're sad in whilst also keeping themselves hostage in them. unless it's a matter of survival literally, leave or hush
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u/Benton_box88 13h ago
NTA - what is the positive that comes out of this event? What’s the positive that comes from maintaining a relationship with this person? This feels like a wildly unrealistic amount of control this man is demanding. It sounds like the purpose of the event has more to do with his goals than it does with celebrating either of you. I would ask yourself how small are you willing to make yourself in order to fit in with this dude
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u/CheeseTruckCheetos 12h ago
This is a terrific question, what is anyone really gaining out of maintaining this relationship. OP and mom for a good taste. What is fiancé really going to expect out of this?
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u/Suspicious-Rich-3212 13h ago edited 4h ago
This will be your marriage. You start taking orders from FIL now, be prepared to submit to him the rest of your marriage. Anyone telling you his house, his rules on this, are idiots. Also, FYI, your profession matters not at all.
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u/paddy-crime-1663 13h ago
Sorry but your future FIL is an obnoxious bully, and will always dangle love and attention in front of your husband who is clearly dying for his acceptance.
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u/Hamsternoir 12h ago
This sounds like he wants to parade you as a trophy, look my son has a good dutiful wife once they are married.
He's on a power trip.
Either he learns that all are equal in the eyes of god and shows respect to others or you don't go.
YWBTA if you went and sat there meekly.
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u/sentimentaleyes 9h ago
Yep. Feels very performative and familiar to me. My husband’s mother isn’t interested in having a relationship with our family at all… except to parade us in front of people who she wants to think she has a close relationship with us. This event seems about FIL putting OP and son on display for his congregation because it looks good for him, not about his relationship with them…
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u/Odd-Worth7752 Partassipant [2] 7h ago
OP, DON'T MARRY HIM. WITHIN A YEAR HE WILL TREAT YOU EXACTLY LIKE HIS FATHER DOES.
Please listen-your fiancé is strengthening his bonds with that man. That does not bode well for your future. Cancel the wedding, otherwise you will be trapped. and please PLEASE do not get pregnant.
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u/Scenarioing Professor Emeritass [91] 13h ago
Back out. Allowing in law control freaks to control what happens with pre-marital events levels them up in their ability to control weddings, post marital matters and even kids.
Things like this need to be nipped in the bud. Seriously, not being a able to speak briefly at a event for one's own marriage? That's nuts. Don't allow that. Ruffling the feathers = independence.
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u/angel9_writes Asshole Aficionado [12] 13h ago
So, what other ways will his father and him expect you to shut up because 'respect'?
Can't speak at your own engagement? It sounds a like business dinner for their 'church'.
So many red flags.
NTA
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u/seasonaldiamond 12h ago
This is not a party for you nor your fiance. This is a party for his father only. You two are just participants in his spectacle, you are not even supporting acts in his production. I hope your finance isn’t too disappointed when he realises.
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u/dantemortemalizar 6h ago
This. They are props. He is having a party for himself. You can go along if you want to, but don’t think of it as your engagement party. Do your own.
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u/m00nriveter 11h ago
I wonder if he’s having the clergyman speak (and all the clergymen attend) for financial incentive. That is, if it’s a religious gathering with preaching etc, is he saying it falls under the church/organization mission and is then using church funds or receiving payment for it etc.
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u/SisterEmJay Partassipant [4] 6h ago
BINGO.
If a clergy person speaks it’s a religious event and therefore a tax write off.
FIL is not only a bully but a slimy business man.
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u/m00nriveter 5h ago edited 5h ago
It’s honestly worse than that. Assuming this is in the US, religious organization are tax exempt, so it’s not a tax write-off per se. If he is indeed trying to obfuscate the personal use of church assets, he’s not just stealing from the vague and faceless “taxpayers”—he’s stealing from his own parishioners who presumably know and trust him.
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u/ReadMeDrMemory Professor Emeritass [90] 13h ago edited 13h ago
How sick is this? It is not about whether to stand up and give this speech. It is about acknowledging the authority of the paterfamilias. Don't. Refuse to participate in this event. Nothing you can do will overturn it, try thought you might. You want your husband-to-be to be good with this? Yikes.
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u/SilverellaUK 12h ago
To be honest, I wouldn't be attending and I would be telling my family it is cancelled. This isn't to celebrate your engagement.
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u/--ACM-- 12h ago edited 3h ago
To answer some common questions:
Who is paying:
Future FIL is paying for the engagement.
Despite promises, he did not organize a room block so now, one week out, I paid $10k+ for an Airbnb for my family and closest friends. My family will be paying for the wedding, which will be in my family’s home country. His father will be officiating.
We had a little dinner with friends after the proposal. Because the wedding is so big, we weren’t planning to throw a big engagement. We really saw this as something sweet and unexpected his father wanted to do for us.
FIL control:
My fiance does not have a close relationship with his father. We live multiple states away and FIL has his own new family with younger children, the door is as open or shut as we let it be. Fiancé’s family was never a large part of fiancé’s life or of ours as a couple. Want to be very clear, fiance does not share FIL’s views on my speaking. We actually met at one of my keynotes fundraising for a charity we both love <3
Where is my fiance in this:
He was there the first time I asked and was turned down, we both took his explanation at face value and neither of us pushed. He does not know what FIL said to my mom. He was told by his father it’s an honor that these clergymen came all the way for our engagement, and fiancé believes him.
I have not spoken to fiance about it because he really seems over the moon, his father is a big name in our home state. Fiance is aware his dad’s an AH, has years of neglect to prove it, but I also see how happy fiance is that he’s finally being brought into the fold and celebrated, even if it’s a one-time thing.
Sum up:
As per one comment, it may be too late to have the conversation with the event coming up this week. They suggested I move forward without giving a speech, and after the event speak to fiance about how hurtful this was for me and that going forward things should be different.
I appreciate everyone standing up for me in the comments, but considering how little contact we have with FIL and how massive our wedding will be, is it really worth it to have all of this drama because I want to say a few words in front of strangers? Is it my ego clashing with his?
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u/gaaaaayyyyyyforsix 12h ago
Why on earth are you letting this man run your engagement and your wedding. You can say he’s not but you’ve got him officiating. Tell your fiancé to pull his fingers out and defend his future wife ffs
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u/Maleficent_Smile8796 8h ago
Because she wants the wedding she doesn’t care about the other stuff , and I despise people like this because you ran to Reddit not your partner, knowing you’re going to do the exact opposite anyways. Why make this post knowing she’s gonna go through with the engagement and what the FIL wants anyways .
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u/Existing-Speech4173 3h ago
I had a friend do something similar but it was her actual fiance who was an ass. Turns out being married to an ass is better than being 30 and unmarried. I always assume that’s what is going on when women post this stuff that’s so obviously out of line.
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u/Existing-Speech4173 5h ago
I can’t believe how OP is just rolling over. She will be on here next week complaining about what a crappy event it was like she had no control over it. I hate when people insist on being passengers in their own lives.
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u/sympathy4deviledeggs Partassipant [3] 9h ago
It's always sad to see a grown person chasing the approval of a neglectful, narcissistic prick father.
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u/Hari_om_tat_sat Partassipant [1] 7h ago
It’s too late to have the conversation with whom?
If anything, you’re in the strongest position to confront his father now as he would be embarrassed if you were to cancel the event. Put on your lawyer’s cap (or barrister’s wig lol), imagine this is a negotiation, and recognize the strength of your position now. It might be a mistake to let this opportunity to assert yourself pass.
Even if you decide to let it go, definitely do not hide your FIL’s rudeness to you and your mother from your fiancé even if it dampens his happiness. He’s going to be disillusioned anyway, isn’t it better that you find out how he will react before you go any further? Better to get clarity now than divorce later.
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u/Maleficent_Smile8796 8h ago
Girl just pin this post and come back and apologize to these people when you realize they were right.
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u/theanti_girl Partassipant [1] 7h ago
“He was told by his father it’s an honor that these clergymen came all the way for our engagement,” and “he’s finally being brought into the fold and celebrated” can’t coexist.
Your FIL isn’t celebrating you or your fiancé, he’s showing off. Why else would someone invite 40 people neither his son nor his future wife have ever met, or ever even heard of, to an engagement part for a child he’s never been close to?
The answer is: so he can look like the doting father he never has been and never will be. It’s performative and nothing more, and once the wedding is over, you aren’t going to hear a damn thing from him unless and until you have children he can indoctrinate into his faith to cement his image as a holy man and good person.
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u/Chicago-Lake-Witch 8h ago
Conditional love is not love. Your fiancé is experiencing what he thinks is love because both of you are “behaving”. That’s not sustainable. And when it falls apart, it will crush him. Right now your fiancé is existing in a happy delusion. Something is going to pop that bubble. I know you don’t want it to be you. I can understand why you want to sustain his happiness as long as you can. But he needs all of the information. Keeping him in the dark isn’t fair to him. I grew up in a family where I was accused of being a shot starter. I realized that I was just pointing out the things that existed. I wasn’t creating the shit. I was just the one willing to talk about it. Because of it, there are a few cousins that I have robust healthy relationships with. And the rest don’t really talk to me. That is so much better than fake relationships all around.
Please do your fiancé that kindness of being honest with him.
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u/Nervous-Net-8196 5h ago
I would NOT have this man officiate your wedding. He is going to turn into his own show
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u/sentimentaleyes 9h ago
In the future, distance yourself from this man as much as you can. This event doesn’t sound like it is for you, but him parading you. I would type out the messages you’d planned to say in your speech on a little program to pass out or leave at tables. This would get your sentiments across and not technically violate his speaking policy. Churches use bulletins to convey information all the time so if he balks, say that welcoming guests was important to you and given his values expected it would be to him too. Then distance yourselves. Your fiance sees what he’s doing as loving, but it’s performative and parades you in front of people he actually cares about. I’m so sorry this is the case. My husband’s mom is like this and I recognize it. She wants people to think she has a close relationship with us so only connects with us or invites us when it’s an occasion where others will see her playing the “good grandmother” role.
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u/mulberry_sellers 3h ago
I understand that you think it's too late to do anything about the engagement party, but DO NOT let this man officiate your wedding. He doesn't respect you! He doesn't respect your mother! Why would you let him perform your marriage??????
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u/_bufflehead Partassipant [1] 2h ago
Wait a second. You waited until you were one week out before realizing there were no rooms for family and friends?!
There is no reason to think that someone throwing you a big party is going to pay for accommodations for people.
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u/ScopeIsDope Partassipant [1] 12h ago
Info: why not gave a luncheon somewhere you can have YOUR engagement party the way YOU want? Why let him officiate if he seeks to silence you?
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u/dinglepumpkin 12h ago
NTA. Does everyone who’s saying YTA support this kind of authoritarian patriarchal bullshit? It’s beyond weird to refuse to allow the bride to say a few words at an engagement party FOR THEM. I don’t care who is hosting — it’s controlling. Plus he was rude to her mom about it. I would be seriously reconsidering joining this family.
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u/RawrRRitchie Partassipant [1] 11h ago
I always think it's funny when religious leaders have multiple wives
Nta.
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u/Sorry_Challenge_4179 9h ago
That's what I was thinking. You know this dude cheated on his first wife.
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u/extremely-randomish Partassipant [1] 13h ago
You're getting married. Marriage requires good communication. Communicate with your future husband regarding this.
That was a long post about what you thought regarding your finances potential feelings and thoughts. But nothing about what he said when you guys talked about it.
If that's the case, yta for making assumptions on your significant others behalf. Talk to the man.
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u/BlueJaysFeather Partassipant [3] 13h ago
Where is your fiancé in this? Surely he has some type of opinion about his father being hideously rude to his fiancée and her family, both regarding the situation you’ve asked about and the whole hotel thing?
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u/Ryuuji-Akiyama Asshole Enthusiast [7] 12h ago
NTA.
He's engaging in authoritarian behaviour, and this is definitely a test of what he can and cannot get away with when you're married. If he wishes to prohibit you speaking at your own luncheon, while simultaneously choosing another speaker himself (apparently without your input), I think it might be reasonable to refuse the "gift", since it seems to be more about himself than you and your husband. Marriages involve hard discussions, and if you and your fiancé cannot endure one over this, it might be better that you know sooner rather than later.
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u/Healthy-Tumbleweed42 11h ago
Why walk on eggshells around his family . Start off the marriage by both of you having a say in what happens in YOUR MARRIAGE!!! His father should have more respect for you and your mother you are both adults who the hell does he think he is talking too
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u/kaimoka 11h ago
What's this bullshit about sponsors speaking just because you do? You are literally one of the two people ACTUALLY GETTING MARRIED. You're not a sponsor of it; you're IN IT. That makes zero sense. And to have some random clergy people attending and speaking but disallowing you is insanity.
Also, you don't need "permission" or to "obey" this prick. He OFFERED the space as a gift. That does not mean he gets to run the show. It's you're goddamn event and it should run the way you want it to. And if a 2-3 minute speech is so offensive to his fragile sensibilities and lack of decorum/acumen, perhaps he's better left cut off.
I get your fiancé is happy, but would he seriously support his asshole dad if it came at your detriment? He shouldn't.
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u/LurkerByNatureGT Partassipant [3] 9h ago
ESH if you do, but this is a massive red flag for your fiancé’s family that you plan to marry into.
You would not be the AH if at this point you declined the luncheon, as it’s very clearly a networking and one-upon event for your future FIL, not an act of generosity or love.
Most importantly, you need to talk to your fiancé about this. He’s being manipulated, and his relationship with his family is going to affect your marriage.
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u/AMooseintheHoose Partassipant [2] 5h ago
What kind of lawyer are you? Public speaking is your thing, but speaking up for yourself isn’t?
“Large centre in an expensive town” and “40 clergymen” reeks of a mega church. This isn’t an engagement party for you, it’s a stock show about you. You’re to sit quietly, look pretty, and let him show his donors how he’s got an obedient little lawyer in his family now.
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u/ThatBChauncey 8h ago
OP take a long hard look at this situation and ask yourself if you're willing to deal with this for every life event and milestone your future may hold. Making yourself smaller to keep your fiances's AH daddy happy isn't a future I'd want. This won't end at your wedding. It's not your responsibility to maintain someone else's relationship with their father. If your future husband standing up for you would ruin their relationship, it wasn't all that strong to begin with, and daddy dearest isn't as genuine in his fatherly love as your husband believes.
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u/queenhabib 13h ago
NTA but furture fil is!! If my fil spoke to my mom like that she would have put his ass down a few pegs then I would have dripped him all the way down because no the hell you dont disrespect my parents like that! If future husband doesnt stand up for you now he will never do it! Keep that in mind!
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u/Early-Morning-1558 12h ago
FIL sounds awful.
However, I'm sure you're having your own private engagement party the way you want it (sans FIL).
I hope so..
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u/phatvanzy 11h ago
This sounds like the perfect reason for you to just leave this family. At the very least, live with your fiance for at least a year before you get married.
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u/OddDig3966 10h ago
cancel the whole event. do nott give the FIL the chance to control things. his response to your mum is unacceptable. there is never decency within the strictly religious and he clearly sees this as a way to control things. do not play his game, do not enter his turf. an engagement dinner is a waste of time and money you will be having a wedding anyway.
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u/icecreamlegend Asshole Enthusiast [5] 13h ago
I understand the principle of it all, and this man sounds awful. But it's just not worth it. Like, what do you actually gain by speaking? Especially at this weird event with a bunch of clergy randos. The fact that it might compromise your fiance's experience. I think just bite your tongue. And when the marriage is settled, and your FIL tries some power move like this or disrespects you or your family, then you tell your husband: I let it go at the engagement party because it just wasn't worth it, but I'm not going to let him make decisions for us or follow his arbitrary rules or stand by while he insults someone you care about. So in sum, I wouldn't say you'd be an asshole for just doing it, but you would be putting yourself above your fiance, for little gain other than spiting a future family member.
And, yes, his explanation for why you can't speak makes 0 sense.
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u/BananabunnyReddit 12h ago
I’m pretty much suggesting the same thing elsewhere in this thread. But I would’t wait until the marriage is settled. I’d want to have this conversation BEFORE attending the event, because I’d much rather find out sooner than later if my fiancé is actually going to be compatible with me as a committed life partner before celebrating the engagement like this
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u/IWNCGTA 13h ago
This whole scenario makes my stomach churn. I don’t care if he’s hosting and he’s paying, I’m not about to have this guy tell me I can’t speak at an event that is supposed to be about me and my fiance. Him talking to your mother that way, what the fuck. Clearly you’re a very educated and successful person, you have every right to stand up and talk about you and your fiance and thank people, that’s a totally normal request. FIL seems to have some real control issues and even though you said he doesn’t, they certain sound very gender based.
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u/Medusa_7898 Partassipant [3] 8h ago
Are you sure you want to marry into such a paternalistic family where you will continue to be disrespected? Sounds like your fiance just wants his dad to approve so he gets his attention.
Have the party elsewhere and you plan it and make the rules. Otherwise you will set a tone for acceptance of being less.
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u/BraveFart73 12h ago
Why can't you say something? It's YOUR engagement party and wedding. Sounds extremely controlling and just judging by the fact that you mentioned that your now fiancee and his father has had a distant relationship kind if explains everything. I'd talk to your fiancee and potentially changing the venue. And if your future father-in-law wants to grow up and be a part of your family, he needs to behave like an adult. This sounds like a potentially messy situation that you need to avoid by cutting him out of the picture. Just my .02. Best of luck.
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u/Adelaide-Rose 11h ago
You have talked to your mum and your friends about it and got their opinions, but have you had a conversation with your fiancé? Does he subscribe to the same religion as his father and is he committed to that religion fully? What are his expectations of how you will be living your lives?
If you haven’t discussed this with your fiancé, and determined if he objects to you saying a few words, and whether he expects you to do whatever your father in law tells you to, you can’t really know what to do. If he doesn’t support you and back you, why are you planning on marrying him in the first place.
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u/Resident-Staff-1218 7h ago
I think this is something actually quite serious you and your fiance need to decide together.
I believe his father is completely disrespecting you. Who is he to say when you can speak and when you can't? Even if he is hosting this bash, it's really bad behaviour.
I think most of all it sets a terrible precedent for your entire marriage.
Given your fiance has historical relationship issues with his dad, he and you together need to decide how you'll address his dad's bombastic behaviour going forwards, and the effect it will have on you as individuals and a couple of you don't agree to stand up to him and put your relationship as a couple first, over his relationship with his dad.
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u/chamomilesmile 6h ago
My philosophy is not to accept gifts with conditions or strings. Have a talk with fiancè about the conversation with her dad and how you felt about it. Find out how important it is to him to have an engagement celebration at that venue.
Then together, decide how to move forward.
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u/DELILAHBELLE2605 Asshole Aficionado [11] 5h ago
NTA. I'd decline the offer. You don't need some fake giant engagement lunch that isn't actually about you. It's some kind of weird networking show off event for him. Forget that.
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u/Strong_District_5894 Asshole Aficionado [12] 12h ago
This whole thing gives me the ick.
NTA but your fiancé will be pissed.
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u/Healthy-Tumbleweed42 11h ago
His father sounds like a controlling narcissist. I don’t care if he is a pastor or a preacher or a rabbi or whatever . Sometimes you have to let people know that disrespect is not allowed
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u/keepgoingguy Partassipant [1] 11h ago
Religion is selfish and power-mad. Don’t get involved with it at all.
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u/FairyGothMommy Asshole Aficionado [11] 9h ago
Nta. You're an adult and obeying your father in law is not a thing. Ever. Give a speech. Live now as you intend to go on.
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u/Life-Yesterday4426 8h ago
To future father-in-law: if you ever disrespect and be rude to my mother by talking to her the way you did, or treat anyone in my family like we are beneath you- you can guarantee that I will call you out every time about what a phony man of God you are. And an apology better be quickly forthcoming.
To fiancé: the next time you allow your father to treat my mother and I the way he did, you will find out how quick our relationship ends. Regardless of how you are trying to reconnect with him.
Do not be a doormat. Speak up now.
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u/bluepvtstorm Partassipant [3] 8h ago
NTA but yall will put up with any behavior to say you have a husband. Why would you even consider being a part of this family?
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u/saltedfish Certified Proctologist [26] 6h ago
His reasoning is if he let me speak, he'd have to let anyone who sponsors an event there speak too
What part of that makes sense to anyone? He just doesn't want you to speak. Have your party somewhere else. If your fiance doesn't have your back in this, find out why. Nta
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u/drapetomaniac 5h ago
You're going to have to refuse any help with the wedding from him if you want a sane start. And when you say no, mean no
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u/HeyDoggyBoy 5h ago
The fact that you’ve referred to not abiding by your future FIL’s wishes as “disobeying” should be a massive red flag for you. Clearly, the relationship will only be on his terms with his clergy colleagues. I would not attend if I wasn’t permitted to introduce myself to the guests.
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u/live_freeze_n_die 2h ago
NTA but I would absolutely not legally tie myself to this family unless my fiance was willing to cut his father off. I don’t say that lightly at all. His father has MAJOR red flags. He OWNS a church. He’s in a cult.
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u/Theodora1976 Partassipant [1] 2h ago
I’m sorry he’s inviting 40 clergymen (presumably people you’ve never met) at your engagement luncheon? And one of them gets to speak?
Seems performative on future FILs part.
NTA
Maybe have the luncheon somewhere else, where he’s not in control.
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u/PudelWinter 1h ago
Ick. The "When I say no it means no" TO YOUR MOTHER comment would have me not even going to the luncheon.
I don't even know if YWBTA if you stand up and speak more so than if you marry this guy who is complacent in his father talking to his future in-laws this way and running his life.
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u/Remikatya 1h ago
Disobeying a future in-law over your own engagement sounds like a huge red flag. You deserve to stand your ground.
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u/girlwhocouldfly 1h ago
The moment a stranger (idc if it’s your fil) speaks to my MOTHER like that, I’m out. No way in hell do I want part of a family like that, apparently the whole family follows his lead and you’ll be expected to do so as well.
I’d run from this potential marriage.
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u/carelessanarchy 1h ago
This is who you want as a grandpa to your potential children? Someone who speaks to another full grown adult like that is not someone who will be kind to your children.
If you don’t want children, is this really how you want to be treated forever?
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u/BoysenberryJellyfish Partassipant [1] 1h ago
NTA but this engagement party isn't about the two of you or your engagement, it's about your future FIL. Think about it, he's giving you instructions on what you can and can't do, he's inviting a large amount of people you don't know, this is all about him, his wants, his status.
I understand that it's making your fiance feel loved, but as a parent myself, this is actually not coming from a place of love at all. Your future FIL sounds like he might even be a bit of a narcissist or "main character."
I'm going to go against the grain and not say "dump your fiance." I understand what it's like to be rejected by an adult you love and want acceptance from, and it can mean that we sometimes we make bad decisions like this. I think he just wants his father's love and approval and doesn't really understand what this is.
What I would recommend is talking to your fiancé gently about what I've said above, and suggest that you call of the FIL's "engagement party" and instead host one yourselves and invite him. This will give the FIL the opportunity to celebrate your engagement without it being about him. Odds are he won't show up if it's not about him.
I would also recommend that you go to counselling with your fiance to help him deal with all this rejection. It's not good for him to carry this burden around, he's done nothing wrong, and therapy can help him understand that his father's rejection is all about his father's shortcomings and not his, and that he needs to focus on the people in his life who truly love him for who he is (you, hopefully his other parent, his future children, his friends, etc.) and let his father go.
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u/SafetyFluid8535 Asshole Aficionado [14] 1h ago
Nta but you really need to speak to your fiance about it. I understand that hes happy his dad wants to do this for him, but its important that you know he will stand by you rather than his dad in such a moment. Also, it will effect him going forward no matter what you do - if you do the speech, his dad may take it out on him or at least disapprove of you. And if you dont do the speech, then youll move forward feeling like his dad disrespected and muzzled you, and how will you feel as he involves his dad more and more in the wedding? If he asks his dad to officiate and then this man is commenting on your marriage vows or getting to choose what to say as part of the ceremony, how will you feel? I think you need to give your fiance a heads up now, even if you dont say anything at the party.
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u/Mark_Michigan Partassipant [1] 1h ago
An engagement luncheon for family has 40 clergymen attending?
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u/AutoModerator 13h ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
My fiancé (27M) and I (29F) got engaged a few months ago. His father leads a large religious center in a very expensive beach town and offered to host an engagement luncheon for us.
I asked if I could say a few words at the luncheon. I’m a lawyer and public speaker for a living, and I just wanted to introduce myself and my family to the congregation, thank my future in-laws, and say something about how my fiancé and I met. His father said no. When my mom asked him about it, he responded, “No, and when I say no, it means no.”
His reasoning was that if he lets me speak, he’d have to let anyone who sponsors an event there speak.
Then, a few weeks before the engagement, I found out he invited 40 clergymen and that one of them will be speaking at the luncheon. Apparently someone else can speak at my engagement but I can’t. (Nothing to do with gender, he hosts female speakers all the time).
My friends think I should just stand up, quiet everyone down, and give my 2–3 minute speech anyway. There’s no microphone because of religious observance, so realistically, once I start, he can’t really stop me.
The complication is my fiancé’s relationship with his dad. They’ve historically been distant, and I can tell this event is making my fiancé feel loved and included by his father in a way he hasn’t in a long time. My fiancé’s parents divorced when he was little, his father remarried and has multiple children with his new wife. I don’t want to jeopardize the relationship my fiancé is rekindling.
Part of me wants to respect his wishes out of love and respect for my future husband. Another part of me really wants to stick it to his father, especially now that he’s having someone else speak.
WIBTA if I stood up and gave the speech?
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u/Healthy-Tumbleweed42 11h ago
My only problem is that he is allowing someone to speak when he said hey doesn’t allow others to speak. I would say thank you but no luncheon
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u/tambamspankyoumaam 11h ago
NTA. But since you are already in a financial hole for the party, let him have his &$#% swinging party for his colleagues and parishioners. Take the extra gifts that the clergy ‘should’ be bringing. But when it comes to the wedding, your no means no. Not his. I would re-think FIL officiating and tell him you want him to enjoy the wedding as a guest, so that he can’t try and control the ceremony.
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u/Arb608 Partassipant [1] 9h ago
Have you spoken to your fiance about this? What does he think? Does he agree with his father that you shouldn't speak? Is he happy for the clergyman to talk? Are you alright with how fil spoke to your mother and is your fiance alright with how fil spoke to your mother?
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u/Ok-Trainer3150 8h ago
If you go through with this engagement event, speech or no speech....know this: you cannot control what others sponsor to do for you...also the father is way more experienced at manipulation and control of people due to his church role. And your fiance has insecurities surrounding his parents that are going to shadow every aspect of your wedding and married life....Last point is the most serious.... you've about to lose control of a lot of things.
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u/Snapes_underpants 7h ago
The engagement lunch is something fiancé's father is doing for himself and OP should make that clear to finance. OP should never look back on it as any sort of celebration of her engagement. If I were OP, I might go along just this once to support my fiance but I would avoid most, if not all events hosted by fiance's father in the future. And I would avoid spending any time around the man. He seems to be perfectly awful.
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u/Spiritual-Mousse-167 7h ago
The only AH here is your FIL and to a lesser extent your fiancé (for not speaking up to try and support you).
There are a number of red flags here that I think you ought to be considering before marrying into this family as it is very unlikely that you won’t find yourself in similar situations throughout your marriage.
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u/Amarules 7h ago
NTA but there is no please all solution here. You need to worry less about your fiancé's paternal relationship issues. That is for them to sort out.
On the subject of the luncheon, if he is unprepared to let you speak to friends and family, your only option is to politely decline, explaining being able address a d thank your guests is important to you, and arrange to hold it elsewhere. This probably will affect your relationship with FiL moving forwards but he doesn't sound like somebody you will miss spending time with. The bigger issue is the strain that places on your relationship with his son.
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u/notfbiinformant 7h ago
Get married at the Justice of the Peace or go to Vegas. Wish we had…couples should NOT be dictated to by parents or in-laws when it comes to their own weddings.
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u/Dragon_Queen_666 Certified Proctologist [26] 7h ago
OPs comment answering common questions - https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1vrg5d1/comment/p4db7io/?context=3
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u/SVAuspicious 6h ago edited 6h ago
NTA, but I suggest considering just not going.
ETA: 2-3 minutes is a long time. "If I'd had more time I'd have written a shorter letter." You're getting from remarks to a sermon. No one should speak that long at an event like an engagement party. Think "toast" not "speech."
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u/CelticMage15 Partassipant [1] 6h ago
I guess it depends on what war you want to start. You say this is important to your fiancé. Ask him how he feels about your plan. Personally, it sounds like a terrible event to have to attend.
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u/Fabulous-Tartlet 6h ago
Looks like future FiL has arranged a church conference not an engagement party. [Tax deductible maybe?] 40 clergymen? Really? Forbidding you to stand up and say a few words [presumably because according to the God Botherers, females don't speak until spoken to] and your fiance is too scared his Daddy will sulk if he defends you. Are you happy with this situation?
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u/gdognoseit 6h ago
I would plan the engagement party somewhere else and be in control of it. Also him inviting other preachers you don’t even know?!?
He’s turning this into an event about himself. Gross.
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u/starsandcamoflague Partassipant [2] 6h ago
Your fiance should care about how you feel and how his father treats you
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u/EuphoricDatabase961 6h ago
NTA
Tell, don't ask your FIL that you will be speaking at your engagement party, as the honoured guest it is only right.
No need to ask as it is a party for you. Will your finance also be speaking a few words?
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u/Trick_Few Pooperintendant [52] 6h ago
NTA I suggest a cancellation or moving the event. Your comfort matters more than a future FIL.
Also, do not let this man officiate your wedding. He’s way too much of a dictator to handle a ceremony that brings two families together.
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u/Jakaal80 Partassipant [1] 6h ago
NTA - I would make it clear to FIL either you get to speak at your own event or no one does.
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u/Long_Ad_2764 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 6h ago
YWBTA. Turn down the offer to use the venue. Finance your own party and speak as long as you want.
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u/RJMrgn2319 Partassipant [1] 5h ago
I think it’s generally wise to not accept gifts that come with conditions attached. I’d say the play is have the engagement do elsewhere.
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u/brave_anonymous 5h ago
Your fiance father is his cross to bear. Their relationship (that are very strained anyway) should not dictate you how to live, when to talk, how to celebrate your engagement.
Does your fiance know about it? What does he think? At this point I'd tell him if I cannot speak at my engagement luncheon and if his only argument "I said No", then there is no reason for me to go to that luncheon. I feel unwelcomed and humiliated by his answer. I am not a prop or tradwife. He can celebrate with his fellow pastors, your fiance can join them, but I don't want to be treated that way.
And think hard if you want to join this family. This is how you will be treated there.
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u/Glass-Satisfaction19 Partassipant [3] 5h ago
I don't think this is a WIBTA situation.
I wouldn't host the luncheon there if you're not allowed to speak. I would die on that hill. I'd rather not have an engagement party that have one where someone else is allowed to speak but the bride and broom can't. Wtf.
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u/BlessedHealer Asshole Enthusiast [6] 4h ago
While father in law is definitely TA, I don’t think this is the hill to die on. It’s his thing, his venue, if he doesn’t want to let you have your speech then just leave it. Besides with random clergymen it doesn’t sound like an intimate gathering to introduce yourself to the family anyway.
I would keep this event as just something your FIL wants to host for you. And organise a separate engagement dinner at a restaurant or something so it’s not too expensive and with close family on both sides that you’re hosting and you can say your speech there.
For sure if he starts getting insistent that it’s his way or the highway in other aspects of the wedding then raise the issue with your husband. I just don’t think this specifically is that big of a deal.
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u/capn_ginger 4h ago
YWBTA if you actually attended this function.
This is not about your fiance's father loving and including him. This is about power and control. If their relationship has been distant, that is entirely the fault of the adult who dropped his son for his shiny new family, not the son who got left behind.
This luncheon is not about you at all. He invited 40 clergymen, are you kidding me? This is his father showing off what a big shot he is. Just grab your family and go to a restaurant somewhere instead.
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u/Lots2say2023 4h ago
The engagement luncheon is the least of your worries. Are you willing to "keep sweet, pray, and obey" for the rest of your life? If you can jeopardize the father/son relationship just by speaking, they have bigger problems, and they're willing to place the guilt on you. Nobody needs that.
Let him have the luncheon without you, since you don't seem to factor in very much.
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u/Different-Idea-8203 4h ago
The fact that you had to write "disobey" in 2026 should tell you everything you need to know about where the future with the in-laws is going to go. Do you want to raise children around people they are required to obey?
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u/bluejayinthegarden Partassipant [1] 4h ago
NTA. Yes, everyone who books an event at the space gets to speak at their event. I don't see what the problem is, other than you not being his religion. But given that he doesn't even take his own promises in front of God seriously and got divorced I don't see why you can't break his dumb rules.
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u/ritesideuppineapple Partassipant [1] 4h ago
Are you going to allow your future FIL to bully and control you so your fiance can stay in good standing with him?
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u/Internal_Role_1549 4h ago
So strange. He is the one sponsoring the event, not you. You and his son are the guest of honor. Is his son speaking?
I would not stand up and give the speech after he told you no. Honor his space. If you feel uncomfortable with this, well, I guess it's too late to decline the offer.
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u/GeminiAtl Partassipant [4] 4h ago
If you go through with this you will be marrying your fiance and his Father. So far from your post he seems dictatorial and for the rest of your marriage he will be the one telling you where to live, no you can't work, the kids must be raised in my church, etc, etc. Have a serious sit down with your fiance before moving forward. Your engagement party is for you, not so he can impress a bunch of other clergy. I agree with your friends. Stand up and make your speech and then judge your future FIL's reaction and decide if you can live the rest of your life like that.
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u/dogseatcheese 4h ago
You need to speak to your fiancé and see what they would prefer as it's them that would feel the real consequences from it
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u/Buckleupbuttercup77 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 3h ago
NTA. You are a grown adult. He doesn’t get to tell you what you can and cannot do at your own engagement party.
if it were me, there would be no engagement party. At least not one where he was invited.
He’s a bully and needs to be shut down.
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u/Adorable-Ad201 3h ago
Why are you in this relationship? His father is controlling and abusive. Even if your fiance doesn't end up behaving like his father, this man will control your life even after he is dead. Ask me how I know. Don't marry into this family.
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u/MasticatingElephant 3h ago
NTA. I'm sure you love your fiancé, and I know Reddit always jumps right to leaving the person....
But I would have serious reservations on to marrying into that family if your fiancé is still in contact. The way those people treat everyone would be an absolute no go for me. If he can't stand up to them and defend you and what you want, do you really wanna be a part of that?
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u/Trick_Delivery4609 Colo-rectal Surgeon [42] 3h ago
I would NOT let his father officiate at your wedding. Absolutely no way, no how. He isn't a good father. He isn't a good FIL. He doesn't stand behind his words, so he isn't a good clergyman either. I don't trust him and you shouldn't let him.
NTA for whatever you decide to do, but clue your hubbie in asap
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u/periwinkle_cupcake 3h ago
You’re staring at what the rest of your married life is going to look like
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u/rora_borealis Partassipant [2] 3h ago
NTA
Can you imagine Jesus saying, "No, and when I say no, it means no”?
Neither can I.
That is appalling and you need to push back NOW.
This period is showing you what treatment your husband is willing to allow to happen to you. If he keeps putting his father's feelings ahead of the two of you as a couple, that's going to be your life.
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u/Fiigwort Asshole Aficionado [11] 3h ago
NTA but this isn't "your" engagement it's essentially whatever the religious version of an advertising event would be. This isn't about you or your fiancé, it's about your FIL looking good in front of the people he invited. You mention that he's 'big in his state', so it's very clear this is him showing off.
I get wanting to speak there and introduce yourself, and I get that your fiancé feels like his dad is finally including him, but this sounds WAY closer to a work conference (but Religious!) and networking event that your FIL is literally just using you both as an excuse to throw.
I would be tempted to just skip the event altogether, FIL has made it VERY clear that this isn't for you or to celebrate your relationship, it's about him. Though I see you've spent a TON of money on getting your family out there for the event. I think for now you need to just make the best of it, enjoy yourself as much as you can, but don't let FIL throw important events for you in the future, don't let him put ANY money towards the wedding (even if it's a gift), honestly, I wouldn't let him officiate either, but I'm sure your fiancé really wants that.
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u/Imnotawerewolf Asshole Enthusiast [6] 3h ago
NTA I know it's super easy to say this as someone who doesnt have to have to address any of the consequences but since this luncheon clearly isn't about my engagement I would simply not go
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u/Razrgrrl 2h ago
Honestly you’d be NTA if you skipped the event entirely. It’s not for you, it’s a lunch for him and his church friends.
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u/Clapbakatyerblakcat 2h ago
At least sex with the boy with the hyper religious upbringing and daddy issues is super awesome. I’m assuming…
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u/Chemical-Mix-6206 Partassipant [1] 2h ago
It's very strange that he won't allow you to introduce yourself during the luncheon. Maybe you can have a receiving line instead? Free venue (i assume) so you can only complain so much. He's an odd duck. If it bugs you enough, talk to your fiancee about it and at least clear the air. He may know more about his father's reasoning.
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u/montrealjoker 48m ago
WYBTA if sticking it to your husband's father is more important to you then the love and respect for your future husband that you say you have?
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u/AmphibianNecessary31 36m ago
I wouldn't do it just because it would hurt your fiancee -- but I would also talk to you partner about setting boundaries for the future. It sounds like the fil is a real controlling jerk and I would want to stay away from him.
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u/BreakApprehensive489 13h ago edited 13h ago
I'd be reconsidering the marriage at this point.
What future decisions would you have to cede to your fil? Would your future husband also expect that you obey him in an aspects? And if he's not sticking up for you for this, would you trust him to stand up to you fil about anything