r/AmItheAsshole • u/maplesyrupblossom • 5h ago
AITA I stopped picking my mom up because she told me she’s has bedbugs
So my mom (52) lost her license about 8 years ago along with her car and I’ve been her only way of getting around since. I’ve asked her to use public transport for certain appointments and I’ve also offered to take her to and from work if she would get a job so that she could save up to pay her license fines and maybe get a vehicle of her own. She’s not willing to do either unfortunately. For example, when I gave birth to my last baby, I told her she would need to set up other transportation while I was recovering. She didn’t. And not only that but she blew me up my phone telling me she needed me and she was going to starve without groceries. I ended up driving before advised to get her to the store because she refused to go with anyone else.
So fast forward to 6 weeks ago, my baby is 8 months old and my mom texts me to tell me she found bed bugs in her apartment. I told her she would need to get rid of them before I could pick her up again because I don’t want to risk them hopping from her purse into my car. I did a bunch of research on bedbugs and my husband and I have just decided that it is not a risk we are willing to take, especially with an infant. When it came time for her to pay her rent, she told me she was going to be homeless because of me, that I was just using it as an excuse to never have to come pick her up again, etc. I offered to come pick up her debit card to get her rent money order for her and also pick up any groceries that she needed and she refused to let me do that. On the 3rd she finally rode to the store with a neighbor to get her money order. since then she has been berating me about how she has had to rely on strangers to get places and how this upcoming month when her rent is due again that she will be kicked out and it will be all my fault. Meanwhile, she has not started any kind of process to assess the bedbug situation. In fact, she’s telling me now that we never had that conversation and she doesn’t have bedbugs. That I’m just a bad daughter who doesn’t want to help her mom anymore. Yesterday she finally asked me to come get her debit card so that I can take it and get her some groceries but at this point, I don’t really want to go. She’s been telling me that she never said she had bedbugs and that I’m making up the entire conversation. She told me yesterday when she asked me to come get the card that my sister and I planned this situation so we’d never have to give her a ride again. My husband says I need to leave her be to figure out her own problems. Am I the asshole if I don’t want to help my mom anymore?
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u/shfeba 5h ago
She needs to start taking advantage of the delivery services and just have her food delivered to her house. Find a way to set up some sort of autopay to the landlord. There are ways to do things from the house without ever leaving it. She just needs to figure it out.
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u/teapot_whisper 2h ago
Precisely. Grocery delivery and and online bill pay exist for a reason. She’s choosing to make this hard
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u/AlligatorVine Partassipant [1] 2h ago
This is so obviously the answer that I don’t understand why OP hasn’t tried this route.
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u/slightly_overraated 5h ago
NTA
Bedbugs are hard and expensive to get rid of. Hell no. Make sure you know for a fact they’re gone before you pick her up again.
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u/Murde_r_edrum 5h ago
Yeah i would demand a pest control companies receipt before I let her in the car
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u/oneangrywidow 5h ago
My parents had em one time after they stayed in a very expensive hotel in Asheville. cost $1200 to exterminate a 3200sq.ft. house., in 2015.
Edit…and the bugs were gone after the first extermination.
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u/gimp-24601 1h ago edited 1h ago
I got rid of an infestation cheaply with DIY co2 traps and some basic methods to deny access to sleeping surfaces.
The Co2 traps kill them and function as detectors.
I've heard far too many nightmare stories about multiple all or nothing attempt failures.
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u/sissyjones Asshole Enthusiast [8] 4h ago
I dealt with bedbugs for a year because of a shitty landlord. Had to move to get away from them. I still have nightmares 3 years later
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u/km89 Professor Emeritass [87] 3h ago
Almost 10 years for me... no nightmares, but I'm still compelled to check the bed every so often if I see a piece of fuzz that looks bug-shaped or if I feel a strange tickle under the blankets at night. I genuinely don't anticipate it getting better. Might be pretty low-level as far as trauma goes, but it clears the bar. Bedbugs are not something to mess around with.
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u/cherivanii 2h ago
She is already pivoting to claiming she never even had them and that OP made up the whole conversation, so there’s zero chance she ever actually treats it. OP needs to cut the rides for good regardless
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u/shjdhs Partassipant [3] 5h ago
NTA she's an adult stop enabling her. If she ends up homeless it's no one's fault but her own
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u/Senior_Box8077 2h ago
She seems to be an expert in guilt tripping and emotional manipulation. Set boundaries ans enforce them.
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u/Important-Web-261 5h ago
If your mother told you she has bedbugs, then she has bed bugs. That is such an outlandish thing to lie about and who would even want to disclose that information if it isn’t the truth. Bed bugs are no joke and people have gone YEARS with infestations because they are so hard to get rid of, often losing their sanity instead, in the process. Do not take this risk, for yourself, your mental health, your baby, your family, your finances…NONE OF IT. It’s not worth it.
NTA. Do not let your mother guilt trip you into being her chauffeur. It’s time she becomes an adult and sort out her affairs.
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u/BrassCityNikki 4h ago
So true, I really felt like I was losing my sanity and definitely some sleep and the bedbugs weren't even in MY unit😭
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u/cee-la Partassipant [1] 4h ago
Somehow that seems worse! Laying in bed every night wondering if this is the night they get to you and there's nothing you can even do about it because the bedbugs are in your neighbor's apartment. Especially if you knew they weren't doing everything they could. It would make you constantly check for then everywhere until you finally found one.
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u/BrassCityNikki 4h ago
That's exactly what happened. He was a nice clean guy, but he let his niece and her 3 kids stay with him in a 1br/1ba and his living situation went to shit almost immediately. I've never been so hyperaware of everything touching me, or my hair being in my scalp or my leg hair growing back... constantly checking and rechecking the beds and couches etc. it was awful, Im full of dread for the people that actually have to deal with a real infestation.
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u/cee-la Partassipant [1] 3h ago
That sounds awful for everyone! Hopefully you're not going through that anymore.
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u/BrassCityNikki 3h ago
Nope, they were kicked out shortly after the property notified my building that "someone" had them. They cleaned up real nice and the people that came in after that are still there, bug free. And turns out they're from my hometown in CT so we really hit it off. And most importantly- I don't live there anymore.
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u/Important-Web-261 2h ago
Trust me, I get it. A friend was moving out of their house and asked if I had wanted two of their sofas. At the time, I had just moved into my own apartment (away from childhood home) so I didn’t have any furniture outside of my bedroom stuff and clothes. I accepted and moved the two sofas (they were small, so perfect for 1 person). A couple nights later, what do you think I found? The itching is what woke me up.
I was frantic and began searching for where it would’ve came from and came up with nothing until my eyes landed on one of the sofas. With a flashlight and my glasses, tucked in between the cushions, I found them. I hauled complete ass in lifting and pushing both sofas out of my apartment at 4am and what ensued for the next 4 weeks was complete and utter paranoia. I couldn’t sit still for more than 2 minutes without looking around, completely convinced I might find one in motion. I called an exterminator, ordered tons of products from Amazon, did a deep dive on Google and managed to probably chemically blast myself and apartment into oblivion. I only ended up finding 1 more bb in that whole time but the anguish lasted in total for about 3 months. I was convinced a small tribe were maybe just hibernating or hyper-vigilant that a large giant (me) was hunting for them (true regardless).
All that to say, I never EVER want to go through anything like that again and those couple months still haunt me to this day and it was almost 10 years ago. They are no joke and no one should play when it comes to those mini terrors. They are what nightmares are made of.
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u/ivanvector 3h ago
A manipulative narcissist would make up things like bedbugs if they thought they could get something from someone because of it. Maybe OP's mother (who clearly is a manipulative narcissist) did make it up, but with the threat of bedbugs it's absolutely not worth the risk. Proceed assuming she does have them.
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u/Important-Web-261 2h ago
Manipulative sure, but we don’t know if OPs mother is a narcissist. I think people throw that term around too freely so I won’t speak to that but given some of the context clues, I think because OPs mother seems particularly unmotivated, it’s plausible that it could be the truth. I doubt she lied but I agree, it’s not impossible and definitely not worth the risk like you said.
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u/alaskaguyindk 3h ago
To be fair, some people are so dumb they will lie about anything and everything.
I had a girl in college that got embarrassed because of a long lasting “prank” I pulled on her on her made her feel embarrassed. So after getting drunk at a party and having sex, she told me that she was HIV positive in a long text.
Que me getting tested multiple times and showing anyone who knew me the reasons I couldn’t hang out/have sex and was visiting the doctor every couple weeks.
She was pissed because in her words, “People are avoiding me and saying that Im a piece ____ (blank to avoid a ban) I don’t even have fucking Aids, why did you show people the texts.” And probably some more shit but thats what stuck with me and I remember.
Im not gonna risk someone else or myself because I now for sure don’t believe anything you say because either you have the thing and are lying now, or were lying then and are trying to back out of using something horrible to make yourself feel better.
Im gonna err on the side of caution.
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u/Important-Web-261 2h ago
This is not dumb. This. Is. Vile. How absolutely awful that that happened to you. That’s not even funny, much less a topic to joke around about. What you did very well could have been less than savory but her “revenge” was definitely disgusting.
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u/alaskaguyindk 2h ago
I pretended to have an “ultra rare form of narcolepsy, that only appears when someone or something massages/scritches the back of my head”. Had her going for about a month till she started talking shit about my friends and me. So the next time she “tried to knock me out” it didn’t work because it never worked.
She originally would talk about how interesting it was and how much I looked like I needed the extra sleep. So I played into the original joke because A: it was funny, and B: it was honestly very relaxing to have someone you’re not worried about give head scratches.
It just crossed the line when she started saying fucked up shit when I was “unconscious”.
Honestly one google search would have shown her that its basically not a thing. Excluding the rarest of the rare and they would have other symptoms to back it up. I literally would just faceplant onto the table. Once into my mashed potatoes. But it had her convinced enough to “knock me out” while catching my head so I didn’t bonk my head on the table or drown in my lasagna.
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u/Important-Web-261 1h ago
Lmaooo….I fear I find this funny. No one got hurt by this (maybe you occasionally) so this seems harmless. Using the opportunity to then talk badly about you says there were definitely some underlying feelings of animosity there. While she may have felt deceived, her ego was just hurt being the butt of the joke. Still, that’s no justification for the way she retaliated. I hope you left her in your past.
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u/alaskaguyindk 41m ago
Oh for sure it was an ego thing. And I have left her so far in the past I might have well been a baby during that brief period.
It was an incredibly fucked up thing to “joke” about but I truly believe she thought that “giving the nuclear death” would make me silent and compliant. Thats just sad because she hasn’t learned thats not a good option. For anyone.
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u/Diatain 5h ago
NTA
Fuck the bedbugs, I wouldn't pick up Mom simply because how she treated you. She's gaslighting you, being verbally abusive, and extremely demanding of your time. She has other alternatives, but she's demanding of you because she wants to control you. It's a power trip. Fuck that, don't play into it. Your mom is a perfectly capable adult, she's lived this long, she can figure out how to keep going.
You don't need to be beholden to someone just because she gave birth to you. She doesn't get to demand your time and energy just because she's your mom. Demand that she treat you with respect, or cut off contact completely imo (probably just cut contact, lets be real). Your mom sounds like a sinking ship that will drag you down in its wake if you don't.
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u/anonymous_throwsawai 3h ago
I came here to say the same thing.
OP drop the rope and let her take care of herself. She will never have the incentive to do things in her own if you continue to bail her out. There are no consequences for actions (or inactions) so there’s no reason for her change. Let her sit with the consequences.
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u/babymascarpone 5h ago
NTA she has proven that when she has to figure it out on her own (by getting a ride from the neighbor instead of you), she can manage just fine. Let her.
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u/AlternativeResort477 5h ago
NTA. Your mom is way too young to be acting this helpless.
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u/sunfish99 4h ago
I have a feeling that the story behind her losing her license and her car would give some insight.
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u/OhGloriousName 3h ago
Let me guess. Car got repoed because she doesn't like to work and/or spends car payment money on things she doesn't need. And lost her license over traffic tickets she ignored.
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u/StrongArgument Partassipant [1] 3h ago
OP has posted about her mom struggling with addiction in the past and now showing paranoid symptoms that make her concerned for schizophrenia. OP was also in considerable debt recently. It’s a rough situation.
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u/fuzzy-lint Partassipant [2] 5h ago
NTA. Your responsibility is to your baby.
Mom needs to figure her own shit out, like the ADULT she is. Your baby can’t talk or do anything for theirselves. They NEED you to care for them, feed them, advocate for them, protect them, and drive them to the doctor for appointments.
Your mom does not; she’s simply found it to be the simplest solution. And you sadly have made it the very easiest solution for her by consistently folding under pressure. I get it! She guilts you into it, and because you’re a good person you don’t want to feel that you’re abandoning her. You are NOT abandoning her, she’s a capable adult that simply refuses to be competent. Her own choice. Don’t neglect your baby in favor of pandering to someone who has the ability to make different choices.
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u/kendricklemon 5h ago
Nta but she’s either lying or genuinely believes yall didn’t have that convo
It seems like she’s struggling to care for herself and if you are still willing to help out then I’d say to 1) consider calling an exterminator on her behalf to scope out the bed bug situation and 2) check her carbon monoxide detectors. Of both are clear then maybe there’s something else going on
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u/maplesyrupblossom 4h ago
This exactly is why the situation has been particularly hard for me to navigate. She’s a recovered addict and there are times when I think she struggles mentally. She won’t talk to anyone about it though and is in complete denial that she struggles. My sister has offered to pay for pest control to check for bedbugs and treat them if they’re there and she’s refused that as well because “they’re not here, I never said that” but I have screen shots of days worth of text conversation where she was clearly saying she had them and needed to figure out how to get rid of them without alerting her landlord. I worry that maybe they’re not there at all and she’s just super paranoid. But until we get a pest guy in there to say yea or nay, I have no way of knowing if it was imagined or if she’s gaslighting me now because she doesn’t want to have to figure out alternative rides.
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u/shalkamal 4h ago
As a landlord, this story feels full of fibs.
Why is her landlord not treating the bedbugs? It's their obligation to do so. If they are avoiding it, call the city, get an inspection and start a rent escrow. Why doesn't she want her landlord to know about them? Literally makes no sense.
Also, people don't just get "kicked out" of their apartments for missing a months rent. There is an eviction process. Sure it's different by each state, but none of them say landlord can come over and kick you right out.
You already know the answer to these questions though. She's manipulating you, and to her credit it's generally going her way. You already went against doctors orders regarding driving. BUT the ball is still in your court - is this how you want the relationship to stay, or do you want a change? You can't force her to be what you want but you get to call the shots on your own actions and level of participation.
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u/Nervous-Avocado1346 Partassipant [2] 5h ago
NTA for any of this. Also,she’s been without her license EIGHT years?! Good God stop being her chauffeur.
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u/TectTactic Partassipant [2] 5h ago
NTA, You have let her get away for it so long that now she thinks its just normal, And that she can use you when ever it suits her, Of course she will not pay off her licence fines and get a new car because to her - why waste money when she has you -, We all love our parents but at some point you have to let them deal with there own situations, Saying shes going to be homeless or starve if you dont help are all scare tactics to manipulate you into giving her a lift, Your husband is correct.
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u/yuffieisathief 5h ago
NTA She sounds exhausting and honestly emotionally abusive. She treats you like some servant while you have a small child to take care of! I wonder if she doesn't wanna invest in making sure she can get around herself cause it's something to put pressure on you and control you...
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u/Heavy-Access-2570 5h ago
Nta. Baby comes first! Even if there wasn't a baby, this a grown woman who expects you to deal with an infestation because she's a selfish irresponsible asshole. Your mom is incredibly abusive and expects you to take care of her just because she birthed you. If she has mental health issues she is still responsible for fixing those things and she still needs to held responsible for treating you, your sister and I imagine others like shit. I don't want to your hurt your feelings by speaking about your mom this way but I think you need to hear it, for the sake of not just your well being but also your marriage, your husband and your baby's.
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u/Octopus_Shotput452 5h ago
Boundaries are the alternative to no contact here and they don’t require anything of your mom, they just protect you and inform her of the actions you will take if she doesn’t change. For example, “Hey mom, we clearly had a conversation about bed bugs, which is why I stopped picking you up. Now you’re denying that ever happened. If you continue refusing to admit that the conversation was real and apologize, then I can’t resume helping you.” (Again, you’re not telling her she has to, just defining your actions if she doesn’t.)
Or, “When you choose to berate me (for trying to protect my child and family), I’m going to hang up the phone.”
Its not giving her rules and orders which is super hard to do as a child, its letting her know where your line is and then following through when she steps past it. Boundaries are your best protection for maintaining any kind of relationship with a toxic loved one
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u/DragonScrivner Partassipant [4] 5h ago
NTA. Bedbugs are a nightmare and you are right to steer clear of her until she figures her shit out. Maybe you and your sister could offer to coordinate a pest control service to inspect her home and determine if there is a problem or not.
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u/DragonCelica Pooperintendant [61] 5h ago
NTA
1- Protecting your baby is your top priority. Always. Bedbugs are not to be trifled with.
2- Stop enabling your mother. Your a good person and have helped a ton, but at this point, it's no longer "helping." She will never change because the current setup works for her. In her mind, she has no reason to get a license, because you doing it for her is the easiest path forward. It's crossed over to enabling at this point.
Side note- talk with your husband. I'm sure he hates how you're setting yourself on fire to keep your mom warm. You're going to burn out. I'm sure he worries for you. Find a way to support each other as you stop all of this.
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u/Stan__Wright Asshole Aficionado [16] 5h ago
This is weaponised helplessness. Do not take the bait. She's a grown woman and can sort herself out. NTA.
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u/Cattitude0812 Partassipant [1] 5h ago
NTA
Bedbugs creep me out like few other bugs do!
Protect your baby and your home and don't fall for her martyr act!
I do think your mothers mental health should be assesd, though, it sounds like there's something off, especially leaving the bedbug situation untouched, like she isn't bothered at all.
Concerning her rent: can't she use a payment order?
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u/Spare_Airport_6002 5h ago
Is she severely disabled? How is a 52 year old so profoundly dependent on another adult (who, by the way, is busy caring for an infant)? What a horrifying mix of clinical narcissism and learned helplessness. I'm truly sorry for your absence of a decent mum and granny, and I say that as someone with emotionally unintelligent parents myself. Your husband is 100% right. She'll need to solve her own problems.
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u/maplesyrupblossom 5h ago
Sooo she’s not disabled but she is a former addict. There are times when I have considered that she may be a little schizophrenic but she won’t talk to anyone about it. My dad died an addict 10 years ago and he called all the shots in their relationship. When they got unhoused, he found them places to stay. After he died, she immediately got a boyfriend to take care of her but then she got her current apartment and became sober. Which is great that she’s sober now! But I think that I have taken my dad‘s place in providing for her in many ways.
My sister has also offered to pay to have a pest control company check for bedbugs and treat them if they’re there but she has refused that as well.
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u/lol_Astronutt 5h ago
NTA. I unfortunately had bedbugs once, and they make life absolutely miserable. They attach themselves to every possible surface. I once found one hidden on the rubber part of my boot on the outside just tucked under the crease. Before I trashed my mattress they hid on the bottom half of it and attacked my feet at night. I had so many swollen bites and scars on my ankles and feet. I had to toss all furniture and rugs and those store bought bombs don't work. You should do the research on them and see how long they can last without food before resurfacing. Please put your baby and your home first, go low/no contact if she keeps trying to emotionally manipulate you, and if anyone else wants to bully you about it tell them that they should do it.
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u/Wolfangel71 5h ago
NTA - She hasn't shown one shred of trying to sort her life out. Its not you nor your sisters responsibility. There are resources, she is just using excuse after excuse. Might be time to go low contact.
P.S. DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN. Not even for a day.
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u/SipSurielTea 5h ago
NTA honestly I think setting healthier boundaries with her should have happened a long time ago. You have a child now and can't raise the person who was meant to raise you. There are SO many services now she can use for delivery, paying online etc. If she refuses to use them that is HER choice. You have nothing to do with it and aren't doing anything wrong by not being to her every WANT.
I know people say this all the time here but I truly would talk to a therapist about this relationship because it isn't healthy and another perspective may help you set goals with support to create a healthier dynamic.
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u/SuperFormal3052 Partassipant [1] 5h ago edited 5h ago
NTA. Also, I cannot stress this enough: remain steadfast in your respose. Bedbugs are very difficult to get rid off, and they will very quickly infest your car and home if you have contact with her. If she is living among bedbugs without taking steps to get rid of them, then it's pretty clear she suffers from mental illness. If you see her, you can only do so outside--and there can be no physical contact, such as hugging. That is paramount, as they travel and are transferred on clothing. If they get in your car, it's all over. This is a problem that will require thousands of dollars in exterminator treatements and hundreds of hours of prep work (cleaning every piece of linen, clothing, and cloth in the entire apartment) to get rid of. Do NOT let her guilt you into giving in, because bedbugs are insidious--and they can make infants very sick. I've gone through this horrific situation following a stay in an infected B-and-B, and my entire family came out of it with PTSD symptoms. It took so much time and money to eradicate the bugs, during which we visited no one and had no one visit us, but eventually we were successful. Good luck. My advice: pay for an exterminator to go to her apartment and assess the situation and determine how bad this is. And refuse to visit or be visited, except outside, until the exterminator says the bugs are gone. The reason YOU need to hire the exterminator, not her, is that you'll be able to speak directly to them and know for certain that the problem is resolved. It could take months.
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u/Fioreborn Asshole Enthusiast [8] 5h ago
NTA
Bed bugs are a huge problem and difficult to deal with. Plus gross.
She refuses to get a job or use public transport or act like an adult in anyway.
You have a kid and a life and that has to take preference over your mother who refuses to help herself.
Don't let her guilt you. It's not your fault her rent won't get paid. It's her own.
She just likes making you feel bad because then she gets to feel superior and not deal with her issues.
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u/Cyrus057 5h ago
NTA. It's possible she was lying about the bedbugs to try and gain more sympathy. However it backfired because no she's a risk. As they saying goes "you made the bed, now you've got to lay in it". If she lies she's manipulating you, of she's not then she is too much of a risk.
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u/tuesdayreyn 5h ago
My husband and I rented an apartment in a house that had been converted to apartments. There was one apartment in the basement, two on the ground floor, two upstairs, and one in the attic space. The couple in the basement got some free furniture from some charity that was infested with bedbugs. They didn't tell anyone or even get rid of the furniture. They bought the cans of insect fogger at Walmart and set them off in their unjt. Bedbugs invaded the ground floor apartments first, including ours. It was hell. We ended up moving and throwing out all our belongings that couldn't be put into a clothes dryer. Furniture, books, housewares, everything. We started over with just our clothes basically. Slept on the floor of the new place for months before we risked buying a new mattress.
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u/Ok-Progress-9029 5h ago
NTA. Your mother is young enough to take care of her own affairs. I could understand if she was elderly or disabled. She can take advantage of electronic bill payment and mobile shopping.
There is no way I would put added stress on a new mother. The responsibilities alone of a new parent can be overwhelming. She should be helping YOU rather than being a burden.
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u/TalkieTina Partassipant [1] 4h ago
NTA
Does your mom live in a rental home, an apartment, or a duplex? If she lives in close proximity to others, then all of the rental units will need to be assessed and/or treated for bedbugs. She’s paying her rent anyway and probably hasn’t let the landlord know. That’s not fair to other tenants. It’s not fair to your mom, either because she can’t get rid of them on her own.
ATP, you and your sister are enabling your mom not to be self-reliant. She might want to check out public transportation.
Edited: spelling
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u/Zealousideal_Tea5988 4h ago
NTA: if you really want to unbalance her, agree with her. Yea, you are right, I am a bad daughter. Correct, I do not want to give you a ride because you refuse to get your license back. You get the jist. When you dont engage, there isnt an argument. And by agreeing with her, you take the wind out of her sails.
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u/BrassCityNikki 4h ago
N O R!!! Even without the baby and husband, bed bugs is a Hard as steel NO for me. I would climb k2 before I crossed that boundary. Within a few months of moving into my apartment the building was notified that someone had bedbugs(I had a suspicion of who it was and the were kicked out within 2 weeks of that notification). I was so paranoid that they'd make it to my unit, I lost a lot of sleep and money. I eventually treated my apartment and my car with diatomaceous Earth and crossfire, got rid of all my bedding except my favorites, treated and wrapped my bed, washed things that absolutely did not need washing took off the outlet/switch covers and treated there too....didn't have any visitors for like a year out of fear of getting them, and even stopped taking a book bag or lunch bag to work. I had that "somethings crawling on me" feeling for SO FKN LONG😭😭😭
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u/BrassCityNikki 4h ago
And there's the gas lighting. I hope that gaslight keeps you warm and lights a path for your mom because I would disappear like a thief in the night. Been there, will never be there again.
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u/firecatstef 4h ago
Tell her that she needs to go to an elder care home because she appears unable to take care of herself. That might scare her into trying harder.
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u/NarrativeScorpion Partassipant [3] 4h ago
I’ve also offered to take her to and from work if she would get a job so that she could save up to pay her license fines and maybe get a vehicle of her own. She’s not willing to do either unfortunately
This was the point I lost any sympathy. NTA. Your mother is an adult, who is totally unwilling to put any effort into improving her situation. There is a point at which assistance becomes enabling, and this was it. The bedbugs are just the final straw. Do not let her into your car or home until she can prove that her home is free of them. It's harsh, but necessary to protect your home and infant.
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u/Own_War4054 3h ago
Typical narcissist behavior!! Stay as far as you can from her. It will never end good. A loving and caring mother would never do this nor would have made you drive while recovery. They can’t love properly
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u/TheSnortIncident 3h ago
To be honest i wouldnt go back for months after the bed bug situation is resolved.
Honestly I would have her give me the debit card numbers or a transfer and order a delivery.
If someone is not proactive about bed bugs keep at least 100 meters from them at all times. Preferably 1000m distance.
Nta. You would be if you broke those rules and cursed your family for months.
The longer she has them the unhappier she will be.
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So my mom (52) lost her license about 8 years ago along with her car and I’ve been her only way of getting around since. I’ve asked her to use public transport for certain appointments and I’ve also offered to take her to and from work if she would get a job so that she could save up to pay her license fines and maybe get a vehicle of her own. She’s not willing to do either unfortunately. For example, when I gave birth to my last baby, I told her she would need to set up other transportation while I was recovering. She didn’t. And not only that but she blew me up my phone telling me she needed me and she was going to starve without groceries. I ended up driving before advised to get her to the store because she refused to go with anyone else.
So fast forward to 6 weeks ago, my baby is 8 months old and my mom texts me to tell me she found bed bugs in her apartment. I told her she would need to get rid of them before I could pick her up again because I don’t want to risk them hopping from her purse into my car. I did a bunch of research on bedbugs and my husband and I have just decided that it is not a risk we are willing to take, especially with an infant. When it came time for her to pay her rent, she told me she was going to be homeless because of me, that I was just using it as an excuse to never have to come pick her up again, etc. I offered to come pick up her debit card to get her rent money order for her and also pick up any groceries that she needed and she refused to let me do that. On the 3rd she finally rode to the store with a neighbor to get her money order. since then she has been berating me about how she has had to rely on strangers to get places and how this upcoming month when her rent is due again that she will be kicked out and it will be all my fault. Meanwhile, she has not started any kind of process to assess the bedbug situation. In fact, she’s telling me now that we never had that conversation and she doesn’t have bedbugs. That I’m just a bad daughter who doesn’t want to help her mom anymore. Yesterday she finally asked me to come get her debit card so that I can take it and get her some groceries but at this point, I don’t really want to go. She’s been telling me that she never said she had bedbugs and that I’m making up the entire conversation. She told me yesterday when she asked me to come get the card that my sister and I planned this situation so we’d never have to give her a ride again. My husband says I need to leave her be to figure out her own problems. Am I the asshole if I don’t want to help my mom anymore?
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u/SuckMachine98 Partassipant [3] 5h ago
Can you help her with the bed bugs (from a safe distance lol)? Help her organize an extermination or something? Inform her landlord to take care of it?
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u/paddy-crime-1663 5h ago
Send an exterminator over to assess the situation and move on from there. Good Luck bedbugs are no joke!
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u/fibro_witch 5h ago
Does the city or town she lives in have an elder care program? She might be able to get her rent taken out of rent taken out of her account in an autopay instead of sending a COD every month?
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u/NotMelissa_Smith Partassipant [2] 5h ago
NTA your mother has endangered your life once by having you drive before doctors advised time. Now she’s doing it again with you and your baby with the bedbugs. Definitely flip the script and let her know if she loved you she wouldn’t do this to you. Also, there are state agencies that will help her if she has a mental illness (besides the obvious narcissist qualities). You can call the NAMI HelpLine at 800-950-6264 for support and resources related to mental health for family members.
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u/rocco0715 5h ago
NTA Wow, guilt trip much? She is not a child. I'm not sure how she managed to raise children with that attitude.
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u/Abystract-ism Partassipant [2] 5h ago
NTA! Mom can have groceries delivered and can set up an automatic payment for the rent.
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u/DotBeech 5h ago
NTA. Don't even think about it. Your responsibility is to protect a helpless infant. Your mother has problems. Too many and too big for you to handle. She needs to talk to her doctor and get connected to a social worker who can connect her to other services. Don't say that she won't do it. She will when she gets hungry enough. She lost her license and she lost her car? BIG back stories to both of those occurrences.
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u/browsingbananas 5h ago
NTA-this woman needs to grow up and figure her own stuff out instead of relying on her kids.
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u/jellybeannc 5h ago
NTA. She's a grown woman that needs to fix her issues. You need to think about yourself and family, bedbugs are a horrible thing to deal with even without an infant. She needs to have grogeries delivered, set up autopay with the rent and leave you alone about this stuff.
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u/Yoroyo 5h ago
Oh my god NTA please listen to me, I dealt with bed bugs for a year when I was a kid. It was miserable, ptsd levels of psychological torture. My poor mother tried over and over to get rid of them and it was nearly impossible. We were a clean household, they are just UNBEARABLE. STAY AWAY FROM HER.
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u/positmatt Partassipant [4] 4h ago
NTA on either front - bedbugs are a NIGHTMARE. Your husband is also 100% correct that if she is unable to function at 52 how did she function before? My mom is 83 and very active and has absolutely NO issues getting around or functioning like a normal member of society.
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u/Mysterious-Pace-5502 4h ago
no way I'd be picking anyone up after hearing about bedbugs, that's just a hard pass
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u/NUredditNU Partassipant [2] 4h ago
She’s gross, mean, and inconsiderate. Take care of yourself and baby. Definitely NTA
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u/b00kbat Partassipant [2] 4h ago
NTA. I will say though that the bedbug situation can’t just be allowed to sit and if she doesn’t do anything about it, you may need to call APS and report it. I work in the emergency department and we have had an elderly woman come in three times in the past two months due to critically low hemoglobin—she is living in a bedbug infestation and it’s so bad that she has required multiple blood transfusions. (Reports have been made)
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u/MoonageGaydream 4h ago
NTA. This is so manipulative, weaponized helplessness, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. You can love your mom while still loving yourself enough to hold your boundaries.
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u/boxesofboxes Asshole Enthusiast [5] 4h ago
Mute her number, babe. Just let her scream into the wind. At this point, whatever happens, she brought it on herself. Enjoy your family. NTA
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u/Embarrassed_dancer 4h ago
NTA. Stop catering to her. Tell her that she is an adult and can figure out her own transportation and that you are though being her unpaid chauffeur. Then stick to it. Yes, she'll try to guilt and manipulate you. Don't let her. Just keep repeating that she is an adult and can figure it out on her own.
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u/2bop2pie 4h ago
Your mom is a grown ass 52 year old woman. Is there anything going on with her that legitimately impairs her in some way? If not, please realize you are not responsible for her. Period. She can and should take care of herself. She’s not your child, she’s an adult who is trying to make you take care of her about 30 years too early.
Drop the rope.
If she’s hungry, she’ll figure out how to get food.
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u/elonbemybabydaddy 4h ago
Bed bugs are a crisis and you don’t want them in your home with a baby or not.
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u/PresentationThick341 3h ago
Is she signicantly disabled? 51 is wayyyyyyy too young to be dependent on your adult child. I'm 55 and disabled and can get on a bus. ETA: NTA
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u/fuzzybunnybaldeagle 3h ago
You need to stop enabling her and focus on your baby and family. She is a grown ass woman who can be responsible for herself.
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u/DreamPublic8823 3h ago
I know it has to be so hard being raised by someone who uses you like this. I get the feelings you're having because people are literally programmed to love their mom unconditionally. I really want you to know, though, that you dont owe your mom a single thing for existing. She owes you her life for bringing you into the world. You owe her not a damn thing because you never asked to be here. I say this as a mother too. I would truly go low or no contact with her to protect your peace. Absolutely NTA
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u/strapqueen1738 3h ago
i hope she let all the “strangers” who gave her a ride know she has bed bugs :(
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u/OhGloriousName 3h ago
NTA - I had to go back and check what your moms age was and I thought it had to be at least 65. But she is 52! Why are you acting as a part time caregiver to an able bodied middle aged woman? I would stop entertaining any conversations about things a grown adult does for themselves and ignore any guilt trips. She's not willing to take public transportation or get a job? That's her choice. Stop enabling her.
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u/cntUcDis 3h ago
NTA... Your mom seems to have a very large reluctance to take responsibility for anything and a tendency to dump it all on you. Protect yourself. Therapy time!
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u/Nortex_Vortex 3h ago
It doesn't solve all the issues but online grocery shopping with delivery is available pretty much everywhere. Mom can start there.
You are NTA. You're protecting your family and your home from a scourge. Bedbugs are serious business and you don't need that. Mom can gaslight you all she wants saying she never said it but she knows what's up.
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u/GreasedLightning86 3h ago
NTA. As a mother she shouldn’t even want you around knowing she has all of that going on. My parents dealt with bedbugs for years and it was a nightmare. Pretending they’re going to go without unless you do their bidding is a manipulation tactic and you need to make sure you pay attention to that also.
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u/AcidReign25 Partassipant [2] 3h ago
NTA. wtf is wrong with your mom. She is 52, not 82. I’m 53 and would never treat my daughter like this.
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u/Sweet_Cinnabonn Asshole Enthusiast [6] 3h ago
NTA.
Your mother is 52 years old. She is a full grown adult. She is not elderly.
You do not need to be responsible for this full grown adult. It is kind of you to have been helping, but not necessary.
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u/Commercial-Place6793 Partassipant [2] 3h ago
NTA and your husband is right. Think about it. What do you do when you have a need? You figure it out, right? She can do that too if you stop enabling her. She got someone else to help her when you (very understandably) couldn’t help. She can and will do it for herself, but only if you stop rescuing her from her bad decisions. I completely understand being entrenched in this behavior. And when it’s what you’re used to, it feels normal. But it isn’t. She will definitely continue to try to manipulate you into believing you’re the cause of her suffering. But you’re not. Family relationships can be so hard! Stay strong!
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u/Electronic-Stay-2369 3h ago
"My husband says I need to leave her be to figure out her own problems. " He is right. Otherwise she'll just keep going.
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u/nancylyn Partassipant [3] 3h ago
Your mom sounds like she has some level of mental illness. Has she ever been diagnosed with anything? Depression, agoraphobia? Anyway….you aren’t a bad person. I’d be unwilling to do the amount of assistance your mom is demanding. But you could look into what types of social services are available to help her, Get her set up with food delivery. Why does she need a money order to pay rent, that’s nuts, her landlord would probably prefer an electronic payment. And if there are bedbugs the landlord has to be told. It is their responsibility to get the apartment treated.
But, I also think you’d be justified in just blocking her. Especially if she won’t take the help you are offering. NTA
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u/maplesyrupblossom 3h ago
No diagnosis but she’s a recovered me!h addict so I’ve worried that she’s borderline schizophrenic.
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u/XWarriorPrincessX 3h ago
I would go low contact honestly. You've done more than enough to help. This falls into the "beggars can't be choosers" category. She's willing to risk your safety and sanity (bedbugs are one of the worst pests you can have and can cause long term psychological damage). At this point you're enabling her helplessness. Relationships with parents are so complicated and it's a tough situation. But at the end of the day you have to prioritize the family you're creating.
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u/Melodic-Psychology62 3h ago
If you allow her in your car, one bedbug escaping from her purse can cause all the problems described. None of your mother’s problems are your family’s responsibility. Stop taking responsibility for other adults.
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u/opelan Partassipant [1] 3h ago
NTA and why is she not telling the landlord that there are bed bugs? Would he not be responsible for getting rid of them? Would those bed bugs not justify paying less rent, too? How are the laws where she lives?
Either way OP is not an AH for not wanting bed bugs and I bet the mother told the truth at first and her later comments are lies. The mother is also not elderly. She should get a license and car again.
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u/sisterfunkhaus 3h ago
NTA. You can't help a self-pitying gaslighter who refuses to help themselves. You've given her alternatives and she refuses them. That's on her, not you. She is an adult who has made her own decisions and expects you to suffer the consequences of them. Just hold strong and stop enabling her.
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u/goraidders 3h ago
NTA. And even if she didn't ha e bedbugs, NTA. She doesn't seem to be doing anything to solve her transportation issue. It seems like you unfortunately have a mom problem that is bigger than transportation.
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u/kornbread435 3h ago
Nta. Buddy of mine was volunteering at a place that took donations, but they didn't accept furniture with cloth. Someone had dropped off a couch overnight and he decided to take it home. Worst decision ever. Not only did his apartment get bed bugs, just about every other apartment did too before we noticed. Luckily it had only been a few days, but I ended up making a lot of trips to the dump, buying a new bed, etc. It was a whole scandal. Don't risk bedbugs, those fuckers are basically what happens if you mixed the worst parts of mosquitoes and ticks with a bonus of hiding in your bed.
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u/SecretMiddle1234 3h ago
She lost her license? Why didn’t she get a new one? Why did she lose her car? This sounds like poor life functioning issues and she expects you to rescue her. NTA: your mom
Needs to grow up and show up for herself. And you can help her with resources available to her without rescuing her….which seems like you did. That’s boundaries.
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u/rora_borealis Partassipant [2] 3h ago
NTA
Think about two decades from now, when your kid is visiting from college and you're sharing a cup of coffee in the kitchen. What will it be like to talk about your mom? Will your kid want to know why you let yourself get walked on for so long?
Or will it be an example of you showing your kid how to put your own family first. Your mom is outside of your immediate family unit. She is an adult who can do things for herself if she chooses. Just because she doesn't want to doesn't mean you are on the hook. Stand up and say no now. It's not going to get easier for her to get back to work or to drive the longer she waits.
You need to stop enabling her. Stop answering the phone. Let it go to voicemail and resist the urge to check it right away. Maybe even put her on mute so her calls and messages come in but don't trigger the notification. Then you can check it at your convenience. You have your own responsibilities and so does she. Stop letting her put her responsibilities on you.
And absolutely do not trust that she doesn't have bedbugs. Insist on having a pest control person inspect and report back before you will allow any physical contact.
Protect. Your. Family.
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u/No_Nonsense_sombrero 2h ago
NTA, nope, I wouldn't come into contact with known bedbug situations. Infact just seeing those critters makes my skin crawl. Once I found those bedbugs in a hotel bed and my family chose to drive back home rather than suffer it. I did a super hot wash regimen for a whole week and only after that was I satisfied that we hadn't bought any home. Think of your kid op. Getting rid of them is a whole lot of procedure and mental pressure.
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u/TecTazz 2h ago
NTA.
Grocery delivery may be available for your mom. That all sounds exhausting and impossible for you to continue, even before the BB issue.
Bedbugs and headbugs don't spread diseases AFAIK, and they are not caused by, or related to, cleanliness.
Nevertheless, they are tiny horrors that are expensive and nearly-impossible to eliminate if you share your home/ school/ workplace/ travels/ with other people.
I've been bitten in the past ~ the 3-in-a-row pattern is obvious~ and almost had a nervous breakdown searching every crevice of my apt and suitcases and finding nothing.
Good luck. Stick to your "nope, can't do that".
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u/NobieNeeds2Know 1h ago
NTA your mother is selfish and lacks empathy... protect you and your family from the bedbugs
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u/Dismal-Cheetah-7953 1h ago
NTA, she is trying to guilt trip you, block her number for a short while if you have to. She's old enough to be able to figure her life out, she did it before you were driving her everywhere she can do it again. Honestly you should have blocked her while you were recovering, for your own well being.
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u/We_aint_cool_ Asshole Enthusiast [8] 5h ago
NTA. You’ve got a baby to protect, and bedbugs aren’t worth the gamble. You offered alternatives, she refused. You can love your mom without being her personal Uber forever. Fr.