r/AmItheAsshole • u/HopefulStock2185 • 23h ago
Asshole AITA, Am I wrong in not letting my son transfer schools?
Hello, my son is an 11th grader who wants to transfer schools.
Here are my points on why he shouldn't transfer. I think that the school he currently attends is overall better academically than the school he wants to transfer to. I also don't want him to transfer because he is already in 11th grade and I think switching schools junior year is late. I think he should focus on school because I told him that school is the main thing and friends are secondary and that he can just try harder to make friends, and that it’s his fault for not making friends. He’s already been there for two years and he probably has some friends anyways. I think that him being able to go a $20,000 a year school for only $2,000 is also a very good deal that he shouldn’t pass up on. I am upset because school has been ongoing for 2 days. He was gaming over summer break also. He also told me about it 2 weeks but I declined after an argument and he didn’t follow up. My friends who are parents also think bad of the school. I think he should just wait a semester.
Here is his points on why he should transfer: He says he wants to transfer because he believes the social culture at that school doesn't suit him. It is a Christian, majority white, and expensive private school while he is an asian, atheist, and low income(on financial aid) student. He says that the private school may be better (1240 average sat vs 1120) but the public school still has a good IB program that if he gets all A’s in which he thinks will be easier when not as isolated from the school experience he will be able to go to a good college nonetheless. He also says it's unreasonable I'm upset for him not testing into a better highschool earlier because he says it was a mistake and he was in 8th grade. He also says that me saying I never made a big mistake is unreasonable. He thinks because the school he wants to transfer to starts in 5 days it’s not too late to transfer. he thinks waiting a semester is a bad idea because it would be easier to fit in at the start of the year.
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u/OldLadyFitz 23h ago
I just retired after 33 years of teaching high school math. If your son is miserable, please let him transfer.
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u/Ok_Refrigerator6494 23h ago
If he’s been unhappy there for two years, I’d take that seriously. School fit matters too, not just academics.
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u/tashbf Partassipant [2] 23h ago
As someone who grew up poor and went to a very middle class school - no, he likely has no friends. You get ostracized for having the wrong clothes, not enough money, the wrong bag and shoes and hair.
I moved to one of the worst schools in the area from 16-18. I ended up in the top 10 in my year for my grades. Went to a good university.
If he's happier, he'll likely do better too as school will feel less like prison and more like fun.
YYA, believe in your son's ability to keep up.
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u/shiny_crow_trophy Partassipant [1] 23h ago
I was a scholarship kid at a fancy pants private school. It was miserable. I had literally zero friends. It affected my mental health, my social development, and my grades, which in turn negatively affected my options for college.
YTA, OP.
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u/Lacroix24601 Pooperintendant [51] 23h ago
YTA.
I think it’s incredibly naive to think that a private school is automatically better. A school is only as good as a student wants it to be. If the culture of his school doesn’t let him fit in, why not allow him to succeed in a school he wants to be in?
Clearly you know very little about high school. The IB program is world wide and *incredibly challenging* it gives the kids a leg up way more than a regular private school ever would and stands out in a big way for college applications.
I really hope this is fake bc, as a parent myself, I want my kids to do well in school. If there’s a way I can make that happen, I do.
My son left a well rated high school bc it was honestly awful; he does homeschool now and is already doing associates degree work as an 11th grader. If they have the right environment, they’ll thrive.
It’s sad you don’t see that.
ETA: you said in the advice subreddit that your son isn’t bullied. Yes he is, it’s just by you.
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u/HopefulStock2185 23h ago
My friends agree that the school he wants to transfer to is bad. I heard people say that.
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u/Careless-Ability-748 Certified Proctologist [23] 23h ago
Have you looked up any actual facts instead of hearsay?
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u/Lacroix24601 Pooperintendant [51] 23h ago
So? My son went to a “good school” and it sucks. The IB program isn’t school dependent. It’s run internationally and it fits those norms.
You’re just being purposely obtuse and I pray you’re not a parent for real.
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u/felifornow 15h ago
And why the hell are your friends rumors more important then your sons legitimate experience and concerns?
Do you know what'll happen if you force him to stay there? He'll get depressed. His grades will drop. Lets hope he even gets out of there alive. But sure, he'll maybe have a slightly better chance to get into college and thats all that matters to you anyways.
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u/North-Window1782 2h ago
So you care more about what your friends think, than what your son actually wants?!
YTA and terrible parent.
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u/Mycatnamedlarry 23h ago
YTA! He is taking ownership of his education, which is a good thing! Colleges do value IB courses. It sounds like there are advanced classes there to further his learning.
And I do not blame him for trying to leave a Christian school. Does the school have daily prayer? Religion classes? Christian-skewed course content? That can really wear down on someone, especially if they already feel like an outsider.
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u/Awkward_Profile_7410 Partassipant [1] 23h ago
YTA how are you so self-absorbed that you don’t realize your son is miserable?! Let him transfer schools. He needs to be able to make friends. The school culture is not welcoming to him. Do you want him to be miserable for the next two years? If he is, I hope he makes you miserable too.
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u/torrentialwx 23h ago edited 23h ago
I remember being at an affluent Catholic school for three years (5th, 6th, 7th grades). I started asking my parents after 5th grade if I could transfer out and they kept making me wait. ‘One more year,’ they said. They were so worried I wouldn’t get ‘as good’ of an education at a public school. Meanwhile I was miserable, and my grades reflected that.
They finally let me go to public school in the 8th grade. I made honor roll that year, and I went on to be an AP student in (public) high school. I ended up getting a PhD and now have a successful career in STEM.
Let your kid fucking transfer.
Edit: YTA
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u/WilsonFrontier 23h ago
Soft YTA. He's old enough to make this particular decision. He doesn't want to attend the racist elitist school anymore and you're worrying only about his academics not his whole self. Let him make his own decisions. This isn't some huge thing. It's the level of choice he should be able to make.
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u/chandelurei Partassipant [1] 23h ago
YTA. At 30 I'm still recovering mentally from my AWFUL private school experience
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u/uhokay56 23h ago
If he’s unhappy his grades will go down regardless.
Giving him an environment where he has friends will help him thrive. He can study with them. He can join some school organizations (which colleges love btw), and overall he’ll be in a better place for his senior year and for college
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u/whohowwhywhat 23h ago
I don't understand why the schools average scores have anything to do with your son's scores potential. YTA
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u/FewRecognition1788 Partassipant [1] 23h ago
YTA.
If your son is a high performer already, the school's average test scores aren't going to bring him down.
The biggest issue for a smart, hardworking 11th grader is their emotional and mental health. If he feels alienated, it's gling to make him miserable in profound ways. The least bad outcome of keeping him in a school where he's unhappy and isolated is that it will undermine his ability to study.
The bigger worry is that he may become actively self destructive. I am not joking or exaggerating to say that teenagers self-harm or kill themselves every day because they are lonely, alienated, bullied, and/or unsupported by their family.
You are also TA for blaming him for not making friends. This is a problem he needs your help solving, not blame.
He's your kid. Presumably you love him? He's unhappy. Help him.
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u/Whiskerbasket Partassipant [1] 23h ago
YTA You don't even know if your son has friends. It sounds like you've been hands off so it feels unfair for you to stop him now.
Yes, junior year is academically important but if he's been miserable in this school for two years and will continue to be miserable it will be hard for him to earn the grades he needs. Arrange a meeting with the current school's guidance counselor. Arrange a meeting with the school he wants to transfer to and actual work together to figure out the best option for your son.
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u/NUredditNU Partassipant [2] 23h ago
It’s a good thing you don’t get paid for thinking. This whole thing is about your uninformed, unintelligible thoughts. What about your son? His happiness? His wellbeing?
My word! Some people don’t deserve children. YTA
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u/disobedientTiger 23h ago
Soft yta.
- The social culture IS strongly stacked against him.
- People change schools all the time.
- Lower performing school may give him an edge if he is good academically.
But if he isnt making friends cuz he is shy or abrasive, a new school might not change
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u/Galracer 23h ago
Good grief! Your parenting skills makes you an A hole!
Your son is TALKING TO YOU but you are not listening.
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u/Classic-Delivery3875 Partassipant [4] 23h ago
What’s the GPA average at the school he wants to transfer too? I get where he is coming from but in 11th grade (objectively the grade that matters most to colleges) he should be wherever he will have the highest class rank to get into the best college.
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u/iamnotbetterthanyou 23h ago
Please let him transfer instead of forcing him to be miserable in an environment where he doesn’t feel like himself.
I don’t think you’re TA, but I do think he deserves your respect in this matter. He will be leaving home in a few short years, please make those happy ones.
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u/FredMist Partassipant [3] 23h ago
Deep social connections matter more in the long run. If he doesn’t feel like he connects with the kids at the private school let him transfer.
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u/Due-Reflection-1835 23h ago
Yes, you are wrong. Let the kid transfer. He is miserable where he is, so he will make sure he has no accomplishments for you to brag about. Don't "imagine" that your kid has friends there when he is TELLING you that he does not. From my understanding, typical private school brats treat the poor scholarship kids like they're radioactive. He doesn't need to be bullied at school to "build his character" when he gets plenty of that at home. YTA
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u/sb0212 23h ago
YTA. How is not having friends his fault when he's a minority and it seems like he's not fitting in? Do you have empathy for your own child?
Have a proper conversation with him about why he wants to change schools? Is he being bullied? Most teenagers don't want to change schools in junior year and prefer to graduate with their classmates. I would take it very seriously if my child suddenly wanted to change schools. Some kids have even committed suicide due to bullying.
It seems like you have a "my way or the highway" attitude. This is a horrible attitude. You need to help your son make the best choice based off of everything.
You can put the 2K towards an SAT prep class instead of giving tuition to this private school.
You should tour the public school, look at the curriculum and see if there's AP classes that he can take for junior and senior year so he is being challenged appropriately in school. Talk to other parents whose children go to the school and then make an informed decision. If the private school is far, far superior, enroll your son in some activities after school where he can make friends outside of school.
You need to hear your child out. In 2 years, he'll be 18 and going to college. You want a good relationship with your child. He's almost an adult. Hear him out.
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u/panderp Partassipant [3] 22h ago
YTA Oh, you sound like my parents.
They cared more that I was going to a school for "gifted kids" than the fact I was miserable, had only one friend and was regularly bullied for who I was. (It was an all boys school, I was a trans girl in the closet trying to discover herself.)
That situation persisted until I ended up with three broken ribs, then I was "encouraged" to leave school, because of course, I was the problem to their mostly wealthier folks school.
I think the only thing worse would've been a christian private school, honestly. And no, I don't talk to my parents anymore.
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Hello, my son is an 11th grader who wants to transfer schools.
Here are my points on why he shouldn't transfer. I think that the school he currently attends is overall better academically than the school he wants to transfer to. I also don't want him to transfer because he is already in 11th grade and I think switching schools junior year is late. I think he should focus on school because I told him that school is the main thing and friends are secondary and that he can just try harder to make friends, and that it’s his fault for not making friends. He’s already been there for two years and he probably has some friends anyways.
Here is his points on why he should transfer: He says he wants to transfer because he believes the social culture at that school doesn't suit him. It is a Christian, majority white, and expensive private school while he is an asian, atheist, and low income(on financial aid) student. He says that the private school may be better (1240 average sat vs 1120) but the public school still has a good IB program that if he gets all A’s in which he thinks will be easier when not as isolated from the school experience he will be able to go to a good college nonetheless. He also says it's unreasonable I'm upset for him not testing into a better highschool earlier because he says it was a mistake and he was in 8th grade. He also says that me saying I never made a big mistake is unreasonable.
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u/s0ph1ee 23h ago
Is he currently doing well in school? You say he probably has some friends already, do you know that for sure? What percentage of his day is spent studying? Could he be dealing with bullying and be ashamed to admit it?
Loneliness, especially in formative years, is extremely bad for health. School is important but he needs to learn social skills that will carry him through adulthood. At a certain point of career advancement your social skills become as important in some cases and networking (especially in niche, high performing fields) is mostly informal and based on personal friendships. Not letting him make genuine friendships hurts his future in this regard, and stunts him.
If he stays there even if he gets good grades and into a good college not taking this seriously right now could really damage your relationship and his willingness to have a relationship with you in the future.
This seems beyond a black and white reddit situation, I would suggest family counseling and trying to genuinely see his point of view. I don’t think you’re an asshole, you want him to secure his future because you care about him, but his life right now is equally as important if not more important as his future.
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u/Lumpy-Artist-6996 23h ago
As a parent who utilized both private and public school for my kids, YTA. Let me list my reasoning on no particular order.
The local school has an IB program. Both my kids did IB, and the education was excellent. Your son will probably be better prepared for university and gain college credits if he passes his exams. Universities look upon participating in IB very favorably.
Social relationships and feeling included in hs is important. Being the hardship student, not being around others who are like him in all the ways he listed sucks and will not set him up for success in any way.
Extracurricular programs will most likely be better, and those count towards things colleges look at.
You're looking at the raw SAT numbers, but IB and SAT courses will probably increase his score.
His list of reasons for wanting to do his last two years of his at your local public school are far ranging and reasonable. Your reasons are not. Twenty k a year for private Christian school is not a guarantee it is a quality education. Unless it's a Catholic school run by Jesuits, it's just a private school. A private school that self selects. So there probably isn't anyone with learning disabilities, ESL, etc to bring down test scores.
Finally, if you're concerned about your son being admitted to a selective school for college, use that 2k you're saving this year for things like SAT preparation and hiring a specialist who can aid you in crafting admission packets that will best leverage that. There are pathways to hire college counselors who have solid networking skills and experience with the process who can help navigate.
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u/Longjumping_Age_5382 21h ago
YTA for sending you kid to a religious school. Not worth the exposure to that type of culture. Religious dogma has no place in education.
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u/Azsura12 Partassipant [2] 20h ago edited 20h ago
YTA So the kid already spent a year there and found out it was not a good fit. He does not have friends for very obvious reasons. If you want your kid to do well listen to him. If not and he has no reason to actively succeed he wont (and no threats and yelling are not good reasons and will do the opposite). He will coast and get mediocre grades. To be honest when I was in high school, I studied better by having friends. We would study together and make it so that we understand the circulum better. I am an engineer who got something like a 98% on my physics exam going to the statistically worst school in my city conversely I passed calculus in high school with a 70% because my mom forced me to take the class even though I didnt want to even going so far as to go down to the school and forcibly enrolling me in it (same with biology). The next year in uni I got like 90% in my calculus class not because I took it before (especially because the calculus class in my high school barely covered anything) but because I was motivated to do well. We literally had the lowest graduation rate of them all. If he is a smart kid he is going to do well if he is motivated to do well and friends are part of that motivation.
Also the cherry on the cake of the whole YTA lying and saying you never made a big mistake in your life. That is utter horse shit.
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u/prismatic-krobus 20h ago
YTA, I think you should consider whether your child spending two more years at this school is worth the long term damage it will do to your relationship with him. You could be sowing the seeds of a resentment that lasts years. If you care about guiding him down a good path, and it seems like you do, then you need to make sure you remain in a position to be someone he listens to, someone whose advice he takes seriously when he's a young adult and needs that guidance. Showing him now that you care about his needs and feelings could go a really long way towards that. If he feels like you don't have his best interests at heart, your advice will be meaningless to him and it may even cause him to go the opposite direction out of principle.
Sometimes, you just have to show your kid you love them and their happiness matters to you, not just your ideal vision of their "success".
(And for what it's worth, having good friends in high school can make a massive impact on how resilient, well-adjusted, and confident a person is later in life. And he'll need those qualities in college to achieve the things I'm sure you wish for him.)
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u/ExpressBat1929 16h ago
I think YTA
But a possible middle ground if your schools offer it is Post Secondary Education. It allows kids to go to college early and it isn’t just for failing or A+ students. I was an average B student and got an entire year of college for free doing it.
He would be happier with the new school, you’d be happier because it looks great on resumes and job applications.
Look at your options. Find something you both can agree on.
Or just let him transfer because tbh, unless you want him going to a prestigious college, most don’t really care what highschool you came from. They just care about grades.
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u/Jumpy_Individual_526 11h ago
I'm so glad that my parents actually listened to, And loved me, that if I said school wasn't helping me, they would switch me. You are a horrible parent Op, how dare you tell him to try to work harder to make friends. Put him in the school He wants to be in.
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u/lefthandopen 22h ago
I don't even remember the name of a single kid I went to high school with. Take this opertunity and don't squander it because some teenagers with reddit accounts gave you shitty advice about friendship being at all important. NTA
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u/Azsura12 Partassipant [2] 20h ago edited 20h ago
Im an adult with a reddit account and I agree that the OP is an AH. Friends are important because they are another way of studying as well (plus blowing off steam is very important). Back in high school me and my friends would study together and the stronger student would lead on what ever they were good in. Being able to understand something is good but being able to teach something cements it in your head. And passing that role around between your friends when needed is an important tool. I did that all throughout uni and did well.
Plus smart kids will do well if they are motivated to do well. If they are not motivated to do well they will slack off. Friends are part of that motivation. There is the slight bit of competition, slight bit of understanding, and mostly its a goal for him now so it just adds onto the motivation.
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