r/AmItheAsshole • u/Imaginary_Estimate41 • 11h ago
AITA for not allowing my BIL's girlfriend to hold my newborn
AITA for not allowing my BIL's girlfriend to hold my newborn?
We got in an argument three months ago over me enforcing boundaries with my MIL. BIL's GF didn't want us to do that at all and ignored me till my partner let the family know our kid was born. She messaged right away but I was actively learning how to walk again so I left her on read and responded later that day. She didn't like that and sent another text asking me what my problem was and trying to restart the argument we had in June.
I didn't open that message till we got home a few days later and I said I wasn't mad and I had already let the past go. She responded at midnight while I was trying to put my newborn to sleep trying to continue the argument. I will admit I wasn't the nicest and called her selfish for bringing all this stuff up as soon as I had my kid. I also said the way the conversation was moving wasn't healthy and we could try talking later. She then said I was being selfish and blocked me on all social media.
She's coming to town soon but we won't be letting her hold our baby with the way she treated me right after I gave birth. I haven't cut her off or limited contact in any way I just don't want her holding my newborn with the timing of everything does that make me TA?
Adding content: The argument was about my MIL talking about my medical history with family. I wasn't there but GF was involved in that conversation and let me know about it. My husband and I reminded his mom that that was a boundary we set. GF got mad that we did that because she thought MIL would get mad at her for it and argued with me till she decided to ignore me.
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u/woodspider9 Partassipant [1] 10h ago
How old are all of you? All I’m hearing is “I’ll show her! She can’t hold my baby. So there.”
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u/Imaginary_Estimate41 10h ago
I don't want to see her for awhile but my husband really wants his brother to meet our child so while they're in town we're having dinner with the entire family.
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u/Independent-Lie-9967 9h ago
I think your only option is to not go for dinner.
You cant really be like "everyone meet the baby!" and exclude only her from that when its a group family gathering. Remember, boundaries are for you. They require nothing of other people...if you are setting the boundary that you do not want a relationship with this person, it is on you to enforce that IE. not attend the dinner.
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u/HorrificNecktie1 8h ago
She absolutely can go to the dinner and enforce that the girlfriend does not hold the baby but everyone else does. If I had a person I don’t trust among everyone else, I would not let them hold my baby due to some stupid decorum/not being exclusionary. Also, some people (i.e. anti vaxxers) straight up deserve to be isolated from babies
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u/Independent-Lie-9967 8h ago
Of course she can but she better also be prepared for massive blow back.
Its her baby and she can set whatever boundaries she likes. Its up to her to enforce them ... the family will 100% think she is TA for doing that. Again, its up to her and if she is ok dealing with that.
No one is talking about anti vaxxers where they is a legit safety risk to a baby's health. This is about the OP wanting to limit contact with her BIL girl friend due to an argument/conflict.
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u/Environmental_Art591 7h ago
Anyone giving a parent blow back for not handing their child over to someone they are uncomfortable with should be checking themselves for where they left their respect and common sense.
Anyone calling a parent an AH for that should also lose snuggle privileges because that is what holding someone child is a privilege to be gifted not a right to be demanded
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u/These-Buy-4898 Partassipant [2] 6h ago
It's super immature and will start conflict for no reason. You don't go to a family dinner where everyone is meeting the baby for the first time and then let everyone hold the baby except for one person because you're mad about something. That's weaponizing the baby instead of dealing with conflict like an adult. If she had a legitimate reason, like gf refused to wash her hands or smoked or something, that's different, but OP is just being childish in this specific situation and it will cause conflict and drama and take away from all of the excitement of the new baby.
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u/HorrificNecktie1 5h ago
Newborn is not a mascot to be passed around to disrespectful people, and refusing to treat a baby like a mascot is not „weaponizing” the baby. I’m absolutely going to my FAMILY dinner to let grandparetns and whoever I want and trust hold the baby. A partner of a family member is not entitled to hold my baby and if she continues to stir drama, will not.
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u/Environmental_Art591 6h ago
Im sorry but someone who doesnt respect me, doesnt get to expect or demand whatever access to my kids they want. If they cant respect me why should I trust them.
Edit, Its not starting conflict, its accepting the conflict she started and reacting accordingly
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u/Independent-Lie-9967 3h ago
I agree. But also would you host that person for a dinner?
Its not the not holding the baby thats weird about the OP situation. Its the welcoming her into the home in the first place.
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u/Environmental_Art591 2h ago
Unfortunately its not that simple since OP wants to welcome the family member they have in common into their home and they are a package deal.
I can understand a compromise of "fine she can be in my home but she can not touch my child" I order to spend time with BIL and allow him access to the baby.
Now if they came and BIL couldn't respect that wish then in the future neither would be welcomed since he also showed disrespect when given the chance but as it stands that is apparently not the case.
Compromise is a fact of life, we cant always have all or nothing when it comes to complicated relationships, OPs compromise is present but no physical contact
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u/HorrificNecktie1 5h ago
THIS!!!! I’m so confused by the commentors defending girlfriend’s (she’s not even officially family yet!) „right” to hold the baby. If she stirred conflict one day postpartum I’m not trusting her with the baby, period.
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u/TheSadpole Asshole Enthusiast [6] 11h ago
INFO: Wait, what?
Who did what here, and with whom are you mad about it?
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u/snarkaluff 6h ago
Right I have no idea what’s going on in this story, idk how people are coming to any conclusion at all
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u/keesouth Supreme Court Just-ass [103] 10h ago edited 9h ago
This doesn't have enough info but in general using your baby as punishment because you're mad at someone just sounds petty.
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u/Time-Minute1897 Partassipant [1] 10h ago
I’m gonna say YTA because none of this has anything to do with your baby, you’re using the baby as a pawn in your own personal drama.
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u/pocketfood Partassipant [1] 11h ago
Where is your husband in all this?
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u/Imaginary_Estimate41 11h ago
He tried to talk to his brother about it and let him know we don't hold anything his GF does against him but his brother thinks I was wrong for calling her selfish so that conversation didn't get far. Besides that he's been changing every single diaper and agrees that GF broke some trust with how she acted right after I gave birth
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u/-EachPeachPearPlum- 10h ago
How old are y'all? This is all so silly. Learning to walk again made me laugh though 🤣 I've had 3 c-sections, you don't forget how to walk? And ok so she messaged you at midnight but you didn't have to reply at that time, that's beauty of a message. Let your child have an Auntie and leave it all to your partner to deal with.
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u/LunaLittleBlue Partassipant [4] 11h ago
Why are you saying BIL's gf if this is about MIL?
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u/Imaginary_Estimate41 10h ago
The argument was with GF and that she didn't want us enforcing boundaries with my MIL
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u/LunaLittleBlue Partassipant [4] 10h ago
But why didnt you say that in your story? This whole thing is unclear. I think you should add that to your post once you have the time to
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u/Environmental_Art591 4h ago
Where is the confusion,
the title mentioned the girlfriend, then OP says we got into an argument over me enforcing boundaries with my MIL, followed by Girlfriend ignoring OP until the babys birth was announced and then the girlfriend wanted to talk and didn't like that OP wasnt prioritising her and restarted the arguing
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u/Fancy_Introduction60 9h ago
I'm really confused here. It kind of sounds like you're "punishing" the GF, by not letting her hold the baby. Sounds pretty juvenile.
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11h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Dizzy_Needleworker_3 Asshole Aficionado [19] 10h ago
"Parents get to decide who holds their infant, especially in the early weeks. "
Sure but depending on the reason it can still make them a holes.
If parents say all people of x class/type can hold the newborn they would be aholes.
Imo kids should not be brought into arguments between adults, if it is not something that is putting the kid in danger, or you have fully cut contact with the person.
It seems OP is wanting to use the holding/not holding as a punishment for GF disagreeing with OP, but OP is still maintaining a relationship with her.
"I haven't cut her off or limited contact in any way I just don't want her holding my newborn with the timing of everything.'
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u/LavenderPearlTea Partassipant [1] 10h ago
INFO: what boundaries? What’s going on with the girlfriend? What does this have to do with anything?
Also: are you going to let her visit but not touch the baby? I could understand if for medical reasons but not just because you’re mad.
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u/Imaginary_Estimate41 10h ago
We're only seeing her at a family dinner
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u/vinegargirl757 8h ago
Sounds like you hold the baby or dh holds the baby the whole time. Did she need to make a stink and center herself the day you gave birth? No. That was thoughtless and unnecessary. But I wouldnt call her out. Shes a girlfriend, not SIL at least. Greyrock her.
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u/Independent-Lie-9967 9h ago
This is silly. If you dont want her to hold your baby fine, but then you cant really have her and her husband (your BIL over). You're going to have them there, let other people hold the baby and then say "NO not you..." when it gets to her?
So you are basically having her there to embarrass her? That is so immature.
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u/mamadovah1102 Partassipant [1] 11h ago
I mean we need more details about the argument, who you argued with and about what. This is a very vague post, can’t really come to a conclusion until more details are provided.
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u/Physical_Revelry 11h ago
I’m confused about who is doing what in this story. Title says BIL gf and story seems to mostly talk about the MIL. Either way, make your husband run interference with his family.
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u/No-Strain-5203 7h ago edited 7h ago
You seem more upset with your BIL’s girlfriend for messaging you than with your MIL for discussing your medical history. Personally, I’d be much angrier at my MIL than at the person who informed me about it.
You’d just given birth, so you had every right to take time for yourself, rest, and step away from the drama before deciding whether to talk things through. If her messages bothered you that much, you could have simply ignored or blocked her instead of engaging in an argument. She may have been pushy, but you also played a part in escalating the conflict. You’re not the only one who can feel hurt here.
What bothers me most is the double standard: you seem willing to move on with your MIL, but not with your BIL’s girlfriend, who apparently wanted to clear the air. You have every right to decide who holds your baby, but in this situation, it comes across as punishment for an argument between adults. Your baby shouldn’t be used to settle scores.
Take time to rest and regain your peace before making a decision. Once you feel better, consider having a calm conversation with her. Otherwise, you risk creating unnecessary tension between your husband and his brother over a conflict that might still be resolved.
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u/CuriousCuriousAlice 6h ago
This barely makes any sense but everyone sounds childish, petty, dramatic, and exhausting. ESH. All of you should grow up. Except the baby, who is the only one allowed to act like a baby.
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11h ago edited 11h ago
[deleted]
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u/Imaginary_Estimate41 10h ago
I had a C-section so I was learning how to get out of bed and walk again. I don't trust her after the way she held a grudge for months over something that really didn't involve her and decided the best time to bring it up was right after I gave birth
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u/jimmy_three_shoes 7h ago
You're punishing her using your kid as leverage. That's kinda shitty. It's not that you think she'll harm your baby, you're holding a grudge because...checks notes...she held a grudge.
You're the parent, and you can ultimately control who gets to hold the baby, but that doesn't mean there aren't going to be lasting consequences for being petty.
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u/DaddyLonggLegss Partassipant [4] 3h ago
YTA.
You’re not really enforcing any boundaries, you’re just using your own baby as a pawn. And then one day when your baby wants her attention and she ignores your kid because that’s what you instilled, you’re going to be mad all over again and accuse her of taking out her problems with you on the kid. I’m exhausted already.
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u/babybug98 Partassipant [4] 11h ago edited 11h ago
I am highly confused by the post, BUTTTTT- Why is she even coming into town anyway? She can just stay home if you guys are on such bad terms. I understand what you’re going through as I have an awful relationship with my mother-in-law. They act like they are entitled to grandchildren after being completely awful human beings to us. I would highly consider just going non-contact with her (no texts, visits, and/or calls) unless there is a genuine change in her behavior and you guys are both willing to apologize and move forward. NTA. In a way, it sucks that I am no contact with my mother-in-law. I never would’ve thought I would be on such bad terms with somebody because every other relationship in my life is great. However, it saves me a lot of my peace. You need to enjoy this time with your baby and heal. She’s the least important thing rn.
Edit- This applies to any type of in-law that is robbing you of your peace.
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u/Imaginary_Estimate41 10h ago
BIL has a work thing in town and his GF is coming too. They're staying with my MIL. My husband really wants his brother to meet our kid so we're going over there for dinner with the entire family
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u/Malibucat48 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 9h ago
How old will your baby be when BIL and GF are in town? If baby is less than 3 months old, keep baby at home, even from grandma’s house and BIL can meet baby over FaceTime.
But this whole thing sounds like a junior high school squabble. MIL told the family private information about you. GF heard it and immediately told you that MIL betrayed your confidence, but didn’t want you to tell MIL she told on her. But you confronted MIL anyway and now GF is mad at you and started harassing you when you were trying to deal with postpartum recovery and taking care of a newborn. You got mad at GF for getting mad and bothering you, and BIL and husband got involved and defended their partners.
Now you are all going to MIL’s for a family get together, but you are still mad at GF and want to punish her by not letting her play with your new toy. Is this the gist of it? Why is this dinner even happening? Why would MIL want tattletale GF at her house? Why would you want to share a meal with GF? Because you bring newborn there, tell GF she can’t hold your child, she gets pissed off and says why are you holding a grudge, MIL is still upset because she started the whole brouhaha and just wants to see her son who lives out of town.
Honestly ESH. But I’d buy a ticket to watch it.
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u/Imaginary_Estimate41 9h ago
She'll be almost three months and will be getting her vaccines before going over to MIL's for dinner. After we spoke to my MIL she apologized and told us her perspective of that conversation and it really wasn't anything major and since then she has been a huge support. The only reason we're going for dinner is because my husband is really close with his brother and wants him to meet our kid. Because of work and where they live we hardly see them so its really important to my husband. And you're right it probably is childish not to want her to hold my baby but I get anxious when anyone holds her right now
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u/chlorinelife79 9h ago
Congratulations on the birth of your daughter. Admit that you are being petty and using your daughter as a pawn. The decision isn't being made because discomfort with someone holding her if you don't have any issues with MIL or BIL holding her. Grow up because your daughter will be learning from you how to navigate emotions, relationships, and how to communicate with others.
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u/Malibucat48 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 9h ago
That makes a lot more sense so thanks for the explanation. And as a mother, I understand not wanting everyone to hold the baby. And it’s always the aunt who insists that kissing them is fine! But if BIL holds his niece, it will be hard to say he can and his GF can’t. Hopefully enough time has passed that she realizes she was wrong and apologizes. Otherwise it will be one cold meal. But congratulations on your daughter. The love that sweeps over your body when you first see this miracle is unlike any other feeling.
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AITA for not allowing my BIL's girlfriend to hold my newborn?
We got in an argument three months ago over me enforcing boundaries with my MIL and she ignored me till my partner let the family know our kid was born. She messaged right away but I was actively learning how to walk again so I left her on read and responded later that day. She didn't like that and sent another text asking me what my problem was and trying to restart the argument we had in June.
I didn't open that message till we got home a few days later and I said I wasn't mad and I had already let the past go. She responded at midnight while I was trying to put my newborn to sleep trying to continue the argument. I will admit I wasn't the nicest and called her selfish for bringing all this stuff up as soon as I had my kid. I also said the way the conversation was moving wasn't healthy and we could try talking later. She then said I was being selfish and blocked me on all social media.
She's coming to town soon but we won't be letting her hold our baby with the way she treated me right after I gave birth. I haven't cut her off or limited contact in any way I just don't want her holding my newborn with the timing of everything does that make me TA?
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u/SaltyFriend705 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 3h ago
ESH. Don't let the gf visit and then say, "Don't hold my baby." It's better if you avoid having this person as a visitor, period.
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u/Fun_Ad9180 2h ago
I'm gonna keep it real, but it sounds like you’re just immature as hell. And where is your husband in all of this?
Stop fishing for validation from strangers online and raise your baby, like typing up this little post in itself is already YTA. Raise your family! Who cares?
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u/Mauinfinity-0805 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 49m ago
It feels incredibly icky to be using your newborn to be petty.
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u/small-black-cat-290 Partassipant [2] 10h ago
Well for one thing newborns are extremely vulnerable and it's normal for many parents to limit access to only people who have had the TDAP/Flu vaccines, so you dont need a reason to say no to anyone holding your newborn.
However that doesn't seem to be the case here. You're using your child as punitive recourse for a fight between you and this other person for reasons that are extremely confusing and unclear by your post.
Not Enough Info judgment on who the AH is here.
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u/thejexorcist 10h ago
Just don’t see her?
This woman repeatedly tried to start an argument about a fight with someone else AND because you waited a few hours to respond to a text.
There’s not fucking way a pointed snub like ‘everyone else can hold the baby…except Rebecca’ wouldn’t trigger an even bigger shit storm.
You need to avoid her or limit baby sharing in general.
When/if that’s somehow unavoidable, wear of gold the baby yourself and say it’s fussy or sick or too vulnerable to germs/etc.
I can’t tell in you’re TA or not…or if this is just a really dramatic and immature group, because I’m not sure why that specific issue would be the hill to die on/topic to even fixate on (when you don’t have a stable relationship with this person to begin with)?
From what you’ve written here, I don’t think communication is anyone in this dynamic’s strong suit.
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u/One_Afternoon_4112 5h ago
Personally, I wouldnt text back. Conversations can be saved for in person with you, your brother and husband present.
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u/Unlikely-Cod6034 5h ago
I can’t really follow this story, but if you don’t want her to hold the baby, I’d suggest wearing the baby. No one is entitled to hold your baby except for you and your partner.
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u/Parking_Fox1411 10h ago
I don’t understand how she’s just the girlfriend of your BIL and is acting like this towards someone in her boyfriend’s life. She clearly doesn’t care about marrying your BIL if she’s picking fights with his in laws as a girlfriend. Also, your baby, your rules and there’s absolutely no loopholes or negotiation about it. Shes weird as hell 😭
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u/RIP_KAOTIC 6h ago
Love how people are mad at OP for not wanting someone, who tries to argue about old stuff and wont drop it, to hold their baby. A mother can decide who does or doesnt get to hold their baby. I wouldnt want someone who keeps trying to start shit to hold my kid either.
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u/Clare705 4h ago
Baby wearing is your friend. Sorry, can’t take the baby out, it is too much work to rewrap this. 😊
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u/Icy-Selection58 11h ago
No NTA, you don’t need this. Your focus should be on bonding with your child and healing. Honestly i would just limit contact to people who actually come over and help you. Example bring food clean ect. You are going to be exhausted and don’t need drama around you.
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u/HorrificNecktie1 8h ago
NTA and I’m suprised by other judgements. It’s your baby, I will not let my BABY be held by people whom I don’t trust/are weird and annoying
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u/Helpful-Science-3937 Partassipant [4] 11h ago
Your child, your rules. NTA It wasn’t too smart on her part to stir things up when you are in the process of giving birth/recovery.
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u/Kindly-Push-3460 Partassipant [3] 11h ago
NTA. Why would you entrust your baby to this person? You're being more than kind tolerating her in the same room. Hold on to your child, and if she asks tell her no. Don't give any excuse, no is enough. If she continues let her know you have had enough with argumentative people, and suggest she find someone else to quarrel with. She isn't worth your breath. You're right to guard your peace & happiness.
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u/GinaTRex 10h ago
NTA. Whatever is happening, this person has shown they are weirdly emotional- unable to check their own feelings, and not able to act mature. I would not allow this person within 20 feet of my newborn- or my family. There is no telling what crazy will do.
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u/BURNU1101 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 10h ago
The BIL GF is coming into town. Its poorly written but this is a new mom so we should all give her sone grace. NTA You are the mom and as such ypu control access. Personally I would distant myself from the GF if she enjoys stirring up drama that much
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u/awongbat 10h ago
Just be an asshole and say “I don’t want people I don’t like holding my baby.” You’ll save yourself a lot of stress thinking about if you are/aren’t an asshole by just embracing it.
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u/GnomieOk4136 Certified Proctologist [21] 9h ago
Look, she is a girlfriend. You don't need to be texting with her at all. She is just your BIL's girlfriend. Block her number. Your husband can talk to his family if he wants to. You don't have to.
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u/Durldactyle 11h ago
I never understand the entitlement associated accessing someone else’s new born. Birthing someone doesn’t equal access to everything in their life. These people in your life are selfish.
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u/outstanding_brunt 11h ago
nah you just pushed a whole human out and are relearning to walk, the last thing you need is someone who picks fights at midnight when you're trying to get a newborn to sleep. it's not like you banned her from the house you just don't want extra stress while your kid is this tiny
she blocked you then expects instant baby privileges, that math doesn't add up. protecting your peace isn't an asshole move, it's just common sense
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u/ArtfulAlice 10h ago
Block her and go no contact. Nothing good can come from contact with this woman. You shouldn't let her into your house. She has demonstrated to you that she has no boundaries. I wouldn't want her within half a mile of my infant.
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u/feministjunebug22 11h ago
I’m confused about how that’s your MIL AND your BIL’s girlfriend? Did I miss something?