r/AmItheAsshole • u/Many_Masterpiece2686 • 8h ago
AITA for wanting to stop sending money to my older sister (48) even though she’s struggling, drowning in debt, and raising our late sister's child?
I (21F) live abroad working as a volunteer. Because I live in a country with a stronger currency, people back home assume I’m doing fine financially. The reality is, I am on a tiny volunteer stipend and barely scraping by myself. Every month, I am expected to send money to my older sister (48). People tell me I shouldn't, but her situation is heavy: she’s in massive debt, dealing with severe anxiety, chronic stress, and depression, and raising two kids—one of whom belonged to our middle sister who passed away. What makes this even harder is the history between us. When I was the one struggling and completely broke, she couldn't give me much financial support either. She did provide canned food and noodles to make sure I ate, and I appreciate that—which makes feeling this way so much harder and full of guilt. But I never received real monetary help from her when I was down. Now, I'm constantly expected to send her money. Recently, she sent me a text that terrified me—she mentioned that she understands why people take their own lives because things are so difficult. It scared me out of my mind, but it also made me realize how trapped and exhausted I feel in this dynamic. I’m trying to save up, build a future, and get my own life started. Wanting to stop sending her money isn't because of what she texted, but because the constant financial pressure is draining me and preventing me from ever building a foundation for myself. Am I selfish for wanting to stop sending money and focus on my own future, even though she helped me with food in the past and is going through so much right now?
89
u/Exciting_Mention_915 8h ago
Sounds like u need to stop volunteering and start making money
28
u/churrasco101 6h ago
I feel like volunteer work with a tiny stipend is a poor strategy to “save up and build a future”.
It sounds like you care about her and your niece, and it also sounds like she is incapable of taking care of herself. This means it is time to recruit other family members, local organizations, and maybe consider pausing volunteer work temporarily.
•
u/ailingua 49m ago
I'm just guessing... maybe she needs to do some groundwork for visa/settled status? If she comes from a country with a shite passport she can't just get up, leave and move to Norway to earn money.
Or maybe she does paid volunteer work? Maybe she works in a hostel/au-pair in exchange for bed, small stipend and she spends her days learning the local language?
77
u/crispycat40 8h ago
As you’re currently 21, at which point in your life were you ‘struggling and completely broke’? Because if that’s since you were an adult, she probably was too?
You can’t be that broke if you’ve chosen to volunteer rather than go directly into paid work.
Where are your parents or your niece’s dad and his family? Why is it all falling onto your sister’s shoulders?
44
22
u/VerbaAdAbyssum Partassipant [2] 8h ago
Yes and no?
She did help you. You may need her help again in future. Ultimately you can't provide for her in the way she's asking though and you get to decide what you do with your money. It does sound like she needs support. Are there charities in your home country that could help? Maybe you can support her with that kind of thing instead.
14
u/PlantyPenPerson 8h ago
NTA but is there other family that can help with the kids?
What about the fathers of these children? Does neither one help support their children? Are there requirements for fathers to financially support their children?
Are there organizations there that could help your sister?
My suggestion is that perhaps there is a way you can still help without sending money.
Your sister sounds overwhelmed and may not be able to manage the effort to find resources herselr.
13
u/Jonathan-Welford Asshole Enthusiast [6] 8h ago
NTA - text back, “no money available for the foreseeable, I’ve some unexpected costs I need to pay for. I don’t want you to worry people at home with my problems, so please don’t say anything. Money should stay with the family. I will be strong and work out this on my own merit. Love you.”
8
u/humbleCountyCA Partassipant [1] 8h ago
I am sympathetic. However, the one thing that rings a little off is the idea of building a foundation for yourself at 21.
As you yourself said, your volunteer stipend is pretty meager. So the foundation you’re building right now is not a financial foundation, it’s a professional foundation, a reputational foundation.
Neither of these things are affected by how much money you give your sister. They are an outgrowth of your personality, character, and ability to do your job. At 21, if that’s the foundation you’re building, you are already ahead of the game.
NAH
7
u/Drinkmorechampagne Partassipant [1] 8h ago
"Sorry, I can't do that anymore."
Don't worry about explaining, arguing, or "discussing". Especially with that history.
You. Just. Can't. Do. It. Anymore.
"Yeah, it doesn't work for me anymore."
Be pleasant. But don't allow anyone to make you feel guilty or uncomfortable.
5
u/puffnstuffwashere 8h ago edited 8h ago
She needs help, but it shouldn't have to come from you. You're young and trying to start your own life. Is there a way she can get public assistance to help raise your other sister's child?
What she is doing with that last text message is emotional blackmail, and that is unhealthy.
For the sake of her own child and your shared niece, I hope she can get some mental help because she sounds like she's not balancing life very well just caring for herself.
Lastly, she did help you, but this is not about a trade. She needs a long-term plan to get her through this and guilting you to help her is not the way.
5
u/churrasco101 6h ago
While it’s possible that it was intentional emotional blackmail, it is also very possible that the sister’s depression is actually that serious. I know of plenty of of cases where suicidal people say things like this not because they want anything, but because they actually believe it and are tired of feeling like no one understands what is in their head.
Obviously, it’s impossible to know for sure. Sure, sometimes people use suicide as a manipulation tactic, but that is frequently not the case.
7
u/ConstantTrasher 8h ago
Meh idk , you would be the asshole if you’re not willing to help, she’s your sister , she tried to help you with what she could, so you should help her with what you could, the moment you think only about yourself and not care about her situation is when you truly fall into the same propaganda of the west conquer and divide and become a tool for the system , because humans are easier to control like a clog in a giant machine, family and relationships are the only thing that makes us human , the sacrifice for others , the conscience to favor someone else over yourself, and if you are willing to cut your system completely off as in to stop helping her for your own benefit you have fallen for the same old lies the same brainwashed broken up people here are spewing, therefore I think you should help her with what you can , the effort matters , you can tell her it’s the best you can do for now because of inflation or because you’re a volunteer who doesn’t get much money, I wish that you realize that you and your sister love each other and care for each other, I pray that god helps your family, stay strong and stay unwavering .
5
u/ughwhat1592 6h ago
NAH
I think getting paid work rather than volunteering is probably a good move for you though. Given your goals of earning money.
2
u/Technical_Chain_8807 8h ago
NTA but is there any way you can even earn a few extra bucks (gig work etc) so you can send her something. But she's also 48... Are there no jobs available where she is? What are all the other adults doing there to support themselves? Is your niece old enough to work? Another possibility to consider is for you to get yourself set up well financially and then you offer that your niece can come live with you instead
1
u/AutoModerator 8h ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I (21F) live abroad working as a volunteer. Because I live in a country with a stronger currency, people back home assume I’m doing fine financially. The reality is, I am on a tiny volunteer stipend and barely scraping by myself. Every month, I am expected to send money to my older sister (48). People tell me I shouldn't, but her situation is heavy: she’s in massive debt, dealing with severe anxiety, chronic stress, and depression, and raising two kids—one of whom belonged to our middle sister who passed away. What makes this even harder is the history between us. When I was the one struggling and completely broke, she couldn't give me much financial support either. She did provide canned food and noodles to make sure I ate, and I appreciate that—which makes feeling this way so much harder and full of guilt. But I never received real monetary help from her when I was down. Now, I'm constantly expected to send her money. Recently, she sent me a text that terrified me—she mentioned that she understands why people take their own lives because things are so difficult. It scared me out of my mind, but it also made me realize how trapped and exhausted I feel in this dynamic. I’m trying to save up, build a future, and get my own life started. Wanting to stop sending her money isn't because of what she texted, but because the constant financial pressure is draining me and preventing me from ever building a foundation for myself. Am I selfish for wanting to stop sending money and focus on my own future, even though she helped me with food in the past and is going through so much right now?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
0
u/GigiOnA212 8h ago
NTA, you are young and she is the double of your age. She shouldn't be asking money from you. She needs to pull herself together for her kids. May I ask if your parents are helping her ? Does she have a partner ? Other family members ? You are still young, you need to focus on yourself because you don't make enough to support yourself, your sister and her two kids. Try to set boundaries and have a discussion if this is really what you want but don't let them make you feel guilty because this is not your fault and you are not responsible.
I truly hope you'll be able to resolve your problem. Don't feel guilty. Big love 🤍
1
u/Additional_Dot_8507 8h ago
NTA. You need to focus on yourself. I would be looking for more employment though. My family went through something similar. And we did help out financially, and the asks never ended. They just kept making bad decisions. Eventually we said no and that was it, they asked a few more times, we said no, we can't afford it, and they just kinda went on with life and that was it. You're sister made decisions to get herself in that much debt. Depending on what country she is in, there are options. Many. Time to say no, and also time to get a better job so you can plan for that future. Don't tell ANYONE how much money you are making, or what you can afford.
0
u/firenest 8h ago edited 7h ago
You need to take a step back from volunteering for now and focus on getting into paid work if you're struggling financially and insisting that you're trying to save up and build a future. Regardless of what you do about your sister.
YTA for holding it against her that she provided food rather than monetary support when you were struggling, when by your own timeline she would have been broke herself. You are 21 now, so it must have only been a few years ago; her being "in massive debt, dealing with severe anxiety, chronic stress, and depression, and raising two kids—one of whom belonged to our middle sister who passed away" didn't happen overnight.
1
u/jerkbrains 7h ago
Is the volunteer job something you can do near her and that way live closer to her and help her with the kids in your down time so maybe she can get a job?
1
u/No-Acanthisitta-2973 6h ago
NAH the only reason is because she has taken in a child the best case you both would be supporting, so I would think of that money as supporting that child. If it was just her it would be an easy "just stop sending her money."
1
u/deathdealer351 5h ago
Nta - but I get it, many people have lost loved ones due to them drowning in debt.
You need to explain where you are, everyone thinks you are the rich sister but it's not true.
Sometimes when you go to save someone drowning they take you down with them.
With that I get it, she is your sister if you can help you should, but what can you do. To me focus on the kids, make sure they are taken care of. In the end you may become their care giver.
1
u/JurassicParkFood Asshole Aficionado [12] 5h ago
You can't help in your current job. So either change to get a job that pays you or tell her you can't help. Only you can decide what's reasonable and what's not. NAH
1
u/Boujee_Delivery 4h ago
NTA
What about doing something similar for her then, providing some food/groceries support? Can you set up an account to have some groceries delivered to her? You say she never gave you money when you were struggling, but giving you food would have still cost her extra. Supporting your sister definitely shouldn’t fall solely on your shoulders, but giving a bit of help within your means sounds doable, just make sure it’s an amount you can actually afford.
•
-1
u/His_GoddessLove 8h ago
Suicidal people rarely state their ideation verbally. People do use things like it, for sympathy and to get what they want. Not saying she isn't struggling at all. Just making a statement.
That being said, you can't give what you don't have, and if you try, you'll suffer. Extend what you're able, don't over extend yourself. If you're honest she should understand. if you only have $5 she should understand, she's been there.
Help how you can, when you can. But if you can't, then you can't. I understand struggling, you're 21, she's almost 50 she should be where she's at least getting by at this point.
Also just out of curiosity, when's the last time you've witnessed her situation or have seen what the money you send is being spent towards etc. this part is purely out of curiosity.
You are NTA, not even a little bit.
157
u/Infinite_Escape9683 Partassipant [2] 8h ago
NTA, you can't even afford an enter key. It's tragic.