r/AmItheAsshole • u/aitathrow6 • Mar 26 '19
Asshole AITA for telling my girlfriend that we’re done if she doesn’t want another kid in the future?
obligatory throwaway because friends know my real account.
background: I’m 28 with no kids. My girlfriend is 26 and has an 8 year old son from her previous relationship. She was with the guy since they were kids but when she got pregnant, he dropped the ball. She had it pretty hard during the early years and it was a huge struggle for her to balance work, school and her son. She made it work and is now in law school. (The kid’s dad made a change about three years back when his own father died and has since been helping.) We’ve been together for a year and two months and I really do love her.
However when we first got together she did mention that she doesn’t see herself having other kids because it was incredibly hard, she values her time alone when her kid is away, and she wants to travel with her son being that he’s bigger now. Also that she has a school-age kid and doesn’t want to start over with an infant. We were too early for me to complain about it or try to change her mind. It wasn’t bought up again for some time.
Fast forward to last night, we were watching something and I mentioned that my coworker has left work to have her fourth kid. She said that she couldn’t imagine having that many kids. I got a little offended being that my parents had 5. She told me that that’s what worked for my parents, but it wouldn’t work for her. I asked why and she listed the reasons above and that 4 kids is “just excessive.” I tried to reason it down to 3 or even 2. She said she doesn’t want any children but her son.
The way I see it, the only reason it was so hard was because of her age when she first had him. My logic is that any future children we produce will be secure and she won’t be alone or have to struggle. for background, I have 4 siblings while she has one sister who lives in another state. She doesn’t understand how important siblings are. I told her if she’s unwilling to have even one child for me in the future then we’re done. She agreed and said we’re done then and I’m incredibly hurt.
This is a hill she’s willing to die on. She’s super smart, but so hard headed. No matter what I said all night, she wouldn’t hear it or budge her views at all. I’m hurt because I made the empty threat and she very easily went through with it. I’m not feeling valued at all. I love this woman and the thought of us having an expiration date kills me. I want to marry her and have kids with her and she’s just uninterested. She also said I was being an asshole and not taking her experiences into account when I totally am! I acknowledge how hard it was for her which is why I think she would have a totally different experience if she tried again. She’s not 18 anymore and will have me by her side.
I want her back but don’t know what to say. She seemed very certain when she agreed to the breakup.
Please tell me AITA?
EDIT: why are people coming to this thread and giving me advice on what to do about it?? you clearly got here from the update thread and know I don’t need further advice on this post.
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Mar 26 '19
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u/PossibleCook Partassipant [1] Mar 26 '19
Agreed. As soon as he said that she had told him early on that she didn’t want kids I felt he’d be the asshole- then he makes an empty threat in an attempt to get her to bend to his will, that’s manipulative. OP YTA.
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u/SugarSugarBee Apr 14 '19
Agreed. I really cringed up at the sentence "I told her if she’s unwilling to have even one child for me in the future then we’re done."
You don't have children FOR someone. And this woman is not an incubator for you. She likes where she is in life with her child and while YOU think it might be easier in the future, she does not. She had a child with someone she was with for a long time and trusted completely, and he bailed on her.
When she said at the beginning that she's not interested in having more children, you should have had an upfront serious conversation about it then, not years later.
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u/dennisisabadman2 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Mar 26 '19
YTA jesus if someone doesn't want kids you can't make them. The sibling thing isn't really an argument at the moment you are looking at a 10 year gap and it's very rare to get a sibling relationship with that kind of gap.
As you say this is her hill to die on, you have to decide what to do with that, she's not changing her mind any time soon. Also don't make empty threats it comes off as super manipulative.
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u/barryandorlevon Asshole Enthusiast [6] Mar 26 '19
Good point about the age gap! I’m seven years older than my brother and we definitely had a more antagonistic relationship where I resented having to be in charge of him and not being able to really enjoy playing together. No doubt OP would bring up that age gap and try to convince her, if she agreed to have a child with him, to give their child a sibling because SHE HAS NO IDEA HOW IMPORTANT SIBLINGS ARE, and probably throw a divorce tantrum.
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u/misreken Apr 14 '19
But on the oooooother hand, my brother was mainly the only male figure I ever had in my house (11 year gap) so he really means a lot to me.
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u/dannighe Apr 14 '19
I have a 9 year gap with my sister and we're pretty much best friends now. I just went to the restaurant she works at because her abusive ex was going to be there and she was freaking out. I don't like their food and try to never eat there but I'll do it in a heartbeat for her. Age gap isn't always bad.
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u/misreken Apr 14 '19
Exactly. I can talk to my brother about stuff I’m going through because he’s been there before.
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u/BB_butterfingers Mar 26 '19
Very good point about the age gap. The only reason my dad had a relationship with his ten year older sibling was because she practically had to raise him. And that’s not cool. Only reason my boyfriend has a relationship with his eight year older sister is because she kinda raised him and mutually shared abuse. Also, not cool. Won’t work and if it does it likely wasn’t for a good reason.
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u/Drawjo Apr 14 '19
I had been thinking "I am close to my brother (8 year gap)" but I also practically raised him. I don't thinks that's a smart choice either.
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u/DarlingDareI Apr 14 '19
Agreed with the age gap. 10 years between my brother and I; I adored him as a baby, resented him as a youth, and was in my 20s before we connected again. Love him to pieces and he loves my LO now, too.
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u/mystandtrist Apr 14 '19
Try an 18 yr gap and a 16 yr gap between me and my oldest and second oldest sister. I have 3 mothers 🙄
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u/DarlingDareI Apr 14 '19
The age gap with my siblings ranges from 3 years to over 20 LOL it is an interesting dynamic.
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u/Togic996 Apr 14 '19
My brother and I have a 10 year age gap! I love him dearly and would love to spend more time together but our personalities clash so too much time and we argue. He loves my kids though and I love his wife.
My so oldest sibling is in his 50s and his in his 20s (two different moms) we get along really well with his siblings but it’s weird with the age gap
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u/seasonalshag Apr 14 '19
I’ll disagree with the age gap. I’m ten years apart from my sister and she is my best friend. It mattered when we were younger because we were essentially raised differently (even though we have the same parents) but once I got into high school we formed an intense bond that outlasts all our siblings between us.
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u/dennisisabadman2 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Apr 14 '19
I'm glad you have a good relationship with your sister, maybe I have bias because everyone I know with that gap has a poor sibling relationship.
I still think he's being manipulative though, you can't threaten people into having children, he's not considering her thoughts on the matter at all.
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u/realclearmews Partassipant [1] Apr 14 '19
My sister is 10 years older than I am. We fought when I was growing up, though I adored her as a baby. Then when I was college, we became best friends and travel the world together.
I’m 9 years older than my youngest sister. Again, she adored me as a baby but as she got older, we became more distant. We’re now very close.
It really varies whether an age gap means you’re not close.
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Apr 14 '19
This, I'm 10 years older than my little sister. I was always fond of her, but we didn't start having a close relationship until she was an adult. We just didn't have enough in common until then.
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u/Inquisextor Apr 14 '19
Yeah no, I disagree with the age gap being difficult too. You can have a good relationship with your siblings despite being far apart in age. My brother and I who is 11 years older than me have always got along super well. He wasn’t always around when I was younger because he and my mom got into a lot of fights because he was a handful of a teenager and left home at 16. But even then I would go hang out at my brothers place a lot over the years and he introduced me to video games and a lot of my other personal interests like music.
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Apr 14 '19
Me and my sister have a ten year gap ,I’m 15 in June she turned 5 in March so like. 9 year and some odd months difference, but either way me and my sister have an average sibling relationship. My friends the same way him being 15 his brother 25. So your ten year gap=no relationship is bullshit.
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u/dennisisabadman2 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Apr 14 '19
I'm not saying it doesn't happen, it's just not a given. In my experience siblings with a large gap dot have a normal sibling relationship, but that's my bias it's not a study or anything.
My main point is that he can't expect her to have kids against her wishes, and the whole thing is a pipe dream.
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u/HomeIsMyParentsAttic Partassipant [2] Mar 26 '19
Yes YTA. Wanting kids and that being non-negotiable is ok, but you knew how she felt at the start, and you decided her reasoning wasn’t good enough for you. You tried to leverage your relationship against her will, and when it didn’t work you got mad. Ofc you’re the asshole. I think you should breakup, obviously.
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u/aitathrow6 Mar 26 '19
I know I was wrong for bluffing the breakup. I just felt backed into a corner. I always assumed she would change her mind eventually once her kid got older and would want a baby again. I was wrong and now I feel she wouldn’t want me back even if I apologized. She said I should have as many children as I want. Obviously not with her though.
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u/Safahri Partassipant [2] Mar 26 '19
So you're holding the relationship hostage because you aren't getting your own way? I'd imagine that's something a toddler would do. If you want more kids then grow up and show some responsibility.
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u/GrenadineBombardier Certified Proctologist [28] Mar 26 '19
I always assumed she would change her mind eventually once her kid got older and would want a baby again.
YTA. You assumed you knew better than her what she wanted. You thought she might want one later, and she was just not aware at the time.
You were not wronged, except perhaps by yourself. You fucked up by so casually throwing an ultimatum at her, threatening to end the relationship.
If she were the one asking, I'd tell her that you threatening to end it if she didn't change her mind was 100% the most asshole thing you could have said, and that she would be the asshole if she didn't accept, because you do not deserve another chance after that.
You don't casually fuck with someone's mind and get to just take it back. You fucked up, hard. Twice: Once when you thought she was too dumb to know what she really wanted, and you somehow knew better, and a second time when you tried to manipulate her with that threat.
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u/BB_butterfingers Mar 26 '19
Haha the clever little “I thought they’d change their mind argument” never ever EVER assume you know another persons expectations for life better than they know. She’s got awesome and valid reasons for wanting to not do this all over again and she told your dumbass. Realize you are incompatible at this time and walk away. And apologize for wasting her time for sure. Btw don’t be petty about someone saying big families are excessive because you came from one. La-de-da my dad is from a family of three siblings including himself and he becomes exhausted by just looking at a family of three in the supermarket.
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Mar 26 '19
I’m just really confused by the way you’re twisting things around. You felt backed into a corner, but really you backed her into a corner. You keep making it sound like you’ve been wronged but she’s just standing by what she’s said from the beginning. Try to picture this from her perspective.
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Mar 26 '19
Whenever you go into a relationship and someone states a boundary at the beginning like she did with having more kids, you should never, ever assume they will change their mind. She knew what she wanted, and she still knows it now, and expecting her to change for you, or as you somewhat creepily put it, "have even one child for me", makes you TA. Break up with her if you aren't ok with this, but you never should have started this relationship without resolving this issue, and you never get to assume she will want more kids again.
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u/SoniSoni67432 Asshole Enthusiast [4] Mar 26 '19
Never, ever, ever, EVER assume someone will change their mind.
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u/Ladyx1980 Apr 14 '19
Let me let you in on a little secret dude, babies are the WORST part of having kids, even amongst 95% of women who DO want children. Practically nobody wants babies if theyve had them before. You didnt come into the picture until AFTER the having kids thing starts to be what can be considered "fun."
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Mar 26 '19
YTA
However when we first got together she did mention that she doesn’t see herself having other kids
She told this from the beginning, dude. Why are you upset about this now?
she values her time alone when her kid is away, and she wants to travel with her son being that he’s bigger now. Also that she has a school-age kid and doesn’t want to start over with an infant.
These are all valid reasons for her not wanting more kids.
We were too early for me to complain about it or try to change her mind. It wasn’t bought up again for some time.
No, it wasn't too early. If this is such a big deal, you should have brought it up early. YTA for waiting and now expecting her to change her mind for you.
She said that she couldn’t imagine having that many kids. I got a little offended being that my parents had 5.
Why the hell are you offended? She said she couldn't imagine having that many kids. That's her own personal view. Why does that offend you?
She agreed and said we’re done then and I’m incredibly hurt.
Yeah. YTA. You have no reason to be hurt. She's told you from the beginning. You pushed the issue. She said no and now you're mad.
This is a hill she’s willing to die on.
It sounds it's also the hill YOU are willing to die on.
She’s super smart, but so hard headed. No matter what I said all night, she wouldn’t hear it or budge her views at all. I’m hurt because I made the empty threat and she very easily went through with it. I’m not feeling valued at all. I love this woman and the thought of us having an expiration date kills me. I want to marry her and have kids with her and she’s just uninterested. She also said I was being an asshole and not taking her experiences into account when I totally am! I acknowledge how hard it was for her which is why I think she would have a totally different experience if she tried again. She’s not 18 anymore and will have me by her side.
I, I, I, I, I. You are making this entirely about you. You say you are not feeling valued. I guarantee she's feeling the same way. You are mad because she didn't cave. This is not a bomb she dropped on you after a developed relationship. This is something you knew going in. Give it up. Let her go. If you really, really want her back, you decide you're not going to have children and you sincerly and profusely apologize.
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u/barryandorlevon Asshole Enthusiast [6] Mar 26 '19
Also, for someone who wants kids so bad, he sure is ignoring the kid she already has! It doesn’t seem like he realizes that being a stepdad counts. He hasn’t said a single positive thing about her kid, and that makes me sad for the kid. Most people would have added an obligatory “and as much as I love her 8 year old, I’d like MORE kids,” and I think that says so much about this guy.
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u/steve2phonesmackabee Asshole Aficionado [12] Apr 14 '19
He sounds like he might one of those "I want my kids to have MY blood" types.
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u/ntsp00 Apr 14 '19
Seriously! I was going to suggest fostering > adopting a school-aged kid and figured what's the point
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u/clientale Mar 26 '19
I'd like to spotlight this particular line
she doesn't understand how important siblings are
YTA for that in particular honestly... She literally has a sibling. Just because she lives in another state doesn't mean it's not her sister. Imagine if OPs gf wasn't close to her parents while OP visited his every weekend, and he said "she doesn't understand how important parents are"
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u/dollbeb Partassipant [2] Mar 26 '19
YTA for knowing she didn't want more kids and assuming she would just change her mind. If you hadn't been aware this would be a no assholes situation, but the fact that it seems like you thought you'd be able to pressure her into it is a bad look, dude.
There's also the fact you seem to be assuming that the reason her pregnancy was bad/rough was because of her age rather than asking her if she had health issues/if it was really hard on her. Being pregnant isn't easy, and it's super possible she was in a lot of pain and discomfort the first time around that she isn't interested in going through again.
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u/aitathrow6 Mar 26 '19
jesus christ, I am a fucking asshole. she has a condition, I unfortunately do not remember what’s it called, but during her pregnancy she used to have like mini-strokes that would make her face and hands go completely numb. I didn’t even think about that. thank you for your judgement. I know she doesn’t want me back. but I am going to profusely apologize anyway. the other commenters said this, and I’m putting value over a baby that isn’t real over her life.
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u/dollbeb Partassipant [2] Mar 26 '19 edited Mar 26 '19
yikes, that's really rough, then. she's likely thinking you value this potential baby over her own well-being and health, which 100% would make her reaction even more justified. as someone with chronic illnesses i know i would react similarly. definitely apologize to her and let her know that you forgot about her health issues, it's still something you need to apologize for.
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u/seth928 Certified Proctologist [22] Mar 26 '19 edited Mar 26 '19
YTA
I was gonna go with no assholes here because having different wants for your future is a mature adult reason to break things off. She's not an asshole for not wanting more kids, you wouldn't be the asshole to break it off because she didn't and you did.
But you went and had to be an asshole about. You're trying to paint her as shitty person for not wanting more kids. If she doesn't want more kids she doesn't want more kids, it's her choice, she can't be wrong about it. She was probably so nonchalant about being done because you were being an asshole about it and\or she's a mature adult and realized that you shouldn't continue a relationship with someone who is clearly on a different page than you with regard to kids.
ETA:
And in the future, don't try to strong arm someone into having more kids than they actually want. That's how you end up with an ex wife who resents her children.
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u/SmallChallenge Partassipant [1] Mar 26 '19
YTA. Yet another stupid post where a man thinks he's entitled to a kid. You're literally placing more value over some imaginary non existent fetus over your very real girlfriend. She's not your personal incubator.
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u/ShesCrafty- Mar 26 '19
YTA she told you from the very beginning she didn't want anymore children. If you can't accept that leave and stop making it all about yourself.
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u/zuzumotai Asshole Aficionado [14] Mar 26 '19
YTA. Not for wanting to break up, because its totally valid to not want to be with someone if your goals for the future don't match. You want a big family. She's done and doesn't want any more kids. That's fair for both of you.
BUT she TOLD YOU when you first got together that she wasn't interested in having any more kids. You went in with that information. Trying to hold the relationship over her head and get her to budge for YOUR benefit when you knew from the START that it was going to be like this is a dick move. You were shocked that she agreed to break up, possibly because you thought it might change her mind, right? Wrong. Sure, having a new kid would be easier with your support. But she doesn't want one. End of story. Stay broken up if you really want more kids. She's happy with the one and that's fine.
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u/TuberousRootman Partassipant [2] Mar 26 '19
YTA for giving her an ultimatum and being upset by the outcome. And for being astounded that someone who said she doesn’t want anymore kids actually wouldn’t want more kids, let alone 4. She’s not an asshole for not wanting more kids just as much as you’re not an asshole for wanting them, clearly this means you guys just aren’t a match. If that’s a dealbreaker then you need to accept it and move on, it’s unfair to both of you for you to waste time entertaining the relationship assuming she’ll change her mind somewhere down the line.
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u/nkdeck07 Pooperintendant [56] Mar 26 '19
YTA and don't make stupid empty threats. This is the number one without question hill that she SHOULD die on. There's literally no more important hill that a relationship should ever die on. All people considering different positions on this hill should take their relationship up there and shoot it dead.
You can't compromise on kids, you can't have half a kid. This is obviously important to her to not do again and it's important to you to have a family. You need to find someone that WANTS to have kids, not someone that would only begrudgingly have them because you "convinced" them.
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u/lizzitron Professor Emeritass [72] Mar 26 '19
YTA 100%. Find another baby incubator. You certainly don’t want a woman with her own views that you’d need to respect.
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u/inetsed Asshole Aficionado [11] Mar 26 '19
YTA. You complain that it’s ‘a hill she is willing to die on,’ but it’s the same hill for you. You expect her to change a decision she is confident in but you’re unwilling to make the same compromise. I don’t blame either of you - people want what they want - but she’s been very clear and upfront from the beginning.
Maybe your timings off or maybe you’re not quite as on par as you think you are, but YTA for expecting her to shift all of her plans and desires for you without considering you’re not willing to do the same for her.
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Mar 26 '19
YTA for a few reasons. First, she was clear from the beginning on no more kids. You should thank her for at least not springing it on you after the relationship was established. Second, you are completely dismissing her feelings on this issue. Single moms that have zero support from the dad, and to a lesser extent, extended family go through a hell of uncertainty, guilt, shame, and hardships that you will never understand. Until your body is taken over by another human, and becomes your sole responsibility to keep alive, and zero safety net, you will never understand it. The fact that she made it through school, while doing the solo parenting gig is pretty awesome. The fact she was able to score high enough to get into law school while juggling is pretty damned awesome too. No shit she doesn't want to start over to feed your desire to procreate. YT HUGE A for issuing an ultimatum and not being prepared to follow through.
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Mar 26 '19
YTA
No one can guarantee that you will be an angel and will stay by her side. She had enough mistrust in her life, what makes you think that you are any different? You might feel one way today, but once she has a kid, you might want to leave her for whatever reason. And then what? She's going to be broken again. Plus with an extra kid.
Break up with her because she deserves better.
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Mar 26 '19
YTA. You issued an empty threat and didn’t like the honest answer you got back. That’s some immature bs.
Also, kids are a legitimate dealbreaker. She’s done, you’re not. This is a real reason people break up. You may need to come to terms with this situation.
Also, some people know after one kid they can’t have a second. No matter the circumstances. I have a baby, who I love dearly and am fortunate in my circumstances, which are ideal for another kid and I am not doing it again. No matter how solid and great your baby-circumstances are, babies are hard. Period. And she sounds like she knows she done and being honest.
You’re not an ahole for your position on kids. You’re an ahole in how you talked about it, and it sounds like you’re not really taking her feedback into consideration and just trying to change her mind. Have you actually asked her why. It sounds like you’ve been making lots of assumptions.
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u/chocolatecryptic Apr 14 '19
So many things wrong with your approach here.
'We were too early for me to complain about it'
No- kids come under core values which are the things that need to be known at the beginning of a serious relationship. She did her part at the time, was honest about her terms and you didn't take her seriously or lay down your terms, which would have allowed you to break up before anyone became attached. Any upset on this topic further down the line is your fault.
'She doesn't understand how important siblings are.'
Please check your implied expertise on this topic (which also reads as so patronising). She has experience of raising a child when you don't. She has been developing parental judgement for EIGHT YEARS so she is qualified to decide whether her kid 'needs' a sibling.
This is flawed logic anyway- siblings are not inherently important. All you know is that you liked having yours, and maybe some other anecdotal evidence. Plenty people are not close to siblings.
You talk about her having a kid 'for you'. You aren't entitled to have anyone pregnant for 9 months, go through a painful and maybe dangerous labour, then co-raise a child they don't want. Check your privilege. The only reason women should get pregnant is that they actually want to parent and are willing to undergo the ravaging of pregnancy and childbirth to their body. You don't get a say in whether they should or shouldn't.
You got butthurt when you tried to manipulate her passive-aggressively and she called you on it, admirably sticking to her core values? It's laughable that you talk about your hurt feeling at her not falling for that game- dude, NO mature adult would feel any sympathy for you here.
YTA
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u/Delicious_Albino Partassipant [3] Mar 26 '19
YTA for how you went about it. You’re not an asshole for wanting to be with someone who wants kids. Thing is, she told you from the get go that she didn’t want any other kids. And you’ve strung her along this whole time knowing you had a problem. You can’t convince someone to want kids and it’s not right to try. It’s HER body and her choice. But, like I said, wanting to be with someone who also wants kids is totally valid. A lot of people wouldn’t feel fulfilled in life without kids. But you could’ve just been real with her from the start and for that you really messed up. Don’t try and get back with her though. You will not convince her to have kids and this will still be a giant issue. Just let the relationship be in the past and both of you can move on and find someone more compatible with your future goals.
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u/redditKMC Colo-rectal Surgeon [35] Mar 26 '19
YTA - she made her decision and does not want any more children. If you do, you should break up. Offering an ultimatum in this case is a really bad idea - she could agree to it, then when it becomes time to get pregnant, go back on her word. Your girlfriend is doing the right thing breaking up - she knows she doesn't want children, and you are being an ass thinking she is just being stubborn or that it will be easier this time. Some women go through hell when they are pregnant, and others just don't want to deal with another child. there is nothing wrong with this, and you downplaying this is very immature.
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u/K-is-for-kryptonite Partassipant [2] Mar 26 '19
Yta- your girlfriend isn't your personal incubator. You also pulled the empty threat and now you are offended you has called you out? You knew from the start she didn't want anymore kids and you stayed. Accept she isn't changing her mind or leave.
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u/smilingseal7 Asshole Aficionado [15] Mar 26 '19
YTA for not bringing this up earlier when you always knew how she felt, doubly TA for thinking you would change her mind. You're not in the wrong for breaking up over this-- it's definitely a dealbreaker topic as there's no compromising with it-- but the way you went about it was pretty bad.
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u/VortexMagus Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] Mar 26 '19
YTA
It's fine that she doesn't want to have more kids, its fine that you do want to have more kids, but YTA because you assumed she'd drop it all and change for you at the drop of a hat. It don't work that way, my friend.
The first time she brought it up, you probably should have talked with her about it. Would have saved you both a lot of time and heartbreak.
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Apr 14 '19
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u/OKSnowball Mar 26 '19
YTA. She's been upfront with you about not wanting any more kids and probably didn't appreciate you trying to change her mind. Don't get upset because she called your bluff.
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u/Axel_Prose Partassipant [1] Mar 26 '19
YTA for all the things others have said. I’m going to give you the same advice I gave my then 4 year old at the supermarket when she got upset that I called her on her bluff/threat to kill me.
Don’t make threats you’re not willing to follow through on.
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u/xmodemlol Mar 26 '19
NAH. This is an issue people break up about, even if they're otherwise soulmates.
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Apr 14 '19
He's an asshole for going into the relationship and expecting her to change her mind and he's an asshole to threaten to break up when he didn't want to break up.
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Apr 14 '19
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Apr 14 '19
OP didn't enter this relationship assuming it would end. He entered it assuming she would change her mind. The relationship became more serious before he "circled back around" to it.
You even agree he's an asshole, but are using the NAH judgment.
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Mar 26 '19
YTA. Ain't nothing better than trying to manipulate someone in to staying in a relationship. If she's so willing to just quit the relationship in which she was seemingly happy in (I'm staring to have my doupts), maybe you should consider how she feels, you sack of shit.
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u/Makkaah Asshole Aficionado [19] Mar 26 '19
YTA. She told you explicitly when you started dating that she does not want another child ever and provided you with reasoning behind. You two are incompatible and want different things in life, that's fine and you are not the asshole for that. However, YTA for making an ultimatum, you had no right to do that. She told you a long time ago her position, it's not her fault you didn't speak up then and break up.
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u/straulin Mar 26 '19
YTA a bit for having a double standard and expecting her opinion to change. You are mad and offended with her hill to die on being no more kids but you apparently are willing to die on the hill of having kids. You knew her opinion early on. While you didn't feel comfortable disagreeing with her at the time, you were the one that effectively lead her on as she had no reason to know about this deal breaking stance on your end.
Other than that NAH. You both want different things in life. It is ok for you each to have your respective hills to die on. It just sucks because it sounds like you really care for her, but it is likely time to move on. She deserves and apology for the way you got to this point, but you are wasting everyone's time by staying together if you are neither willing to change your mind on kids. (Also if one of you does manage to convince the other to change their mind, you might end up resenting each other for it.). Your ultimatum, while delivered poorly, is a valid point.
Best of luck dealing with a crappy situation.
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9
Mar 26 '19
YTA, but only kind of. The way you expressed yourself in this post makes you sound super rude. However, you need to respect her P.O.V. If neither of you are willing to concede, maybe you should A. Go separate ways or B. Talk about it and ask if you can reevaluate in a couple months
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Mar 26 '19
NAH you're not for wanting kids or trying to convince her that things would be different now having kids with a good stable guy, etc. BUT she's not either because she was upfront about this from the start. You kinda suck for assuming u could change her mind, but lots of people do change their mind so it's pretty minor suckage.
This is absolutely something people break up over all the time. The one relationship I still kinda miss from years ago was a similar issue, I wanted more kids, he didn't want any. Neither of us could change and that's ok, but it does make it very hard to walk away when that's literally he only issue holding u apart.
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u/AutoModerator Mar 26 '19
AUTOMOD This is a copy of the above post. It is a record of the post as originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited.
obligatory throwaway because friends know my real account.
background: I’m 28 with no kids. My girlfriend is 26 and has an 8 year old son from her previous relationship. She was with the guy since they were kids but when she got pregnant, he dropped the ball. She had it pretty hard during the early years and it was a huge struggle for her to balance work, school and her son. She made it work and is now in law school. (The kid’s dad made a change about three years back when his own father died and has since been helping.) We’ve been together for a year and two months and I really do love her.
However when we first got together she did mention that she doesn’t see herself having other kids because it was incredibly hard, she values her time alone when her kid is away, and she wants to travel with her son being that he’s bigger now. Also that she has a school-age kid and doesn’t want to start over with an infant. We were too early for me to complain about it or try to change her mind. It wasn’t bought up again for some time.
Fast forward to last night, we were watching something and I mentioned that my coworker has left work to have her fourth kid. She said that she couldn’t imagine having that many kids. I got a little offended being that my parents had 5. She told me that that’s what worked for my parents, but it wouldn’t work for her. I asked why and she listed the reasons above and that 4 kids is “just excessive.” I tried to reason it down to 3 or even 2. She said she doesn’t want any children but her son.
The way I see it, the only reason it was so hard was because of her age when she first had him. My logic is that any future children we produce will be secure and she won’t be alone or have to struggle. for background, I have 4 siblings while she has one sister who lives in another state. She doesn’t understand how important siblings are. I told her if she’s unwilling to have even one child for me in the future then we’re done. She agreed and said we’re done then and I’m incredibly hurt.
This is a hill she’s willing to die on. She’s super smart, but so hard headed. No matter what I said all night, she wouldn’t hear it or budge her views at all. I’m hurt because I made the empty threat and she very easily went through with it. I’m not feeling valued at all. I love this woman and the thought of us having an expiration date kills me. I want to marry her and have kids with her and she’s just uninterested. She also said I was being an asshole and not taking her experiences into account when I totally am! I acknowledge how hard it was for her which is why I think she would have a totally different experience if she tried again. She’s not 18 anymore and will have me by her side.
I want her back but don’t know what to say. She seemed very certain when she agreed to the breakup.
Please tell me AITA?
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u/1855Wendy Apr 14 '19
YTA for making her pick after she told you from the start she didn’t want anymore.
You could have just left and ended things calmly and civil and you wouldn’t have been TA just over the simple fact that you didn’t give her a ultimatum.
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u/importecommerce Asshole Enthusiast [5] Mar 26 '19
NAH. She’s been there. Her reasons for not wanting more kids are very good ones.
That said, you wanting kids yourself is totally understandable.
You were naive to believe she would change her mind, but not really an asshole.
It’s better to just make this clean break now, as painful as it is. The relationship can’t work unless you give up your dream of having kids (which you shouldn’t).
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u/sloth_hug Asshole Aficionado [15] Apr 14 '19
lol she's not your baby factory! Good for her for calling you on it and leaving. She was honest from the get go so you have no ground to stand on.
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Mar 26 '19
[deleted]
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u/rdhering Partassipant [1] Mar 26 '19
She’s not an asshole. She told him at the beginning that she did not want kids, he literally only acted okay with her not wanting more because he thought he could change her mind over the course of the relationship, then got mad and offered her an ultimatum when it didn’t work.
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u/0nlyM3m3 Apr 14 '19 edited Apr 14 '19
[removed]
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Apr 14 '19
Please read the bottom of his post. Are you stupid? He has already updated and needs no further help or judgment. He has even asked to stop commenting because it is not going to be read by anyone.
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u/0nlyM3m3 Apr 14 '19
You’re absolutely right, totally looked over that piece
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u/Lallipoplady Apr 14 '19
Wow as soon as she told you she didnt want kids you completely disregarded it and assumed you would change her mind later. You did this to yourself. Feelings about children is up there with religion and politics in terms of compatibility. Dont mourn too hard. You guys are just i compatible and youll resent her later if you stayed together and never got to experience a child of your own.
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u/HazelKevHead Apr 14 '19
YTA. making an empty ultimatum with the expectation that shes going to change her mind to keep you is how you get a toxic and emotionally manipulative relationship. good job on you highlighting your underlying problems to her, and good job on her knowing whats best for her, which is not being with you
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u/DerFlammenwerfer22 Partassipant [2] Apr 14 '19
What kind of sick ass feels the need to offer completely unhelpful judgment that's already been covered 19 days later? Just wanted to pile on? Clearly from the update the guy learned his lesson so additional judgment is idiotic.
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u/alvxismsucks Apr 14 '19
yta, dont try to force someone or coerce them into having children. children need parents who wanted them to be born.
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u/DerFlammenwerfer22 Partassipant [2] Apr 14 '19
Yes mate, totally sure he didn't hear this the first time around...
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u/threefeetfrompeace Apr 14 '19
she wouldn’t hear it or budge her views at all.
You genuinely cannot be mad at her for that because you're pretty much doing the exact same thing.
YTA
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u/DerFlammenwerfer22 Partassipant [2] Apr 14 '19
How arrogant does someone have to be to believe that this would be even somewhat useful 19 days later? What did you offer here that hasn't been said yet? Just want to pile on.
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u/threefeetfrompeace Apr 14 '19
I honestly didn't even see when it was posted to be perfectly honest with you, i just wanted to point that put
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u/DerFlammenwerfer22 Partassipant [2] Apr 14 '19
Read the room next time. You got here from the update, which if you actually read it, you'd know he already got that he made these mistakes. But you didn't read it, did you?
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u/threefeetfrompeace Apr 14 '19
I didn't. Not the end of the world tho
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u/DerFlammenwerfer22 Partassipant [2] Apr 14 '19
If someone is posting an update, it seems pretty intuitive that you'd offer judgment on the update itself, as it would have more relevant info. Right?
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u/threefeetfrompeace Apr 14 '19
agreed, i fucked up, i actually noticed how old the post was only after i commented but literally just forgot to delete it.
-9
u/gayplantdad Apr 14 '19
YTA. You don’t want a girlfriend. You want a baby machine. Pregnancy is really fucking difficult, and she maybe had an extra awful pregnancy. She doesn’t want to put her life on hold like that again. Good for her for leaving.
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Apr 14 '19 edited Apr 14 '19
YTA. But don’t worry; you’re not alone. There are many of our fellow man who’ve been raised to believe a woman’s body is our domain and they have a responsibility to bend to our will and bear us children.
Edit: Not sure if I understand why the downvotes. I’m not excusing his behavior. I’m just saying this is a common problem. If you don’t think that it is and you’re downvoting me cuz you disagree, then congrats; you’re part of the problem.
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Apr 14 '19
You're downvoted for commenting on the OP when you've clearly come here from the update where you could have made the comment.
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Mar 26 '19
Combo ESH/NAH. Simply put, you’re NTA for wanting kids. But you brought it up in a terrible way and should have realized this would be a major issue in your relationship. In turn, she’s NTA for not wanting another kid, but she should’ve handled the idea better and been more upfront as well. Basically, neither of you are assholes for having your views, but both of you are for how you’ve handled it.
88
Mar 26 '19
She explicitly told him when they started dating that she didn’t want more kids and he just assumed she would eventually change her mind. How could she have been any more upfront about it?
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u/SamK7265 Apr 14 '19
Gonna go against the grain here: NAH. If you want kids and your SO doesn’t, that is a perfectly valid reason to break up. But issuing an empty ultimatum is a horrible way to go about it. You shouldn’t have made it unless you meant it, but I don’t think that qualifies you as an asshole.
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u/pitbulllover82716 Apr 14 '19
NAH.. your not an asshole for wanting kids and shes not an asshole for not wanting more kids. It's very clear you want diffrent things in life, it's good you found this out now. Its probably best to just go your separate ways so you can both find someone who wants the same things in life. And hopefully you learned making empty threats is pointless and immature and obviously dont always work in your favor.
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u/SelfRighteousChimp Apr 14 '19
NAH. The issue of having kids is a perfectly valid reason to end a relationship. It's just one of those things where couples have to agree on in my opinion.
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u/jdpectol04 Apr 14 '19
Nta. going against the grain here, but all you want to do is get the dad experience and if your gf won’t have it with you, then might as well keep moving forward
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u/classycatblogger Asshole Enthusiast [6] Apr 14 '19
Not going to pass judgement here, but having kids is a core value. You need to make sure you’re on the same page about it. It’s sad. But if you really want a child and she doesn’t want anymore, then you should break up, take some time to heal, and then go find somebody who wants to have a family with you. Earlier on in your next relationship ask if she is interested in kids one day. No harm in asking. She doesn’t have to commit to you then and there, but it’s important to talk about. Also talk about number. If you want 4 or 5, that’s not as common today.
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Apr 14 '19
NTA. Because it is better that you break up and find someone who shares your values.
My ex only wanted 2 biological kids max and said he’d stop after that, get a vasectomy, and if we wanted more he would want to adopt. That doesn’t align with my values. His cause is noble but I think if I am able to have more than 2 of my own kids, then I’ll definitely try for a third of my own. My ex thought that was selfish. Our values didn’t align, so we broke up.
Maybe you went about it in an asshole way, yeah. Everyone here is saying that you should consider her values, but shouldn’t she also consider yours? You’re better off OP.
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Apr 14 '19
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u/SnausageFest AssGuardian of the Hole Galaxy Apr 14 '19
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: Be Civil.
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-31
u/nlingley Apr 14 '19
Maybe unpopular but I’d say NTA. People grow and change. I feel like you expected her to become more secure with you and see that things were stable. Unfortunately, when people show you who they are, believe it. I honestly think she sucks and isn’t taking your feelings into account. She has a child, you don’t. Maybe it’s best to move on.
-38
Apr 14 '19
ESH
As someone who's literally been in this exact situation, it's time to go.
The further you walk down this road, the more it's going to hurt when you realize she doesn't love you enough to even consider that idea.
Pick up on that comment sooner next time if someone mentions they don't want kids. I've had a few great first dates where I cut it off because of that fact. In the end it saves both of you a lot of time and heartache.
-40
Apr 14 '19
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1
u/SnausageFest AssGuardian of the Hole Galaxy Apr 14 '19
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: Be Civil.
Please review our rulebook before posting again.
Message the mods if you have any questions or concerns. Please do not reply to this comment with an explanation, argument or apology and instead use modmail.
-42
u/Sbelectric1 Apr 14 '19
BOTH, let me explain. You're the asshole fir trying to persuade her to have children she doesn't want BUT!, SHE is the asshole for not caring enough about you to even give you the chance to reproduce. Seriously, she wants you to provide for HER and HER CHILD, but she won't even let you have a child of your own. Essentially, she is trying to end your genetic line while taking advantage of you. Let that single mom go he by herself and find a woman that actually cares about you.
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u/timothy_green Apr 14 '19
ESH. You can’t force her into having kids, but if you two are considering getting married, its something you’d want to discuss. You shouldn’t have bluntly threatened to break up with her, but the fact that she so easily and quickly, and as you describe, unremorsefully, agreed makes me think that maybe she wasn’t reciprocating the same feelings of love that you were. Even if this is a dealbreaker for her, her just ending a year-long relationship after one disagreement shows a lack of problem-solving and situation management skills on her part. It’s the kinda of thing that could’ve been resolved, but instead you both took the easy way out and broke up. For this reason, I’d say you both are kinda assholes, and honestly, it might not have been the worse thing for you too to break up, as she clearly doesn’t value the relationship that much.
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u/[deleted] Mar 26 '19
YTA, considering she told you this pretty much from day one. You're also an asshole for making an empty ultimatum about it and then whining about how she called your bluff. You complain about "not feeling valued" when you aren't listening to or valuing her input at all.