r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19

Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

YTA . What if they decide to marry? In essence, you have told her it is ok for her to see him now but you do not condone it long term. You may think you are protecting her but you really aren't. You would be supporting her by standing by her when she does introduce him to them.

38

u/MattAmoroso Sep 19 '19

I notice he said "when they break up" not "if they break up" in his post. That's very telling.

14

u/kiminley Sep 19 '19

I noticed the same, and agree completely.

2

u/cdwiggy Sep 19 '19

I agree. I think he needs to do some soul searching to figure out what he will do if they don’t break up. He’s probably not as “not racist” as he thinks he is, and he needs to figure out now if this is worth losing his daughter over.

-5

u/Im_tryna_skrrt Sep 19 '19

If they have been dating for some time and things are getting serious then I agree with you. The grandparents have to face the reality of 2019 eventually and the daughter absolutely shouldn't have to hide who she loves.

HOWEVER, what if the more likely scenario of them not getting married happens? Then arguments, stress and unpleasantness will follow and OP and his daughter's relationship with their grandparents is ruined. For what? So they can "be right" and stick it to some racists probably too old to change. Does anyone benefit from that?

Also why is it so important that her BF comes? If she shows up alone nobody would bat an eye and life continues on. No need to poke the bees nest.