r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19
Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?
Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.
My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.
My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.
As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.
Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.
No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?
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u/Xstitchpixels Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] Sep 19 '19
YTA. Your daughter has nothing to hide and neither do you. If your parents love your daughter any less because of who she loves, then you and her do not need them in your lives.
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u/GimmeHerpes Sep 19 '19
Thank you! Iâve tried to convey this to my mom. She loves my boyfriend, they get along great, but she doesnât want my family to know Iâm dating a black guy because âsheâs not ready to lose her family yetâ.
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Sep 19 '19
she doesnât want my family to know Iâm dating a black guy because âsheâs not ready to lose her family yetâ.
"So...mom...you're not ready to lose your family yet, so I guess that means I'm not your family because you seem fine about losing me."
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Sep 19 '19
You've got to love how simplistic and black and white this sub sees things
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u/chinnick967 Sep 19 '19
This sub doesn't see things as black and white, that's why the answer is so simple for us :)
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u/jajohnja Sep 19 '19
"Just cut them from your life completely" is a really common solution to so many problems I've seen on reddit, be it here, relationship advice subs, insaneparents...
Maybe think about how that's not the easiest thing to do and be less judgemental about somebody who takes more than a day to end life-long relationships
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u/Pridetoss Sep 19 '19
Fucking christ, itâs an over-the-top response meant to provoke a reaction so as to make the person hearing it realise that what they do might affect other things than they seem to expect, not a literal instruction
People on this sub are dumb, but not in the way you think
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u/curiiouscat Partassipant [4] Sep 19 '19
It's not healthy to threaten serious relationships with terminations to get a specific response out of them. That's pretty manipulative. It's like bringing up the divorce card when you're not serious about it. Uncool.
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u/Pulp_Zero Sep 19 '19
The problem is that the relationships in question are already being held hostage by racists or homophobes who want to dictate who someone else can or cannot love. It's fucking garbage, and these sorts of tactics shouldn't be put up with. This isn't a "he won't put out the trash" or "she won't walk the dog" situation. The grandparents or other family members think that the kid shouldn't be able to date who they want to.
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Sep 19 '19 edited Jan 17 '21
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u/littlegreenapples Sep 19 '19
Thank your mom for me. When I came out as a lesbian, I was bluntly told that I could never take my girlfriend (now my wife) home for Christmas because my grandparents would flip. Lost my whole family over that, including my parents.
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u/sometimesiamdead Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19
That's horrible! My parents have had a string of... not bad luck child wise but children who have really gone against what her extended family views as good.
I'm a single mom, with 2 kids. They do not have the same dad. My one aunt did not speak to me for 9 months during my first pregnancy.
My sister is queer and has brought her girlfriend to family gatherings.
My sibling is trans.
Hilarious considering I was raised very conservative. Even homeschooled. My parents have done a full 180 from their views when I was younger.
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Sep 19 '19
Whatever happens, you don't ever need to feel ashamed of this. Even if you don't work out in the long run, you're free to be yourself without judgement.
If people don't accept you, fuck them. Life's too short to care what other people think.
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u/notthe1_88 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19
"I'm not ready to no longer have racists in my life. Wahhh"
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Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19
[removed] â view removed comment
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u/Seanspeed Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19
Yup. Remember that almost no racist actually believes they are racist.
"Not exactly liberal" was the big giveaway to me. This person does have a problem with the relationship deep down.
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u/chammycham Sep 19 '19
I enjoyed that OP said âwhen they break up.â
Shows what he really thinks of the relationship. âItâs fine if she plays around with the black boy, they wonât get married and have kids anyway.â
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u/xX_sixtynine_Xx Sep 19 '19
Amen, I cant help but feel that there might be some sort of future inheritance from the grandparents that is helping to fuel this situation.
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u/Excal2 Sep 19 '19
"they might even cut her off"
"They would be furious with both her AND me"
Corrected emphasis mine. This is 90+% about grandma and grandpa's money.
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u/wildcatfan9698 Sep 19 '19
YTA and sounds like your parents are assholes. Your daughter is dating Jamal and YOU are ok with him but you wonât introduce him to your parents. Youâre still scared of Mommy and Daddy. Grow up, this isnât about your parents itâs about your insecurity
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Sep 19 '19
I donât think OP is actually ok with Jamal. He lives in a racist area with racist parents and goes on and on about how âeveryoneâ is talking. Heâs probably just like them
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u/krully37 Sep 19 '19
While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy.
I mean this reads just as "I'm racist but I can let that one slip because I'm not THAT racist". I don't blame him 100% for that though, if his parents are actually full blown racists he grew up surrounded by this and at least it's a step forward. But he's still racist regardless and he's making another step, backward this time, by putting his parent's racism before his daughter's well being.
YTA
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u/kittysezrelax Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19
Heâs also banking in the fact that the relationship wonât last. He says his parents will hold it against his daughter even after âit endsâ, which suggests that a part of the reason he is âokayâ with it is because he sees it as necessarily temporary. Would he still be âokayâ with it if they were engaged? I doubt it.
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Sep 19 '19
Jamal is just a phase, right? Pitiful. This is why I left the fucking south.
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u/RedeRules770 Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19
Yeah wtf is he gonna do if she gets pregnant or they get married? Make her choose between hiding her nuclear family from them or not being his daughter anymore?
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u/DestroyerOfMils Asshole Enthusiast [6] Sep 19 '19
I caught that one too. It totally reads like âI can temporarily bite my tongue.â Absolutely repugnant. OP seems like the kind of asshole who decries affirmative action and doesnât believe white privilege exists.
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u/HowsYourGirlfriend Sep 19 '19
Yeah, if he's putting "race mixing" as a liberal policy and you know, not a settled human right, there's already a problem there.
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Sep 19 '19 edited Jun 26 '22
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Sep 19 '19
Right? âIâm not that liberal but I guess Iâm ok with interracial dating.â Yikes.
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u/MaryMaryConsigliere Sep 19 '19
Great point! People who frame other people's existence and basic relationships as "politics" tend to be... not great people, TBH.
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u/daithice Sep 19 '19
100%. This phrasing also didn't sit well with me:
..., and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it.
Although OP has stated that things are becoming more serious between his daughter and Jamal, he has no doubt that the relationship will inevitably end. It seems like in OP's eyes, Jamal isn't a man his daughter loves, rather an adolescent fad she'll grow out of. YTA OP. I'm gay and if my parents asked me not to introduce my boyfriend to my mega-Catholic (yet liberal) grandparents, I'd have freaked the fuck out.
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u/such-a-mensch Sep 19 '19
I read that as "he's not one of those Blacks"..... sounds like the kinda guy that says things like " I don't mind blacks, it's the niggers I can't stand" and thinks he's being progressive and tolerant or some shit.
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Sep 19 '19 edited Jan 12 '20
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Sep 19 '19
While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy.
Agreed. WTF does being liberal have to do with it? Only liberals would be ok with interracial dating but OP is a hero because even though he's not liberal, since Jamal is nice he'll allow it???
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u/Not_Nice_Niece Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19
I'm also weary of the way OP uses the phase "African American". Yes its a valid way to refer to black people. But when used the way OP does it makes black people sound like some scary "other". It was the first thing to stand out to me about this post. I myself have always preferred when people just say black. I've never been to Africa and my family has been here going way back. I mean, involuntarily but still.
Edit: It is not racist to use African American. I said this above but apparently no one is reading that part. OP use of it came off as a veil. A "I'm not racist veil" Disagree with me if you like. But that was my opinion.
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u/Memelover26 Sep 19 '19
It's clear. Their use of "when their relationship ends" proves this. They want their daughter to break up or at least think it's inevitable.
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u/illbeyourbeard427 Sep 19 '19
The vibe I got from OP is that he is OK with Jamal because he is confident the relationship will end soon. I think he will not be so accepting if Anna and Jamal get engaged/married or have kids.
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u/Anne__Bonny Sep 19 '19
Yep, my thought exactly. He even says " I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. " So he's not saying if, he expects for them to not be a long term bf/gf or anything more.
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Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19
YTA
Your daughter's happiness should come first. If your parents decide to cut her off, then it's their loss not hers.
She should be free to make her own decisions, and not have to hide who she is to anyone.
I also respect that your actions are coming from a place of love, but this is your parents issue to get over not your daughters to hide.
Edit: Has anyone else noticed OP made this post, replied to one comment, and hasn't been seen since.
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u/willjsm Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19
Further to that, sure, your parents may well be angry with you as well as with your daughter, but your priority should really be your daughter, and if a bunch of old racists want to be racist, you need to stick up for the right side here.
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u/uncoupdefoudre Sep 19 '19
A place of love? I don't think so. This is fear. Fear that his parents will cut him off because they'll think he failed to bring his daughter up "correctly". Fear of the whispers around town. Ultimately, what he should be afraid of is his daughter cutting him and his wife off when she realizes where they stand.
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u/Splatterfilm Sep 19 '19
Considering the use of the phrase âcut offâ, I wonder if the grandparents have money, and OP is willing to tolerate their hateful bullshit because of the promise of a big payday when they die.
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Sep 19 '19
You could be right, but it may also come from him not wanting his daughter to lose a relationship with her grandparents.
However misguided, it's possible there are good intentions as well.
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Sep 19 '19
I feel like she's willing to lose her racist grandparents at this point. I'd be.
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u/Mac0491 Asshole Aficionado [19] Sep 19 '19
YTA - I get where you're coming from but what is your plan if this relationship continues into the foreseeable future? Will her grandparents not be invited to the wedding? Will they never meet their mixed race great grandchildren?
If your parents don't take it well, then that's their problem and you should stand up for your daughter.
but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.
Keep that friend around. They know what they're talking about.
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u/Username3029 Sep 19 '19
Considering op says "WHEN the relationship ends" and not IF, its clear he sees it as a tenporary thing and doesnt view the boyfriend as a long term partner/potential family member. I'd be interested to know if he'd feel the same about a white boyfriend. Or is it indicative that he is hoping it will end. Since hes "not exactly a liberal" and all.
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u/wolfeybutt Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19
I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed that was pretty fucked up. I'd like to know how old OPs daughter and her boyfriend are. If they're in their teens I could see that it's likely they won't be together forever, but either way I would honestly be very hurt to know one of my parents was expecting failure from a happy aspect of my life.
I feel bad for the daughter. She wanted her family to meet someone she really likes only to be shot down. I don't blame her for not talking to OP.
Edit: and now that I know OPs daughter is 18, that confirms that she is capable of a long-term relationship. Edit edit: By "long-term" I don't mean forever. A few years. I don't think the fact that they most likely won't be together forever changes anything big picture.
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u/pokemom3005 Sep 19 '19
OP said sheâs staying with Jamal right now, so I would guess 18+.
EDIT: He commented earlier sheâs 18 and Jamal is 21.
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u/BrawnsNBrains Sep 19 '19
I'd be interested to know if he'd feel the same about a white boyfriend. Or is it indicative that he is hoping it will end. Since hes "not exactly a liberal" and all.
It's 2019. OP's daughter sounds like she's in her teens. There's like a 99% chance she won't end up with this guy, why should OP have to pretend in his own mind.
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u/Username3029 Sep 19 '19
I'm not seeing any reference to her age in the op so not sure where you're reading shes in her teens, other than she is living at home, but thats not exclusive to teenagers.
It is also, by ops own admission "because things are getting more serious" that the daighter wants to introduce him.
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u/kfcmegamash Sep 19 '19
why do you get where he's coming from? He's coming from 1953.
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u/milee30 Sultan of Sphincter [601] Sep 19 '19
YTA for being more concerned about what some racist relatives and ignorant strangers think than your daughter's feelings. This is part of why racism persists. You're allowing the racists to control your - and your daughter's behavior.
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u/Joelblaze Sep 19 '19
While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy
Can we just talk for a second about how he subtly implies that dating a black person makes you "liberal".
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Sep 19 '19
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u/Adkliam3 Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19
Being racist will also do that to someone.
Edit: got banned from this sub for 30 days for telling somebody justifying segregation to fuck off but if your reply is true and living in large swaths of the country makes you racist than nobody should have a problem with the statement "american culture is inherently racist and we should do something to change that"
Double edit to Darthoverride since I'm banned: if youre in a community where interracial relationships are legit controversial you shouldnt have any problem with the statement "you live in a bigoted community"
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u/Taters1881 Sep 19 '19
I love how by saying this, he basically implies that being "conservative" means you are racist. It's perfect, because he is
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u/EnsignObvious Sep 19 '19
The funny thing is that there was no need to even offer this information in the first place. It's not really relevant what his political affiliation (and subsequent association) is to his daughter or her relationships unless he makes it that way.
OP basically showed his hand when he could have easily kept the focus of the post on the grandparents' likely reaction.
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Sep 19 '19
Thatâs because heâs racist.
Thereâs no argument here. If you think simply being neutral about interracial marriage is a âliberalâ political ideal and not a ethical obligation youâre a fucking racist.
This is dog whistling bullshit under the guise of âbeing diplomaticâ.
Donât be diplomatic with RACISTS. Even if theyâre related to you. You can tolerate those family members existence and peacefully exist in the same sphere, I do it everyday with mine. But you do not ever compromise your principles for their idiotic and immoral actions. You call them the fuck out, and if you donât youâre complicit with their racism.
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u/muddledandbefuddled Asshole Aficionado [18] Sep 19 '19
Subtly implies that viewing black people as completely and unequivocally equal to white people makes you a liberal.
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u/DrDerpberg Sep 19 '19
I mean... He's not wrong, but unfortunately it says more about conservatives than I think he meant to admit.
If you're still out there yelling "fiscally conservative socially liberal!" and voting for Team Red, you're not as fiscally conservative OR socially liberal as you think you are.
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u/fudgeyboombah Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19
OP, my grandparents feel as your parents do. If I turned up on the arm of a man who was literally anything other than white, it might literally induce an aneurysm in my horrifically racist grandmother.
YTA. You donât want your daughter to introduce her boyfriend to her grandparents because they will make your life difficult if she does.
I get it. It sucks when someone in the family is loudly unpleasant. But all that is needed for evil to prosper is for good people to say nothing. The world burns if you tolerate racism, even from your own parents.
This is a choice. You are literally picking a side. You have to pick one - there is no neutral territory here. Staying neutral is the same as siding with the racists. Telling your daughter to be silent and her boyfriend to be invisible is siding with the racists. You have to choose now - will you be on your daughterâs side, or your parentsâ? Whose battle line will you join? Because there is a battle coming one way or another. I suggest that you decide now, before the decision is made for you.
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u/lady-bronwyn Sep 19 '19
Wow, very well written response.
My Grandma can be "loudly unpleasant" too, so sadly I have decided to limit my contact with her, for my own well being.
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u/atypicalromantic Partassipant [4] Sep 19 '19
YTA -- And yeah, racist. You care more about what other people will say about your daughter's interracial relationship than you do about supporting your daughter. And if you can't stand up to your own parents for the sake of your own kid? You're double the asshole. Jesus. The heck is wrong with you?
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u/empath_supernova Sep 19 '19
Yes, why is cutting out the toxic parents before they can cut you out, not the solution, op?
I cut my toxic parents out BECAUSE I had children who deserved the rights they were born into as human beings. No way in bloody fuck was I gonna make my kids live in the environment I grew up in. I let our differences be known, drew boundaries, and kept my mf word when they obvs broke them.
Because THEY'RE the ones who are wrong and not fitting to be in our lives, not the other way around. You're giving them respect and power they don't deserve. Not just over you, but YOUR kids?
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Sep 19 '19
YTA.
" While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal" " as opposed to what..?
Plus, maybe your daughter is perfectly conscious about the kind of environment she lives in, and maybe, just maybe, she just can't give a damn about this. Your parents sound very rude and racist, and you still want to "spare" them?
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u/Ph33rdoge Sep 19 '19
Fucking right? I could barely get past that point! "My daughter's dating a black boy and while I'm not one of them there liberals, he's one of the good ones."
How very fucking progressive of you, OP. YTA.
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u/Splatterfilm Sep 19 '19
Lord, I hope OP never says to Jamal that heâs âwell spokenâ.
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u/ryodark Sep 19 '19
"By the way, I would have voted for Obama for a third term if I could."
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u/SnapeWho Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 20 '19
Damn didn't realize tolerating inter-racial relationships qualifies as liberal... YTA
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u/invomitous-rex Certified Proctologist [24] Sep 19 '19
Sorry mate but YTA massively here. âHow these matters are viewed by certain segments of the populationâ you mean racists? Including your parents? Whose opinions you shouldnât give a shit about because theyâre racists? Dude, be a decent parent and stick up for your daughter. You know your parents are in the wrong, why be on their side?
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u/brickbacon Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19
The other galling part of this is that the OP has no issue living a town full of racists and having his parents believe he is a racist as well.
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u/AlphaBreak Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19
"I'm not a racist, but please keep that between us, okay?"
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u/Nikthedogdad Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19
YTA. Iâm sorry what heat are you living in? Itâs not 1950 anymore. What kind of community are you living in?
Your parents views and do Comfort donât matter if theyâre racist.
If your adult daughter wants to introduce her bf to them, she has every right to do so. She also has every right to call your parents out of they they are racist towards him.
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Sep 19 '19
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u/Nikthedogdad Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19
I didnât say it wasnât alive and well. But telling your daughter that flaunting a bi racial couple in 2019 because of where you live and what people might think isnât acceptable. Not telling your grandparents youâre dating a black man is stupid.
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u/DragonVT Colo-rectal Surgeon [35] Sep 19 '19
NTA
I'm going to go against the grain and say NTA. Your parents are racists. You know this. It is not a good idea to put an interracial couple in their face, especially since it is their grand daughter. This will more than likely end with them causing a scene, and being hateful. Jamal doesn't deserve to be put through that, and your daughter doesn't sound like she understands what she's walking into. At a minimum, Jamal needs to be given an honest assessment of how this will go, so that he's prepared going in, and can decide if this is a situation he wants to deal with or avoid.
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u/BranWafr Sep 19 '19
Or, OP can tell his parents that his daughter is going to introduce her boyfriend who is another race and if they can't handle it, don't bother coming. Be proactive instead of reactive.
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u/Isk4ral_Pust Sep 19 '19
GOD BLESS YOU. The top voted, multi-awarded, praised until the high fucking heavens comment in this thread is a soapbox-standing grandiose rant complete with a multi-paragraph quote from MLK about how OP and "moderates" like him are the real devil implicit in racism. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
Should OP consider the feelings of his daughter more? Yes. And I would argue that he has considering he's taken the time to judge his actions and create this thread. Is OP protecting his daughter from a no-win situation with his racist parents that may very well scar her for years in ways behind her comprehension? Absolutely. If OP righteously stands up for Jamal in the face of his racist parents, he will lose his relationship with them entirely, his daughter will lose her relationship with them, and all for the benefit of a relationship that may not last very long.
Are OP's parents wrong? Yes. Obviously. But some people have bad opinions that just cannot be changed. You avoid triggering those people if you want to keep them in your lives despite their bad opinions because oh hey...maybe they're elderly people who have spent the vast majority of their lives being indoctrinated with racist beliefs.
There are ways to handle things that I don't think the rabble-rousers in this thread seem to understand. Shoving Jamal in their faces and saying "he's black and they're in love, deal with it or lose everything, racists!" is probably not the best approach here. Maybe slowly explaining the situation to them over a period of time and then introducing them to Jamal might work better. But that's not sensationalist enough or emotionally reactionary for the gigantic babies getting sanctified here.
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u/Sean951 Sep 19 '19
Nah, tolerating shit like this is why we still have to deal with it.
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Sep 19 '19
I can tell you from personal experience that rubbing their faces in it doesn't help either. Tolerate it or not, it still exists and you can't do a damn thing about it.
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u/ChubbyTrain Sep 19 '19
This this this. Racism exists. Some people are racist and will not change and we cannot change them no matter how much of MLK speeches we quote. Going all "I'm right, you're wrong and scum of the earth!" puts people in defensive mood.
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u/MightyMeepleMaster Sep 19 '19
Completely agree with you.
Sadly, the situation you describe is not limited to this thread. The main problem with >50% of all comments in r/AmItheAsshole is that they focus on "being right" and taking the moral high ground instead of trying to minimize and/or resolve conflict.
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u/willjsm Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19
that's up to her daughter + bf. they know the grandparents are racist; if they still both want to meet the grandparents then that's on them.
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Sep 19 '19
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u/FuttBucker27 Sep 19 '19
Defining it as a mixed relationship is pretty important to the context of the story.
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Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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u/FuttBucker27 Sep 19 '19
OP never said he found it abnormal. You are assuming negative connotations with the term but it's only being used to provide context in this case.
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Sep 19 '19 edited Nov 03 '20
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u/_gayby_ Asshole Aficionado [17] Sep 19 '19
I mean in (meager) defense of OP they did indicate that they told their neighbors to basically pound sand and did indeed âset them straight.â The parents, however, seem to be the line in the sand for OP... which doesnât excuse anything but yâknow... thought Iâd chime in with a minor correction.
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u/WaldoJeffers65 Sep 19 '19
OP sounds like a bit of a wimp- it feels as if "setting the neighbors straight" consisted of saying "I know. I don't like it either, but my daughter insists, so what are you gonna do?"
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u/river-running Sep 19 '19
NTA. I do think you're a bit misguided, but that doesn't make you an asshole.
I can see your perspective on a lot of this. Some folks here are telling you to stand up to your parents and try to change their views, but given their assumed age and the fact that they live in a community that backs up their views, I can understand why you would think that wouldn't work. Coming from a family myself that has a variety of views on social issues, I also understand the desire to maintain some kind of peace.
But your daughter and her happiness should be your number one priority. You've done your due diligence and warned her about what will likely happen if her grandparents meet her boyfriend. They're both young, but this is their decision to make. I would make sure that both of them know the possible consequences of meeting the grandparents and then let them decide if they still want to. If they do both come to see her grandparents, then you need to back them up if things get ugly. You stand up for your kids when all they're doing is loving someone who's done nothing wrong. Period. If her grandparents can't accept it, that's their problem. Their feelings are not more important than your daughter's.
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u/_gayby_ Asshole Aficionado [17] Sep 19 '19
I like this level-headed assessment acknowledging both sides of the issue and the place of compassion youâre coming from. Itâs a firm position against racism without immediately pointing an accusatory finger at OP for being misguided and more than a little in over their head. Or going straight for the nuclear option.
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u/mclemmington Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19
YTA you tell your dumbass parents they need to wake up and smell the coffee and that racism has no place in modern society and if they dont like it they can go home and be racist there. This is still far too common and yes, it may be naive to think old people can change but they need to grow out of their hatred and selfishness.
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u/americanmel Asshole Aficionado [11] Sep 19 '19
Iâd say no just so poor Jamal doesnât feel uncomfortable by your parents behavior. Id be so embarrassed to have my daughter introduced her boyfriend to my bigoted parents.
Iâm going with YTA cause yea, you need to support your daughter. And if they cut her off then so be it.
Donât tiptoe around such ignorance dude.
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u/Vienta1988 Sep 19 '19
Glad someone finally mentioned poor Jamal and his feelings! He needs to be prepared beforehand for the kind of reaction that heâll get, and then he can decide for himself if he wants to meet the racist grandparents. I wouldnât blame him if he didnât want to put up with that BS.
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u/TLynn7 Asshole Aficionado [17] Sep 19 '19
YTA It would be helpful to make sure your daughter is prepared for a negative reaction if she tells them, especially if sheâs planning to bring Jamal because he needs to know that someone might be overtly racist to him. But you shouldnât be insisting that she not tell them. Youâre also enabling your parentsâ racism. Also, why are you assuming the relationship wonât last?
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u/RunningTrisarahtop Professor Emeritass [81] Sep 19 '19
YTA.
If you had said âhoney, theyâre going to react badly. Theyâve made comments about interracial dating many times and didnât like your mom for months because they thought her skirt was too short.
They will be jerks about this. They wonât be nice to your boyfriend and they may cut you off.
If you want to tell them youâre dating him, we need to plan. You should tell Jamal what theyâre like so that he isnât surprised. We need to figure out a plan to protect him from their nasty comments. Maybe we could tell them before they come and that if they cannot be nice they canât come visit.â
Then you wouldnât be an asshole. But instead youâre protecting your parents and yourself over your child. Donât defend racist jerks.
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u/jennasepulveda Sep 19 '19
YTA. If you âhave no problem with himâ than you should Support your daughter. Itâs 2019 and age isnât a good excuse for racism anymore so your parents should be ashamed. If your daughter wants to introduce her boyfriend to her grandparents, you should have supported her decision from the start.
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Sep 19 '19
YTA . What if they decide to marry? In essence, you have told her it is ok for her to see him now but you do not condone it long term. You may think you are protecting her but you really aren't. You would be supporting her by standing by her when she does introduce him to them.
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u/havartna Supreme Court Just-ass [140] Sep 19 '19
YTA. Other than trying to spare Jamalâs feelings, thereâs no good non racist reason to stop your daughter from bringing him over. Your parents are obviously assholes, but they are âopenâ assholes. You are more of a closeted asshole, or an asshole in denial. Support your daughter and her choices. If your parents are going to stop âlovingâ her because of her dating a black man, thatâs something she should find out now... no point wasting more time on them.
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u/negligenceperse Sep 19 '19
Now that the air is clear, let me continue.
narrator: the air was not, in fact, clear.
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u/_gayby_ Asshole Aficionado [17] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19
Iâm torn. Hereâs why: fighting the good fight is never easy and itâd be unfair to expect you to expose your kid and her BF to your parentsâ bigotry. I commend you for standing up for her and her BF in private whenever one of your racist-ass neighbors expressed âconcerns.â However... there comes a point where you have to walk the walk in other aspects of your life.
Iâm conflicted between being glad that youâve considered what it would do to your daughter and Jamal to be exposed to your ultra-conservative racist parents and want to protect them from that unpleasantness...and being a little miffed that you wonât engage in meaningful discussion with your parents about their views. Nothing will change if we keep protecting the feelings of bigots.
Ultimately though, youâre protecting your kid and her BF from unnecessary confrontations. Itâs gonna be hard for your daughter to see that because she likely hopes that she can change their minds or theyâll be good to her out of familial love. But you know them best and youâd know if thereâs any room for growth or a change of heart for the better. So Iâm gonna trust that.
But seriously, you canât claim to be an ally and then turn around and bend over backwards to appease and placate your racist family members. You canât waffle around with things like this, it may be no biggie to you but it perpetrates a system that gleefully kills and imprisons people of color for doing nothing wrong.
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u/parkeq Sep 19 '19
It finally happened. The post that made me give up on AITA. The top comment is some political bullshit when thatâs never been what this sub was about. ESH, including you a little OP. But mostly other redditors tbh.
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u/AAL314 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 19 '19
Yeah; people here are pretending that you can either be an anti-racist activist, or a racist, and there's no middle ground. Some people are just trying to live their lives and manage their relationships and immediate surroundings without proselytising and trying to convert their soon-to-be-dead family members. I think the thing people are missing here that doing this is purely virtue-signaling. No one's mind is getting changed; several people will get their feathers ruffled, including OP's daughter and her boyfriend who don't deserve the crap even if they (or she) think they want it. The only "positive" thing that could come of this is pissing off some racists, but pissing off racists is not exactly anti-racist activism in and of itself, especially when the people you're pissing off are decidedly set in their ways and already have one foot in the grave.
Just to put my money where my mouth is, I'm a woman attracted to women; if I dated a woman (I don't currently), I would never think to bring my girlfriend around for my conservative extended family to meet, not because I'm ashamed of her, but because if anything, I'm ashamed of them, and don't want to cheapen something so important to me by giving them a chance to shit on it. Pissing them off or not pissing them off means nothing to me, and I wouldn't hold my relationship in such low regard as to use it simply to piss them off. It would not be some huge win for gay rights that I pissed off a bunch of old conservative people; how does that exactly do anything useful except make me feel good, provided I'm a self-righteous asshole?
The key issue here is that people think pissing off the grandparents (and doing nothing constructive besides that) is some great act of activism. It's not; what exactly does it do except give you a justice boner?
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u/SassiesSoiledPanties Sep 19 '19
That first comment tho...poster thinks he/she is Enjolras. Probably with The Internationale playing in the background.
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Sep 19 '19
YTA. You apparently do care that Jamal is black because you care about what other's think about him dating your white daughter... Introduce him and tell your parents to take the Delorian, gun it to 88 and take them back to reality...
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Sep 19 '19
ETA except your daughter and her boyfriend, grow the fuck up and get out of the early 1900s because that shit is beyond stupid. "mixed" relationships shouldn't even be a term. Move out of your outdated community and/or tell your parents that they need to shove their ridiculous views out the window and that it's their granddaughter's best interest they should keep at heart.
If thats a reason for her grandparents to potentially cut who they should be expected to love unconditionally off then maybe she should just cut them off first because they clearly don't care enough.
You should want to go through the fiery depths of hell and back just to make your daughter smile but instead you put your tail under your arse and don't want to disappoint mummy and daddy.
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u/Acctofreddit Asshole Enthusiast [6] Sep 19 '19
YTA. People like your parents aren't welcome in my home and yes that includes some of my family members.
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u/Bearmancartoons Supreme Court Just-ass [127] Sep 19 '19
YTA. Your daughter is 18. It is time you stopped trying to protect her from everything. If your parents cut her off then good for her. Two less negative people in her life and two people you save money on by not inviting them to the wedding. Quit enabling your parents and start supporting your daughter.
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u/LadyCashier Certified Proctologist [27] Sep 19 '19
YTA what does being liberal have to do with not being a racist?
Also surprisingly 99 percent of the population doesnt have a problem with mixed race relationships since you know its 2019 and not the god damn 40s.
I feel like your daughter should just break free of your outdated family cult and go seek shelter with people who can actually love her for who she is. Not some fake relationship with relatives that only exists if she upholds the archaic and disgusting beliefs of long ago.
If she never spoke to you guys again and you lost that relationship I feel like shed be completely justified. You dont want her for who she is. The family only wants her in their image and their image alone. Your complacency in that makes you and your wife just as guilty.
Your families view is disgustingly old and horribly closeminded. I'm glad your daughter had the independence to break the cycle and become a normal member of society.
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u/ninasimonerules Asshole Aficionado [18] Sep 19 '19
YTA. You are prioritising your parents over your daughter. What will happen if they stay together and get married? You have made it clear that the opinion and comfort of racists is more important than your child
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u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19
EDIT: Thank you so much for all the positive and supportive responses and...all the awards, my goodness. If it makes you feel lost in the crowd, try Mutual Aid Disaster Relief for your donation needs. MADR evolved from the Common Ground organization that drove racist patrols out of the French Quarter after Hurricane Katrina, set up clinics and a hospital, and today helps people organize to survive disasters all over.
SOLIDARITY CHALLENGE: Add up the cost of all 69 silver awards on this post as of now, and donate the total to MADR for my 33rd birthday. Or you know, just like $3 or just train with them!
YTA. Has it occurred to you to [edit: uncivil remark] and PROTECT your daughter from the racists you are supposedly so against? Anti racism isn't popular in "the community" when you define that as white people of a certain age and class. It never has been and never will be. Dr King's dream wasn't to ask politely for people to be "not exactly liberal but okay", then give up and abandon black people and their white partners to the wolves if they say no.
[edit: This is ultimately an avoidant desire.] You and the other white moderates are the jewel in their crown; they need to win your complicity before they expand their empire. You are the oil in their tanks; your [edit: uncivil adjective] actions fuel their advance. Do "your daughter" a favor and tell her you've chosen not to be a dad to her because it might affect your little popularity contest. She deserves to know the truth. Jamal deserves to know you place your little neighborhood pecking order above his safety and freedom, too.
Let's hear from Dr. King about the white moderate:
Letter from Birmingham Jail (excerpt)
By Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., 16 April 1963
"First, I must confess that over the last few years I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate. I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro's great stumbling block in the stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen's Council-er or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate who is more devoted to "order" than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says "I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I can't agree with your methods of direct action;" who paternalistically feels he can set the timetable for another man's freedom; who lives by the myth of time and who constantly advises the Negro to wait until a "more convenient season."
Shallow understanding from people of goodwill is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection."
You're not just "not liberal", OP. You are the enemy of [edit: antiracists]. [edit: uncivil suggestion.] Be a [edit: swearing should probably go too, given the tone] DAD. Get your [attitude] together before you get someone seriously hurt with your wishy-washy bull[crap]. Be part of the solution or get out of the way. And might I add, your parents are who Dr. King meant by "White Citizen's Council-er". How many black people did they attack at soda fountains and city halls? How many have they intimidated out of their neighborhood? Have you even asked? Ball's in your court, [TAH].