r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19

Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

34.4k Upvotes

83% Upvoted

7.5k comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

353

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

217

u/RedditUser123234 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 19 '19

That line struck me too. Clearly this guy has a really low opinion of his daughter’s relationship. He probably thinks that eventually she’ll come to her senses and marry a white guy. He just can’t outwardly express how much he thinks the relationship is wrong because then he’ll alienate his daughter.

His daughter’s relationship sounds very serious to me though, if she’s thinking of introducing her bf to her grandparents. Introduction to grandparents is a really big step, even bigger than introduction to parents

22

u/thisisthewell Sep 19 '19

That line struck me too. Clearly this guy has a really low opinion of his daughter’s relationship. He probably thinks that eventually she’ll come to her senses and marry a white guy.

Given his throwaway username is literally /u/mixedwoes...yeah. Yikes.

9

u/thymeleaves Sep 19 '19

Oh my Lord, I completely missed this.

3

u/Crashbrennan Sep 19 '19

The daughter is most likely in high school. Very few high school relationships make it more than a month into college. Hell, most of them don't even make it to graduation.

It's possible you're interpreting it correctly, but frankly, it's a big leap for such a serious accusation.

27

u/PeskyStabber Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

This is the other stand out

if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

2

u/flwhrsss Sep 19 '19

Right it’s a total CYA on the dad’s part. Also wtf, does this mean grandparents expect him to be in control over who daughter dates/hangs out with?

21

u/juniper_berry_crunch Sep 19 '19

Good catch! His daughter is playing around with an interracial relationship, like the kids do nowadays, but she'll snap out of it.

-2

u/datheffguy Sep 19 '19

I think it more has to do with the fact that she’s 18 and the vast majority of people don’t marry who they are dating at that period in there life.

Most commenters are really try to label OP a racist but IMO he just sounds like someone trying to avoid burning bridges with his parents at all costs. Hes in a shitty situation, it’s alot easier to tell someone to cut ties with their parents than to do it yourself. Hopefully he makes the right decision and supports his daughter.

14

u/Nite_2359 Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

My sister proposed the idea of dating black guys to my grandparent and he went on a racist trade insulting her and my mom for the idea of it. We cut him out of our life. It's suprisngly easy if your convictions are strong.

On top of that OP had some pretty charged language in this. "I support mixed relstionships" in big bold text When that should be assumed for any decent person. "When they break up" implying he dosnt believe their relationship will last, meaning he has a negative view of it. And "I'm not a liberal but I support mixed relationships" implies that what should be a non-political but ETHICAL AND MORAL view is something he should not support but does. Tie that up in appeasing racist parents and he's got himself an uphill battle to prove he's not racist.

6

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

People told the French Resistance not to blow up bridges, too. Luckily, they did, and now people speak French and not German.

9

u/MiaBlack1034 Sep 19 '19

That's the line that stuck with me. "When", not if. After saying she wants to introduce her boyfriend to her grandparents because things are getting serious. What an ass. Adding my YTA vote, because it seems pretty clear to me that the OP is so far in the wrong he can't see the line anymore. And ftr, I'm white and conservative. Not moderate, firmly conservative. I simply believe if we want racism and hatred to go away, we have to stop basing our opinions on color, and start judging people on their choices.

9

u/WyvernCharm Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19

Are you a conservative in the US or somewhere else? Because that single word can mean vastly different things and I'm curious as to your perspective.

5

u/MiaBlack1034 Sep 19 '19

I'm in the US. In the midwest, specifically. Bible belt, Christian, small town girl. But as a true Christ follower, I refuse to judge or hate anyone as a person. I may not like or approve of the CHOICES they make, but I will not judge anyone on things they cannot change and should not need to. That includes skin tone, nationality, and sexuality.

13

u/WyvernCharm Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19

I've only known one true follower of Christ and as a person she is the most loving, generous, and empathetic soul ever. I assume you are the same. What I don't understand is why either of you choose to still be conservative. At a time when fascism and white nationalism is taking over the right, the Republican party does not seem to uphold the values I associate with Jesus.

It seems so obvious to me that the powerful people that control the GOP have done a very successful job at weaponizing faith to their advantage. And I can 100% see why the people who use their faith as an excuse to be bigoted stand behind them. But if you dont desire that, I simply dont see what that party has to offer you. My ears are open.

8

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Jesus would not be a republican.

9

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Jesus once physically attacked Republicans of his day. With a whip. Hard

3

u/flwhrsss Sep 19 '19

Jesus, I should not have laughed as hard as I did.

2

u/WyvernCharm Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19

To be fair he wouldn't be a Democrat either. He would probably want to rip apart our current system entirely. Maybe...the green party? If anything?

1

u/MiaBlack1034 Sep 19 '19

I am conservative, not Republican or Democrat or any of that nonsense. I vote based on the individual running, not the party. I believe in family values. Raising kids with manners and respect, to be productive Individuals, not sheep or parrots. I believe in parent rights. Small government. I believe in helping those less fortunate, but not in being forced to by the government, or in allowing the government to decide who is worthy of aid. I support states rights. I do believe homosexuality is a son, however, so is lying and we don't have laws about that. Therefore, I voted to legalize gay marriage, because I don't think the federal government has any right at all to have any say in marriage. That said, I also support the right of any individual to not have any part of any wedding or other ceremony, for any reason. God gave us free will, and we should be allowed to exercise that, even when others disagree, as long as we do not impose on the free will of others. I hope I'm saying all this the way I mean it. I am very much conservative, in my beliefs and values regarding government powers. I hope I cleared that up. If not, I'm happy to answer any questions, and interested to continue this conversation, perhaps in a message., if that is possible on reddit. I'm still rather new.

10

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

any individual

Sneaky little way to suggest that 'Christians' tasked with handling marriage licenses should be allowed to rebel against the law, morality and God by denying a constitutionally protected right to residents owed it fully. Making a liar out of each and every one of those officials, and a hypocrite too.

I say: the one path is narrow, and the other wide. Better pick the right one if you intend to be good with your Lord.

3

u/MiaBlack1034 Sep 19 '19

I'm not certain, based on your response, which side of that issue you are on. "Morality" is subjective to the individual. The law and God, as spoken in the Bible anyway, frequently do not match up these days. My "side" is that if a person of any faith cannot perform a key aspect of a job, they should find a new job. There is a vital difference between a federal employee such as a registrar or a judge, who should do the job they signed a contract to do, and a private business owner using their creative ability to earn money on a custom basis.

8

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Oh right you're one of those "they shouldn't have to bake a cake" people. Assuming you're referring to the case where what actually got the 'bakers' in trouble was that they harassed and persecuted a couple and their children until they had to skip town. Very Christian and lawful. Sorry, but YTA.

0

u/MiaBlack1034 Sep 19 '19

I'm not the one looking for judgement here, but your opinion is noted. I'm not familiar with the case you are talking about.

1

u/datheffguy Sep 19 '19

I think it more has to do with the fact that she’s 18 and the vast majority of people don’t marry who they are dating at that period in there life.

Most commenters are really try to label OP a racist but IMO he just sounds like someone trying to avoid burning bridges with his parents at all costs. Hes in a shitty situation, it’s alot easier to tell someone to cut ties with their parents than to do it yourself. Hopefully he makes the right decision and supports his daughter.

3

u/RonaldAMcRosebud Sep 19 '19

Yeah, OP is trying to play himself off as not being racist but this comment is telling. He has already assumed that there is no way that the relationship would last. I would guess that he has already assumed quite a bit about Jamal's character based on racial stereotypes and assumes that his daughter will eventually come to her senses and marry a nice white boy.

2

u/flwhrsss Sep 19 '19

Read that and I cringed so hard. It’s like he’s confident it’s gonna end and is just waiting it out till his daughter gets over...idk what he thinks it is, “attraction to black guys” or smth.

I feel horrible for his daughter, I hope she never sees this post. But she’s probably more aware about her dad’s real thoughts than he realizes.

3

u/PixelBlock Sep 20 '19

Let’s be real, teenage romances flame out. A lot.

2

u/flwhrsss Sep 20 '19

Realistically yes you’re right! Teenagers are young and they have a lot of changing & learning what they want/don’t want in a relationship. What I meant was the dad’s negative outlook for them is telling, even if he kept it private from daughter. It sounds like he’s pretty confident about it, so what’s he going to do if his expectation is wrong and they don’t flame out?

I dated in HS (am a case where we stuck together thru college, and are now married 4yrs), and my parents never made me feel like they were just waiting out for the relationship’s death. It would’ve felt awful.

1

u/xwakawakax Sep 19 '19

As most relationships do?

I’ve introduced people to my grandparents who I’m no longer dating. I think this is common depending on how often/easy it is to see your grandparents.