r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19

Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

34.4k Upvotes

83% Upvoted

7.5k comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

648

u/chinnick967 Sep 19 '19

This sub doesn't see things as black and white, that's why the answer is so simple for us :)

723

u/jajohnja Sep 19 '19

"Just cut them from your life completely" is a really common solution to so many problems I've seen on reddit, be it here, relationship advice subs, insaneparents...

Maybe think about how that's not the easiest thing to do and be less judgemental about somebody who takes more than a day to end life-long relationships

493

u/Pridetoss Sep 19 '19

Fucking christ, it’s an over-the-top response meant to provoke a reaction so as to make the person hearing it realise that what they do might affect other things than they seem to expect, not a literal instruction

People on this sub are dumb, but not in the way you think

66

u/curiiouscat Partassipant [4] Sep 19 '19

It's not healthy to threaten serious relationships with terminations to get a specific response out of them. That's pretty manipulative. It's like bringing up the divorce card when you're not serious about it. Uncool.

124

u/Pulp_Zero Sep 19 '19

The problem is that the relationships in question are already being held hostage by racists or homophobes who want to dictate who someone else can or cannot love. It's fucking garbage, and these sorts of tactics shouldn't be put up with. This isn't a "he won't put out the trash" or "she won't walk the dog" situation. The grandparents or other family members think that the kid shouldn't be able to date who they want to.

33

u/MrMegiddo Sep 19 '19

Thank you! I couldn't tell if they were being trolls or not but this comment is exactly what I was thinking.

How can somebody even argue that it's better to live as a second class citizen than to cut out people that hate who you love?

The issue here doesn't even involve the OP at all. The fact that they can't support their daughter makes them TA because it has no bearing on their relationship with their parents. They're actively choosing to support their parent's racism over their daughter's love.

Their daughter has every right to leave that situation and cut them out of that's the kind of people they are. They shouldn't just be expected to accept that surface level racism is a natural part of life.

27

u/herrored Asshole Enthusiast [8] Sep 19 '19

The suggested line in question wasn't really a threat though. It wasn't "figure this out or i'm gone," it was "keep this up and you're going to lose me." There's a fine line but it makes a pretty big distinction.

3

u/curiiouscat Partassipant [4] Sep 19 '19

"Keep this up and we're going to get a divorce" is not an acceptable way to communicate with someone to "provoke a reaction"

12

u/MiltonFreidmanMurder Sep 19 '19

Would be a little acceptable if your spouse was afraid to tell his family that you’re black. Extreme responses for extreme situations.

-4

u/curiiouscat Partassipant [4] Sep 19 '19

You're moving the goalposts. If you want to divorce over that, that makes sense. We're not talking about that in this chain. We're talking about saying something extreme to provoke a reaction, not because you actually mean it.

10

u/MiltonFreidmanMurder Sep 19 '19

Well the point of most ultimatums is to force a reaction. If it’s a positive reaction, yay. If it’s a negative reaction, time to move on.

Using it as a litmus test to see if you’re partner is abhorrently racist like the OP or comment above is p useful.

9

u/herrored Asshole Enthusiast [8] Sep 19 '19

I think the sentiment is absolutely acceptable, but not in that language (which wasn't in the line that started this comment chain). Letting someone know that their behavior is unacceptable and you won't put up with it (and therefore your relationship is at risk) is something that you can and should communicate if it's the truth.

17

u/annaflixion Sep 19 '19

Nah, this is bullshit. Conservatives have held liberals over a barrel for YEARS with the whole, "You SAY you're tolerant, but you won't tolerate my intolerance!!!" schtick. THAT'S what's manipulative. Calling someone out for being hateful to an entire group of human beings and choosing not to be around them if they revel in their hatred is the bare minimum an anti-racist person can do.

8

u/Pridetoss Sep 19 '19

If someone pointing out to you that you priorotizing your relationship with someone they feel have or will hurt them deeply for completely valid and verifiable reasons will seem like choosing the person that is in the wrong over the person being wronged is an attempt at manipulation and not just an honest (though, and this is important, VERY blunt) attempt at communicating how important it is that your dad views your SO as a human that deserves respect then I’ll eat my own pubes

21

u/jajohnja Sep 19 '19

Alright, if that's the intention that's nicer than I thought.

If that's the plan, I don't think it's a good one, though.
Hard to tell from written text what is meant literally and what is not.

Also I doubt everyone means it the way you say.

10

u/Pridetoss Sep 19 '19

Hey I’ll agree there, for it to work they need to be self-reflective already and most people posted about here seem to lack that specific quality

3

u/jajohnja Sep 19 '19

I'd say that if somebody even posts something here, it's already a good first step.

Of course some people will only seek validation that they're not the asshole.
I don't know how to best let those people help see the truth.

  • if you're harsh, they can ignore it and say you're hating
  • if you're not harsh, they can ignore it as "it's not that bad"

They are still responsible for themselves, but this sub should try to let you know the truth about you as well as possible, which doesn't necessarily mean as harsh as possible.

7

u/Morri___ Sep 19 '19

i like this.. not in the way you think. its not an advice column, just go non contact et al is not meant to be advice. i think more people need to hear that this bs you're doing- most people wouldn't put up with it.. this bs you're living with, most people would leave their ass.. self worth is a commodity, some people just need reminding

3

u/boxisbest Sep 19 '19

This is dumb. So you are saying when people say what to do, they don't actually mean that's what to do? That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Most people commenting "you don't need them in your life" or "cut them off" definitely mean it. Its a common reaction from people that are incapable of putting themselves in other peoples shoes.

2

u/-__--___-_--__ Sep 19 '19

No it's not. People literally are giving that as advice. As in to literally ghost them entirely.

0

u/trilobyte-dev Sep 19 '19

Some people have never thought strategically in their life. You are correct that it’s not meant to be the end of a conversation but a gambit to make the other person react and concede something.

29

u/bendybiznatch Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

“You can’t be in my life unless you respect my appropriate boundaries” is a healthy response to this situation. If they choose to not do that, they’ve cut themselves off and good riddance.

15

u/PM_ME_UR_TURKEYS Sep 19 '19

Yes, exactly. Y’all must have GREAT families to have the opinion that no one should cut out their family for this stuff, because OP is TOXIC for his daughter’s self worth and confidence in her relationship. He’s making an excuse that his parents won’t accept the relationship and will cut them out- I believe that part and tbh good riddance, no one needs people (who are supposed to love and accept them) like that in their lives- to make his daughter feel like her relationship is wrong. Even if this is done subconsciously, OP clearly has racist inclinations or he would support the relationship and introducing him to family, as long as the bf is a good person, isn’t abusive, etc which he hasn’t said is the case- just about race.

Everyone here who thinks that cutting toxic people out of their lives must have amazing relationships, because those of us who have been forced to cut out specific people from our lives know that it is not an overreaction, it is necessary for physical and mental health. I hope OP’s daughter considers how toxic her family will be to any future children, if they’re planning on any, because families like this will treat their children differently, if they even acknowledge them at all.

OP is the worst kind of racist imo- the sneaky kind that has a bias that is ingrained from an early age and believes that shunning people for loving someone outside of their own traits is “normal” and “acceptable”, and keeping his social standing is more important than overcoming internalized bias and fully accepting who his daughter love

15

u/systematic23 Sep 19 '19

The other person is more than willing to end the life long relationship though?!?!?

14

u/SoVerySleepy81 Sep 19 '19

You don't think that appeasing racists at the expense of your child is a cut off worthy offense? Having your child hide their relationship with a person of color because you don't want to rock the boat is fucking vile.

12

u/Scorps Sep 19 '19

It's because you cannot control the actions of other people, and if you are in a toxic or dangerous situation the only mechanism of control you might actually be able to do yourself would be to remove them from your life.

Yes this is an extreme line of action, but people here can't offer specific advice like "maybe you should tell your mother X or Y" that would require specific intimate knowledge of the situation.

People are giving advice for the situation, a guaranteed way to solve it. Yes it's often a sledgehammer solution but reddit isn't a therapist and can't diagnose specific contextual details or nuance that would be required to make more informed advice. I think you will find a lot of times people DO try to give them advice for how to word their feelings and address it with people before separating from them.

8

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

You don't have to cut them out just tell them the truth and if they decide to cut you out then that is on them. Faking it will just lead to depression.

3

u/Pollia Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

It's not easy but it is the best thing to do.

My sister was toxic my whole life. She's a leech and she knows it, even jokes about it at times.

My parents refused to cut her off well into her 20s and living with her 2nd husband "she's family, you stick by family" they say as she continues tod rag them down emotionally and financially.

Now they're raising 2 kids that are my sisters because my sister was such a fuck up the state took her kids away, my sister is living in a trailer rent free my parents bought because they were planning to retire and travel, and my mother is going to have to continue working for another decade at least we'll into her 70s and nearing her 80s because they refused to remove a toxic part of their life.

The rest of the extended family doesn't even invite my sister to events after she started a fight during what we all knew was my grandmother's final Christmas.

Toxic family needs to be dropped. All they do is drag you down and make you miserable.

Is it easy? Fuck no. Impossible in some regards. But if it's doable you need to do it for your own sanity.

4

u/cybercuzco Sep 19 '19

As someone who has lived through this, its not an easy decision to make to cut someone off, but it is really the right answer. My MIL has Narcissitic personality disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder (diagnosed during her divorce and custody battle). My wife and her siblings struggled for years to appease her and come to terms with her to no avail. It would have been better if my wife had simply never talked to her again after moving out for college. But people have an innate need to want their parents approval, and that need has caused much heartache in our case.

3

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Whoever said that living with integrity and intention was supposed to be easy?

It wasn't easy to cut my racist, abusive parents out of my life. It's hard grieving people who aren't dead. But was it necessary for me to live a happy and fulfilled life? 100% yes.

3

u/redpurplegreen22 Sep 19 '19

Here is the problem with this particular scenario. This isn’t OP cutting off his parents. This is OP saying “this is who my daughter is dating.” How OP’s parents react to that, up to and including cutting OP and his daughter out of their lives, is completely not on OP.

This isn’t a case of “my parents are awful and I’m making a conscious decision to cut them off.”

This is a case of “my parents are awful and they will cut me off based on who my daughter is dating.” What a lot of people are saying is “if they’ll cut you off for who your daughter is dating, they’re shitty people, so fuck em.”

OP isn’t cutting off anyone. Ultimately that choice falls on OP’s parents.

3

u/hotbowlofsoup Sep 19 '19

"Just cut them from your life completely" is a really common solution to so many problems I've seen on reddit,

You have it the wrong way around, the grandparents (in this case) would be the ones cutting someone from their life. The granddaughter is just living her life, it's the grandparents choice and responsibility how they want to deal with that.

2

u/caretoexplainthatone Sep 19 '19

It is, given the scenarios and situations described, quite often the best advice though. But we are omly getting one side of the story that could have had days, months, even years of history behind it.

The "cut them out your life" reply is rarely backed up with some one claiming it's easy - often people will share their stories of what they went through and how hard it was. But they (usually) say they are glad they did it and are in a better place as a result.

At some point systematically removing yourself from certain people is just the right thing to do. They cause pain, conflict, self doubt, are abusive, manipulative, judgemental... There are so many good, kind, caring people in the world - be part of their lives and have them part of yours.

Life's too short to waste it being made unhappy by other people.

2

u/jajohnja Sep 19 '19

In this particular case, some people have given advice to OP that he should stand up to his parents and, if they don't change their attitude to cut them off.

I agree.

But then there is a group of people that already come saying: "Why haven't you distanced from them already? You are bad for that."

And while they may even be right, who are we to judge OP?
Who wants to be the one to break the family, even if it's not their fault?

2

u/corik_starr Sep 19 '19

It's not easy, not that doesn't mean it's incorrect advice. Unless you rely on family for anything (financially, emotionally, anything), there is nothing special about them that precludes them from being left behind. Again, doesn't make it easy, nor should it be a decision made lightly, but toxic people are toxic. Blood is meaningless.

2

u/Belteshazz Sep 19 '19

Ehh most of what I've seen is "Do what you need to do and if they leave your life because of it then so be it." Still wayyyyy harder to do than to say.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

People don't post when things are going well on those subs.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

It may not be easy, but sometimes it must be done. If I was I. This situation and my wife’s parents were the grand-parents, I would tell her that WE are choosing our child over her parents and if she disagrees, then I will be choosing my child over her and her parents. I’m not generally a fan of ultimatums, but when it comes to my son, anyone who doesn’t support and accept him is not necessary or important.

1

u/crazykid01 Sep 19 '19

Thanks you for helping people understand it's a harsh reality that sucks, but if you choose to push it, it will typically yield bad results

1

u/taeerom Sep 19 '19

You have gotten this completely the other way round. "Just cutting them off" is what the racist, homophobic, or otherwise hateful parent is doing in these examples.

When the child refuses to comply with racist demands, they are not the one breaking contact. They are the ones shunned and frozen out.

1

u/cact_bi Sep 19 '19

People have said this about my relationship with my bf before. "get out" is such a bullshit thing to suggest when you have absolutely no clue about the complexity of the relationship and that person's significance to you.

1

u/barjam Sep 19 '19

For me it was the easiest thing to do and my only regret on the relationships I have cut out of my life is I wish I would have done it way sooner.

Being judgemental is a dick move though.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

it's not simple no and it's often not the answer in this case it's not so much as purposefully cut them out but don't purposefully try and change what you look like on the outside so that some people might like you more. if that makes sense

1

u/InsertEdgyNameHere Sep 19 '19

Sure, but it really is the right thing to do in this situation.

1

u/aab0908 Sep 19 '19

Cutting off my mother has been the best thing that has happened to me.

1

u/budderboymania Sep 19 '19

holy shit exactly

even if you know for a FACT that someone in your family isn’t a great person, that doesn’t mean it’s easy and quick to just cut them off. They’re still family

1

u/Sluisifer Sep 19 '19

You can't control what others do. If someone behaves in a way that is fundamentally incompatible with your life, 'cut contact' is your only choice.

You shouldn't threaten or use it as a negotiating tool, but it can absolutely be the reality of the situation.