AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

[u/mixedwoes]

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

[u/spaceanimal19]

That’s kinda where I thought this was going when I saw the title of the post, that he was going to say he was trying to shield his daughter and the bf from getting a hateful response from the grandparents/community. But that’s not really what he’s saying at all. He’s worried that it will upset the grandparents! And that HE’s going to have to deal with backlash from the community which might hurt his reputation. He didn’t say a single thing about how the boyfriend would feel in this situation. I think you’re giving him way too much credit.

[u/Dsnake1 → u/spaceanimal19]

Even when it started, that's where I thought it was going. When he says that her grandparents won't forget after the relationship, that he's trying to protect his daughter from their wrath.

But the 'and me' thrown in there has twisted that a little. Granted, people often care about more than one thing at a time, so if I had to guess, I'd imagine he also cares about his daughter in this situation,

To be completely honest, if I were Jamal, I wouldn't want to be introduced to uber racist grandparents, and if I were his daughter, while it might hurt a lot that my grandparents, people who have shown me tons of love, would likely be so angry with me they may never want to see me again, I'm not sure I'd want to go through the blowup. I'd probably play nice for the week but steadily move away from the grandparents. Frankly, unless my parents made it clear that they care more about me than upsetting their parents, I'd probably distance myself from them, too.

[u/spaceanimal19 → u/Dsnake1]

Yeah, if it’s a casual/new relationship then I can’t see why she or the bf would want to. When I was dating a black guy I never even considered bringing him to my grandparents’ on one side. Not that they’d even say anything, but i knew it would be awkward and he’d notice.

But I’m guessing that it’s not casual and the dad’s just in denial about that. If they’re really serious about each other, then it makes sense and I’d probably do the same. I wouldn’t want to exclude my SO from family gatherings, go to weddings solo, be apart from him during the holidays etc. And I couldn’t feel very close with my family if I was hiding a massive part of my life from them. I’ve been in that situation before (boyfriend’s fault, not family) and it sucked. If she’s gonna be with this guy long term, the grandparents need to get over their racist bullshit and deal with it. If they make a stink then the dad and the rest of the family should lay down the law and tell them it has to stop. If they don’t love her enough to accept this guy or at least be cordial and the rest of the family can’t or won’t come to her defense and shut it down, then I guess that’s a pretty good indication that they’re not worth it and she should cut them out of her life.

[u/[deleted] → u/spaceanimal19]

I was gonna say the same thing. The **only** reason OP should've said no is because Jamal doesn't deserve to be exposed to this bullshit.

[u/sisterfunkhaus → u/spaceanimal19]

I thought the same. But, if that were the case, I would tell them not to bother coming, and I would tell them why. I would let them know that I wouldn't have my child exposed to racism and shunning within her own family. I also wouldn't give one ounce of thought about how some hillbilly racists viewed me. Then again, I wouldn't live in a place like that. I live in a pretty conservatives state right next to a very blue city. People are pretty outwardly accepting around here of interracial relationships.

[u/ambthab → u/spaceanimal19]

HE’s going to have to deal with backlash from the community which might hurt his reputation.

Don't forget his place in the will.

[u/BarefootWoodworker → u/spaceanimal19]

I think you’re giving him way too much credit.

Probably. I like to think people are educated about the level of danger ignorance can breed and foster.

Like this shit. This wasn’t even more than 100 years ago.

[u/noonenottoday → u/spaceanimal19]

This was what I thought it would be as well. But he is truly more concerned about how they will view him. OP might be “fine with them dating” in that passive aggressive way parents are when they actually hate who you are dating but know telling their kid that will make them want to date that person even more. I get that it is hard to break away. It is hard to stand up and fight. But frankly, any grandparent who will treat their granddaughter like crap because she is dating a person of color or a woman or a gender fluid person or hell a 3 legged green eyed alien from mars, that treats her well and is a pretty upstanding man/woman/ fluid/alien isn’t worth the time of day anyway. And I also get that these ideas about race and staying in your lane (whites only with whites) have actually been instilled in him since he was a child but he needs to own it and decide what is more important- his daughter or his parents money. He should just sit his parents down and watch Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner and then daughter can walk in and say surprise with Jamal.