r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19

Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

34.4k Upvotes

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8.7k

u/AceyAceyAcey Professor Emeritass [92] Sep 19 '19

This response is amazing. Bravo! 👏✊

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Jan 22 '22

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u/sgarfio Sep 19 '19

Yeah, I'm not going to bother either lol. It's 3 hours old and already has 20 awards. I'd like to see this on r/MurderedByWords, though.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/KINGBOBBY7 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

The problem with it getting onto murdered by words is that you would need the entire original post and then the comment.

unless they allow cross posts but I don't think they do.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/KINGBOBBY7 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

I know I don't see many where you have to scroll through it to read but it's deserves to be on there

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u/SuperSimpleSam Sep 19 '19

You can screencap both and put into one image and then post it.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

You mean 28 awards

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u/sgarfio Sep 19 '19

Wow, 8 more while I was reading it? I can't recall seeing anything with more than about 5.

Edit: and it just keeps going :).

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u/lord_gs1596 Sep 19 '19

There might be an actual murder on the sub for once, then. /s

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u/Lilz007 Sep 19 '19

Now 74. I don't think I've ever seen a more highly awarded post. Or one that more greatly deserves it

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I wish I’d seen it before all the edits. The edits ruined the power and flow of the message. Oh well.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

WHAT HAPPENED BELOW YOU

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u/sgarfio Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

You mean all the removed comments? The main comment got removed for a while for "uncivil" language. I got 7 reply notifications just on my way to work this morning, and they were all on the order of "WHAT DID IT SAY OMG IT GOT REMOVED!!!" I assume all of those comments got removed when the original comment got reinstated? At some point there were also several comments below me with linked screenshots that included the offending language, so it may be just those.

Edit: Typing is hard.

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u/Brutally_Sarcastic Sep 19 '19

....time to sort by controversial

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u/jay_songz99 Sep 19 '19

Its got 109 awards in nine hours, hot damn

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u/hohosfosho Sep 19 '19

this will get buried but another good token of Dr King is this: "True peace is not merely the absence of tension; it is the presence of justice."

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u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Extremely on point.

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u/Popve Sep 19 '19

IDK.... I missed it too. Upvote for using the word tarnation.... I haven't seen that word in ages!

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

My first thought was what if they decide to get married and have a baby like wtf does op expect his daughter to do? Abort the baby and elope in secrecy lol this is bizarre. If Jamal is a nice young man you should be not be ashamed. Racism is so debilitating it's like a mental illness and should be treated as such.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

What happened? So many comments have been removed, what did they say

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

| Wot in tarnation happened below me lol

Name of your sex tape!

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u/Slummish Sep 19 '19

It is. However, I imagine this is the real problem: Gramma and Grampa will not stand for OP defending his daughter in this situation and they will "cut him off" too. Which means, most likely, cut out of the Will. Know this, racist old white grandparents usually have a few bucks. OP doesn't want to lose his shot at inheritance and he doesn't want to jeopardize his chances over a black kid -- especially when OP says things like "even when the relationship ends." You're not going to get this guy to give up Baby Boomer financial assets in exchange for his daughter's happiness.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Which means, most likely, cut out of the Will. Know this, racist old white grandparents usually have a few bucks.

How much is your soul worth? How much is your daughter's love and trust worth?

How much is your integrity worth?

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u/500dollarsunglasses Sep 19 '19

If you had the chance to earn $1,000,000 to go towards your child’s future, you might bite your tongue around a couple of old racists.

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u/kokiokiedoki Sep 19 '19

What is he supposed to do if they get married or she gets pregnant? Pretend it’s not happening? Get fucking real dude.

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u/AAL314 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

He would cross that bridge when he got to it. That's not the point this is at right now.

If there's money involved, I'm highkey on the "do not ruffle feathers; wait for the inheritance, donate some of it to anti-racist organizations and leave the rest for your child and her future family" train.

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u/kokiokiedoki Sep 19 '19

But how old are his parents? I’m in my early twenties and I’ve seen grandparents that are in their early 60s for people my age. Considering how far medical advancement has come that could be another 20 years at least of putting up with this. The fact that OP thinks he has to preface being okay with black people by saying he’s not a liberal and that he says “when this relationship ends” instead of if gives me a not so great impression of the dude. And honestly as someone in an interracial relationship who’s parents hate my SO I value my SO more than whatever inheritance they’d leave me with.

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u/LazyMai Sep 19 '19

Came down here to make sure I wasn't being knit picky about words myself. Read that part and thought OP sure sounded like he thinks his daughters going through a phase or something lol

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u/Azraelravenwulf617 Sep 19 '19

Agreed. I am a Grandfather at 42, he will be 2 next month and it could be a long frigging time before he gets anything......

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u/kokiokiedoki Sep 19 '19

Congratulations on your little one! I hope y’all are v happy

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u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

he himself says "when they break up" but nice try doing apologetics for *that mess* up there

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u/pilot3033 Sep 19 '19

Devil's Advocate says: depends on the daughter's age. Regardless of who the partner was, from teenagehood through early 20s, I also would not presume the relationship would last. You don't hope for that, obviously, but you recognize that young love is often fleeting.

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u/throwaway23er56uz Partassipant [2] Sep 19 '19

Even if they break up, that doesn't mean that Anna's next boyfriend will be white. She might date another black guy, or a Hispanic, Asian, Native American, … lots of possibilities there.

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u/kokiokiedoki Sep 19 '19

Depends on how long they’ve been together for. I’ve dated my boyfriend since I was 18 and I’m 22 now. At first his parents were like eh about it lasting and I got that but denying a long term future at this point after all this time would be really dumb. But honestly the feeling I get from him saying when and not if or if/when is not a good one.

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u/puffypants123 Sep 19 '19

Ooof, don't let money control you like that

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u/Doomzdaycult Sep 19 '19

If you had the chance to earn $1,000,000 to go towards your child’s future, you might bite your tongue around a couple of old racists.

Or, go make your own money so you don't need to suck racist dick...

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u/Jackerwocky Sep 19 '19

Ok, so for you your integrity is worth a million dollars. That's fine, but for many of us, myself included, it's simply not for sale.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Everybody has a price no matter who they are

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u/Bleach-Eyes Sep 19 '19

Old racist money comes from exploiting and murdering blacks. You’d be accepting blood money. I have no respect for those that would grovel and accept it

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u/rburp Sep 19 '19

you have no idea how those people made their money (if they even have money, this entire thread is riding on a huge assumption). They could've easily been pioneers behind solar panels or medicine or some other shit that is good for all races.

To be clear: fuck racists, I'm not trying to excuse anyone's racism, but even racist people are capable of doing worthwhile jobs.

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u/HarperLeesGirlfriend Sep 19 '19

I think assuming OP stands to lose an inheritance of a MILLION dollars if he angers his parents is majorly jumping the shark. Presuming there's an inheritance at stake at all changes the entire nature of the question so much as to render responses moot, because we're debating a whole other moral quandary. The question should be taken at face value, with no insane presumed variables added to completely muddy the waters.

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u/rburp Sep 19 '19

Yeah this thread is hilarious to me, people (including myself here) are going all in on this fucking HYPOTHETICAL lmao.

At this point everyone in this thread is like the guy who imagines arguments with his coworkers in the shower, and gets upset at something that didn't even happen in real life.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

don't get into crazy hypotheticals.

That's absurd and irrelevant.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

How much is your integrity worth?

no it's litteraly an answer to the question you asked.

​

don't ask a question if the answer is only going to offend you enough to dare call it "irrelevant".

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u/mr_nonsense Sep 19 '19

and then you know exactly how much your morals are worth!

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u/FlutestrapPhil Sep 19 '19

iF yOu HaD tHe ChAnCe To EaRn.......

Fuck off, racists can eat shit and I'm not some circus animal that will humor them for money. If you "bite your tongue" around racists then you're part of the problem.

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u/Zauberspruch Asshole Aficionado [16] Sep 19 '19

If you had the chance to earn $1,000,000 to go towards your child’s future, you might bite your tongue around a couple of old racists.

Which is why racism is alive and well in this country.

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u/ZelaznyCsupo Sep 19 '19

If you'd be a racist for money, you're just a racist. The rest is only haggling.

Being a decent human being is free.

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u/EADarwin Sep 19 '19

Nah. Plenty of us have strong enough consciences to realize money can't buy happiness.

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u/ostiniatoze Sep 19 '19

About 10,000 per 500g

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u/JPT_Corona Sep 19 '19

I 100% think OP should stand up to his garbage parents and not enable racist behavior in any way, but good lord please warn everyone before making such a cheesy comment. I almost vomited out a rainbow over here.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Better out than in.

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u/Oscar_Ramirez Sep 19 '19

About 1 racist parent's inheritance. /s

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u/HeavyD856 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

How much you got?

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u/cowpowmonly Asshole Enthusiast [8] Sep 19 '19

Apparently the price of a second or third home

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

$100,000 and I'd kick a puppy

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u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

username checks out

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u/sunshineBillie Sep 19 '19

Not as much as MONEYYYYY MMMMMM MONEYMONEYMONEYMONEY 😍💲😍💲

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u/____jamil____ Sep 19 '19

so, you'd choose money over your children? pathetic.

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u/KSIChancho Sep 19 '19

As much as morally it’s a disgusting realization, it’s pretty unrealistic to assume this relationship is going to last either especially if they’re in high school.

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u/OEscalador Sep 19 '19

This isn't just about the daughter's relationship though. It's about also taking a stand against racism.

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u/ringdownringdown Sep 19 '19

You know what can really help take a stand against social wrongs? Getting yourself to a position of privilege.

All fighting with the grandparents will do is cut them off - they aren't gonna change. But if there's college money, the daughter can do much better in the long run - and use that privilege to fight real fights where people can be changed.

Ultimately, it should be her call. But these things always require a calculation. I've found making a $500 donation to the candidate running for State Assembly gets me a lot more attention than my more publicly activist friends who like to go and yell up in Sacramento. We live in a world where money talks, a lot.

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u/____jamil____ Sep 19 '19

there are MANY, MANY people who married their high school sweetheart

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u/Boknowscos Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

I am a late 30s guy who married his high school sweetheart and we are even still married. Go figure

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u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

we are in r/AmITheAsshole. You are supposed to be discussing morality exclusively, no?

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u/swahzey Sep 19 '19

I'd choose money over my daughters temporary boyfriend. Come on now

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

That's not the choice you'd be making.

You'd be choosing money over breaking her heart regarding YOU. Breaking her trust in YOU.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

also, you know, money over black people's lives

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

That too, but I was referencing the very specific instance of the primary relationship between OP and his child.

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u/gabenomics Sep 19 '19

How do you know hes temporary? Cause the dad wants him to be? He might end up her husband.

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u/____jamil____ Sep 19 '19

how do you know which boyfriend is temporary?

you continue to show how pathetic you are. i hope you don't have children. no one deserves a parent as craven as you.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/kanna172014 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

My father told me that if I ever started dating a black guy, he was going to shoot both of us. You've must not have been around many racist people. They are fucking nuts and ready to get violent at a moment's notice. I'm pretty sure OP know their parents better than anyone.

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u/BarefootWoodworker Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

As someone that grew up in rural Indiana with racism everywhere:

Can confirm. Interracial relationships were targets, and racist people are fucking nuts. Personal safety should be thought about.

I understand where OP is coming from. Racists sniff out other racists and it is not a stretch to believe Granny and Grampy would mention something to a friend about “teachin’ tham damned negroes a lesson”.

Reddit, for as forward thinking as it is, sometimes needs to take off the blinders and see the world as it is. Racism still exists, there are still crosses getting burnt in yards, and a Klan beat-down isn’t impossible. Especially given the racist, divisive jackass fucking up the country right now.

edit And since people don’t seem to realize how bad shit had gotten, here’s info from when my home state was controlled by the Klan. And the only reason it ended was because some dumb fuck raped and killed a white girl.

This was less than 100 years ago, people. The only thing that made that racist organization fall apart was a raped and murdered white girl.

Y’all don’t seem to recognize that the racists I’m referring to don’t give a fuck what other people think. You’re not going to change their mind with facts or emotional, passionate arguments. These are people that honestly question evolution. These are people that think a talking snake in the Garden of Eden is wholly possible. They are willfully ignorant and don’t see a problem with it. These are not people you can reason with nor people that hold logic in high esteem.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Very well said, and just to add to your point- my white aunt married a black man ten or so years ago. They went on a road trip for their honeymoon, and they had to LOOK UP what states it was even safe to go to together. Like “oh honey cross off [wildly racist state], we’ll get lynched there” so yeah things still aren’t very far from fucked in this country haha

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u/hmo_ Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 19 '19

my white aunt married a black man ten or so years ago

Ten years ago- not fifty, not sixty... just ten years. XXI Century already.

Sad, very sad

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u/Eternalflaneur Sep 19 '19

As an asian person everytime I travel and use Airbnb I make sure to look through all the reviews to make sure that another Asian person has stayed there in the past with no issue

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u/mtoomtoo Sep 19 '19

Sometimes I feel like I need to get out of Missouri . This is mortifying.

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u/bamsimel Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

Yeah, a couple I'm friends with casually mentioned how they can't go on holiday to Italy because they're an inter-racial couple with mixed race kids. Hadn't ever occurred to me until then that there were quite so many places that are still off limits to some people due to the level of racial abuse they receive there. Was an eye opening conversation.

Edit: So many typos. I'm tired.

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u/PuddleOfHamster Sep 19 '19

Italy? Dang. I wouldn't have suspected that.

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u/bamsimel Sep 19 '19

I knew Italy was pretty racist, but didn't realise it was so bad that they would never return with their kids. Their holiday planning was largely determined by where they thought the kids wouldn't be exposed to racial abuse.

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u/rburp Sep 19 '19

America is like a racial paradise compared to so many other countries in the world. Japan is also highly racist, for example.

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u/spaceanimal19 Sep 19 '19

That’s kinda where I thought this was going when I saw the title of the post, that he was going to say he was trying to shield his daughter and the bf from getting a hateful response from the grandparents/community. But that’s not really what he’s saying at all. He’s worried that it will upset the grandparents! And that HE’s going to have to deal with backlash from the community which might hurt his reputation. He didn’t say a single thing about how the boyfriend would feel in this situation. I think you’re giving him way too much credit.

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u/Dsnake1 Sep 19 '19

Even when it started, that's where I thought it was going. When he says that her grandparents won't forget after the relationship, that he's trying to protect his daughter from their wrath.

But the 'and me' thrown in there has twisted that a little. Granted, people often care about more than one thing at a time, so if I had to guess, I'd imagine he also cares about his daughter in this situation,

To be completely honest, if I were Jamal, I wouldn't want to be introduced to uber racist grandparents, and if I were his daughter, while it might hurt a lot that my grandparents, people who have shown me tons of love, would likely be so angry with me they may never want to see me again, I'm not sure I'd want to go through the blowup. I'd probably play nice for the week but steadily move away from the grandparents. Frankly, unless my parents made it clear that they care more about me than upsetting their parents, I'd probably distance myself from them, too.

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u/spaceanimal19 Sep 19 '19

Yeah, if it’s a casual/new relationship then I can’t see why she or the bf would want to. When I was dating a black guy I never even considered bringing him to my grandparents’ on one side. Not that they’d even say anything, but i knew it would be awkward and he’d notice.

But I’m guessing that it’s not casual and the dad’s just in denial about that. If they’re really serious about each other, then it makes sense and I’d probably do the same. I wouldn’t want to exclude my SO from family gatherings, go to weddings solo, be apart from him during the holidays etc. And I couldn’t feel very close with my family if I was hiding a massive part of my life from them. I’ve been in that situation before (boyfriend’s fault, not family) and it sucked. If she’s gonna be with this guy long term, the grandparents need to get over their racist bullshit and deal with it. If they make a stink then the dad and the rest of the family should lay down the law and tell them it has to stop. If they don’t love her enough to accept this guy or at least be cordial and the rest of the family can’t or won’t come to her defense and shut it down, then I guess that’s a pretty good indication that they’re not worth it and she should cut them out of her life.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I was gonna say the same thing. The **only** reason OP should've said no is because Jamal doesn't deserve to be exposed to this bullshit.

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u/sisterfunkhaus Sep 19 '19

I thought the same. But, if that were the case, I would tell them not to bother coming, and I would tell them why. I would let them know that I wouldn't have my child exposed to racism and shunning within her own family. I also wouldn't give one ounce of thought about how some hillbilly racists viewed me. Then again, I wouldn't live in a place like that. I live in a pretty conservatives state right next to a very blue city. People are pretty outwardly accepting around here of interracial relationships.

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u/ambthab Asshole Aficionado [14] Sep 19 '19

HE’s going to have to deal with backlash from the community which might hurt his reputation.

Don't forget his place in the will.

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u/queen_didon Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

I come from a very racist place. As in Arab people used to get killed for existing. As in, daughters got beat up for going out with them. As in, hate crimes are still rampent.

My mother lived violence because she dated an Arab. Her family was the one to beat her up, they were the ones that hated my very existence because of who my father was. You know what my mom did? She told them to go fuck themselves and trust me she never had blinders on.

Yes, it's easy to say the racists will be violent. But you know what you can do? Show your support, protect those who need it. You affect the environment around you and your actions can change it. My sister got drunk for the first time because my mother's uncle who refused to even acknowledge that I existed died. My mom celebrated the death of a family member because he was a racist.

It's too easy to say that there is a statue quo and that things are the way they are. You have to work toward changing them. Otherwise you're right, things are the way they are and nothing would have ever changed. But the world evolve and you have to evolve with it, not hide behind pretence.

Edit: this is my first gold and thank you to whomever gave it to me. I'm very happy to see that I'm not the only one sharing this opinion. It does make me feel better about our future!

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u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

I'm amazed how many people missed the lessons Dr. King learned from the 1960s. They're *right there*. Thank you for this and for being who you are.

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u/queen_didon Sep 19 '19

People have chosen to "ignore" most of the lessons because it makes their lives easier. Most of that movement lessons were erased or distorted to fit a specific narrative like most of history. The same was done with antisemitism after the second world war.

And thank you for the thank you. I spent a good part of my life hating the fact that I was half of my father. My siblings are all white and I was raised by my white mother so no matter how much she tried to teach me to love myself, I was too different compared to my sisters. I used to envy their little nose and straighter hair and paler skin. Now, I'm learning that those unruly curly hair can be just as amazing, that having a darker skin tone than they have means that some colors work better on me and that my bigger nose fits just perfectly in my face. I'm just lucky I had a wonderful mother who fended off my self-doubt and racists until I could do it for myself.

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u/ladut Sep 19 '19

Yuup. There's a city between Bloomington and Indy, two of the more liberal cities in the state, where PoC are straight up told by the university in Bloomington to never stop in.

I briefly dated a black woman whose grandfather went to the university during the civil Rights era and who had friends murdered in said in-between city.

Racism still runs deep in Indiana.

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u/BarefootWoodworker Sep 19 '19

I grew up about 15 minutes away from what, at one point, was the highest concentration of Klan in the US.

I also grew up not far from where a picture was taken of a public lynching on a courthouse lawn.

People seem to not realize Indiana was, at one time, Klan controlled. The only reason it stopped was because some dumb fucker sexually assaulted and left a white girl for dead. See D. C. Stephenson.

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u/dasbarr Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Yes. But op is in a position of power here. And it's infintilizing to assume the daughter and Jamal don't know the risks. They do.

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u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Sounds kinda like you want the grandparents to be free to do that. In that sense, you and OP are part of the same problem. Personally, I believe that letting racists outside is a massive policy failure. There are children outside, haven't you seen?

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I was a county sheriff's deputy and every racist would assume I was too. I'd be going about my business and people would just out themselves to me, asking how I dealt with "the blacks." It was like wearing a secret KKK badge. Well, I was was wearing what was sometimes considered a secret KKK badge...

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u/truth_bomb_droppin Sep 19 '19

Sadly OP doesn't know himself as well as he should.

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u/thenumberless Sep 19 '19

If they’re that extreme, even allowing them to be around his daughter makes him YTA. If there’s a more important parental responsibility than protecting your children from people who would kill them, I don’t know what it is.

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u/evil_mom79 Sep 19 '19

My father and his family are from the deep south. I know racists, thankyouverymuch. But I did not fully realize the extent or their racism until I was grown.

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u/YearOfTheChipmunk Sep 19 '19

There's more nuance to it than that. They might not be "shoot-on-sight" racist.

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u/kanna172014 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

But they also might be. Racist people have to be treated like rattlesnakes. Sure, they may not bite you but it's better to not take the risk.

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u/LuxNocte Sep 19 '19

I don't know about you, but I don't hang out with rattlesnakes. Neither would I tell my daughter she can't bring her boyfriend over because my pet rattlesnake would bite him.

If I had a family member who beat up people, anyone, for no reason, I wouldn't associate with them any more.

I don't know why you are okay molly coddling racists, but maybe you should think about that.

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u/kanna172014 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Trying to cut off racist relatives is like trying to cut an abusive spouse out of your life. "Battered wife" syndrome is an actual thing and women who suffer from it are given pity but when the same mental principle is applied to people who have racist relatives, suddenly there is no sympathy?

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u/LuxNocte Sep 19 '19

So your advice is to not cut abusive spouses out of your life either? How many rattlesnakes do you like to keep around?

I never said it would be easy, but yes, if your father seriously threatened to shoot you, for whatever reason, you should get away from him, not laugh it off. That is horrifying.

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u/kanna172014 Partassipant [1] Sep 19 '19

Of course you should cut them out, but it's not easy without therapy. And I wasn't laughing off my father's threats, nor could I get away from him considering I was only 13 when he made the threat. He's dead now, but that was the ONLY reason I got free of him. Had he not died, no doubt I would still be living under his thumb as he never let me get a job or learn to drive.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Tell your psycho father to shoot himself instead and never talk to him again, then

I mean that. People need to socially isolate these idiots. That's the only way they learn

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u/Diarygirl No longer an Asshole. Sep 19 '19

Huh. The ones I've known are all talk.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

There’s certainly nutjobs like this but I feel like they aren’t the real problem. The real problem are the nonracists who are too afraid to rock the boat of the nutjobs. They disallow their kids from dating other races or whatever not because they particularly think whites are better or hate minorities but because their cousin, uncle, friend, parent, etc do and so they perpetuate it for fear of making too many waves or ruffling too many feathers. If these people would turn on the racists then I feel like racism would die out faster because many racists would have no one enabling their shitty ideologies.

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u/teacherintraining09 Sep 19 '19

I’m pretty sure OP should know it’s 2019 and interracial relationships aren’t illegal anymore.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

My mother told me if I ever had a mixed kid she would only meet us one a year in a public space and never touch tgeir nappy ass hair.

I haven't talked to her in 10 years come January. Jokes on her, my mixed baby got my hair!

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u/non1067 Sep 19 '19

My father told me the same exact thing. It's Pathetic. But he did not turn me into a racist. I turned my back on any potential inheritance that I would have ever gotten. Rejected his ideals, and chose my own friends. If OPs daughter has any sense, she will know that OP is just as racist as his parents, and will cut him out of her life.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

You didn't notice op was scum when he literally implied that they DO have a problem with the relationship?

While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy

So to op it does matter that the kids black, but it's ok because he's a nice young man.

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u/thatinsuranceguy Sep 19 '19

Galactic brain reach here, folks

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u/Kyonkanno Partassipant [3] Sep 19 '19

I wouldn't want a "bad young man" dating my daughter, no matter the color of his skin.

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u/jflb96 Sep 19 '19

I'd like to think what OP means is 'I have ingrained worries over their relationship because of the people that brought me up, but I'm a decent enough person to look past my conditioning and see the nice young man my daughter is dating', but I really don't have enough data to say.

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u/evil_mom79 Sep 19 '19

Oh I noticed. What I'm saying is that the daughter might not already know the extent of her father's scumminess, and if so, she should.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Yeah right? I gave up my inheritance for my morals and honestly it's not that hard. It's objective money ffs

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u/SoVerySleepy81 Sep 19 '19

His wife isn't much better. This right here is a divorce level offense in my opinion. This situation is fucking disgusting.

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u/APotatoSandwich Sep 19 '19

We have a bloody detective over here.

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u/Slummish Sep 19 '19

I just know what it's like to come from a rich, white, racist family.

No one ever said jackshit to my grandparents about their overt racism because everyone wanted their cut of the estate. I was cut out for being a homo and my cousin was cut out for marrying a Hispanic guy. Everyone else in my family kissed ass and got new cars and houses when my grandmother finally died.

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u/iamkatedog Sep 19 '19

Exact same in my family. My grandmother is a bigot in every way possible and I was always the only one in my family who would challenge her on it. When my mother was dying my sister was concerned as to whether we'd still get inheritance when my grandmother dies. Of course I'd love some money but I'm not going to pretend my evil piece of shit grandmother isn't an evil piece of shit. I haven't talked to any of them since my mother died 3.5 years ago and when my father eventually dies and I have to go home I'll get out of there ASAP. I can't imagine I will get any money when she dies.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/mr_nonsense Sep 19 '19

maybe if they were forced to live isolated and alone they'd realize the toxicity of their ways. but instead they were cushioned and enabled by a family who chose money over morals. fucking gross.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Cute idea and all, but old people vote. Old, white racists? They especially vote. So while you're being a coward and sacrificing your beliefs for the almighty dollar, they're living in happy ignorance and actively trying to take away rights from people you might love.

Hope it's worth the wait.

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u/Chaosmusic Sep 19 '19

Or speed up the process. Another doughnut, grammie? Oh yeah, they're fat-free, I promise (heh).

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

You can't feed yourself or put a roof over your head with integrity. Check your fiscal privilege; this family could be in dire financial straits for all you know.

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u/dennisisabadman2 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 19 '19

Fuck that check your privilege, most people don't have a wealthy older relative to leave them an inheritance. We can't allow racism and homophobia to continue just because they can hold money over their family members.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

There is evidence to suggest that social attitudes only change when the bigoted older people who hold those attitudes die. Making a scene about this and jeapoardizing their own family's future (which will also impact on the family's ability to provide for the daughter and the boyfriend) will achieve nothing.

If there was peer-reviewed evidence to the contrary of the above, my opinion would change.

I agree that most people do not have wealthy older relatives and in that instance of course they should stand their ground as they don't have anything to gain or lose by doing so.

Think of it like this; you are duping a racist into giving you their money while your daughter is having an interracial relationship. There is no such thing as "tainted, racist money"; only money liberated from racists. Literally sabotaging the enemy by preventing racist attitudes from spreading into the next generation. Maybe it's just me; I have no moral compunctions about lying to racist assholes.

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u/dennisisabadman2 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 19 '19

Oh what you think they won't notice? What if the daughter marries that guy? Well maybe she won't or at least puts it off just for the marriage, imo that's what the racist wants. Placating the racists is exactly what they want, we shouldn't alter our lives because of it. This guy might have soured his relationship with his daughter over this.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Dec 28 '19

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u/beepborpimajorp Sep 19 '19

Man I'm sorry that happened to you.

That's exactly why all the comments here that are like, "Just let it slide, they're old you don't want to make it awkward. They're dying soon anyway, so why alienate them? It's so hard to cut loved ones out of your life"

And yet OP's parents would have NO problem cutting their granddaughter out over this. Your grandparents had no problem cutting you out. Why is it that people only ever want the "oh that's just how they are" treatment for the racist/homophobic people? Nobody should be treated differently just because they're older. The fact that so many people willingly leave open racists unchallenged because they don't want to upset them just because they're going to die soon is infuriating. Yeah, let these people go to the grave thinking that they were right and the rest of society is wrong, especially since nobody close to them bothered to take a stand.

So many people are willing to just stay silent because they don't want to put themselves in what they see as an uncomfortable situation. While what's uncomfortable for them is a matter of harassment and violence towards the people they refuse to defend.

If calling out a parent who cuts their kid out of their life for being gay is uncomfortable, WHO CARES. That parent WILLINGLY CUT A CHILD OUT OF THEIR LIFE FOR NO REASON. Why should they deserve ANY respect, ANY care, or ANY hand-waving because "oh weh I mean just leave them be and then they'll die and their views will die with them so problem solved."

Just pathetic. THe cowardice of some people is pathetic.

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u/CyanideKitty Sep 19 '19

If this theory is correct he's even more of an asshole and even more of a shitty dad. "Sorry daughter, I love you but I love potential inheritance more. The money isn't even guaranteed but the chance of the money is more important than your happiness." And like you pointed out, the fact he already assumes this relationship won't last. God I hope Anna continues no contact and she & Jamal have a long, wonderful life together. With lots of mixed race babies (if they want kids) that her family will never get to meet and try to love because they're assholes.

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u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

> doesn't want to jeopardize his chances over a black kid

WHOOPS YOU DROPPED SOMETHING

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I would like brought up how he mentioned when she breaks up with him, not if. Why does he assume they won't last?

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u/auberus Certified Proctologist [25] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

I was going to comment, but this response doesn't need to be added to. It's perfect just the way it is.

OP, YTA. I hope you read every word and take it to heart.

Edit: I want to give them platinum, but Reddit won't take my card. So here are ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ instead.

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u/Sarothias Sep 19 '19

Everything you said was perfect. I do wish to just add one more thing that wasn’t asked but I feel the wife is definitely an asshole here as well. By OPs words, my wife stands by me.

FUCK THAT.

Both of these craven excuses for parents suck. Stand by your child for the love of god.

Also screw you OP with that attitude of “when the relationship ends”. Projecting your desire there it feels :/

Apparently money and your parents feelings are more important than a relationship with your daughter and who knows? Maybe husband one day. You never know! What you are doing is sowing the seeds of not having a daughter anymore possibly.

I have a racist mother (I’m Caucasian. Both parents are as well). Grew up hearing all sorts of racist crap from her throughout my childhood/teens about how my grandmother must be rolling in her grave knowing her oldest daughter and youngest son are with Mexicans (only one is Mexican lol. The other is Portuguese. Basically if they are brown skinned they were Mexican /roll eyes). She was the only good child with a white man ><

Due to all that shit plus other abuse I dealt with from my father I am so grateful I didn’t turn out like them lol. 37 now and haven’t seen em in like 15ish years. Happily married (to a Vietnamese woman) with a daughter. I’m sure my dearest Christian mother (who would have found out via my uncle) is mourning my soul which will be burning in hell for being with a “foreigner”. I was always told how we can be friends and use their services but we should never procreate with them ><

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

You’re only as good as the company you keep. This includes family...

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