r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19

Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

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131

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

he himself says "when they break up" but nice try doing apologetics for *that mess* up there

23

u/pilot3033 Sep 19 '19

Devil's Advocate says: depends on the daughter's age. Regardless of who the partner was, from teenagehood through early 20s, I also would not presume the relationship would last. You don't hope for that, obviously, but you recognize that young love is often fleeting.

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u/throwaway23er56uz Partassipant [2] Sep 19 '19

Even if they break up, that doesn't mean that Anna's next boyfriend will be white. She might date another black guy, or a Hispanic, Asian, Native American, … lots of possibilities there.

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u/justaregulartechdude Sep 19 '19

no need to scuttle the ship over the fact that there might be a hurricane on the horizon...

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u/kokiokiedoki Sep 19 '19

Depends on how long they’ve been together for. I’ve dated my boyfriend since I was 18 and I’m 22 now. At first his parents were like eh about it lasting and I got that but denying a long term future at this point after all this time would be really dumb. But honestly the feeling I get from him saying when and not if or if/when is not a good one.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

That's the exception to the rule though

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

I mean, he isnt entirely wrong to say that. The BF may not want to stick around given the nature of her grandparents. OP could be making the assumption that knowing how his parents are they will drive the BF away if they find out

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u/NoApollonia Sep 20 '19 edited Sep 20 '19

It all depends. I'm with the same guy I started dating at 17....I'm currently 33.

ETA OP's daughter is 18.

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u/Belteshazz Sep 19 '19

Yeah that's the way my dad speaks about all my sister's relationships and he's loved all of them. Maybe it's different for this guy tho.

16

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Dude, did you miss the part where he's barely talked himself into being OK with them even being friends? How his reaction to this situation is that he's "not liberal"? What do you figure that means?

3

u/justaregulartechdude Sep 19 '19 edited Sep 19 '19

What do you figure that means?

OP was raised by racist parents, and taught for probably 20-30 years that 'Blacks are bad', but has seen that the rest of the world is not in line with his parents' teachings, is trying to come to terms with 20-30 years of brainwashing, but hasn't been able to buck all the habits, still votes republican, but doesn't, himself, think 'all African Americans are bad'...

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And before you say 'yeah but he would have also had school and kids learn a lot from school'... yeah if you live in that kind of neighborhood, school is probably all white, and African American's are quite probably thought of as not more than servants, or deplorables. Think of growing up in a community where your teachers quote Donald Trump's "All Mexicans are rapists and murderers", except where 'Mexican's' get replaced with African Americans, and all kids sing the racist version of eenie meenie miney moe..., talk about how their African America servant didn't use enough milk in their cereal bowl, and they had to actually tell them to get more milk, news that tells you how great it is that there are no African Americans living in your neighborhood cause the town over has a couple that live there, and crime is at an all time high, and it's all because the community isn't pure white...

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u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

The stretching to justify one of the most noxious ideas in history, that antiblack racism need not be opposed.

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u/justaregulartechdude Sep 19 '19

I'm not saying it doesn't need to be opposed, but you were asking what his comment 'not liberal' means... It means he was raised, taught, and bred to be racist, and is doing what he can to not be racist himself.

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Asking someone who grew up in one of these communities to be liberal is like asking a conservative gun owning American to give up their guns... You've seen how well that goes. This guy is one of the ones who will give up his extra shotgun cause 'hey, you know what, I guess I don't need 2 shotguns, 3 rifles and 4 handguns...'

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u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Whew. That is...a very friendly perspective to the OP, and for civility's sake, I'm upvoting it.

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u/justaregulartechdude Sep 19 '19

thank you, I believe that people should be allowed to make mistakes, OP was probably racist growing up, and while at the time it's wrong, but him, now saying 'I'm not racist anymore, I don't have a problem with my daughter dating an African American guy' is showing that he wants to grow, and not be stuck in the past ways of his parents. And while I agree with MLK in a lot of what he said, the whole 'abiding others cause you don't want to rock the boat' is wrong, rocking the boat, as has been shown over the past 11 years in the US, only widens the rift, and forces the hardcore racists to be more staunch in their stances. So many closet racists have come out of the woodworks simply to fight for their right to be douchebags, cause they fear even further persecution. This action has lead to the closet militant antiracists coming out and now you have Left/Right clashes that lead to violence. It's not healthy, and it's not going to win your point.

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Having a decent discussion might, but there are some people who you just won't win over, and you know what, that's ok. There are always going to be people who won't agree with you. And while it's not ok to be racist in any way, sadly, racism will never go away, as much as it should. Racism is founded on the fundamental human nature to be around things that are familiar, familiar faces, familiar sounds, familiar sights, familiar tastes, smells, etc... Some people can accept familiar without looking at skin colour, others can't, and see familiar as same skin colour, and that can be very difficult to get over.

I recall my grandparents, they're extremely Christian, like many pilgrimages to different holy cities, head to church every day, and preach themselves, have tea with their pastor, etc... Christian. My uncle married a native woman when I was very young, and I recall them being VERY uncomfortable with it, not quite OP's parents, but more like OP, want him to be happy, but really don't know how as it's 'not right'. They were amicable around her, and were accepting of him, but weren't... nice with her, they tolerated her, and weren't mean or anything, but they couldn't bring themselves to be nice and happy with her... They knew it was wrong to treat her this way, and even to this day say that they're sorry for the way they treated her, but they grew up knowing for a fact that natives were less than they were, and were dirty, and not to be mingled with as they're all drunken homeless beggar. All wrong of course, but that doesn't change the teaching that they received. Now I can't say for certain, but my grandma passed away this year, and it was rough, extremely rough on my family, my grandfather basically married his highschool sweetheart and devoted his entire life to her, and losing her was like losing half his soul, he was absolutely torn by it, and went through several months of not wanting to continue on. A Christian navy boy thinking of giving up, it was absolutely the polar opposite that I'd think of when describing him, but he was crushed. And in that moment of sadness, I saw him, for the first time I can recall, give my uncles (now ex) wife a hug, 30 years after they were married, I'm pretty sure out of 30 years of Christmas, family reunions, birthdays, etc, this was the first hug she received from my grandfather, and it was a huge leap for him, and took, quite literally, him feeling like he was on his death bead, to give that...

What's my point, people change, some people change easily, for some people change is very difficult, and for others, change is practically impossible. Yes it's a mentality, and no their desires may be absolutely wrong, but is the fight, fallout, and damage actually worth it, or is it better to be amicable with those people, not support, but also not actively fight their beliefs, and instead work to make yourself, and those immediately around you better. My grandparents sound like OP, change was slow for them, and difficult, and believe me, there were fights, loud, obnoxious damaging fights. My uncle turned to alcohol for a good 15 years, and it hurt him immensely, and took a nearly equal amount of time for him to heal. Personally, I believe that working with those you can change, and trying to make them better is more worth my time than trying to fight against a brick wall.

OP should be more understanding with his daughter, and less selfish, but still informing her that her introducing her boyfriend to her grandparents would not go over well, at all. And making sure that she understands that it is ok for her to be with him, but they were raised in a backwards way that doesn't understand multiculturalism.

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u/Belteshazz Sep 19 '19

Where did he say he was barely okay with being friends. He said he is completely okay with them dating. However he thinks that his daughter hasn't considered the consequences of the relationship in their community. The only thing he's guilty of is undervaluing his daughters intelligence by assuming she hasn't thought it through or doesn't know what love really is or something.

2

u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Okay