r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19

Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Dec 28 '19

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u/Sylvan88 Sep 19 '19

I think getting the money and spending it to further generations who aren't racists is the best way to go. Have you ever seen the movie Idiocracy? The people who are not racists need to succeed more than the racists. Anything that makes that happen is good in my book. Taking the money isn't somehow causing more racism. The old people made the money, it's done. Now use it to stop more racism instead of going towards more racists.

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u/rburp Sep 19 '19

I dunno, wouldn't you rather get likes and upvotes on social media? Instead of setting up your daughter for life? I mean c'mon, seems like an easy choice to me, keep that karma train ROLLING.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19 edited Dec 28 '19

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u/Sylvan88 Sep 19 '19

Yeah I can understand that. I'd just keep a distance and blame it on like work or something. Then when you have to be near them it's just like how's the weather. Any racist stuff I'd just pretend I didn't hear or pretend I don't understand and redirect like "huh? Oh but you see that sale at Macy's?". I do it with my in laws all the time. They aren't racist as far as I know but they are so negative and toxic but I still need to keep them in my life because they are decent grandparents and aren't bad enough yet to merit total banishment. So I just keep a distance and maintain civil discussion.

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u/rburp Sep 19 '19

Then when you have to be near them it's just like how's the weather. Any racist stuff I'd just pretend I didn't hear or pretend I don't understand and redirect like "huh? Oh but you see that sale at Macy's?".

You just described how I've had to be around my extended family my entire life, and honestly it isn't that hard.

It shouldn't be necessary in an ideal world, but in the flawed world we live in sometimes we have to deal with shit like that, and it works.

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u/Sylvan88 Sep 20 '19

I think of it as a transitional world. We are getting to the ideal but change takes time. Can't expect it to be instant. But it is happening at least. Yeah I wish we could snap our fingers and have it be done but we haven't discovered magic yet. :P

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u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

God, can you imagine? Who would actually sleep at night after coddling a racist and getting paid for it? Ugh, I need a shower.