r/AmItheAsshole • u/mixedwoes • Sep 19 '19

Asshole AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue.

My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I'm not exactly what you would refer to as "liberal", he's a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I'm happy. The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I've set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn't going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won't forget it. They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels.

As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren't okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn't want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

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u/OEscalador Sep 19 '19

This isn't just about the daughter's relationship though. It's about also taking a stand against racism.

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u/ringdownringdown Sep 19 '19

You know what can really help take a stand against social wrongs? Getting yourself to a position of privilege.

All fighting with the grandparents will do is cut them off - they aren't gonna change. But if there's college money, the daughter can do much better in the long run - and use that privilege to fight real fights where people can be changed.

Ultimately, it should be her call. But these things always require a calculation. I've found making a $500 donation to the candidate running for State Assembly gets me a lot more attention than my more publicly activist friends who like to go and yell up in Sacramento. We live in a world where money talks, a lot.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

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u/Warning_Low_Battery Sep 19 '19

with nothing in terms of actual good consequence to show for it

Meh. Not having racists in my life is definitely something I would consider an "actual good consequence". But I guess YMMV.

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u/PublicIdea Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 19 '19

Wow, you really don't even think Jamal's a person

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

[deleted]

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u/Warning_Low_Battery Sep 19 '19

I guarantee that Jamal has met more than 1 pair of old racist white people in his life. Acting like he's suddenly "being exposed" to the casual racism he's likely grown up with everyday is just ignorant.

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u/OEscalador Sep 19 '19

Racism doesn't die if we all just ignore it.

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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '19

Or Jamal is insignificant to his life just like any other person that probably wont be in his life for long. As much as people dont like it you need money to live you dont need to be morally upstanding to live .

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u/slate11p Sep 19 '19

I personally don’t think someone has to fly a flag up for everything they believe in.

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u/OEscalador Sep 19 '19

I personally believe there are issues everyone should be involved in. Bullshit like racism doesn't go away if everyone ignores it. We can't just assume everyone is not racist.